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TheDavenessPhD Archive

View 3 posts and 90 comments by TheDavenessPhD on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

Yeah, man, getting stuck on the why is a downward spiral. It starts that flywheel in your mind that just keeps racing. Why is grief work, how is recovery work. Don't get me wrong, I think both have their place, but only one of them is moving you forward. The guys, that get through this best, like I said, are the guys who ask, "Who do I need to be to get through this?" It puts the responsibility back on yourself. They also give that why a deadline. It's okay to wallow, but you can't spend your li…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/26 07:53 PM
1

Yeah, I feel we all have to learn it at some point. Sooner the better, but we need to learn it nonetheless.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/26 08:29 PM
2

Yeah, that's the thing about high conflict situations: when you stop fighting, you starve the other party of their oxygen. Her comment about the cologne isn't about the cologne. It's about you becoming yourself again and her losing someone she could control. Her friend sounds like a rare type of person, someone who can listen to both sides and not choose. "Feels like high school, but now with kids" is basically every single high conflict divorce I've ever heard of. Here if you need someone to ch…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/26 08:25 PM
3

"Thank god it's the meds." That hits like a ton of bricks. She basically told you she was close to leaving you when you were sick. You can't help but feel that. The person who brings up divorce is usually further from navigating one cleanly than the person who doesn't. You don't have to deal with this today. It seems like you don't know what to do with that info. I'm here if you need to talk it through.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 04:50 AM
2

You're asking the right questions, man. And you're right to fear losing yourself after you've had to fight so hard to get yourself back. The truth is this: You don't lose yourself by loving someone. You lose yourself by lowering standards and allowing boundaries to be broken for love. Those two things are not the same. And when you meet the right person, that relationship is not going to cause you to falter. It's going to sharpen and refine you and challenge you to be even better than you are. B…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 07:59 PM
4

You know that life is already heavy enough. And the biggest lie that men tell themselves is that they're going to stay for the kids, but kids in unhappy homes feel it, and imagine special needs kids even more so. Two unhappy parents is not a gift for your kids. If your time left with the kids is genuinely shorter, surely you want them to see their dad as a happy person? Live your life. Do the things that make you happy, and your kids will be happier too. Are you staying because you want to or be…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 07:41 PM
1

I hear you. What you're carrying right now is more than anyone should carry alone. Please call 988 (or your country's equivalent) tonight. Not tomorrow. Tonight. There are people whose entire job is to sit with you through this moment, and you deserve that support. Your daughter needs her dad here.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 07:17 PM
16

You became a provider. You gave selflessly of yourself and never asked for anything in return. You made sacrifices. Out of sight of the ones you loved, you sacrificed yourself on the altar of family. But you neglected the only person that really matters. The only person you have any control over. You neglected yourself. The question is not "Were you loved or were you useful?" The question is, "Were you loving yourself while you were making all of these sacrifices?" You poured your heart into kid…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 07:01 PM
7

Detachment took years for me. The thing that you have to realize is it doesn't come all at once. It happens in waves with peaks and troughs. It slowly gets easier, and the peaks and the troughs kind of level out. The relationship with my daughter has never been better, and that's all that really matters to me at the moment. The more you do it, the more you interact, the more you practice at being present, the better you get at it. The crazy thing is that doing well externally but messed up inter…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 07:59 AM
7

Divorce is akin to a death by a thousand cuts. You don't lose yourself in one fell swoop, but day after day after day of not working towards something actually means you go backwards. There's no stable point. No, if I do nothing, I'll stay here, but if you do nothing, you end up sliding backwards until you don't recognise yourself. One day you look in the mirror, and the man that you thought you were is just not there anymore. And that's more demotivating than anything I've ever experienced in m…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 06:52 AM
1

Hey there, brother. First of all, thank you for your service. That feeling of invisibility when you put so much effort in, I think, is one of the most degrading things in the world. As men, we feel all we have to do is do more, we will be seen, and that leads down a deep spiral. I'd like to acknowledge a couple of things that you said here, not because of what you're saying but because of how it's framed. "Yes, I know it sounds extreme, but I swear this is the case." - You're apologising for wha…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 06:14 AM
1

Oh man, bet you're bottom dollar he will. The kids know, they always know. Just keep letting your actions show how much you care for him. Be his safe space.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 09:11 PM
1

