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TheExtras Archive

View 3 posts and 34 comments by TheExtras on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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18

Some of the leading porn research is in Utah, because Mormons have such a problem with porn. They are great research participants
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/04/22 04:28 PM
62

So true, reminds me of all these recent Netflix docs about these con men (e.g., Tinder Swindler, Bad Vegan). All are preying on this desire to be "saved." A dangerous mindset that can have lasting consequences.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/22 02:17 AM
31

I've never heard that terminology for attachment style, but I get what you are saying. On one hand, I think it's a good way to make some initial assessments on people and figure out who has got your back. However, I do still inwardly cringe at the idea of a "protector" at all. I think of stories of women who allowed their husband to completely protect them and take over financials--even if he's great and doesn't do anything sneaky, what happens if he dies first? All of a sudden you're thrust int…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/22 02:14 AM
57

Exactly! I do have some amazing supportive people in my life now and I treat THEM like gold. And it's not like other people in my life think I'm cold or mean or whatever. I just don't give them the same amount of unlimited emotional support and energy that my former Pick-me self did. Like, I had a recent friend who kept saying how they wish we were closer and even at times admits I gave more than they did and wanted to give more in return. Love the insight! Great, I gave them a few opportunities…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/22 02:06 AM
4

OP, just wanted to say, love your post and I'm hopeful too. I have seen my friends begin to raise empathetic, thoughtful children of all genders, and that brings me a lot of hope for the future. I feel very lucky in one sense that I was socialized as a young girl to be sensitive to others. Yet, how much better would things have been if I had been taught boundaries? Same with men--I see that many more will be less emotionally stunted and more considerate. It won't fix society as a whole, but I th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/03/22 01:51 PM
35

Your feelings are natural! The adrenaline kept you on your toes and highly alert to anything that would've signified escalating danger. This was necessary in this interaction! Over time, we gain some better discernment towards danger, but as this your first aggressive customer, it's natural. I'd give your body some time to breathe gently and relax. It's normal it wouldn't immediately re-regulate. When things like this have happened to me, sometimes I take 10 minutes to calm down after if possibl…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/02/22 03:00 AM
35

I like practical gifts too, but I think it's entirely different what those look like depending on the status of your relationship. When I wasn't living with my partner, for sure, I would have appreciate something for my house that I had been thinking about. But when we moved in together, we would talk about shared desires for the home (e.g. water filters, gadgets, decor) and buy them together. "Practical" gifts now are never for a shared thing between us. They center around my hobbies, stuff I w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/22 04:19 AM
4

Even light BDSM play was toxic for me. I remember thinking I might be wired this way and a "switch", because I'd remember in my first relationship I'd fantasize about slapping him in the face while we were making out. The reality was, I fantasized about this, because he had already slapped ME in the face and was emotionally abusive, and I was trying to force myself to swallow my anger and morph it into sexual energy. Being slapped, held by the neck, in later relationships was a way for me to ask…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 04:22 PM
12

Doctors and medical professional often have issues with consent. Even with women, I am very careful to set my boundaries and make sure they know they have to ask before touching and interacting with me. Used to work in a psychiatric facility and I'd even have trainees walk in and expect to sit on on group therapy as if my clients had no voice. They would always ask ME if it was okay. When someone's rights are already limited due to their mental state, we need to emphasize what control they DO ha…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 04:09 PM
8

Honestly, I would focus on building more HV friendships, especially with women. Are there any clubs or events you can join that are women-only? You will need a support system as all these changes happen, and as others have noted, men will see you as a easy target for abuse. Building HV friendships is also a very important step that is good practice for future vetting of romantic relationships.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/11/21 03:22 PM
43

To be fair, and maybe I'm biased, but we also don't know what is happening in the therapy room. I can't tell you how often I have given nuanced advice, but the receiver just hears what they want to hear.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/11/21 08:09 PM
5

Ah yes, you mean the plot of Bojack Horseman.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/10/21 03:04 AM
11

