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WindowFuzz Archive

View 2 posts and 177 comments by WindowFuzz on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
21

WindowFuzz/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 06:25 PM
7

WindowFuzz/r/Divorce_Men14/07/23 12:02 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
2

Yes, getting a long-lasting std like genital warts (it can take up to a year for them to go away, so no sex for a year…) or a permanent one like herpes simples, can completely destroy your ability to find a meaningful relationship (most women will politely decline once you disclose the std since there are 350 other men in their dating queue-why bother taking the risk of getting your std? They can just click on the next man in their queue). It makes a lot more sense to be in a stable monogamous r…
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 05:34 PM
2

You should watch this podcast: https://youtu.be/cP5NaryxRBE?si=n3Zp-nrLFzLnjhs4 Not all women are like this, of course. Another helpful one: https://youtu.be/ltwUe7Kebqs?si=11MG4Cojk037WtGb
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 01:09 PM
2

I’m glad you’re having fun but be careful about STDs. Make sure you get the human papilloma virus vaccine so you don’t get the cancer causing sub types of genital warts (genital warts (from oral sex) are now the leading cause of oral cancer.). About 20% of people have genital warts and about 20% have herpes simplex, and unfortunately condoms don’t really protect well against either of those. Dating becomes much much harder once you have STDs,
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 01:05 PM
1

What are they expecting back from you in the transaction?
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 07:13 PM
1

Why do you think women are no longer searching for a partner? My own suspicion is that women are being told that they "should learn how to be happy alone" and other pop psychobabble encouraging being single. Examples include the "Choose the bear" meme, which makes the absurd statement that a woman is safer with a wild bear than a man because men are supposedly so violent, thus heterosexual relationships are dangerous. Ironically, it turns out that domestic abuse/violence is higher in lesbian rel…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 07:12 PM
1

I see you mentioned that you are no longer dating and are in a stable relationship-I also have transitioned into a stable relationship). I generally agree with your comment that dating can be transactional for most women and I hope i have found a unicorn that is less interested in that. How did you decide that your partner was the right one for you? I used the Gatekeepers book, which had helpful criteria, as a guide to avoid falling into another shame based manipulation relationship like my form…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 06:54 PM
15

You, like all of us, want closure because we think that will take away the pain. But that is a dangerous fallacy. By asking her to provide closure by "acknowledging...the pain she has caused...", you are GIVING HER POWER OVER YOU. You are asking her to do something for you. I think it is healthier to take back our power. Work on yourself to let go of the pain. Free yourself. You can break the chain she has wrapped around your neck. Freeing ourself from them is actually quite simple: stop thinkin…
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 02:51 PM
1

That’s a helpful suggestion-I agree that female friends are valuable. It is a bit tricky, though, since I have a female romantic partner. I feel awkward going out to dinner with a female friend and not including my female romantic partner. My ex wife didn’t like it when I met friends, so I don’t have any existing female friendships-the only ones are from women I met post divorce on the apps and we transitioned to a friendship, but those are especially awkward to meet with platonically because I …
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 08:44 PM
1

True; the emotional stress was terrible. But I did learn a lot from it. Sometimes you have to cut away the dead flesh painfully to find the healthy stuff underneath.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 08:04 PM
1

Yes, it was a joke. I hope I will never change my gender. Life is complicated enough as a cis male.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 05:20 PM
1

It is quite rare for a good/fair prenup to be tossed out. Men, like me on my prior marriage, who were ignorant about prenups, should make sure to get them.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 05:17 PM
1

I hear you, but next time around I feel that I can reduce some of the financial abuse by the court system with a prenup-while not perfect, it is rare that they are tossed out. Sure, friendships can address many items on my list, but my friends are busy and it is hard to see them more than once or twice a week. And then there is the physical intimacy and while I could get that with hookups, I get emotionally connected after sex so I don’t want that to be casual
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 04:48 PM
3

Well, I think most of us would agree that a stable and loving two parent household is the best environment to raise a kid. No matter how wonderful one parent is, we all have our bad days and it’s helpful to have a second person in the picture who can step in and be with the kids when we are facing a crisis at work and are not our best version of ourselves. High-quality women who make that kind of supportive partner are not going to settle for anything less than a high-quality husband who is will…
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 12:44 PM
4

What kind of specific reward do you think makes it worthwhile? I think, having a female partner who is happy to see me every day, who doesn’t constrain my life, but instead adds to it, is financially stable and not looking at me to provide and is a reliable partner for social activities and adventures, would make it worthwhile
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 12:41 PM
-2

What specifically should we be advising our boys? “Don’t get married” is too broad and sounds incel. The book “gatekeepers: a tactical guide to commitment“ has had the best advice I’ve come across so far. Have you found any helpful books?
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 12:38 PM
10

My suggestion for item #5 is to reach out to friends and family instead of withdrawing. She will launch a smear campaign against you and that may prompt you to withdraw from others-dont let that happen and don’t try to rebut it verbally and instead behave responsible and act like an adult; after sometime, your kids and true friends will see the truth because of your actions. Ask yourself: what kind of man would I be proud to be? A role model for my kids? Imagine that person and move towards that…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 05:23 PM
1

I can relate-I’m really not into sports. I tried the female friend route but I am concerned it will make a female romantic partner jealous. I would feel uncomfortable if my female partner hung out solo with a former boyfriend she had sex with so it is not fair for me to do the same in reverse
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 03:52 PM
1

I never thought about that-thx!
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 03:48 PM
1

True. Unfortunately sometimes they launch a smear campaign
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 03:47 PM
4

Solo is good sometimes but we are wired to be social beings. It’s in our dna, unless someone is an extreme introvert. 100,000 yrs ago, males who went solo into the wilderness would likely die so we learned to go in hunter packs. Some research suggest this is how social packs of puny Cromagnon humans defeated stronger smarter but solo Neanderthal.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 03:46 PM
1

Any web/app programs you’ve tried to help with scheduling?
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 03:41 PM
2

Yes, I have some friends who have adult male kids and they really connect socially through their bands—one guy is in 3 bands, I think, and he is jamming almost every night with his friends
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 02:45 PM
2

Why do you say that we don’t need friends? Relying on our female partners for social engagement puts at serious risk for loneliness and depression if our female partner leaves us
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 02:43 PM
1

That’s true for initial meetings, but was it a challenge for you to arrange meetings repeatedly with guy friends? Any advice you have for those repeat get togethers?
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 03:20 AM
1

