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Zealousideal_Try_864 Archive

View 3 posts and 256 comments by Zealousideal_Try_864 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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4

“Women only care about how you are currently making them feel” Live by this and never forget it. And remember, it’s feelings, not logic or reality.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 08:28 PM
1

Oh. She sends him home with random wedding stuff sometimes. To her it never happened. To me it’s all part of my story. When he asks about it when he’s a little older, I will be able to show him. When he asks why I have all of it and his mom has none, I will tell him that he is more than welcome to ask his mother.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 07:05 AM
1

This is G rated compared to what has been done in the past. I don’t react anymore. She is more than welcome to keep trying. I have the tools to deal with it now.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 08:42 PM
2

Long winded, but totally on the money and enjoyed every minute of this read. The important thing is that you learn to recognize the signs of this kind of toxicity and get the fuck out immediately. Most of these women can’t tell the truth, usually because they have conditioned and gaslit themselves to believe their own lies as reality. They will pull you in and spit you out. It’s all about control. They typically have daddy issues and have a different man in their life that suits whatever particu…
/r/seduction26/12/25 02:06 PM
11

This. Listen to this guy.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 10:25 PM
0

But according to him said she didn’t. She needs to say what she means and mean what she says.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 03:34 PM
3

So… She doesn’t want to be a step mom. Gets in a minor argument about the above and seems to want to control it regardless. Wants to leave the relationship over this. Doesn’t like anything about her life. I’m just not feeling any warm and fuzzies here.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 03:30 PM
1

And you have to make the decision of whether you want to deal with her ever changing emotions. I value life too much at this point to deal with any emotional toxicity. Generally women who put you through shit tests are emotionally immature and they reek of manipulation and control.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 03:11 PM
2

Which is her problem, not his.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 02:40 PM
1

supposedly this is possible. the problem is when you sacrifice your life and boundaries because you just want to “make it work”. the most important thing is that you learn from your prior experiences and don’t repeat the same mistakes.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 02:33 PM
2

And she can absolutely do that. So can he.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 02:11 PM
4

More red flags flying than the east coast beaches right now. Literally sounds like classic cluster B discard to pull you back in. Why would you want to complicate your life with this emotional fuckery?
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 01:31 PM
1

I got exactly the same narrative. And then she tried to make me the villain…legally. Being abandoned and feeling abandoned are two different things. If she is emotionally immature, the latter will ALWAYS be the case and you will never hit that moving goal post.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/25 11:05 AM
3

This is all great advice! I would add walking. Walking is amazing. I cried every night for at least a year. All part of the process.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/25 11:35 PM
1

What world are you leaving behind? You complain that life isn’t the way that you want it, but that you’re leaving that life behind. The transition is not comfortable and there are adjustments, and those are the factors you need to weigh in. Home is what you make it. Your kids aren’t going away. If your extended family GENUINELY loves you then they aren’t going away either.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/25 12:18 PM
6

So she got the kids and now she wants to live life differently and/or was lying about who she really was to begin with? Never happens. You can either stay because society tells you to or you can go live your life. I would choose the latter.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/25 10:05 PM
6

Four times a year for 5-10 minutes? Doesn’t really matter anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/25 11:40 AM
2

Dude. That’s exactly what’s going to happen. She’s going to want to make you break so she can have the upper hand. Just know that if you do agree to a plan that it will most likely become the status quo. It sucks. You need to do this for your kids. That’s what you think about while you live through this hell.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 07:53 PM
1

I highly encourage you not to leave even after you’ve filed. You are under the microscope until custody is decided. You filing and then pulling a GTFO shows that you don’t care about your kids. Whether you think that’s how it looks or not is irrelevant. I understand that it’s better for your kids not to see the arguing, alienation, verbal abuse, etc. Unfortuantely until there is some reform to the system, that’s not how the court may see it.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 05:42 PM
1

Oh, I was living there after that exact thing happened. You’re basically stuck there until you can either get a separation agreement with her, a custody order from a judge or one of you files a protective order to get the other one out. There is unfortunately no other way to be sure to protect yourself. I ate many a dinner by myself in the bathtub in a locked bathroom. Pretty soon she may turn you into an abusive coke addict. It’s up to you to prove that you’re not. Not trying to scare you, i’m …
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 04:42 PM
2

