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SuperConfused40 Archive

View 2 posts and 319 comments by SuperConfused40 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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2

Give it time. Sounds like everything is still fresh.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/25 02:17 PM
1

The custody agreement should address medical and religious responsibilities. Often, you can do whatever you want for religion when you have custody, but it doesn't mean she needs to bring the kid during her time. Normally, it's not an issue, but it can be for major events (first communion, confirmation, etc). Best to get in writing major religious services the child needs to be able to attend.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/25 03:51 AM
1

Probably not, but he asked what he could do to save his marriage. I am saying this book is a good guide. Worst case, he learns about himself.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/25 06:46 PM
-5

Get the book: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert It discusses how to view your relationship and how you and your wife can change to make your relationship work. It's true that it takes both of you to make the relationship work, but it's a great guide to save a relationship if you both want it.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/25 05:17 PM
3

Emotional intelligence
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 05:05 PM
2

Yeah, and when i told her that was hurtful and insulting, she said it wasn't an insult because that's how she felt and feelings can't be wrong.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/24 07:15 PM
11

Hahahaha....imagine something and it will be worse for most people here. "I'm glad we have daughters that way your family name will end."
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/24 04:24 PM
2

Also be careful she doesn't go the silver bullet divorce route (look it up, extreme false allegations) so protect yourself from that.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 02:38 AM
2

All of this. Get proof because this is not safe for your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 11:10 PM
7

And women wonder why men don't open up emotionally. We have all been there. It's frustrating. Break up and move on.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/24 02:33 PM
1

You need to figure yourself out. I recommend two books: "No more mr nice guy" to figure yourself out, and "the seven principles for making marriage work" for your relationship. If you both want your marriage to work, the second book will help you learn why you're resentful/ contempt and how you both can strengthen your marriage. You must both be willing to listen and change. Good luck. If you can save your marriage, try.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/24 04:02 AM
2

Changing the sound to a turkey gobble is a life goal we should all strive for 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 05:19 PM
1

Yes, that is extremely disrespectful. Read up on silver bullet and DARVO. Sounds like she is detaching (if not already). TALK TO A LAWYER!!!
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/24 05:16 PM
6

Or read the book, "the seven principles for making marriage work" by John Gottman. Of course, it only works if both people want it to work, which doesn't apply to most people in this group.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 04:55 AM
1

SILVER BULLET- look it up. Sorry.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 04:41 PM
4

Bud, she already left you. She has no respect for you or your relationship. How could you ever trust her again? GET A LAWYER, and leave based on lawyer advice.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 01:41 PM
3

Read the book, "the seven principles for making marriage work" by John Gottman and look at how you argue with her as it can show if you love eachother or are building contempt for eachother that will lead to divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 02:48 PM
2

In fairness, the book goes over a lot of different scenarios and root causes of why you act the way you do, including adultery and cereal cheating. But I get the point you are making. Cheers to being a loveable asshole.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/24 03:11 AM
2

Reading the book, "no more mr nice guy" will also help.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 01:18 PM
0

I don't recommend it, but I have heard people do it to launder money.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 03:50 AM
3

Firearms and ammo. Gambling. 3d printer with an insane amount of filament Buy gift cards when you go grocery shopping.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 09:16 PM
4

Coronado is beautiful. I enjoyed the Mission Beach area. There are lots of vrbo rentals on the water there (condos). I recommend something beach facing so you can enjoy hearing the ocean at nighttime. I felt there was more to do around there, like renting a bike to ride along the ocean.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/24 10:20 PM
2

Re: babysitting - you have the right to say no. Don't feel guilty. I have told my ex I won't babysit in those situations. Read the book: when I say no, I feel guilty" to help with this. Read: "No more mr nice guy" to help you understand what YOU want and why. it's a rollercoaster. Stay strong.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 03:22 PM
6

What do YOU want? That is all you should focus on. Personally, I would never move away from my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 12:14 PM
3

Going full nuclear is one option. It's not healthy or recommended if it can be avoided. If you choose this path, wait till the divorce is final and then use some general statements: As an update to everyone asking, yes my divorce is finalized, and yes it is due to my ex committing infidelity. [No reason to provide details]
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 02:54 PM
1

Sorry to hear this. You should get 50/50, or at least more time than that. I know it can be tough with their school and work whatnot.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 02:02 AM
4

We don't go in circles...it's a downward spiral
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 02:08 AM
3

SILVER BULLET - perfectly detailed in all its horror. Sorry you went through that.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 07:32 PM
2

Talk to a lawyer to get this started
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/24 04:49 PM
5

Don't threaten your kid like that. Odds are, she is being manipulated. All you can do is try and spend time with her so she knows that she is loved and cared for, and not to believe everything she hears about you.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 02:31 PM
14

SILVER BULLET - look it up. She will bait you into "abusing her" so she can destroy your life. Don't fall for it. Be strong (emotionally)
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 02:18 PM
4

It's a rollercoaster. Take it a day at a time and be strong.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 07:05 PM
2

I gave my ex 60% so she would go away and make the process quick. It was worth the investment to me. It also calmed her down significantly and made parenting our kids easier.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 02:29 AM
2

Don't worry. We have all fallen for it multiple times.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 12:20 AM
2

IT'S A TRAP!!!
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 08:07 PM
1

You also need to figure your shit out. Stop drinking. Stop blaming her and focus on how you can be a better person and partner. Read the book, "no more mr nice guy". It will help you figure out what you want and who you are.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 03:13 PM
1

More like be prepared for the world's shittiest advice. Acknowledge it so people feel helpful and move on. Do what your lawyer recommends.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 03:30 AM
1

Sorry, man. That sucks when you agree to something, and they ignore it. You should tell her to think about the kids. I don't think people realize how confused and hurt they are to begin with just to have another adult thrown into their lives. Of course, she may think it's good for them bc of delusions. Sigh.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/24 04:07 AM
6

How long has she been seeing them? I don't want some short-term guy meeting my kids. She needs to be dating him for at least 6 months. Think of the impact this has on the kids...why is every woman in such a rush to introduce their kids. My ex wanted to fly a guy in and have him stay with her the week she had our kids. I said flat no. She had never met him in person before but talked to him online for a few months. That is ridiculous imo. I get the feeling hurt of her moving on, but it's a blessi…
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 11:00 PM
3

Read the book, "no more mr nice guy" and figure your shit out. It's over. Move on. Never talk to her again unless it's about kids.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 03:37 PM
4

Divorce is frustrating. I paid mine more to get rid of her and finish the divorce quick(er). It was worth it for my piece of mind. It reduced my mental health costs by more 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 03:35 PM
4

Get out. Avoid contact. You need to move on, also. I know it's a rollercoaster of emotions and easier said than done. Read the book, "no more mr nice guy" to help you move on and understand yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/24 07:41 PM
4

Figure your shit out before blowing your marriage up. Read the book, "no more mr nice guy" to help you understand why you feel this way and what you can do to start enjoying life instead of being angry and resentful.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/24 02:18 PM
4

Read the book, "No more Mr.Nice guy" to try and figure your shit out. It will help you understand yourself and the decision of if you want to be divorced or not. It saved my buddies marriage, and I wish I read it before my divorce. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/24 04:36 AM
2

