To_Shrug Archive

Upvotes	Title	Category	Author	Subreddit	Date (UTC)
7	A HUGE thank you and a question.		To_Shrug	/r/Divorce_Men	10/04/23 09:14 PM

Upvotes	Comment on	Subreddit	Date (UTC)
3	Trade house for retirement assets - how to structure arrangement? This is not ideal - obviously. However, if you are the guy doing the math - do what you can to keep the ROTHs first. That is the most valuable money you have. With regards to the house, you really don't want both of your names on it after the divorce. If she is just after the payments (and no spousal support), maybe she could get a HELOC using the home's value and pay off the mortgage. That will keep everything in her name. Then just calculate the payment on the 200k mortgage and make payments u…	/r/Divorce_Men	12/11/24 09:23 PM
3	How Do You Cope? (2 Years Out) I am sorry you are going through this! However, I have GREAT news, you are lovable. The bad news, which you are well aware of, is you made a mistake and married poorly - a LOT of us here can relate and made the same mistake. But, you are lovable. It sounds to me like you have some work to do on self image. Again, a LOT of us here have had to rebuild our internal love after divorce. Its a tough road, but its very doable. Do your best to remind yourself that what matters is how you view yourself. …	/r/Divorce_Men	25/10/24 06:41 PM
2	The rings If they are valuable, I had a buddy sell them on poshmark and got a couple 1,000 back. I didn't get her ring in the divorce, but I wish I would have asked for it. Oh well.	/r/Divorce_Men	18/09/24 03:33 PM
1	Am I making a fair settlement offer? Oh, then no problem! A popular alimony support time is 1/3rd the length of the marriage. So, at worst it would be roughly a year and a half of alimony.	/r/Divorce_Men	20/06/24 07:59 PM
1	Am I making a fair settlement offer? That's great on the asset breakdown! Doing that work and knowing exactly what the numbers are will save you a lot of time and discomfort as you now have a truly equal baseline. From what I understand, its not terribly uncommon for them to ask for the moon. I don't recall seeing how long you have been married, just that you've been separated for 5 years. So, you will most likely be obligated to pay alimony (if you were to go in front of a judge). However, you can make any deal you can with her yo…	/r/Divorce_Men	20/06/24 06:05 PM
1	Am I making a fair settlement offer? Wow, some kind of strange comments here. Good for your for wanting to play it equal. Make a spreadsheet and list all the assets and debts. Then put 2 columns you\|her - take the value of the estimated value and half it for both of you. Example below Assets\Debts Value STBX (50%) You (50%) House (300k - Est: 60k equity) 60k 30k 30k Cash 2k 1k 1k Car 1 -38k -19k -19k CC Debt -30k -15k -15k Total: -6k -3k -3k Then total it up and work inside that total to even things up. *If you want to give her the…	/r/Divorce_Men	17/06/24 08:51 PM
5	Shitty way to bring up divorce. I'm so sorry to hear this! Is your wife Japanese? That will probably make a difference on how this will all play out.	/r/Divorce_Men	28/05/24 04:20 PM
3	Feeling sad, so I try to remember the bad times, which were the real times I had a hard time with remembering the good times too. It was difficult to change those thoughts to something else. You don't have to remember good times or bad times... the trick is don't think or remember her at all. It does you no good, its time to move on. It doesn't matter if she is a good, great or awful person - she is no longer apart of your life in the way she once was. I was guided that every time I think about her, I immediately think about something else. Doesn't matter what - just A…	/r/Divorce_Men	28/05/24 04:15 PM
2	It started Dday always has great advice! Read a lot of his stuff. I'm sorry you are going through this! You've found a great resource with this sub - search for anything related to the divorce and read everything on a particular topic prior to doing anything. A very important piece of advice I received here is: "NOBODY CARES AS MUCH ABOUT YOUR DIVORCE AS MUCH AS YOU DO" What that means: your STBX, lawyer, friends, colleagues will all have thoughts on divorce, but none of them can hold a candle to what this…	/r/Divorce_Men	01/04/24 06:03 PM
0	God and Divorce I heard a really good quote the other day that went something like this - "If God doesn't prepare the storm for the man, he prepares the man for the storm". Clearly, paraphrasing here. But, I like the message. If the event isn't reduced/removed/lessened (whatever) for you, you have been prepared to meet this 'storm' head on. Whatever path you are on now, its obviously not one you wanted. Heck, nobody likes hardships, but we endure them and make it out the other side - hopefully stronger than bef…	/r/Divorce_Men	29/03/24 05:11 PM
11	Did I get "too good" of a deal in my divorce? Should I pay her back money she gave to me? Keep reading and listening to what people are writing here. You do NOT need to give her anything else or extra, past what your agreement states! She had an affair!!!!!! Stand your ground!!! If she did a poor job negotiating the divorce agreement, then this is a good lesson for her to pay closer attention next time ;) Oh, and well done!	/r/Divorce_Men	18/03/24 07:19 PM
8	My Rough AM for a new separated guy Brother, I'm so sorry you are having to endure this! Divorce is awful! However, it's important to look at the bright side as well. You have the opportunity to start fresh and get 100% of what you want. Based on your post, she seems to have initiated the divorce. And while I have no idea about your situation, I suspect you noticed the friction between you and your STBX. Perhaps it was something you were willing to endure or perhaps you were just rooted in your fate. Either way, the choice is no l…	/r/Divorce_Men	18/03/24 05:08 PM
5	Struggling 3.5 months in. Divorce sucks, I'm so sorry you are going through this! The toughest lesson I had to learn was, "It takes two people to be married, but only one to be divorced". You don't have a say in this relationship anymore, she seems to be done - fine, time to move on. You have lost a ton of weight, GOOD JOB! Try to find time to hit the gym as well - build some muscle and release some stress! You get to live your life on your own terms now. You don't need to pine after someone who isn't interested in you a…	/r/Divorce_Men	15/03/24 06:08 PM
2	Giving up more than 50% of retirement account Yes, you can arrange the deal anyway where you can get everyone to agree. Get creative! Here is more information about lump sum payments in lieu of alimony. This is a little different situation, but, you can reverse the logic for your situation.	/r/Divorce_Men	15/03/24 05:45 PM
5	When you stop coming here. There are a lot of men that come back and chime in on occasion. Some of the best posts on here were made years ago from people that post fantastic insights here weekly. I think there is a fine line on having too many of these, "I made it out , you can too" posts. I agree they are wonderful to read (and I'm happy to see the successes) however, when men are in the thick of it, its often valuable to focus on the steps to the finish line, and less on the post victory celebration. I say all that only…	/r/Divorce_Men	11/03/24 06:36 PM
7	One year on since being told she wanted a divorce Good lesson to learn early on. Lying gets you nowhere. You don't have to please people, you just have to please yourself. If someone doesn't like you for who you are and what you have (eg: KIDS) then there is no point in pursuing. You can try and recover this by saying something like, "hottie, I was weirdly apprehensive about telling you I had kids the other day in the club. I have no idea why! Anyway, I wanted to clear that up and tell you I do have x kids - they are great! Would you like to gr…	/r/Divorce_Men	01/03/24 09:09 PM
5	One year on since being told she wanted a divorce LOL!	/r/Divorce_Men	01/03/24 09:04 PM
3	Don't give up on being happy Get it brother! I'm so happy to read about your progress! Love to read good news posts here! The hard times SUCK! But, this is a great reminder and example that the hard times get replaced with great times relatively quickly!	/r/Divorce_Men	27/02/24 08:28 PM