I don’t think so. I might send a reminder a month after the invite. If they don’t reply, then I drop it.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 09:33 PM
1

I'm sure there are female introverts who find it difficult to meet people. But the other piece of the problem is basic follow-up. If someone invites you to an event, then simply getting back with an answer is important--either yes or no.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 09:09 PM
1

That makes sense. The problem with group events are that there are few opportunities for deeper conversations, but as you said, it may transition into face to face.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 09:07 PM
2

That is a really helpful suggestion--now that I think about it, my local bike shop often advertises a riding group.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 09:06 PM
2

Wow. That's terrible. My ex-wife would scold me when I returned home, and would try shaming me. After the divorce, I read a book called "Gatekeeper: A tactical guide to commitment" that describes this female pattern of control--it is "shame-based" control. The book describes several cases and ways to avoid it, and recommends looking for partners who do not use this as a tool to control their partner.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 08:29 PM
2

That's an interesting observation. If I ever get a gender change, I'll let you know. For now, though, I plan to stay male, and am primarily interested in male friendships. I have a few female friends, but I really want to focus on my female romantic partner for female friendship.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 08:28 PM
2

Good for you--I'm glad that you took the initiative and created something new. I value in person interactions and am tired of spending my life looking at a 16 inch diameter screen or a 4 inch smartphone screen. Have you considered adding a geolocation feature so people can meet in person?
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 08:25 PM
6

Yes, my ex also tried to stifle my activities outside of the house. That meant I had less time to be her servant. Being a slow learner, it took me over 20 years to see what was happening. Active Sports are great, but our bodies get too worn out to continue…
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 06:57 PM
2

Lol--I think many of us have thought about that option. It would certainly take care of the alimony issue. Your honor, my only possessions are my robe, my begging bowl, and the shit/urine in the outhouse. I'm happy to split that with her and give her 70%.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 06:28 PM
2

I’m sorry you went through that. A lot of that parallels my experience although I think I was with a borderline narcissist. It is so scary how so many of us have similar experiences. That really makes me think that much of this is biology and societal. I’ve found the book Gatekeepers: a tactical guide to commitment, really eye opening and i think it has helped me to avoid some of my dysfunctional patterns from my past relationship in my current one.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 06:06 PM
1

While that can play a role for some cases, it is possible that there were other latent issues prior to menopause that she had and it may be that you also contributed, as I did, in my marriage dysfunction. I only bring this up because I don’t want to repeat my mistakes and hopefully you won’t either.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 06:02 PM
1

That’s really difficult-I hope you are in a better place now
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 10:12 PM
1

Why do you think she changed? I can't really figure out exactly what event/actions prompted my ex-wife to change from being someone that loved me to someone who didn't.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 06:46 PM
4

You mentioned that she started off as a "sweet girlfriend" and turned into a "nag monster". I imagine that there were many signs along the way that this was happening, such refusing to empty the garbage can, etc. It's interesting how things just gradually get worse, like one drip drip drip drip drip at a time. Deciding what is the threshold, at what point you've had enough, is so hard when things are slowly getting worse. Based on how much we push back, dysfunctional partners decide "Hmm, I push…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 06:43 PM
11

Reach out to others for help. Men are ashamed to admit weakness or ask for help-this is our Achilles heel. Talk to as many people as you can, lean into your friendships, join support groups. Expand, don’t contract out of shame
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 05:15 PM
4

Your answer will depend in part on what you make of your life after the divorce. Do you wallow in self pity? In that case, you will regret it. Or do you ask yourself: now I’m free, what do I want to become and how do I achieve that? In this case, you will likely be glad you got divorced.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 01:57 PM
2

What were some of the red flags? I couldn’t really see them at the beginning either but I wonder if that is because she hid them or they emerged later
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 01:53 PM
1

What is the name of the relationship coach on YouTube? Oh, I see in a later comment that it is Psychacks, which I have also watched. Another really good resource is "Gatekeepers, a Tactical Guide to Commitment" by Shawn Smith, PhD--his interviews are very helpful too.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 06:45 PM
1

Why not try using this as an opportunity to improve your communication skills so that you can break out of the cycle that was in your prior marriage and repeated itself in your current relationship? Ask her about where her "fuck it" attitude is coming from using this approach: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverfifty/comments/10jc087/towards_a_better_way_to_communicate_inquisitive/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 06:43 PM
3

I think as we get older, we need to be more open about what is considered a sexual experience. I like to think about it as hard sex, soft sex and touch sex. Hard sex is the traditional form of sexuality which requires an erection. Soft sex is when a man cannot have an erection, but can still have a mutually enjoyable experience through tantra and other techniques. And touch sex is mostly Sensate therapy. The key point is that all three can lead to a sense of love and connection, and that is real…
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 04:45 PM
5

Good for you! You did not let yourself be used as a simp.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 04:43 PM
2

People with strong narcissistic traits (we'll refer to them as NTs) tend to control our lives. The book "Gatekeepers: A Tactical Guide to Commitment" has several chapters on this, and describes individuals like "Tony", on page 242, "Being an agreeable, optimistic man, he accommodated. He wanted her to be happy. Unfortunately, what made her happiest was his continual acquiescence. Stated more accurately, his acquiescence staved off her disapproval. (Once again, we see the power of negative reinfo…
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 01:55 PM
4

Sounds like you were with a narcissist; you should read up on codependent+narcissist relationships —that may help speed up your recovery. I wish someone had told me about it 1.5 yrs ago…
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 11:50 AM
2

Did you get a divorce? Was the prenup helpful?
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 11:43 AM
2

You should really read the book Gatekeepers: a tactical guide to commitment
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 11:51 AM
1

Sounds like these women are trying to lock you into a "shame-based" relationship where they guilt-trip you; it is effective on most men, so many women have learned to use this approach. The book "Gatekeeper: A Tactical Guide to Commitment" is a great resource and describes how to avoid women like that.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 07:05 PM
1

Thanks; I am also trying to simplify my life, but it takes time to go through the several hundred, perhaps nearly a thousand, things that I have accumulated. I am really, really looking forward to getting rid of most of it all.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 04:52 PM
1

I’m sorry you’re going through this terrible experience. You’ve been through it once before, so you know that things are going to get better eventually. This is just the blackest part of the night. The most important thing you can do right now is make sure you have a good lawyer and lean into your friendships. Don’t withdraw and isolate yourself – – that is the path to depression and maybe even self harm. It’s much better to reach out to your friends and Engage with them frequently because they …
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 12:18 PM
3