Nice. I found it useful to read through it once, then do the applicable exercises on the second time through. Not all parts/exercises will apply to you, so feel free to focus on your situation.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/24 09:20 PM
2

Also, read the book, "No more mr nice guy" before the divorce, as it will help you figure your shit out.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 03:37 PM
4

Read the book, "no more mr nice guy" before making a decision. It will help you understand yourself better.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 04:11 AM
11

Sounds like she wants those husband benefits. Too bad she is going through EXACTLY what you went through. The irony of her not seeing that is amazing. You don't owe her anything. Be polite but focus only on the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 08:01 PM
1

She will also qualify for more alimony / your assets. If this came out of nowhere (there is a lot of context missing on what initiated this), then she likely found someone else. Sorry.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 02:09 PM
14

How you can feel anything other than extreme anger is beyond me. She cheated and left you for another man. If that doesn't kill all emotions you have for her I don't know what will. Read the book, "no more mr nice guy" to figure your shit out.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 04:57 AM
5

As the great HHH said, "Even a 747 looks small when landing in the grand canyon"
/r/MensRights09/08/24 01:55 PM
3

Grey rock her. She is trying to bait you into doing something stupid. This is a rollercoaster we have all been on. It's rough in the moment, but you appreciate life afterward.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 12:45 PM
1

Sarcasm...as in you ONLY listed 15 different reasons...like you need more reasons.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 11:30 PM
0

Those are rookie numbers 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 09:15 PM
1

Be Stoic - Check out the daily stoic for quotes and thought processes on how to achieve this.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 04:30 AM
3

You need to work on yourself. Find a hobby or three. Focus on yourself and things you enjoy (within reason). It might grow your relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 06:38 PM
3

No. She was always insane. I choose to ignore it and tolerate it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 06:27 PM
2

TALK TO A LAWYER!!!
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 07:14 PM
8

If she smokes Vegitarian/vegan Mental health issues Edit - spacing
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 04:49 PM
5

Wow...she's so EMPOWERED 😞 /s
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 02:29 PM
1

Yeah, anything my family says I do the opposite 🙃
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/24 09:58 PM
1

Dr Robert Glover. It should be the first one on Amazon.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 02:15 PM
6

Read the book, "no more mr nice guy". In addition to therapy it will help you understand yourself and what YOU want. "When I say no, I feel guilty" may be another good book for you.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 06:16 PM
16

It also makes it easier to move on and get over her. Fyi- all women go through a hoe phase after marriage to empower themselves and prove that they still have value.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 06:35 PM
3

The proper term is land whale 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 03:40 AM
1

Same. Works great for our schedules but not always possible. The 2-2-5-5 looks good, you just have to detail the person getting the kids must pick up (prevents fights when late)
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/24 09:46 PM
4

It was disheartening how many "friends" said to let them know what I needed and then disappeared into the abyss. Like I knew how to handle that shitstorm. On the flip side, I have much stronger friendships with others now. REMINDER: Dont forget to reach out to your friends, too. It's not a one-way street (when you're in a better place)
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/24 09:42 PM
2

It's a rollercoaster. Talk to lawyer and prep. But more importantly, focus on improving yourself. Start working our and reading books to grow. I recommend, "No more mr nice guy". Learn why you are the way you are. Start doing things you enjoy. Pick up hobbies. Who knows, she may change by proxy.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 01:55 PM
2

Hinge and the league are probably your best bets, in addition to Bumble. First, you need to understand what you want: hookups, casual dating to see where it goes, or serious relationships. At 40, most women either want marriage and kids or are getting divorced. Both have a lot of potential red flags. IMO, the challenge you will have is finding someone in a similar weight category as you (not obese)
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 12:41 PM
1

Sounds like my ex wife....aka the land whale 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 05:21 PM
3

Can't argue with math
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 05:11 PM
1

Isn't that one of the stupid tick tock trends? The woman cancels the day of your scheduled date to see if the guy will "fight" for her? As a man, you should just say, okay, and nothing else as she has shown her colors. If she tries to schedule another time, you can consider it.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 02:39 PM
3

She is no longer eligible to husband benefits
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 05:39 PM
3

Great write-up. Thank you! Pickup is amazing advice.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 06:27 PM
1

Share it with the world. I tell everyone bc it is helpful for beginning bakers as their recipes are straightforward and good.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/24 09:43 PM
4

Read the book: no more mr nice guy. It will help you understand why you are who you are and what you want. It should help with some of your anger and take owness of your actions that let her take advantage of you.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/24 04:51 PM
1

https://sallysbakingaddiction.com/ This place has great recipes for everything. I highly recommend this site.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/24 04:40 PM
1

Baking. I have a recipe book of all my creations that i am building. I bring cookies to all social activities and everyone loves them.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/24 04:08 PM
4

Sounds like OP would benefit from reading the book, "no more mr nice guy" to help him understand who he is and what he wants. I think there are a lot of covert contracts in the relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 04:45 PM
1

Isn't there a formula in IL for both alimony and child support? That should tell you what you will owe. If you will get a new job relatively soon, it may not be worth it, but if you're not confident you can get a new job in a few months, it sounds necessary.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/24 10:48 PM
1

It takes time. Do the work and stay strong. We are all rooting for you.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/24 02:52 AM
2

I don't recommend the side piece philosophy, but I would tell her some of those husband benefits age going to disappear if some serious changes aren't made.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 09:08 PM
17

It's not cheating...she's just a whore. Mine did the same thing. It's part of their playbook...they want to prove they are attractive and valuable and don't realize guys will stick their dick in anything. Then they feel shitty and guilty and want to crawl back with no change to themselves or interest in being a better person. It's over. Take time to heal and move on without her.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 06:54 PM
1

Smooth now, but what happens when one of you starts dating or marry someone with kids or you have more kids. You need everything in writing as part of the divorce, even if there is an informal agreement. It protects you both. Get assistance of some kind to get through the process. Mediator, lawyer, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 10:00 PM
1

Read the books, "no more mr nice guy" and "when I say no, I feel guilty". They will help you understand who you are, why you are that way, what you want, and how to stand up for yourself. We have all been there. Grey rock her. I wouldn't leave the house until a lawyer gave me advice. Not sure if it matters if the kids are all adults.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/24 10:20 PM
0

Crush puss
/r/MensRights05/06/24 08:08 PM
1

When your couples counselor and therapist tell you to get divorced, they might be onto something.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 08:03 PM
3

She's beautiful like Lizzo 🤣 Flip the script, and the guy would be forced to pay child support and be labeled an AH if he didn't want the kid, but she did.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 07:55 PM
2

All good. I use OneNote on my phone. I assume she doesn't have access to your phone. I have a page that is an infinite word vomit by the date I'm writing. It helps me process everything and see trends. Plus, you can go back and see what you wrote down at the time to prevent getting gaslit.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 07:46 PM
2

Thanks. The list is a result of reviewing my journal and putting common themes together. It let's me process and understand her actions and how I should respond to them (e.g. is this a made-up issue or a real one).
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 05:30 PM
1