0	When Did This Forum Get the Ridiculous Mod? The "influencers" on youtube don't get paid when you consume and receive support on this sub. I suspect many of the youtubers also pull a TON of content/situation/advice from here as well and would rather not have their "audience" find their way over here for real non-commercial support, advice and guidance.	/r/Divorce_Men	23/01/24 06:52 PM
5	Dating post divorce The fizzling conversations are certainly a thing. But, I think that is supposed to happen. If there is nothing there, people disengage and people move on. For me, I've not had much of an issue finding people to date. I'm decent looking and in shape as well. I live in a bigger city too. However, I've adjusted what I'm looking for physically. I don't care if someone is a gorgeous, 115 lbs with curves in all the right places any longer. I'm now much more interested in personality, interests and hum…	/r/Divorce_Men	23/01/24 04:06 PM
2	Lump Sum vs alimony-Update Here is a link to some additional information on the pro/cons & math of the annuity (lump sum) that might be helpful. I went with a lump sum as it made the most sense to me. I received a discount and don't have to pay her every month. There should be a cap on spousal support - like no more than 1k a month, for 2 years. I suspect reducing paydays for women would help tremendously to reduce divorce rates. All of a sudden, there would be no financial incentive to f*ck around!	/r/Divorce_Men	19/01/24 06:29 PM
12	She is apologizing for cheating and begging to withdraw from divorce. We have seen some gentlemen post about the equivalent of a post nuptial. That might be something to consider. Perhaps you could say fine, you want to honestly work on our marriage - "take this agreement to your own lawyer and sign this postnup as it is written - with no changes". You can layout some VERY favorable terms in there to encourage her to act appropriately. If she is earnest in her crying and begging, she will sign, even if her lawyer says this is unfair to her - if she doesn't sign, t…	/r/Divorce_Men	08/01/24 07:57 PM
6	As soon as the ring came off…. Ha, not time to date just yet. File first, be "separated" (physically and emotionally), get divorced then go out and have fun. Prospects are great, you've clearly done a good job keeping yourself in shape. Well done! Life is going to get hard and real during the divorce process. This is the calm before the storm, focus on the storm coming. Then dry yourself off from the storm and enjoy your freedom.	/r/Divorce_Men	05/01/24 04:33 PM
14	Wife asked me to move out this morning… Isn't it funny when they say "I want to stay in the house, so we don't disrupt the kids life"? I WISH i was on my game when I heard that so I could have said, "if you gave a sh*t about our kids lives you wouldn't be asking for a divorce. If you are going to make this request for the house, own the selfishness. If we can't come to an agreement, I'm happy to let a judge decide." Don't leave the house. Record all conversations. SPLIT EVERYTHING 50/50!	/r/Divorce_Men	04/01/24 08:19 PM
3	2 years passed the split, still very low sex drive, T count is good, anyone have experience? I would say overall passion has kicked up quite a bit! However, we are comparing being in a long marriage, that was lacking passion to hitting the streets (aka the apps), receiving more attention than I deserve and being with ladies where there is intense physical attraction. Its been a ton of fun! Variety is indeed the spice of life.	/r/Divorce_Men	02/01/24 09:29 PM
2	2 years passed the split, still very low sex drive, T count is good, anyone have experience? Its funny, I had my T count tested as well with similar issues. Mine came in at 450ish. "normal... but low". I decided to go ejaculation free to let my body reset. Roughly 2-3 months cold turkey. It wasn't difficult as my desire was non-existent at the time and I don't look at porn. I found the longer I went without, the less I desired the release. In my head, the way I rationalized the decision was using the example of having an orgasm with a women. After I'm done, my desire for another is very…	/r/Divorce_Men	02/01/24 06:46 PM
2	The Gym is NOT the Answer for Everyone…and Could Even be Dangerous… Exactly, we all have different definitions for hitting the gym. I typically recommend "working out" in most posts where I reply. I suspect most people who read that "recommendation" first make a decision to give it a try... or not. If they decide to "workout", I also suspect there is an understanding that they start where they are - and not some high level HIT training if they are 200 lbs overweight and have never been in the gym. While I was early in my divorce process, "working out" involved b…	/r/Divorce_Men	02/01/24 06:09 PM
2	Telling me I'm Impatient. I'm sorry you are going through this. Gas lighting is stupid. The premise is somebody talking you into thinking something is true when its obviously not. Trust yourself and your rational mind! Go black in white when you get confused, throw out gray options out and make decision based on hard facts. If she doesn't understand things, boil everything down to black and white and discuss those. You can talk to her about your feelings and the lack of emotional connection you are having during intimate…	/r/Divorce_Men	27/12/23 04:50 PM
6	Walked away from my wife and her daughter Give your folks some grace there. They are probably just trying to assure your STBX that you are okay (and alive). Lean on the ones you trust right now (your parents), you aren't going to be thinking super clearly at the moment. No decision needs to be immediate. Filter big choices through the sub if you feel the need. You have a ton of men routing for you and understand your current pain! The pain will be around for a little while, but it WILL get better. You got this!	/r/Divorce_Men	27/12/23 03:27 PM
3	Sad, just sad This is a fantastic and balanced point! It does indeed suck for us as men. However, we have lived our lives, we've been single before, we lived on our own and thrived. Sadly, our kids don't have that life experience from which to draw. They only know mom and dad - together, taking care of them. Focusing on the kids is the goal! (not saying that it won't be hard for us to cope and that we shouldn't take time to make posts like this to vent - that's important too) We must be strong for the kids, s…	/r/Divorce_Men	27/12/23 03:20 PM
7	Moving closer to divorce. Just can't live this way anymore. The porn is an excuse. Don't carry that guilt. She has watched porn herself - you can't help but see it on TV. Most all of the popular HBO shows have people having sex on camera. Its everywhere and she is being a hypocrite if she assigns blame to you for watching (practically) the same thing as you. As an aside, stop looking at porn. You don't need it, and the longer you go without it, the less you will desire it. It sounds like you guys are active in church. If that's the case, it might be time…	/r/Divorce_Men	22/12/23 09:24 PM
1	Heading to meet an attorney that Brother, I'm so sorry to hear about the cancer (and the divorce)! This is a tough spot and I'll let those who are more knowledgeable offer advice. But, know that I'm cheering for you on this end. Its not a bad idea to sit down and figure out what you want as well. Do you want the house? Do you want to sell the house? Do you want spousal support (if available to you, take it!!!!)? Are you willing to go to a judge for a verdict? Do you want to settle? Do you think you'll need to use a third part t…	/r/Divorce_Men	22/12/23 03:49 PM
3	Second week of divorce Oh, I remember those awful tricks my mind would play on me during sleep. You have a dream about a happy time with the family, think its real, wake-up and realize that things still suck. A common phrase is: you can't negotiate desire. Go ahead and internalize that. She is done, she wants out, fine - her loss! A fantastic quote that I used to help inspire me during that time was from Atlas Shrugged (read it from your perspective). If you saw Atlas, the giant who holds the world on his shoulders, i…	/r/Divorce_Men	22/12/23 03:30 PM