Trapped in rooms? Wow…brings back memories. That happened to me earlier in my former marriage as well. She graduated to blocking staircases during the divorce process. She is going to make your life a living hell in the house. If you try to do it amicably, it will just make this hell on earth longer. She’s already telling you what she thinks the law is. This is a huge red flag for what is to come. I would file and just sack up and stay in the house. Document and record everything, especially you…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 10:41 AM
4

This is just about where I am. Pretty much exactly.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/25 10:54 AM
1

Time my friend. They keep saying it because it’s true. When I was at three months i felt the same way. It won’t be forever. Trust us. You are doing all the things. I am two years out. There is no substitute for time, so keep doing you.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 09:28 PM
1

If you’re just looking for the counselor to say that the other person is to blame, then no. And that’s how mine went down and how i’ve heard the majority go down. I’m glad to see others on this sub actually have had success with it. Personally I think that if you need a total stranger to help you get along with someone you’ve been with for years, it’s probably not in the cards.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 10:07 PM
2

I have a few thoughts. “No” is the one that sticks.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/25 09:01 PM
1

I mean, it really depends on the bitch. I’m looking for one that’s used to micro penii so I can look like a fucking stallion.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/25 08:57 PM
3

This. Just don’t try too hard. Turn up DGAF meter a little and be a little mysterious. You don’t want to appear too hungry.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/25 07:51 PM
4

I’ve had a lot of luck dating myself for a few years now. Maybe I’ll get back out there one day. I just don’t see the point yet.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/25 06:32 PM
3

You being “emotionally unavailable” means that she wanted out (for whatever reason) and it had to be your fault. The answer to your question would be a no. And if you are willing to get rid of the current girlfriend ONLY because she supported her friend’s deceased sibling, then you probably aren’t ready to date yet.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/25 10:26 AM
18

Standard bullshit. It can’t ever be your wife’s fault, so whatever narrative she can spin to do so, she will. MIL has to support said psychotic behavior or lose access to grandchildren. One party state or not, I would record. I would rather both come in with dirty hands than only have whatever false allegations she will most likely make up. Just keep grey rocking and turn your DGAF meter to its highest setting.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 10:55 AM
22

Stop giving a fuck. Start questioning societal norms. We’re not here too long. Have some fun.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 02:13 AM
1

Well, like I said before, to each their own. There are no right answers here. I think that being able to see through someone’s past is part of the emotional maturity. (We’re not talking about 2 ton baggage, just old posts with pictures of what used to be. The emotional maturity that my ex was lacking and is still lacking is not something that I choose to deal with in my next relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/25 01:24 AM
18

I’m two years out and a few years younger. No dates. No problem. Living my best life.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 11:05 PM
2

Why do I need to hide/delete it? Why am I so concerned about what others think? That’s why I’m in the situation I’m in.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 03:02 PM
2

Projected. It is the past. Everything on social media is the past because it isn’t happening right now in the present.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 02:45 PM
-1

Delete your past? Delete your life? Good luck with that. To each their own, but if I spent a good portion of my life with someone then there would be an expectation that there would be a history. If a prospective woman isn’t secure enough to understand that, then she’s no longer a prospect.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 01:46 PM
2

Part (or all) of it is our culture of mass consumerism and competition. We have to push ourselves for progress, but at what point does it become more important than just living?
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/25 11:56 AM
6

I had 1000s of hours of recorded verbal abuse and alienation from our child. I make more. The court does not care.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/25 09:58 PM
12

So I guess it was all your fault? Does “getting your shit together” mean doing exactly what she says because you were doing everything “wrong”? You must have treated her pretty badly if she stayed with you for 10 years. She writes you a letter about what you did wrong as part of the divorce process? Sounds like a lot of cluster to the B. I would start documenting and recording everything immediately and contact an attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/25 09:46 PM
4

I would do whatever you can to see your kids 50/50. If that means adjusting your lifestyle or whatever then so be it. She’s going to get CS based on overnights, so even if you are making more money, you will be paying said money to her and seeing your kids less.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 10:55 PM
10

This is not even close to 50/50. Legally it’s 72/28. Absolutely not. Your children need to see real weekday AND weekend life for both of you. She doesn’t get to control you any more.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 09:47 PM
3

She will delay forever if you let her. You’ve asked, it’s been 5 months. Just file.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 01:31 PM
2