Yeah, I think it has to do with a surrender and understanding that you can't do it all, and you shouldn't try to do it alone.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 09:04 PM
2

Thanks, man. I like your language. Reactive versus architecture. It really works. I think it also has something to do with the surrender. You stop focusing on the outcome and start putting your energy into the process. I had a conversation with a guy last week, and he was talking about how your life moves through phases and steps. The reframing that he had was that you go through these steps: Life happens to you, then life happens by you. Once youve achieved a mastery of that, Life happens throu…
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 09:02 PM
2

Five weeks in. In a foreign country, different language. What you're explaining isn't a dark tunnel. That's the floor, that's rock bottom, and that's where everything starts. You moved to a different country, built up from nothing. It fell apart and you've made it to this post, and you're still asking questions, man. That's bigger than you could possibly imagine. You're still in the game, brother. And you still have time.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 08:46 PM
1

Yeah certainty is the lie that we tell ourselves. Divorce just shreds it into splinters, but it cracks you up in two. I feel like that now that my heart's cracked open I can allow so much more in... Which Voltaire quote are you thinking of?
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 08:35 PM
1

Owning your part in this, even in the middle of all of it, matters more than you know. The version of yourself that you thought would exist forever is the real kicker here. We build this idea in our head of how our life is going to play out and where we're going to be and what things will look like in the future, when in reality we have very little control over that. I think it's just our egos that let us believe we can bend fate to our will and have things be so, but the reality is that change …
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 08:58 AM
5

Congratulations on your house. That's a big step. The beauty of parenthood is that it's nothing like home ownership. Bonds, connections, memories you have together, feelings, smells your children have known since birth (your smell), shared genetics. All of these things play a part. And your son wouldn't choose to move on to a different dad, even if that dad was taller, stronger, wealthier or more masculine, because it's not his dad. Your job is to keep showing up, to be the image of the man he w…
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 08:31 AM
1

You're trying to measure your worth in dollars, and that's the trap that your ex-wife has set for you, and you're walking straight into it. Your kids have something worth far more than dollars and cents. They've got your presence. That's worth more than anything she can buy. Your ex has money. Let her pay for things. Stop comparing yourself. It's the thief of joy. You are not just dollar signs. You're a dad, and from the sounds of it, you have given everything and are still searching for more to…
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/26 07:58 PM
1

The story has affected me so deeply I can't even explain to you. You have perfectly articulated how it felt to be torn open in the divorce. And I think you have made it clear to me why my soon-to-be ex is so angry. What you're describing was by far the hardest part for me. I'm fighting back tears as I'm writing this. I'm not sure about you, but in every serious relationship I've had where I've poured my heart into something, the other person has left. I don't know if that's because of me or if I…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 09:01 PM
3

When I was ready. And not a moment before.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 03:46 PM
3

Those are the ones that catch you off guard. Nobody warns you about the little things you never considered, and there are a lot. You haven't lost the family, it just looks different from what you imagined. Family is what happens when you're together with your kids. Keep showing up.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 03:43 PM
2

Your first line has hit it right on the head, man. Your head is playing with you. It's that loop, that's not you. That's the voice in your head doing what it does. But you shouldn't feel stupid for feeling that. The feelings will come up. The key is not to judge them but to know that they're there and deal with them by feeling them, finding what it is that's triggering them (hint - it's not your ex). Just keep being the dad your kids deserve, and feel the feelings.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/26 01:02 PM
1

It's the transition that's hard, like the noise that you miss because you're not used to a quiet house, then all of a sudden it's deathly quiet. Going from nightshift into dad mode sounds particularly trying. But you are doing it. The change is jarring. I don't know about you, but my life gets into a rhythm. Yours has been upended. Start assessing the things that you do. Do they bring you joy or peace? If the answer is no, just cut them back, and then one by one start adding things in, until you…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/26 11:58 AM
7

The scariest situation is the change of identity. I always assumed I knew exactly what was going to happen. Had my life all planned out. Unfortunately, with divorce, those dreams and visions are completely shattered. You are the dad to two daughters, and they're still young. You need to show them what a real dad does when things get hard: showing up when it's difficult, being reliable and being the man you want them to fall in love with one day. Their mom feels like the safest place to them righ…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/26 09:17 AM
4