2	Trying to balance what's best for the kids and what the lawyer is telling me So, one of the phrases you'll read here is you can't negotiate desire. If she isn't interested anymore, then fine - her loss. The home is only a big deal if you let it be a big deal. Its best to listen to your lawyer and allow them to push for a sale - done, not a big deal anymore for you. All of a sudden, its out of your hands. If your STBX gives you crap about it, say, my lawyer has advised me this is the most fair solution for both of us. Then end the conversation. You don't have to argue wit…	/r/Divorce_Men	21/12/23 09:12 PM
7	Anyone else? You aren't alone in being hurt. We all deal with the trauma of divorce in different ways. Clearly, you default to an introspective and introverted position to cope. It seems like you have made some real strides and have determined you don't like the results of this particular coping mechanism - good. Then its time to change the way you do things now. Its unfortunate your family isn't more available. Perhaps try scheduling a call with them (mom, dad, brother, sister - whoever) and say you'd like …	/r/Divorce_Men	21/12/23 09:02 PM
1	Trying to balance what's best for the kids and what the lawyer is telling me Giving up your home is a tough pill to swallow, and it puts you at a huge disadvantage if you allow her to keep it. Don't allow the argument, "continuity is good for the kids - they need their house" to sway you. You put yourself in an impossible position with the kids if she gets to keep your home. "Home" is where they have lived with you and their mom. That label is not an easy one to change, and the weight and familiarity "home" carries is massive. Divorce sucks, as you know. You are not goin…	/r/Divorce_Men	21/12/23 08:36 PM
1	I still feel extreme shame and humiliation. I really think my life might be over. Yes, exactly this! You are in a tough spot, but all you can do is either move forward or stand still. Standing still sucks. Its time to really work on forgetting about what she did and the pain she caused you (that takes time). Many of us know the pain well. Its awful, but its temporary if you let it be temporary. Don't dwell on her or the situation. When you realize you are thinking about her or the situation, immediately think about something else - anything... sports, investing, games, work -…	/r/Divorce_Men	21/12/23 07:47 PM
1	21K Subscribers! Thank you to the mods and members who have made this a literal, lifesaving sub. I hate that we are here, but relieved we aren't alone. A special thanks to all of you who have remained active long after your divorce! Truly, your knowledge and wisdom shared has impacted so many of us and kept us pointed in the right direction!	/r/Divorce_Men	18/12/23 09:16 PM
2	Do you Wonder if She Thinks of You? AWESOME!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!	/r/Divorce_Men	07/12/23 07:28 PM
1	Re-entering Dating Scene Dating is easy now. The apps have made it simple to find and meet interested ladies that you would have never met in your day to day outings. Be excited, have fun and you'll do great. Your goal should be focusing on getting to know the ladies you're with, not trying to score. In fact, give yourself a few dates before you try for a kiss. Just chat and tell jokes and have FUN! (FUN IS KEY!) You are going to need practice, and its going to feel super weird flirting with someone other than the lady …	/r/Divorce_Men	15/11/23 02:06 PM
4	I've just asked my wife for a separation. What should I do now? Prepare yourself, this is going to be hard - even if you are the one initiating. Start making time to workout! That will help with any sleep troubles (you need to sleep). Eat well, your appetite may be affected - so that might take some effort. Don't move out. Its expensive and can cause issues that Gattsama mentioned above. It might be necessary for you to record your conversations with your STBX from here forward. Check to ensure you're in a one party consent state first. I'm sorry you're goin…	/r/Divorce_Men	07/11/23 03:29 PM
1	Need help making sense of things I think I'd start with language. Perhaps you can ask their mom to speak in English to the kids during the calls? Just for your own piece of mind.	/r/Divorce_Men	07/11/23 03:19 PM
1	Married and trapped LOL! I get it. However, as a sub we can often be an echo chamber of promoting divorce. Many of us didn't have an opportunity to work on things. Had we, many of us would have happily chosen to try and find a resolution prior to causing extreme difficulty for our kids and splitting our wealth through divorce. You may have come from a different situation - which I understand as well. But, its never, ever "the worst advice" to try and turn things around if theres a chance.	/r/Divorce_Men	06/11/23 05:19 PM
3	Married and trapped So, lets start here. First, I'm sorry your going through this. If you've been on this sub for any period of time you'll know that divorce sucks! Avoid it at all costs. Blowing up your life and losing half your stuff and wealth is rough. Second, talk to your wife. Tell her you're sad how the relationship has evolved and that you want to work on it. Be kind, and understanding. Go into the conversation with concern and appreciation for what you have, what you have had and what you want. Don't talk …	/r/Divorce_Men	02/11/23 06:39 PM
2	2am, might as well tell my story This might be the time to work on your marriage. Divorce sucks. If you can avoid it, do it. You didn't mention conversations with your wife regarding couples therapy. That might be worth a try. Don't throw in the towel until you've tried everything. Walk up to your wife and give her a kiss. Give her a hug and say, lets go out to dinner or lets go do something together. Talk about how things are now and how you would like them to change. Say things like, I miss... blah blah. Don't give any indica…	/r/Divorce_Men	01/11/23 07:30 PM
4	Separated for a 5 days Its hard right now! You are in the very, VERY early days. Right now everything is going to hurt. You can make it through this, but you need to give yourself some grace. This is going to suck, prepare and accept that. Right now you need to workout, eat well and SLEEP! All of those things are necessary. Do what you can to get by at work. Hopefully you have a boss that is familiar with divorce. You are not going to win employee of the year in 2023. Accomplish work tasks and coast as much as you can…	/r/Divorce_Men	01/11/23 07:23 PM
22	Tiktok... LOL!!! Oh that's hilarious! Good for you brother! You have the perfect attitude here - sit back and watch the fireworks.	/r/Divorce_Men	01/11/23 06:57 PM
1	Steps to Get Over It This video is FANTASTIC! Thank you for sharing! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0GQSJrpVhM	/r/Divorce_Men	24/10/23 08:09 PM
6	Kramer vs Kramer Exactly... at least she owned up to it! "It's not you, it's me" - are words you would never hear now.	/r/Divorce_Men	20/10/23 02:00 PM
3	Too Soon to Start Dating? Yes, 35ish isn't too old at all. You have a ton of life yet to live. Go forth, date and get to know some females. A lot of ladies in the world would love to meet you! Saving yourself for marriage is an admirable trait. Of course, you've already been married... so, I'd say you are free to explore when you're ready ;) The important thing to do is to get to know ladies. Like really know them. Find the traits you like and more importantly, learn the traits you don't like in ladies. You have a great …	/r/Divorce_Men	18/10/23 01:48 PM
2	Too Soon to Start Dating? You clearly have the heart of a poet! My only comment is - be careful. You certainly understand the power of love, and have done some deep thinking on the topic. Don't be to anxious that your quest for love leads you down the wrong path. Its a vicious world out there, and a lot of ladies will happily exploit that poets heart, rip it out of your chest and start chanting while it sets aflame in their hand ;) [Indian Jones]	/r/Divorce_Men	18/10/23 01:36 PM