It helps you understand why you are the way you are. What kind of covert contracts you make (e.g. if I pay for dinner, she should have sex with me even though we didn't discuss this, and it's not realistic in reality), and helps you figure out what YOU want.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 02:26 AM
2

SHOW HIM YOUR WAR FACE!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 02:23 AM
2

No more mr nice guy is a game changer. I also journal, but only when stressful events happen, which is a few times a week. It helps process my emotions and understand what I want and what is reality vs projection.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 02:23 AM
2

Yeah. That age hits them hard. I'm going through it now. My ex is a completely different person...exact opposite of who she was. I have created a list of every time she is a hypocrite...its long
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/24 04:36 PM
2

Soooo....its spite?
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/24 12:54 AM
5

Divorce lawyers tell people whatever they want to hear because it means they make more $$$ with the legal fight that they cause. You need to grey rock her. She is no longer entitled to husband benefits. MOVE ON!!! Don't die on your sword. You have rights, use them. 50/50 kids, and no relationship beyond that. Split all debt and assets. Hopefully there is an alimony/child support calculator to make the finances easy. Edit: read the book: "NO MORE MR NICE GUY" to help you understand who you are, w…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/24 05:03 PM
3

Journaling - Write out all those intrusive thoughts. After enough word vomit, you either feel like you let it out, or can read through it to help you process your emotions. Ultimately, time is what you need. Good luck. We know the struggle.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/24 04:35 PM
3

Over 200 lbs lighter 🤣🤣🤣
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/24 05:27 PM
1

And I thought mine was a land whale...
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/24 12:05 AM
2

Trust me, I get it. I recently went through my journaling notes and created a very long list of how my ex was hypocritical. The reminder of how psycho she is helped me move on.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/24 09:19 PM
1

Also, it's the man's fault! How dare you not support insanity.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/24 09:02 PM
1

Wow... I thought they capped it at 5 years for alimony (maintenance).
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/24 04:39 PM
2

Depends on the state you live in, but if your income is greater than your spouses, the child support is for the kids to have the same quality of life. I'm not saying this always makes sense, but it is what it is.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/24 04:38 PM
2

Listen to your lawyer. 6 months deployed but she decides this when you are back. You monster. /s She will try and bait you to raise your voice or get angry. Don't bite. Grey rock. Ignore all the accusations. And record yourself if possible and say her full name. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/24 03:17 PM
5

She cheated and didn't even try to hide it. Your marriage has been over for a long time, you just didn't know it. Get a lawyer and divorce. Sorry, it's a horrible roller coaster to be on.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/24 10:21 PM
1

You are hurting and angry. You need support. Read the book, "no more mr nice guy." It will help you understand yourself and what YOU want.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/24 03:47 AM
4

Grey rock / minimize exposure to her. Only communicate with her electronically (text/email) Drop off/pick ups: Only discuss specific kids related things. Grey rock everything else. 3a. If she starts with comments, pull your phone out and say that you will record this conversation. This will piss her off, but generally stop the insults bc she doesn't want evidence of her being an asshole. After this happens a few times, she should back off with the insults. Note, there is a small chance she goes …
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/24 02:48 PM
1

You monster! /s
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/24 02:18 PM
2

Soooo...what I'm hearing is it's all your fault, too? In seriousness, I went through this. Mine had extreme anxiety, wanted to be liked by everyone, internalized everything, made up scenarios in her head, and punished me mercifully as a result. Hopefully, yours will get counseling or have a desire to change or take meds. Couples counseling helped ME realize it was time to split bc she wouldn't try anymore. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/24 10:57 AM
5

I recently read my journal/therapy notes from when I pulled the plug. I can't believe how much verbal abuse I took from her and the level of anxiety and anger that woman possessed. I would have had a nervous breakdown if I didn't file when I did.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/24 10:06 PM
1

I understand exactly what you are going through. You need to be comfortable being uncomfortable. Just try stuff to get out of the house. My philosophy is if I sign up or schedule to do something, then I'll attend it. Try new stuff. Look at your local park district or library for activities, like dodgeball or pickleball. Try other random stuff. I did a swing dance class. I did art classes even though I'm the opposite of an artist. Go out with the intention of having fun and doing things you want.…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/24 04:33 PM
2

It's tough, but kids are resilient. I have heard my 8yo in her room crying a few times. All I can do is be a good dad and support her and talk to her.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 09:27 PM
3

Prevent the divorce from going nuclear if possible.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 09:24 PM
3

Get an apartment or some other living arrangements. It's a brutal rollercoaster of emotions that you will go through, but figuring out a living situation will make things better. Cohabitation is a horrible experience in your situation. Also, reat the book, "No more mr nice guy". It will help you figure out who you are, what YOU want, and why you act the way you do.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 01:20 AM
3

Read the book: "No more Mr nice guy" It will help you deal with your emotions by looking at why you are emotionally dismissive, figure out what YOU want, and understand covert contracts. Everyone in this group should read this book.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/24 05:23 PM
1

Please read that book!!!
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 10:46 PM
4

Read the book, "no more mr nice guy". You need to figure out what you want. It's a rollercoaster. Take at least a year before you start dating again. Focus only on yourself and healing, starting hobbies you enjoy or just try new stuff. Stay strong.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 01:43 PM
0

Yes. You have to figure out what you want from it though. Physical connection? Emotional? Distraction? Etc. If you have never been in a relationship that may say more about you than women.
/r/MensRights13/05/24 08:15 PM
4

You have failed successfully!!!
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/24 05:25 PM
1

I saw a meme that said, "she's a queen alright," with a picture of a guillotine. Subtext says :::crowd cheers wildly::: I picture it every time a woman says she's any sort of royalty.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/24 08:54 PM
4

OP needs to read the book: No more Mr nice guy. It will help you put a lot of things in perspective.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/24 09:45 PM
1

For me, it's trust. I don't trust most friends or family for me to be truly honest with them. Reasons vary from not understanding what im going through to being neutral friends with my ex. Get one or two people who can actually support you. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/24 07:52 PM
1

Also, op should read, "No more mr nice guy".
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/24 05:34 PM
10

50/50 custody will help through high school. Just be actively engaged in their lives and do NOT bring around women you are dating or "new friends" unless it's serious. Make sure they are your focus.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/24 12:06 PM
5

Congrats on surviving the rollercoaster!!!
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/24 06:56 PM
1

Feel better, and good luck. I strongly recommend reading the book, "No more mr nice guy". It could have saved my marriage and did save a friend's. It's about rediscovering yourself, understanding covert contracts, and being direct.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/24 03:29 AM
1

Im curious, why do you want her if she doesn't want you? Sounds like you can use individual counseling to understand why you want this relationship, and couples (if she will) to understand what is broken and if it can be fixed. Get her something small, like a card and maybe a rose to show her you still care, even though she doesnt deserve it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/24 02:59 AM
7

WHAT DO YOU WANT??? If you want to be married, get her something and try and make it work. If you don't, tell her you want a divorce and get it over with.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/24 10:31 PM
5

Firle a police report and get camera footage of parking lot. Sounds like a felony to me.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/24 07:53 PM
1

