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Vokenhagen21 Archive

View 1 post and 172 comments by Vokenhagen21 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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19

RantVokenhagen21/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 03:10 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
3

I think we might have pm'd before. We settled the financial part at the hearing because the judge was a pontificating gasbag. But the sheer number of motions filed by the ex meant the judge wasn't gonna look at shit and lectured us on how to be coparents. My kid had 21 tardies in school this year, al on the ex's time and she tried to blame it on me letting them stay up late. What a farce. Got out with a year of alimony, but it still hits hard. It was fun to see my atty get the ex agitated, but t…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 01:04 AM
2

You had money in your checking account while married? Lol, good for you man. Cheers to new beginnings. I went to trial, i'm divorced but now starting the GAL/CE process, so there is no end in sight. Unfortunately i've had to make some big purchases since the car died, just unavoidable i guess. But i feel you on all the things missed. I live in a small college town, so dating isn't really an option. I still have a few more court dates ahead of me so the money doesn't stop flowing the wrong direct…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 12:46 PM
1

You are going to have to change your mindset. This is talked about all over the place and it doesn't matter. You pay the money and hope for the best. You have no control over what your ex does with it. If a judge asks, your ex will lie through their teeth and there's no way to prove otherwise. Fighting about it will cost you more in the long run.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 03:29 AM
1

Just expect to end up at 50/50. What she does with her money no longer means anything. My ex is basically flat broke, with 1K in her bank account and we both have to fork out 5K for a custody evaluator, and she just spent the last 5 days in vegas. Somebody will probably be paying child support. It is up to your ex and their behavior if you are going to waste money or not. I am, and will continue to waste it because my ex files every motion under the sun. My attorney did not want to stretch anyth…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/26 09:27 PM
2

Do you not want 50/50? Sometimes court is your only option, like in my case. If the "mom" is willing to do 50/50 then it's worth setting that schedule. Fighting in court costs money, it does suck, because i have been there. But at some point it's better to set the 50/50, and let them fail. Then you have evidence why 50/50 won't work. My ex keeps claiming that my work schedule prevents me from doing 50/50, yet childcare is free in my state, and i have a network of numerous people that are willing…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/26 02:51 PM
1

I'll come at this from the other side. My ex got a job as a part time server at a restaurant, she would work random shifts thurs afternoon to sunday. I work a gov't job M-F, and can essentially make my own schedule. They sent over a parenting plan that gave me three friday afternoons to sunday afternoons a month. And two hours a day on tuesday and thursday (this is less than 80/20 custody, and coincidentally makes me a taxi driver for soccer practice). I rejected that in it's entirety, even all …
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 10:08 PM
2

Same man, same. I got assigned and GAL and Custody Evaluator, because it's the only way the ex can possibly get what she wants. Currently, her lawyer sends my lawyer a letter every 4 days saying my lawyer isn't working fast enough. The ex made a car title exchange go through the lawyers, all because she can't keep her mouth shut at an exchange. And we even have a court order to use OFW, but no lets spend more money.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/26 12:57 PM
1

Every case is going to be different based on the particulars of your situation. And a lot depends on what both sides are trying to present. I was painted as an alcoholic who had to be at work everyday at 530 am while also abusing her, my ex presented themself as the primary caregiver. My ex also had filed motions to evict our roomate, for a GAL, therapy for the kids, exclusive use of the home, spousal support, and full custody of the kids. So my temp custody hearing included all pending motions,…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 04:00 PM
2

Last year i got a happy father's day text about a month after getting the first TRO dismissed. Glad i didn't get one this year.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/26 01:19 PM
1

For a temp order, the court places nearly everything on the status quo (they want you in and out). I was divorcing a part time waitress with a 6 and 3 year old, since the 3 year old wasn't in daycare, she kept him and i wouldn't get just the other child from school (even though i wanted to, the kids needed to stay together). At that time, i was getting the kids on friday afternoon (while asking for thursday), ex demanded them back on sundays but i kept them until monday morning. A temp order is …
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/26 03:34 AM
1

Talk to your lawyer about everything, although there may be state law, local jurisdiction prevails and can give judges wide discretion so the law no longer applies. I was married for 4 years at the time of filing, it is now almost 6. Judge gave my ex 1 year of alimony at way less than she wanted, but she admitted in court to working less since the temp orders hearing. Although the general themes are the same, each case can be different because the judge is different.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/26 02:13 AM
1

yeah, pretty much what these other commenters said. If you like have the kids on the weekend, agree to a 4334, not a 4/3, that is just so whe will have more custody. I am currently on the wrong end of a 60/40 schedule where i have the first three weekends of the month. Personally, i think it sucks, but thats because i am missing out on time with the kids, not child support. My ex is a part time waitress, who works fri-sun, i have no idea why not thursday. She loves the current schedule, you want…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 03:39 AM
3

Two TRO's filed against me and filing everything under the sun to prevent 50/50. Ill will, will always be present. It will end forever, but i will tell my children why when they are older.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 01:40 AM
1

Living this now. Didn't avoid court. Four years married and was ordered to pay 1K a month for a year. That won't even come close to what the case has cost for either side, and will still be going back to court because the ex demands i pay her attorney fees. FML
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 12:59 PM
1

Not the commenter but it went absolutely nowhere in 3 hours. My ex initially filed for full custody of the children, and then sent me a parenting plan that gave me less than 80/20. My ex would not move an inch off that proposal, so any more mediation would have been a waste. The mediator even told us the judge could give 50/50 and make us do exchanges every day, i said "good, lets do it". needless to say, still in court after 18 months.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/26 04:51 PM
1

You would think, and the judge just hand waived it all away to the GAL. I am sure one of those court dates will be the ex asking me to pay her atty fees. My only hope is they finally say no, each pays their own. Income discrepancy case law for the loss!
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 05:04 PM
2

yeah man you arent alone, i went to court for a "final hearing" and guess what isn't over? The ex has filed two TRO's (one dismissed and one dropped after getting a TRO on the ex), she's filed 8 motions against me (to my one) since the temp orders hearing almost a year ago. In order to get it over with we settled the financial part (good or bad is up for debate) just so i would stop paying the interim allocation. We got lectured by the judge on how to be better coparents for 3 hours, while we bo…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 12:45 PM
1

This guy knows. There is case law on it out there if your state uses it, it was dorbin v dorbin out of california. For me it was worth it to get in the weeds. Opposing counsel is still trying to screw me over by writing an order with "50% of the marital portion" without defining the marital portion. Just as an example, it probably the difference between paying 200K vs 70K.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/26 12:55 AM
2

This is good, but you are not out of the woods. This just means your ex is not as big an asshole as they could have been. The restraining order is in play, you can file a temp one for any reason. All this means now is it most likely goes in front of the same judge if she files one. If she had filed one before, it could have gone straight to criminal court. Just follow all the advice on remaining calm and not giving the ex any ammo to use in court. Your lawyer will tell you what to fight, but i w…
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 01:51 AM
3

Same story here, with my status still under investigation until the divorce is finalized. Ex was either so dumb or so careless, she did it a second time. I've seen the hearing officer for that more than i've actually seen a judge. Marriage - 0/10 would not recommend unless you like being stomped on.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/26 10:26 PM
1

You are here, in this sub, so know you are not alone. Many men in here have been subjected to what you have, maybe not exactly, but its not far off. Mine took all the savings to pay her lawyers retainer, had me served with a TOP twice, tried to get me arrested in front of the children for violating said TOP. All of these women get off scott free, they are mom/woman and until there are consequences for their actions it's going to stay that way. My divorce isn't done because my ex fights 50/50 eve…
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 08:59 PM
2

That seems pretty typical, i did not realize that is the first motion. It is a giant pain in the ass, but that's family court for you. What you have now is the beginning of your evidence collection of frivolous motions filed by the OP, and it is on the court record. You did not state if the motion was dismissed or not. If you can, get the MSA amended asap to include "any dispute will first be referred for mediation, failing that..." then add the clause i mentioned above. Unfortunately, some peop…
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 05:03 PM
5

If you attorney hasn't, ask for your ex to pay your attorney fees in your responses (possibly Rule 11 sanctions). If you don't have a clause already in your decree, get it amended to add "the loser of any court actions pays the other party's attorney fees". If your ex can't get that through her head, actually being forced to pay your attorney fees will.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 02:18 PM
2

