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TimelyResearch1702 Archive

View 0 posts and 155 comments by TimelyResearch1702 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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5

Whoa. Congrats bro! We need to talk. I'm in NJ, married to an abusive cheater who refuses to work or do anything useful around home. Every lawyer I spoke with assured me I'd lose half of everything I built/saved, will be paying crazy open-ended alimony till I retire (even that is questionable, she may dispute that and quite likely to win), with very little chance to adjust if I get sick or can't get new job after a layoff. I've been suffering for years out of fear of total ruin by divorce. But s…
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/26 03:16 AM
1

Sometimes. 3% of alimony payers are women.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 03:31 AM
1

Sorry to hear that man. I guess, judge didn't order her to pay you alimony so that you can "continue the lifestyle you got accustomed to during the marriage", did he?
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 12:20 AM
8

After 20 years he's likely in permanent alimony territory already. Have to do hard math here. There is a point at which it start to make financial sense to wait closer to retirement (if the state permits alimony termination at retirement and OP can afford to retire). The biggest risk is salary increase during these 2 years, that will permanently increase the obligation.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 08:07 PM
1

Sorry you are going through this. False allegations in divorce are rampant, and on steroids since "believe woman" campaign. I'm guessing you are not in US. UK? This cancer is spreading everywhere. Stay strong, find a lawyer. You will survive this and it will feel like a bad dream one day.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 07:56 PM
3

Sorry bro, welcome to the club. #1 question is where you are located. If you are in hellscape like NJ or CA, she can take a video of cheating and send it to you CC family court judge, and you will still pay her alimony forever after 20 years of marriage. You'll pay her so much that she will never need to work and you will barely make ends meet. In that case the strategy is 1) get therapist who will teach you to ignore her, 2) find joys elsewhere/when she's not around. Unless you are loaded and c…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 07:41 PM
1

My guess is that it's awkward for them. They don't know what to do and may be worried to do or say a wrong thing. You have to reach out to people and tell them you need their help, and what kind. Tell them you want to hang out, to talk, to sleep over in their house etc. You'll be surprised how many will offer what you ask. If you don't have a therapist, get a good one. They won't sole your problems but will help you understand and improve how you think about them. Not what you asked - but have y…
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 03:35 AM
2

I was suffering in silence for over 15 years. When I finally decided to open up to my closest friend, it was such a relief. He has seen my wife, her contempt towards me, her pushing me around... He understood, empathized, and was there a phone call away whenever things were bad. That broke the floodgate and I was able to speak to more people without fear of judgement or being perceived as failrue. People generally are very supportive and appreciative of your trust when you show open your heart t…
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 03:10 AM
2

Western world is like that!!! Nobody has ever heard of alimony is Sweeden, Scotland, Australia, Chile ... or not western - Singapore, Japan etc etc. US and parts of Canada are these fringe pocket of the world. Immigrants here are absolutely baffled when they find out about alimony to... adult! "Alimony" means child support in the rest of the world.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 03:00 PM
4

Unless they get permanent alimony. Then men never find freedom, and women never end up broke.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 12:53 PM
3

So well said.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 12:52 PM
7

I'll be DM'ing you later. We are going to get to the bottom of this and turn it around.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 07:39 PM
3

Several days ago I replied to a post by a 45y old woman who felt similarly like you do, longing for love and not finding anyone. Despite going to gym, being in shape, etc. https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1q6wdxa/on_the_verge_of_divorce_and_im_panicking_45_f/ I was going to suggest you DM her. But she deleted her account and the post. Damn. There are great women out there looking for someone, but the dating system is so screwed up that people aren't finding each other anymore easily. Bu…
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 07:36 PM
3

So sorry brother. Would you care to share what is getting worse? Drowning financially? Emotionally? Is there a post we could read?
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 04:29 PM
4

My deepest respect. You are a responsible adult who will take care of himself and live by your means. Unlike so many leaches who will suck somebody's blood while on endless vacation and find contorted way to believe it's ok because the law permits that.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 03:35 PM
10

Congrats, good for you. The key phrase in your post is "ex was the high earner". That makes the escape and freedom possible. There is no escape from the abuser who refused to work for decades.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 02:33 PM
3

Sorry about your struggle bro. Lots of compassionate advice in the comments - you see that even total strangers care. So there are surely people in your life who care a lot. You are at the bottom and will climb back and all this will be a distant memory, and chances (quite high) are you'll be with someone else in a happy and fulfilling relationship. Now re "i want to kill myself". Don't do it - obviously. But also don't say it to anyone. You can't imagine to what extent this can be used against …
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 11:57 PM
12

Sorry you are in this mess. But she makes more than you, so you can leave without fear of being enslaved by alimony and child support, like so many of us. You can gain freedom, build new life, find love again. Nobody deserves treatment like how you are being treated. Your children deserve peaceful time with you, which will likely be 50% as she's the one who works long hours. Don't waste your life on this, save yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/25 03:24 AM
2

Sorry you are going through this. You are already doing or planning the right things, so just couple extra thoughts: Don't tip her off before she takes that better paying job, and then wait a little bit so that it's established that she's working there/making that money. There is nothing scarier than divorcing somebody with severely lower income and being stuck with very long term alimony. Go on a lawyer spree. Call 10 lawyers in your county based on reviews (Yelp, not Google Maps! Google Maps r…
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/25 09:10 PM
2

Sounds like you are on the right track with this. Best luck!
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/25 04:03 AM
2

