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View 1 post and 201 comments by SpearCatcher1 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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SpearCatcher1/r/Divorce_Men02/09/20 10:46 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
7

You were committed to one person. She, because of immaturity (grass is always greener), or whatever motivation, is not. Its on her, not you.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/22 01:42 PM
1

Agree. In many states when you are talking about able bodied adults alimony isn't a thing. (OP doesn't mention child support being an issue.)
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/21 03:27 PM
1

"Doing all of the above": good on you. Best of luck with the process.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/21 02:31 AM
1

Let me say this: yes, in religious terms, God's perfect will would be that all marriages succeed. Further, I think all marriages could reconcile and succeed if both parties were willing to seriously work on it and make the difficult adjustments. My life experience is that some people just aren't willing to make key changes (can't or won't). You seem to be in a difficult place and I hope you and your partner get help and make it work. In terms of OP's situation, you just seem to be projecting you…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/21 04:37 PM
1

my <18 kid signed a simple affidavit in front of a notary asking that I get 100% custody. That's why the exwife had to move out in the short term, and all her other b.s. failed. Other than that I was able to leave my kid out of it, who didn't even have to come to the courthouse, just sign that one paper. Don't assume you'd have to pay any alimony, unless your lawyer said so. You should get half her 401k if they stick with the 50/50 rule.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/21 06:55 PM
1

yes, this
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/21 05:36 PM
1

IN my experience the court was extremely fair--the women's equality really cut both ways in that there was an equal expectation that a woman can work and yes marital money/property is 50/50. The only thing is you can't get through the legal system without a decent lawyer and that's expensive, and you do have to produce all the evidence.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/21 05:35 PM
1

You say you want to reconcile but you only have one guess as to why she wants out, and I join with everyone else here in saying your guess that its all about y'alls sex life aint the real reason. You need to find out what the dynamic is, and you need help to do so. I'd suggest joint counseling, not even working on reconciliation yet, but just starting to understand where you actually are.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/21 05:30 PM
2

You say you have two questions, the first of which is 'could you have fixed your marriage?' No, you could not have fixed your marriage. Your wife bought the lie that if she's not 100% happy all the time in one relationship she can just begin another and another. It is a lie and she will never settle into a single rewarding relationship and will just wander the rest of her life. You had some good years initially--hold on to those memories, that is legitimate. Your second question is 'can you ever…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/21 04:41 PM
1

If the woman is conflicted: so what? She still loves him enough to seek joint counselling and do what it takes to rebuild a relationship? Or she still loves him but won't get her own s**t together and won't make the effort to work on the relationship together either? If it is the second case the marriage will remain broken. Having sympathy for the wife's feelings is supposed to change his decisions? Some people stay the rest of their lives in broken relationships but the consensus of this subred…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/21 04:24 PM
1

You might build expectations with your kids that it is normal for Dad to date--especially after 5 years. I agree with your kids, it is creepy to encounter boyfriends just hanging around the house. When you are ready to introduce your girlfriend to them it should be a brief daytime meeting where she treats them politely but doesn't force instant intimacy on them. I am guessing that her identity to them isn't going to be "new stepmom" but rather "Dad's girlfriend."
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/21 04:14 PM
1

Yes, both (all) options are bad--or at least have some bad in them. Everyone on this subreddit inevitably discovers that choosing the least-bad option is as good as it gets. My divorce was almost 2 years start to finish (not counting the years of conflict before) but now I am free of her completely and restarting my life as I want. You and your wife both have an emotional or pride attachment to this particular house. My prediction is by the end of this all neither of you will have this house and…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/21 03:54 PM
2

It would be nice if divorces could be concluded amicably and reasonably by the two parties--but if man and woman could cooperate that well they probably wouldn't be divorcing. Get a lawyer. Document everything. Stand up for yourself and the kids. Good that you filed. Go ahead and get the proceeding on the court calendar. Of course she is going to drag her feet about ending the marriage, and suddenly think she should get huge value from the house.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/20 02:14 AM
1

Do you have a firm court date? It is less than 3 months away? You can hold out for 3 months--you can. If you have a STBX willing to go to any length either out of spite or in unreasonable hopes of finding hidden riches which she'll then take from you, and she has a lawyer who wants to bill for every dollar the STBX has or may borrow, things can go on ridiculously. Your attorney should be able to slow the madness, and the judge isn't going to care about most of this junk anyhow. The judge wants t…
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/20 02:01 AM
8

I was in Afghanistan (as a civilian) and realized that although our vehicle or our compound might be attacked any day and we be killed, it was still less day to day stress than home. Why live that way and its not too late to make the best of the rest of my life.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/20 01:46 AM
3

I never shit talk the ex in front of them, and I encourage them to contact her for Mother's Day, her birthday, etc. Still, they know how she is.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/20 01:16 AM
3

Being able to work doing what I am passionate about where and when the opportunity arises, and to date someone pleasant. Also continuing to have this great relationship with my college age sons (without being undermined.)
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/20 11:23 PM
6

She made a big deal about how much she was earning when we married, and she went to a prestigious graduate school during the marriage (but didn't go to work) so the Judge was thinking, hell yea, this woman can work. Maybe it helps having women lawyers and judges to the extent that they are career women so a feminine play for sympathy doesn't stick, but then again the male judge we had for the initial hearings was the same way.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/20 11:19 PM
4

Thanks to the well wishers; appreciated.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/20 08:19 AM
1

Done.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/20 08:16 AM
5

I was numb and then relieved. Started to feel sorry for her, for what she's done to herself, and then let that go. Back to being relieved.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/20 08:15 AM
7

Thanks. Yep, its still a shame I had to divorce, Ex and I would have so much more right now if we had been able to be a team. But certainly glad the toxic environment is done with, and now have capped the losses financially.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/20 08:13 AM
3

I think Ex's attorney knew it wouldn't fly. Actually seemed a nice young attorney, but she was saddled with my Ex for a client.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/20 08:09 AM
6

This was a lady judge. Really stayed focused and seemed fair.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/20 08:05 AM
1

So file for divorce. She left and has been away for 8months--that has to show something. In the USA it would hurt your case to have any new involvement until after being granted at least legal separation and better yet the final divorce. The in-laws can shut their mouths whether you are married or divorced. If they make threats record it and have them arrested.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/20 01:35 AM
3

Don't give up any rights to your child now. Don't. Don't sign anything with the presumption that you''d have any less than 50% custody. Usually I presume that guys that write in to this subreddit have a dead marriage and divorce is inevitable. However, if you have profound depression linked most strongly to the job loss, maybe you really shouldn't be making any life decisions right now. Maybe you are the exception that should sleep in the same house, in a different room if needed, and get help t…
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/20 01:29 AM
1

