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Pure_Pause3200 Archive

View 4 posts and 54 comments by Pure_Pause3200 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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2

u/octagondd, No, please do not blame yourself for causing most of the issues because you are a people pleaser. Don't let anyone tell you that you are to blame for that reason. As you said, it takes two to tango. Sometimes one person is completely not at fault. This is true if the other party simply wants to get out of the relationship. Either way its excruciatingly painful. I hope you have a support group of friends, family and a therapist that can help you navigate through this mess. Again, for…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 04:52 PM
1

I suspect it’s both. You miss your ex and having someone beside you. If you were with the person for some time, married or not, quite a bit of your emotional connection is to her. It’s natural to feel lonely. Are you friendly with any of your colleagues at work? Perhaps you can have coffee or lunch with them?
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 12:29 PM
1

u/Vokenhagen21, That's the thing. I don't want this to goto court. No one does. Everyone loses. I'm more concerned about breaking my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 03:53 AM
1

u/Neither-Impress4810, I need to hear (in this case read) the real deal from what other gents are going through and/or have gone through and/or what we can expect over the coming months or even years. I've always had the mindset of not sweating the small stuff. While that is good advice to follow, in my case, I've been giving into every small detail. Its not until she told me she is divorcing me that I realized that if I more often than not give into small stupid things, it will erode at respect…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 03:18 AM
1

u/Deagletime, I guess many of us gents never thought we would be on this forum posting regarding our experiences, seeking out support and responding to each others' posts. Your situation as well as many others' experience are a power play from an abusive (including emotionally abusive) partner. There is a concept called DARVO (Deny Attack and Reverse Victim). Although DARVO is often used for instances of physical violence, it is also present in ones for emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is harder…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 03:09 AM
1

u/Vokenhagen21, My issue is that I don't want her to waste money that I will be giving her for what should be going to support the kids, but instead goes for whatever else she decides.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 02:32 AM
1

We aren’t legally separated yet. She filed and secured legal counsel. My attorney responded on my behalf. She wants to move out but wants money to do so. Everything with her is about money. In the interim, everything we had before stays. The difference is that paychecks go into different accounts. I pay all the bills. It’s a little more challenging since I need to transfer funds around.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/26 09:55 PM
1

I definitely want at least 50/50. I would prefer more for me, but I’ll settle for 50/50. I’ll be tracking what it ends up being. I think she wants more or at least 50% because she gets more child support. She hasn’t been the best with money. I want to make sure that my kids have everything they need and continue to get almost everything they want. I don’t want to waste money fighting this. There are so many better things to spend money on. My attorney and his firm aren’t out to stretch things on…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/26 03:07 PM
1

u/Money-Article-6897, How is she controlling everything? I'm asking because I am being accused of controlling everything. I have a differing standpoint, particularly since I am not the initiating party.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/26 04:37 AM
1

u/Vokenhagen21, I want to avoid going to court as much as possible. From what I am told, it is awful (and it sounds awful). She is claiming that she wants 50/50. I don't know how she can do that with her work schedule. I think I am going to just need to lean on my attorney and trust that he can do anything he can for my kids and me.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/26 04:34 AM
2

u/OctinoxateAndZinc, Thanks so much for your detailed and thought out response. It is really helpful for me. Over the past few years, I've been the 'primary parent.' This means I do the drop offs, pickups, goto school activities, bring them to non-school activities (dance classes, etc.), many medical appointments, etc. Other parents generally see me and not the STBX. I love it actually. I love time with my kids. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/26 04:03 AM
1

u/Ok-Anything-3605, This is going to be my next priority. I set up a schedule on a 2-2-3 model which is what we discussed in the beginning. She then changed it so that its a simple 2-2 schedule. I wont agree to a 2-2 schedule. That is way too much back-and-forth change for the kids. Its not healthy for them, nor is it in their best interests.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 11:06 PM
1

u/digcycle, You bring about a good point. The complaint and summons my STBX served me with had a bunch of stuff in it. Some of it was quite useful because it gave me ideas of things that I should be asking for. Those were reasonable things (i.e. insurance policies that are in an irrevocable trust). We have life insurance policies, but they are not in an irrevocable trust. She can change the beneficiary whenever she wants. I think I'm going to just flag all of the changes I made as being accepted…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 11:04 PM
1