How did it end up this way? Did the judge just refuse to follow the law? Parents do not get a break from supporting their children. It's enforced harshly, with contempt of court charges, suspension of driving license, revocation of professional licenses, and eventual jail time.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/25 03:49 AM
3

There is absolutely no way this situation would be possible if genders were reversed. They'd surely get some blood from stone.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/25 02:48 AM
3

She must be paying a TON of child support to you, right?
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/25 03:35 AM
5

I think it's called spousal maintenance everywhere now. TX, KY, VA, as well as the rest of the world except Canada - see alimony as a brief help to get on her feet, get a job, and become independent adult. While NJ, CA, and the rest of hellscape sees it as "ensuring lifestyle she got accustomed to during the marriage". The lifestyle could be 3 annual trips to Europe, skiing chalet in Aspen and eating out nightly in top restaurants, while not working. And the ex is required to maintain that, ofte…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/25 03:26 PM
4

Yes. This is the real America. Unfortunately Texas is one of very few states who joined the rest of the world in abolishing alimony and expecting adults to support themselves. The rest of US is still in Victorian times. You are not the loser in this, far from it. Were the slaves losers who worked hard and had nothing while their owners enjoyed rich lazy lives? No. The loser is the leach living of other person's work, and the system which enables it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/25 01:52 PM
14

It is a minor setback in Texas. It is the end in NJ or CA. There is a huge difference between giving up half of your assets and being free vs. giving up half of your assets and owing half of your CURRENT income forever, with no relief when there is next economic crisis or your job gets replaced by AI, or when you simply can't keep up with your earnings as you age. With no bankruptcy coming to rescue, and debtors jail waiting for you if you fail to pay.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/25 03:48 AM
8

How it works? You are required to pay her forever to ensure she can enjoy the lifestyle she got accustomed to during the marriage. That roughly ends up to be half of your take-home income. Then you get older and are unable to maintain the income you once had, and everything becomes more expensive. Then you lose job. You get the remaining $$ and hire attorney in hopes to modify the alimony, but it's a losing game, such motion is almost never granted. Then you end up like this guy. Or this guy. Or…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/25 03:45 AM
2

3 year rule is only true in some states, and only for child support. The alimony to wife is hard to impossible to modify depending on state, and there are no automatic reviews based on years. Wishing you luck.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 01:46 AM
1

My fear of what happened to you kept me from filing for years. I endure abuse, cheating, humiliation, lashing out, demands to cut ties with friends and family. But If I lose job while married I don't go to jail for non-payment of insane alimony forever, which I'd owe according to lawyers. We are slaves one way or another, and nobody cares about us. No political party will ever fix this.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 01:40 AM
1

Where do you guys live? Like, not US?? In US, if she's unhappy, in best case scenario you both leave, sell the house, split the equity. But in more likely case she keeps the house in exchange of slightly reduced alimony you owe her for many years.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/25 09:22 PM
1

Would this work if genders were switched? Would it be woman's fault if husband mistreated her for 10 years before she escaped?
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/25 09:17 PM
8

Sorry you are going through this, but you need to lawyer up and understand what's coming. Don't underestimate the risk of "silver bullet divorce" - no man expected it, and yet countless thousands were hit by it. Then you lose the house, your possessions, everything. What is your income situation? Are you on the hook for alimony? How long have you been married? Where are you located?
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/25 03:00 AM
4

I stayed. See my posts... I got over many things but there is one thing I am cant's stomach. It's fear of being laid off, being unable to find matching pay, and ending up like this guy or this guy. My #1 thing is - can alimony be reduced if I absolutely can't pay. The answer is a hard no in NJ.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 03:58 PM
3

That's on a higher end, NJ tries not to take more than 60% of husband's take-at-home income. But yes, that assumes you stop any "discretionary" deductions like 401k. There were a few cases up to 70%. The hard limit seems to be that husband is left with no less that $23k/year after all the payments to ex-wife. The devastating part is that you have no choice but stop contributing to 401k. And when you do that, you don't save for retirement. Which means you can't retire at 65. You don't retire - al…
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 03:40 PM
2

Where are you located? I was assured by several lawyers that any reduction of income before the divorce would be seen as alimony avoidance and likely punished by higher alimony. It would take minimum 5 years of lesser pay for court to even entertain that you are not capable of earning your previous max. NJ.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 03:31 PM
4

I'm so with you on this one. The alimony I was told i'd pay forever if I divorced my abusive cheating wife already were crazy. But it was pre-tax before 2019. Now it's post tax, with the target % reduced just by 5%!!! While real tax (federal, state, medicare, social security, unemployment, family leave) - add up to 45%-ish on the last dollar. I spent a lot of time with spreadsheets and paycheck calculators comparing "before and after" and this reform absolutely crushed my chances of ever affordi…
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 03:28 PM
1

Yeah. I have a friend who divorced in Sweden, and it took some explaining till he understood the concept of alimony. He thought it means child support. The idea that a women without children can get a cut of ex-husband's salary AFTER the divorce is a sci-fi level stuff for most of the world.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 01:02 AM
2

Texas, the promised land of every man... Along with Japan, Sweden, Scotland, Israel, Australia, Finland, Portugal, South Korea, Austria, Belgium, Mexico, New Zealand, Singapore, Turkey, .... I mean the rest of the frikin wold who figured out that people shouldn't own other people and adults have to take care of themselves.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 02:39 AM
2