53ish, married 29 years, three adult kids who thankfully still talk to me and love me. Wife dragged out divorce for 2 yrs and ran a covert smear campaign against me during that time.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 12:02 PM
1

Aside from “don’t remarry”, any advice about finding a healthy second partner?
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 12:01 PM
1

Could you DM me your contact info? Hard to find a therapist who knows what we are going through-therapist are 80% female nowadays
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 12:00 PM
1

What countries do you visit? Do you travel with them in groups or just randomly meet? What are your monthly expense totals? I don’t think I could make it work financially
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 11:58 AM
2

I’m about your age. How has it hurt you financially? I lost about 65% of my assets so retirement savings are significantly down. But I don’t ever want to retire so in one sense I don’t really care. I find my work productivity is down because I have to do everything myself at home and lose the time benefits of having someone else around to help with some things (bills, laundry etc); I cohabit with my partner but we do most house chores separately. It was even worse when I was single
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 11:55 AM
15

Rather than think about red flags, it is healthier to think about "green flags". Sometimes if we look for something negative, like a red flag, we can overcompensate and create that negativity. Here is my list of green flags which is drawn from the book Gatekeepers: A Tactical Guide to Commitment (an excellent book about picking a high quality female partner): Clarity in Communication: Ability to express herself clearly with reliable communication skills, inquisitive Emotional maturity: Does not …
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 10:35 PM
2

I think many men have experienced this. The other important thing you are doing is exploring your role in contributing to this dysfunctional marriage. You, like many men, were blind: "I can't believe I allowed this to happen to me". I found the book Gatekeepers: A Tactical Guide to Commitment really eye-opening because it describes this kind of situation and offers advice about how to avoid it in future relationships. If you don't do some serious self-reflection and learn from your mistakes, you…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 05:00 PM
1

Yes, it is very disturbing
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 11:42 PM
1

Yes, I had mine double checked too
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 11:41 PM
3

Yes, he did not follow up to confirm his sperm count. It is true that vasectomy is the best option to be certain-I just mentioned his example as a warning to other men to confirm that it worked.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 11:41 PM
1

I understand that we may meet people who do the things you mention. There is so much potential for hurt on both sides.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 11:39 PM
0

I don't think it is a good idea to be lying to people like this. Sure, it allows you to have more sex, but it's not going to be good for you in the long run. It not whether you respect a woman in the morning--what is important is whether you respect yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 09:08 PM
1

About 1%of vasectomies fail. You need to get your sperm count rechecked after the procedure. I know someone who had twins after his vasectomy and when they checked, he still had sperm since the tubes had reconnected.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 09:05 PM
2

Well, most memories are distorted-it’s just the way the mind works. For example, 1/3rd of people who think they went to Disney world when they were young, actually never went-they just imagined it. I adored my wife for about 20+ yrs and that blinded me to what was going on. I thought I was lucky to have her as a wife, so I adored her. I basically let myself become her servant. It took me another decade to learn the actual reality of my situation-that I was a codependent and she was a narcissist.…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 08:08 PM
2

What she did is wrong, but it sounds like you have some things to work on to, like excessive drinking. I would probably leave the marriage if she was doing this, but until you get your house in order mentally, your next relationship may also fail.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 07:33 PM
3

That’s what some women do-if they don’t like hearing the truth from the therapist, they want to fire them, so the therapist cater to the women and allow them to shift goalpost-otherwise, the therapist loses the client. That’s why you should see your OWN therapist and get specific to-do homework from them
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 05:31 PM
2

A divorce is a terrible thing to go through and will really hurt you financially for a while, although you may eventually recover. You may want to try therapy first. I'm not a big believer in marriage counseling because the woman will gaslight/move the goal posts, but you can give it a try. More important is for you to go to individual weekly counseling and ask the therapist to offer suggestions about how to heal the marriage in 1:1 sessions with you. Ask them to give you specific homework to do…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 04:36 PM
2

You might find this video interesting: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePl7_tP3BrU
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 04:29 PM
1

Yes, it’s called “denial and reverse victim and offender” or DARVO. They also engage in covert smear campaigns (such as saying you are abusive) and may adopt a victimhood mentality which is reinforced by third/fourth wave feminism (me-too movement where the man is presumed guilty at the onset), which can lead to the dark triad of narcissism, Machiavellian behavior and psychopathy . Unfortunately social media and their disgruntled friends can exacerbate this. One step you did not mention is the p…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 12:18 PM
5

She’s in for a rough road. If she marries her girlfriend, it will likely not go well: Lesbian marriages have almost double the divorce rate of heterosexual marriages. Worse yet, 44% of lesbians are abused (domestic abuse) by their female partner (about 35% of women in heterosexual relationships are abused by their male partner)
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 01:58 AM
3

Does your wife come from Europe? The fact that she confessed means that she probably wants the marriage to end too, otherwise, she would just keep it a secret, I suppose. Also, even though her family may initially be upset with her, they will eventually take her side and support her over you--blood is thicker than water.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 07:30 PM
1

i literally underlined 30%of the text--so helpful. I bought copies for my kids too.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 05:36 PM
2

Try reading Gatekeepers a tactical guide to commitment and evaluating them on that advice-it was super helpful for me.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 03:15 PM
1

Sorry to hear you have that fear. You should use your current relationship to explore that so you can heal from your past trauma. Become the best version of yourself-the one your family and friends will admire
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 03:14 PM
2

I tried dating women who didn’t want commitment (ie, they were looking for something casual) and I found that most were flaky, dysfunctional and the relationships were very painful because of their immaturity. They were low quality relationship partners. The juice was absolutely not worth the squeeze. Once I started dating women interested in commitment, I found them to be so much more reliable, supportive and caring. Really much better quality partners. Does that match your experience?
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 03:13 PM
3

You can’t stop yourself from catching feelings-it’s human. You don’t want to lose your humanity and become a robot. That will bleed into other parts of your life and you will start to behave without feeling/empathy to others, like your friends and kids. You should read this book: Gatekeepers, a tactical guide to commitment. It will help you better identify healthy partners. The MensWork book by Conor Beaton is great also.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 03:10 PM
2

Talk to a lawyer. I spoke with three to get a range of possible outcomes. They will meet for you for free for the initial consultation in many cases. In the Northeast, you will probably have to give up about 60% of your assets and you’ll probably be paying alimony until you retire. The divorce sucked about 1 million out of our retirement plans because now we need to pay for two separate domicile for the rest of our lives.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/24 05:00 PM
6

