I’m honestly so proud of what men are trying to do on this subreddit. The “tightrope” is delicate and it feels like the intentions here are genuine and filled with the capacity for nuanced and critical thinking. Thanks for creating this space!
Congrats for bringing this simple & compelling hashtag to the masses u/forgetaboutthelonely! I appreciate the intensity and heart that you put into being an advocate for men. It is inspiring!! Keep it up! 😍
Thanks for taking the time to watch it and giving me the supportive feedback! Like I said in the video, “Hurt people, hurt people” so if we want to help decrease the bad stuff being done (by some), we need to address the suffering of men. Vilifying a gender is just black-and-white nonsense.
Thanks so much redgarnetamaranth!! I’m glad to hear that my videos may be “filling a void.” That’s a very nice thing to hear from someone that finds benefit in me sharing my personal perspective. Thanks! 😊
I actually have issues with suppressed emotional expression AND UN-abandoned emotional expression. No one is benefited from being able to lash out or emote endlessly or “hysterically.” Emotional maturity and growth comes through developing the abilities for frustration tolerance, selective emotional expression, and self soothing skills. So, a “healthy” level of emotional openness, sharing and emoting is what I advocate for from BOTH genders in my counseling office. 😊
Agreed! 😊 Men definitely need to be supported more and given greater permission for emotional openness/needs - self sufficiency is a fallacy for either gender and causes great mental pain and suffering.
I TOTALLY get why that is what you took from this video because I was worried that that was how it would be interpreted. The message I was trying to get across is that masculinity has a socially generous aspect just like femininity (nurturing/caretaking) does. It seems like masculinity is perceived as selfish or oppressive, but as men/social creature with qualities adapted through evolution for the advancement of the species - masculinity is also of social value/service. To “try to be your best”…
Well done!! Thanks for expressing your objections, perspective and concerns. That is not a small thing given the time and thought and emotional energy it takes to move the conversation forward in a constructive way! I hope they stay true to the commitment to allow you to take part in the conversation!! 😊
A “disillusioned activist” that is inspired to “get off his butt” is a beautiful thing. We all need to do our small part to move our world forward, I think. I, too, appreciate that this sub is not anti-woman AND not blindly feminist. There are nuances, contradictions, flaws, biases , etc. to ANY ideology... so being able to openly and thoughtfully critically consider and question them helps keep us all on our toes so we aren’t drinking anyone’s Kool-aid. 😊 Glad you’re here!!!
That is SO incredibly kind! But I don’t, honestly, have a clue. I just want to help elevate men’s mental health. Full stop. I am open to ideas of what would actually be helpful since I am “just” a therapist and new to sharing my perspective beyond my office door. (I will add that I am not a good writer... well, I can throw a few words together rather decently, but... I am SUPER slow and too perfectionistic to write a newsletter. 😬)
I honestly don’t think the Rebel books are positioned to be women vs. men. But I TOTALLY agree that too much in our society is oriented toward a gender winner and loser - a zero sum game- and it is hurting everyone!!
I absolutely LOVE the idea of books for boys that are motivational and highlight less traditional jobs! I have 4 sons and I would buy those for them, too! 😀
(I’m not much of a YouTuber either... before starting this, I had never subscribed to anyone because I didn’t know it was a “thing”! 😉) Thanks for the nice feedback! 😊
Okay, I’m probably going to get zinged for this, but as a woman/mom I have bought the Rebel Girls books for my girls and I will tell you why... I am now 50 y.o. and I did not grow up learning about women’s accomplishments as a young girl. I learned about the presidents (like Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt), the explorers (Columbus, Magellen, Neil Armstrong), pioneers (Lewis & Clark), scientists (Newton, Einstein, Galileo) the famous artists (Monet, Picasso, Michelangelo), writers/philosophers (S…
These are really GREAT bits of advice! Thanks so much!!! I am brand new to the YouTube world and can use all the help anyone generously provides!! My son will appreciate the “demand” for more from him. 😉 I gotta give my audience what they want! Yikes! I never thought that my videos might look like “lectures” in the thumbnails but now I look and see what you mean. 🥴 Hmmm... I’ve gotta think on that.
I will keep what you have said as a resource. It enlightens me and inspires me. I will try to use your pain (and that of other men) as “fuel” to continue to articulate my knowledge/perspective and move the conversation forward. I know that I can’t do anything “therapeutically” for you since it is unethical to counsel anyone that is not under my clinical care. But thank you for sharing. I hear you.
Exactly!!! This is actually a biological phenomenon. The human brain likes simplicity - good/bad, black/white - because it easily categorizes safety and danger and allows less mental energy to be “spent.” BUT, while that’s good for simple animals for survival, it’s HORRIBLE for humans. It is too simplistic and reductionist - it causes wars, bigotry, racism, political divide, sexism. We have more complex mental abilities, with a prefrontal cortex, than any other animal - but we struggle to use it…
I don’t feel like I deserve so much appreciation for simply doing the right thing (but I am grateful). There just should be another way that is more egalitarian and acknowledges the challenges of both sexes. No one needs to “win” the suffering game for a person’s struggles to be real & heard. That’s just nonsense!