That's not bad at all. I'm looking at nearly 50% take-home salary forever. And no prospect for modification if I can't keep up current salary decades later, when I'm old. Good job not living in NJ or CA! :)
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 02:12 AM
1

Well done, congrats! Would you mind sharing a little bit more about finances - not in absolute numbers but the % of your total net worth which she got, and % of your take-home income you'll be paying her monthly and for how long.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 12:18 AM
21

You would not be identified even if you said you were Bob from Des Moines, Iowa as there were probably dozens of Bobs who were served false restraining orders made of lies in Des Moines that Friday afternoon. This is so common that it has a name - "Silver bullet divorce". That's the first thing men are warned about by lawyers. Books are written about anatomy of this and how to deal with it ("Splitting" by Bill Eddy). She has everything to win, nothing to lose. You can sue anyone for slander or d…
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/25 12:34 AM
1

I read more about this and you may have a chance to invalidate this order by proving you were not of sound mind - for which you have a ton of supporting documentation like medical records, prescriptions, etc. Although it may not be cheap to fight it. Best luck!
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/25 12:06 PM
2

Wow, this is quite a story. I'll just comment on one part - where you were scammed into signing final divorce papers while not in full awareness of what's going on. This is really shocking, considering that almost always there is a final hearing where judge tries to prevent exactly this - by ensuring that both parties signed everything in sound mind and fully understand it's final. What a fail of the legal system.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/25 03:01 AM
2

True, good point.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/25 11:27 AM
2

The laws regulating therapists are pretty strict. Therapist could not take in a spouse in any setting; therapist could not even acknowledge to that the other spouse is their patient. So not sure how could this be seen as attempt to control her. It's laws, not you, who prevented her into that group ran by the same therapist.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/25 01:57 AM
2

While I don't have an answer about the cost, I'm very sorry you are in this mess and curious what happened. Would you share with the community here why your daughters are with your wife, and you are getting only supervised visits? Could that situation be somehow improved so that it's more of traditional custody arrangement where you get days and she gets days?
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/25 01:53 AM
1

I look with great envy to our European brothers and sisters where divorce is so much simpler and ends so much cleaner, giving both parties fresh start and chance for new happiness. How did we got into this nightmare state. By "we" I mean US and Canada, and parts of UK (except Scotland).
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/25 12:22 AM
4

100% of lawyers told me I'm in the 10%! I'm so happy for the 90%.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/25 01:39 PM
2

TX or any other country in the world besides maybe Canada.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/25 01:38 PM
1

Oh you are in Canada. I didn't realize legal costs are as crazy as US in there. And it doesn't sound like that your case is remotely complicated? No international assets, businesses, inheritances, rental properties, etc., right? Just $200k for divorcing your wife.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/25 02:10 AM
28

You need to talk to lawyers. If you are in texas, you'll do well after divorce. If you are in california, you'll suffocate under the lifetime alimony while she will never need to work in her life. If you lose your job today, you both will have to adjust and downsize. If you lose your job after divorce, she couldn't care less, if you are late of your payments you'll be tazed, put in handcuffs, and thrown to jail till you come up with money. Know what you are getting into before divorcing stay at …
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/25 01:10 AM
10

Bro good for you but for most of us divorce means either lifetime or very long alimony of unholy proportions, disposable income going UP after divorce is truly rare.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/25 01:07 AM
1

Omg, this is truly insane. I haven't filed yet, but have been lurking a lot here and this is one of the largest numbers I've seen. Would you mind giving a little bit of breakdown? How is the $100k spread across different phases, lawyers/experts, etc.? Also, is that both sides? You are paying for her lawyer as well?
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/25 01:04 AM
1

Unfortunately my option (3) is tainted by virtually unmodifiable lifetime alimony of unholy proportions. And I work in an industry where the question is when, not if I'll lose my income. That leads to this. Check out my posts for details...
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/25 05:52 PM
2

I read it, great book, explains mediation, courts, do's and don'ts far beyond just NPD.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/25 08:50 PM
4

Thanks for sharing, and congratulations. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to file, inspired by people like you.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/25 02:47 AM
1

How old are your kids? Is there any reason not to explain them how the system works and where she got the money? They can keep the Europe trips, but they should know whom they should be grateful to. I'd say don't if they are under 14 or so. Although sooner or later they'll learn about divorce laws and/or ask "mom, how are you rich while you don't work, and dad is poor while he works so much?" As others said, it's good she spends it on kids. Could be spending on her new boyfriend, that would stin…
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/25 12:58 AM
3

Divorce may have a very wide range of outcomes. Are we talking Australia, where wealth is split in half, and both go on their merry ways to live their lives? Or are we talking America, where non-working wife dumped her husband for her AP and now is living of the lifetime alimony while he can barely pay rent, and keeps dragging him into court asking for more as her "hair care expenses" increased due to inflation? I'd surely chose divorce/life in Australia.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/25 01:37 PM
4

They should have bill boards on 95 - "Welcome to New Jersey. Get dumped, pay forever!"
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/25 08:30 PM
4

I see my comment being up and down voted frantically hovering at around zero. It would be soooo interesting to see stats based on gender who's upvoting and who's downvoting :) I think this is a 10.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/25 07:54 PM
8