Thanks. Agreed. I think for me, I was re-triggered when I realized she changed in all the ways I wanted her to. Suddenly, she couldn't blame me for everything and started being accountable. Fucking frustrating. My buddy had a great line: "Oh, she's a queen all right...in that there would be a lot of cheering if she were beheaded."
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/24 02:36 PM
12

Don't care. Move on.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/24 02:30 PM
1

Haha... Brutal. After I told my ex I wanted a divorce, she screamed at me because I DIDNT cheat on her, and now people wouldn't be sympathetic to her. I get the 'white men' comments, too. It's amazing how that's not racist.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/24 12:01 AM
1

How long does divorce depression last? I am a year out and feel this post (as a lot of us do). What helps me is journaling. I just write whatever I'm thinking (word vomit), then after I can read it and see the root of issues and get breakthroughs on my feelings. For example, I just wrote a list of times my ex has been a hypocrite. It helped me understand that she is not the same person, what she did to destroy our marriage, and why i will never forgive her. As for hobbies, just try stuff. I have…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/24 09:25 PM
2

Clearly, we have the same ex. Is yours also a victim of everything???
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/24 08:52 PM
2

Stay strong, brother. My kid wanted a $5 greeting card she saw at the store. It's $10 more than my ex deserves, but in my situation, I couldn't tell my kid no.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/24 08:50 PM
2

If she's anything like my ex, everything will be your fault, and she's the victim. Mine yelled at me for NOT cheating on her because then people won't be sympathetic to her and hate me. Sigh.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/24 02:43 AM
1

Walking outside, therapy, gardening, journaling.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/24 01:51 AM
3

Why is everyone so secretive when major issues happen? You agreed on a boundary, and she broke it. Welcome to the club. She doesn't respect you. Sorry, but it's time to move on bc your relationship is over.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/24 01:49 AM
1

What kind of boundaries do you set? How do you separate physical intimacy from potential emotions?
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/24 05:40 PM
2

Clearly, she is for the streets. OP, sorry you are going through this, but it's been over for a while. She has no respect for you and never will.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 05:55 PM
7

It's been 1 year since split for me, 40yo. I have started casually seeing an old friend who I hooked up with a few times before I met my stbxw. She reached out and is crazy attractive and we vibe amazing together. She just wants to be casual, which I'm not sure how to do. It's challenging bc it's great spending time with her as a friend, but becomes complicated for me to separate the physical intimacy from what she wants (and is best for me) of being casual, knowing she can date other people. It…
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/24 01:51 PM
1

I have 50/50. It helps that I work from home and have a flexible schedule. My 2 kids are in elementary school. My ex never fought me on this, only finances.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/24 11:45 AM
1

Thanks. I'm in a strange spot, hooking up with a friend, which is fun, but strange knowing she can date other people if she wants, as she is very attractive and can easily find company. Definitely my insecurities as I don't want to be exclusive either, but also don't want to be intimate with anyone else.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 04:51 PM
2

How do you change your mindset from a serious relationship to casual dating and sleeping around?
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 04:39 PM
4

Ryan Long (comedian) has a funny video on YouTube about this. The woman saying she only dates these amazing men with these characteristics, then her boyfriend is a homeless drug dealer 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 04:37 PM
3

Or screenshot it and then text her asking how life is going
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 04:13 PM
5

Journaling- just writing free flow of thoughts helps me process what I want and why I feel the way I do, and if they are valid/reasonable. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 05:51 PM
3

"No more mr nice guy" is essential reading. Talk about loneliness, and lack of emotional support men get.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/24 07:03 PM
4

Get a lawyer and file asap. Check online for alimony calculator for your state. It will suck, but it's best to take the hit asap. Make sure she does not have access to move all the joint money to accounts in her name only. Aka, prevent theft. Hope you didn't comingle your pre-marriage money, as then she will be entitled to half of it. I plan on creating a trust for all my assets after my divorce finalizes so if something happens my kids will be taken care of, and if I am ever in a serious relati…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/24 02:22 PM
5

Read "no more mr nice guy". Figure out your covert contracts and why you act the way you do, then change your approach. Sounds like you can save your marriage if you change and improve communication/expectations. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/24 04:07 PM
5

"Bad fights" is a moving target when you become numb to getting screamed at for hours every day and her telling me for the last 5 years that she resents me. So yes, lots of them.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/24 02:35 PM
14

You get to see a woman's true character if they try and baby trap you. Either with a pregnancy scare, or if they are cheating and get pregnant. Also, there is less risk of issues if you stick your dick in crazy.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 12:53 PM
5

I know that feeling. I just said no for the first time because I had plans that night. She was pissed because she wanted to go to a bar with friends and I was stopping her. Sigh.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 12:50 PM
5

I feel the same way about women that are vegitarian/vegan. Sure, ill date you for a bit cause your hot, but it's a bigger red flag than being an unemployed felon.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/24 02:55 PM
4

Read, "no more mr nice guy" and learn about covert contracts and your growing up that lead you to be this way. Helps with healing and learning how to ask, what do I want? So you can focus on your happiness.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/24 04:43 PM
2

I ended it because she pushed me out of the metaphorical door. The couples counselor and individual therapist both told me to end it and move on as it was a very unhealthy relationship, and she was getting worse. I found out after that she wanted me to end it so she could be the victim. Common friends were still more supportive to her even though they were mostly neutral. Probably her just being an energy vampire to them. My buddies didn't know how to respond either, just said we thought it work…
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/24 04:38 PM
2

In my case, my ex was mad I didn't cheat on her bc then people wouldn't be mad at me. She screamed at me multiple times about this. We are in a no-fault state, so it wouldn't matter for settlement. For reference, I have some insecurities about people assuming this based on things I saw growing up and being around man-hating women....I mean "feminist"
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/24 02:52 PM
2

Short answer: a lot/most. Sometimes directly, other times indirectly. There is an assumption that the man is guilty of infidelity or abuse. And when there is none, and she can't blame him for that (because women all need to be victims), then they find something else to blame you, such as being gay... because why would he leave a woman that treats him horribly? In my scenario, I am 40 with a full head of hair, no gut, I wear fitted clothes, and am not aggressive. Therefore, the only conclusion is…
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/24 02:43 PM
1

Loneliness/ lack of support Judgment - how many times are women asked if they cheated, were abusive, or are gay?
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/24 12:15 PM
2

The common response is to wait a year from separation to grieve the death of your marriage (even if it has been over a long time) and heal your other wounds and work on yourself. I did this, and it was probably still too soon. i have 50/50 kids custody, so there is plenty of downtime to hang out with friends and family, work on myself, or date. There are some people that just want to fool around and go out right away; I'm not sure how they grow emotionally from that, but they do it anyway. Ultim…
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/24 04:40 AM
2

I just gave no more mr nice guy to a buddy going through a rough time and it saved his marriage. I wish I had that book before my divorce, too.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/24 01:50 PM
19

Hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahah NO. 40yo, married over 10 years. 2 kids. 5+ years of her telling me she resents me, and I finally had enough. No infidelity. She is angry that she can't play the victim and everyone likes me instead of her. She has admitted she will never be able to upgrade. I immediately upgraded as anything is better than an angry land whale. Edit, she is all alone and miserable and calls whining when I have the kids (50/50) that…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/24 10:13 PM
3