In addition to the term being overly used, it is also possible that our society itself contributes to nurturing narcissistic tendencies. There's a phenomenon called the "dark triad" which includes narcissism and these individuals often complain of being victims (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32614222/). The reality is that our social media companies rely on creating a sense of victimhood in their users--that anger draws them back to the social media platform, which can then display ads to them…
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 06:27 PM
2

That’s really tough-it’s all about the long game…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 08:36 PM
3

You should watch these videos: https://youtu.be/4O_rh4sSZto?si=faASj0M132557q1T It describes things from the perspective of a teenager who was alienated from her father by abusive ex-wife and how her father won in the end. Really touching.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 11:55 AM
6

What makes all of this even more challenging is when they turn around and accuse you of the things that they themselves are doing. For narcissist ex partners, when they do this, it’s called denial and reverse victim and offender, orDARVO. It really messes with your mind because suddenly you find yourself asking: am I the one who’s in the wrong here? And then Only with therapy and help from friends can you realize that: no, actually they are the ones who are doing all this and this is all an elab…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 12:24 PM
4

What makes all of this even more challenging is when they turn around and accuse you of the things that they themselves are doing. For narcissist ex partners, when they do this, it’s called denial and reverse victim and offender, orDARVO. It really messes with your mind because suddenly you find yourself asking: am I the one who’s in the wrong here? And then Only with therapy and help from friends can you realize that: no, actually they are the ones who are doing all this and this is all an elab…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 12:07 PM
9

A really helpful book that provides advice about how to find a healthy partner is : Gatekeepers, a tactical guide to commitment. I really wish I had read it earlier
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 05:50 PM
1

You raise some really interesting points. I think many men accept the notion that "men are flawed and women are flawless". This is unfortunately perpetuated by groups such as the American Psychological Association, which puts out guidelines about "toxic masculinity" but doesn't discuss "toxic femininity". Men are to blame, in part, because they accept this narrative. As long as some men continue to be simps, it leads women to believe that they can find a submissive man to dominate. If fewer men …
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/24 04:37 PM
7

Before you call it quits, please, please watch this video-she will help you see things from the eyes of your daughter: https://youtu.be/R1bwfT2rdJU?si=5BdOZdEPTkWstgmb
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/24 08:03 PM
3

Kids are wonderful, but it is important that you do not live your life only for your kids. They will grow up and become adults and move on-you’ll be lucky, when they are adults, if you can speak to them once or twice a month. We did that to our parents and our kids will understandably do that to us— it’s like that old “cats in the cradle…we’ll get together then” song. Enjoy the kids and be a good father when you can, but don’t destroy your life in the process. Sex is brief. More important is hav…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 07:28 PM
4

If you have less money than her, she will buy the kids from you. I get it that you don’t care about the money. But the money will give you the ability to support and engage with your kids. Do you want to be sitting at home alone, never seeing your kids, while she’s taking them to Cancun and, Japan and Paris?
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 11:59 AM
2

You should get a second opinion from another attorney. I spoke to three different attorneys. A simple trick is to go to the court system in your jurisdiction, and look up the last months cases and find attorneys who are fairly active, then contact them. They’ll know the system well and the clerks and other players because they are active in your jurisdiction. It’s a big mistake to stick with one attorney; I’ve had friends gone through three attorneys. It’s better to carefully vet them first. Or …
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 11:58 AM
8

Maybe she is trying to trick you into accepting a bad deal by promising a carrot that “you can still stay friends”. Perhaps she knows that her career is going to continue to takeoff so she wants to cut you loose now from the future financial benefits by locking you into a bad deal now. There’s no way that you should only take 30%. You would be an idiot to do so. No woman would ever settle for just 30% if the roles were reversed. Remember, her wealth will allow her to buy the children from you. W…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 11:54 AM
1

That’s really helpful-thanks! I can see your point that a house (or any physical asset ) is almost impossible to keep separate. However, if one were to discuss something purely monetary like a retirement account at vanguard, I could imagine that that is much much easier to keep separate and a prenup could be useful in that regard. Why do they only work for the super wealthy? Is it because they are willing to spend much more money on lawyers or the financial imbalance between the wealthy partner …
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/24 01:02 PM
1

Oh, I have gone through a divorce and I do see how the system is quite unfair and problematic. And I know that a prenup is not an ironclad defense, but it certainly helps to mitigate some of the risk, just like wearing a seatbelt doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to survive a car accident, but it helps.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/24 06:52 PM
1

This article has a nice perspective on prenups. https://www.thecut.com/article/why-you-probably-shouldnt-get-prenup.html# The lawyer recommends starting with a discussion between both parties about what they’re looking for, then taking that information to each person‘s individual lawyer, and they can then draft the prenup rather than having one lawyer prepare prenup, and then impose it on the other partner, typically the partner who makes less income. Apparently this issue of Finances is mainly …
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 06:30 PM
1

From a brief, Google search, it appears that prenups are very rarely invalidated. The example that you have with a spouse making significantly less income, perhaps that could be the case, but even then I think it would be a challenge if There were competent attorneys involved. I think that marriage can be helpful for two primary reasons. 1. Medical: while you can have a power of attorney for medical decisions, it can be a challenge to use in a crisis. I’ve heard of many cases where the hospital …
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 05:06 PM
1

So sorry to hear that. Where there any clues before you got married? How long did you date her?
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 04:55 PM
3

Women are attracted to a confident man. You know what you need to do. Lose the weight. It’s not rocket science: put less food in your mouth. Tell her your weight loss goals, and show her you can do it. Also, find out what she is doing on her dates and invite her to do those things with you. Is she going to a concert? You are an adult-you can look up concerts on the Internet and propose going to them with her. In regards to being emotionally distant, put aside time on your schedule and spend time…
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/24 06:03 PM
1

You should see a couples therapist, preferable someone who is Gottman certified. It seems too early to pull the plug and the things you describe are not so severe, yet. You will not look back on this moment with pride if you exit quickly and destroy your family. If you are worried she will use therapy-speak to manipulate the therapist, then you should read up on things and learn the vocabulary yourself. You are not an idiot.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/24 12:58 PM
1

