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WhydIJoinRedditAgain Archive

View 2 posts and 231 comments by WhydIJoinRedditAgain on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
3

WhydIJoinRedditAgain/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 07:10 PM
1

Getting StartedWhydIJoinRedditAgain/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 01:11 AM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
2

Sounds like you were trying to do your part and she wasn’t interested in doing her’s, and that ends up somehow being your fault. It isn’t.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/26 09:48 PM
7

So she’s abandoning you in your time of illness and she’s turning it around to be your fault, what questions are there to ask?
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/26 01:02 PM
1

Fuck her rules. Why does she get to make rules for you. Tell her you aren’t following them. What’s she gonna do, divorce you? She gave up any leverage she had to control your behavior when she asked for a divorce. The bad thing happened. She’s got no leverage over you, but you have to realize that.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/26 12:37 PM
5

Not a lawyer, but why does she have the cat if you want it? Why aren’t you confronting her with her betrayal through infidelity? Stop being a nice guy.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/26 04:55 PM
3

I went through something very similar with my stbx reconnecting with an ex. I know that I went into my marriage with my whole heart committed to one person. I thought she had, too, but that wasn’t true. That isn’t my fault. She didn’t deal properly with her feelings about an old flame. That isn’t anything you could have known. It’s a moral failing on her part, and it made it impossible for your marriage to work.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 04:28 PM
3

I hope that is this a fundamental shift for you, but if I were you I would mentally prepare myself for this to be a “pink cloud” type experience. In addiction recovery, the “pink cloud” is when you’re a month or two in to being clean and everything seems really good. Like, really good. You’re sober, you’re interacting with people with new energy, you aren’t always either hung over or fucked up, you’ve paid you bills on time, things are looking up. It’s an emotional and likely brain-chemical reac…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 01:05 AM
9

Cheating isn’t something a civil person does, OP.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 08:25 PM
3

I would feel apathetic.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 01:18 AM
1

Don’t send it to OC, send it directly to your wife and if she wants to involve attorneys, that starts with her. You’ve given notice.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 01:21 AM
7

Hey brother, I think many of the men on here know how you feel. It’s emotional whiplash. And it is a shitty way to treat someone. I don’t know where the idea that married people are always going to be deeply in love with one another came from. It is supposed to be about making a commitment to be each other’s person and work through those times. And it’s a failing on her part, not yours, that she can’t see that. I wish I had advice, but I will say that it gets better. Work on yourself, engage wit…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 12:21 AM
8

I don’t have any advice, but you’re both you wife’s ex for the same reason: her.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/26 01:54 AM
12

Even of it was 100% your fault, which I highly, highly doubt, you are still entitled to live in your home and see you kids. Move back in. Today. She wants you out? Fine. She can want that all day long. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t legally entitled to be there. Make her reach an agreement or file and get a court order. Until then, it’s your house, too. Hell, take the master bedroom. I did. Your kids need you. And frankly, you have rights as a parent. Don’t just give them away, it will come bac…
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 05:24 PM
3

Second this. It sounds like there is plenty of blame to go around. Having been separated for the last 11 months, I absolutely started from a place of “this is all my fault.” I think, as men, we are conditioned to accept responsibility for our actions, and when our marriages go to hell we look at what we’d done and take responsibility for it. I’m not a red pill guy at all, but I do think that women don’t get that same conditioning and there is an echo chamber among women, especially if they have …
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/26 09:45 PM
3

Second this. Demand a night for yourself. For so long I prioritized the kids and letting her do her things. Soccer practice happens to be on the night I wanted to do something? Guess I am not doing anything for me. No more. I demanded a night. I go to a meditation group and it has been really helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 01:13 PM
1

At least in my case, I view my divorce as a hostile act. To treat it any differently is to give in to manipulation from the person doing the act.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 01:10 PM
7

I want to rephrase what you said as to why it was your fault: She demanded you change your behavior and when you didn’t she wanted a divorce. Did you ever demand she change her behaviors? Did she? Were her demands that YOU change consistent with what you wanted and needed? Were your behaviors wrong, in your eyes? I blamed myself for a long time. Then I realized I had always changed my behaviors to suit her, but she never listened to me about her behaviors. Oh, and she was having an emotional aff…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 12:54 AM
1

Addicts never get sober for someone else; the desire to be clean and sober has to come from within her. There is NOTHING you could have done to make her want to be sober. Try to get out as cheaply as you can. Don’t believe her accusations of abuse and don’t let them be a part of the conversation about an agreement. You don’t owe her for how you reacted to her bad behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 11:03 PM
10

God I fucking wish this was my biggest problem.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/26 03:30 AM
1

I forgot my anniversary this year, after we’d been separated for almost nine months. I remembered three or four days later. It was so nice to be like “oh, I’ve healed enough that this date passed me by unnoticed.”
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/26 11:24 PM
3

You’re lawyer isn’t your therapist. Lawyers are for business: what you want, what you have evidence for, what behavior is legal, what could put you at a disadvantage, what your legal strategy is.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/26 07:22 PM
1

A blessing is not giving any credence to her bullshit victim mentality!
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 10:24 PM
2

It sucks. It sucks sucks sucks. I am not agreeing to move out (the idea is she’ll buy me out) until I have an agreement. But I fucking hate this.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 09:05 PM
1

I guess. I have a tendency to take on responsibility for how other people feel, as though I can somehow do something about it. Part of divorce and separation for me is that I have taken that burden off my shoulders (or the idea of that burden, because in truth I couldn’t control how someone else feels to begin with). If she’s uncomfortable, that is her problem.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 12:09 PM
1

So glad to hear it! This is a good choice. Be with your kids; I find so much joy in mine, even in these rough times.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 11:06 AM
4

That does not mean that you aren’t entitled to anything. You need an attorney. Don’t let her fuck you over. Move back in until the courts say otherwise.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/26 04:38 PM
2

One of the things that I focus on is: what is in my control and am I effectively advocating for myself? I’m separated 11 months now (VA, you have to be separated a year to file no-fault). Would my soon-to-be-ex wife have preferred I left the house, not seen the kids, blamed myself for everything, and put myself in a position for her to say she should get everything she wants? Yes. Did I do any of those things? Fuck no. But you are doing all those things. Why? You’re homeless when you have been d…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/26 04:23 PM
16

Hey dude, I know what my first impulse would be: imagine having a long-term relationship, maybe even a marriage with this woman, pick out the drapes, think about the timeline for introducing the kids, and maybe calculate how screwed I would be if we got divorced. And then I would slap myself upside the head and tell myself to just try to enjoy the date.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/26 12:06 PM
1

I get it. My wife had an emotional affair with a trans woman. I try not to fixate on that aspect of it, more than she (AF) happens to be the kind of piece of shit who’d pursue someone who was married. It doesn’t mean that’s more true of any other trans person than anyone else in the world or that I am going to become transphobic, I just doesn’t like that particular asshole because she did me harm. Being against discrimination means recognizing that assholes come in all stripes and you can dislik…
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 02:25 PM
1