I cannot tell you how many men I went on a date with who aren't especially fit, who are attracted to me clearly, but used my weight to put me down. Yeah, I am overweight, chubby, whatever, it's not a secret! I didn't hide it. I also keep active and am relatively fit, despite my weight. My current partner keeps in great shape, much more fit and muscular than I am used to, and he has never once said anything negative about me or my body. He believes I look beautiful at my current weight and isn't …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/10/21 03:02 AM
19

When you have been apathetic in your life, did you suddenly forget about everyone's feelings, desires, pains, and whatnot? When I've been apathetic, I just took myself out of the equation. I only hurt people by my absence. I also felt apathetic about my own stuff, BUT, wouldn't even USE other people's things because I didn't want to ruin/clean/harm it. I bet you are the same. You wouldn't have used people's stuff if you knew you were in a state where it would be difficult to take care of it prop…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/10/21 07:50 PM
12

I am so sorry your therapist said this. A good therapist would work to understand how certain painful experiences are related to your values. And THEN work with you to validate your feelings and boundaries, and then encourage you to voice them loudly and proudly. You are not crazy. Unfortunately, many therapists don't do enough inward thinking about what harmful cultural messages they legitimize without a second thought. I constantly have to help my clients push against cultural norms for their …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/10/21 12:19 PM
93

Right, valuing your friends more than a random date isn't a red flag! ​ But telling your date how attractive your friends are and that you'd take a bullet for them is. It's weird, unnecessary, and likely him telling on himself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/21 04:51 PM
20

After being betrayed in a long-term rx, casual relationships and sex became a self-harm behavior. I gave very clear, upfront boundaries about my limits like any good libfem would and men still went out of their way to assault me. Essentially, I was playing the betrayal over and over again. I'm just grateful there are no longterm consequences other than cringing when I think back on all my friends who must have seen me spiraling. 0/10 do not recommend. Go to therapy/read a book/do some crafts and…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/10/21 01:18 AM
21

I'd argue that this idea that "men used to" do anything for women is also a fantasy that men have of themselves, and one they try to sell to us. Historically, most men have always devalued women. Even if there were a few more pleasantries in the past, they were still a veneer covering a life of servitude and unequal expectations.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/09/21 01:13 PM
5

I didn't even understand it at first because I thought she was asking if he needed another lock, because that's what a cashier would ask.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/08/21 08:45 PM
19

I think you can go on a hiking date with your married partner if he has been properly vetted. Noting the first example, his first wife mysteriously died, plus he has a history of being deceitful (fake business, wasn't working). I'm sure there were many other red flags. My guess is this woman already faced a ton of verbal and/or physical abuse, which is how she was forced to go on this trail anyway. ​ However, I agree that we should always be vetting, and if you get a weird feeling with a partner…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/08/21 02:08 PM
22

Yep, my friend's ex-husband tried to milk her and her family; he'd go sour whenever someone didn't do things to his liking. My friend helped pay for lawyers when he went to jail, and he STILL wasn't happy with her when he got out, even though he put her in financial ruin. He always downplayed her achievements and ability, while he lied about his educational attainment to get jobs. Since then, he has managed to have one girlfriend pay for his car, and another to pay for his house. My friend on th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/06/21 04:39 PM
20

A truly HVM academic man is a rare find. My only male research idol seems like he is. He and his wife are childfree, he has very hard boundaries on work hours, spending his evenings and weekends with her. When I've overheard him talking to his colleagues, he regularly praises her. In his actual work, he is incredibly supportive of minority grad students, put a whole program in place to improve their access to his department. He addresses his limits and biases in lab meetings with others, and uti…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/06/21 06:50 PM
4

Do not settle for a seemingly harmless socially inept man. (TW: rape) I was in an abusive relationship for many years, and in my next relationship I settled for a man who seemed safe. He was funny and we shared similar values. I wanted a quiet, simple love and I thought if I poured enough care and love into him, I would be rewarded in some way. I knew from the beginning he wasn't the best socially, but he just seemed shy and sweet. Compared to the previous bf, who was emotionally intelligent, bu…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/06/21 04:27 PM
7