6	Too Soon to Start Dating? We have all been warned, rightly, to avoid dating and to get our life re-centered around us. I think this makes a lot of sense for many. But, I don't think its a 100% blanket rule for all. And, 1 year is really an arbitrary time period anyway. You might be a man that doesn't desire to be isolated and confined to self improvement. You have been in limbo for 34 months! You should be pretty well adjusted by now. 1 year is probably a good rule of thumb for many. But its not for all. If you don't thi…	/r/Divorce_Men	17/10/23 08:49 PM
5	Watching my marriage decay into nothing This exactly. Divorce sucks! However, it sounds as if its not your choice. If that's the case, the old adage is, it takes 2 to be married but only 1 to get a divorce. In that case, you wish her well, and send her on her way. You can negotiate desire. If her desire to married to you is indeed gone, then such is life. Send her back home and cross your fingers you don't have to pay alimony. She might be anxious to leave the relationship and just wants to go back to Korea (SCORE!). But, the importan…	/r/Divorce_Men	17/10/23 08:39 PM
1	Soon to be Divorced, Now out of work I don't know the legal side of it, but conversationally, would it not benefit you to disclose you are unemployed? A common phrase here is - you can't squeeze blood out of a stone. If you have no money coming in from a job, does that not reduce you ability to pay things like alimony? However, if your position is that you'll easily be able to find a new job with a similar compensation package, and you wish to keep your severance package to yourself... then don't say a thing. This package is separa…	/r/Divorce_Men	17/10/23 02:43 PM
2	To keep the family home? You are going to feel better once you don't see her anymore. You can make the house work, just need to make new memories. Housing prices are inflated right now and interest rates are high. If you already have a house that is working for you, let your STBX deal with those problems. You have enough stuff to worry about. MOVING SUCKS!	/r/Divorce_Men	10/10/23 06:38 PM
6	Dating again ? Yes! Good for you! Go out and have fun. Its a lunch date, so its easy. Be funny, ask engaging questions. Try and add humor. Just a ton of small talk / get to know you kinda crap. Where you from, how long have you been here. Have you been to any fun places recently. Where would you like to travel to. Have you been to blah, blah. At the end of the lunch, you can pay to keep it easy. Then say, hey, this was fun, lets do dinner this weekend (if you are so inclined). *i was speed reading your first s…	/r/Divorce_Men	10/10/23 06:23 PM
2	Rough Night You're on the right path, and bad days come and go. I think that's just life. But, it might be time to get on a dating app and make some new friends. I'm not talking about sex, i'm talking about dating ladies. Going out, having fun, flirting and enjoying the company of someone you find attractive. We have all been warned, rightly, to avoid dating and get our life re-centered around us. I think this makes a lot of sense for many. But, I don't think its a 100% blanket rule for all. And, 1 year is …	/r/Divorce_Men	10/10/23 04:09 PM
2	Rough Night Its time to find some distractions. Go for a walk, get into the gym, watch a movie, find a hobby! You have to occupy your time and just keep moving forward during those hard nights/days/weeks. Do you live in a big city?	/r/Divorce_Men	09/10/23 02:40 PM
10	It’s done Brother, I'm sorry you're going through this! (i've been saying that a lot recently) It's time to make her the villain in your story. You say she is a Christian? Did she have biblical grounds to divorce you? I'm going to go out on a limb and say she didn't. Lets keep going, what kind of God fearing woman breaks up a marriage (with vows to God) without even trying to seek a resolution? You are as released from her as you can be in this life. I know its hard to let her go, but you have two choices…	/r/Divorce_Men	21/09/23 06:06 PM
4	Deep in the process and no one else to talk to. Brother, I'm sorry you're going through this! Eat well, work out and sleep (a children's chewable dramamine can help 1 or 2 times a week). That might be worth a try. You have to sleep! That's great that you have a church for support. However, given the topic is divorce and not, for example, some sickness, I'm sure it can be awkward to speak with the congregation and find much help. That's great that you found this sub. Many of us have been there. Read and search through this sub - there is truly…	/r/Divorce_Men	21/09/23 05:49 PM
2	Partners regret post seperation Only she knows why she was crying. It could be that she found out she has cancer or got herpes from one of her new "friends". It could be she slammed her finger in the door and it hurt really badly. Doesn't matter. It sounds like you are doing GREAT! Keep it up!! Don't think/worry about her. She made her bed, let her lie in it.	/r/Divorce_Men	21/09/23 02:23 PM
1	Car payment It sounds like you are still working on the settlement agreement. $950 is a ton of money for a car payment. I would not continue to pay and would trade it in and downgrade it for something more affordable. Encourage her do that in her name so you aren't apart of it.	/r/Divorce_Men	20/09/23 03:36 PM
1	Crazy or just manipulative? LOL! What a weird situation, i'm sorry for you and your daughter. Take a hole punch to all of the condoms - then put them back where you got them from. Start hanging a hat on her peacock "artwork". Or, just ask her "what are you doing"? She'll say "with what", tell her "um, with the sign next to the condoms you've stocked up on and the dildo artwork". She'll say something like, "i'm just expressing my creativity". Then you can say, "oh - great, are you going to start doing Amber Heard things as …	/r/Divorce_Men	20/09/23 03:32 PM
21	How do you keep your head up when she’s doing so well and your life is a mess because you invested everything on her? I'm sorry you're going through this! It's probably best to focus on the most important part of this story - the part where she morphed into a different creature. She changed, it ended (for whatever reason) and its time to really move on. Its important not to judge your single life against your married life. Married life is gone, single life is here. Focus on making the single life you have the best it can be. I know it sucks to have the occasional reminder that she still exists (stupid post offi…	/r/Divorce_Men	19/09/23 02:55 PM
7	Support Court Date Today I don't have any experience with this side of the process, but I wanted to say good luck today! Let us know how it goes.	/r/Divorce_Men	19/09/23 02:26 PM
3	Ex’s new partner ruining our amicable co-parenting by slandering me. Good for you for not immediately hitting him after you saw that facebook crap! I'm sure that took some restraint!	/r/Divorce_Men	19/09/23 01:25 PM
7	How did you survive your first 2 months after a separation? Yup! Gym, eat healthy (I know it can be hard to find an appetite, but eat well), sleep! That's what you need right now. After divorce, I got a an apartment (she got the house), I got a robotic vacuum, new clothes, continued working out and learned to cook. This part SUCKS! Well, all of divorce sucks, but, you can get through it! The hardest question you need to ask yourself now is, "what do I want?" That will take time, nobody knows what will make them happy after their world and plans for the f…	/r/Divorce_Men	18/09/23 06:38 PM
2	Wardrobe Thanks again for the recommendations. Looks like the polos are nice as well. Which do you wear AO or COZ? Is the PYCA Pro a performance, moisture wicking fabric? Like workout clothes? LOL - I sleep in comfy cotton shorts and a t-shirt. Can't imagine buying fancy clothes just for bed.	/r/Divorce_Men	14/09/23 08:35 PM
2	Wardrobe henleys in black, gray, blue etc. from CUTS I had never heard of a henley or the company CUTS before. The AO Long Sleeve Henley Elongated - looks sharp! I'll get one of those... thanks for the recommendation! Anything else I need that I didn't know I needed?	/r/Divorce_Men	14/09/23 07:55 PM