Hey man, congratulations on discovering an unconscious racial bias. We all have ‘em, and they often bring up conflict between who we think we’re supposed to be and what we feel. I’m not saying it’s good, but you can address it. Would you find something to latch on to about any guy your ex was dating? Likely. It just happens that you are fixation on race. You don’t have to like him. But the response to racism shouldn’t be colorblindness, it should be anti-racism. Race is a thing, it exists, and w…
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 01:41 PM
1

Can you pack up her stuff so it doesn’t remind you every moment (or better yet, say “I won’t be here between such and such a time on such and such days, come get your shit or it goes in a box in the hallway.”)? It sounds like you are doing the right things. Time just takes time. Feel free to reach out.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 01:26 PM
3

That you lost your job wasn’t within your control. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to earn and get back to full time employment. Marriages are supposed to be partnerships. It doesn’t sound like your wife was a good partner when you needed one. We can all expect to struggle at different points in our lives. To think otherwise is to disregard all the evidence of our human experience. It sounds like there is more going on with her, but at a minimum she actively refused to be a suppo…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/26 03:32 PM
5

Good man.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/26 01:54 PM
16

In the long term, knowing you’re not the kind of bastard who’d fuck another man’s wife feels better than nutting. In the short term, nutting is a lot better. Do you want to live life based on immediacy or long-term well-being.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/26 01:31 PM
5

The reason you aren’t getting a good experience dating on the apps is the same reason most people lose in Vegas: it’s an environment designed to keep you there while you lose.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 10:09 PM
6

Take a few minutes to get your head together. Your in-law committed a B&E and assault. File a police report on them now. Get them in jail if possible. Do not bail your wife out. Go hard on make sure all these people get consequences for assaulting you. Call a divorce attorney first thing Monday and have the police reports on hand. Their actions have made doing this nicely impossible. Fuck them. Protect yourself. Edit: This person is no longer your partner. She is your assaulter. You don’t leave,…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/26 01:10 PM
13

Your plan continues to prioritize her needs/requests over yourself and what you think is best. You need to be you and prioritize your kids and yourself. Doing what you think she’d like you to do hasn’t gotten you what you wanted.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 03:54 PM
2

No. If someone has small children, they should help them pick gifts for an ex’s special occasions. Otherwise, no gift. If you absolutely can’t help yourself, a card at most.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/26 05:22 PM
7

Never used an app (still separated, met before apps were a thing), but I think that is kinda the premise of Coffee Meets Bagel.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/26 01:53 PM
4

Serenity and peace aren’t about being a doormat. Peace is about accepting what is beyond one’s control and changing the circumstances of what is within one’s control. Telling the difference can be hard, for sure, but not providing for the livelihood and contributing to the success of someone who has wronged you on a deep level is an easy one.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 09:08 PM
21

I think “Not wanting to patronize the business that employs the guy fucking his wife” is a pretty fair reason.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 04:24 PM
11

Yeah, do it. Good call on getting the agreement settled first, but I would be on the lookout for any anti-defamation clauses in the agreement and checking with your lawyer before sending the messages.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 04:14 PM
9

“…when your enemy is executing a false movement, never interrupt [her].” - Napoleon
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 01:55 PM
2

Sampling bias in action.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 05:18 PM
15

Yeah, the “let’s be friends” stuff is really “if you continue to be nice about being walked all over I won’t have to feel bad about the shit I did.”
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 02:11 AM
5

Two scenarios: Mostly likely she’ll say no and you’ll just feel bad about yourself. Unlikely scenario is that she does come back. And then what? I don’t know your relationship, but she’ll know you’ll always beg for her back, you’ll always forgive her, you’ll aways take the blame. Again, I may be projecting, you need to think about what it might look like to be the dog that catches the car.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/26 09:16 PM
11

Man, you sound like a victim of fraud. Congratulations.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/26 11:42 AM
4

She’s due in July 2026 and she told you she was done last June? Were you two sleeping together between when she said she wanted out and November when she moved? Because otherwise that math doesn’t work. I’d get a test.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/26 02:05 PM
5

Oh, god, I am going through this shit in trying to get an agreement. What’s mine is ours, what’s ours is ours, what’s her’s is hers.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/26 10:53 AM
1

First, I think you should contact a divorce lawyer, spend a few hundred dollars on a consultation, and work out for yourself what, in case of divorce, would be an acceptable outcome for you. Get a line on a few marriage counselors and have those ready. I would then bring your concerns to your wife. Ask her for a good time to have a conversation and outline what you’ve said here. Say how it makes you feel. Say how you have changed your behavior because of it (sounds like you’re walking on eggshel…
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 07:10 PM
1

Yeah, it sounds like ::gasp:: she might be part of the problem.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 07:49 PM
1

I read this and I feel really optimistic for you, man. You have had a grueling experience, but you’ve had the tools for making the best of it laid at your doorstep. A diagnosis and therapy, and learning to recognize and change your behaviors, can put you in a really good spot for creating a great life for yourself. And the experience of being a father-figure and those relationship with the boys could stand you well in the future. Your devotion to them speaks highly of your character. Sounds like…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 05:53 PM
4

Why do asshats generalize about people?
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/26 01:47 PM
5

Man, this post sucks. I would prefer this sub be about supporting each other during a really difficult experience and getting support in kind, not spreading bullshit incel redpill crap. Grow up, OP.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/26 12:27 PM
8

I literally pray every day that I don’t come away from my divorce this bitter. Edit: lol this guy isn’t even divorced. What weakness of character. Grow up.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 03:32 PM
11

If you are representing yourself and she has a lawyer, you might as well just pay for everything because you’re signing up to get fucked.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 07:01 PM
2

Why does she need to do something for you to walk away? “You seem really nice but I don’t think we’re a good fit” is a perfectly reasonable thing to say. I am not dating again yet, but I know when I start I’m doing to be a lot more discerning than “this person is willing to give me some of their time.”
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 01:09 PM
2

Have you been found guilty by a court? If you haven’t it doesn’t really matter. Get yourself a lawyer, don’t admit to anything in any way. Maybe stop doing illegal shit because you decide that’s the right thing to do (I’m kinda assuming you did some coke or something), not because her lawyer wants leverage.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/26 11:10 PM
2

So you may have less to worry, because it’s marital assets that get divided. Any assets gained during the four months you were married. If you owned your car before, she’s not entitled to half your car. You are going to be okay.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 08:37 PM
4

She asked for a separation in early August. I had a work trip the next week and didn’t want to answer any questions from colleagues (doubt anyone would have noticed, but I was feeling self conscious). Found out she’d been having an emotional affair a week or so later. Haven’t worn it since.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 04:05 AM
7

You don’t deserve this. You deserve someone who will show the same kind of commitment to you you show to them, even when you’re struggling as a couple. Especially when you’re struggling as a couple. I honestly do not understand why people betray one another and then excuse it by saying they had issues in the marriage. That’s what marriage is supposed to be, sticking it out when times are tough because you made a commitment to one another and trusting they will be good again. You have the integri…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 01:12 PM
3