Those feelings mean you cared, and still do care deeply. There is no weakness in that. The strength it took for you to choose your kids over your connection with your wife? That's bravery. Reaching out for help when you are feeling overwhelmed. That's wisdom.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/26 06:00 PM
3

There's a difference between rumination and processing. Rumination is not good. You keep going over the same things over and over and over again in a loop. That loop doesn't help you get through things. It keeps sucking you back in. What helped for me was writing things down and expressing to somebody else or to a camera what that loop keeps going back to. It needs to physically get out of your head into another space so that it can stop the repeat. There is something cathartic about getting it …
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/26 05:38 PM
1

All you can do is keep doing the work - the introspection, feeling the feelings, showing up for your kid and do not be afraid of choosing yourself. If you continue working on yourself and you give it time, the answers will become apparent. There is no rush.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/26 10:49 AM
3

You're trying to win a game where the rules keep changing. From the sound of it, your guts are already telling you what it knows. You just don't want to be the bad guy in this situation, which is understandable. You're going to have to start thinking about what the example is that you're setting for your kid.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 02:11 PM
2

Dude, that's a 10,000-mile gut punch. I'm sorry. You're their dad. No one will ever replace you. Stay present. Stay on mission.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 02:03 PM
3

I started to give back. I started helping guys in this group, and my friends around me going through what I did. Stabilisation is one thing. Planning and building for the future is what comes next. It's certainly less traumatic, but no easier than the process of divorce itself. It is FAR more rewarding though. What do you think the future holds for you?
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 02:01 PM
1

You are not overreacting. The reason that you're asking these questions is because you've done some healing and started to realise what it is you want out of life and out of your relationships. That's your choice and your prerogative. If you're saying that any attempts to create intimacy or foster connection are being rejected and ridiculed, then I think you know what your answer is. Here if you need someone to talk it through with.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 01:25 PM
1

Welcome to the Lonely Valley. You're not the person you used to be. You're not yet the person you want to be. It's a difficult place. Who are you comparing yourself to? Did you feel that you had it all figured out while you were married? Life has the strangest way of giving us what we need and not what we want. What are you moving towards? Who do you dream of being?
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 11:52 AM
1

It takes two people to make a marriage work. You can't do it on your own. You're thinking about your son first, and that's what matters. With a dad like you, you don't need to fear what he'll think. Kids understand what they feel, and he'll feel the love coming from you. This is a new season in your life and deserves to be treated with the respect that comes with it. The house, the pool, the swings, those are just things that don't matter. What matters is you showing up for yourself and showing …
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 11:47 AM
3

You must remember why you're doing this. Your kids need you, and they need you to show up. I know it's hard, but I would pay anything for the time I get with my daughter. There's always more money. There'll never be more time. The financial battle is only one of the fronts of the war. And make no mistake, you're fighting a war. Every expense you can cut right now buys you more runway for the legal fight. Become lean.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 11:38 AM
2

You're not asking what to do, you are asking for permission to choose yourself. You can choose yourself and be a good dad at the same time. Those two things are not mutually exclusive.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 10:56 AM
4

Then lean into that. See if you can find something physical as well. The movement gets you out of your head.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 02:32 PM
5

The crazy thing here is that it seems that you paid the cost for her healing, and someone else got the benefit. You are a good man. But it takes two people to make a marriage. And now you are the person you have to help.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 11:26 AM
2

You have no idea how massive just making this post is in what you're trying to achieve. You feel fine when the kids are around because you're serving someone, and serving gives you purpose. The rest of what you're describing is because you stopped serving yourself. I've started making some videos on YouTube to help me process the almost three years of hell that I've been through. Maybe some of it helps. https://www.youtube.com/@thedavidvdberg
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 10:10 AM
19

You're angry, and despite how it feels, your anger is a good sign. It means you're moving through grief. You need somewhere to point that anger, though, because if you don't, it's going to come out on your kids or on your ex-wife, and nobody wants that. What have you been doing that's brought you joy?
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 10:01 AM
3

I've been there, man. That roommate phase is absolute hell. The point where staying becomes worse than leaving is when you realise that the way you interact with your wife is the example you are giving your daughters of what a loving relationship should look and feel like.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 09:57 AM
6