u/Neither-Impress4810, Thanks for your perspective. I made one that had quite a bit of markup on it. I thought of sending it to her, but I think I am going to hold off. I'll accept all of the changes I made in that version and will provide some material to my attorney a summarized list of asks and items that I want to include. I'll let them decide how they want to approach. We still cohabitate. She will offer to bring me dinner every now and then. On Wednesday she had a date that cancelled at th…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 10:58 PM
3

u/EvanFoley05, With the greatest respect to anyone on this board reading this. No one here can give you a formal answer to that. It would make sense that someone cannot withhold your child from you without getting a judge's order. If she is preventing you from seeing your son without a judge's order and there are no restraining orders or other legal issues that prevent you from seeing your son, police involvement may be warranted. Be warned though, that doing that will significantly escalate the…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 04:14 AM
1

u/upvotersfortruth, I had all of those and more. I filled most of it out too. My wife started weeks after I started mine and submitted hers first. I was just stressed at the whole mess. I finally have mine done and submitted. I also don't want to overload my support system. They are carrying me through this emotional mess. My goal is to make sure that I have enough emotional resources to give the kids everything that they need and are entitled to, just for being my kids. My soon to be ex is alwa…
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 04:18 AM
1

u/Any-Neat5158, My wife is trying the emotional warfare. I'm not having it. Yes, the whole thing is quite painful. I've given this woman 16 years of my life (married 12 of those years). She started the process and it is running through its course. This is one of those situations where you have this knot in your stomach and don't feel like eating or doing any of the healthy activities needed for an overall good mental and physical well-being.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 04:09 AM
1

u/chohare, Very well said indeed. From what I read, you are pretty legit to me. Its very sound advice. I hope u/Separate-Pack-374, and others on here heed this advice. Publicly shaming your ex partner, the mother (even if not biological) of your child is never a good thing. Some things are best done in private, or not at all.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 02:57 AM
2

u/Separate-Pack-374, I have to disagree with some of the responses here. With the greatest level of respect bro, you are his father. You may not have contributed his Y chromosome, but if you've been raising him as your child, he sees you as his dad, you see him as your son, etc. then forget what a stupid DNA test says. You are his father. Period. Now, as far as paternity for child support and other things, that's for lawyers to work through, but making sure they don't involve your kids in one si…
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 02:50 AM
1

u/LaCathedrale, Thanks for the support. This forum is great because many of us have either gone through, or are actively going through the same situation.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/26 03:45 PM
1

u/upvotersfortruth, That's exactly my problem whereby I still view her as my wife, and we are going through a rough patch. The issue is that this rough patch cannot be patched. I am coming around to accepting that. I say 'coming around' because I know that the marriage is over and as been over for quite some time. I do want her out. She wants out and a boat load of money so that she 'can start a new life with the kids.' At the very minimum, I will have them at least 50% of the time, perhaps more…
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/26 03:42 PM
1

The problem if I do that, I would be enabling her behavior. She abandoned us. She may not look at it that way. When she first postulated divorce, I told her they would destroy our kids and cause so much pain for everyone, including herself. She said that is a price she is willing to pay and that the kids will fully bounce back. I challenged her on that and asked ‘really?’ She said ‘yes.’ I don’t remember the exact wording I said after that, but it was something that respectfully reflected her ex…
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/26 12:58 PM
1

u/Apprehensive_Rip_201, The issue is we have two young girls together. I will forever be bonded to this woman somehow. I don't detest her. I detest what she is doing to us (children and me).
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 11:48 PM
1

u/One-Specialist-4983, Haha. My mother would see from up above; hence why I said she would come to me in my dreams, to get something important across. I don't want to stoop to her level.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 11:47 PM
2

u/kykoo, Thanks for replying. She has told me that before January, she was 'all in' towards working through our marriage issues. Even though she wasn't quite happy, she was 'content' and wanting to work on things for us and our girls. There was an incident in January whereby she felt that I betrayed her. In short this had to do with another woman that adopted an embryo that my wife and I created that we could not use. The three of us were quite good friends, but starting in mid-2025, things star…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 11:55 AM
1

How do you split expenses? 50/50. Status quo from before divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 03:15 AM
1

I’m living through a similar situation. I just posted something similar because I am going nuts being in the same house as her. What she is doing to us (is being my two daughters and I) is abhorrent. I refuse to leave. She stays here full time since her parents live so far away. All of my friends and support group systems are telling me to hang in there and continue to be the great dad that I am. My STBXW knows how to turn my dials. If I ignore her she’ll escalate discussions until I respond. I’…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 03:14 AM
1