Your journey is not over. Your kids need you. There is no benefit in beating yourself up for not being able to provide your kids a typical family. You mentioned that: “I grew up in a home without a father; that’s all I wanted to provide them. “ But the reality is, you can still provide them that. You can still be an active presence in their life and create a home for them with a father. In fact, there’s a chance that it will actually be a better home for them because now you will not be under th…
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/24 12:53 PM
4

Live the best and most honorable life you possible can. Be proud of yourself and your actions. Be a role model for your kids. Be the man you always wanted to be, but couldn’t because you had to subjugate yourself under her perpetual negation of you. This will slowly fill yourself with confidence and from this wellspring of strength, you can be amicable with your former oppressor. You are not a cowering servant or house-elf scuttling through the halls of the house you paid for with your hard work…
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/24 12:42 PM
1

There are downsides no matter what decision you make. Only you know what you are living and who you are, so I certainly can’t answer them for you. All I can say is that you should Make decisions now that you can look back on, in the future, with pride.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/24 12:23 AM
2

Heros are not saints. Saints suffer passively. Heros suffer but are active—working, striving-and from that, we make mistakes inevitably. It is impossible to be active in the world without making a mistake of some sort in the eyes of someone. Saints never make mistakes because they generally don’t do anything except get abused and look pious.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/24 12:54 PM
10

The first night sleeping by myself was so wonderful. She usually said no to physical touch or sex, so it was great sleeping in solitude without having her just a few feet away, untouchable. There have been a lot of difficult moments, of course, since then, but the memory of that experience and the sense of lightness and safety, away from her negativity, victimization and abuse, has been so uplifting. I suffered through so much to maintain a family, and now that my kids are grown-up, I can lay do…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/24 08:34 PM
19

You may have better luck posting this on a marriage Reddit, not a divorce one. The train has already left the station for most of us here, so this advice is pouring gas on the spent embers we carry inside, to mix my metaphors.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 09:38 PM
11

Much of this makes sense as long as the husband does not become a simp trying to bed over backwards to keep his wife happy. Also, this advice is not helpful if the wife has a personality disorder such a narcissism or borderline because there is no way to satisfy them and it will turn you into a shell of a man. That happened to me for about 15 years and it has taken about 2 yrs to recover, so your advice of trying to satisfy your wife (take her to Sandals!) like how management should’ve satisfied…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 09:33 PM
2

Perhaps the cognitive dissonance of being told on the one hand that they should hate men for oppressing them (and men have oppressed women and in some cases still do, but things have gotten much better for women, fortunately) and on the other hand, biologically we are programmed to be sexually attracted to the opposite sex for reproduction, put some women in a conundrum, which they navigate through impulse sex with characters that appeal to their biological need (“bad boys”) while eschewing thos…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 12:32 PM
2

I think our society is creating a toxic culture where women are told to hate men. They are being bombarded by social media and pop psychologists who rant about toxic masculinity and nurture a victim complex for their personal financial gain (ie, ad revenue and likes). I support equal opportunity and pay for women, as well as access to abortion rights. But our current media landscape paints men as the enemy. Donald Trump isn’t helping things when he is convicted for raping women or paying off por…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 04:00 AM
1

You may want to explore YouTube podcasts on dealing with covert narcissist. It really helped me to understand a lot of the emotions I felt and much of what I went through is similar to what you have described. Sometimes being able to label things really helps to unwind the hidden emotional trauma, and that will position us for a healthier relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/24 12:43 PM
13

What kind of relationship did you have with your ex-wife? If she was domineering and in control, do you think that she had narcissistic traits? If so, it’s quite common for the partners of narcissistic wives to feel drained and empty after the relationship ends.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 09:06 PM
1

Yes, you can find a future with happiness and a healthy relationship. But you need to make an effort. Specifically, you need to improve yourself and you need to learn from the mistakes of each relationship you’re in. You will likely be in many future relationships and each is an opportunity for you to learn, if you’re willing to ask yourself hard questions. That way, you will move incrementally towards a healthier relationship. if you don’t do that difficult work, then you will be unable to buil…
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/24 05:21 PM
1

I hear where you’re coming from, but I’m not sure if I agree with that advice. I feel that being alone only teaches us how to be alone, not how to be in relationships. Sure, if someone has major depression or schizophrenia, then we should definitely spend time alone to overcome the serious psychological condition. However, if it’s something milder than that, I feel like we learn the most when we are in relationships. That being said, it’s very important to have boundaries so that we don’t get ta…
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/24 05:16 PM
9

There are often aftershocks to a divorce that strike or resonate at unexpected moments, and even months or years after the initial decision to get the divorce. We may feel that we’re in a good place, and then suddenly something happens, like an anniversary, and there’s more emotion there than we had expected. I think the important thing is to be open to that emotion and not try to push it away or suppress it. To sit with it and, reassure yourself that you’re going to be OK. Then open yourself up…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/24 12:53 PM
15

80% custody? I tried being in a relationship like that once and it did not go well. No matter what she says, she will secretly be hoping that you will help her financially and 3 kids need a lot of financial support—maybe $200,000 or more. She will never say it now, in the early stages of dating, but she is going to expect you to buy her a bigger house at some point. And one or two years on the line, when she starts pressuring you for it, and you don’t want to do that, she’s going to start withho…
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 12:18 PM
3

I think perhaps one of the reasons you’re feeling this way is that your divorce just got finalized and that often brings up even stronger emotions. We often feel that we’ve dealt with things, but then an incident happens, like the finalization of the divorce, and those emotions that we thought we had resolved often come rushing back. The fact that you work for your ex father certainly can’t be helping. I think it makes sense to really think about the purpose of your life and what you want to acc…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 12:35 PM
3

That being in a relationship is a privilege that we give our partner, and that our partner gives to us. That a relationship should support a man and woman as they pursue their purpose and goals in life and should be something which enables them, not hinders them. Some people use shame as a way to manipulate their partner, and may also engage in unhealthy argument, approaches, which are described in detail the book, to control their partner. The book also describes several traits that one should …
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/24 12:33 PM
7

The book “Gatekeeper: a tactical guide” has really helpful advice about building healthy long term relationships with women. I think men suffer a lot during a divorce because women are often the anchor to our social lives so we struggle to backfill that once they abandon us.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/24 07:37 PM
1

I called several of my friends and family and thanked them for having been so supportive and kind during this terrible time. I’m not sure i would’ve made it without them. I wanted them to know how grateful I was to have them in my life.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/24 11:41 AM
1