I'm sorry you are in this. But you have to see the full range of injustice to realize where you ended up in the scale of 1 to 10. How about this: wife refuses to get a job, does little around the house, gets bored and starts cheating. Husband finds out and divorces here, and court orders that he pays astronomical amount of money every month till death. Then he gets laid off because of AI, can't replace his income. Runs out of money, loses home, and goes to debtors prison. I'd say that's an 8. Wh…
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/25 06:40 PM
2

This is how I'd organize thoughts: Are you sure the marriage is over? You are so young and you are married just 2 years? You aren't in danger zone for alimony (she makes more anyway), your fights aren't affecting kids, etc. Give it another chance? Try different couple's therapist? Try individual therapists? Read "High conflict couple" by Alan Fruzzetti? You married her so recently, are the reasons all gone now? Emotional prep. Make sure you have support system. Friends don't have to be in the ar…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/25 02:30 AM
1

Not necesserily. It's often the case in America, but even here people aren't as individualist as it is common to portray. I had zero support system a few years ago and now semi-random people whom I opened up at the worst moments of desperation are there to listen and support. But you have to take the first step, get over the pride, shame, or whatever else it is, and talk to sombody.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 05:22 PM
3

Sorry you are in this dark place. 35 is extremely young and you have life ahead of you. You didn't share much, so I may be making wild assumptions - but I feel I was were you are very long time ago. I was 35, in misserable marriage, so lonely. She systematically dismantled my social circle and isolated me from everyone. I'm still in that misserable marriage which I can't escape, but I rebuilt the support system, have a therapist, and pulling through alright. Here's what you need to do: - Get a t…
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 03:30 AM
2

Which state you are in? It's illegal in about half.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 02:29 AM
2

This is the most uplifting story I read sincd I started lurking in divorce forums months ago. Thank you for sharing.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/25 02:10 AM
1

Good for you. For me wait means less money down the line as there will be less of the lifetime left to pay lifetime alimony.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/25 01:00 PM
7

I caught my wife cheating many times, but can't divorce her because I couldn't afford alimony. I only told my closest friend and therapist. And a million people on Reddit. Didn't tell kids, family, nobody else.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/25 02:48 AM
3

From what I saw in these forums, judge is may dismiss agreement where women doesn't get the max she could under state laws. As you are making a lot more and she could get alimony, you agreeing that she will not will raise red flags. There may be investigation if she has been coerced, got proper legal representation, etc. But this is anecdotal based on Reddit forums, and your state may be different.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/25 01:18 PM
1

I come from there. When I tell people there that I'd need to pay Alimony, everyone assumes it means "Child support'. Versions of the word in local languages usually mean that. Too many countries to google, but here are some random ones. It is limited for exceptional circumstances and even then is minimal and brief. Sweden: "The fundamental idea is that divorce effectively severs all forms of economic relations between spouses.\9]) Each spouse is therefore individually responsible for his or her …
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/25 08:32 PM
1

How typical. Europe starts something, US copies it and drives it to extremes. Then Europe phases it out and US is stuck with the extreme version. From what I read, alimony was started by British because when marrying entire woman's wealth would be transferred to her husband and she'd be left with nothing in case of divorce. So alimony was to compensate for the wealth given up. Fast forward to me in America today. We married with $0 net worth. I worked grueling hours for decades begging her to ge…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/25 03:25 PM
0

This hit hard. I can't divorce because I'd suffocate paying lifetime alimony because my wife got accustomed to lavish life without lifting a finger and law would force me keep paying for it after divorce. But this is so america. Google "Alimony Japan". Yep, it doesn't exist. Find any other country which does anything remotely similar, besides maybe canada or UK. A handful has very small/brief alimony till ex finds a job. But in america ex doesn't need a job! Husband will pay forever or will go t…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/25 03:13 AM
6

She cannot order you out of the marital home in 6 weeks no matter who owns the house. It's not how it works. Talk to a lawyer. Your high but unsteady income puts your in a peculiar situation - she may argue that you are capable of earning twice as her therefore you owe her serious alimony; however the fact that you have zero income now may ease that. It all depends on the state/judge. Talk to a lawyer. What you are describing sounds like toxic and controlling wife, on a verge of abuse. So you ma…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/25 03:03 AM
1

I never understand why some people post here asking for advice, and then vanish after community tries to help from their hearts. Not cool, right?
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/25 02:53 AM
3

She worked but you paid all the bills and didn't want her to waste more of your money, so of course you are the financial abuser. We are a parody of a society.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/25 02:40 AM
1

And if not citizen, what status? I believe green card holders divorcing in US would be subject for to the laws of state of residence. While those on visa waiver or toursit visa probably couldn't even file in US.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/25 05:25 PM
1

Sorry you are in this mess. Could you add some detail? Questions below will help the community to understand your possible divorce implications/advise How long have you been married What state are you in US, what is her home country you are considering to go to (or at least directionally - EU, Asia, etc.) A little confusing - the other expensive city is abroad? or US? When was the last time she worked and how did her income compare to what you are making now?
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/25 12:56 PM
4

I'd very strongly consult a lawyer before doing that as it seems it would be turning current situation where "wife dissipated marital assets while husband was an outstanding law-abiding citizen" into "they both are dishonest schemers". You'll like court better if the judge believes the former.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/25 10:11 PM
13

Sorry you are dealing with this, it's horrible. But you are doing the right things by notifying police and talking to the lawyer ASAP. Court will intervene and you'll see your kids soon. Wishing you strength.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/25 03:21 AM
1