"in her divorce papers" makes it sound completely bogus that any judge would throw out.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/20 01:22 AM
2

including charges against her father
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/20 01:17 PM
2

The first notice my court issued included an order against public disparagement. That doesn't mean private disparagement is okay either, and if it is threatening in any way the court takes that into account. In fact 'cruel treatment' is a legit contributing reason for divorce here. And I don't think my state is particularly progressive.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/20 01:15 PM
2

Of course you did the man/husband/protector stuff while you were married. You haven't accepted that aspect of the divorce yet. Of course she is just making brave talk when she says she can do all the things you used to do. Maybe her brothers will give enough help, maybe not. You can protect the kids when you have custody, you have less control when you don't unless something is so egregious it needs to be reported to the court.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/20 02:56 PM
1

Yes this because all the alternatives within our system are bad.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/20 02:48 PM
1

Yes this.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/20 02:47 PM
1

The kids should absolutely be the main consideration here. You haven't given any reason why she's a bad person or why you two are incompatible. You are young. What are the chances you will get bored and lonely and find another woman and go through this whole cycle again? You need to deal with it for your own sake, not just run. Get counseling. Couples counseling would be ideal, but if not at least for yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/20 02:45 PM
1

Lawyer up--not just resignedly for divorce, but find a lawyer who will actively fight for the rights of you and your kids. If she is mental you should work for getting full custody of the kids. I don't know if her parents would stop enabling her if they knew the whole truth, or maybe not if they are as bad as she is. You need to get facts documented and on the record.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/20 02:39 PM
2

Court counseling is a great opportunity to bring attention to the illegal things she is doing--please stand up for yourself at this opportunity. For the kids. She is not a 'good mother to the children' if she is this destructive and controlling.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/20 02:33 PM
1

The judge won't like her behavior, but that doesn't solve the problem in the near term.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/20 01:28 AM
1

Well Materialism is the actual religion of the majority men and women--even some who go to church. Add to that the societal messages of getting what they "deserve" and trusting their feelings, and you've created a set of expectations that is not going to work in reality for any human. The patron saint of feminism, Betty Friedan, flat out advised, "if you aren't totally happy, divorce your husband and see if that doesn't work." All of that is contrary to the truth about relationships: both people…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/20 01:23 AM
1

Laws from a time when women didn't work at all. Complete anachronism. My teen son had signed an affidavit asking for me to have full custody, which the judge honored, so I have quite the different situation. Did your system even ask the kids?
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/20 01:10 PM
1

You feel empty and I can totally relate. You have no choice but to 'fake it until you make it,' by which I mean go forward and ignore the emotions. You need a basic plan for what you need to accomplish to get through the process with least damage then rebuild your life. Each morning wake up and do what you can step by step on that plan. You are young my man! Surely you can get through this and date again, only now wiser and better looking than when you were 20. Stay busy, including working out. …
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/20 01:05 PM
2

Yes it hurts. Yet it is "sunk cost:" justice or victory are meaningless as related to what has happened since you can't change the past. If you feel you did everything you could to resolve things, great, you don't need to have regrets about that. Sorry it didn't work, but we can only try to influence people, we can't 'make them' think anything. The only victory is living the remainder of your life to the very best of your ability, including be a great father to your kids. Kids need your love and…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/20 03:31 PM
3

At this point it shouldn't be about your relationship with her anymore--the relationship is dead, RIP. Now you are patiently doing what it takes to keep your share and go on with the next chapter of your life. You have a plan for your life ahead, and getting the necessary legal settlement is a necessary step of that plan. The final settlement won't be ideal, but you'll know you did your best, shake it off, and move forward.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/20 02:20 AM
5

Exactly. If she is flouting court orders, you make a motion and the judge cracks down on her.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/20 12:34 PM
1

If you, or I, knew how to change a woman's mind to what we consider reasonable, then we wouldn't be divorcing.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/20 12:27 PM
2

Why, unless there are kids involved, and even then only to get over a hump. Basically its a terrible idea. If the marriage is hurting go to marriage counseling--they aren't all good but research until you do find a good one. If that succeeds, great, even if it takes time. If it turns up differences that one or both of you aren't willing to make changes on, then you know. You need clarity and a plan. In my opinion.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/20 01:57 AM
2

I hope writing this out helped a little. Yes, marriage is supposed to last forever, but no, yours (and mine) did not. Some part of you isn't accepting the divorce yet. Well, mentally you need to be clear that it ended, and your subconscious will eventually get used to that fact. Don't feel bad blocking her if you need to. You are not responsible for fulfilling her urges to talk. Divorce not working out well for her and she gets lonely sometimes/ she doesn't have a real man to rely on when her Gr…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/20 01:51 AM
13

Document this. Not surprised. My mediation failed because stbx pulled the same stuff she pulled in the marriage. Have to go the more expensive court route. Yes, don't let anyone catch you being anything but cool and collected.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/20 01:40 AM
2

Certainly kids pick up on it all, even if they are too young to express it back. Our dog likes to lay on the floor closest to where the family is hanging out--right in the middle if there are several of us. Well even before my ex would start yelling or hurling insults, when her tone of voice would just start to change to argumentative and cynical, the dog would get up and leave the room--put some distance between, even if that meant going to a room by himself. If its even that obvious to the dog…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/20 02:41 PM
1

I see your point. I personally think her "soul mate" talk is bullshit: I've concluded there are no soul mates in this world, only adults who agree to make it work. With my ex I'm happy for the good times, and blessed by the kids, but now she can pursue her stuff and I can pursue mine--on to the next chapter. You can't fix her depression but sounds like you would have been willing to stand by her while she got help and worked on it. Her loss. Good that you are talking it out here in this forum. S…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/20 05:28 PM
2

Broke your shoulder? Wow. You have evidence of many things--proceed! I can see where this is the best thing for your son.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/20 05:20 PM
1

I think you are right, moving out is a terrible idea which weakens your position if you 1) decide on divorce, or 2) decide on attempting reconciliation. If you attempt getting her to go with you to a really good marriage counselor, it will help you make up your mind, it will put you in a better position if you do decide on divorce, and of course it is optimal if you do try reconciliation.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/20 05:15 PM
1

Your daughter feels caught in the middle and that is very unfortunate. I think you just dodged a bullet and don't even appreciate it. The therapist concluded that if she can say she loves her Dad the fundamentals are good and also there is no actual abuse or endangerment: that's great. So instead of being knee deep in trouble and losing custody, you keep your 50/50. Now instead of dealing with your daughter's comments based on her feeling that she has to take sides, egged on by her mother's comm…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/20 05:09 PM
2