Get a lawyer and know your rights. Are there child support formulas there? That takes all guesswork out of determining what is fair. I would never agree to 100% kid school. She wants to be a parent also, she can contribute. If you want to go the 55/45, fine, but I would talk to a lawyer first to understand if there is a standard and if that's reasonable (doesn't sound it to me). Also, know that lawyers want to you to fight and will antagonize you; don't let them. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/24 07:54 PM
6

Glad she narrowed the problem down to you. That is a common thing here.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/24 06:46 PM
1

And read the book "no more mr nice guy" to rediscover your masculinity.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/24 05:22 PM
2

If you can do arbitration instead of attorneys, it will save a lot of money. It helps if you are in a state that has formulas for child support, alimony, etc. So you can divide all finances according to that instead of her emotions. Good luck with the rollercoaster ride we have all been on.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/24 03:29 PM
5

Haha...my ex just called me to tell me she didn't realize how much I did and to ask how to do stuff. I told her to search YouTube and good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/24 04:57 AM
1

It takes a bit, but I love not living with a troll anymore. Having a cat helped, too. He's the best!
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/24 02:39 PM
12

Read "No more mr nice guy" by robert Glover Learn to separate paragraphs :) Stay strong.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 08:38 PM
6

Stay strong, brother. Go for a run or hit the gym.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 02:57 PM
5

Forgive? No. Move on? Yes. She will never be accountable for her actions. My ex screamed at me because I DIDNT cheat on her because then her family would know she was at fault. I don't view it as a blame game, but lots of other people do. I'm still hurt, but we all need to move on regardless.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 02:56 PM
13

It doesn't matter if she likes men or women. The big picture is that she doesn't like you, and you need to move on. There is no closure by answering that question. You need to grieve. You probably need grief counseling for the death of your marriage. I understand the hurt of having to move on. For me, knowing that my ex immediately started dating helped me move on, even though it was very painful to go through.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 02:41 PM
4

Read the book, "No more mr nice guy". It will help you find your masculinity and establish boundaries, like not allowing yourself to be a victim of domestic violence. Divorce is a scary rollercoaster, and based on what you said, you should divorce. You're potentially having an emotional affair and clearly don't get along with your spouse. Move on.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/24 03:08 PM
5

My favorite was not counting any yard work. Oh, 2+ hours a week on taking care of the lawn and landscaping? Just me relaxing...comically stupid logic.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/24 03:49 PM
6

Divorce is a rollercoaster. It is a long ride, unfortunately. You have to take it one hill at a time. You will be in a better place at the end of the ride. Trust me, no relationship is better than a bad one. You don't need to start over. Just focus on your kids and be a good role model and father. You will have time to focus on yourself. What you enjoy or want to try. Stay strong
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/24 03:44 PM
7

I just looked up that 304 = hoe. Thanks for teaching me this gift of slang.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/24 09:08 PM
2

He got a young macaroon 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/24 06:48 PM
2

Congratulations on surviving on the rollercoaster ride of divorce!
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/24 04:23 PM
9

Modern problems require modern solutions
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/24 11:00 PM
2

I would ask a few different lawyers (free initial consult) of what the law would say about splitting assets and maintenance (spousal support) requirements in your state. I would then propose to ex what you think is fair division and why. If she disagrees, tell her you will file, prefer mediation, but will go the lawyer route if she wants to be difficult. Good luck. Your life will be better in the end, but it's a rough Rollercoaster to be on.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/24 03:48 PM
1

Read the book, "no more mr nice guy". It talks about this and how to overcome it (imo)
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/24 12:47 AM
9

Grey Rock her. Only respond or talk about coparenting. Read no more mr nice guy.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/24 12:41 AM
4

Yes, about a year after separation and then a week after. Physical for me, but she then told me she wants to try dating again and reconcile, as if that would go anywhere. I don't regret it, but definitely not smart.
/r/Divorce_Men29/02/24 02:08 AM
3

It's a brutal roller coaster, but you will be better in the end. Stay strong.
/r/Divorce_Men29/02/24 01:17 AM
4

Read "no more mr nice guy" and figure out what YOU want. Take control of your life.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/24 07:44 PM
3

Good friend of mine - his parents had a nuclear divorce in the 90s and have never directly spoken to each other since, including attending major kid events (graduation and weddings). 30 years later and his parents finally stopped talking shit about the other and are over each other, despite both remarried a long time ago. Huge family rifts as a result.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/24 05:19 AM
8

Read "no more mr nice guy". She is walking over you. Sorry, but you need to move on.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/24 08:27 PM
5

It's been 1 year since divorce. No partying or new relationships... just focusing on my mental health and my kids (50% custody). In fairness, I do feel like my life has fucked me hard and frequently. I also have a short fuse. I attended several work functions with many attractive women, and I would rather talk to the troll in the corner because she had a personality.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/24 05:18 AM
6

My cat. Playing and spending time with him. He is the best. Baking. Mostly cookies of every variety. My family and friends love it.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/24 05:02 AM
0

It helped me grow and see other problems with myself and her. Develop skills like setting boundaries and how to handle difficult conversations. Also, for my kids sake I know that I tried. Edit: read the book no more mr nice guy. There is a reason you see that referenced a lot in this group.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 06:05 PM
4

Read the book, "No more Mr nice guy". Become the man we all should be. Sounds like you have a dismissive personality and she has an aggressive/anxious one. I was in the same situation. My marriage failed, but glad we tried counseling before ending the marriage. We both grew, but the divide was too big.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 04:56 PM
1

Thanks. What happens if her father is around the kids unsupervised supervised, per your decree?
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/24 07:55 PM
1

I think my problem is I don't truly understand the legal implications if I leave it in. I won't speak to my lawyer about it until my ex provides updated paperwork.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/24 07:52 PM
1

Read no more mr nice guy. Apply it to your life.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/24 12:50 AM
2

Or at least electronic so there is a record
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 07:09 PM
2

I view my ex like a coworker that I have to tolerate. I will be professional and polite, but that's it, and only for the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 03:21 PM
2

Her parents still like me. We only see each other if I'm picking the kids up from their place. They are friendly to me, argue with my ex all the time (unrelated to me), and won't let her say anything negative about me because I'm a great father to our children. It helps that there was no infidelity, and they saw how she yelled at me all the time. Mutual friends: we have a large group of mutual friends from college. They are all neutral and won't talk about the other. They have good intentions an…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/24 05:24 PM
1

Mine did something similar. She drove me away with verbal abuse. I finally told her I wanted a divorce. She was pissed I didn't cheat on her because then people won't side with her. Her parents still like me. Haha.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/24 04:55 AM
3

I initiated. During couples counseling, I learned my love language is not getting screamed at. When the counselor tells you to get out, there is a problem. It was high conflict initially, but 50/50 kids and I gave up extra cash to get it over quick (60/40). It's worth it to move on. Also, I thought it would benefit my kids having a nuclear family, but realized I was not showing them a healthy relationship. Also, they didn't deserve to be screamed at that much.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/24 04:32 AM
2