Take some time and outline all your financials. Retirement savings, any property (cars, furnishing, items of value, etc), cash or investments, business holdings/equity. Think of your ideal child custody arrangements. Think about costs (childcare, activities) and how you would like them to look. Estimate total cost of living now and think about what you may have to pay out on an ongoing basis. Outline employment scenarios for your wife. It sucks she stays at home. That is going to fuck you. Think…
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/26 01:24 PM
2

I am in a similar situation with the living together while separated. She had an emotional affair, she asked for the divorce, blah blah blah… And I have been doing the same inner work you’re describing and I have never felt more whole. And if she begged for forgiveness tomorrow (she won’t, I have no delusions) I wouldn’t take her back. I accepted unacceptable shit for years. I am focused on being a better me and being a better father. It’s liberating.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 02:51 AM
24

Her happiness is no longer your responsibility bruh. That’s what divorce is.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 07:25 PM
5

Hey brother, time takes time. It sucks, but you are doing all the right things for long-term happiness. It’s just that doing those things aren’t always super rewarding in the short term. And she’s high on her new-found “freedom” or whatever while you’re building a foundation, and building a foundation is brick-by-brick hard work. You’ll be solid ground when her dream house on the sand gets washed away.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 03:56 PM
0

Oh, I am not worried about their mental health. Only my own.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 07:30 PM
10

I think I would rather be single than go on the dating apps.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 07:03 PM
13

She physically assaulted you. You got the cops involved and have everything documented. You did the right thing.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 05:00 PM
3

What I am looking forward to is no longer being “wrong” when I am right.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 04:25 PM
1

I’m about your age and felt the same way. Even though I have had good friends, I hadn’t kept in touch as well as I would have liked, especially with small children and since the pandemic. I luckily kept in touch with some good friends from college (we’d played some TTRPGs online over the pandemic), but I also struggled with not wanting to share my discomfort and pain with other people. So I forced myself to go through my contacts in my phone, my old Facebook friends list, family member, etc and …
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 02:51 PM
10

Cmnd + shift + 4 is screenshot on a mac. Capture everything and send it to yourself ASAP, OP!
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 09:03 PM
5

I have felt like my sense of worth was stolen from me. I tried to do everything I could for my wife and my family, and it wasn’t enough. But how much of that had to do with me? I have been able to work hard on myself, through therapy, reengaging with 12-step work (been sober for 20 years but hadn’t been doing meetings/program for a decade), reading self help books, meditating, exercising, and being purposeful about how I spend time with my kids, my friends, and my family (siblings/parents). And …
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 01:48 PM
3

You need to contact any attorney first thing. Different places have different rules. Tell attorney everything about the abuse and have them help you make a plan.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 02:12 AM
3

Your HR will be able to calculate it for the time you were married. I would reach out to them to get a pension benefits annual report. You wouldn’t be the first person in your organization to get a divorce. My STBX is going after mine, it pisses me off so much. I put money into saving and retirement and she put every penny into her business, which I may never see a cent from.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 08:22 PM
2

I had an instance where I was sick as a dog and prioritized lying down because I literally couldn’t keep going. She brought it up in counseling as an example of my selfishness. That is to say, by the end, anything that I did for myself, prioritizing myself, was resented by her. Fuck that.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 02:50 PM
2

I know it is superficial, but my stbx hasn’t done a sit-up since the years ended in “teen.” It will be better to be alone.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 02:19 PM
4

You need to document in writing that you do not agree to seeing other people. Send an email or a text and save a copy of it.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 04:16 PM
3

Hey brother, sorry you’re going through this. Seems like a kind of bait and switch. It isn’t your fault; they seem like a mess. Seems like they and this trans-masc guy are really pulling out all the stops to queer heterosexuality using accounting tricks. You’ve got time, and you aren’t in a bad spot. You have a sympathetic narrative of your divorce and the women you’ll be dating are likely to be early thirties and will be able to tell you right away if they want a family. Despite my pending divo…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 12:09 AM
1

What was so hard for me is that I learned from painful experience, well before I met my wife, that it was best for me to admit when I was wrong, admit it, and do what I could to make it right. I feel like my stbx actively used my willingness to admit my faults against me, especially since she was never willing to admit being wrong.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 10:50 PM
1

Can you clarify what you mean by everything changed when she went on med? It seemed to me that when my stbx went on meds shit got worse. It was like she was able to do all the maladjusted behaviors more effectively.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 04:24 PM
4

Good for you, man. I know this likely won’t help to say, maybe something that will help to realize years down the road, but if your marriage had to end it is good that it ended now. Before you started making good money, before you had kids, before you had a house. I’m about twenty years older than you and let me tell you, sharing a mortgage and three kids and my ex-wife going after my pension and 401k is a lot worse.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 03:09 PM
5

My stbx has ADHD. One of the symptoms of ADHD is extreme inflexibility, especially if undiagnosed until adulthood. They are always right, even when they are wrong. Even if the preponderance of the evidence that you are a great catch and her dumb actions led to her breaking the marriage off, she wouldn’t be able to change her own mind. It’s the inflexibility of the ADHD. And if it isn’t within her power to change herself, it certainly isn’t within your power to somehow make her change. Also, plea…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 02:51 PM
1

This is a great answer. What I would add is: don’t be afraid to fire a therapist if you think it isn’t a good fit and come with an agenda. Spend a lot of time think about what you want to get out of the process. Do you want to be less angry? Do you want to deal with the grief? Do you want guidance for addressing what you see as your deficiencies or changing your behaviors? If you don’t know what you want and are just going to therapy because people tell you to do therapy, you won’t get anything …
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 02:18 PM
5

Been there. On the other hand, I am putting that effort into rediscovering myself. I’ve read 16 books so far in 2026, I am doing meditation regularly, I joined a church, I reconnected with friends, I am exercising more regularly.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/26 09:32 PM
19

One interesting fact I have come across is that lesbian marriages have higher divorce rates than heterosexual marriages, which in term have higher divorce rate than gay male marriages. I think men are more willing to put up with some bullshit while keeping the larger goal in mind, more patient during times where we’re not fully in love, and more willing to change their behavior to accommodate the needs of their partner. I think women are fed a load of crap about putting themselves first.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/26 06:57 PM
5

Four months seems kinda quick to introduce a new woman. I haven’t gotten there yet, still separated, so what do I know, except that I dated a good number of women in my twenties for four, six, nine months? Whatever happens, you should break the agreement with your ex-wife. Sounds like a verbal agreement? “I changed my mind.” No argument, no negotiation, no giving space to her anxiety. Why give her an ounce more control over your life beyond the divorce decree or whatever you have?
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/26 02:16 AM
1

Um, do you have access to the children’s passports and a safe place to put them? I would talk to a lawyer, but there is no way in hell I would let my (soon-to-be-ex) wife take my kids out of the country. Hide those passports, absorb whatever the consequence of that action is, and keep them in the country. Once she does that it may be very, very difficult to get them back in any way.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 12:54 PM
1