Going through the legalities of divorce can be separate from getting mental/emotional closure. If she really wants to hear your thinking maybe you could go to a counselor together so the counselor could help soften the blow and then immediately help you both individually deal with it.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/20 02:29 PM
3

Whether she wants it both ways or is just illogical, you can't fix her weird thinking, you can only control how you react to it. Sure, I can sympathize though.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/20 02:24 PM
1

Well you've said that she's the one who cheated, and although you didn't want to break up, you think divorce is inevitable and you don't want to lose everything. Filing first, especially given that's she's committed adultery (and it sounds like you can prove that) sets the terms of the court case. You want the court case to be about her adultery, not about some b.s. allegation she makes about you. Of course she can then counterfile, but it makes whatever she charges then sound reactive. Converse…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/20 02:57 AM
1

If she hasn't filed yet FILE FIRST!
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/20 02:16 AM
1

I can't see it that way. Stay involved with your son. Do you have a good lawyer? Are you sure you are maximizing your rights here? Feeling wounded is natural but there are other ways to deal with that and start to get your strength back. Trying to run might backfire anyways, and leave you without resolution.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/20 02:11 AM
1

Respects on the progress. You still sound reasonably young, with a solid prospect for learning from this and going forward.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/20 02:03 AM
2

You should be fine. The Court has seen it all, and they won't buy her story if its all her say-so with no confirmation and just conveniently timed to support this action. If any of her 'witnesses' lack direct knowledge, only what they heard from her side, then they aren't witnesses, it's just hearsay. My STBX would come home saying that the Therapist totally agreed with her, but I know that's not at all what the Therapist was saying. Because the Therapist let her talk she thought the Therapist w…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/20 01:58 AM
2

You've got a plan and a strategy and it seems like your priorities (the minor child's welfare) are right. Good luck, stay strong, stay focused.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/20 01:37 AM
1

Mediation is all "good faith" and voluntary. In theory she could give you a good deal considering her actual income and give you a break considering your pandemic income until you get back to full--but somehow most people seem to go for all they can. Seriously, mediation settlements can be whatever the two parties agree on--that's the literal answer to your question. By the same token, if her lawyer starts to say you'll have to accept this or that because that's what the judge will do, well, aga…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/20 01:32 AM
1

Sorry, but my experience with the court has been fairness between husband and wife, and certainly child welfare. Anti vaxxers give me a pain.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/20 06:12 PM
1

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. IN general though, the faster the deal is done and you are financially clear of each other, the less chance of things going very wrong. If a spouse was that uncooperative even with a court ordered settlement, what makes you think she'd be cooperative and carry through her end with an elaborate voluntary arrangement?
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/20 12:59 PM
1

Be genuine, loving, and have a thick skin. You are on the right track. Good on you for giving them reasonable limits: trying to buy them off backfires in the end anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/20 11:10 PM
1

The easiest thing for the Court to do is to require the house be sold and the equity split. That's not such a bad option for you. If she doesn't want that to happen, she needs to make a financial offer acceptable to you. If she makes an offer in mediation that's contingent on her getting a new mortgage that she's not really likely to get, you'll be going around and around a long time.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/20 11:03 PM
3

Sounds like you need a different lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/20 10:54 PM
1

Say you are right, her lawyer isn't a very good one, and your STBX is starting to figure that out, that means at least two things: 1) in a trial, your lawyer would probably win (but you are out the legal fees of having a trial) 2) your ex is now trying to settle on the side Everything we said before about trying to deal directly with your STBX is still true. This only helps if she can be reasonable. You can try to get a decent offer out of her--you know her better than any else so what kind of d…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/20 01:30 PM
1

People try to hide money. They get caught. Typical. Yes it is seen unfavorably by the Court.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/20 10:15 PM
1

Well you are in the process then. Just remember that delayed mediation can up the cost thousands and failing mediation and going to court so much more. So if she "wins" on some small things but you save money overall, okay. Keep your patience and try to get her to agree to the overall deal. You are right, her verbal agreement to one thing or another in the past is meaningless.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/20 08:28 PM
2

I expected the lawyer to listen to the facts in my case and to begin to have appropriate, specific responses. If the lawyer had over-promised but with only generalized responses to the facts I would have been suspicious.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/20 06:26 PM
2

" With the court system the way it is...... is there any hope??? " In my case I have found the courts absolutely fair between husband and wife, but more than that, absolutely preoccupied with protecting children. Get a lawyer and deal with this immediately. Ya, you are paralyzed--get the hell over it. Pick any decent divorce lawyer (or 'family law' practice) in your area and protect your children.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/20 06:09 PM
1

Nice! And well handled. The kids know. A few are conned by one parent or the other for a while, but generally it's all plain as day to them--and they are capable of loving flawed parents, together or separately.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/20 06:01 PM
1

You need to make some improvement for the kids sake. I don't know what that is between just long talks with you, daughter and Counselor, or the full divorce. Keeping the same situation sounds bad, as you said " continuing to fight with me wife is destroying everyone more ." " impossible in the current political, social and legal environment " Nope. I have found the legal system to be very fair between the wife and husband, and most of all preoccupied with what's best for the children. The divorc…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/20 05:59 PM
2

You are fine: she has an education coming about what is and isn't community property. Let the professional explain it, she is more likely to listen. I'm laugh/crying because you are regretting that mediation is going to cost thousands in legal fees, and sure that sucks, but my mediation failed and I'm up to 40k in legal fees and not finished. And we don't have that many assets, just pure cussedness at play.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/20 05:45 PM
1

Its helpful to know your opening position, but also to know your fallback position. It may be cool to play a bluff in poker, but for mediation every extra hour (or day) you spend you are paying a ton of legal fees. I think its smart to figure out within 3 hours whether the mediation has a chance of coming to agreement, or whether you are just too far apart and its not happening.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/20 05:39 PM
2

ps it is easy to set your phone to voice record when you are around her.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/20 05:25 PM
4

YES you need a lawyer asap. I just googled divorce lawyer reviews in my area, read the ratings, and within an hour picked a female lawyer to represent me. Went in for a free initial consultation, and didn't perceive any red flags. I've been satisfied with my selection. The expense will suck but you have no choice. Yes you need to move back in so you can see your kids and so you don't sacrifice your rights to the kids or home. You are right that you don't want the violence to escalate, but that d…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/20 05:23 PM
2

Then if you are seriously considering reconciliation you both have to be serious about it, and I would suggest finding a marriage counselor you both could have confidence in. Obviously you could chat with and sleep with your wife, but if nothing has been resolved I'd think you were just torturing yourself. Maybe you are on divorce track but amicably with still the ability to look back at the good times. You know her better than anyone, what is your impartial read now that you've thought about it…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/20 02:29 AM
1