In addition to the things others have written, another thing that helped me was gratitude. I was grateful for my family, my friends, my kids. What was especially helpful was that I also told these people how grateful I was to have them in my life. In person, or on the phone, I would describe something specific they had done that I really appreciated. Like when they invited me to stay over when I was feeling down-that meant so much to me to know that they were there for me after my wife had aband…
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/24 11:31 AM
3

Tell us more about why you married again and what went wrong
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/24 02:03 PM
2

That's really wonderful--I'm happy for you. Thank you for your thoughtful post. It is interesting how so many of your comments resonate with me. "prone to choosing for LTRs women who are confident and dominant and snarky, and that often those traits disguise underlying issues, including narcissism." It turns out that I did the same thing--my comfort zone in a relationship was to be with a controlling partner. My first relationship after my separation was with...a controlling partner (surprise!).…
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/24 10:08 PM
5

Sounds like she is gaslighting you when she says “you knew about it”—I’m glad you didn’t fall for it. While divorce is very hard, very young kids like yours and adult kids tend to handle it best
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/24 06:02 PM
2

I think we learn a lot from every failed relationship. Sometimes we learn the most from the longest failed relationship, unfortunately. And then hopefully we can use that knowledge to find a much better partner for us the second time around. I hope to get married again-could I get your advice about that? If you are up for chatting privately, just message me
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/24 01:31 PM
0

I think the main benefits of marriage are financial and having kids. Marriage offers many financial benefits, such as ease in transferring assets without having to worry about gift taxes, etc., and when it comes to kids, it is generally more stable and socially respected than boyfriend/girlfriend status. Having a prenup and making sure that your partner works is crucial to avoiding an unequal marital distribution after a divorce. While a prenup is not perfect, if your partner's income is compara…
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/23 06:22 PM
7

A divorce is very difficult, even if you are leaving a terrible marriage. I think it is important to plan ahead and fill your days/evenings/weekends. It's great that you have kids so 50% of your time is occupied. You probably want 10-20% alone time, so this means you only need to fill about 30-40% of your time. I found it helpful to make a calendar for the month and intentionally schedule activities weeks in advance--it is a terrible thing to discover, on Friday evening, that you will not see an…
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/23 03:33 PM
3

We all want to be the hero of our own stories, so we twist things around so that we are the good person and the other is the bad person. It is a natural ego-defense mechanism--no one wants to think they are the villain in the Disney movie. It sounds like, in this case, she is doing that to you in a pretty extreme way. This is often done through gaslighting. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it except just recognize that she is behaving like many other humans on the planet. And, if…
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/23 04:00 PM
2

I'm a guy and I was on dating sites a month after my wife told me she wanted a divorce. We had been having a celibate marriage for a year, though, so none of it was a surprise. The point here is that it's not only women who can move on after separating/divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 09:44 PM
2

Every year you stay increases the duration of your alimony. I stayed for several extra years for the kids, and while I think it was the right decision, it may lead to 30-50k more of alimony for me, which is all post-tax income, so about 100k of income. Also, since your retirement assets are growing, the longer you wait, the more of that she will be getting. You'll have to decide at what point you feel the progress with the marriage counseling work has stalled and it is worth pulling the plug. Ge…
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 04:33 PM
2

OLD is tough, especially if we don't look great in a photo or don't fit the traditional mold of a good looking guy. I spent about $500 on some professional photographs, and that was really helpful since that can help find angles/perspectives that can make our more appealing aspects shine through. I agree that attitudes towards relationships have changed in the US and now it is about a person's self-empowerment, but unfortunately, that "self" part at the beginning in Western relationships often u…
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/23 12:20 PM
1

I totally hear you. It was shocking to go from being around my kids and ex-wife to suddenly being alone 24/7 (I mostly do remote work). After some time, it can make you suicidal. I used this time to reconnect with my friends. I started contacting high school, college friends--talked with them on the phone, arranged reunions and visits, etc. I also visited family more often. It's important to plan a schedule in advance--look at the upcoming weekends for the next 2 months and start filling them wi…
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/23 03:54 PM
1

I think in each of our lives, there are major inflection points where our characters change. For women, the next one is menopause (40% of women have a decline in libido and 20% become asexual) and for men, the next is andropause (when our testosterone levels decline and impotence increases--about 60% of men over the age of 50 have some form of impotence). I think if you meet a partner after that transition, there is a reasonable likelihood that their character/libido will remain fairly stable. I…
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/23 08:11 PM
1

You might find this post interesting--it discusses one reason why modern marriages are more likely to fail: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-new-home/202208/how-marriage-became-suffocating
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/23 08:52 PM
1

I recommend you try Sensate Therapy under the guidance of a certified sex therapist. It helps to destress the experience and can be very helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/23 06:04 PM
1

That's great--beware of change in new relationship energy, though. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201910/new-relationship-energy-what-it-is-how-deal-it (while this article talks about polyamory (I do not practice polyamory), the phenomenon of NRE (aka, honeymoon phase) applies for all couples)
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/23 12:14 PM
2

Thanks--this is the tradeoff. The potential for greater yield in the long-run by holding onto equity (and paying more in alimony), vs giving up equity (and losing future interest growth) in order to pay less alimony and thus have positive cash flow. While one can invest savings from cash flow, one has to pay taxes on it (whereas existing equity has already been taxed) thus allowing for a 30-40% advantage on existing equity. As you point out, modeling the outcomes is probably best here since ther…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/23 06:57 PM
1

Sorry, I don’t know anything about mortgages and divorce
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/23 07:45 PM
1

Absolutely. That is why books are written on the topic. I put up this post to ask a very specific question about one aspect.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/23 11:21 AM
1

Perhaps we misunderstand each other--generally, a divorce is a tradeoff. You either pay more in alimony, or you give up more equity. So if I don't pay any alimony, I will have to give over more equity (so I will have less to invest because I have less equity in the present. While it is true that in the future, I will have more to invest, the problem is that investing money now is better than investing money in the future since there is less time for the money to grow).
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/23 02:32 AM
1

Super helpful--thank you! I have hired a financial analyst and spent several thousands dollars on the modeling. I will ask him to model some of the different asset divisions/alimony scenarios to calculate which is better in the long run.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/23 01:35 PM
1

Yes, there would be a QDRO so there would be a tax free transfer of retirement assets. For simplicity sake, let's say there is $1 million of assets split between IRA and home sale equity, and alimony would be 2k/month. So one year of alimony would be about 24k, or 2.5% of the equity (simplified from 2.4%). So a 50/50 split with 5 years of alimony could be considered 12.5% equity, and an alternative would be a 62.5% equity split with no alimony. But due to the time-value of money, the 50/50 split…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/23 12:22 PM
1