Your children need their dad, and you just need some help. You don't have to do this alone. We are all here for you. 988 - Crisis Lifeline. Call or text. They are professionals.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 09:53 AM
1

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not okay, but you are carrying guilt that does not belong to you. It seems like you're following the right path to getting yourself healthy. Abuse is a terrible thing and comes in many forms. None of it is good for you or for your children. You are the hope for yourself and your children.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 09:47 AM
1

Yeah, your actions don't have to be dictated by hers. Who you are, how you show up, has nothing to do with her. Be the dad your kids need, man.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 08:20 AM
2

The sad part is that even if she had seen the effort, I don't think it would have been enough, and that's not on you. You're teaching your kids how a man should treat a woman. They'll see. They'll know, and that's what's important, for you to be the dad that shows them that.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 05:15 PM
3

What you are feeling is betrayal. Just because there was no infidelity, doesn't mean that you have been any less betrayed. This being your second divorce means that you already know what is at stake, and you didn't go into this for a short term. This was for keeps. She didn't want to fight like you do, and that is betrayal. The impossible thing you're trying to name is that you love her and you'll always love her. You've given her a piece of your heart, and you can't get it back, but I don't thi…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 04:17 PM
3

What you're going through is terrible. I also went through allegations of physical and sexual abuse of my daughter. It's one of the most horrific experiences of my life. Going to a support group is definitely the right step, but here if you need to talk
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 03:06 PM
2

You're not doing anything wrong. You're just 7 months in. You are keeping yourself busy, though. And that is stopping you from sitting in those feelings that make you cry. Those feelings aren't going away. You're going to have to go through them. So set aside time in your week when you don't have the kids and let them wash over you. It's painful as all hell, but it's almost like a baptism of pain. Try it, see how you feel afterwards.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 11:45 AM
3

You're not alone, brother. We're here with you. The best thing you can do for your son, and yourself, is be the most present, consistent, awesome dad he's ever seen. Kids are not fools. He'll know.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 11:35 AM
3

Your heart is clearly very big, but she's made you feel small. You're strong and worthy of love. This is going to hurt a lot for a while, but we're here when you need it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 11:31 AM
1

Getting sober and asking for help on your own accord? That speaks to your character. Your girls are lucky to have a dad like you. Keep fighting. I know you're tired, but you'll never forgive yourself if you stop. Your girls need their dad. You are not alone.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 11:23 AM
1

Your mindset is exactly where it needs to be for a dad. If that is what you want and you feel that it's whats best for your kids, then that's what it needs to be. Don't ever apologize for standing up for yourself or for fighting for what you believe to be right.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 11:17 AM
2

You've got to be the example. You know in your gut already what you need to do. It's just not easy. The transition is hard. But your kids need to see what a man does when he knows what's right.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 11:02 AM
1

I'm glad you're in a better headspace, man, but remember it is grief. It comes in waves. I'm really glad you're doing well. Here if you need a chat (If it turns, I hope it doesn't).
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 06:43 AM
3

Oh man, I'm so sorry. Horrific. Yeah, it's often the comments that are made so flippantly that cut the deepest. You're making the right choice.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 11:45 AM
1

Dude, you're doing the work. Actions come first. The feelings and the motivation come afterwards. You're doing it, man. 21 days, oh my goodness, I'm so happy for you. I can't wait till I get to say that! If you hate eating alone, don't. If you want to buy a guitar, buy a guitar. It's your life, man. Make it into whatever you can possibly think of.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 11:41 AM
2

If you stop fighting now, you will never forgive yourself. Your kids, maybe one day, would, but you would never forgive yourself. I'm three years in, and I have had every possible allegation levelled against me, and I've fought. I'm in debt, but I get to see my daughter 50/50. I would ransom the world to have that time with her. You're at the bottom of the dip, and it's not easy to keep going, but what's the alternative?
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 11:37 AM
7

Hey man, this is progress. two weeks in and you've taken tangible steps. I take my hat off to you, sir. Firstly, the rage is part of the grieving process. You cannot control that. You need to find an outlet for it. And once you've found an outlet for the rage, the rumination will calm down by itself. Here if you need to talk, mate, you don't have to do this alone.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 11:05 AM
8