File first. If you don't she can, and load it up with allegations about you. Yes you can still mediate. She's the one who suggested you divorce, tell her she shouldn't be mad if you took the legal step to begin it.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/20 10:50 PM
1

If she wasn't reasonable in the mediation, she won't be in the private conversation either. My X2B did exactly this, time and time again: she said the mediation and court legal costs were high (which they are because of her stalling). But when we exchanged emails on settling she didn't budge an inch but just resumed browbeating me to accept her terms--in fact she demanded even more. Now she is blocked from any contact with me and the judge will have to rule. As Knave7575 said, give her one chanc…
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/20 10:44 PM
1

"Talked about refinancing"--it's not generous if she's trying to get her money out now. I presume that if you had the money to buy her out that would have been arranged in court. If you can't afford to buy her out, then too damn bad for her. The court just ordered that the house remain until the kids are grown, and she must follow the court order. That said, if you can buy her out at a good rate, and you can afford it, then why not--but even then check with your attorney to make sure it doesn't …
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/20 10:35 PM
2

Wait do you have a divorce ongoing? Have you made your decision? If this is early stages and you both want to try counseling, great. But if you are way past that and divorce is underway, then the gate to your future is only found after you wrap up and close out the divorce. In many states if you sleep with her again, or give her the opening to say you did, it messes the whole divorce procedure and can influence the settlement. If your divorce is ongoing, you need to have your plan and stick with…
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/20 10:27 PM
1

Well, you know her better than anyone else, and what she might accept. Can you spin some bull about not being able to access the 401k (and cashing out now at the bottom of the market would be wicked wasteful) but offer her an amount of quick cash if she'll sign away all other claims? Or cash and 1 year's support?
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/20 04:31 AM
1

"Morally upset with myself" I think I know what you mean. I don't 'believe in divorce' myself, but when it became inevitable then I had to get used to the idea and accept it. Couple years ago I was helping my parents and thus was spending time in a retirement community with many folks in their 70s and 80s. Most seemed happily married, and I was thinking, 'damn, what's the secret?' Turns out, the secret was that most of the oldsters were on their 2d or 3d marriage. They never gave up and kept liv…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/20 04:25 AM
1

Yes it hurts. Make a plan, at least initial steps, and start working toward that new future. When you are feeling objective write notes for yourself and get the plan developed, don't trust your decisions when you are feeling too emotional, but use that time on some healthy physical outlet.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/20 04:16 AM
1

Nice thought, but money will help you provide for the child.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/20 04:12 AM
1

My S2BX is Latina and wants to treat divorce like her retirement plan. My lawyer (female) says she is able bodied and can work, and keeps saying that to the court. Don't let your attorney milk the mediation process either. Go in with a firm opening offer, know your fallback position, and be resolved to not go beyond it. If you don't get at least to your fallback position the first day, if not the first morning, then make it clear its her last chance or go to trial. I don't get your math exactly,…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/20 04:05 AM
1

I'm thinking option 1.5. I have found the court to be very fair in my divorce. Since she has some income, and your income is only so much, they may only tap you for a modest amount of support. Plus, another way to look at it is that the court doesn't want to force a settlement, they would rather the parties work it out in mediation. By doing your option 2 but making sure it was fair, you'd be basically doing mediation without the legal costs. On the bigger issue, it makes sense: you love her, bu…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/20 03:49 AM
1

Tough situation. You may have to make do with marathon video calls for this time. Not ideal but hey, its an option we didn't even have a few years ago. It is great you have a plan and know how you'll improve this situation in the coming months. I would be honest with the boys about the hitch this time and about the plan and your intentions.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/20 03:36 AM
2

You and your son will continue to have great talks periodically and you will take great care of him and give him the launch he needs to grow into manhood. My boys are both in college but with COVID they are in lockdown with me. Their mother is across town but she hardly asks them to get together and they aren't in any hurry to see her. Tomorrow you still won't know all the answers but you'll know the next step and that'll be good enough.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/20 03:29 AM
3

Well, you aren't alone in this.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/20 03:21 AM
5

Stay in his life and spend quality time. Love him. I'm in divorce now (made it 20yrs and two great kids!), but I was a child of divorce too. My Mom used to say I was lucky that I was young when the divorce was happening so I didn't know what was going on. Of course I wasn't going to tell Mom to stfu, but she was so wrong. Even at age 3 and 4 I knew Dad wasn't around! How not notice? So of course kids are aware of all. Don't spin the truth, but just keep it true and simple enough for him to grasp…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/20 03:18 AM
1

The court has been fair to me so far. Hope it is in the final hearing at the end of this month! Very glad the court was fair to you in the end.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/20 09:38 PM
1

<high five>. Respect for the perseverance.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/20 09:36 PM
1

You know your kids, and you are capable of carrying on a conversation about them. They may be biased, and/or you may not be in the habit of opening your mouth and talking about them as much, but you can politely chime in. I agree, if she can't make a meeting, shoot off an email that you can, go in without her and engage.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/20 09:34 PM
1

The benefit of divorce is not having to take her bullshit anymore--yet you are still receiving it and it bugs you. I sympathize, but you've got to let it roll off you like water off a duck's back. Stay in the right, document everything, and if your present attorney isn't getting it done, trade up. Think of the kids and remember you will be free of her eventually.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/20 09:29 PM
1

Ya, my X2B doesn't know what she wants, but makes ridiculous demands, lashes out, stalls, and/or doesn't cooperate. That's why mediation failed and its going to require Court to finally end this. Every conversation is just her rationalizing and self-justifying? Ha. Sounds familiar. Sorry, but you've got to just let that roll off you, and don't expect her to start making sense.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/20 12:31 AM
1

Good on you for having a conscience and residual loyalty--although sounds like your ex doesn't deserve them. Don't lose your own innate decency, but get used to moving on too. Step at a time.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/20 12:20 AM
6

She is trying to go on the offensive BECAUSE of her cheating. If you go passive, her brazen insolence will be rewarded. She's got nothing, she's building herself up with sanctimony. I know you feel down, but you must stand up for yourself now! Document the facts. Testify to the truth. Be self controlled but be determined to get this dealt with fairly. If the opposition attorney is overstating things and being emotional then they will look bad in front of the judge, but only if you and your attor…
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/20 12:13 AM
1

Sorry to hear that. Brace yourself--other bullshit can and will happen. She's making an ass of herself--and those guys are pathetic. Focus on the child's best welfare and find a healthy outlet for yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/20 11:22 PM
2

I am the one who filed first, but the enormous sense of entitlement on behalf of the wife, that seemed similar.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/20 11:17 PM
2