It's being said to get under your skin. You ignore it, your relationship with our son is as strong as you make it (notice i didn't say force it).
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 02:15 PM
2

I think this commenter is pretty spot on. However, depending on the rules of your jurisdiction, primary may or may not matter. The "primary" designation in 50/50 is generally just a title if you have joint decision making. If your address is used for registration purposes (school, etc), the title really has no meaning outside of tax purposes. Then it becomes a "who did the child spend 183 days with (primary doesn't matter)?" to the IRS. The decree won't mean anything to them. If she really, real…
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 01:57 PM
2

Appreciate it. I think this commenters post (and what i've learned is) means is don't fear it. It is either a road you take or don't which is not up to you, the cost of being married to those that we chose. You can't control what they do, and if that's how they want to be so be it. All i ever asked for was 50/50 on the kids, i was the weekend dad with my eldest child. Although fun, i wasn't going to miss out on all the little moments again. The worst part? The stbx knew this, and still chose thi…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 09:19 PM
2

Currently burning since the ex won't do 50/50. Two TRO's dismissed, paying for two places, and going to full blown trial since they won't agree on literally anything the law says. Don't even have a pile like you mentioned, but what i do have is kissed goodbye.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 12:28 AM
3

In the process of this right here, minus the judge hating her part...yet. But otherwise all the same. Ex doesn't want to give me 50/50, two TOP's, paying money out the ass through temp orders. And yep, all money going to the lawyers. And that's just for me to play defense, tbf my current attorney the only way i'm getting what i want is to go to trial. Hearing in less than 2 weeks that i hope stops the bleeding. but unlikely. I wish she would find someone to screw literally, because figuratively …
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/26 10:35 PM
1

The major disconnect is the women who think they deserve sole custody of the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 07:11 PM
2

You, me, and everyone else here who didn't ask for the divorce (outside of a few). The part they don't mention is that it still takes two to divorce amicably. My point relates to your first sentence. Even if you do all those things you pointed out, there's still a whole ass other person who has to agree. We obviously chose poorly with the tools we had at the time.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 07:05 PM
3

Am familiar with all of these, but even so there is no winning either way. There were times i did stand my ground and said no on major things that didn't have sound reasoning (moving across country, new car when ours were fine, etc). At the point of divorce, the ex pointed out that she did not feel like a partner. So honestly i don't think a lot of this matters. There is not one fits all solution, imo. If they don't want it to work, it won't.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 03:25 PM
2

Still going through it, so no clue on the end game. A lot depends on the judge and the way the wind is blowing, but if your ex's motion is as BS as you say, then yeah it will probably get thrown out with no atty fees awarded. And this is the problem with the court system, they can keep filing whatever they want. And you are forced to keep responding (and paying). With this as the first filing, the judge probably won't even tell her to stop. Where it potentially gets interesting is when your lawy…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 03:09 AM
1

See my other comment. My lawyer hates going back and forth, hell she hates paperwork, but you have to respond. So it really only takes one that's an asshole. The number of motions my stbx has filed has got to be over 20, with at least 30 letters sent my way. All because it takes forever to get a court date and lets the other attorney bill hours. At this point, everyone i know says my stbx lawyer is essentially stealing from her. We don't have hardly anything to fight over, no businesses and i'm …
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 02:56 AM
1

This right here. Lawyers will be more than happy to take any idea the ex can come up with and turn it into a letter, if not a motion (which generates even more hours), ask me how i know. This is why you see in this sub, don't make your lawyer be your therapist. I had a camera in the garage for part of the time, and i can't tell you how many times it caught the ex phoning up her lawyer. If your ex refuses to adult, like mine, fully expect her lawyer to send a letter demanding the auto insurance c…
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 12:51 PM
5

Just imagine being in a contested divorce with kids. It sucks, pay the money, thank the universe your stbx is not an irrational hellbeast.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 12:25 PM
1

you aint alone man, this is the place to vent. I've been at this for 16 months too, just asking for 50/50, her trying to stick me with 80/20. Been hit with two TOP's, every filing claims i'm an alcoholic that has to be at work at 5 am. I so badly just wanted to keep my kids from their mother but the little one was a toddler so was always at his moms side, wasn't gonna split them up. Ex is the same as yours, claiming premarital assets are community, making it tough to break even every month. Hope…
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 01:47 AM
7

Nothing, not even to save humanity from nuclear war.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 12:12 AM
1

Listen man, divorce sucks, more than anything. If you think you have done everything you can to try and salvage your marriage then you need a divorce. If you haven't tried marriage counseling, give it a go. But i mean, really have you done the work on owning your part in this. No, you do not wait for 10 years, depending on your jurisdiction that can mean long term alimony if your income disparity is large. Just plan on her not being amicable, talk to a lawyer. She doesn't need to know, pay cash …
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 04:59 AM
1

Listen to these people OP. Settlement is not in the cards for me, as my ex will not settle for me having less than 20% custody time so there is no other scenario to contemplate. The way the wind is blowing could affect your judge that day. Although there are a lot of stories that sound the same, your case will be unique to you and where you live.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/26 06:36 PM
2

This is pretty much it. You can wait until the court orders you to or do it out of the kindness of your heart. Look up the laws of your jurisdiction. In mine, especially with someone who doesn't work, she filed a motion for income allocation. For temp orders, that basically means you combine all the income, subtract living expenses, and give each other half. Figure out if its cheaper to pay her living expenses or just give her half your income. No high and dry like this commenter said, but do wh…
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/26 02:26 PM
1

You will have to file an RBCO with the TSP admin unless you want to take a loan and pay taxes yourself. You can look up the rules on the website, but the RBCO is a transfer to an account she has to set up. Also if she's coming after your pension you will have to file something with OPM, rules on the website there too. You can try and offset that with more TSP money or something else. If you can try and go that route, do it so your not paying this person something for the rest of your life.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 01:53 PM
2

Two TRO's from their daughter which i'm sure they believed every word of. Have video of ex MIL yelling at me in front of the children during second TRO. TRO's dropped, along with any relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 09:02 PM
2

In my ex's TRO petition, she claimed financial abuse by stating "he removed me from a credit card, restricting me from access to resources to take care of the children". What i had done, completely legal because i did it before being served divorce papers, was remove myself as an authorized user from her credit card. Removed her as an authorized user from my card. She was still on a joint credit card, with a $27K limit. A TRO petition doesn't need any evidence, because courts don't want to look …
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 02:13 AM
3

I will tell you from my experience, if your ex is the type to file for a TRO you need to file first. My stbx had the same reasoning as yours, in the end she filed first but then threw the TRO at me. Never in a million years did i think she would be the type to do that, but here we are. If your ex has already talked to a lawyer, you file first because i'm sure they have talked about the silver bullet already. There are procedural issues as to why you want to file for divorce in this case. The oth…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 06:29 PM
3

I have no answers man, but hang in there you are not alone. I'm on temp orders so my ex gets 50% of my net every month. And i don't even get 50/50, i had to go to that hearing to get on the wrong end of 60/40. You said it yourself below, they are trying to drag it out. What incentive do they have to get it over with? none, that's free money and a lot of it. The motions are the same thing. My stbx filed 7 motions the first two months of this year (wait til you get another one to force an alcohol …
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 05:47 PM
1

This is what my lawyer said too. Hell we basically worked opposite schedules which was a god send. And guess what? after the second temp order of protection my lawyer said gtfo, she's just gonna keep doing it. OP, having the assets be the problem puts you miles ahead of us who are fighting for custody. good luck
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 12:54 AM
2

I guess. at this point its not a fight, just repetitive motion practice to put me in financial oblivion. We've only filed a motion for an order to show cause because the ex won't answer OFW messages in 48 hours or at all. Almost immediately got a retaliatory motion for order to show cause that basically included every OFW message ever sent saying somehow i violated the order because i'm "controlling, demanding, and make it difficult to coparent". Every one i know says OC is basically stealing fr…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 12:45 AM
1