I don’t mind a righteous rant at all! 😊 I actually quite appreciate the perspective because it just enriches what I know in a broader and deeper way. The other thing I would say is... you WERE a victim of abuse. You may not like it or feel comfortable with it, and people may even cruelly call it “whining”; but truth is truth. And we are liberated when we acknowledge the truth. Please don’t add to your abuse by being a denier of your abuse. Show yourself the compassion you would show another. Hea…
If I took this 2 cents to the bank, it would be worth thousands!! You have articulated the pain and the struggle and the frustrations soooooo well. Thank you, thank you for sharing so insightfully!
Thanks for the kindness. I am quickly learning to more carefully navigate the online world and, despite a few initial bruises, I think I am getting the lay of the land. Thanks for being a source for support and clarification. 😊
Thank you for your very reflective post. I appreciated it a lot because it articulated some of the feelings I've been having about how talking about gender issues ANYWHERE on Reddit feels very doom and gloom and depressingly hopeless. Your words: "Just like people can use "patriarchy" as an all-encompassing threat, "feminism" can take that same place" really resonated with me. I don't live in a state of anger or hypervigilance by choice and by deliberate practice... and I don't want that to chan…
I see that, too... being “middle of the road” is unacceptable and a renunciation (somehow) of the sides verses being valued as a nuanced understanding of the complexity of an issue.
Agreed. And “comparative suffering” or “zero-sum” thinking seems to miss the point entirely! When I do better emotionally as a human being, I act upon the world more constructively, which impacts you positively. Seems kinda like a no-brainer.
I like the reframe... what I felt like was an existential crisis in my state of utter distress you applaud as an enlightened step forward (“props to you for gaining that perspective.”) I appreciate that!! 😀 Also, thanks for the support and encouragement to not give up.
Your description of the “lay of the land” resonates with the vision of what I see through my little blue eyes. It feels vast and sad and complex and real. I really love your optimism about a genuine ‘social justice movement’ taking place eventually. I will lean into THAT!! 😊
I LOVE being referenced as a “drop of healing balm.” 😊 Aahhhh, that is so sweet!! Yes, this is now feeing like the “path of greater resistance” and I’m a sensitive soul so I don’t really like the conflict... BUT I am also a tenacious farmer’s daughter that doesn’t really believe in taking the easy path when it fundamentally feels wrong. So, there’s the rub. 😉
Point taken. The war analogy is not really a good one. What you said is something that I have been repeating over and over... When our men do better, we all do better!” This seems so darn simple to me that I am baffled by how this could be controversial. 🥴
I recently purchased The Palgrave Handbook and (so far) I find it resonates with my clinical experiences/subsequent beliefs being a therapist who works with a lot of men. I have a lot, yet, to read tho’ so I am also sure I will come away with some new considerations/confrontations of how I need to rethink what I do. (I do not claim to have a purity in my work as I am sure I remain influenced by mainstream biases. Unfortunately.) I also find your thoughts on the parallels between racial issues an…
Thank you for the additional resources. I agree that this is an individual journey and that developing my own views and thoughts is part of growth. And while I don’t need to label myself anything, per say, I am comforted to know that I’m not alone. I kinda feel like I’ve found the land of Santa’s misfit toys - and we’re all different but we share a common experience- if that makes any sense. 😊
You are a gem. My 18 y.o. son, too, on the autism spectrum and I often find his questions and vantage point quite refreshing as it is so concrete and “pure.” So thank you for sharing -in your way- so wonderfully. I am finding it SUPER helpful!!!
Thanks for sharing your point of view as it is helpful for me to consider. I guess, I have made it “part of my framework” because I don’t want to piss off men by claiming to speak for them (that seems counterproductive to “helping men”)... but, on the other hand, I am trying to speak for them so I feel like I am in a bind.
Ha! I'm not on Twitter either. ;) I appreciate thoughtful conversations about such difficult topics and differing perspectives. I'm SO excited to learn more here!!
I was JUST told the other day that I had a “All lives matter” energy about me as I spoke about equality. I had never heard that before! Maybe I could ask you guys what’s coming? What are the typical arrows slung? What should I expect?
Thanks for the additional suggestions. Yeah, I think that “warning” is an apt one. I’m not sure Reddit is the place for me, but I have been grateful to learn so much in the past few weeks. 😀
Yes, yes, and yes! Thank you for validating this therapist’s feelings!! 😜 It feels so scary, honestly, to be homeless. I’ve been really shaken to my core and I simply wasn’t prepared.
I have worked hard to become more aware of the challenges men face because; I was a daughter to a stoic, workaholic dad that I yearned to connect with, I went on to date a load of emotionally unavailable men in my 20's & 30's, I am now the mom of 4 boys (& 2 girls) I am also a licensed professional counselor who treats men and feel like they are underserved and really hurting in today's society. So... I am trying to learn more from men and advocating for more women and men to raise their awarene…
koolaid-girl-40, thank you for posing this question! I appreciate the depth and breadth of the conversation, the civility of the back and forth commentary, and the sharing of each person's perspective and knowledge. I think it is very valuable for each of us to look beyond ourselves and understanding the challenges of others. Suffering is universal... and comparing our suffering is not terribly helpful.
As a female therapist, I totally agree with this! Too few men are receiving emotional support for their issues... because of the stigma associated with seeking help, because counseling was actually created by men for women (Is it the best venue for helping men with emotional challenges?), because a man's pain is often projected as anger (and ultimately punished) vs. seen as hurt to be addressed compassionately, some (mostly female) therapists are afraid of or feel threatened by men's expression …