Are you working a recovery program and going to meetings?
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 11:53 PM
1

So your problem is enforcing boundaries?
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 09:41 PM
0

Good luck with that without a pre-nup.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 08:23 PM
3

I haven’t started dating yet, but why can’t you just state how you feel and ask her to respect that? Something like “Since our date I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my emotional well-being and have decided that I need to take time to get myself straightened out before jumping into a romantic relationship. You’re great, this is about me.”
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 01:58 PM
7

One thing: do not move out of the house until your lawyer says so. The hardest part for me has been ridding myself of a “we” mentality. I spent years doing what I thought was best for “us.” Now I concentrate on trying to see what is in the best interests of my children and myself. She’s proven she’s good at only looking out for herself.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 09:16 AM
1

Eight goddamn months. Virginia has sone odd rules and I am not living until I have some sort of agreement. It doesn’t feel like “cheating” when I go out, but I get what you’re getting at. For years I had been bending over backwards to accommodate everyone else, which basically came down to me always being the one to sacrifice my time to take care of the kids. I have demanded a more equitable arrangement for cooking and shit. Being a doormat didn’t work to keep my marriage together, so I have sto…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 12:05 AM
4

I don’t know what exact hell you are in, but I am separated and still living together and it sucks. A few things I have done: Tried to get enough sleep, going to bed early. Exercising and jogging. I took Wednesday. For years my wife had been taking art classes a few night a week, but I never took time for myself and if I did if something came up, I felt the need to cancel. So I said Wednesdays are mine. I usually got to the tobacconist and go to a mindfulness meditation group, but I can do whate…
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/26 06:39 PM
1

In my opinion, if you think she’s just doing counseling to confirm within herself that she’s making the right choice, you have no obligation to expend time, money, and emotionally energy just so she can find a way to feel better about her choices.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 04:10 PM
1

Hey man, you’re not a piece of shit. You had one indiscretion when you were impaired. You didn’t have an affair, you didn’t sleep with anyone, you didn’t set out to betray anyone. You were kissed by someone else, and if the gender roles were reversed, everyone would be telling you that you were taken advantage of in an inebriated state as a (cruel) prank. If a guy did that to a group of drunk women, the story would be that he was a predator. Can you reach out to your Navy buddies? High school fr…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 12:20 PM
0

Best choice! Engaging in any way was a no-win scenario for you.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 04:41 PM
6

This is a subreddit for men going through divorce, kthxbye
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 09:35 PM
3

I don’t know, dude. I don’t particularly appreciate it when women comment on this subreddit. I can understand why they might feel the same.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 01:14 PM
3

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I imagine you must have a mix of emotions and it can be confusing. Your feelings are valid. You aren’t a joke. It sounds like you were manipulated for immigration. She got what she wanted and you no longer served her purpose. I bet she’s called you abusive or whatever and put the blame on you, but you should take some time to recognize what your part was in the marriage falling apart and assess what parts her’s are. I hope, in the end, you’ll discover that yo…
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 01:07 PM
1

That’s why Freidrich Engles never got married.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 07:38 PM
1

I have no idea how we’re going to split the toys, but since I will be taking well less than 50% I think I will have some discretion. A toy library sounds like a good idea. I am also thinking of using a workbench with three levels for toys that are “out,” with each kid having a surface they can have.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 02:37 PM
1

Do you have any tips for dealing with children’s toys? I hopefully will be moving out soon, and my wife is a hoarder, so the amount of toys in our home (along with everything else) has been overwhelming. In my next home, I hope to have a space outside the bedrooms for my kid’s toys (sleep hygiene has been a point of contention between myself and the stbx) but I don’t know how much space I will have. I will certainly have fewer toys, but I do want them to be accessible and have a way to organize …
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 01:52 PM
1

First of all you gotta get you attorney to help you find someone to evict the parasite of an in-law you got there. In you filed and have proof she’s having an affair you’ll likely do 50/50 or better. I get angry about it sometimes, but just because a divorcing woman thinks she’ll get all she wants, says she’ll get all she wants, or believes she’ll get what she wants, doesn’t mean she’ll actually get what she wants.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 02:24 AM
3

Hey, what is stopping you from stopping the immigration process, getting on a plane back to the UK and start living your life? She had just as much a responsibility to you as you did to her. Whose idea was it to move halfway around the world in the first place?
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 12:10 AM
7

I blamed myself for my wife’s emotional affair for a while, and then I realize how twisted that was. Your wife fucked up your marriage, OP. Not you.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 11:10 PM
3

The only thing I want is to see my kids more (we’re still living together now, but post-settlement). Congratulations.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/26 03:44 PM
1

Yes, maybe I would have been nicer if she hadn’t, after deciding not to breastfeed our third child, also decided that she wasn’t going to be waking up to do night feedings. I would have been more receptive to her concerns if I wasn’t completely sleep-deprived for 12 months.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/26 01:46 PM
17

“she doesn’t think she can’t wait for me to change to who she wants me to be in a reasonable amount of time” My friend, if you change who you are for her neither of you will like you.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/26 06:28 PM
1

Good, just keep it up!
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/26 01:35 PM
2

It does help, I hope. I have been sober for twenty years so I doubt it will come up in my case, but I have warned my lawyer it is possible it will be used against me (neither stbx or kids have ever known me to drink). Are you doing meetings? Might help to show you’re serious. Are you abstinent from alcohol as well?
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/26 01:07 PM
2

You seem to be of the opinion that she’s going to get everything she wants. She will, but only if you don’t fight back.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/26 05:18 PM
1

Why is this an uncontested divorce? Are you in a place you can file for fault? She made herself into your enemy. You didn’t cheat, she did. You aren’t threatening child alienation, she is. You don’t owe anything for her kids from the previous relationship. You need to start advocating for yourself yesterday. Hire an attorney, even if you need to borrow the money. You’ll likely more than make it back on the terms of the divorce. I know it is hard. I am in the thick of it myself. Nothing makes it …
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/26 05:13 PM
2

Dot you have a sixty-second “oh, my marriage ended, here’s a bit about why, but I don’t want to talk about it” thing to say? I don’t think you should dwell in conversation on it with this woman (who you should ask out, btw), but saying nothing might not be appropriate, either. Like an elevator pitch on why your last relationship ended and why you are in an emotional place to date again.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/26 08:35 PM
1

I blamed myself so much when my wife asked for a separation. I looked only at myself and my actions and how I couldn’t control the outcome. I felt like a huge failure. Having been separated now for a few months (still living together, fucking shoot me) and having done a lot of work on myself, doing therapy, doing structured analysis of the marriage, I realize I am not totally to blame. Basically, I have come to the conclusion that if my wife had been the least bit flexible, not actively hid her …
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 02:48 PM
3

Hey, folks on this sub recommended I read “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover and I have found it helpful, based on what you said here I think you should give it a look. No one can do everything right.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 05:25 PM
15