Save those texts!
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/20 11:14 PM
2

Yes, what sfn said.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/20 11:11 PM
1

Not sure why your deposition and discovery rights didn't succeed. Do you have any attorney of your own? Any money that she gets from family doesn't count, unless she brought it into the marriage. If you knew every penny she gets from them it still most likely wouldn't help you. But you've always known that, right, that her family has money? Great that you have 50% custody. How soon can you revisit child support: 6 months? 12 months? Because in 6 months from now you'll probably know for sure that…
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/20 11:09 PM
1

My X2B kept smearing me, but she overdid it and now no one listens to her. Her social media connections are way down. I also go with the idea that people that believed garbage about me so easily aren't people I'm gonna care about. Still, document what you can for your attorney to use. Most courts order both sides to not publicly defame each other, and courts don't like to be disobeyed.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/20 11:32 PM
1

This is on her. She's either cruel or mental--or both. You've offered her therapy and she hasn't taken it. You can't help her now. Do your best for you and the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/20 01:56 AM
1

Don't feel guilty--divorce sucks and you are doing what you have to do. Proud of you for putting in the time and going through the process to keep that relationship with your kid.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/20 01:52 AM
3

Congratulations on each having decent incomes and retirement accounts. Many of us can't say that. I will turn 58 in two months. I get you--be grateful for the good years, and the child (who presumably turned out decent?), but you are just roommates now. I, for one, am nowhere near ready to stop living--really living. Your chances are decent of going your separate ways, both having financial security and blue skies ahead. But yes, inventory resources and speak to lawyers up front just in case she…
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/20 01:48 AM
1

It is going to help you clean up the house and get it ready for quick sale, but yes, ask the lawyer about any legal implications. The house will need to be sold.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/20 01:39 AM
1

IN case that isn't clear, lying to the court can really piss off the judge, who then rules against the person.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/20 01:37 AM
1

Ask her when she is under oath. If she lies and you can prove it, she has perjured herself. Using a private investigator costs some money, but a decent one could confirm this in a day or less. The attorneys know which P.I. to use. Its actually nice she works, but yes, you want to prove that she is, and that she lied in court documents.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/20 01:35 AM
1

Good for you! They can keep throwing crazy at you but that doesn't mean you have to give an eff. You are making the best of the train-wreck to learn, grow, and get stronger--cool.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/20 01:32 PM
2

Your ex tried a false accusation--well most of the guys in this subreddit share that experience. But now your bad marriage experience is the fault of the entire USA? You picked her you know. And you think marriages don't turn nasty in other countries too? You ignore the bulk of my message which is about your son. If she is so terrible, why should she get full control of raising your child? If you can't fix your wounded pride here, you can't fix it anywhere. C'mon, do something that makes you fee…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/20 01:19 PM
1

Also, would it work to tell her that pulling the money from retirement takes years and years, but you are willing to pay her off with 100,000 now. Heck, even if she knows the numbers, some people are short term thinkers like that.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/20 12:28 AM
1

If you agree on a division in mediation, then the court doesn't have to rule. If you really have more stashed than she realizes, then do a drama, give in and offer her a large amount (but not as large as you actually have), but only if she signs off on the whole deal quickly. Her greed may be the key to you keeping more than half. But work with a lawyer on this before implementing.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/20 12:24 AM
1

You were falsely accused? If you run away it will be like an admission of guilt. You don't have to stay around forever but I would stay in the area until the child is 18 and understands you and your heart. If your kid comes to understand you in the next few years, then who gives a damn about what anyone else thinks? If you keep your good job you can stabilize your finances.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/20 12:16 AM
1

Wants you to both work on yourselves but won't do marriage counseling--its magical thinking, being willing to do the marriage counseling is the only thing that would have made a difference. She's not willing to build back commitment and trust. She's not going to be able to just shop for a better offer in life and find it. Too bad they all go for that delusion. Yes, put the kids first, but that may mean divorce, with the arrangements carefully planned out. If she has cheated and you can prove it …
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/20 12:11 AM
1

It is a death of a relationship. Also mourning comes in waves, so when the pain dies down finally don't be surprised when the next wave hits you--its a little smaller and shorter than the first wave. Then the next, and the next but they do diminish. You remember when she would lay on the floor and cry: maybe its better to pity her than hate her? Maybe. But protect yourself legally anyhow.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/20 12:03 AM
2

With my wife it was wanting to start her own business--doesn't sound bad, right? Ten years later she hasn't brought in a customer or an investor. Like you, if I tried to talk irrefutable financial logic I was "abusive" or some other psycho babble accusation. In my case financial reality is up against her delusions, and it was the marriage that broke first. Now the divorce is dragging on because she insists that she won't work but wants to be made rich. In terms of her wanting to address being sa…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/20 06:39 PM
2

good, glad to hear that
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/20 01:01 AM
1

My ex wanted to just negotiate without needing any further legal process: then she wouldn't back off her crazy demands. So now we go through the very expensive legal process. The court will say split the house proceeds 50/50 unless one of the parents is keeping the house to raise the kids and the other parent is unfit or got caught cheating. Why aren't you prioritizing your custody rights?
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/20 11:30 PM
2

Tough love and high expectations for raising kids.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/20 11:21 PM
1

Get a lawyer, get that divorce asap. Get yourself some therapy with a therapist or a trusted Pastor if you've got one. Hope her family gets her into more treatment.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/20 11:20 PM
7

I was thrilled to have a best friend, lover, and partner to face life's challenges. Post divorce I am grateful that I have two wonderful sons.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/20 02:38 PM
2

Prioritize the kids, yes. Stay in the present situation, no. You can build a future that is best for the kids. Lawyer up, learn the possible options. Fight like hell for maximum custody--perhaps full custody depending whether you can document your version of events here. Staying in the present situation is NOT best for the kids. They'll internalize your pain, your humiliating situation, the hostility, her predation, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/20 05:42 PM
2

Your choices are divorce or marriage counseling, and it doesn't sound like you or she are committed to starting over through marriage counseling. Even if you aren't sure, lawyer up immediately. Is there someone you can talk to? Respected Pastor? Older family member? I think its better to have one respected and experienced person you can talk it out with than inadvertently spilling this and that aspects to your friends and family.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/20 05:35 PM
2

Use this to your advantage. Negotiate a finite lump sum towards her grad school in mediation, then finalize the divorce asap. You are absolutely right, don't let this become a blank check for her to continue to add expenses and delay into. Of course, lawyer up.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/20 05:29 PM
3

Ya, successful mediation is a good milestone, but don't let your guard down, it aint over until its over. Don't drink when you are both in the house, don't say a word in anger, record everything if she does. If you start dating, don't let her see it until after the divorce is final.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/20 05:25 PM
1