My man, i wish. We have been requesting a final merits hearing since the temp orders hearing last september. Judge just ignores. OP filed 7 motions between jan and march of this year. Twelve items on the docket for this next hearing, no finalizing anything. My atty even said at the temp order hearing "there isn't much to split, need a half day". I guess this is the problem with where i live. You should see my income allocation order, that's been a real blast.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 11:52 PM
1

Oh i am living it. You saying "unreasonable" is a pretty generous term. Theyve filed 2 motions for a GAL with the only reason being "custody dispute", filed once to move the GAL motion to a hearing officer, and recently filed for a custody evaluator. Four motions in the last year for essentially the same f'ing thing (only one hearing last september and never got to 2 of those at the time). Thats not even the most ridiculous of the filings. So yeah, i'd say i agree with you on the rest of it. I a…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 09:42 PM
2

I like this, i told my lawyer that i wanted to settle as quickly as possible. My lawyer told me that wasn't going to happen with the opposing counsel. We will have to go to court to get an agreement, because they won't settle for anything. And by god has that turned out to be true. The only settlement agreement to be had is if i agree to less than 80/20 custody, so they just keep on filing motions. I know there is an end out there, but its a long way off from now, and already been at it for 15 m…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 07:53 PM
2

My stbxw lawyer is a well known scumbag. My attorney told me a settlement offer would be a waste of my time and money. And the ex is hellbent on me not getting 50/50. I know i'm in the 45K range, no idea on ex with more expensive lawyer. But the motions just keep on coming. Finally got a full day hearing at the end of next month, but only to clear all pending motions. Finish line nowhere in sight. Your last sentence really hits the nail on the head.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 01:15 AM
2

Lol, you should see my ex. Her parents are not rich, i dont know where she's getting money from. But she definitley has the ability to file seven motions in the first two months of this year. There wont be any negotiating, as she only wants to give me the kids 20% of the time. I laugh, because apparently you don't need money to fund this BS with the "right" lawyer. So you are right about the tens of thousands in legal fees.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 10:27 PM
1

In mediation, all you can do is ask. they can always say no. Try going with what you have and put a change back to the 2-2-5 on x date. If they disagree, figure out your next best option. Do not settle for something that doesn't work. You'll never get that time back.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 02:03 AM
2

It's mediation, it is there for you to tell the ex what you would like. Having someone else drop off the kids is a part of life (not that my ex would know it). You state exactly what you want, she does the same, and you negotiate from there. What you should be concerned with is not accepting something terrible for you because of "waves". If mediation doesn't work, it doesn't work. Hopefully your ex will also see it is not beneficial going to trial. I'll tell you the story of my mediation: My stb…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 09:09 PM
1

I have to laugh because my stbxw was a SAHM too. It apparently doesn't matter if the family has money, somehow my ex has kept filing motion after motion non-stop and i have no idea where the money is coming from. There's no way she hasn't blown past her $12K retainer, i'm at about $45K in attorney fees and i've filed less than 5 motions. I'll be lucky if i don't have to cover all her attorney fees too. Good luck man.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 08:16 PM
2

From the same area of their worm brain where the ideas for the silver bullet come from. You are the worst person on earth, therefore she gets everything because you left her "with nothing". Actually have the ex on camera saying "he's trying to leave me with nothing". Um, we didn't buy anything, we spent all our money travelling to see your family and so you could be a sahm. As always with women, logic shall not prevail.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/26 12:56 PM
3

Good for you man, i'm sure that has to be a nice feeling. Considering these women WILL go after everything. Currently, my stbx is trying to claim stuff (like the car she drives) that i paid off before the marriage are "community assets" just because she uses them. Um, i don't think thats how it works, but what do i know. Just some other "abuser" out here roaming the interwebs.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 10:23 PM
1

You weren't given a copy of the petition with the order? Where i come from that is standard, your lawyer should be able to get it from the court. You're the only one in there because you already said yourself the stbx finessed the story. And its granted because the court doesn't want to look bad. I was served one because "he removed me from a credit card, demanded she share a bathroom with a stranger, and she can home to a locked bedroom door one night" (please find the fear for safety or abuse …
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 09:09 PM
7

Just know you ain't alone man. I'm currently paying $2500 a month on temp orders and i only have my kids 40% of the time. And like you, waiting and waiting. I even have a court hearing, but it's only to clear all pending motions since the stbx keeps filing crap, so not a final one at that. Be glad you are just waiting, and not having to play defense. I'm sure all the driving your doing is enough to make anyone crazy. I don't know how it works where you are, but my only advice would be to focus t…
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 03:27 PM
1

You need to be more specific about what you think the right way is. Your lawyer can only keep what you want out of the court. The opposing lawyer can file any and everything until the cows come home, ask me how i know. If the opposing atty files something, you have to respond, and that adds up. You being comfortable with you atty is important, and so is them advocating for you. But if your ex is going to fight everything tooth and nail, its most important that your lawyer is good in court. If yo…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 03:11 PM
2

All the commenters are correct, but especially this right here you must treat it seriously. You can't stop it, so you will need to defend yourself. You need to either record or document every interaction with her from here on out. Take pictures of everything in the house. What you are doing is collecting evidence for the hearing. For example, one allegation was my ex told the HO that she came home to a locked bedroom door and couldn't get her stuff. We provided pictures showing keys above every …
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 03:01 PM
2

I'm going to come at this from a different perspective, only because i think a lot of these commenters are correct, and it's not at all what is happening in my divorce. Everything is amicable until someone isn't getting what they think they should (emphasis on think and should). Yes, you should try to avoid lawyers, but you should probably consult one or a few just so you know what you're getting into/entitled to. You should also look up your jurisdictions divorce laws. That is what tells you wh…
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 10:14 PM
1

Good for you, its a temporary restraining order. Been removed from my house twice, and my kids will probably never trust the police (which they shouldn't). At the advice of my lawyer, went and got an apartment for a few months because she said it would just keep happening. Got back into the house after a number of months while i pay for the ex's apartment. Maybe i should replenish at the end of every month, may beat just waiting for another motion to be filed, then another, then all of a sudden …
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 02:06 AM
2

I don't know about massive. Just accepting the reality its over does hurt (wasn't my choice), but yeah i believe he's got it better than most. Sounds like you've had a rough go man, i hear you. Hopefully the distance has brought you some peace. Having someone to lean on sounds awesome, i don't know that i'll ever have that. You know about them TRO's? i hope not. If you can, keep fighting for them kids, any and all successes are the only way it will ever change. I don't know that i'll end up with…
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 01:36 AM
1

Youre first paragraph, while correct, is the problem there, hell it depends on the mood of the day. OFW is court ordered in my case (my filing as i never wanted to talk to her again), and i do have plenty of evidence, the pattern is there. I even have one message that says "these messages have not been responded to", think that got a response? Youre ex sounds like a peach, my ex is functionally organized, she just wants it her way or the highway. I mean, how hard is it to respond to a message in…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 03:31 PM
1

I will have that conversation, but from what i've learned here the VL designation is rarely if ever given out. Theres dockets longer than mine that don't have it. You'd have a lot of fun reading all the stbx filings, BS is a pretty generous term. For a couple of the more egregious filings we've responded asking for Rule 11 sanctions to get the attorney fees. If I can win a few of those on the merits we will file a full on attorney fees request. To be fair, we did file a motion for order to show …
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 02:57 PM
3

A more succinct way of putting it, but i agree on all counts. Perhaps maybe just as important, he didnt capitulate and actually got in front of a judge. I'm 15 months in now, and have had one hearing while the stbx keeps filing motion after motion (7 in the last 2 months). So while i agree with you, i can understand why a lot of men do fall on their sword. I want to keep the house, but all the "no's" i have said may necessitate filing bankruptcy after this is all over. I have had one hearing for…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 01:32 PM
9

Maybe i'm the contrarian here but...You achieved your goal. Paying her the equity sucks (her debt being her debt has no bearing on you and is also a win), but thats the price we pay for where we live. You kept some cash, that joint account was peanuts. Regardless of the situation, you can now cut ties from someone who doesn't want to be with you. Some of us are going through high conflict divorces with kids. I used to have the same amount of money in my personal savings, thats all gone. All i wa…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 03:34 AM
2