All of this. And….a lower rate now can’t fix custody issues later. If there is one thing that you do not want to cheap out on in life, it is this. My ex had a cheap attorney. I had fun with him on the stand. That’s not the feeling that you want her to have if it comes to it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 12:38 PM
5

It’s all marketing. Find a local family law attorney/firm that has been practicing for a while and knows all the judges and other attorneys. I also recommend hiring a female attorney. There are more advantages if you ever go to court than just perception.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 11:10 AM
1

If that’s how you think it’s going to go then you just need to file. Anyone can file before a year on “cruelty” or “desertion” or whatever stipulation works pretty much anywhere. That’s how the process gets started when people can’t agree. This concept was foreign to me in the beginning as well. Custody is the only matter? It usually is because the finances follow that decision. I recommend contacting an attorney before this thing starts to drag out and/or you suddenly become a physically and me…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/25 09:46 AM
2

Yea, all that shit happened.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/25 04:20 PM
16

This wasn’t out of the blue. She’s been thinking this for a while. She wants out and will make whatever reality she can to fit the narrative that the reason she needs out is you. It’s your fault. I would start preparing for the silver bullet. Start documenting and recording everything from here on out.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/25 11:58 AM
3

Generalizations or not, this is exactly what happened to me. She continues this behavior post divorce. It’s difficult to communicate with someone that believes in their own reality. You learn that the best course of action is to minimize those communications as nothing is ever truthful anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/25 10:35 AM
9

Rule number one is not to ask her for anything. What kind of things is she asking you for? Most of it is just a shit test anyway. Pay attention to her actions, not her words.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/25 12:18 AM
1

My advice would be to do what YOU feel is comfortable. If you are comfortable and living rent free for the time being though, I would stay that track if it’s going to allow you to save up and buy a house. You remind me of me a few years ago before all of my shit started. Looks like you were looking for book recommendations in another sub. I recommend: Stoicism: The art of Happiness No More Mr. Nice Guy The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck The most important thing I needed to get over was to stop …
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/25 01:23 PM
2

I pulled out my mountain bike from high school a few weeks ago. It was amazing. Get that bike out and ride!
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/25 10:34 PM
6

I mean this with love, she is probably happier without you. There’s no control that you have over that. What you do have control over is you. If she were to ever desire you again, it would be you proving that you can make it out there on your own….and that you are thriving. Get back into old hobbies. Get into new hobbies. Walk. Run. Workout. Jerk off. You can do WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT now. Embrace it. Do it. And stop thinking about the past. The past is poisoning you. Don’t think about where…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/25 10:17 PM
1

You will get used to it. Even better is that you will cherish every moment you have with them now. When you’re not with them, work on you. Go out and do something for yourself. If you’re not with your kids and can’t be, it does no good for your mental being to sit there and ruminate about it. You will become complacent with this concept. It will take time. Do not rush it. I picked up all the stuff I wasn’t allowed to do for myself anymore. Ride my bike, play guitar, go to concerts, go on trips, …
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 09:38 PM
1

Yea. You’re not going anywhere with mediation, unless it’s exactly how she wants it. She wants you to submit to alcohol testing before a video call? Fine. She can do it too. Do not agree to any of this crap. Any lawyer who let you agree to that needs to be relinquished immedately. Don’t worry about trying to diagnose her behavior, just learn to respond to it. Most of it requires no response. If she’s gone radio silent then that’s great. Just sit back and enjoy the show. When you end up in court,…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 12:12 PM
2

Wow! If I could change one thing about this comment, it would be nothing. Spot on for both my situation and how I feel now.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 10:49 AM
3

First of all, does she have a full qwerty keyboard? That would annoy the shit out of me right there. Is she 5? Our court order stipulates that we use OFW. Not a single one of those examples requires a response. Tell her that from now on, you want to use OFW. Fuck, tell her you’ll even pay for it (it is worth it). If she balks, tell her that you won’t communicate with her unless she uses it. She’s gonna take you to court? Great!!! From what I see in just your limited examples,any judge will slap …
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 01:11 AM
6

Anger is a reaction, not a response. Anger is also a decision, not a requirement. Control is an illusion, not reality. You can put a positive spin on anything, but that’s really up to you. It took me years, and i’m still getting there.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/25 11:00 AM
2