So well said. So true! Half of $150k is least of his worry. Paying her forever and being locked up for failure to do so, that's the real bummer of divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/25 03:14 AM
2

I couldn't agree with you more. However, the law couldn't disagree with you more. Here's why I won't be asking you out - i'll never be free.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/25 04:16 PM
2

Do I get this right. You are a woman, divorced, and this is the way you think? I think I have a crush.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/25 03:45 PM
5

It's a very good post. Thank you for writing this down so well. I'd only argue with "The raw, physical loneliness of an empty bed and a silent house that used to be a home.". Has a man ever been able to stay in the martial home after divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/25 12:43 PM
3

If true??? ABC. - NBC. - Philadelphia Inquirer - NY Times - Wikipedia But let's not forget the heinous crime he was suspected (although never proven guilty) - that he hid money he earned from his ex who didn't earn it. "If I had been convicted of murder in the third degree in Pennsylvania, I would have been out in half the time I was in jail," H. Beatty Chadwick said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/25 12:17 AM
2

Read this one also - Judge frees alimony inmate after 14 years. A guy is put in prison for not having money and kept there till he comes up with it. How can you come up with money while in prison?? The only way is to make a deal with Ricardo that he buys you out on rather high interest and payment enforcement comparable or harsher than alimony... This guy apparently failed to borrow from Ricardo, so he was kept behind bars for 14 years till he reached age of 73 and finally judge let him go.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 11:49 PM
5

Yep, wonderful state of NJ: Frequently jailed Bergen County man calls lifetime alimony 'a circle of hell Man sits in jail while unable to pay alimony that exceeds his income NJ is not alone doing this, but surely it is one of the most egregious states. It seems that California doesn't imprison men for missed alimony, just for missed child support.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 08:21 PM
13

Hi from NJ. Exactly same boat, she isn't working, 20+ year marriage which means "open ended" (aka lifetime) alimony of absolutely crushing proportions. If I could offer some silverlining for you, in CA it's at least possible to modify alimony if you get laid off. In NJ that doesn't seem to be a realistic possibility, according to ~10 lawyers I spoke with, so either you find the money or go to jail. Like you, I brought this upon myself by moving to NJ fro jurisdiction which has no alimony. Others…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 05:57 PM
1

Now imagine if you were the one who quit the job and didn't find a new one for a year and stopped paying her. You'd be put in handcuffs, tased, and dragged to jail so that next time you know what happens when you refuse to work.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 01:58 AM
2

To echo others, this is exactly who gets alimony. Hard working women support themselves.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/25 09:05 PM
1

Ha! This is pretty much word to word how mine refuses.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/25 03:05 AM
1

Absolutely. you could even ask for a mediator first and only get the lawyer when that fails. Read "splitting" by bill eddy, the best write up on how this works I've seen.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/25 06:35 PM
3

I agree with other commenters. She's not your wife, but still a fellow human. Do what you think would initiate her getting help, which may be notifying her family in your case.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/25 12:44 PM
2

The #1 tip for anyone divorcing in America is live in TX. You are already doing it, which is a great start! TX is the most equitable state for divorce. Bullet points: Keep quiet and don't tip her off before talking to several lawyers. "Good one" depends on your needs/liking. Check not just google reviews but also yelp and more specialized legal sites. Talk to multiple, 3+ at least. Most will give first consultation for free Understand what you are getting into and if you can pull it off. Good ne…
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/25 03:47 AM
2

Sorry you are going through this. I've been having similar thoughts for long time but didn't launch the plan. Get therapist if you don't have one, good one will do wonders. What you are asking - how to manage your mental state - is exactly what therapist is for. She'll teach you techniques and tools to do exactly that. Have you consulted lawyers? Did they tell you about worse case scenarios and you are focused on them rather than the most likely scenarios? If so, we are similar. Again, therapist…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/25 02:49 PM
3

You are making a very optimistic assumption here that OP will be better off financially. If this is US and he has been supporting her, he will keep supporting her via alimony. And if she needed support then he'll also be paying her child support. And that's on top of added cost of 2nd rent or mortgage. Actually I never heard of man having more money after divorcing. But I hope that OP is that exception.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/25 02:45 PM
2

I stumbled on this two year old post where a divorce lawyer is telling how horrible family court judges are, how they couldn't care less what the law says and just do whatever they feel like, as some medieval kings. It's surreal how we live in this lawless mess being pushed around by these sorry men playing gods in people's lives. The divorce lawyer posting that ended up quitting his job as he couldn't tolerate the lawlessness of family court judges.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/25 05:11 PM
1

Whoa. So sorry man. Yes, I would probably have very different attitude if that happened to me. In my case, my wife had affairs without help of any therapist :). And I did not cheat despite having therapists for years. They told me - not right away, after very thorough analysis over months - that likely my wife's affairs was not my fault, which helped a lot.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/25 11:36 AM
1

Wow. That does sound bad. Ironically, I tried very hard to talk my wife into going to couple's therapy. Or just therapy alone. She wouldn't no matter what. I wonder how that would go and if I'd still have this pro-therapy attitude...
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/25 03:09 AM
6

So not true. Therapist is not your friend only in a way that it's unidirectional. You don't get to learn about therapist's problems and comfort her like you would a friend. Therapist absolutely can relate to your situation and show extraordinary empathy to you. While therapist cannot solve a problem like "my wife is cheating", she can solve a problem of "when my wife is cheating I'm crying all day instead of doing fun things with my children". Therapist will give very specific advise how to talk…
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/25 12:49 AM
8