2	Getting through the holidays solo for the first time Good for you! All you have is yourself to please now. That's the trick though, figuring out what makes you happy. That does take some work and self reflection.	/r/Divorce_Men	14/09/23 07:47 PM
1	Getting through the holidays solo for the first time I'm going into November and December with new eyes. We can't look back at what we had, that's gone. Its time to make new memories with the kids or by yourself. I get that its easy to get sucked into feeling bad for yourself and this horrible situation that she put you into. However, do you really want your new single memories of the holidays to just be sadness? As Bluto said: "Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!" Its time to decide ou…	/r/Divorce_Men	14/09/23 06:31 PM
1	Wardrobe This is a good idea, let's share some style tips. Nice looking jeans, a button down dress shirt (that fits) - [sleeves rolled up] and some brown leather dress shoes; has become my uniform. Shirt can be untucked or tucked - with a leather belt that matches my shoes. I like Charles Tyrwhitt non-iron shirts and Allen Edmond leather dress shoes. Nice watch with a leather band that matches my brown shoes and belt. Charles Tywhitt always has sales - 3 shirts for $100. Its a good deal for a quality shi…	/r/Divorce_Men	14/09/23 03:30 PM
1	Any good post-divorce book recommendations? Some of the popular books used by men after divorce are: No More Mr Nice Guy - Glover The Rational Male - Tomassi Frame - Stone Models - Manson I also liked: Rebuilding - Fisher & Alberti	/r/Divorce_Men	07/09/23 07:59 PM
3	Wife is divorcing me, what now? I'm sorry you're going through this! Doesn't sounds like you have kids, which is great. She most likely has a job then, which is also great! If those 2 things are true, this won't be that bad for you. I mean, divorce sucks, but it could be a lot worse. If you can still talk with your STBX, you can tell her you'd like to keep this as low conflict and as close to uncontested as possible. That will be ideal as it will save you money. First, you need to do a ton of reading/searching on the sub. Ther…	/r/Divorce_Men	07/09/23 07:37 PM
4	Ozempic, weight loss and divorce Let me take the opposite side of this, just for balance. Divorce SUCKS and will cost you a sh$t ton more than 1k a month. In fact, you'll probably pay significantly more than that monthly if you end up divorced - plus lose half of everything. It might be best to chat with your wife about this issue again. Something like, "I understand you like the immediacy of this drug to help you drop a few pounds. I think its great that you want to do this (and I think you look great), but lets just use it to…	/r/Divorce_Men	07/09/23 06:21 PM
1	Dogs are great company We all have different ways of coping! If dogs are the key for you, fantastic! I do miss having a dog, but I have to remind myself that (at this moment) I value my ability to go anywhere without the hassle or guilt of leaving a dog alone at home.	/r/Divorce_Men	07/09/23 05:55 PM
1	Dogs are great company The only thing about pets after divorce is they make it an extra step if you intend to travel. All of a sudden, you have the freedom to do whatever you want, don't tie yourself to your home until you've considered arrangements for the pets while you are away. Also, puppies are no joke and require time and effort (which might be just what you need after divorce).	/r/Divorce_Men	07/09/23 03:34 PM
3	My ex wife ain’t shit Yikes! Good for you you went with your gut regarding not going into the house! That would have potentially set off a chain of events that would have been hard to recover from! Many good lessons here, my favorite is: listen to your gut!	/r/Divorce_Men	07/09/23 02:17 PM
4	Sock day Keep your head-up! Its hard to feel happy, this part kinda sucks. Even if you wanted it, you just spent a sh$t ton of money and lost half (i'm guessing). However, you have gained a lot through this loss. You are no longer bound to somebody that fooled you into thinking she would never be the kind of person to get a divorce. Or someone that would always be loyal. I have no idea about your story, but I'm throwing out some educated guesses. Keep working out, eating well and getting sleep. You need …	/r/Divorce_Men	06/09/23 07:29 PM
3	Walk Away Wife Ugh... You clearly have a handle on this, but as someone who has gone all the way through this shit show, I'm sorry! Remember, learn everything you can about the process and the law. Nobody cares more about your divorce than you (including your lawyers or STBX).	/r/Divorce_Men	06/09/23 04:16 PM
3	Walk Away Wife Your still in the divorce process then? Or is she saying this after you have already divorced?!	/r/Divorce_Men	06/09/23 01:15 PM
6	Walk Away Wife Yup. I think quite a few of us have been through this. Brother, I'm sorry your having to endure this. It takes two to be married but only 1 to get divorced. It sucks, we know. They rewrite history, all of a sudden you are the reason for all of her unhappiness. Its so hard, but it's time to move on. One foot in front of the other - its going to take some time. Get into the gym - working our will serve you well. You'll get fit, releases oxytocin during the workout to make you feel better during th…	/r/Divorce_Men	05/09/23 06:41 PM
3	I feel like my life is ruined forever and I just want to stop living. I'm sorry you're going through this! This is a super difficult time... probably the hardest you'll ever experience. It sucks, there are many of us on this sub that completely understand and walked the same path you are on right now. You are fortunate to have found this sub and a community of men that are happy to help. Again, most of us here have been down this similar road and know the trials you're experiencing. The good news is, you're life isn't over, however your relationship is. But, your …	/r/Divorce_Men	01/09/23 08:31 PM
11	She moved out. I agree. Keep it civil, keep it quick, keep it cheap. She left the home, good. You're in a better position... moving out sucks and is expensive. Get with a lawyer quickly and tell them you are looking to do this with no contention and would like as close to a no-contest divorce as possible. (you don't know what your STBX is going to do yet) Drive the process, read and learn as much as you can. Nobody (including your lawyer or STBXW) cares as much about your divorce as you do. I'm sorry you're go…	/r/Divorce_Men	29/08/23 04:24 PM
1	How did you move out? So, apartments are expensive. Your home, with two incomes supporting the mortgage is going to be significantly more affordable than moving out. I would plan on staying in the house until you either sell the house, decided to keep the house or she buys you out. Either way, don't leave - it costs a ton to move out. Besides, you are still going to be responsible for your portion of the mortgage + your new rent. Record your time at home (on your phone) to protect yourself from false DV claims.	/r/Divorce_Men	25/08/23 03:53 PM
3	Divorce happens little by little and then all at once Great comment and awesome perspective! This was her, before she even got her job and started hanging out with that group! She "cheated" (physically or emotionally) - either way, she is trash and its better to have her our of your life. As hard as it might be, count it all joy that you're done with her and moving on!	/r/Divorce_Men	24/08/23 06:11 PM
3	Divorce happens little by little and then all at once This story sounds very familiar! Women change, and when the change happens, it often plays out like your scenario. I swear, they read a book or a forum post, realize they can blame their unhappiness on you - cause you know, you're a narcissist, manipulative and controlling ;) I'm sorry you went through this! Great job with the weight loss! Keep that up and continue to find happiness outside of relationships with women.	/r/Divorce_Men	24/08/23 05:44 PM