This… And are they really going to hurt her? Mine thought that fpictures of me with a beer in my hand on a family beach trip was the clincher….
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 11:12 AM
2

I mean, I get all that and thank you both for your service. I just don’t know if the judge is going to get all that.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 10:46 PM
2

He’s not wrong
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 03:23 PM
1

Thanks man! Funny, my Mom said the same thing. Sometimes I wonder how my Dad REALLY felt about her. Then I remembered not to live in the past and that it’s irrelevant at this point.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 01:24 PM
4

Stay in the fucking house. I lived in a makeshift prison for 6 months. Verbal abuse, accusations, alienation, etc. Recorded every second of it. You can do this. Don’t you go anywhere until you have a custody order from the court or an MSA in place. 6 months of pain for a lifetime with our child.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 12:48 PM
7

Time. Walking. Lifting. Living in the present. Revert back to who you really are, not what you turned into. A better understanding of my childhood and the reason I lacked boundaries I should have enforced.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 12:38 PM
2

So what kind of custody are you looking for? Irrespective of the fact that you are currently the primary caregiver, is she a good parent when she is with her or otherwise? If the answer to this question is yes then I would not pursue more than 50/50.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 10:24 AM
1

Absolutely. They understand how unreasonable they can be. Mine caught just about every single lie and called her out on the stand. So validating.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 09:54 AM
3

Correct, but filing will make her shit or get off the pot. She will find out that she can’t get everything she wants and then she can choose the mediation path or the court path. You can try mediation before you file, but it depends on reasonable she is. I had a child involved, but two mediators told her that there was no way she was getting full custody and that alimony would be out the window since we make similar salaries. Both said it would most likely end up 50/50 custody and assets split d…
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/25 05:21 PM
6

It allows you to control the pace. Which should be as fast as humanly fucking possible to avoid unnecessary legal fees and general aggravation..
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 11:17 PM
1

If you wanted to continue to make joint day-to-day decisions then you would still be married. Kids need to know that dad has obligations during the week that need to be fulfilled and has to work. That is why 50/50 is so important. They need to see every day life.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 10:50 PM
14

She’s not going to file either. She likes the idea of controlling you even more than she did before. She would ride this shit out for the rest of her life if she could. For the sake of your sanity, just file.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 08:52 PM
3

There is. Don’t get married until the system is reformed. Too late for me now, but now I know.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 03:11 PM
6

I’ll never forget the time during our in-house separation where i said… “You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore” You need to stay in that house. It will be very uncomfortable for you. She wants you out because it’s uncomfortable for her. Regarding the kids. On the weekends just make an executive decision to go somewhere with them and just leave. Go somewhere fun. All day. Get them out of your new prison. Do you think that you are doing something wrong if you do that? Probably….you’ve been c…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 11:32 AM
2

Our Family Wizard is correct. It is the choice app of the courts and in some cases judges can have direct access to it. I highly recommend using it as your ONLY form of communication in situations where your divorce is contentious and/or you have problems with her lying. If we ever went back to court at this point, the false accusations, attempt to elicit control, self-imposed ultimatums and over all tone of her communication would get her scolded. “Coparenting” for her is me agreeing to everyth…
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 10:47 PM
3

50% on agreed upon activities is what mine says. being as that we only communicate via OFW, the agreement is always documented.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 09:05 PM
10

Respond, don’t react. Most of the time you don’t even need to respond.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/25 03:38 PM
10

I embrace all of it. I regret none of it. I think that it has made me an even better father. However, this experience changed my outlook on the nuclear family. How many married people are TRULY content? How many of them are actually living their best life? I told myself I was. Now I actually am.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/25 10:18 PM
7

And continue to live life how you want to instead of following societal norms.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/25 08:33 PM
1

What if you came to her and asked her to change things because it makes your life easier? Unless it benefitted her, you know where that conversation would go. I also think that children need to see both parents’ weekday and weekend life. They are generally very different.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/25 07:26 PM
3

You will never make sense of what happened because it won’t ever make sense. It’s largely irrelevant because you can’t change the past and have no control over her in the present. Her parents are going to support her no matter what, because they know if they don’t that they are going to lose access to their grandchild. You could not have said this any better…. “But the truth has a way of surfacing over time. I won’t badmouth her mother — but I also won’t lie.” This has been my exact path. It is …
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/25 12:04 PM
7