One of my goals in my divorce for the person I want to be afterwards is that I not become a misogynist. That said, it has become very clear that there are a lot of problems with how our society views heterosexual relationships and marriage and that there is an overarching narrative of blaming men that is fucking wild. Women somehow get a pass for being the ones who seek divorce as if it’s justified. But if you look at lesbian marriages, the divorce rates are higher than heterosexual marriages, w…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 12:06 PM
7

It absolutely sucks, but her feelings aren’t your responsibility. And the truth is we can’t control other people’s feelings. If she choices a house built on sand (being along) over one built on a rock (your commitment) and it collapses, she only has herself to blame.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 01:34 PM
3

What do you actually hope to accomplish? You’re already getting a divorce. If somehow a confrontation is going to put you in a better negotiating position (i.e. if proof of cheating would allow you to file for cause or you live in one of the few places you can sue for alienation of affection), that should be the goal of the confrontation. Otherwise you’d likely be pitting yourself in a position to hurt any negotiating position you might already have. If your goal is to feel better about yourself…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 05:06 PM
1

Call the cops, file a report.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 12:27 PM
1

Did she open an account in your name without your permission, or was she using a credit card you were both on already? The first one is a crime, the second you can’t really do anything about besides get her de-authorized.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 12:13 PM
7

This could be a gift. Because that right there is credit card fraud. Identity theft, possibly. Call the cops. Get it documented.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 02:03 AM
2

I wish you the best. I would insist on couple’s counseling to get to the bottom of what’s going on, and she go to individual therapy. If she isn’t willing to do the work, she’s not actually serious. One thing I have realized is that I can’t MAKE someone else be happy. It isn’t in my power. People have to take responsibility for their own happiness, and that can even happen if someone is in a marriage. I wouldn’t fire my lawyer, but I think you should take it seriously. It would be a shame to see…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 10:20 PM
7

We’ve all been there and what the other guys are saying is right on. You’ll likely also be very angry sometimes. It is really important to have people you can call and talk to honestly. You’re going to need to get things off you chest that you can’t say to you soon-to-be-ex or anyone you don’t trust, things you might not mean but need to say. Find some other men you can talk to, reconnect, work on your friendships. It’s a lifesaver.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 10:27 PM
4

How is her having one night stands not cheating? I know that the laws are different in different places, but if you are still legally married, there isn’t an agreement in place that says you can see other people, or you state law allows for people to have sex with others before the divorce is final, it’s still adultery. You need to grasp that her best interests are no longer your best interests. You need to stop think of you and your wife as “us.” There is no more “we” or “us” in this marriage. …
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 01:14 PM
10

The emotional rollercoaster of “I am hurt and angry and betrayed” to “I have a renewed hope for freedom, happiness and sanity” is incredibly real.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/26 06:17 PM
2

So you didn’t actually sign anything? Stop paying until you get to see your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 02:04 PM
1

You said the agreement was between the two of you. Written? Oral? Signed? Bound by a judges order? If it isn’t court ordered cut it off until you see your kids. She is alienating them from you.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 01:45 AM
3

What are you doing to take care of yourself and get out of your own head? I would be very concerned about you having nothing to do but dwell all day long, I know that would be bad for me. Are you doing therapy, eating right, sleeping enough, getting exercise, and spending time with other people? I don’t think quitting your job and burning through your savings is going to make you feel better.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 08:11 PM
2

I am not out of the woods yet, but I have been on the phone every day with my support network, friends and family who can listen and be supportive. Remember, if you did the work and honored your commitment, you can’t blame yourself too much. It’s important that we inventory our behavior and own our failures and shortcomings, but if she decided she didn’t want to be a partner with you in that, it isn’t your failure. That’s hers.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/26 07:46 PM
1

I hate that shit. Yeah, it might make me feel less horrible now, but it also cuts me off from moments of joy and hope. Grey middle ground of emotional feeling? No thanks. Though the STBX is psychopharmacologied out the ass…
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/26 11:40 PM
6

Oh, she won’t. She’ll spend the rest of her days in a psychopharmacological grey zone. She won’t experience extreme sadness, but she won’t experience joy either.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 11:51 PM
3

Do you live in a no-fault state? Last I heard adultery makes someone liable. Stop trusting your wife.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 07:48 PM
3

I think you do need to know what you want to even choose the right person, the right type of therapy. Do you want to change your behaviors or thought patterns? Maybe Cognitive Behavior Therapy. Do you want to discover who you are? Maybe something more humanistic. Are you emotionally unstable and don’t know why? Maybe psychotherapy. Are you traumatized (note: I think there is a LOT of bullshit out there about “trauma.” My STBX talks about “trauma” and it’s like, no, I wasn’t nice to you when you …
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 10:20 PM
3

Yeah, OP should not engage and just forward a screenshot of the text to his attorney with some context.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 12:40 AM
4

Probably waiting to just take the affair partner’s.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/26 12:12 AM
1

This is more of financial services question, but it's unlikely the house is going to go down in value. If I wasn't in a cash crunch I would say rent for now and you can always change your mind and sell later if something comes up.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 07:14 PM
4

Dude. Your reward for eating shit pie is always more shit pie.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 06:31 PM
3

I feel this and I have found a solution that works for me: sandwich in the bitching and moaning with questions and conversation about them. I mean, it’s basic communication, right? People like to talk about themselves. And they are more likely to be able to listen to you if they have already spoken about themselves or another topic of mutual interest. Don’t start conversations “You wouldn’t believe what my wife is doing and here’s how hurt I am by it.” They know. It isn’t that they don’t care, t…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 06:28 PM
9

I was in a similar situation, was doing all the work. Got some bullshit about her doing all the invisible mental labor. Sure was fucking invisible.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 02:20 AM
0

God damn you must be awful at parties.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 06:24 PM
2

I would never dream, in a million years, of entering into a women’s in-person support group and voicing my opinion, not matter how nice or supportive that opinion may be. I’m not welcome there. I am not entitled for my opinion to be heard there. I shouldn’t be welcome there. Women need their spaces. Men do, too. And online spaces should be respect the same as in-person spaces. This isn’t “an old bar in the 70’s.” It isn’t about unwritten rules of exclusion. It is about stated safe spaces for men…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 06:01 PM
4

Why are you commenting in what is supposed to be a safe space for men to process their divorces?
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 05:15 PM
1

Have you both acknowledged and taken accountability for your behaviors and taken steps change the behaviors that caused the problems? Are both of you capable of doing that?
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 01:38 PM
1

Bro. The “revenge dating” you did sounds awful for everyone involved. It’s disrespectful to yourself and anyone you’d go on a date with. It isn’t disrespectful to your ex because she obviously doesn’t give a fuck. The “silly memes” she’s sending you are just keeping you on the hook. Someday she’ll need something from you and will use that as evidence that you’re still “friends” or whatever. She’s not your friend. You should feel bad about dating if you’re dating AT your ex wife. Who again, DGAF.…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 06:57 PM
1