I am surprised that so many commenting her had negative experiences with therapy. I went through several therapists over years (as they retired or moved to different states), and all of them were great and helped a lot. But you have to know what therapy is and what to expect. Therapy is not going to solve a problem of cheating wife or unfair custody order. Therapy is to identify problematic thought patterns in your head and teach you to break them using evidence based tools and techniques. If yo…
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/25 12:44 AM
3

I had very similar experience. I thought maybe something was wrong with me that my wife is so nasty to me all the time (and yes, she cheated also). Maybe it's me who's defective and I have to keep trying to change. It helped a lot when therapist systematically reviewed what was going on and told me I wasn't crazy and that this was not normal relationship. It took quite a few sessions, and included very specific advise what to say/ask my wife during various scenarios, and I told how my wife react…
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/25 12:39 AM
6

I haven't filed but over span of couple years consulted ~10 lawyers looking for a good one. The picture is bleak. Majority doesn't seem to have even read the statute. They are not familiar with landmark cases which are very relevant to my situation. They are confused about basic math, and make stuff up as they go. Lawyers not just in the same county but literally on the same main street have opposite answers to the same questions.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/25 02:53 AM
3

Good point. I was thinking more of the always on, secret camera, as you don't really know when she'd try to pull off the fake DV claim. If you outright recording her with your phone of course she'd see that and not risk fake accusation. I read more about it and it seems that generally video, even secret/hidden camera, is legal in areas of the home where is no "reasonable expectation of privacy", which is everywhere but bathroom and bedroom. Which does leave out a lot of space for false accusatio…
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/25 01:22 AM
3

Yes technically. But in practice there is zero accountability that the child support money is actually spent on child's needs rather than yet another pair of shoes or a night out.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/25 04:53 PM
2

True!
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/25 03:07 PM
1

I see people say this a lot but quick googling raise flags about this. It's well established that audio recording is legally acceptable as long as you are a party of the conversation, but video laws are a lot trickier. This is not a good time to accidentally get on wrong side of the law.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/25 03:01 PM
2

Just to reiterate. The most important thing for you now is to NOT TIP HER OFF. Stop talking about the divorce, pretend that you are fine with the situation, put on a fake smile if that's what it takes. Only take any action once you are fully educated and have detailed plan.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/25 02:26 PM
5

Oh man. So sorry. Here are some random bullet points: A lot depends on the state you are in. Some states strive towards 50/50 custody, others are heavily sexist and indeed only give every other weekend for fathers. As insane as it sounds, the LESS of child time you get, the MORE child support you'll be paying her. So the fight for custody is not just about your desire to be with your child; it's also about surviving financially after divorce. A lot of lawyers will give you first consultation hou…
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/25 02:21 PM
3

It is strange indeed. I spoke with nearly 10 lawyers in my county over years and all of them were ready to take case right away and file tomorrow. And they were all five star lawyers on Google Maps. The most terrifying thing is "silver bullet divorce". Google it. I hope she's not planning it, but I've been told by lawyers that it's quite common for woman's lawyer to recommend it. This stalling would match the silver bullet divorce. I really hope it's not that.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/25 12:27 PM
5

It's the perverse incentives in our economic model. Basically good lawyer who reaches settlement quickly makes way less money than bad lawyer who's work is so shoddy that it requires many back-and-forths. Same with e.g. healthcare. Doctor who treats problem correctly in first apt makes fraction of money compared to a bad doctor who keeps giving you wrong treatments and you keep coming back for more apts till finally he figures it out. In some EU countries doctors get bonus when patients in their…
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/25 03:36 AM
3

You can afford to eat out after paying her alimony and child support? That must be nice! :)
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/25 03:21 AM
6

Amen, brother Canadian. Well said. US is the same. We are savages here compared to civilized countries like Norway, Sweden, Scotland, Japan, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/25 02:30 AM
2

Does the law name parents by gender who has more say? Or is it because judges are sexist?
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 09:06 PM
5

Sorry you are going through this. To give you perspective, losing everything is not the worst what could happen in these situations. The worst would be that you lose the house AND pay her huge alimony+child support forever, and you losing job to AI would be laughed at court and you'd be dragged in handcuffs to prison if you don't come up with the next check for her. The fact that you may receive alimony and/or child support puts you firmly into "haven't lost everything" position.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 04:49 PM
5

absolutely not
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 02:18 PM
6

And when somebody has issues with partner who has been divorced, people comment "there is a reason why she's divorced". What is a man supposed to do? Date those who are happily married?
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 01:58 PM
5

Hey. Sorry you are going through this. Your wife can't just take your kids away from you. You have to call a lawyer asap (many fill give first free consultation) and discuss this. Court will order some schedule for you to be with the kids. The best case scenario is 50/50 but it depends on many factors. Your wife may also owe you alimony if she has income and you were disabled at the time of divorce. Don't let this slide. This is not right, and the law is likely on your side.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 02:18 AM
7

It's just mind-boggling to read something like this. One parent allowed another parent to see the child equally. And had the final say if it will be equal?
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/25 10:38 PM
2

Which state are you in? States differ a lot on this. There is even a map which shows full range from 50/50 to 80/20 or even worse.
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/25 02:49 PM
4

Sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately this is very common these days. I recently read "Splitting" by Bill Eddy where he goes into great detail on the anatomy of false accusations like these and effective ways of fighting them. Getting a good lawyer is absolutely step #1. The recommended strategy is being 1) do not let it slide, deny every false accusation/detail; 2) be assertive, calm, polite - basically show you aren't the crazy one; 3) gather evidence/receipts, create narrative which…
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/25 01:15 PM
1

I've been lurking here long enough to see how many stbx'es do follow through. Mine probably would. In a scenario without kids, false accusation gives them upper hand in asset division. In scenario with kids, they get more custody which leads to more child support meaning even more money. Despite how deranged this sounds, I can see their perspective. Divorce is a conflict where both sides feel wronged and each side wants "justice" by getting more money. Ends justify the means - for larger % of th…
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/25 09:54 PM
6

False accusations usually are pushed by her lawyer. Several lawyers warned me that as soon as I file, my stbx will find her lawyer, who may recommend that she goes straight to police to file false domestic violence report. I was advised to have a place to live and get my stuff before filing as I may be thrown out of the house with no right to return. These are "shark lawyers" who heavily advertise their "aggressive tactics" to get women what "she deserves".
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/25 02:10 PM
1

Exactly! They could afford pay alimony because they aren't facing all these extra cost. And yet they don't, and we do, while already suffocating financially because of all this. You'd think if anything US would be the one who would want both parties to work.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/25 03:41 PM
2

Which state are you in? Even CA doesn't do lifetime alimony for marriages under 10 years. NJ requires 20 now.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/25 12:54 PM
4

I'm having hard time wrapping my head around how US stayed behind while the rest of the world moved on. US is shouting loudest of all about gender equality and yet are the last one standing among industrialized nations (or any for that matter) to still have these laws. Even British who started this, seriously dialed it down. Alimony is almost unheard in e.g. Scotland these days, favoring a "clean break" where parties are expected to be self-sufficient. Even Canada who had the same British laws b…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/25 12:40 PM
2

A lot depends on a state, but if you supported her degree you may be in luck. This is usually listed as a reason for "restorative alimony" - where she'd have to pay you back. Which is of course unlikely to happen, but at least may cancel out or reduce your alimony. Hope you lawyered up well.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/25 12:30 PM
22

I'll just thrown in how uniquely American this is. The spousal support idea itself is unheard in most of the world, and where it does exist it's very brief (months) and is about the survival and not "i got accustomed to lavish lifestyle while not working". Adults are expected to be self sufficient after divorce the same way they were before the marriage. But the spouse asking for more money because her not-a-husband got promotion? Tell this to somebody in another country. They'll say, it's absol…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/25 12:25 AM
1

Fair enough. Hopefully somebody replies.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/25 05:30 PM
1

I asked chatgpt "what happens in CRC 5.83 Status Conference". The answer is a very clear and detailed explanation with bullet points. Community guidelines do not allow posting AI response here, but try it yourself. But seriously, talk to lawyer! That's exactly why you have him.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/25 05:12 PM
1

You have a lawyer but are not bugging him? You should bug him.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/25 04:17 PM
3

Well done. Sending a virtual man-hug.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/25 02:26 AM
1

This is a question to a lawyer in MN. It varies a lot state to state. In some adjustments are nearly impossible, in others they are nearly automatic.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/25 01:02 AM
2

Yeah, we don't need you messing up time-space continuum and creating giant black hole. Seriously, to balance this out a little, I'd say 1) you live 90 mins apart which is far; 2) you are the one who didn't want to meet for 6 months, so the clock didn't start then. If this happens again, just have an honest conversation, tell how you feel about her canceling dates, be supportive in case the reasons are real, but also ask what is really going on. Or, fake a crime in her area, and when she enters t…
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/25 09:39 PM
2

I have no advise, but very interested how this will go for you, please keep us posted.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/25 05:24 PM
5

I'd suggest talking to a therapist if you haven't yet. A good therapist will help you understand the reasons why you feel this way and propose strategies/worksheets/mental exercises to reduce the discomfort this is causing.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/25 02:36 AM
15

Well done bro! I've seen lots of posts giving this advise - gym, gym, and more gym to deal with post-divorce trauma. But you actually did it. Respect.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/25 02:23 AM
1

You bike to work and work is 500 meters away? Are you in Netherlands? Denmark? Most certainly not US. Here we drive to work for an hour on a 12-lane highway of barely moving traffic :). Well, you still love her. As you clearly aren't getting her back, you have to take active steps to stop loving her. There are couple wikihows with some good advise. There are entire books written. But basically - gather all your strength and divert your attention elsewhere. You can't just stop thinking about her …
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/25 02:11 AM
1

A book by a well regarded psychology professor said "make a list of all bad things she did to you and refer to it when love starts creeping back". Not exact words, but something like that, i kid you not. Other than that - 1) gym/exercise, 2) time. You also not doing yourself a favor by spying on her. It is a bad habit which you need to break. Bad habits are broken not by power of will but by making them inconvenient. How are you spying? Social media? At the moment of clarity, unfriend, delete, b…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/25 06:56 PM
1

That's not cool, why would you say this without even checking OPs profile? He's real guy who opened up to us here. Show some compassion. OP: you double-posted, see my comment in the 1st post.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/25 02:55 AM
2

You double-posted, may be good idea to delete 2nd copy. This was a different kind of read, thank you for sharing. It must have taken a lot of courage to put this out to public, even if behind anonymity of reddit. Do you have a therapist? While posting here may be therapeutic, a mental health professional will find ways to untangle all that mind spaghetti. Or noodles. Your Chinese self-loathing is flabbergasting to me. I'm a white male in USA. We all here look up to Chinese people with awe and ad…
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/25 02:50 AM
1