I don’t even see one green flag
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 07:31 PM
6

This is learned behavior for a woman in the 21st century in the western world. She’s looking for a reaction alright….a negative one that puts her in the positive light and makes you look like an asshole. You are free, my man. The important thing is that it sounds like you learned from your experience though.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 06:40 PM
6

A few things come to mind. How does this benefit you or your kids at all? Why doesn’t she get along with her son very well? Are you sure that you learned from the previous one? It sounds a lot like you are not comfortable with this and she is pushing your boundaries.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 12:20 PM
3

I think it gave the judge an idea of what’s going on. A mother accusing a child’s father of poisoning meals, being a drug addict, saying that i’m not even a real father, etc. (all in front of a 4 year old child) is not a good look. Would it have been the same result without them? Most likely. All unfounded claims with no proof or basis to back it up.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/25 10:01 PM
3

Yes. The opposite. Even had recordings played in court of her verbally berating/denigrating me, many times in front of our child. I had to protect myself against all of her lies and claims of abuse. Here’s the thing. What does this tell people (and in this case the judge)? You shouldn’t be together anymore. Unless you have some prior or pending DV charges, I wouldn’t worry about it at all. Outcome was 50/50.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/25 10:44 AM
2

They can deny all they want, but they can’t erase.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/25 10:31 AM
2

Just stick around here. Reading this sub is better than any book I’ve read and Ive read most of them.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/25 07:46 PM
6

My problem was that I didn't realize how toxic it was. My household is now a happy one. I'm sure she still thinks it's all my fault. Luckily she can think whatever she wants to and I don't have to listen to it More importantly, neither does our child....at least when they are with me.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 04:41 PM
3

You can’t change what happened in the past or control what happens in the future. I would stop thinking about how you are supposed to feel rather than just living in the present. You also need lots of time and positive vibes. You’ll get there.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/25 11:09 AM
5

You keep doing what’s best for your daughter. Your ex thinks that your daughter’s best interest is for you to be out of her life unless she’s able to control you like a puppet. From now on, you should be doing things on a need to know basis and communicating only through documented forms of communication (preferably only one).
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 11:04 PM
2

yea… a woman generally gets 50/50 by default or if she fights a man who wants 50/50. a man generally gets 50/50 if the woman allows it or he fights a woman who wants 100/0 or any other fraction less than 50/50. women definitely don’t have an advantage during the divorce process. that must be another lie. Men who don’t give a shit about their children probably don’t follow this sub. Men who give a shit about their children are going to be more sexually attractive to women.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 01:19 AM
2

Mine still does. It’s not that i’m doing anything wrong, it’s that i’m doing….anything. She’s more than welcome to criticize anything and everything I do. It’s not my job to make her happy (impossible feat anyway), my job is to make my child happy.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 07:07 PM
2

Yep. Not a thing you can do. But….at least your SMV is higher now. Try to look at the silver linings i guess.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 12:30 AM
6

So she tried to fuck you over and now you’re supposed to help her? Sucks for her. I know what I would do.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 12:19 AM
23

Being able to make your own decisions. Even when you’re with you’re children. It’s a fucking amazing concept.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 12:15 AM
4

i used to have to lock myself in the bathroom for three hours and eat dinner, then sneak out of there and lock myself in the bedroom all while audio recording everything for about 6 months when we had an in-house separation. You got this man.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 11:55 PM
7

Man. I know that feeling. Used to happen every night. Now it’s maybe once a month if that. You should be more worried if you didn’t have that feeling. That was half of your life. Just remind yourself that it isn’t your life anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 07:51 PM
1

But…textbook and predictable. I can’t control her, but I usually know her next move.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 05:57 PM
7

Hard to say. She continues to one up herself and the behavior isn’t ever going to stop. Probably the false sexual abuse allegations so far.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 08:39 PM
6

Mine has really gotten used to surprises. Unfortunately it is the only way.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 08:30 PM
1

I had neither and it sounds like that’s the way you’re going. It sounds like compromise is not going to be a word in her vocabulary. If it was, she would not have retained counsel. I would start documenting and/or recording everything at this point. It can get really bad really fast.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 04:15 PM
5