Lol apparently my ex is the one out of ten. No reasonableness to be found anywhere. I'm sure her lawyer isn't telling her anything other than "i'll get you what you want". Stbx hasn't offered anything other than 80/20, had to get a temp order to get me to 60/40. At this point every other weekend would be a more stable schedule for my kids, but here i am. Unfortunately my attorney has said the only way this is ending is in court. FML
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 09:57 PM
1

I am jealous of you sir, 14 months in and i've had one court date (unless you count the TRO hearings). More than 2 months until the next one, and that's just to resolve pending motions, will neead another to get divorced.Then again, the enemy could just file more BS so who knows.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 12:55 PM
5

Realize you can only control what you do. This woman is no longer your wife, she is an adversary, mine was a sahm too and is now just a waitress working 2 days a week. It sucks, and its going to suck for a while. You say she is playing the victim? Be prepared for her to do much worse, look up silver bullet divorce. You should really think about getting a recording device (bodycam, recorder, whatever), and record any of your interactions with her. Hopefully it won't happen, but you need to be pre…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 04:13 AM
2

So this is basically everything, weird, but it is what it is. You don't go to court for a TDO, its automatically entered when one party files for divorce. With no TDO, no custody order, there is basically nothing stopping either parent from doing anything. Hence my previous comment, your wife can take the child out of daycare, and you can no longer pick the child up. Be prepared for that. If you're not already, you need to be emailing (not texting) your wife that you want the child 50/50. You ne…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 11:07 PM
1

This is not the same thing. A temporary domestic order is issued by the judge automatically, there is no filing for it. It's what freezes accounts and what not, this is signed by the judge. If there is no language on custody in the TDO, go get your child. Just know your wife can do the same to you, doesn't matter if you pay for daycare. Again, the shit sandwich
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 10:55 PM
2

Well see you didn't mention that part. What does your temporary domestic order say? those are the rules you need to follow. If there is a custody order there, and restrictions on travel you need to follow those. If your wife is violating those, what you do is document for a contempt filing. You, do not violate the order. You present your evidence at your next hearing. Your lawyer should be advising you here, not us. Whatever you do, don't put the kid in the middle. You will have to eat the shit …
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 10:52 PM
2

Then you need to be prepared for your wife to go nuclear. and make sure it's not possible for you to pick up your child ever again. If you haven't talked to a lawyer, you need to. You need to file for divorce so certain rules start getting applied. Filing for a divorce is what matters. Many counties enter a temporary domestic order automatically, which prevents a parent from taking a child out of the county. If you two can't agree on custody, you will not have anything official until temporary o…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 10:47 PM
3

His point was you're married. Crossing state lines won't matter. What you should do (and what my lawyer told me to do but wasn't really feasible), is go get your child and keep her from the mother. I understand, if you work it's not really feasible. But the point is you show you can care for the child just as well as "mom" can. It sounds like you are not going to get a custody order any time soon (i didn't), but you don't want mom taking the child becoming the status quo. Look up the divorce law…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 10:40 PM
1

You do what these guys said in the comments. You have a head start, i was blindsided by the divorce and you can look at my post history for the ugly details. My ex was a sahm and then became a waitress working 2-3 days a week (except when having the kids) after the D word. Maybe even less and it is awful. She is trying to bankrupt me, get me arrested and/or unemployed, and forcing me into accepting what she wants. You talk about it here, and/or with a therapist. You get a lawyer and only talk ab…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 06:49 PM
1

What this guy said. And to add to that, 95% of that is just to play defense. Was trying to keep costs down not filing any frivolous motions from my end, what a riot.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 01:32 PM
3

Do not move out unless you have a custody agreement that you want. Youre ex may not be participating in the process, but if she has the kids all the time judges love nothing more than the status quo if its working for the kids. If all your ex is doing is not participating in the process, there is no reason for you to move until the divorce is over. If there is a custody agreement (this doesn't have to come from the court), then do what you want. I was removed from the home twice when the ex file…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 12:46 PM
1

Do i trust that my children will develop into well functioning adults? no. But i don't really get a choice in that. I could try for more custody, but that is extremely unlikely, we asked for full custody in our emergency motion for sanctions in response to the first TRO. But short of ex having a drug problem, in front of kids, aint gonna happen. No stipulation, at the temp hearing OC tried to introduce 3 days worth of evidence into a 2 hour hearing. I literally testified for 10 seconds. we resol…
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 07:27 PM
1

yes two kids. I'm on teh short end of 60/40 with thurs-mon the first three weekends of the month (so no holidays). I'm in the house and she is renting an apartment. I've tried finding out, and i haven't found anything about an AP. And i agree with everything you said, her own family (outside of parents) don't have a clue. Not to dox myself but the southwest. Essentially everything needs to be decided at trial, OP offered a parenting plan that had me less than 80/20, we've countered with 50/50 an…
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 06:47 PM
1

I appreciate you taking the time to reply. but oh buddy this reply is probably going to be too long, but i'll give it a shot anyway. I'm just trying to get this over with, no mods just a final decree. Both TRO's and the one we got on the ex were dismissed (second one and our TRO agreed joint dismissal because she was going to lose). There is no calling her or her family (siblings are really on my side, she wont talk to them), one thing my atty did right was file for OFW right away that way every…
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 04:53 PM
1

The first line right here OP. She will ask for the stars, and if she at all has half a brain, will hope to land somewhere around the moon. She will get what the laws say she will get unless you give it to her. She can file for divorce, you can file for divorce, you both can ask for things that are unreasonable. Its all fine and dandy until she gets angry or someone gets in her ear, she already wants primary of the kids. But this is what you must plan for, and why you should file first: You haven…
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 04:38 PM
5

How long did it take between court dates usually? I've been through two TRO's and the stbxw keeps filing the most random crap that I keep playing defense against. My attorney's responses follow your advice, firm and unyielding, but they are responses. In my case, we have filed less than five motions, while the OC has filed at least 20. The latest is to force both parties to take an alcohol test (OP does not drink haha), because "she believes" i've been under the influence while talking to the ki…
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 04:25 PM
1

Man i am on that train to destruction. I will end up in the exact same place as my lawyer told me from the beginning. Hell, from what i told the ex in the beginning and all i ever asked for was 50/50. So far she filed for full custody, then sent an 80/20 plan, on temp orders i'm at 60/40. They are trying to claim to the court that i'm an alcoholic that has to be at work at 5 am everyday, therefore i shouldn't have the kids. Hell, i don't even have a signed temp order from the judge because the a…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 01:27 AM
3

I feel you here man. I like my attorney, she is a courtroom litigator. However, we can't get a court date and OC keeps filing motion after motion. They are probably up to 20 so far, and that's with one court date 6 months ago for temp orders, where we resolved like 3 of 8 motions at the time. This was because OC tried to cram 2 days worth of evidence into a 2 hour hearing. They've also filed 2 TRO's, and are expecting me to pay her atty fees since she's only a waitress who gets to sit at home mo…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 07:05 PM
8

I think you make some good points here, and i'd certainly like to understand more. To me, our counselor was absolutely neutral, but the rewriting of history by my ex and the outright lies kind of made sure no counselor would work. So not only is it the counselor, its even more dependent on the people going to see the counselor, which seems even more of a crap shoot. Sure this post is a generalization, but i would think it is correct more often than not and why it was posted. I get to laugh at th…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 10:50 PM
1

You need to do what these commenters said, and then prepare for anything. Nothing matters until you get in front of the judge or hearing officer. Whatever you do, DO NOT VIOLATE THE TRO!!!! That is the surefire way to lose everything. The TRO can be dismissed (remember the temporary part of this means the court will grant it for any reason), and you need to decide what is best for you. I moved back in (it was my house before marriage), and after a few months was served another TRO. Again dismiss…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 05:44 PM
1

I can only speak from my own experience, but i lost essentially because of time. There was only a set amount of time for the hearing itself, the stbxw tried to enter so much evidence my lawyer basically said the following for 2 hours: 1) Objection your honor, relevanc? argument ensues... 2) Objection your honor, in the interest of saving time here is what happened.... The stbxw was unreasonable with all the evidence they tried to enter (not to mention characterizations of me) for a temporary ord…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 07:27 PM
2