Thank you all for who commented and provided me with much needed support and your thoughts. I very much appreciate it.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 03:41 AM
3

u/MensDivorceCircle, That's what I am going to do. My first priority are the girls; at least with respect to finding another partner.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 09:29 PM
2

u/wulffboy89, I have an attorney, I am told that in the state of NY, courts generally don't care about adultery as long as the kids aren't harmed or placed in danger.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 09:27 PM
1

u/EitherBedroom2341, I thought I replied to this one, but apparently I didn't. 😄 I think she deliberately left evidence to 'stick it to me.' I could see a coldness in her, but also a piece that was enormously hurting. The thing is when she wanted to tell the kids, she wanted to say that it was a mutual thing. LOL. It was not. Yes, we had issues and were working through them. Some weren't working out, but a marriage is a give and take. I was half-willing to live in a sexless and lack of physical …
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 01:01 PM
3

u/IcyMycologist4837, This is the icy cold hard truth (no pun intended with respect to your Reddit handle. I am told that she only started after the end of April. Somehow I don't believe that. Though it doesn't matter whether I believe it or not. It is what it is and it doesn't change my situation. My big focus is on my girls. I've been the primary parent for over 9 years. My older daughter is 9. There are lots of other reasons why I say that. She seems to want to change her behavior, but as my m…
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 12:43 PM
1

u/NohoTwoPointOh, I suspect you are absolutely correct. She seemed genuinely surprised that I didn't flip out when she told me she was going on a date and potentially going to hook up. I didn't flip out for a few reasons. Our nine-year old daughter was next to her at the time she told me this. I think the way she told me was over my daughter's head (I didn't like that she told me that in front of her). I don't flip out easily. Not outwardly at least. I try and suppress those hostilities before t…
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 12:38 PM
1

u/machmusic76, I've asked myself this question. For what its worth, I have two wonderful girls because of her. If I would choose again knowing the girls that I have, I would do it again. I would likely have made different decisions with respect to boundaries; or lack thereof that I had.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 12:26 AM
1

u/EitherBedroom2341, That is beyond brutal.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 12:24 AM
1

u/leaving4me, It has been brewing for a while. We were in marriage counseling for almost two years. She said that a response of 'I don't know' to whether I could give up a friendship with someone she was no longer fond of was the straw that broke the camel's back. I needed a few moments to process her question. A few seconds after I said "I don't know" she said its too late, she already knew where my heart was. There are times when I need to pause before responding to a situation or question; es…
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 12:22 AM
1

u/EitherBedroom2341, I need to be stronger and not react at all. I reacted one major time which I discussed in one of my responses. I crossed a line (for myself). She came home flipping out, I was calm, then she dropped the f bomb to me and that set me off. That was the first time she dropped it to me in person. She dropped it to me twice via text, all of this was during this divorce period. I've never dropped that to her, or called her the b-word or anything like that. I'm proud of myself that …
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 12:17 AM
1

u/FitCombination3545, Sadly, not yet. We are still cohabitating. I am in the basement. Most of my clothes are still in our bedroom. Our discussions are primarily around the girls. That's it. I can't look at her the same way I did before all of this. Its going to be complicated for her to move out. Over the last few months, Facebook has been sending me push notifications regarding divorce, recognizing signs of emotional abuse, signs when you should walk away, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 12:12 AM
1

u/FitCombination3545, A few things. First she started buying Victoria Secret underwear (she never did that, it wasn't an issue for me). The flaming evidence was the white crusted 'load' that was on her underwear in the crotch area. I guess you know what that means. I do most of the laundry. That thing was waiting for me to find it. I had to literally close my eyes and shake my head to see if there was some crusty craziness floating around. Nope, I saw what I saw. After I threw everything in the …
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 12:07 AM
1

u/mistake-number2, Others have said the same thing. I've been processing for some time that my marriage was failing; that I was failing. As my closest friends have said, I did everything I could, but if its something that she doesn't want, then its over.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 11:58 PM
2

u/Ok-Cause1108, THAT is the hard truth and that's what breaks me. The most important thing to me is that I continue to be the dad that I am to my kids. She said that she doesn't have an identity of her own. I do. I am daddy; I am da da; I am girl dad. That is who I am, it is what I am. I learned all of this from my mom. One of my goals in life was to be a totally different person than my father (he was completely uninvolved in my life).
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 11:54 PM
1