No
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 05:12 PM
2

It’s all about what you’re comfortable with. i’m at two years and haven’t done shit. Nothing. Between the trauma and not actually needing anyone, I just don’t care. A nice NSA fling would be great, but not looking for any effort or drama so that I can focus on myself and my child.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 12:25 AM
3

I wish I didn’t understand or agree with this post. But alas I do.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/25 02:21 AM
1

So it sounds like you were expecting accountability.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/25 01:18 PM
3

Sounds very familiar. It will not get any better. Her shit is her shit and your shit is “our shit”. I’d you don’t get out, she will find a way to get “our shit” from you. I could be wrong, but your timeline checks out. And you should probably stop using words like “fair”. They have no place in this process.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/25 12:37 AM
1

I'm so glad you're amicable. That's amazing. What direction are you looking for? I think maybe you should be directionless. Rambling is good. Keep doing that. Don't overthink this. You'll remember what you like to do.....and more importantly do it with your daughter.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/25 02:13 AM
11

Find yourself first. If you don’t figure out the mistakes you made with the one you chose this time, then you’re just going to choose the wrong one again. Throw all societal norms out the window and know that you don’t actually “need” anyone.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 11:20 PM
6

Well at least she told you she wasn’t. I no longer believe anything they say, only what they do.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 11:12 PM
3

Been there for a few years now. Gradually your flight pattern gets lower until you are finally grounded.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 08:08 PM
7

Humans made up the concept of monogamy.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 06:57 PM
4

I get it. But even if your intuition was true, how does that help you now? To prove to everyone else that you’re right? Or that she’s wrong? Or both? What’s the prize? I think your gut feeling(s) are right where they need to be. I think you need to get “right” and “wrong” out of your head. Those words lead you away from true happiness.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 11:47 PM
9

Do you know what’s better than finding out the truth? Not caring. Can’t live in the past, man. Going to slow down/fuck up the healing process. This is your time to do you and be you. You probably forgot who you were.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 09:30 PM
1

And recording. No one would ever believe 75% of the shit that came out of her mouth during our in house separation.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 06:10 PM
13

When? Largely irrelevant. The important thing is that you’ve now realized it. If it wasn’t finances, it would be something else (you don’t give her enough hugs or some such bullshit). Probably the most important thing is that you get your kids (if you have any) away from this type of behavior. Life shouldn’t be a constant competition. It’s nice to actually enjoy it. I’m loving becoming more of a minimalist.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/25 08:03 PM
4

I lost about 15-20 pounds. People said I looked emaciated. This will pass. It may take awhile. Don’t force it. Think of it as a really bad hangover. The worst, longest fucking hangover you’ve ever had. In the meantime, I would encourage walking. As far as you can. Currently, this is the probably the best exercise for your mind and your body.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 10:24 PM
1

We have split 50/50 legal/physical. It's about as amicable as Russia and Ukraine. I live in the "better" school district but she enrolled our child in school without my consent. We live about 15 minutes apart (in different school districts). Going to tell you straight up though.....most courts aren't going to want to say that one school is "better" than another if the schools are in the same county. Currently our child has his friends in both neighborhoods. Hopefully they will be more and more i…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/25 02:29 PM
23

I made all the same mistakes. "give your wife everything she ever asked for" -- this is how your wife learned to have these expectations...because you never did say NO. "literally everything together" -- this is how you end up losing your individuality/identity. i'm guessing most of it is what she wanted to do, not you. "This girl was the center of my world" -- and she knew it and exploited it. You need be the center of your own world. If you spend your entire life trying to control the happines…
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/25 05:26 PM
2

Counseling from whom in what community? I am strictly referring to marriage counseling. Have you ever know anyone that’s gone to counseling at work to get along with that one coworker they didn’t get along with? Have you ever known anyone that’s gone to “friend” counseling because they weren’t getting along with their bestie the way they wanted to anymore? I’m not against trying marriage counseling, but I agree that it is more effective if done sooner rather than later.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/25 02:11 AM
0

I still think that if you need counseling at all, then it probably won't work. Even though we've been cohabitating for years and cannot communicate effectively, let's go to a complete stranger that's never met us before to tell us how to get along.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/25 07:53 PM
2