Dude, you aren't even 30? You can start over and be anything you want to be. Document that you became a house husband by common agreement and you should get half the common property plus alimony. Lawyer up. (And don't ever again say that she talked you into it. You agreed. Its done. Move forward.) Why isn't getting custody your first concern???
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/20 05:21 PM
2

I'd say back up two steps: The Court doesn't want to impose a solution on you, they'd much rather you work it out in mediation. Anything you work out in mediation and agree on becomes the deal. Who gets kicked out of the home has more to do with custody than finance Fight like hell for the most custody you can get. If she is unfit or if you have been doing a majority of the parenting, document everything. I've never heard of a court order for someone to assume the mortgage and get the home. Much…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/20 05:15 PM
2

And yes, lawyer up!
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/20 05:51 PM
2

I don't want to sound harsh, but would like to share some perspective. You each make 120k and that's all you have to show for it? No wonder the kids haven't learned any financial discipline: they get free rent and financial help for new vehicles. That line is really something: "she blames me for her cheating"--that's beyond entitled--wow, just wow. Basic concept on divorce: the former spouse isn't your responsibility anymore. How could you go forward paying a mortgage for her?? I wouldn't keep t…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/20 05:50 PM
2

It seems you have a job now--keep it while you look for a new job wherever you do want to live. If she has only been 'distant' a few weeks, maybe she might yet think differently, and be willing to try counseling--that's on her though because you suggested counseling once and she refused. That said, if she's pursuing divorce you need to see a lawyer too and protect yourself. Why don't you keep the dog? Sounds like she's been getting a lot of what she wants. You are going to have to decide what yo…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/20 11:54 PM
5

You are talking a few hundred dollars worth of stuff. You'd pay almost that much to keep them in storage a year. Compared to getting your heart waffle stomped, and the tens of thousands of dollars (or more) that are in play with most divorces, this isn't something to dwell on. Take the path of least bother.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/20 11:45 PM
2

You wish that yours be a loving marriage (don't we all!--perfectly understandable), but its not. Fixing it takes two--serious commitment for both. If you are going to get to the point where 1) you have your own issues in a better place, and 2) you are in a mutually committed marriage, its not going to be by holding on to a situation with someone who is abusive to you.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/20 07:55 PM
3

Sorry sir, but, respectfully, I don't see any good of staying legally married if you are not in deed or fact married. Its neither more noble nor religious. And yes, you are carrying enormous liability.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/20 07:51 PM
1

Learn and go forward. Good that you have the humility and insight, but don't stay stuck.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/20 07:44 PM
1

Well there's a girl I should have followed up on in 1984, but I was shy. Other than that, I'd do the same because I have two great kids, and I'd divorce the same as soon as they were old enough.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/20 07:41 PM
2

Keep your new relationship secret until your lawyer gives you the all clear. I understand the satisfaction in getting off the fence and knowing its time to file for divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/20 08:32 PM
3

Great that you are focused on the kids. Absolutely applaud your priorities there. Great instinct you had refusing to leave! Now try to stay a step ahead--lot's of solid advice here about securing at least half the assets and getting an attorney. You were willing to do counseling, but she refused: now whatever the heck is wrong with her head isn't your concern, you need to stay focused on best outcomes for you and the kids. Good luck, stay strong.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/20 08:29 PM
2

Good luck, but this isn't really the place for that.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/20 05:48 PM
2

Its normal to feel sad, and I sympathize, but you know this is your life now and how to work forward. This part hurts, but you got this. You are doing the right things to move forward. She will probably regret dating again so soon, and anyhow, that's no reason for you to make the same mistake. Again, you got this.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/20 05:45 PM
1

Glad to hear therapy brought about some progress. In my humble opinion, focus on a positive future for all, and yes, that probably includes some boundaries and distance. Say positive things to the daughter (i get it: you love her but don't 'like' her may be legit, but letting her know you love her is bedrock for her life) and even the ex when you can, take time and space for yourself when you need it.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/20 05:41 PM
1

Marriage didn't magically fix your life, but it doesn't sound like marriage is the problem either. Sounds like you can't "do what's best for" you now until you figure out what that is--other than running that is, which is only a temporary relief. Sometimes a different Counselor can help where the first one didn't.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/20 07:56 PM
3

Why did you move out--why doesn't she move out? Nothing will get "fixed" passively. If you don't accept divorce, try to fix things and make her justify this change. If you do accept the divorce, figure out your terms and start making them happen.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/20 07:48 PM
1

Or you can say that by keeping the status quo he's enabling the environment where she will keep on drinking and raging. If she's refusing all help, priority is to get the kid in a better environment, and , who knows, maybe this will be the best thing for her in the long run too.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/20 01:04 AM
1

If you need to divorce, do it. I think your priority to ensure a safe landing for your son is right on. Don't assume your son will choose your wife--if you've been basically his main care giver he must know that you are his solid parent--have faith in that. If he does get ideas of saving his mother, be patient with that, but I agree with you, no one can help her as long as she refuses help. She may make less than you, but the fact that she works is going to help you avoid being stuck with alimon…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/20 01:00 AM
2

I am divorcing but its never a first resort. If the romance is dead, there is a reason. I would really suggest marriage counseling--I'm Christian and preferred a counselor with full professional training who was also Christian. Then if counseling fails you at least know you tried and probably at least learned enough to know why the fire went out.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/20 02:34 AM
1

Yes, don't suddenly expect that woman to exhibit reason or decency. You can pray for her if you want, but even God can't change her if she's too stubborn to allow Him.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/20 07:31 PM
2

Yes, this. The ONLY thing that will help Dad is finally getting a decent lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/20 07:25 PM
3

Everybody has needs, but you know now she isn't the answer. Make your plan to build a better life, and stick with it day by day. Work on it, focus on the positive things. Help someone in need.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/20 07:22 PM
1

Do what it takes to have quality time with your kids. Do make sure that all the activities she signed them up for are safe and the personnel are properly vetted. That was a pet peeve of mine even when we were still married: acting like she's supermom because she signed them up for multiple things. But kids are smart and they know who actually spent time with them.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/20 07:16 PM
3

Mediation failed for us because my X2B was nowhere near reasonable. The Mediator seemed nice, but I'll never really know. The Mediator did admit defeat and signed 'we tried' papers late morning without wasting my money on the rest of the day accomplishing nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/20 07:07 PM
2

There are separate issues here: the decision to split up, playing up personal lives for a public audience, and individual relationships. My X2B has tried her best to convince everyone we've ever known that she's a victim and that I'm a bad guy. I have chosen not to play that game. Some people were snowed, but many others have gotten sick of her b.s. so it has backfired on her. Also, while I don't like going public with my personal life, I did tell someone in the family who I'll call The Talker, …
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/20 07:36 PM
5