Try to avoid it going nuclear. My opinion is, if you can divide everything in advance of mediation, do it. My situation is a little different, but we sold our house and split all personal property. We are in the process of dividing our finances even though the divorce is not over. Why wait if we are in agreement and our lawyers are actively trying to stall and have us fight. Go mediation route if possible.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/24 09:40 PM
2

Sounds like you have your answer. Even if it's amicable, it's still a roller-coaster, so don't rule out individual counseling or other support.
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/24 10:13 PM
7

Bro, we all went through this. You narrowed it down to everyone in this group. LOL
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/24 01:28 AM
3

Same here. Now, maybe I'll be able to show my kids what a healthy relationship looks like someday.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/24 08:23 PM
13

That sounds like an emotional affair. The real question is, how do YOU feel about that relationship?
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 04:59 PM
4

Cheers! I'm looking forward to 2024 because there is no way it can be worse than 2023 for me. My buddy described my year as 9-11 times covid, and I feel a lot of other people here experienced that pain, also. Onwards and upwards!
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/23 05:53 PM
5

Boundaries. They will never be respected in this toxic of a relationship. I don't know how you could forgive those actions with even worse justifications.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/23 03:39 PM
1

Talk to a lawyer. They will set your expectations.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 10:44 PM
2

Look at child support for what it is, it's for your kids, and limited to their 18th birthday...so try not to get upset about it (may take a bit to accept that because it hurts seeing that much $ going away). Don't be a cheap jerk about it because your kids will see it as you not caring about them. If you want to avoid alimony, I recommend making a very generous initial offer, potentially more than she would get through courts. I would rather the money go to my ex than wasting it on lawyers.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 08:31 PM
4

No, it's still hell. I wanted to avoid it going nuclear at all costs. We both view ourselves as losing. Did a lawyer tell you what to expect for maintenance/child support? $ and duration for each? I'm in a state with a formula, so I'm grateful for that bc it prevents unnecessary fighting.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 07:42 PM
3

No. 60/40 split of our assets. No alimony or child support.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 07:01 PM
14

I initiated divorce after 11 years of marriage and 2 kids. We had a toxic relationship. She is highly anxious and aggressive. I was highly avoiding. She yelled at me a lot and everything was my fault to the point where I was afraid to express any opinion...then she was mad that I wouldn't express any emotions, like she didn't punish me when I did. Example: she had been saying for 5 years that she resents me. I say that hurts my feelings, and she said I can't get hurt by how she feels and I'm wro…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 06:34 PM
3

I paid mine to go away, too. It's worth the hit to get rid of her. You can build it back. Focus on yourself and live a good life.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 03:02 PM
3

Don't respond to anything emotionally related. Those are husband benefits that she no longer gets. Let her feel however she wants, don't let it drain you. Stay silent or acknowledge with an, ok. Take as much time with the kids as she will give you. Be a great dad and enjoy. Be honest to the kids (age appropriate responses, obviously)
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 05:08 AM
1

Swing dance is good, but like he said, you gotta be interested in doing it (does not matter if you have 2 left feet as lomg as you are having fun). it's a fun positive community. You can find places that do a monthly or weekly open session where they do a quick tutorial then have open dance. Pretty wide range of people do it, and most are fit. I was told to stay away from salsa bc it's not as inviting/open. It's probably fine if you are into that.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/23 05:11 AM
2

I'm in the same timeframe as you. I get random waves of "strong feelings." I find journaling helps process them. Generally, just being self-aware and time is what I need. Hope that helps.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/23 02:50 AM
1

I'm glad she identified the problem... you. Can't wait to hear about all those moving targets. Sorry bud, but it sounds over.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/23 12:31 AM
13

Good luck, and let us know how it turns out. I have not gone through this yet, so I can't give any advice other than to keep being a good dad. You are probably more polite than I would be. Tolerance is not acceptance (insert South Park reference here) .
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/23 06:43 PM
1

I guess you can say we are doing well, as I have a Costco card and can afford extra guac. In seriousness, we are using most of our savings that we had accumulated over our lives to start over and will both be comfortable. These homes are a major downgrade from our marital house.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/23 04:33 AM
1

Thanks for the perspective. My kids are past the worst of it and accept and understand that mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore. We sold the marital home. Sorry to hear about yours. These changes, no matter how necessary, can be tough.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/23 04:25 AM
2

As long as the kids don't see or know anything, she can bang everyone under the sun. I would feel bad for the guys.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/23 04:15 AM
2

Thanks. I am surprised it is 50/50 split, which confirms why it is such a difficult decision for me. I am leaning towards trying to buy it if I can get a good deal on it. Worst case I can tell the kids "I tried" but need to keep looking.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/23 04:13 AM
1

Thanks. That's the short answer I have told my family.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/23 04:11 AM
1

I can only afford the home if I got a good deal. Most other homes in the community are going for twice as much as this one. Its less expensive because of the funky layout, being really dated, and super cluttered so it views poorly. I can put in new flooring and paint the walls, and get new blinds to make it comfortable. Eventually I would need more expensive updates, like a new kitchen or new windows, but that is not urgent as they are functional. Thanks for the feedback.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/23 04:10 AM
1

For now, is a good call out. She has been vocal on wanting to move on and find someone else to marry, so that'll get her off my back. I have already removed all "husband benefits" like listening to any emotion she has. I won't even scratch her back. What do you mean stalking charge? I wouldn't go near her house...and she would only drive by to see who's cars are over. I don't think the cops would ever be involved because it could destroy our careers quickly, which as much as she hates me she wou…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/23 04:59 AM
4

Thanks, I am. She gets irritated that they always want to be around a calm person that doesn't scream all the time. Go figure.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/23 04:54 AM
1

Then don't see her. No reason to reopen that elevator door. Problem solved...now you just need to move on.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/23 04:38 AM
3

She treated me horribly. We separated for a month but tried again for the kids. I lasted a year after realizing it was not healthy for our kids to see our toxic relationship. We went to couples counseling and individual. In couples, she refused to make changes and got mad when the counselor called her out. E.g. she is mad I used to look at attractive women in public. When? It happened 15 years ago, but she is still mad about it today. She acknowledged that I changed, and it wasn't egregious to b…
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/23 05:40 PM
2

The quit claim takes away their ownership, but has no impact on the loan, unfortunately.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/23 04:26 PM
1

It's very dependent on the kids. Mine hated the week on week off schedule. Always missed the other parent. At younger ages, like 4, seeing each parent every few days is good for them.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/23 03:07 PM
2

I bet if he called her insecure and provided examples, she would scream at him that she is NOT insecure.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/23 03:04 PM
1

Without reading everything, I will caution you as lawyers tell people what they want to hear. $$$. Not all, but iv seen and experienced enough to be salty.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/23 01:48 PM
2

If you can agree to everything in advance of the mediation, it will be even better/easier. At this point, your son has the decision to stay where he wants. I would offer your ex the idea of having a conversation with your son together so she can express how she feels and wants to see him more. I would consider letting your son know in advance so he doesn't feel blind sided or attacked.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/23 06:59 PM
4