Stay in the house. She can't kick you out, just as you cannot kick her out. I would contact an attorney and get started on this sooner rather than later. If she already told you she wants you out of the house, then she'll find a way to do it. And start recording. Audio is fine. All interactions......so just leave it on at least when you are in the house. I don't know how amicable this will be, but that will dictate whether you go lawyers or mediation. I did an in house separation for 7 months. P…
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/25 05:50 PM
21

Or you're a dad that doesn't try to elicit absolute complete control over your children because through the process of divorce, you realized that was what your ex was doing to you. You also learn not to care that much about what she thinks because no matter what you do, it will always be wrong.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/25 05:39 PM
7

You let her be her crazy self during mediation. Anything that you want she will see as her losing because of her all or nothing thinking. When she picks fights, just walk away. literally walk out of the house and go for a walk. Lock yourself in the bathroom and take a nice long bath if you need to. If her lawyer already hates her, i’m sure it’s because she has no capacity to understand compromise. Just keep your boundaries and make sure to respond and not react to all of her bullshit. It takes a…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 11:49 PM
2

Most of it you don't have to even respond to. You could say "received", but considering OFW does time stamps for when they are read, I think it's largely irrelevant. Hopefully you aren't verbally talking to her when you pick them up and if you are that you are recording. She's trying to use the "best interest of the children" angle and that you are an unfit parent. In her mind it will work. Most judges can see through her cluster B tendencies and need for control. If you weren't good enough to b…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 05:03 PM
12

You mean shit like this? “Please provide a detailed explanation of the large abrasion found on <child’s> chin, along with the scratches found on <child’s> legs and arms. The explanation shall include details such as who, what when, where, and why, along with what precautions were done before and after the incident” I’m almost two years past the custody order and a year and a half post divorce. I wish I could say that it will get better, but she sounds like a control freak. This is the only way s…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 03:56 PM
1

Go for a walk. When you are tired, walk more. Those 10/11PM walks are very liberating. Assuming you’re not in the middle of the city, the quaintness is amazing. I would also encourage you to play music in the house if you are home alone. all over the house. it’s just nice not to catch grief for even wanting to put a speaker in the bathroom.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 11:18 PM
7

So if you really don’t know what you’re looking for, do you think you’re ever going to find it? I’m just glad that i’m free. I have no one that I have to consult with anymore for every single fucking decision I make in life. The “loneliness, loss and what-ifs” are all in the past. You can’t change that or live there. You are trying to forget the present and live in this future life of happiness that doesn’t exist. You can’t predict that or live there either. Drop any notion of control that you t…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 01:05 AM
2

Notwithstanding…I can’t imagine it being comfortable even in an amicable situation. I can’t turn around anything, I just learn how to deal with it. Divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/25 11:46 PM
4

Depends on your situation. Mine decided that all of a sudden I was a terrible father, coke addict, physically and mentally abusive, yada yada yada silver bullet bullshit. I was forced to stay in the house or possibly lose custody of my child. Worst seven months of my life, but not doing that could have been a non-existent future with my child. If you can get a separation agreement/ parenting plan and are somewhat amicable, i’d recommend getting the fuck out.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/25 08:30 PM
2

I mean, I think most kids would say they were dragged to church. I am who I am now and it wasn’t shoved down my throat, I was just dragged to church. I’d almost rather my child experience something to know that they want…well…nothing, if that’s the direction they want to go. My child is not an extension of me. Guiding is one thing, steering is another.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/25 01:49 AM
1

Nothing if you are religious.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/25 11:37 PM
7

Full disclosure, I am an atheist (and she actually tried to use it against me in court). This is definitely a big no-no because it is considered a legal decision, but enforcement will be virtually impossible. The thing you have going for you is that generally church is boring as fuck for any child (and adults like me), so they’re going to want to leave the entire time they are there anyway. Obviously a two year old isn’t going to pick up too much of either of the content from the testaments (i’m…
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/25 11:01 PM
3

8 Months? I’m two and a half years out and not even close to ready. I don’t think he is either.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/25 10:41 PM
10

So the beginning was her representative. This is who she really is. Hopefully this isn’t who you want.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/25 11:20 PM
1

I can't predict the future, but I that really sounds like the beginning of my story. Your last sentence holds no weight in THIS realm. If she will go to couples therapy, check it out. If the goal of either (or both) of you is to explain to the therapist why the other one of you is a piece of shit and the problem with the relationship completely resides with them, you're going to be seeing a lot more of this forum.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 01:46 AM
3