You can find information on meetings by googling “aa (your city)”, there is often a regional “intergroup” website that has a list. There is also an app for smart phones called “meeting guide,” the icon is a folding chair on a blue background. There are also clubs in many places that have lots of different types of meetings, not just AA but also NA, codependent anonymous, gamblers anonymous, etc. You can also DM me and I would be happy to talk.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 07:51 PM
1

I wouldn’t suggest that self-affirmation alone will get someone through this. I have been focusing on therapy and reading self-help books and I have re-engaged with 12-step recovery (been abstinent for 20 years but hadn’t been doing a program for a long time), but I think to change our vision of ourselves we need to a). change our behaviors and b). acknowledge to ourselves the behaviors and beliefs we had been doing that were good but that we’d been seeking outside validation for instead of self…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 01:34 PM
2

I can’t really. I do 12-step meetings (have for many years) and make sure some of those are men’s meetings (recovery groups have some gender-segregated meetings).
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 03:37 PM
3

Many men feel this way. You are not unique in this. I have felt this way myself. You are lovable. There is a lot of help out there. There are men’s groups and therapists and self-help books and courses. There are actions you can take to build your vision of yourself. And, in my personal opinion, while I am going through a divorce and it is really fucking hard, it is more important to love myself than it is for me to seek affirmation from a woman in a romantic scenario. It is more important for m…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 03:22 PM
2

Hey, getting a divorce in VA, too. Less cut-and-dry than your, but doing a no-fault divorce. VA has both fault and no-fault divorces. A no-fault can take place after a year separated (but “separation” in VA is a bit tricky, it isn’t something you file with the state or anything). A fault divorce, which you have the option of with evidence of an affair, can be filed any time. You have leverage here: if she won’t go for a fair no-fault with a year of separation, you have grounds to file a fault di…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 11:38 PM
9

OP says “in case things get sour.” Brother’s got lemons flying at him his talking about just in case…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 03:15 AM
9

She just made her own life a whole lot harder. A 401K loan to buy a house? That sounds either a). fishy as hell or b). extremely unwise.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 03:13 AM
8

“People” don’t need to know. A few close friends, preferably male, helpful if they have been through a divorce, half dozen or less and some family. And tell them the truth: your wife didn’t communicate that she was having a problem with the relationship following a life-changing surgery and you’ve been blindsided.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 12:05 AM
1

I’d have a consult with one and not agree to anything until you come to a final agreement that you think is actually fair. If you can do that without a lawyer, that’s great. My hat is off to you. If you get to the final “agreement” and think you’re getting royally fucked, you’ve got that lawyer’s number.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 03:37 AM
1

It is such a mind-fuck to switch from “I am putting the best interests of my family and my marriage first” to “I am putting the best interest of my children and myself first.” Especially in the cases (at least in mine) where it becomes clear that the other person has had the later mindset for a looooong time.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 04:09 PM
14

To her, “amicable” just means on her terms. There is no “we” anymore. It’s a hard reality to accept, but once you do you’ll make better choices.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 03:51 AM
1

Did the course have a name, was it something that might only be in your community?
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 02:27 PM
1

And you should continue to use it as such!
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 11:28 PM
5

I found out my wife was having an emotional affair and it was like a light turned on. I had blamed myself for months and was beating this shit out of myself, completely confused about what was happening because it didn’t make sense. This explains everything. It isn’t all your fault.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 10:48 PM
2

You posted this two weeks ago and the vast majority of people thought it was insane. You’re posting it again, what, expecting a different result? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is a working definition of insanity. So you’re doing two insane things here. Do not do this. It is a bad idea.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 10:44 PM
2

Thanks, I appreciate this. What was the course? Sounds helpful. I am struggling to find what’s helpful to work on myself, recognize where my fault lies and where it doesn’t, and to come out somewhat sane and healthy. I don’t want to be red pilled, you know? And a lot of resources seem feared towards that.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 06:06 PM
13

👆This is an example of weaponizing therapy speak, too
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/26 03:11 PM
22

There is a trend towards weaponizing therapy speak among women. They’ve all been abused and gaslit by narcissists. In reality their ex was likely at times selfish, unkind, or deceptive. Like everyone can be at times. You know, the human condition.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/26 02:42 PM
2

I think that their father leaving and immediately being introduced to “new daddy” would be extremely anxiety producing and disorienting, and you need to be in communication with the therapist directly.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 07:04 PM
2

Couple things: Call more often. Communicate that you expect to be included on any communications with healthcare professionals. If you have anything in writing that says you have that right as a coparent, reference that (you have the right regardless). That includes conversation with the healthcare providers. Communicate that by not providing that information in a timely fashion, she’s acting in bad faith. Question: is the new boyfriend in their house, because that may be where the anxiety comes…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 06:51 PM
1

Do you live in a state with at-fault divorce? Because admission of an affair is fault. Why would you trust this person again? Why would you entangle yourself financially with them by buying a house together? I think one of the things I struggle with is recognizing when I am not the one in the wrong and acting accordingly. You are not in the wrong here. Don’t go along with her. Don’t hug or kids this cheating, bad person again. She isn’t someone who is a good person.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/26 09:30 PM
3

I don’t know your situation, but there is absolutely some internal conflict if you kept your commitment to the marriage and she didn’t. You’re maybe still having a mindset of loyalty. It’s a hard mental groove to get out of. Give yourself time.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/26 06:00 PM
4

It’s going to be a long time for me before I am ready to go out (in a waiting period right now), but when I do I will be insistently and uncompromisingly me.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/26 04:32 PM
4

Do not leave the house. Do not leave the house. Do not leave the house. Wait until you have everything set up. Do not abdicate your responsibilities to your children. Do nothing until you have an attorney look at everything. Do not leave the house. Is it uncomfortable for you? Yes. I am there. I suck it up. Is it uncomfortable for her? Likely. Not your problem. You aren’t a team anymore. There is no “we.” Look out for your kids and yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/26 08:04 PM
4

It is hard, but you have to ask for help. Something along the lines of “Hey, I am having a really hard time. I know I am not good at opening up and sharing but things are not good and I need support.” You have to say it. People will assume you are getting support elsewhere or that you don’t need it if you don’t ask. And it is hard and humbling and, at least when I do it, I feel like the other person is going to feel put upon. But you’d do it for them, right? So make a list of family and friends …
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 04:50 PM
5

<strikethrough>Trust but</strikethrough> verify. Good luck on your next steps, can’t wait to join you.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 02:38 AM
7

You’re telling your wife’s cheating partner’s wife, right? Maybe once the dust settles?
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 04:21 PM
3

Does she have a traumatic past or is she just party to the human condition? Everyone goes through stuff, but I find that people who take steps to deal with their stuff don’t go around excusing their behavior with “past trauma.”
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 02:01 PM
1

That’s going to be sufficient. I told my attorney the date my wife asked for a separation (I am in VA) and that’s what we’re using.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 10:57 PM
5