Tell the truth as facts. Don't be mean or vindictive in this honesty. Tell them the fact that she cheated on you and wanted divorce. There is no anger or malice in that statement; no matter how much it hurts you, there is no reason to hide the truth. If friends knew and didn't tell you, drop them. My situation didn't have any infidelity. I told all mutual friends that I could not handle her anxiety and anger. They ALL responded, saying we just thought it worked for you and didn't want to say any…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/23 03:53 PM
1

At 4yo, the 2255 is probably best for the kid. I would recommend that, but the 7 on 7 off is probably best to avoid the high conflict situations if transitions are an issue. It helps when you transition at school/daycare (one parent drops off the other picks up) as it avoids all contact.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/23 04:44 AM
2

In fairness, most people here have been fucked pretty hard. 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/23 04:08 PM
1

Well said.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/23 12:33 AM
1

Have you tried to make it work? Counseling? Journaling? Even if it fails, what's another 6 months to a year of trying to both become better people? You can still change like above.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/23 10:06 PM
1

It's actually emotional intelligence. For example, when my flight is delayed I say, it is what it is, but my ex has enough emotional intelligence to scream at anyone who will listen that she is a victim and how they are all wrong. Or childhood trauma
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/23 06:27 PM
2

I find being dead on the inside helps
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/23 03:59 AM
16

Bet she thinks she is the victim, too.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/23 04:15 PM
2

And that you love them
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/23 01:59 PM
1

ITS A TRAP! All parts of your relationship are over. It takes a long time to mourn and move on. Stay strong.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/23 01:57 PM
3

Counseling Journaling - just write out your thoughts and afterwards read them and they will give you clarity on the root causes and what is true.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 04:30 AM
1

It hurts a lot, but you have to move on. It doesn't matter what she does anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/23 01:10 AM
1

Billionair supermodel
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/23 10:37 PM
2

Bowling league
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/23 06:46 PM
2

Also, lawyers love to tell people whatever they want to hear. Talk to your own lawyer and tell them to pound sand. My ex went part-time right before we split. Got a new full-time job after we split and quit that after 2 weeks and is still part-time. She threatens me whenever she is angry that she wants child support and alimony bc I make more money. She has the same earning potential as me (degree and experience) but chooses not to, so I have consistently told her to pound sand, and I'll see her…
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/23 12:18 PM
6

Mine wanted "equity," which she defined as everything she wanted. She did not appreciate me busting out in laughter every time she made that argument.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/23 06:22 PM
3

I have my kids every weekend and one night a week, too, so I feel your struggle. This is bc of my ex's work schedule. I have a few friends with kids similar ages so we have get togethers. Otherwise, I'll invite my friends without kids over and cook dinner and hang out with them and my kids. There is no option for me to get out now, but I don't mind as the divorce is still fresh, and I'm not dating yet. Not sure what I'll do when I'm ready to get out there.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/23 05:03 AM
2

You need to move on. Maybe counseling or Journaling to understand why you are feeling this way. It's like getting struck by lightening...unexpected and painful...until you realize you are holding a metal rod in a storm.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/23 07:36 PM
1

She is deeply insecure and has an aggressive type personality. There is overlap, but no, I don't think she is a narcissist...just psycho.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/23 12:44 PM
1

I agree with trying therapy first.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/23 12:44 PM
1

MORTAL KOMBAT!!!
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/23 09:53 PM
2

Mine is electronic, on my phone. I have a OneNote page that goes on for infinity. Just put the date and start typing. I prefer using my desktop, but did it on my cell phone only when still living together. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/23 04:04 AM
4

Journaling helps with this. Stream of conscious writing the event, how you feel, what you want, etc. You get a clear picture over time of the big picture and improve your perspective.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/23 06:19 PM
10

Suckers... mine never accused me of being narcissistic. She was upset that I never expressed my emotions, without any sense of irony that she had more than enough for us both, and attacked every emotion I did express (so why bother)
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/23 11:12 PM
1

Counseling can help. Both individual and couples. I assume you have a passive response to conflict (non-responsive, sarcasm, deflecting, etc), and she is aggressive. It can be very difficult if you both don't want to improve your relationship as you need to be direct, and she needs to learn how to explain her feelings in different ways.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/23 05:19 AM
6

They can also be antagonistic to keep the divorce going. Make sure they propose what YOU want.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/23 12:28 PM
1

Imo it doesn't matter. Assume it will all be split 50/50. Might be nice to have a bit higher cash totals.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/23 09:19 PM
1

Know your worth, king. Go slay when ready. Know your worth. :::Excessive sarcasm:::
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/23 04:48 AM
3

Type of person that walks I to a room and screams, "WHY MEEEEEE?!?!?!?"
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/23 06:15 PM
3

I was going to say this. I went through a similar "strong emotions with no logic" with my ex-land whale. Counseling for a year did nothing for us, but glad we tried. Also, try not to promote things going nuclear. I took the philosophy of "what's eating a little more shit" if it prevented things from going nuclear.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/23 06:59 PM
10

Don't let your life revolve around sex.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/23 06:47 PM
1

Who cares. It's over and YOU know the truth. Fyi- My stbxw's father asked if she was "sick in the head". Lol. People can see it, even if they want to be the victim.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 03:52 PM
1

The challenge is preventing things from going nuclear (she sounds like my stbxw- good luck) My philosophy is, what's eating a little more shit until things are finalized...for the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 03:49 PM
2

I was told the analogy: it's like taking a shit and then trying to shove it back up your ass.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 01:26 PM
6

It's the next step. Denial of how horrible your relationship is. Shut her up. I wanted kids. Pick one. - speaking from experience. Clearly, I'm an idiot.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/23 06:44 PM
3

Just try to avoid things going nuclear. Until the divorce is over, what's eating a little more shit. Once close, have fun!
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/23 05:28 PM
1

Just make sure she is not being an energy vampire. Some of the small talk my be helpful for kids (e.g. different shift at work). But grey rock anything emotion based. - speaking from experience, it's not easy to change the dynamic.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/23 05:27 PM
1

Journaling- seeing your feelings on paper can help you understand them. Then talking to people you truly trust (if she hasn't destroyed those relationships yet) for confirmation. She sounds like mine...controlling, angry, insecure, and hostile. Everyone said they thought it worked for us. Nobody should live that way.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/23 12:08 PM
1

Does not matter when you file for divorce, only when the divorce is granted...and it takes MUCH longer than I would like. You can file joint or separated, but the financial hit is worth it for most.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/23 09:21 PM
9

Then, actively trash talks you to the kids, so they don't want to be around you bc "you make mommy sad"
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/23 10:20 PM
1

Potential solution: Does the daycare offer reduced cost if the child is not coming that week? I had multiple daycares charge 50% if we notified them ahead of time that the kids would not be there. If yes, her weeks would be 50% cost and your week 100% where you can use the daycare. Therefore, you would be paying 75%. Might be easier to ask her for the 9% difference or easier to just eat the cost for the year or two. Tldr: use daycare during your week and have kid be on 'vacation' during her week…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/23 07:03 PM
1