My brother, I've read this, and you're not weak for feeling this way. You're just exhausted. That's totally normal. But that last line on your post scares the crap out of me. Please reach out to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or call 988 if you're in the US. You don't have to be alone in this tonight.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 07:41 AM
2

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, man. You've got a clean sheet. You can choose whatever story you want to write in it. Telling her that she wasn't strong enough to stay is a power move. That took balls brother. Well done. What's the first move?
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 06:42 AM
2

I'm sorry I'm only reading this now. How did the rest of that night go? That pain is just proof of how much you feel, brother. It feels entirely unnatural. Like a part of you has been cut away. It's small comfort, but know that this is just the end of one chapter and the beginning of another.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 06:38 AM
1

*fire emoji*
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 06:32 AM
1

That's the exact positivity that'll drive her nuts, man. You've got this. I believe in you.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 06:32 AM
1

I hate to admit it, but the reality is it isn't painless for them either, people are complicated creatures...
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 06:30 AM
1

Yeah, I know that loop man, I keep coming back to it too, but Shakespeare had it right when he wrote "that way madness lies". At some point, you have to accept that you might just never understand it, and that's okay.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 06:28 AM
5

This is what mourning feels like, brother. They may not be dead, but their part in your life is over. What she did was inexcusable and went against what you stand for, against the values you hold dear. That's not okay. You deserve love and respect and someone who sees you for who you are. Don't settle for anything less. 10 years' worth of school fees is the price you needed to pay to learn the lesson this is going to teach you. You made the right decision to divorce. It might not feel like it ri…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 08:08 AM
15

The Dark Knight said it best: "We either die the hero or live long enough to become the villain." The body-snatching is just her being treated like the victim and her liking the attention of it. I know exactly where you've been, man. It's heartbreaking, and it makes you doubt your judgment, because if someone that you loved could do something that horrific, did you even know them at all? Keep your head high. Keep your actions and your intentions honourable. If you wrestle with pigs, everyone end…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 07:57 AM
1

You're doing the work, man. The "happiness show" they're putting on is a veneer over what's really going on. You feel it, truly. You know what is happening. Keep doing the work. Keep showing up for yourself and for your kids. Your daughter walked across that stage because of you too. That doesn't disappear because of what section you were sitting in. They can feel it, even if no one's naming it. You're on a different path now, one that opens up a whole bunch of possibilities. Stay the course.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 07:33 AM
2

It's incredible how heavy their presence is, even though they're not in the same room. Look on the bright side though. Imagine how aggravating your positivity and lack of reaction must be for them.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 07:22 AM
1

Court on Monday. That's huge. I shall call on the power of the universe and Grayskull to send you as many positive vibes as humanly possible. I'm here for you man. There's no shame in getting help, bud. The situation you're describing sounds horrendous, and for what it's worth, I'm proud of you for what you've done this far. It's a slog. One thing that helped me was just reframing it. This isn't a sprint. This is a marathon. We're in this for the long run. Pace yourself. It doesn't matter if it …
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 07:16 AM
2

Yeah, that balance is a learning curve, but you're already finding it, you just don't know it yet.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 01:12 PM
3

Raising a daughter as a single dad is one of the most daunting things in this entire world. For me, it was just because I don't know what I don't know. That being said, the last three years of my life have, without doubt, been the best thing that has ever happened to me as both a man and a father. She is the mirror for everything I do and has become my absolute why. I think it was Nietzsche that said, "He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how". Your baby girl needs you more than you …
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 12:57 PM
1

I know exactly what you're going through. The craziest part of it is that you loved and trusted this person, and to know that they can do what they did, and straight up lie to try and get what they believe is best for your kid. That's what gutted me completely. My ex had this idea that just because she's a mother, she is somehow imbued with the wisdom of the universe, and it entitled her to make decisions for us and our daughter. You need to start fighting back. Your son needs his dad, and from …
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 12:27 PM
1

OP, I have to take my hat off to you. It's not every man that can be as mature in the situation you're facing. Having been wronged and being the one making the responsible decision is not easy. Well done. That limbo phase can eat you up. Just make sure that you're doing something that's just for you. Good luck in this, man. Always here if you need a chat.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 12:06 PM
1

Hahaha, I've got the mental image of the man from "Up" with his fist raised, shouting at the clouds. At least the clouds listen.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 09:18 AM
2