For me all this is just hypothetical/dream, if one day I am able to escape my abusive marriage. But I looked into the surveys like "will women date somebody who is paying huge alimony to their ex". It seems that this is deal-breaker for only about half of women. There are plenty of decent women who say it's not a factor for them. I would put this on a table early on to make sure you aren't wasting time with the first half.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/25 01:26 PM
6

Thanks for sharing bro. Be strong. When I see posts like yours, I repeat the advise I saw in here - exercise. Gym, run, pushups, squats, more gym. Every time these thoughts hit you, put that phone down and exercise. It will numb your mind, and if you keep doing, short or not, there will be a lot of interested women once you are ripped.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/25 05:26 PM
3

You are an honorable man not wanting to live off your ex'es money. But like the other commenter said, she'd surely take alimony from you if incomes were reversed. You could file now, take the alimony till you get the job, and then tell her you no longer need it. And then post about it here to rub it in to all those countless divorcees who live off their former spouses blood instead of becoming productive members of society.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 11:47 PM
1

Wins what? Who files first doesn't change the fact that i'd be paying insane amount of lifetime alimony, that she'd get more custody because she is home while I'm working my ass off, she'd still take half of my retirement savings I was building for decades while she was spending as if there was no tomorrow. What is a victory exactly?
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 03:11 AM
4

Sorry you going through this nightmare. I keep postponing filing partially because of fear of something like this. I spoke with many lawyers, and they warned me that wife's attorney may advise her to make BS DV claim to get an upper hand in proceedings - which your case proves is working.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/25 11:52 AM
1

Thanks for clarifying, this makes the numbers more favorable (you'll live on $4400/month, she on $6300/month). But still pretty insane. It's mind boggling that the system doesn't take into account the effort, just $$. It doesn't matter that one spends years risking life in harsh conditions while another chills in an office next door? No other country does this. In most, adults are responsible for taking care of themselves after the marriage ends same way as they were before the marriage started.…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 08:38 PM
3

Your numbers were so staggering that I couldn't get them out of my head so I did some math. According to Colorado paycheck calculator, your monthly take-home after taxes, medicare, etc. would be ~$7,600, hers ~$3,100. Your monthly obligation - $1800+$1200+$1400= $4400. So you'll end up with $3,200/month (7600-4400) and she with $7,500 (3100+4400), or 30%/70% of total income. Even NJ (which is way harsher than Colorado) caps wife's income at 60% of total, and your ex will get 70%? Something is of…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 06:30 PM
4

This is scary, heartbreaking, unfair. Is this how our society treats men who are ready to die for our country? Thank you for your service. I am in a similar situation but haven't filed as I learned the numbers from lawyers and they terrified me. Freedom is ridiculously expensive, and may be unaffordable. If you can, try to negotiate a clause that your alimony obligation gets reviewed in case you lose income. I see this as the main risk - getting laid off or being unable to work due to debilitati…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 05:48 PM
13

I second "follow the money". 97% of alimony payers are men. Are you more likely to initiate monthly income, or monthly expense? :).
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 05:39 PM
1

This depends a lot on state, not all states treat leaving the house that badly. Talk to a lawyer, ideally multiple. Couple points: - Don't downplay risk of bogus domestic violence accusation. Even if your stbx doesn't seem likely to do that, keep in mind she may be advised to do so by her lawyer. This is routine practice in some states. - Her boyfriend moving in is the best case scenario! In many states it will be seen as cohabitation which will relief you from alimony. And you still get half of…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 01:24 PM
1

I will say you are doing right thing not jumping to action but considering options and risks with cool head first. Calling CPS does seem like the right thing to do on surface, but you have to consider (based on your past experiences) what story your ex may make up. If she's known to own her actions, then call them. If she's known to make things up and turn everything on you, then gather more evidence first. Think how things would play out in court if you are accusing each other - whom will judge…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 12:43 PM
3

Sorry you are going through this. This is a really difficult question probably better answered by a trained therapist, hopefully you have one. My gut feeling says that the best would be not be alone first few nights. Either ask somebody to sleep over or go to somebody's else house, if logistics permits. Also you can't go wrong with exercise.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 03:12 AM
1

This is a really tough one, I spoke to several lawyers (NJ) and their opinions vary a lot. There seems to be too evils to pick from: - If you file while still in the house, once your wife is served, she will start calling lawyers. Many lawyers will advise her to make a false domestic violence claim and getting restraining order, which will result in you being thrown out of house with minutes notice and very hard time getting any of your things later. - If you leave before filing, false domestic …
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 03:06 AM
2

It doesn't sound strange not wanting to screw over your spouse. It sounds like what a good person does sound. But you don't need court order to do the right thing! Fight to pay as little as possible, and then pay more if you wish, as long as you wish!
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 07:36 PM
2

I spoke with many lawyers and concluded that it's just too expensive to divorce. I'd be paying ridiculous amount of money every month till I retire, (or longer, if she successfully contests my retirement petition). It's very questionable if I would get any relief in case of layoff/being unable to find comparable pay, major sickness, etc. Everything has price. I did similar math and the cost of freedom is beyond what I can afford. While it's not great to suffer daily abuse by a serial cheater, at…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 07:15 PM
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