1	I married a foreign woman in a foreign country (I am homesick) Great advice here... just come to the USA on vacation. Find some fun hobbies wherever you are and do those to keep you occupied. Don't divorce your wife because you don't like the place you're living right now. At one point, you thought this new country was great! So great that you moved there permanently, found a lady and GOT MARRIED! You've made commitments, keep them.	/r/Divorce_Men	23/08/23 03:22 PM
9	My brain stopped working! I need help figuring my life Yep, you're being an asshole. You know what you're doing is wrong and you've come to the internet to seek validation. You aren't going to find it here. Do the right thing, call it off with you affair partner today. DO NOT ASK PERMISSION FROM YOUR WIFE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR! If you truly don't value your wife at all anymore, ask for a divorce, move on and let her move on as well.	/r/Divorce_Men	22/08/23 08:25 PM
2	How are you guys able to live alone? I've been in my own place for a little while now. I've noticed that I'm much more independent and less reliant on companionship than I was when I first moved in. Try and remember what it was like when you first moved in by yourself. I'm sure, you are much "better" than you were when you left. Small gains are hard to notice, but a gain is a gain! Keep getting more comfortable with yourself. You were once a single guy, you've done it before and you can do it again!	/r/Divorce_Men	22/08/23 06:11 PM
3	Recs for Books about Divorce for Men? I don't know about that... a bit more depth in the books then the sub. However, you certainly get a lot of the major points of betterment from the sub! Personally, I found it very helpful to read (I listened to all these books on audible) to have the messages and themes engrained into my psyche.	/r/Divorce_Men	22/08/23 03:42 PM
7	Found out my wife was continuing to have an affair with her coworker after I forgave her. Oh man, I'm sorry! First, don't focus on destroying her. That isn't going to get you anywhere. Focus your energy towards moving on and being free of this cheater. You are in SC, the state sucks for divorce. Your state has a 1 year waiting period. However, since you have proof of adultery, you can can expedite the process and get it done in a couple months. Moving out of the house may feel like the right move, but it's often not. Think about that before you start leaving and consider asking her t…	/r/Divorce_Men	22/08/23 03:29 PM
3	Recs for Books about Divorce for Men? I don't know about "lots of books" focused on men's divorce. However, some of the popular books used by men during divorce are: No More Mr Nice Guy - Glover The rational Male - Tomassi Frame - Stone Models - Manson I also liked: Rebuilding - Fisher & Alberti	/r/Divorce_Men	22/08/23 01:50 PM
1	Saw Her For The First Time In A Couple Weeks Brother, I'm sorry! But good for you for starting to get over her! I know this discomfort well. When I have to see my ex, its miserable. I hate having to email her, seeing her is even worse! Last time I saw her (kid drop off) I looked at her a maximum of 1 second. That was the maximum amount of looking at her I could muster. (although, I do hope that I can look at her someday and feel nothing) Your metaphor to the scarlet letter is so good. I feel this a TON! I'm looking forward to getting to a …	/r/Divorce_Men	18/08/23 07:09 PM
5	Prenup signed under "duress" You didn't go into the reason why you are divorcing... that perhaps is why people are a little curious. In most cases, the idea is the prenup is there to protect you from this very scenario. When you got married, you clearly considered this. In fact, you went to extra expense and hardship to protect your assets from this woman. However, now you're considering walking back this protection. You say its to protect your kids? Sadly your kids are going to be children of divorced parents either way. Y…	/r/Divorce_Men	18/08/23 06:30 PM
4	How to have less divorces That is so true! When I read and respond to "should I get divorced posts" I always take the opposite side and suggest working on the relationship first - and divorce as an absolute last option. Divorce SUCKS for you, your wife and your kids. It's expensive and traumatic. However, divorce is often purported as the quick fix and the easy way out. It's really unfortunate. Now, I say that, but if the b*tch is cheating and you have evidence, divorce would be my go to as well. Cheaters cheat, always. …	/r/Divorce_Men	17/08/23 02:45 PM
2	About to start the divorce process, looking for help Ugh... So, a divorce lawyer will help. But, you are probably close to her asking for permanent alimony. Clearly, that's not what you want. Since you caught her cheating, you may want to speak with your lawyer about filing with cause. It may help reduce the alimony you'll be required to pay her... you know, since she cheated on you (so frustrating, I'm sorry).	/r/Divorce_Men	11/08/23 07:51 PM
3	About to start the divorce process, looking for help You didn't say how long you were married. That will make a difference. But, I'm guessing it was a little while since you have a 17 year old kid. So, child support will be easy and short. Alimony is indeed the kicker. I'm sorry! This sucks, but I guess you can be happy you caught her. Hopefully it was early on in her cheating career. She will get half of most things, try and keep as much of the pension as you can - thats valuable passive income. She might be "kind" and not argue with you if you o…	/r/Divorce_Men	10/08/23 05:19 PM
2	I am on the brink of divorcing my "sweet perfect wife" and am being called a bad and terrible person - please help regain my sanity This might be an unpopular opinion, but, before you mention anything about divorce to her, TALK TO HER ABOUT YOUR CONCERNS! Brother, she can't read your mind and has no idea what you're thinking on the inside. Everything you mentioned is behavioral stuff and is correctable. But, only if you address it. You should talk with her about some of her behavior that bothers you. Do it in a kind way, and tell her, that this stuff really is troubling you. The process of divorce SUCKS!!! Losing half your s…	/r/Divorce_Men	10/08/23 03:45 PM
1	401k cashed out for mortgage Good luck! Let us know how it goes. I know this part if TERRIBLE - but its freeing once its over.	/r/Divorce_Men	10/08/23 01:28 PM
3	Rough night. Better yourself. Seriously, if you are up at 2am and absolutely can't sleep - work out. Pushups, sit ups, squats. Make yourself physically tired. I sleep well now at night because I workout hard and my body needs rest (and, I've gone through the hard emotional work of working through the divorce). Divorce is awful, without a doubt. But, it sounds like you can't change this path (or I'm sure you would have already). All you can do now is move forward. When I was going through the really hard emot…	/r/Divorce_Men	10/08/23 01:25 PM
1	401k cashed out for mortgage Yes, a 401k type plan and a QDRO (qualified domestic relation order) allow for her to take ownership of that type of plan and cash out without penalty. However, I believe those types of withdrawals are taxed as regular income for her.	/r/Divorce_Men	09/08/23 07:34 PM
2	Should I leave? So, there seems to be plenty of people that say leave. I'll take the other side just to try and balance things out. First, divorce sucks and should always be the last resort. You say she is faithful, that is a win. There are many men on here that wish our partners would have been faithful. Second, if there is ANY chance to help her see her behavior and make changes, do that first! Marital therapy / individual therapy might be what she needs. She very well may not know the way that she is treatin…	/r/Divorce_Men	02/08/23 02:05 PM
5	Letting go… First, I'm sorry you're going through this! Divorce is very hard! I think time is the most important factor. You can try and remember bad stuff or unhappy feelings, but that is often hard to do when we are spiraling on the loss of what we had. Your mind is going to make you feel bad. Put your mind on other things when those thoughts come-up. Think about ANYTHING else. The great advice you'll read on the sub is to workout, eat right and sleep well. Those are things you can do at once to help. The…	/r/Divorce_Men	21/07/23 02:15 PM