This might give you a stronger argument to discontinue or reduce support payments, but the Court will still tend to divide community property 50/50.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/20 07:21 PM
3

We finally have our day in court next month. Hope I get the resolution you've gotten--then be able to go forward.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/20 03:54 PM
1

Good lesson. Hard to remain objective when its your own life, so thanks for the perspective.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/20 02:22 PM
1

Great that this has been helpful for you. Yep, seems the advice for any guy just getting in to the process is to start by asking for your full 50/50 share of everything, especially custody, from the beginning. As soon as you settle for less on anything it gets taken as some kind of precedent. Its great that your daughter knows that you've been civil but persistently fighting for your time with her.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/20 02:19 PM
3

The devil has enough damn advocates. Also, your timing is terrible. OP was clear enough: he maintains his relationship with his kids. He's right for all of us: we don't get the past back, the pain was real, yet you focus on what really matters and fight for it--in his case successfully.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/20 02:10 PM
2

Coming to an agreement is the slow part. You would benefit from a temporary or emergency (what's the correct legal term?) ruling in the mean time. If there is any reason you can demonstrate child endangerment you should be able to get before the judge quickly and get custody of the kids. If she is simply 'disparaging' (Sh*t talking) you, your lawyer can send a letter telling her to stop but that probably won't accomplish much. She isn't going to negotiate reasonably as long as she has it in her …
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/20 01:56 PM
1

It seems to be extremely hard for men to report a wife who is abusive--physically or otherwise. I understand, its hard to switch gears from protecting them. Thing is, we need to show leadership, which can either mean getting them help if possible, such as through marital counseling, but if they've gone too far just report them, or we become enablers, a.k.a. part of the problem.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/20 02:47 AM
2

It is hard. Remember, she did it to herself bringing violence into the home. You can't let yourself be trapped in a situation where you have to respond with force (even restraining force), nor where you have to worry about the kids' safety. Once the authorities are involved, and she knows that they know, there is a decent chance she won't resort to domestic violence ever again.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/20 02:39 AM
2

There are two issues: the tobacco use and the stealing. Smoking bad. You know that and don't want him to have lung cancer. Enough said. Stealing. You are right that you can't turn full disciplinarian on him if your relationship is weak; but don't give up, work on the relationship. Conversely, he may be testing the limits just like he did when he was 2yrs old etc to see if you really care. Be steady as a rock, not violent but consistently holding the line for what's right and your motivation for …
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/20 08:19 PM
1

True, but I might add that only the first consultation is free. If the divorce goes the whole 9 yards legal costs will be high, but the ultimate cost of not having legal counsel is even higher!
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/20 08:04 PM
2

First, I think Dustoffer gave you great counsel. You tried reconciliation: with professional counseling or just the two of you? If you haven't tried professional counseling it may still help. After three years apart, getting together again was never going to be easy or automatic. If reconciliation fails, you at some point have to make the best of creating a post marriage future. A good divorce may be better for the kids than a bad marriage--especially if Mom is violent. Protect your custody righ…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/20 08:01 PM
4

Sorry that happened. I was going to make a suggestion, but then realized you didn't ask for one.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/20 07:36 PM
1

So you are convinced that divorce is coming and she's never coming back? Or things may yet reverse and you both try reconciliation? Can't answer about stuff without knowing that. If you are sure its over talk to a lawyer, file for divorce, and then pack up the junk if the lawyer says its okay. If you are still hoping for reconciliation, don't pack stuff up unless she agrees to it. I don't recommend straddling the fence indefinitely for your own sanity.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/20 07:29 PM
2

Some great advice here already. I was going to say try for marriage counseling as a format for laying out the facts and bringing it to a head. That said, she is a DOCTOR she already knows her weight gain is not healthy, sudden weight gain has psychological ties, and that libido is necessary for marriage. If I was really going to play psychologist, I would say that at some level she already understands the entire dynamic and has made her choice: she's willing to pursue you to love her as a chubby…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/20 06:46 PM
3

I went through all this pondering during the years I was holding on to the marriage until the kids were grown, so by the time of the actual filing I was mostly dry eyed and resolved. You found out more recently so are still going through this process--this is healthy, in my opinion. Myself, I don't at all regret the good years, I don't try to forget them. I'll keep that set of photo albums, but my next ones won't have her picture in them. I don't regret marrying her because I got great kids out …
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/20 06:31 PM
3

If you can't get out of bed to do something for yourself, get up to do something for someone else. But yes, the gym is great too--has been important for me. Its natural to, literally, need time to heal, but you already know that this level of torpor can't go on--get help if you need it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/20 02:14 PM
1

It does suck, but feeling regretful is a waste of time and energy. I actually am finding the judge to be surprisingly fair, so get the help you need (yes, lawyer up) and cut your losses.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/20 02:09 PM
1

Congratulations on having custody of your son: that's the biggest thing. You've only given so many clues, but I sense that you are, in a way, still letting her rule your life--you still need to become the lead actor in your own story. I mean, listen to you: she cheated and you are the one who moved out? You still have plenty of time to map out a decent life with decent people and start making it happen. Sadness is justified, but you need to become too busy doing the right things for you and your…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/20 02:01 PM
1

You've been strong for your wife and kids for a long time and that's admirable; now you need to consolidate yourself as a leader not a punching bag. Continuing in this way is not even best for her: having you as scapegoat and enabler doesn't really make her happy, it just lets her continue destructive behavior. Kids are savvy and they know you both well. If Mommy has to have a "time out" from a cop or judge they'll get it. Don't let this be the model for your girls to grow up into: 2d generation…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/20 01:52 PM
2

Sad, yes, its all sad. She will have to learn boundaries and laws like the rest of the human race though.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/20 07:11 PM
1

I found ratings of my area attorneys online. Also, scroll down within Divorce_Men, somebody wrote a letter on choosing a lawyer recently.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/20 07:07 PM
2

All I can say is, this is very typical. Despite the judge's instructions my X2B keeps trying to win by manipulation what she can't win honestly in court, and has even gone through a good friend of mine (and sh*t talked me) who is a citizen in a very far away country. Controlling habits die hard--in fact some never change.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/20 03:23 PM
1

Next, you lawyer up. Stay calm, but stay firm on your plan for your child, which is best for the child. Sorry to say, but if your X2B is controlling and argumentative mediation will fail. As you say, it is premised on compromise--she won't reasonably compromise so you need to win, not yield. Lawyer up. Do not yield on what's best for the child, nor frankly on what's best for you.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/20 03:18 PM
1