I try to approach my divorce the same way that you are. I feel that if I carry anger or resentment, I am still allowing my ex to control my life. Why would I want to let her do that? She controlled it for long enough already--I want to free myself from her. The best way to do that is to let go of bitterness/anger. I don't love her anymore, but I can be kind and considerate; she is the mother of my children, after all. She made a terrible mistake for herself in requesting a divorce on a personal,…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/23 06:57 PM
2

Almost all of the replies you are seeing say that you should never remarry. However, that is a problem because women who have their act together are more likely to be interested in a committed, long-term relationship and a subset of them really do want to get remarried. So by starting off saying that you never want to get remarried, you are self-selecting a pool of women who are more likely to be into casual dating. These relationships are super unstable and more likely to be toxic. So it create…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/23 01:12 PM
1

I do agree that he is fairly thoughtful and clear, although at times we do see some anger and judgmental/controlling behavior, although he does reasonably frame it for the most part; no one is perfect, of course. It is helpful to read that and reflect on it. For me, personally, I think he is role-modeling how I should speak, in a real-time conversation (not in a text), and that is how I will use this. He is role modeling how a man can set boundaries that are fairly reasonable, and her response s…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/23 12:08 PM
1

Well, it may be a good thing that others can see his comments and how he tried to create reasonable relationship expectations. But as a general principle, regular people like you and me should not send negative comments in a text; too much opportunity for misunderstanding and public sharing of texts via selective screenshots to make a person look bad.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/23 11:22 PM
5

He made a monster mistake in sending her texts. Never send anything controversial or negative in a text. Now she takes screenshots and airs her dirty laundry, selectively.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/23 06:30 PM
2

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It will get better, I know it does. The most important thing you can do now is reach out to friends and others for support. A big mistake men make is to retreat into themselves. We are not good at asking for help. There is no shame in moving back in with your parents, or a relative, for a short time. That will give you emotional and financial support. Join a men's group, gym or other activity. I found the MensWork book to be superhelpful too--it will …
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 01:19 PM
1

Sometimes a partner develops a victim mentality which they then feed during the divorce process until it really distorts their sense of reality.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/23 03:26 PM
1

What really matters is your current relationship with her. The fact that she had these behaviors in the past just reinforces your detecting them again in her. People tend to repeat themselves in relationships. The big question now is whether you can work with her and for both of your to become better partners and establish a healthier relationship. You may want to consider tools like authentic relating, or other mindful relationship strategies. At the very least, it will be good practice for you…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/23 07:38 PM
3

Most children lose their relationship with their father over time and come closer to their mother after a divorce. Thus, you are already starting at a disadvantage even if you are 50/50. If you accept anything less, like 40% custody, it will only worsen things for you. As we get older, everything around us fades away. We will lose friends, parents, girlfriends, etc. However, by law, the kids must stay bound to us. When we get sick, the hospital will call them, for example, and even if they don't…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/23 05:11 PM
1

I think marriage is great. The data shows that it is the best parental structure to raise children and it brings a lot of financial advantages. You will accumulate wealth much faster because you are splitting expenses and sharing accounts/memberships. However, divorce is truly terrible and a real outcome for many. So, have a rock-solid prenup that is reviewed by your lawyer and hers.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/23 11:38 AM
16

She chose to water the weeds of resentment instead of the flowers of gratitude. You probably did contribute to some extent, and you should explore what you did so you don't do it again. But it really takes two to end a relationship, so don't blame yourself for everything. The blame will hold you back from the discovery work you need to do. And, most important, it will prevent you from being a good father.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/23 02:46 PM
1

Thanks--why do you also mention the point about claiming abuse in item #5?
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/23 11:22 AM
0

Why do you recommend item #5 on your list? What has your experience been like or what have you heard?
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 12:49 PM
1

I think marriage is worthwhile because it creates some added degree of stability as compared to just dating or a long-term relationship without any contractual obligations. Most women, especially those who have their act together, will want to get married. So by saying, at the beginning, that you don't want to get married, most of the women you meet are inherently less stable or committed, and are thus more likely to be on a relationship roller-coaster, get disillusioned, and perpetuate the cylc…
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 12:45 PM
3

In this post-pandemic era, we live in a world of loneliness. So many meaningful activities have been shut down or are anemic. I've struggled with this too. My family previously provided a social "safety net" because they were just always around. With that gone, I too struggled to find in-person contact to fill the void. Instead, I just found a zoom wasteland. I realized that the best option was to sign up for regular scheduled in-person activities. It was nearly impossible to schedule enough din…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 11:57 AM
4

I think marriage is beneficial in many ways and also a good way to raise kids if possible. However, it is crucial to have a prenup that specifies that your inherited property will remain with you after the divorce, etc. Where I am, each year over the course of 15 years, inherited property becomes gradually comingled until it is fully part of the marital estate--unless you have a prenup stating otherwise. I think telling a potential marriage partner, early in the dating phase, that if it moves to…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/23 11:36 AM
1

You misunderstood--I'm not expecting my kids to be my personal attendants. I am, however, hoping that they will visit every once in a while, or call, to make sure that I have not died and am rotting on the sofa.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/23 08:13 PM
1

Thanks for adding that context; it sounds like a very dysfunctional situation and you are unfairly suffering. That being said, it would be best to see a marriage counsellor before making the leap. Divorce is really hard on men; There is a reason that men commit suicide 8 times more than women after divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/23 08:10 PM
1

Sometimes it is possible to recreate love in a relationship. The downsides for you in getting a divorce are considerable. Even your children will have less contact with you, even though they are adults, they tend to gravitate towards spending more time with the mother. It really is in your best interest to explore ways to rekindle love for your wife, especially since she is interested in trying to build a new life. The Gottman marriage counselling books are really helpful. Try looking at your wi…
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/23 10:48 AM
-4

I would respectfully disagree. It is better for the man. It is better for me, as a man, to have children who are successful and can be a part of my life as I get older when I need their help. And I guarantee that we will all need help as we get older. Getting older in America is not pleasant. The elderly are abandoned. They are quickly placed in nursing homes, and have few visitors. If I can do everything possible to raise loving and successful children, that is to my benefit. I can't guarantee …
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/23 02:27 PM
-2