What you have accomplished is awe-inspiring!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/06/21 12:30 PM
10

What's notable to me here is that the bonding over trauma is passive and accepting of the trauma. I think bonding over shared societal difficulties is fine with me as long as it's actionable in the long term. At my current job, we talk about issues that come up frequently (e.g. emotional labor at work being put on women, unequal distribution of opportunities). Sometimes it IS to vent, but other times it's to problem solve, or to collectively bring issues to the table. In a recent anonymous revie…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/06/21 05:53 PM
12

Honestly, I have so much respect for Carole. Her "oddness" I think stems from a life of abuse; like many people I think she becomes less emotional when discussing terrible past events or makes it into a joke, because she's uncomfortable with sympathy. Her first husband seemed to be abusive and her second, based on records, seemed to also be at the minimum highly manipulative. She has this steely demeanor that I think puts people off. People would have been much more empathetic to her if she talk…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/05/21 05:42 PM
30

Here's my problem with much of the body positivity movement; it still centers how fuckable you are. For heterosexual relationships it seems to say "Don't worry, there are men who still want to fuck you!" as if that is the defining aspect of myself that gives me value. It also promotes fetishation. Personally, I'm all about body neutrality. Bodies are bodies. Instead of me focusing on being fat (which due to COVID I AM right now according to my BMI) I mostly focus on how my body is feeling and ad…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/05/21 11:36 PM
6

People have already noted other options, but many trauma-informed therapists utilize a strategy called "cognitive processing therapy." During this process, you write a narrative about your trauma. With the help of your therapists you find "stuck points" within your narrative. Often this means you have thought or cognitions that induce a negative core belief about yourself. For example, common "stuck points" are "I should've known better," "I should've said something to someone" "If I hadn't done…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/04/21 10:24 AM
4

I'll admit to be a bit of a kink pickme--part of it stemmed from my first partner being emotionally abusive and my subsequent partner being apathetic and non-participatory. I'd beg him for intimacy, focused attention, and he was unable to give me that. He actually hardly had sex with me. I was the one who initiated kink, because I saw that he was more focused on me when he was slapping me, choking me, was obligated to hold me and cuddle me afterwards. How f'ed up is that? And this did not ultima…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/04/21 01:51 AM
9

Also shout outs to Maria Bamford and Tig Notaro.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/04/21 04:27 PM
7

I found out my LVM had pee bottles he would use when he didn't want to go all the way downstairs to use the bathroom. There were other reasons for it, but certainly not good enough ones. I still stayed with him of course. Horrified in the moment, but ready to move on to the next horror I guess. When I think of allt he blatant red flags... I weep for my past self.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/02/21 11:27 PM
3

My apologies! I had searched at some point a while ago to see if it was talked about, but didn't see it. Admittedly, I didn't search yesterday when I posted. Thank you so much for the essay! Love the angle she views the story. I agree the part about the gas resonates. I also felt relieved when it turns out the narrative is that she is not crazy--it's weird how much I *need* that from stories.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/01/21 01:00 PM
113

Just wanted to clarify, that this is up to a 72 hour hold, meaning the doctors and psychologists have up to 72 hours to determine whether this person will be needing an extended stay. A police officer could decide not to take them when they show up to the scene, and they could be released sooner than 72 hours if they are brought to the hospital and deemed not at risk. I mention this, because women in dangerous situations with homicidal, manipulative men, assumed they would get a full 72 hours to…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/01/21 05:14 AM
7

RANT SORRY--I've noticed something lately--I'm a super progressive, educated woman, but have found over and over again that egalitarian relationships are almost impossible with other superleft men, who think they are doing the work, but dish out emotional labor to me, who don't put the same efforts I do in problem-solving, and achieving. They LOVE I'm a feminist, fully actualized women, because it allows them to coast on my coattails. What's more, is despite me having a high sexual drive, men al…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/09/20 03:36 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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