You're lucky if this is the most ridiculous thing she has done, and like you all of us need our laywers to hurry the hell up. Unluckily in my case, that just means trying to hurry up to get in front of a judge since the OC is a well known scumbag. So lets just see here: 1) Initially ex was going to do 50/50, which somehow morphed into me getting fri-sun afternoon three weekends a month. 2) Exploded when she found out she wouldn't be getting enough money to buy a house and threatened that i'll ne…
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 06:22 PM
6

This is all solid advice, but i think OP really needs to say the quiet part out loud. DO NOT VIOLATE THE TEMPORARY ORDER!!! That is the single worst thing any victim of the silver bullet can do. They will grant a woman a temporary order for any reason, no matter how ridiculous it is on its face because the court will never want to look bad. The only way to beat false allegations is to have your day in court, and that will be a ways down the road. That is why it is so important to not violate any…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 03:22 AM
1

you all are a bunch of lucky SOB's. My attorney was very upfront with me stating there is no negotiating with my OC. They will just say no and use it as a starting point for more. She told me the only way this is getting settled is by going to court, and she turned out to be correct. I don't know who's driving the ship on the other side, but the OP has filed at least 30 motions and 2 TRO's. And that's with me filing maybe 3 motions, all my legal fees are just to play defense because there is no …
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 10:04 PM
1

Have to laugh, she wasn't going hog wild but i took the ex off my credit card. She still had access to a joint credit card but sure enough, TRO filed claiming i removed access to funds for her to take care of the children.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 05:24 PM
1

Generally, in mediation a third party perspective is not going to mean very much. A mediator is simply there to get you to agree, they do not care about about outsiders. They want you in and out. If your hill to die on is 50/50, do not go along with what a mediator says unless it is 50/50. Is your stbx rational? If yes, then maybe mediation will work for you. If you are on this sub, your ex is most likely not and mediation will go nowhere. You've already said she wants 80/20 custody. When you ca…
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 01:42 PM
11

You're not going to coparent with this person. You will be parallel parenting with this person, like a lot of us in high conflict divorces. Why is your lawyer discussing things with your ex and not her lawyer? My stbxw said i am a great dad, then filed for full custody, then sent me a parenting plan that was 80/20. I had to get in front of a judge to get my temp 60/40 setup. These women do not want you to have a relationship with your child, they want control. If you think the lying is bad now, …
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 10:41 PM
7

Nothing like a woman scorned eh? After a temp custody hearing where the judge said "make it the same for the kids at both places", you think that happenend? Lol nope. If it was marital, she took it. If it was the kids, took it. Stuff i paid for before marriage? Gone. When i got back, all that was left in the kids room was some toys, one bed, and a cubic organizer. Luckily i had basic furnished the apartment i was living in so i wasn't in terrible shape (other than spending money i don't have). T…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 07:50 PM
2

He's being serious. After two TRO's my stbxw finally left the house saying i was "harrassing her with the thermostat and light switches". I'm currently borrowing money because the ex will not negotiate, anything. Expect she will get an attorney, and you will need one too.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 08:24 PM
3

I'm not divorced yet but experiencing all of this, even with the OFW app. You have to remember you have no control/influence over what the other parent does. You can be flexible, but in our situations, this just allows the other parent to do whatever they want. I will say, if you are going to flexible then you need to demand something in return on the spot. She wants one of your days? Do not say yes unless you get makeup time right then and there before any agreement is made. If your ex is anyth…
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 06:14 PM
1

I don't know CA specifically, but there is a general framework for how it goes. When you file the initial petition, a Temporary Domestic Order (or whatever you county calls it) is also entered. This is basically general rules that say you can't move the children out of their schools, bank accounts are frozen, no taking on new debt, very general stuff. If she is vengeful, and she moves the children out of their school district, you must remain calm and collected. You will not see your children fo…
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 11:20 PM
1

I dont know how it works in your county, but i do not have a signed temp order either. Currently, i'm ordered to have the first three weekends of the month, so wtf do we do when there is 5 weekends? Stbxw is arguing that means she gets them, i'm arguing its not in the children's best interest to go without an overnight with one parent for 17 days. My atty said follow the order from the bench, which we are still currently arguing over. So my guess would be yes, what the judge says goes. Sorry, i …
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 11:09 PM
6

Do we have the same ex? We actually had an initial agreement on 50/50. Then her initial filing wanted full custody (told me this was standard issue), then a few months later she offered 80/20, now still won't come off of that so the judge gave me temp 40%. After a couple of TRO's removing me to the home, motions to evict me and get a GAL, i'm not sure how amicable happens. I'm sure this guys advice makes sense for some people. But i'm pretty positive negotiating with a terrorist is not going to …
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 05:55 PM
1

Was it only the other lawyer that was lying? You are one lucky guy, imagine the ex also sitting there lying, but through fake tears to try and sway the judge. I'm an abusive monster because the kids accidentally locked an interior bedroom door. It's all true, /s, until a judge or HO can hear the counter argument, and just say no, it will not go your way. Even with my lawyer, who i like, i think to be a lawyer in family court you have to give that part of your conscience up. You can not "win" if …
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 03:48 PM
3

Oddly, or maybe not, i still keep in contact with two brothers and her sister. I'm pretty sure its for the kids since we live so far away, but they also know what a POS my ex is. There is no way in hell i will talk to her parents though. I know her mother has bought her story, and even accosted me while she was here in person. I always liked her dad, we did a lot together, but he does not run that house so i'm not going to rock the boat. The only talking between either family is my dad and the e…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 08:06 PM
2

Man i understand the urge to speed things up anyway you can. I was the same way, and she in the same way used the TRO to control the me seeing the children. Hopefully this is just the temporary RO, so whatever you do don't violate it. You'll be able to present your side at the hearing and get it dismissed. I moved back into the house, and a few months later was hit with another TRO so you need to be prepared for that. If given the opportunity, you should file a TRO on her. Whatever you do, do no…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 04:32 PM
1

i think this is the answer here. Considering the childrens ages, you really have to decide what is best for you. Your kids are old enough that they are off hanging out with friends, spending less time with you. How do you make the time they do spend with you the best possible? Their time as kids is almost over, how will their relationship be with you as they turn into adults? Your children need you, but as a lot of us attest to in this sub, your adult children may need you when they run into thi…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 04:19 AM
1

So your case is like mine, divorce was filed first then the TPO. Your lawyers strategy is basically what we did, but also because their allegations were not actually the abuse they were trying to frame it as. If these people will actually testify that you are an involved dad, that will go a long way depending on what the accusations are. It may not mean anything for the PO hearing though (unless youre being accused of child abuse in there). But would definitely matter for custody if the other at…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 03:27 AM
2

Man i'm glad you were able to get this all cleared up. In my case there were no deals to be had for the TOP (like you i also have a security clearance). I was also escorted out by cops in front of my children for the first TOP, had a hearing 14 days later that probably sounded like the dumbest hearing in all of history. In the end it was dismissed (even with all her fake tears and claims of abuse), the HO even said "this is two people separating their lives". She also used that TOP to control my…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 01:10 AM
9

Women can really be something huh? I let the stbxw continue to drive the better car (paid off before marriage) and they are trying to claim its a community asset because shes the one who "uses it". I drive the crappier car and last summer i was going into work at 5 am, when there was guy standing in the middle of the driving lane (couldn't see him until it was too late). I attempted to swerve but still hit him. Cops came and sent me off blaming the guy for obstructing the road. What does the stb…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 04:50 PM
5

Will have to agree here. If there is anything that i have learned, is that your power also starts in the beginning. Where men screw themselves is to decide what is best for the kids is to go along with whatever she says now, and try and fix it down the road. She wants you to agree with what she says now, because a court will not want to upset the apple cart down the road. He is not telling you to "fight" her, you just do not agree with (without telling her) what she says and have legal represent…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/26 05:15 AM
4

I'm not laughing at you, but i have to laugh. I never even said the words "i want the house". I just said no to her proposed 80/20 custody. Next thing you know i've been served with two TOP's removing me from the house. I've stayed anywhere that will have me and my kids, jealous you got the camper. There is no end in sight with how contentious it is, as my attorney said i will have to go to court if 50/50 is what i want. Hardest thing in the world seems to be getting a court date. Hang in there …
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 02:29 AM
1