There was a story in the Washington Post in the last week that was about a divorce party. The woman throwing the party had a dartboard up with her ex’s face on it and Instagram-worthy backdrops proclaiming “end of an error.” The woman had married a dude from another country who had overstayed his visa in the U.S. and wasn’t able to get back in. It was a bad idea. But the vindictiveness of this woman towards the guy she had made this mistake with was so mean-spirited and petty. That said, I will …
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 01:10 PM
2

Ah, I assumed that the closing involved a mortgage. Still shitty on her part!
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 08:00 PM
2

Can you back out of the massive financial commitment you just made? I mean, why would she close on the house if she knew she was going to ask for a divorce? It’s cruel and basically (though maybe not legally) fraud. I would contact a divorce lawyer and call your broker ASAP to see if there is any way out of the house.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 06:18 PM
3

It depends on what “inappropriate” means. Was it something that was maybe wrong but developmentally expected or something that was like an assault? If you are worried about your kid’s safety, don’t let anything hold you back, including third-hand reports your wife is passing on from a therapist if her choosing, which to me would be worth zilch.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 06:52 PM
1

My breaking point was when she didn’t get an anniversary gift for me after I had told her many times how important gift-giving was to me as a show of affection (it might not be important to other people, but it me it means that someone took the time to look at another person, see what’s going on with them, and be thoughtful about something they might like). Have you tried couples’ counseling? I’m of mixed opinion about my experience with it, by the time I suggested it she was already checked out…
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 04:03 PM
15

You likely need a better attorney. The only thing I will say is that you can’t give an inch. You can’t admit to anything (especially anything you did not do) even a little (i.e. she says you are negligent with the kids, don’t concede “well maybe I could have been more attentive…”). Don’t seek to be the better person. Don’t negotiate with yourself. Plainly state the truth as you see it and go after what is best for your children and yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/26 03:25 AM
-7

Low effort chat GPT is in violation of the rules. Think for yourself, don’t outsource your brain.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/26 07:07 PM
7

If anyone leaves, it should be the person who has the affair.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/26 12:25 AM
2

I doubt she’d sign something without having her own attorney look at it first…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 09:03 PM
2

Sometimes it’s just about getting through the day. Every night we put our head on our pillow without causing self-destruction (whatever that looks like) can count as a win for now.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 04:18 PM
6

Hey, that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you are coming from a place of spite, suicide gives her everything she wants: she gets to not be married to you any more, she gets all the assets, she gets to point to your suicide as proof positive that she was right (that you are crazy or whatever), she gets to have the relationship with the kids, and she gets vindication for having treated you poorly (again, using the suicide as proof that you were the problem. Want to be spiteful? …
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 02:02 PM
3

I have had a different experience. I feel like I have been embraced by my family and many of my close friends. When I say that, I don’t mean casual friends. I mean a dozen or so men and women I have been close to for a long time, between a dozen and two dozen years. I think discerning who is a friend can be hard, and I haven’t broadcast my business to many casual friends or professional colleagues.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/26 05:38 PM
1

I think it has to do with mindset. When we are committed to making things work, we don’t let the little things get in the way of the big pictures. When the big picture turns out to be a forgery, all that is left to see is the little things. And sometimes those little things are huge.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 02:26 PM
4

I had this conversation with our 5 and 8 year old a few months ago. I don't think I'll ever forgive her. I don't know why it would be incumbent upon me to do the work on this one; I've done most of the work through the course of the relationship and look what it got me. It is only my job to be there for the kids and help them get through this. That is where my energy goes. Not towards forgiving someone who doesn't believe they've done anything wrong.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 04:42 PM
9

You are no longer her support system. If she needs emotional support, tell her to get it elsewhere. We don’t need to be doormats. We can choose not to be. It is tough because we’ve programmed ourselves to take on the burdens of our partners. In a loving relationship with mutual support and respect, that’s a good thing, and a value we need to hold on to. But in the situation most of the fellas on this sub find themselves in, the programming works against us and we need to change that behavior in …
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 05:56 PM
1

Mods, violation of rule 9.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 02:04 PM
11

Brother, get ye a lawyer, stop sending money that isn’t mandated, take your children back. You need to get them back in-state yesterday or she’s going to file in a different state. Take them back. You have as much a right to happiness as anyone else. Your wife’s selfishness is evident in what you’ve written. There is no more “us,” only you and your children and YOU must be a forceful advocate for what is best for them and best for you. No more money until the agreement is what work works for you…
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 04:47 AM
3

Yeah, I am doing my first New Years alone (still living together, just fucking shoot me). It is cold in Virginia…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/25 10:11 AM
1

I am still fighting it out, but my draft agreement has us switching who gets to claim the kids every other year, which makes sense to me, we’d both be expending financial resources no matter what. Who knows what the final will say…
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/25 03:27 PM
1

My hesitancy (and why I didn’t do it) was that the one we were recommended required signing a document saying you wouldn’t go to court and I was very skeptical of that. What if I thought they were biased or straight shit at their job?
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 04:38 PM
9

That company needs a better owner.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 04:02 PM
3

You fired the guy, right?
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 02:47 PM
2

Lost about 20 lbs, down to 140 and struggling to gain it back. I took up smoking and haven’t stopped exercising, so getting the calories has been hard.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 12:44 PM
4

A). This is for divorce. B). Be honest. Break up.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/25 11:19 PM
2

This is a question for your attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/25 05:51 PM
2

I am hoping I have learned better discernment as a result of my experience (and therapy)…
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 01:59 PM
5

Hey mods, I think this might go against hate speech guidelines, or maybe if “revenge fantasy” counts as low effort… whatever it is, it ain’t good!
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/25 04:33 PM
2

Right on. OP needs to remember that being able to love unconditionally isn’t a character flaw, but not being able to love is.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 06:44 PM
2

I hope you are able to find the courage and give yourself the grace to make the time to heal. I’m not saying I am a model of serenity and surety in my own self-worth, but I would ask you to take the time to get your head on straight before you allow how someone else reacts to you to determine your value. We have to get this from within, regardless of what life throws at us.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/25 11:02 PM
7

You and me both, brother.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/25 08:16 PM
19

Unfortunately, being “damaged goods” is part of the human condition. We’re all damaged. I will, in the future, be much more discerning about if the damage is so bad they need to be returned for a full refund.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/25 07:40 PM
7

Boooo hiss low effort AI posts are bad and should be banned. Think for yourself, don’t let the latest Silicon Valley fad think slop for you.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/25 02:45 PM
9

Please don’t make life decisions based in A.I. Come on man. That isn’t helpful. That may or may not be accurate. LLMs predict what a response of an input should look like, not what it actually is. Computer programs can’t take responsibility. That rests on you. Talk to a lawyer. Talk to other people who have been through a divorce. Jesus, don’t listen to A.I.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/25 01:35 AM
3

Congratulations on the good terms. I would be overjoyed to have full custody once this is done. If she wants to see the kids make her take the fucking train.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/25 04:23 PM
2

You need to contact a lawyer in your county. Google will work, you can check their rating on any number of site, and get a consult to have them walk you through the steps.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/25 11:36 PM
15