3	Divorcing after almost 15 years I'm sorry you're going through this! This is an extremely hard process. Child support/alimony can only squeeze you so hard. Child support (CS) is a formula, and will take you and your STBX income as the starting point. You might be able to find a calculator for your state online to give you a better starting point. Trying to get a larger portion of custody might be a solution to get your CS lowered. Divorce is a miserable process. But, you can, and will get through it! This is a great community …	/r/Divorce_Men	19/07/23 07:27 PM
3	Let's be honest here. No macho answers, and no judgement. In reality, how many guys here would be happy to get validation from your ex that the divorce was not your fault? I don't know that it makes any difference with regards to blame. However, that's awesome that she told you that! I would imagine it made you feel good for the moment. Really too bad she didn't realize that "over a decade" before! My ex was very hateful, cold, mean, snarky, avoidant, vicious, gold digging and conniving during our divorce. I was civil, kind, understanding, practical, caring and selfless. I don't care if she were to tell me the divorce was all her fault - I already know it was.	/r/Divorce_Men	19/07/23 03:29 PM
1	What are some things you forgot or overlooked in your final agreement? One of the best parts of this group... the depth of knowledge! I only have 1 kid, so I had no idea! That's a good trick for you 2 kid dads.	/r/Divorce_Men	17/07/23 08:29 PM
2	What are some things you forgot or overlooked in your final agreement? Try and get head of household worked into the agreement. It will give you a reduced rate and larger deduction at tax time, and it requires you to spend a majority of the nights with the children (51%). You also both don't want to try and claim it as it can cause an audit (so I hear) - best to let her know the deal in advance. Also if you travel for work, include something formally that says you get makeup time that takes priority over the normal schedule (but is behind holidays or other special …	/r/Divorce_Men	17/07/23 01:53 PM
1	Financial mediation - STBXW asking for "a disproportionate amount of our assets" Very good points! Let me add the best piece of advice that I read. NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR CASE AS MUCH AS YOU DO!!!! - You must drive the lawyers, learn the rules (aka: the law). Here's the trick: Go online to your county superior court records, from there, you should be able to see the agreements that others have made from previous divorces. There is no better way to figure out what is acceptable and what people have done or got and how they breakdown/word then looking at finalized agreements.…	/r/Divorce_Men	17/07/23 01:40 PM
3	Financial mediation - STBXW asking for "a disproportionate amount of our assets" Ugh, I'm sorry you're going through this! Regarding the 400k - while I'm no lawyer, I can say without a doubt, in my situation, that it didn't matter where money came from if it was placed into marital accounts or used for marital expenses. If the 400k was placed into marital accounts or used for the martial home or joint expenses, then the money becomes marital (joint, AKA: your's too). You didn't specify where the money she withdrew from her investment account went or was spent on. But, I like…	/r/Divorce_Men	14/07/23 02:47 PM
3	Over after 34 years of marriage I'm sorry you are going through this! This is hard and will only get more difficult as the process gets rolling. At least your daughter is older and won't be as impacted. You can count that as a blessing. Make certain you eat healthy and try and get some decent sleep. Exercise will help, even when you feel like you don't have the energy to change the channel, MOVE. Walk, lift weights, jog, jumping jacks, sit-ups, pushups... whatever, but you need to get your body moving. Doesn't matter if she is…	/r/Divorce_Men	12/07/23 08:37 PM
6	Crushed Agreed - Don't let it go on too long to settle things up, if you can avoid it. This is where it gets hard. Most likely, you'll get a 50/50 split of assets. Hopefully, you get a 50/50 split for the kids. (your kids need a father as much as they need a mother in their lives) Since she is pretty much a SAHM, you'll be on the hook for some alimony. My state is 1/3 the length of the marriage (round down) - so 2 years for you. If you can lump sum that amount to reduce the total you have to pay her do …	/r/Divorce_Men	12/07/23 01:14 PM
1	Annoyed in negotiation Keeping with the analogy, show the "negotiation phase of grief" the door. Be sure to throw-in a "don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out". Based on what you said - " its been 9 months since she said she wants a divorce" - it doesn't sound like this is really your call. I'm sure you've heard, it takes 2 people to be married, but only 1 to get a divorce. However, if you can prevent the divorce or there is a chance you can avoid it, I would try and have a conversation with her about it…	/r/Divorce_Men	11/07/23 12:46 PM
1	How much did divorce cost you? I'll add to this super sad (unless you are a divorce attorney) thread. 6 months start to finish and about 35k in lawyer fees. 50/50 custody, 50/50ish asset split. She gets the house, I get the boot. Life could be worse, I could be married ;)	/r/Divorce_Men	07/07/23 07:43 PM
2	I’m 49 going through the divorce- when it’s complete where should I live? I'm choosing to live in an apartment in "the city". Based on what I have seen, everyone in the apartments will be younger than us. However, we will be where life is. Its not about living near single people in their 20s. Its about living near where there are things to do. Its a huge departure from living in the suburbs, but, I think that's what we all need. I don't want to live around families right now, I want to live around people going out and having fun - that's the energy I want from life. A…	/r/Divorce_Men	05/07/23 01:45 PM
4	Vacation with Kids Ugh, I'm sorry! After I first started the process, doing familiar things, without my wife was hard. Going to a mall (or restaurants) and walking though stores we used to walk past or go into together just made me hurt. I think its loneliness. I have found, time and repetitions have made the hurt subside. Keep at it! The pain/loneliness will diminish. You'll start to only remember times without her. Take tons of pictures of this happy vacation. You're going to have some pictures in frames to repl…	/r/Divorce_Men	30/06/23 07:05 PM
3	Cancer I am so sorry!	/r/Divorce_Men	29/06/23 08:13 PM
2	Over a month now. I'm sorry you're going through this! A little over 2 months into it during this split. Clearly there is a pattern here. It sounds like it's time to break free of this pattern thats causing you pain and agony. Try not to worry about her making you out to be the bad guy - nobody will care either way in a few months. Tell your story if you feel like it, if you don't, don't worry about it. None of the people that judge you matter. Loosing the stuff is hard, but loosing kids would be harder. Keep tho…	/r/Divorce_Men	29/06/23 08:05 PM
1	Lonely now as I was then. Let us know how it goes! Have fun!	/r/Divorce_Men	23/06/23 02:06 PM
1	Lonely now as I was then. Who knew hiking was such a thing? Apparently, its "the past time"! I see tons of groups on meetup dedicated to hiking. Weird. I do wish we had branches of this sub on meetup where us like minded men could organize and get together.	/r/Divorce_Men	22/06/23 06:22 PM
2	How do I gain the courage? Frankly, divorce sucks and is clearly the last resort option. However, if there is nothing more you can do to save your marriage, then pull the plug. If you do decide to make the divorce decision, it will be awful for everyone - you, your STBX and your kids... for awhile. However, if you are already in an awful situation, then divorce might be the simplest solution for you. Your wife will most likely be fine. Your kids will probably have the most trouble with it. But, I suspect they will be fine…	/r/Divorce_Men	19/06/23 08:59 PM