Your wife may truly believe that, and you telling her otherwise will be an afront to her. You contact a lawyer, because they will tell you what the law says and likely outcomes. May I ask, if you are having crazy arguments every day why do you think this will be amicable? When your wife learns what the law says she will get, and you won't agree to her terms, it will no longer be amicable. You should also be asking a lawyer how to protect yourself from a temporary restraining order. You can read …
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 02:37 AM
1

I wish i had your ex, hell that's evidence. My ex doesn't hate OFW, she just doesn't want me to know what's going on with the kids. I simply do not wish to talk to my ex ever again, and i think she's the same. We message when something needs to be done for the kids (she still doesn't do that majority of the time), and there is no response. We've filed a motion for an order to show cause because she doesn't answer. She's just not stupid enough to alienate or withhold the children.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 03:22 PM
2

Oh this is 100% true, and to punish me. She initially filed for full custody, threw a couple TRO's my way, offered a parenting plan that gave me less than 80/20 custody which i of course would not agree to (this apparently told her i think she's a bad mom). Currently on a temp order that gives me 40% custody (first three weekends of the month, hence no holidays). I actually sent a message before thanksgiving asking to swap any weekend in december and i'll get the xmas afternoon. No response for …
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 01:52 AM
4

I guess i have to laugh at my situation, rarely do i ever even get an OFW message (never any texts). They are infuriating when they do come, but thats what chatgpt is for. If anything, it's the lack of responses (even in the wake of a court order) that makes me feel bad for the kids. Not that I'll do anything, because this advice still applies. But it affects what happens with the children, "logistics" is a laughable term. Didnt see my kids for 10 days through xmas, first message was a "do you w…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 01:33 AM
7

OP you need to go ahead and file for divorce. And you need to do this before she files for the temporary restraining order. It is good you remember all of these things, and i hope you are documenting them. The reason you file first is to make her TRO look reactionary to the court (and also to get both cases in front of the same judge), if she files first she will have leverage on your residence and custody. Because a temporary order will be granted, no matter what. All of these things you listed…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 03:31 PM
5

Read what this guy said again, and take a lesson from it. Mediation assumes two rational parties. You will have at least one irrational party based on what you typed. Do not accept what is offered if it does not suit you. An alcoholic is not a parent, it's unconditional love of child support that keeps that going. that is not best for your children. I spent 4 hours in mediation to go absolutely nowhere. I will spend whatever it takes to have my children in my life. Right now, spend as much time …
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 04:52 AM
1

You seem to be in the right head space. I was there automatically. My ex never once responded to my messages (it was either her way or the highway), instead i got served two temporary orders of protection removing me from the house and kids. Every message i sent was entered into the petitions as ordering/demanding communications. After the first hearing and dismissal, she had the temerity to wish me "happy fathers day". I think she has the hint i will never help with anything, and therefore does…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 04:31 AM
3

Agree with all of this, immediately you stay calm and document. but also remember, she will not only use any little shred of evidence she will also make up her own evidence through lying (ask me how i know). If you have a temporary order already (if not there will be one, courts do not want to look bad), documentation is what will get it dismissed. See my comment history if you want. A therapist is the only person you should be showing any emotion to. It's also most important not to "give her an…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 04:00 AM
3

This is all excellent advice, and currently trying to follow it. I have to laugh at the absurdity of #1 though (not saying it is wrong). I got served a temporary order of protection for 1) taking her off a credit card denying access to resources to take care of the children 2) demanding/ordering communications that she share a bathroom with a stranger 3) coming home to a locked door preventing access to her things. Of course all i did was take her off my personal cc (she still had access to join…
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/26 01:23 AM
1

Lol, not sure you read the comment, but mediation didn't go anywhere. In fact, they filed the motion for the GAL four days before the mediation date. There was no point. Both lawyers have asked for hearings on all the motions, just can't get on the docket. In the meantime, opposing counsel has filed motion to strike one of my replies and another motion for the GAL in the last 5 days. They are going to bleed me dry.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/25 12:26 PM
4

I wish you luck man, that has got to be exhausting. I'm in the middle of it now, she filed for temp orders for exclusive use of the home and full custody, motion for GAL. Sent a parenting plan that gives me less than 80/20 for the kids, filed and got the TRO, mediation for custody went nowhere. It's like watching money burn right in front of your eyes. I am also exhausted and its not even close to being over. I'm in a smallish city, so all the lawyers know each other. My lawyer said at the begin…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 01:49 PM
7

Yes, file for the PFA. Do not hesitate, if you have not filed for divorce yet even better. You will be following the woman's victim playbook and beat her to the punch (and I say this because that is what she will do once she talks to the shark lawyer). There is a not small chance yours will get denied anyway. I was served with a TRO and removed from the house immediately, the order did not contain any verbage about my children, so I lost access to them too. They will grant a PFA to a woman for n…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 03:04 AM
2

Do anything you can to get her back in the work force. Mine wanted a separation and i said get a job, so she did sacrificing the sahm life. She knew she would have to with divorce though. Somehow we went from 50/50, to 80/20 (for her) to her paying the mortgage for 2 years then assuming the loan. My point being this woman i never thought would do this then filed for temp orders evicting me from the house and full custody of the kids. When that didnt work i got served the TRO for a credit card, a…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/25 12:59 AM
5

You better be taking meticulous notes on all your time with the kids. Does she work? If not tell her to get a job and you arent leaving the house. While shes gone put cameras up in public areas of the house. Never have a conversation in a private room, and always record. She will threaten you with the workd, doesnt mean she will get it. Be prepared for the false restraining order, if it comes you cant stop it. But your evidence will have it dismissed in the end. Grey rock her, and enjoy your tim…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/25 11:46 PM
1

Well in this case im your ex, it is not well received. My stbxw filed for a GAL because her lawyer believes i will pay all her attorney fees. She also filed for it because she knows its the only way theyre going to get her stupid 80/20 (for her) parenting plan. In my opinion it is a waste of money, but she doesnt care. Just agree to 50/50 and be done with it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 09:41 PM
6

What upvoterfortruth said. Mediation assumes a rational opposing party. By all accounts, and for the most part, your stbx seems fairly rational which is good. My stbxw filed a motion for a GAL before we went into mediation that was just for custody. She then got a TRO on me two days before mediation. I knew then it was going to be pointless, but it was court ordered. The stbxw sent my attorney a parenting plan that gave me 6 overnights and two hours a day on tues/thurs (essentially 80/20 custody…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 02:49 PM
8

You have to listen to these commenters. This was definitely planned, as she has filed the PFA before divorce. If she had filed the pfa after divorce, youd end up in front of the same judge. Which would make it easier for you to defemd yourself. Lawyer yesterday, she may dig her own grave, but not before evicting you from the home and getting full custody of the kids. Then, she will convince the judge this is the status quo and its working. Im sure a lawyer will tell you to file for divorce immed…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/25 02:32 PM
7

Listen to this guy here. When my stbx first mentioned divorce she agreed to 50/50. Some where along the way that got changed to what's best for the kids is "stability". Sound good? She meant she stays in the home because she took them to school and picked up every day as she was a sahm. No mention that my job is what allowed her to be a sahm, or now continues to let her have a part time evening job. Her and her lawyer sent over a parenting plan that would actually have her work less (I only get …
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/25 11:17 PM
3

Congrats sir. Hope you get quality time with the kids. Just remember now is not the time to let your guard down. Know that there are no consequences for her doing this. She can, and may try, to get another order for completely different reasons. Like you said, hopefully she gets help, but more likely shes looking for new advice. Its a war, you have won a battle, dont stop now.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/25 04:00 PM
5

Do what all the other commenters are saying. Record, document, and be a stand up father, and avoid conflict with your styx (WALK away). As one said, the truth is what will save you. You sir, have a warning sign for a TRO. She's building a case with "actions" to, not just verbally. My ex never mentioned anything, no living in fear, no coercion. Until the police showed up at my door saying a TRO had been filed against me (in front of my children). My ex's petition for TRO said "removed from credit…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/25 08:04 PM
4

My brother, my heart goes out to you. I'm not an expert, but due to the DVPO just needing a preponderence of evidence there's no way I would go without a lawyer. Your ex is an absolute crazy person, and you need to go in guns loaded to get your children back with you. It seems you know a DVPO is granted just because she is a female, this is good. It's also good you seem to recognize the process. You don't mention the claims she made in the DVPO, so it is kind of hard to tell what you are up agai…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/25 03:28 PM
3