I thought if I ever found out my wife was cheating on me it would be the worst thing in the world. But a few weeks after she asked for a separation I decided to act on a suspicion I’d had and do some digging, and someone in my wife’s affair partner’s orbit was willing to talk to me and confirmed my suspicions. I thought it would be the worst thing, and the betrayal hurt like nothing else, but the sense of freedom and sanity that came with that information filled me with gratitude. All the suppor…
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/25 04:53 AM
2

Hey, I was raised Catholic and became a Unitarian in my twenties, and have too reconnected with that faith since my separation. I have found that reconnection to be incredibly helpful during a hard time and I think faith can be a really good thing. What I remember from my Catholic upbringing is that the point of confession and penance is that you’re absolved of your sin, but that isn’t a permission slip to do it again. Your wife has been taking your forgiveness, at least three or four times at t…
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/25 12:22 AM
3

The lifelong repercussions are there no matter what you do.
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/25 11:06 PM
1

Hey, this is going to be hard, but don’t beat yourself up. It takes two to end a relationship, and you need to take time (and therapy) to sort out what’s on your side of the street and what’s on her’s. I am four months into a separation, still living together, three kids (one still in diapers). For months leading up to the separation I believed her and trusted her when she said it was all my fault. But as I really get a look at what happened, it was her inflexibility on every damned thing that l…
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/25 07:55 PM
10

Under no circumstances should you move out. Is staying in the same house uncomfortable? Yes. Does it suck? Absolutely. Is it what you need to do to ensure your long-term best interests. Also, yes. I don’t know from your post if you have kids or who is pushing for the divorce or if there has been infidelity. These are factors in your decision. But on the whole you gain not a damn thing by moving out. If there are kids you get seen as the one who left and it isn’t a good look when it comes to cust…
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/25 09:19 PM
3

I am about to do my first Thanksgiving without the kids. We are separated and living together, but she’s going to her parents on Thursday. I had hoped to spend the day with my sister’s husband’s family (all local, they all did Thanksgiving at our house last year), but they are all sick, so I am scrabbling for what to do. I’m just sad about it all. But I also know this pain will lessen and I will find a new way of life. I just love my kids so damn much and I hate to be away from them.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/25 11:41 PM
1

I know it is different in different states, regarding dating when separated, but why is OP dating someone who is still married? If there isn’t a divorce processed, a separation agreement, or if it isn’t kosher with state law, OP is dating someone who he shouldn’t be. Leave it, OP. Why is he being the other man in someone’s marriage?
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/25 09:43 PM
7

I don’t think this is the correct subreddit to post this question.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/25 01:58 PM
5

It sounds like OP has already “agreed” to a lot of things in principle. OP, please be very clear that any tentative agreements are not set in stone and will only become permanent once you have a lawyer and you’ve agreed to a formal contract/separation agreement/whatever.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/25 03:32 PM
5

Second the Bruh Keep bringing it to lawyers until you find one that says that since it wasn't written by a lawyer there must be clause that was written incorrectly. JFC, first thing I did when the word "divorce" as uttered was to find a lawyer. Bruh Edit: what you are looking for from a lawyer is that the MSA is “unconscionable,” a legal term for really egregiously bullshit. Unconscionable legal agreements can be thrown out by a judge. The provision in the agreement that you signed denying yours…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/25 03:30 AM
11

In noticed a few months before she asked for a separation that might wife started weaponizing therapy speak. “Manipulative.” “Abusive.” “Gaslighting.” It’s all bullshit. Thankfully I actually have a talk therapist to review all that and my own behavior with, which sort of immunizes me from believing what she was saying. I don’t think it is a coincidence that she reconnect with her high school boyfriend a few months before that…
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/25 06:35 PM
2

This is not financial advise: Grasp Fucking Joy With Both Hands.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/25 01:55 PM
6

Hey, I don’t know if this would be helpful, but you aren’t doing anything wrong by not taking her back, by saying no. That is the right thing to do. But what I hear you saying is that you are being cruel when you do it. So make a script for yourself when you are calm, and each time she calls say the same thing and then hang up. If you are worried about become a bad person because of what you say, stop saying it. I am asking God for the willingness to pray for my soon-to-be-ex wife. I don’t have …
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 06:58 PM
2

You can’t make her address her alcoholism (and getting shitty four times a week at 40 years old isn’t just sometimes). You can threaten and carry through on the threats, but she needs to find her own bottom. Right now it is a safety issue for you and the children. The hitting, the drunk driving, the throwing stuff. It is dangerous. And it is her behavior. You have a responsibility to keep your kids safe. That’s number one. I hope she finds her bottom and hears what they have to say in AA meeting…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 02:15 PM
2

You need to separate the “you” and the “we.” I had a hell of a hard time doing that. Still am. But I needed to have a path that prioritized my kids first, myself second, and my wife only insofar as what’s good for the kids. You can still have an attempt at reconciliation, but that is a different path. You can tread both, but be firm about what happens is one of them closes. Don’t give up a cent you don’t have to if she closes the reconciliation path. Don’t give away tons of money in a vain hope.…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 11:51 PM
1

If your house, too. Don’t let her throw you out.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/25 07:35 PM
0

Have you had a lawyer review it? Jesus, don’t sign anything before you have a lawyer look at it. I am in the middle of a divorce. I have been through the self-recrimination. It isn’t helpful. Advocate for yourself and your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 06:58 PM
0

If she’s not following the parenting plan, don’t tell Reddit, tell your lawyer. You have to advocate for you. You have to advocate for what you think is best for your children. 30 miles!?!? Might as well be 300. Try to make it within the same school district.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 04:36 PM
6

Have you asked your attorney to include a clause in your settlement or court order that says you (both) have the right of first refusal to take the kids when one needs to offload them for activities? And one that says that the kids will stay in your community? You need to fight for your kids. They need their father.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 01:35 PM
1

I think I have those things. I also have the advantage that I’m not looking to jump into a relationship right away and she has reconnect with someone from her past. I can say “I can wait as long as I like, how long do you think this other person is going to wait for you? They already ghosted you once (after a multi-year relationship) and they aren’t exactly stable.”
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/25 03:38 PM
1

Yeah, we have child custody and a pattern of me giving in to arguments Wish I’d known she was ADHD and that ADHD people get an emotional boost from arguing.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 08:15 PM
1

Thanks. Yeah, my next meeting with my attorney is going to feature the question “Do you think what I am doing to (strategic approach) is right or is it too driven by my anger and hurt feelings?” and I think that might be most important question I ask at that appointment.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 05:31 PM
1

I mean, good on you, but I am not particularly interested in creating another venue for my wife to look into her issues, I am looking our for the best interest of out children first, my own best interest second, and her best interest is only in mind when it comes to what’s in the kid’s best interests (i.e. no one needs to be homeless). I’ve got past “what’s best for us.” There isn’t an “us” anymore. And she’s PERFECTLY capable of looking after her own best interests. She excels at that.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 02:19 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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