4	Divorce has been finalized and I decided to look into my ex wife's phone. Now I know, my every thoughts have now been justified. Why do I still feel empty I'm sorry! On the other hand, congratulations! You now have the closure you need to truly move on. How did you get access to your ex's phone? Ladies that are doing shady stuff typically don't let that thing out of their sight.	/r/Divorce_Men	15/06/23 06:14 PM
4	What is my ex up to? (Taxes, Divorce settlement) I'm sorry you are going through this. While I don't have any experience here, I will say that my lawyer has told me several times, they don't know tax law and don't provide tax advice. I wonder why her family court lawyer is making this into a big thing - especially if its an honest mistake. Probably just to rack up billable hours :( If you didn't file your 2021 (or need to revise) and 2022 taxes, you may want to pay for the turbo tax live agent service (or whatever its called). They can help yo…	/r/Divorce_Men	08/06/23 08:26 PM
2	Buy out/sale of marital home I suspect both names are on the title... which is where this becomes a pain. She can't just sell half the house.	/r/Divorce_Men	06/06/23 06:31 PM
3	Buy out/sale of marital home So, that's where it gets tough. If there are assets that can be split to compensate, and everyone gets an equal share, its hard when there are two different opinions. You can make the argument, that this is an emotional response on her part and she just wants to sell the house to hurt you. On the other hand, she can argue, he is trying to give me "retirement accounts" instead of the after tax cash that I would receive from the sale of the home. [if thats the case] To be clear - I use the word "a…	/r/Divorce_Men	06/06/23 03:33 PM
4	No warning at all! YES! My STBX did the same thing. She specifically told me that she was viewing the past through new eyes!?!	/r/Divorce_Men	06/06/23 02:49 PM
2	Buy out/sale of marital home Are you living in the "fixer upper" now? I was told, if there are assets that can be balanced with regards to making everyone equal eg - you get the house, she gets a larger portion of another account, where you both walk away with a similar amount of equity, then you are set. If not, then it become much more difficult. I am surprised that your local market has experienced a downturn? I thought nationally, the real estate market was continuing its rise "to the moon".	/r/Divorce_Men	06/06/23 02:46 PM
1	No warning at all! Fantastically explained. The car analogy works so well! On top of that, the societal narrative that when a marriage fails, its "what did HE do". All such BS! I suspect I will re-read your post until its memorized. Great job, keep sharing your perspectives, they are solid and super illustrative!!!	/r/Divorce_Men	06/06/23 02:36 PM
2	Dads, how far do you live from your children? Roughly 10 miles - 30-45 minutes depending on traffic. I'm surprised by everyone being able to live so close! Or maybe just the people that live really close are the only ones that responded?	/r/Divorce_Men	06/06/23 01:32 PM
5	Divorce You will make it through this because you have to! Its really boils down to just 2 choices, you either move on and better yourself... or you don't and wallow in self pity and sadness forever. It hurts a lot right now, most of us on this sub have been in that same spot. We understand and are all here to help. You will read a lot of great, practical advice on this sub like - work out, read no more mr nice guy, eat healthy, don't drink... But, the first thing you have to do (if this is fresh) is mo…	/r/Divorce_Men	31/05/23 01:10 PM
2	Not moving out - idea of what to expect? I bet a rental contract will be coming quickly once the process starts... I would be concerned about the "rent" going up after you moved out (and you having to pay more). Clearly, keep copies of the rent checks so you can show history of the actual rate (if it becomes an issue).	/r/Divorce_Men	30/05/23 07:56 PM
3	I'm losing the only family I have. I can't afford therapy and don't have anyone, while she has a great family to support her. Honestly, thinking of ending it. For most of us it didn't get easier, we just became harder men What a great comment! That is my favorite verse too! I like the ESV version of Romans 5:3-5 a little better though: "Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame"	/r/Divorce_Men	18/05/23 01:19 PM
2	Acceptance Well done! When I find myself doing my woe is me crap, I remind myself of the options. Either: 1.) Accept what is now, let go and move forward. 2.) Feel bad and nothing changes. We all really just have two choices, move forward and better ourselves or wallow in self pity. Let's move forward!	/r/Divorce_Men	08/05/23 08:16 PM
1	A HUGE thank you and a question. Well dang, I didn't know that either! In fact, I don't think I saw a row for alimony on the child support worksheet. I will double check that today, THANK YOU!	/r/Divorce_Men	12/04/23 02:12 PM
1	A HUGE thank you and a question. >>On one side, you want non-modifiable language so she can't come back to the well in 4 years when she has pissed all her money away. But you can't have that and make it modifiable if she cohabitates or remarries. Oh! I thought that it was you can't modify alimony except for her remarrying, living with some guy or death. I didn't realize the non modifiable language was a this or that qualifier. I will have to look more into that. This whole process has sucked! I never wanted to learn any of this…	/r/Divorce_Men	11/04/23 06:09 PM
1	A HUGE thank you and a question. Ha! Yep! I suspect that is where I will end up as well. I'll follow-up in the next few days.	/r/Divorce_Men	11/04/23 03:27 PM
1	A HUGE thank you and a question. Hey! Thank you for all the good work you do here! A lot of your posts have kept me moving along and put me on the right track. I have seen your thoughts on the lump sum flat reduction as well. As one of our friends mentioned above, it has to look good especially if your STBXW doesn't understand the time value of money. With shorter alimony lengths a 35% reduction off the total looks terrible. My STBXW probably won't do much other than say, X > Y(lump sum) and then think, "why would I take less, …	/r/Divorce_Men	11/04/23 03:22 PM
1	A HUGE thank you and a question. Not in CA thankfully! I did add the lump sum as an option, i'll know in a few days if she takes it. I'll update once I know more. For me, I like the idea of getting it done quickly in that I get a discount and she can move on in life. CS is still going to be around, but at least that is only for a few years.	/r/Divorce_Men	11/04/23 03:01 PM
1	A HUGE thank you and a question. Thank you for the detailed information! Determining a fair discount rate is clearly an important part. 2 year treasury is much more inline given the length of alimony i'll be enduring. A great point to you brought up, what is she willing to accept! I would like to keep it fair, but, it has to "look good" on paper as well. I decided to add the lump sum as an option and ended up at a roughly 15% reduction of the total using a 4% discount rate. The length of alimony isn't insane, so this seemed fai…	/r/Divorce_Men	11/04/23 02:54 PM
1	A HUGE thank you and a question. Yeah... apparently the "prime rate" isn't what I should use here - even though it looks great. 2 year treasury seems to be a bit more reasonable (currently at 4%). Thank you!	/r/Divorce_Men	11/04/23 02:45 PM
1	A HUGE thank you and a question. I get that! My feeling, at least currently, is that if i'm dead, she can have all the assets as it will just go to benefit my child. However, I will be adjusting my accounts to default to my child if I do pass. But, as a minor, its going to be managed by someone else anyway.	/r/Divorce_Men	11/04/23 02:43 PM
1	A HUGE thank you and a question. I've heard that as well. I'm not sure what the problem is with offering... a discount is always welcome! Either way, non-modifiable language will be included along with the remarriage, die or cohabitate stuff. I think once that is included, it become unlikely a revision will be possible (as far as I know at least).	/r/Divorce_Men	11/04/23 02:39 PM