The other commenters are right, keep fighting and documenting. If the mediator is worth anything, they will see through it. If she can write to the mediator, so can you. But if they wont see through it, you are prepared. You’ll have your side to tell to the mediator as well. Ask the mediator where are the police reports from the DV claims? Hospital visit documentation from the hitting? Where is the TRO since you are such a monster who abuses this woman? There are frivolous tools out there to “pr…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 02:40 AM
2

Ah, yeah bifurcation seems like the right move. I'm jealous of your situation in as much as it seems you are in control as best you can be. At the rate i'm going, you'll be finalized before i ever am even with all the crap from OC. My ex filed motions for temp orders along with the divorce petition: exclusive use of home, full custody of kids, and income division. None of those were mentioned for the upcoming hearing. At this point all i want is her out of the house. All of this, because i want …
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 06:22 PM
4

Man i wish i could be of help but i am in the exact same situation. The opposing counsel see's an ATM and keeps coming up with shitty ideas that they run with. They filed a motion for a GAL before we even attended court ordered mediation. Even went through with TRO and had that dismissed. I have a hearing date set, but it's only for a temp custody plan, motion for GAL, and an emergency motion we sent in before TRO hearing to get her sanctioned and give me full custody or go back to status quo. T…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 05:30 PM
3

You need to do what is best for you. If you want some solo weekends, you need to say no to this. She is no longer your wife, you do nothing to help her. Your only concerns are yourself, and your daughter. She has the same responsibility to the child as you. I have a now adult child that i had every weekend, but that is because it was the only thing i could make work. I will say this, you do not mention anything about your financials, but if you were to agree to this only do so if you get sunday …
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 12:38 PM
2

thanks for that. I'll have a prep meeting with my attorney (there's actually two in the office), but she is a good litigator. I'm just impatient and like to have a plan long ahead of time. Opposing counsel is a scumbag (false DV claims had to be his idea). My stbxw wants her 80/20 because of "stability for the kids". She was a sahm, is now a waitress, and wants to continue to take them/pick up from school everyday. Much like your country, i believe mine prefers 50/50. Again, i like to prepare fo…
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/25 07:42 PM
2

If you don't mind my asking, what types of non-financial questions did they ask you? I want 50/50 custody, and the stbxw wants something like 80/20. I have a hearing coming up but only for a temp custody plan, her motion for a GAL, and an emergency motion i filed right before my TRO hearing. It covered a lot of stuff including getting her sanctioned and giving me full custody of the kids. I'm curious what i should be preparing for since it's still a ways off. Thanks, and good luck. Glad you got …
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/25 05:49 PM
8

I'm telling you this just so you know, like the OP is explaining, you can not stop this. She will get a temporary order of protection just for filing for one. Document where you are and when, keep receipts to show you weren't anywhere near her. In my county, i couldn't see my children for two weeks. My ex got a TRO for the following reasons "removed from a credit card restricting access to community resources for the children, demanding she share a bathroom with a stranger, restricting access to…
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/25 12:38 PM
1

These commenters are correct, and even TRO's can matter. She is already getting dirty legally. My ex came up with the flimsiest reasons ever imagined (no violence, financial abuse and restricting access to clothing) and was granted a TRO. The dirtiest part? Because she filed a motion for exclusive use of the home in divorce court, they wanted to bring that up in DV court. Had she gotten her way, i'd have been removed from the home through the entirety of divorce proceedings. You know what judges…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 01:11 PM
1

Heres an update for you. Shes even more evil than i ever could have imagined. Two days before mediation, which by the way went nowhere, i was served a TRO. They granted it because she wrote “removed from credit card restricting access to community resources. Demanding she share a bathroom with a stranger, restricting access to clothing. Demanding/ordering communications.” The biggest steaming pile of shit ever submitted for a petition. I saw my kids for 3 hours over a total of two weeks in a gro…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 02:27 AM
1

Just be prepared for the lying to continue in court. The hearing officer won't care about her lying, but will care about evidence to refute lies. Stay calm and composed, and no arguing with the HO. Again, it hardly seems like a victory spending needless money just to get back to pre-RO because that's not any better shit. But at least i don't have to fear violating a court order anymore. Just remember the court is not your friend, they're just looking to not be publicly embarrassed. If anything g…
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 05:57 PM
2

Good luck man. We filed a memo with the court refuting all her "evidence" and still had to go into a hearing. Removal from one credit card, demanding she share a bathroom with a stranger, and restricting access to clothing was apparently enough for a "probably act of domestic abuse" and a temporary RO. Not even a claim of physical or emotional distress. The lies never matter, they will grant the TRO because she's a woman. Hell she actually lied during her testimony and looked like an idiot. Went…
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 12:33 PM
1

God dam it certainly feels like it. My strategy so far is to not be in the same room as her. Ill leave them on when shes in the house, but i unplug them as soon as shes gone. Again, the camera in the bedroom should look bad on her in court. My lawyer said if i can tolerate it, this is stuff we will use in court. How? No idea. But camera laws are confusing here, so its the best ive got to go on. I have my cameras, but i certainly dont put any in the bedroom.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 01:29 PM
1

Oh its not an exhibit for the hearing. This is something else. Due to the cloud, i know shes taking pictures of the cameras unplugged. What her angle is i have no idea. I unplug the cameras when she leaves, my lawyer said not to remove. To use as evidence in the posession of the house hearing. In my state theres a one party consent law, along with an expectation of privacy. Yet here we are. I told my lawyer ill leave them plugged jn if she is in the house. But when im gone that is a no go. Ill s…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 03:44 AM
2

I should add this crazy person put visible security cameras in our garage and master bedroom the day before the hearing. So im also now in the surveillance state. Yay me
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 02:58 AM
2

Yeah, i feel eaten already. Her lawyer is known for throwing everything at the wall just to see what sticks. I have her on camera talking to her law office on how to fill out the petition. And actually going to their office for tips. Its why my lawyer wont do the back and forth with them. Theres no point so were not even making a settlement offer, waste of time and money. According to my lawyer, our judge decides things based on which way the wind is blowing. Ive resigned myself to taking everyt…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 02:47 AM
2

Understood, and thats why i was asking your thoughts. Alienation is most definitely child abuse, and thats something the courts should take more seriously than the silver bullet. Amd that is something your ex is most definitely doing. I dont think my ex would actually do that, but the way the TOP came out it sure looked like it. She had something in the petition about me getting “visitation” during the TOP, but it amounted to 24 hours with no overnight and no details on exchanges. Then her lawye…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 02:17 AM
2

Good god thats even worse than what i thought. A judge so bad no one wants her to rule on anything? My brother in christ. My ex filed for temp orders in january, since then theres been a motion to remove the room mate, use OFW, mediation for custody, GAL, and now my emergency. The only things ruled on were my motions for OFW and mediation. Im just praying i dont have to pay her attorney fees but here the income disparity means its probable. And the entire court system knows this scumbag just mil…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 02:08 AM
2

Jesus. Your ex and her attorney are a piece of work. Hell just the shit that has happened to you makes me wonder how in the hell a TOP against me was even considered for a credit card. All the lying has to be exhausting. Its also gotta be exhausting to be sitting on all this evidence and not getting a chance to use it. Im also on the border, and i had my room mate, “the stranger” testify. My kids call him tio, and when the opposing lawyer asked he said yes, hes their uncle. The lawyer started he…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 01:41 AM
4

How come there were no penalties for violating the domestic order? And how the hell does a judge grant 2 continuances? Its an order of protection hearing, not a custody battle. At some point a judge has gotta say enough. The day before my hearing my lawyer submitted an emergency motion to get my ex sanctioned and give me full custody of the kids. It may not do much, But it at least gets all the lies and what shes been doing in front of the judge. Im claiming she used the DV court and TOP to circ…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 12:51 AM
8

Welcome to the club my friend. Here you learn they will give a women a temporary order of protection simply for being a woman. My stbxw literally put on the petition "removed me from credit card restricting access to community resources, demanding she share a bathroom with a stranger, restricting access to clothing/personal items, demanding communications". Literally, that is it. And because it looked like a woman coming in from the shelter (her lawyer coached her on it), they granted it. No one…
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 07:49 PM
1