I think the science supports your theory about women in their late 30s, although not all react to it by looking outside the home.
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/20 11:14 PM
2

From what you've written, and what you ask in your title, I'd say yes, its within your power to save it. Your odds are better than the majority who write in.
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/20 11:07 PM
1

Listen to yourself: your marital assets are less than your annual salary. Therefore your primary concern is getting this done soon with no further obligation so you can keep your own money and live your life going forward. Not a lawyer, but there's no child support, and I think your chances are good of escaping any alimony for this short a marriage. Nobody leaves a divorce settlement "happy." Just cut your losses.
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/20 11:03 PM
1

Lawyer up. Collect evidence. I know somebody said treat it like going to war, and I get that, but I would say make it your job: get a lawyer who is determined but dispassionate and follow everything they say methodically. You can win.
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/20 10:56 PM
1

Did you copy the computer evidence and give it to your lawyer? If you date now will she use it to say you were the one cheating--ask your lawyer. Good that you are becoming your best self and feeling more secure. Sounds like that would have never happened inside the marriage if her pattern was to keep you down.
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/20 10:51 PM
1

You describe a tough situation then conclude by saying you don't want to file. We can't decide for you. Some people do just accept that level of dysfunction. I suggest that if you aren't concerned for your own sake, really look hard at what's best for the child. A single parent with their head on straight might be better for the child than being exposed to substance addictions and poor dietary habits.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/20 06:40 PM
2

Ya, this
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/20 09:36 PM
1

Yes this. And no it isn't fair.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/20 09:35 PM
1

A Counselor as in Marriage Counseling? Or are you definitely going to a Mediator to try to mediate a divorce settlement in lieu of a stretched out court procedure? Given that you have a 3 year old I hope you both give your all to the counseling sessions. It can work. Actually about every married couple could get some good out of counseling so its nothing to be ashamed of; there is probably much that you two could still learn about marriage and what it takes, just like the rest of us. Having said…
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/20 09:29 PM
2

Yes its normal. You have laid out sound reasons for irreconcilable differences and abusive behavior towards children. It speaks well of you actually that you have a default that says "show mercy and try harder" but her behaviors aren't going to just change. Even if she was fully committed to change and was working with a counselor it would still take years--and it doesn't sound like she wants to change. I have compassion for my X2B but I also know that I am doing the rational thing. My son is so…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/20 11:55 PM
2

You are right to get the lawyer. Now you need evidence. I find that the Court takes domestic violence and abuse seriously.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/20 11:45 PM
1

Well now that you are done venting, do something about it. Look, I know that society and the system has been unfair to men for decades, but then again, I live in what many would consider a backwards state and legally they are pretty even handed. My judge has heard literally a thousand divorce cases and he knows its the women who can be abusive, and he knows that women can equally well work and bring in income. But you certainly have to make your case in court. Document everything. Has she yelled…
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/19 05:22 PM
2

Why does she get the master bedroom? She throws a tantrum and tests the limits and you cave? What do you do when your small children test the limits? When my wife tried to throw me out of the master bedroom I quietly but firmly said 'no, but if you want to sleep on the couch you may.' It took the wind out of her. (And in court the judge ruled she was the one who had to move out of the house.) "She has had the power and is wielding it." Yes, and it sounds like you gave her that. "Should have advo…
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/19 05:07 PM
3

Depends what you hope/expect to achieve. Fairness for yourself? Then, sure, car and credit card were pretty generous where some college kids earn there own pocket money. Trying to overcome the alienation? Cutting funds is just going to freeze or worsen that situation, unless accompanied by some breakthrough. Can you make support contingent on her seeing a counselor--maybe that would help the child see both sides, but no guarantees. If you do support your "adult" child, make sure the money goes d…
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/19 03:34 AM
1

Take 50% (or more). More importantly get 50% (or more) custody. Sure you are thinking of the kids, but if you give away your funds and she blows it, how can you help the kids then?
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/19 01:40 AM
1

She told you who she is. Believe it. Don't get mad, get free. Document everything!
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/19 02:47 PM
2

It would be nice to successfully re-boot this marriage instead of divorcing, but you can't do that unless she participates. Sounds like if she got counseling and started a job of her own she could take pride in things could be better, but again, she may be like most people who just coast in old behavior patterns without making the change that would be good for them. You can set up a new life that is designed to be least disruptive for the children. Its hard to find clarity, but deep down you kno…
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/19 02:43 PM
2

Yes, and then one of the things she would accuse ME of was controlling behaviors!! (Irony is dead.) I was somewhat aware that it was wrong, but not the depth of it until the judge ordered her out of the house, and my son and I each discovered what a weight was lifted. Its such a constant source of dread and disruption: even during the rare pauses of fault finding and self justification was just the tension of waiting for the next torrent to begin. I'm glad I waited until the boys were grown, but…
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/19 02:50 AM
1

Yes, this
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/19 01:51 AM
1

I've heard that you have to mourn the death of a marriage almost as much as the death of a friend or family member. You have human emotions and you are healing--nothing wrong with that.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/19 02:28 AM
2

Congrats. Sincerely. Stay strong--I wish all the folks writing in (and myself) could stay in the attitude you've got right now.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/19 02:24 AM
1

Your lawyer sounds pathetic. He should be filing an emergency order, and he should have you documenting all of this. Laws exist for exactly this reason; this aint the 1950s, you have at least 50% rights to your children, and if she is endangering them in any way you may have more.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/19 02:15 AM
1

Its the relation with the daughters you need to keep: the house is a symbol and it is going to mean much less to all of you very soon than you presently realize, especially as they become adults. Keeping your share of the house's equity allows you to take care of your daughters in the future, even for currently unforeseen needs. [I used to have a girlfriend and I loved going to her place. When I was away I could remember every detail of it, and when I was back there with her it was wonderful aga…
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/19 02:08 AM
1

I've got a good lawyer (female) and she has punctured every false accusation my wife has tried. She also helped me document the time my wife physically threatened me, and when she did something violent easily seen as intimidating to our kid. So for all the times she plotted to portray me as abusive (she would say it out loud!) the only proof of abusive behavior is on her. My point is get down to business methodically defending yourself. Lawyers are fricking expensive but necessary. By the way th…
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/19 01:53 AM
2

Two reasons for going to marriage counseling (thoroughly research first and get a good one!) and trying to work on it: The sex and relationship are definitely connected. If the relationship recovers and you wanted to physically please each other you'd find a way even if your bodies aren't what they used to be. At the least, the bad sex is a sign. The counseling might reveal an unexpected cause you wouldn't otherwise get to; conversely the cause might be just one or both of you letting it slide w…
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/19 01:36 AM
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