Marriage is very helpful because it creates the most stable environment, in our current society, for raising children. In the past, humans were tribal and lived in small groups of 100-150, and the group would raise the children. Much healthier approach, frankly. It's what our bodies and brains were designed for. This got then converted into the nightmare nuclear family model which is optimal for capitalism, because it allows small family units to move around to optimize labor allocation for the …
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/23 12:24 PM
11

I can relate to this perspective. Sometimes I feel as if I followed all the rules--I worked hard, never abused drugs/had affairs, was a good father and tried to be a good husband, and now I am alone, losing more than half of my assets, because of the whims of one person. It's as if society was telling me a lie all along--do these things, make all these sacrifices and it will all work out. No, it didn't. I just feel as if I was used like some kind of capitalist tool and now I'm being discarded. A…
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/23 12:03 PM
10

You should be careful--she may be trying to trigger you so that you act violently and then it can be used against you in court. I've had friends who, despite all their years of education and advice to the contrary, sent some threatening texts or emails, and then the ex-wife sent those around to all their friends and family in an effort to alienate them from him. It worked.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/23 11:53 AM
2

Here's a list of groups you could consider exploring to provide you with some support/friendship and in-person contact. Since you have less income, she may actually end up paying you alimony--you really, really need a lawyer to help make sure you get alimony. Don't try doing it on your own, and if she encourages you to do it via the low-cost approach, it may be because it will primarily help her avoid alimony. https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverfifty/comments/11i2ea4/suggestions_for_group_selfim…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/23 05:22 PM
2

The loneliness of being a newly divorced man is overwhelming at times. Especially during the pandemic when many of us may work from home. The amount of time I spent in the physical presence of people I knew dropped from about 30 hours a week down to about only 8 hours a week after the divorce. It was only when I mapped it out did I realize that essentially I was living in solitary confinement. The good news is that you and I have the key to escape our cells. Essentially, the secret is to join gr…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/23 05:46 PM
3

An important aspect of letting someone go is substitution--the act of replacing something that is unhealthy with something that is healthy. We do it all the time--instead of eating candy, we learn to eat an apple, etc. This can be done with mental thoughts as well--the challenge, when it comes to an ex-wife, is that she was involved in so many aspects of your life. You need to find several different things to replace all of that. Start with building out your friend circle, exercising, joining cl…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/23 02:30 AM
1

I would recommend you see a sex therapist and consider Sensate Therapy; it can be very effective, non-confrontational, and may help you both meet your needs. Here is a referral directory: https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory It is a much, much, much better option than a divorce, especially with three daughters.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/23 01:23 PM
-1

It is dangerous when we make broad generalizations; it is best to view people as individuals. I understand that you have been deeply hurt, but when we extend that to all women, we are punishing everyone by pre-judging them. It is also unpleasant for us to have such anger inside ourselves. It allows these people who hurt us in the past to keep hurting us. I'm not saying this to victim shame you, but instead out of a desire for you to be free of this pain. The path to letting go of that hurt is no…
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/23 11:13 AM
1

It's interesting that almost none of these comments mention seeing a therapist. I've generally had unproductive experiences with marriage counsellors, so I'm not sure I would recommend that route--they try to find the middle ground because they are trained to be neutral, but that is difficult when one person shifts the goal posts. But I would recommend instead that you perhaps talk to a private therapist with experience in late-life transitions. By the way, most therapist will say "yes, they wor…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/23 11:50 AM
-3

Could you provide a reference for those statistics which say this will backfire? Is this based on anecdotes, or is there published research?
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/23 11:47 AM
1

Thanks--with that background, it seems like you should really not blame yourself for "cheating" on your former partner, when you enter a new relationship, because it sounds like she was cheating on you first. So in essence, she was the first one to violate the sanctity of the vows you made to each other. If you want to further ameliorate your sense of guilt, you could offer to try to reconcile with her, and if she declines, then it is really clear that she would like to cut you loose. Once you a…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/23 05:50 PM
1

It might help if you added some more details to your original post (and directly edited the original post so everyone can see them)--why did you separate? Did she initiate it? Was it amicable? Are there kids involved? It is a bit difficult to give meaningful advice, beyond some platitudes like "it'll get better", without more information, since the right way to handle something like this depends on the circumstances.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/23 01:45 PM
1

It certainly helps to meet someone with a secure attachment style. But unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there on the dating apps who have very dysfunctional relationship styles. And it can be hard to pick that up early. But even in those relationships, we can still learn alot. It is crucial, though, to protect yourself financially, and emotionally, and if something seems off-kilter, to speak up within 24 hours. I put up a post about an inquisitive communication style that has helped …
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/23 01:27 PM
2

I hear you. I respect where you are coming from. I had three, so clearly I'm coming at this from a different perspective...
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/23 05:24 PM
-3

Actually, having a second kid is easier. First, you know what is going to happen and the reduced emotional stress is helpful. Second, and this is most important, the two kids will play with each other. That made a huge difference and reduced our parenting workload for the next 16 years (my first two were born 1.5 years apart, so they played together). It is a ton of work to have to keep a single kid occupied and monitored for 18 years, but much less work if there are two. The expense is much les…
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/23 04:32 PM
2

The first few relationships were difficult, yes, but they taught me a lot about myself. Everyone moves at their own pace, so some may need a year, some may need 3, some may need 6 months. I agree with the advice that we first need to learn to be comfortable being alone, and not need a partner to validate ourselves; a therapist and divorce support group for men certainly helps. I found that being in a healthy post separation relationship helped me to realize what was unhealthy about my marriage, …
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/23 10:24 PM
2

I think having kids is great and she seems like she could be a good parent. When we get older, most people look back on their lives and realize that having kids was one of the most wonderful things they did, although it is hard when you are in the midst of it. Kids usually, but not always, will be around for us when we are older too. People think that women's biological clocks are ticking, but so is a man's--male sperm becomes more prone to genetic defects as we get older. However, I would make …
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/23 09:53 PM
2

Seems like some of these comments are leaping to conclusions about infidelity and impending divorce. Perhaps they are right, but perhaps not. A few thoughts: Have you tried marriage counselling? It may help, and at least you will know that you tried. If you are highly suspicious of an affair, then hire someone to monitor the AirBnB. Here's a service in the UK: https://trojansurveillance.co.uk/private-investigations/matrimonial-infidelity/matrimonial-surveillance/ (I just looked them up; I don't …
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/23 08:58 PM
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