Appreciate the congrats, it doesn't feel like victory when it costs you thousands of dollars just to get back to where things were. Cohabitation hell. I'm getting an audio recording of the hearing that i intend to transcribe and hold onto. My lawyer filed an emergency motion to get the ex sanctioned by the court and grant me full custody, basically saying she's gatekeeping the kids from me. I'm sure it will go nowhere, but that felt good that someone's fighting for me. She even made a doctor's a…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 07:43 PM
3

Ah, we meet again my fellow TPO'er. OP i have no opinion on the pro se, but he is correct you do need to fight. I am drowning in legal fees as well, just had a TPO dismissed last week. Just awaiting what else is going to be thrown at me since i can't get a court date. I'm just keeping my head down hoping things will turn. What else can you do? Certainly don't give up, keep fighting as best you can. As he says, try to go on the attack if you can. And hopefully the ex will get what she deserves.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 06:20 PM
8

Same here but add in a 6 year old too. Just got through a hearing where the TRO was dismissed. I feel the same as OP, it doesn't seem like the courts care about dad's being in their childrens lives. But i will keep fighting, i'll go bankrupt if i have too. This commenter is right, in the end our kids need their fathers. Don't give up OP, and even though it seems like it, know you aren't alone.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 01:02 PM
8

Same, same. Just had the TRO dropped last week after the hearing. OP better have a lawyer and a therapist, do not mix the two. Your thoughts are going to be cloudy. You need to focus on what future you would tell the now you. Getting out, doing things, these come after you get your legal ducks in a row. If you have kids, focus on them for now, everyone's world except your ex's is going to get turned upside down. I am six months in, and there's still shit from her lawyer flying my way. Everyone's…
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/25 02:55 PM
2

Yeah, thats why my lawyer filed a counter petition toe get a restraining order on her. Were alleging harassment and intimidation for falsely alleging abuse amd she needs to knock it off. Nothing will come of it though. I typed out my statement today for security, just made me angry again. They filed a motion for a GAL before we even went to mediation, so my lawyer is alleging bad faith on all fronts at this point. Going into mediation in bad faith is againt the law here. Also that she went back …
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/25 09:56 PM
2

Yeah it does sound like a lot of the same. It's not my fault she doesn't know the difference between ordering/demanding and persuasive language. In my case it's more she doesn't need to be sitting on her butt all day watching the little one when he could go into day care and she could work on her career. "i would sacrifice my life for my kids", great and noble sentiment, but that aint what's best for them. I told her being a good role model and providing for them is what's best. She even redacte…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/25 08:43 PM
2

I hear you, i may have misrepresented my comment as well. I have no idea what the evidence or witness list will be like, so i could end up in the same situation. And yeah, it does seems like it's all a game. We have to use the OFW app as well, during mediation i was telling my ex that all the child psychology studies show 50/50 in both homes results in the best outcomes. She told me "send me those studies", yeah right. And i ain't answering anything if she tries to contact me. I'm stuck with the…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/25 08:13 PM
2

Oh i totally see why they do it, but it this case the reasoning didn't meet the threshold for abuse. Removal from one credit card (she has two more and access to one joint), demanding/ordering the kids to share a room and she move into the vacant room (doesn't know the difference between should/shall), and preventing her from accessing clothing and other items (also not true and our kids accidentally lock the doors all the time). My lawyer didn't say they don't hand them out, but we don't know w…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/25 07:48 PM
7

Lol, do not agree to this as a restraining order can be fucked up. I was just served with a TRO that said i could only contact stbx through her lawyer. And anything having to do with seeing my kids was left out. My job is now in jeapordy because the TRO mentions domestic abuse. And none of my lawyers team can even figure out why it was granted. You dont sign a restraining order, you get a custody schedule or parenting plan signed that outlines the specifics allowing you to avoid each other.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 09:14 PM
2

Good for you man!! Congrats. Just went to mediation and the stbx wouldnt move off her less than 80/20 plan, and all im asking for is 50/50. Just got served with a restraining order last week the court messed up so bad i dont know if i can see my kids. Now my job is in jeapordy. Heres to hoping i can get that thrown out and get to court for 50/50.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 09:10 PM
2

I feel for you man, and i hope your situation gets better. Its awesome that you will continue to be there for your kids in spite of the struggle. I will be in your situation, will have to go to court just to get my kids half the time. Im willing to be bled dry just to keep my house as rents are sky high. But i will more than likely have to pay my ex’s attorney fees, which means i will have to take a hard look at selling. Her attorney creates issues where none exist just to create more fees. The …
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/25 12:30 PM
1

Oh buddy believe you me i thought i was doing those things. The one thing i know i didnt do enough of was take her on more dates. We didnt argue hardly ever, but i didnt realize it was because she was bottling everything up. Wasnt in tune enough due to being emotionally unintelligent and trying to do my share around the house and with the kids. She may have once wanted to spend her life with me, but that woman is gone. She filed and brought out the big guns, something i never wanted.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/25 01:50 AM
1

I dont know if my ex wants to avoid or not, but hell i want to go to trial. But yeah i get it for you. Im hoping any alimony is minimal for 4 years, and even trading assets to not have to pay that at all. Im hoping to keep the home, and cut my TSP in half to pay her the asset portion. Im going to be working forever anyway with a 3 year old. And man do i near you on the CS, thatll be a big number for me too. I know my ex is looking to “settle on her terms”. But with that stupid parenting plan she…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/25 05:19 PM
1

Im glad you were able to make it work. I wish my kids were older (6 and 3) so they could understand, and make a decision for themselves. And thank you for sharing, i dont know if it will come to this but this will help prepare.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/25 04:08 PM
1

Thank you for the advice. And yeah, i dont talk to her at all. Were required to use the OFW app so every once in a while i send a message saying the boys should share a room, and sshe needs to move into the vacant space. My lawyer at least looks at what the scumbag sends over, and only sends to me if they think we need to respond. I see it now about all the games, and i hope the judge sees that scumbag for what he is. All im looking for is 50/50 on the kids and a fair split. Also hoping the judg…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/25 04:04 PM
2

Exactly the same. I got the letter saying no mediation because im domineering and a bully. They wanted a GAL, then they sent another saying “oh, we didnt disagree, but my client has no money”. Yeah we want the more expensive option but dont wanna pay for it. And yeah, im definitely a bully for the grey rocking. Gimme a fucking break. In my case my lawyer wants to go to court to get this crap over with. And yet we wait.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/25 03:58 PM
1

I guess i'm lucky in a sense she's always been a good mom regarding that stuff. Although she doesn't cook anymore (it's all fast food) so the kids aren't gonna know what a vegetable is. It's crazy that she's holding my steady job against me, as i basically take care of the kids when i get home and get them through bath/bedtime routines. She's only been able do drop off/pick up because she could be a SAHM, a waitress job isn't gonna pay the bills with 2 kids. She's tried to become super mom after…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 09:06 PM
3

I wish you luck man. I've got mediation for custody next week as well, and that's going to go absolutely nowhere. Hopefully you get your outcome, and i hope i do to. I've been the weekend dad before, and i feel like i missed out on so much. keep your head up.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 06:06 PM
2

Glad i could add a bright spot to your day. It definitely sucks when they hire that type of lawyer. And the SB is why were arguing against the eviction. Not to mention the cameras. Just another reason i can't wait for her to gtfo.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 06:03 PM
4

Yeah same, i at least have a solid group of friends that know what's going on. I know that i'm the villain. And same, i believe two equally involved parents are what's best for the kids. I'm getting the crap story about "stability for the kids is best". Meaning she gets the house, continues to drop off/pick up from school everyday, and can stick to working part time. Seems like she thinks since she asked for the divorce she knows what's best for everyone and things won't change.. Gimme a break
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 05:18 PM
3

I hear ya man. I don't even think she's crazy, she's doing whatever the lawyer tells her too. All three lawyer's ive talked to say the same thing about the guy, he creates conflict where none exists and he's not in it to help his clients. There was no complaints about the roommate for 11 years, now there trying to force me into a different court to evict. I did the overnight math and the stupid parenting plan came out to less than 80/20 custody. It's hard to believe money was spent putting that …
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 05:13 PM
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