u/EitherBedroom2341, I am hoping that we can somehow get through this and be 'friends.' We were never really friends before. We met, started being more than friends right away, and almost two months later were dating. 4+ years later we were getting married. It is really hard to communicate with her and me call her name. It feels weird. We had dorky names for each other. She now calls me by my name. I occasionally slip and call her what I've been calling her for the last 16+ years.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 11:48 PM
1

u/ClippedWinng, Funny you should say that. There was a woman that my wife and I met via message board that links embryo donors with recipients for embryo adoption. In short, the three of us became quite close and were for all intents and purposes a family. My wife started to back off. She was still fine with my friendship with the other person. We communicated primarily via a group text. The other person and I were both geeky and had a unique kind of friendship. Being the donor parents, she want…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 01:14 PM
2

u/GreedyCauliflower, once all of this is behind me and I am ready, I hope to find someone that won't do that FBS. I should note that there were a lot of other things well before this. Its the I'm not happy and I want out, followed by blaming things on something.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 10:13 AM
1

u/Boglehead101, at this point, there is a bigger chance that I will win the next $1 Billion Powerball jackpot when comparing the potential reconciliation. The odds of winning that are extremely small. It is even smaller if I don't buy lottery tickets. My in-laws were divorced, then remarried each other 15+ years later. My older daughter is hoping that we will either not go through with the divorce or will somehow reconcile like her grandparents.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 10:10 AM
2

u/Reddit_censorship_2, I suspect that her continued exploits and other behaviors creating toxicity is to accomplish what you stated. Last Wednesday, she came home late at 9pm and flipped out that our older daughter wasn't in bed. I did keep telling her that she needs to goto bed soon. My father in law was in the room. I didn't think it was a big deal that she (my daughter) was still up. The following day would be her last day of school before having major surgery on Friday morning. She flipped a…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 10:04 AM
2

u/ToxicElitist, The sad thing is my girls want their mom, BUT she has taken little interest in them except when its convenient for her. They miss their mom when she isn't around and are wondering why she is away so much. I don't blame them. She is their mother, nothing will ever change that. To your point, she was hoping that I would get angry and blow up at her when she told me that she was going on a date on my birthday with someone she met off Tinder. We went to the movies (with the kids). Sh…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 09:50 AM
2

u/Virtual_Ad9235, Yes, I think so too. I've come to this realization. Some of our mutual friends know the details about her exploits. I don't know what they are thinking. She told me that she told her two sisters. I'm surprised that they aren't physically coming over to shake the sillies out of her. Her parents don't know. Her parents would be mortified!
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 04:17 AM
2

u/apatrol, The frustrating thing is, she has refused me sex for quite some time. She said it hurt a lot. I guess it either doesn't hurt with the others that she is hooking up with, or it does and she doesn't care, OR it did and no longer does for whatever reason.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 04:13 AM
2

u/badskiier, I suspect she did too. I hope in your case, you didn't get cleaned out.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 04:08 AM
1

u/CoderJoe1 , She told me that she told her mom at one point when her mom thought I might be having an affair that I would divorce her before sleeping with another woman. Yes that is true. We aren't divorced. I have no intention of putting myself back out there. I need to let the dust settle with this first. Most importantly, I need to make sure that I can give my everything to my two kids and other responsibilities before even thinking of getting back out there.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 04:03 AM
2

u/gtclemson, it definitely did. She served me at the end of May. This first hookup (that I know of) was in early May. She has refused all forms of intimacy and physical contact with me. Then she decides to put a profile up somewhere and meet people. She said its OK because I can do the same thing too. She encouraged me to get a haircut, and take good pics to create a profile. If I did something like this, even though she did it to me first, my mother would come to me in my dreams express her dis…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 03:59 AM
1

u/YoyodyneCog, She hooked up with the guy on MY BIRTHDAY and MOTHERS DAY! We have two girls that wanted to spend time with their mom as well. The rubbing it in my face was leaving the evidence for me to find. She didn't bother to clean up or conceal. She left it in plain sight for me to see it. It was as though she wanted me to find it and took steps to make it very hard for me not to have found it. That wasn't the only time.. it was the first. This woman even told me that she told the guy that …
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 03:35 AM
1

u/badskiier , I don't know if my wife started before telling me. I wouldn't be surprised if she did. I don't want to know. The answer would only hurt me. u/Spared-No-Expense, I'll need to run through some major soul searching to figure out how to process and move forward. It would be akin to writing a CAP (Corrective Action Plan) document. In this case, the document can be a journal, mental thoughts, or any other written format. The good thing about this is that no one else needs to see that doc…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 03:26 AM
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