Very common. They are angry and full of resentment. My STBXW had to let me know exactly how she felt at all times, in very loud and derogatory terms.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/23 08:01 PM
2

$10-15k in lawyers and gave her 60% to go away. Well worth it to get rid of that energy vampire / land whale.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/23 03:36 PM
3

She is ANGRY!!! She has a short fuse, and any inconvenience will be your fault. I'm not sure if this is to get a restraining order or just releasing pure hate/anger. Mine was the latter. Focus on grey rocking her and your long-term goals. For me, it was when our house would sell and we could move out. Two months of hell makes you appreciate your life afterward.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/23 03:54 PM
2

Mine demanded to be treated like a QUEEN. I asked if that makes me the servant or the jester? How about we treat each other like partners? Lol
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/23 02:20 PM
1

Good for you. Mine still tries to get emotional support when her anxiety is high, which is basically always, and then pissed when I'm not interested.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/23 02:17 PM
1

Sounds like you have a great kid!
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/23 04:29 PM
-9

No. Teach them how to have healthy relationships and communication, not to just run away from commitment.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/23 12:19 PM
6

Get couples counseling, and both need individual counseling to look at individual root issues. If this doesn't work, divorce early is better than later, because it will be inevitable. She is as unhappy as you are.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/23 07:23 PM
3

Journaling your feelings helped me. Helps define feelings, process them, and visualize what's real vs hyper-response garbage (like a kid saying I know there is no monster in the closet even though I'm scared of it)
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/23 04:15 PM
1

Part of negotiating settlement. One parent gets the right to make the school decision (at least for me that was the case). I don't remember what ther specific phrase is called for it. Might need to fight in court and have judge decide if you two can't.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/23 09:36 PM
1

The power of keeping a journal
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/23 01:15 PM
10

Amazing how they remember that but not the 10,000 times you call them beautiful
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/23 01:13 PM
2

I want healthy relationships more than that. Sure, my parents love me but if they don't respect boundaries what good is their love?
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/23 01:10 PM
1

Sounds healthy to me. Knowing what you want, being respectful of others, treating people fairly...not traumatizing your kids more. Be well.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/23 12:42 PM
5

My STBXW wants equity, which she defines as everything, because that's fair (in her delusional mind)
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/23 08:11 PM
2

Teach the kiddos what a healthy relationship looks like. Mine don't need to see mommy screaming at daddy every day for any perceived insult that happens (e.g. you plated the kids dinner but not mine, begin rampage)
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/23 07:35 PM
6

Hopefully she doesn't do what my STBXW does and say she's telling me as 'a friend' like why the f would I want to know that since we are over. She wants emotional support and that's a husband benefit that no longer exists. Tell her if it doesn't involve the kids you don't want to know or care.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/23 05:56 PM
3

At least she didn't immediately turn into a land whale like mine
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/23 11:09 AM
1

Depends on each situation, such as safety. I did for 3 months while we sold our house. I ate an enormous shit sandwich everyday while she worked her rage out on me (more than usual amount). I used the move date as something to focus on. Life was beautiful after that move.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/23 12:44 AM
1

And you will be for a while. We all were. It gets better...eventually. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/23 12:41 AM
1

Great way to guarantee it goes nuclear
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/23 12:39 AM
2

Marriage is fine if you have a healthy relationship with your partner...and she's not the crazy --a not at all jaded and emotionally destroyed man
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 10:21 PM
5

Great biography of my ex!!!!!
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 02:21 PM
2

I was there for the last 6 YEARS of my relationship. Try the counseling, individual, and couples. You need to actually want to change and understand. It's like quitting smoking, you will never quit (get better) if you don't actually want to. If you don't truly understand why this relationship is failing, you are doomed to repeat your negative behaviors.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 02:14 PM
1

I appreciate all your references to 'killing it' and 'doing murders'. You sound like you would be fun to have a few drinks with. Cheers!
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 10:07 PM
9

Keep it up! My STBXW just called me crying that the kids like being with me more than her, and she doesn't know how she will have time with them due to her work hours. LOL. Grey rock, bitch!!!
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 04:29 PM
15

Sounds like a special needs STBXW...lol Keep being awesome, kids need it.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 04:26 PM
4

She wants to be the 'victim' and blame you. Afer my similar situation, mine told me she was mad I didn't cheat on her bc she is not getting sympathy from others.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/23 05:04 PM
4

You need couples counseling. You sound like you wamt to quit your marriage because she has different opinions than you, and you won't compromise. Most of those arguments can be made against you from her perspective, which is why she's not interested in sex. You need compromise and relationship growth. (e.g., alternate vacation activity planning so you can split relaxing and what you like or plans for chore ownership). Sounds like she is unhappy but just chugging along with checking boxes off. I …
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/23 03:51 AM
8

Can't wait to see this guy's picture of his shit
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 06:08 PM
8

Then asks if they are just as beautiful as the day we met
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 05:51 PM
15

Mine went from a mermaid to a land-whale
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 01:14 PM
3

Journaling helps me. Just write (type) what you are thinking in a stream of consciousness then when you read it after you can put things together to better understand yourself. YOU THE MAN!!!!
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 03:46 AM
9

It will get worse as she becomes more angry. :::laughs hysterically from experience:::
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 02:44 AM
1

Focus on long - and short-term goals (e.g. moving out or taking a weekend trip to visit an out of town friend). It can help calm anxiety flare-ups.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/23 03:03 AM
5

Take your time. If your not ready Don't do it.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/23 12:16 AM
1

Respond with tears of joy to spite and confuse her
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/23 12:15 AM
3

It's horrific. Everyday is a nightmare, but needed for the kids. Take it day by day and focus on long and short term goals. You ate shit for this long, what's a bit more (especially if she is angry like my ex-land whale). Avoiding and personal space is helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/23 07:16 PM
2

Look at it as a learning experience. I liked these things, didn't like others, and don't care about other stuff. Glad to hear you moved on from the carbon copy, because that will have the same problems.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/23 05:13 PM
5

I am a number 1 dad, according to multiple t-shirts I wear when I pick my kids up. Guess I need to start wearing them on dates so they know I'm #1 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/23 04:42 PM
2

My sarcasm says to just lower your standards, but in seriousness be realistic and put yourself out there. I had a buddy who was 40, and wanted to meet a women in her late 20s that is cover model beautiful that would stay home and have kids with him. Simply not realistic.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/23 04:40 PM
1

Terrible upbringing helps you become dead on the I side 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/23 02:52 PM
2

Don't worry about who the victim is, if the relationship is over, move on with life. My STBXW said the same shit to me...she was mad i didnt cheat because she wanted to get divorced "guilt free". What a shitty way of looking at it, having to win. It's a failure of both people. Just don't abandon the kid.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/23 02:51 PM
1

I went back after a month of being separated for the kids and her begging. 1 year later and its officially over. Sounds like you know it's over, move on.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/23 02:44 PM
4

I heard it's still a shit-show. Not looking forward to joining the party despite checking all the boxes. Women love to hear that I make tens of dollars, right?
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/23 02:25 PM
8

Yeah, but how do you really feel? Edit for spelling (stupid autocorrect)
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/23 09:37 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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