Yeah, punishing yourself is not going to make the situation any better, it's just going to make that voice in your head louder.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 02:58 PM
2

Regrets? Sure, plenty. But am I okay? 100%. It's hard, but the man who I've become and the father that I am now, compared to the trajectory I was on, I'm grateful. Knowing everything I've been through, everything I've survived. Makes it somehow feel worth it.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 02:31 PM
2

The aftershocks end. They become more like ripples that are reflected back off the edge of the pool. At some point, it turns, and you're thankful for the memory because it led you to where you're going to be.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 02:24 PM
2

Yeah man, for me it's the songs and the smells that can conjure those really strong memories and emotions. Music is crazy because it comes out of nowhere, a song on the radio, at the shops... It gets better though, the waves are further apart and smaller with time.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 02:22 PM
1

If this is what you are feeling, imagine what your kids must be feeling. They feel it. They just don't know how to process it or how to deal with it. That's stressful for everyone involved. At the moment, you're being an example to them of what a loving relationship should look like. Two single happy parents are better than two married unhappy parents.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 11:40 AM
7

The pain you're feeling is normal, but the thoughts you're having aren't helpful. You need to be the dad your kids need right now. It's your time to shine. Be present and start building the type of relationship you want to have with your kids long term. You can't control what she decides. You can only control how you show up for your family. My wife left three years ago. Here if you need to talk.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 11:33 AM
5

You have testosterone. That anger is part of being who we are. But you do need somewhere to put it. Whether that's looking for something Zen like yoga or meditation, or if it means joining a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu club and grappling it out of you. It's not going away. You have to put it somewhere. Start trying out different avenues and see what works for you.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 11:26 AM
4

Feelings aren't logical. Knowing that something shouldn't be making you feel bad and feeling bad anyway is part of why divorce is so hard. Those little driveway gut punches don't stop. At least they haven't for me yet, and I'm three years in; the punches do start to land softer though. It sounds like you're making the right steps, friend, and being pulled back in every now and then is just part of the journey. You're asking the questions about getting into a relationship, but it sounds like it d…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 11:21 AM
6

Grief is not linear, man. Those aftershocks and waves still keep coming years later. I'm three years in, and every now and then one just knocks me on the side of the head without warning. Keep going, you've got this.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 11:16 AM
2

You don't think it'll be a big deal until you start noticing those little things: the shoes that aren't lying around, the doll that's always there that's gone. I feel you, mate, but those girls need their dad so that when they do see you, you light up their lives.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 03:10 PM
4

Hey man, the way you've written this post and your username being no point, I need you to hear that you're needed. If you're feeling like this is too heavy to carry yourself, you need to reach out to the international number in the UK and the US is 988. But this is grief, and it cuts you deeper than anything you've ever felt before. It's gonna hurt, but it gets better. You just need to be there when it does. Here if you need someone to talk to.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 03:05 PM
4

Hey man, it sounds like you're doing the work. The level of self-awareness in this post is rare. Keep it up. Keep putting the kids first, but understand that you can't take care of the kids unless you're taking care of yourself. It's about looking at yourself and seeing where you went wrong and what you want to improve in yourself. That's the next chapter for you, mate. Good luck. Always here if you need it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 03:00 PM
1

It does get easier, but not because you miss your kids less. It's because this process is going to make you into a better dad. Keep going. Keep showing up. How old are your kids?
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 12:54 PM
7

You're not wrong to be cold. You're grieving. Those are different things. She wants the friendship because it costs her nothing and makes her feel better about what she did. You're not obligated to provide that. Civil for the kid, of course. Best friends? No. That boundary is completely reasonable. The vasectomy. The car. The grad school support. The extra childcare. You were all in. That's not a man who failed his marriage. That's a man who loved his wife and got blindsided anyway. The interest…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 12:34 PM
5

The energy doesn't come first. The action does. The energy follows from there. You're five months in. You've moved, you're in therapy, you're going to the gym. That's not a rut. That's someone who's recovering who's being too hard on himself for not sprinting yet. The projects will still be there for you when you're ready. Right now your only job is to keep showing up for the basics. Gym. Sleep. Food. Daylight. That's it. Everything else is a bonus. The good days start outnumbering the bad ones …
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 11:38 AM
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