No hate. All of it makes sense. Timing is about par...many of us around the same (14 together/4 year old for me). Sounds like you need to get the fuck out. There is no amount of money you can trade for freedom. Unfortunately, you probably don't even know what that is anymore. I didn't. This is the best thing for your daughter. It also sounds as if you are done talking to the wife, so go talk to a lawyer. I would also start recording. Everything. At least you've come to the realization that you a…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 01:13 AM
2

You can continue it, but it will most likely end badly. All of this will just get worse and then you bring a child into the mix to teach them how a dysfunctional relationship is "normal". She thrives on conflict. That's not going to change and it's just going to get worse. I'm glad you went to therapy and faced the issues from your childhood. There's a reason she chose you.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/25 06:58 PM
2

As long as it takes, and It sounds as if that is exactly what you are doing.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/25 12:33 AM
8

I’m sure at that point I was already recording when I was around her 24/7. Even if you were, chances are the cops wouldn’t have done anything since you identify as a man and she identifies as a woman. I would also stop worrying and/or second guessing what you would have done. It’s tough to live in the future and even harder to live in the past.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/25 12:22 AM
1

Men are good for making a child. Same thing women are good for. we both had full time jobs but hers was “harder” and “more demanding” so i did all the shit regarding the house and our child. i did the whole fucking “to do list” when i was married, but i always did it wrong. even when i did it how “it should be done”. now we both get to do our own to do lists and she still tells me how wrong i do everything. Good for her trying to still control everything. Good for me that I don’t have to listen …
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 10:10 PM
1

So you sound like you’re not happy. At all. It sounds as if she is not happy. At all. Staying for the kids is never the right reason. It seems like it is, but it’s not. You are normalizing what a dysfunctional relationship looks like to your children. Then the generational cycle continues.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 09:48 PM
12

Except when the shit hits the fan and she makes up all kinds of false allegations to get full custody for larger child support payments.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 02:38 PM
1

2.5L? The infamous head gasket issue any time after 100k? Sounds about right. Transmission is surprising unless it’s one of those POS CVTs. Anyway, not the sub for that so I’ll stop now.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 11:52 PM
7

We don’t know the dynamic of their marriage. I think that if that narrative was that he always made the wrong decisions and/or couldn’t do anything right, then these feelings could be understandable. At no point did OP say he wished this upon her, it just gave him a chuckle, most likely because of irony.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 11:40 AM
2

After being falsely accused of physically/mentally abusing her, being a coke addict and poisoning Thanksgiving dinner… 100 fucking percent.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 10:21 PM
1

You’re trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense anymore. That timeline checks out perfectly. It’s the timeline of most around here +/- a few years. Every day of my life now feels like vacation instead of an obligation (that’s with a full time job and 50% custody of our only child). Shit’s gonna get brighter.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 09:58 PM
1

The fact that mine wanted to get rid of them and erase that part of her life shows who she is. It's all part of your life story. I have a whole box of all of our wedding stuff in the closet. Every once and a while she will send our child back with more. One day when it is age appropriate we will go through them. In the end the marriage ended up being shitty, but the wedding was amazing. It's more super weird that you care about her opinion. You caring about her opinion is why you are divorced an…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 02:49 PM
4

Family unit? What definition are you using? For me that definition is a father and his child. You need to miss the family dysfunction you had more than the family unit you had.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 10:42 AM
1

I don't think it's in either of your best interest(s) to use a mutual friend for this process. This is the one time in your life that you should not be looking for "below market cost". "Below market cost" now could turn into "above market cost" for the rest of your life.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/25 04:33 PM
2

and really anything else not directly related to your child.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/25 10:26 PM
1

He forgot to sentd them
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/25 02:09 AM
2

Yea. I would have been better off getting a male attorney so that the perception was a bunch of men ganging up on a poor defenseless mother. That would have been much better.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 10:39 PM
2

The only woman that you should be listening to in your divorce is your attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 08:02 PM
3

Yea, that's gonna be a tough one. She's just being a pain in the ass. She's going to read that court order however it makes her look like she's doing the right thing. I want to be able to say that something favorable would happen if you pursued this, but most likely you would just be wasting your money. I keep a running document of all the times that our custody order is "broken", but know full well that nothing will probably ever come of it. I just keep it on the back burner in case any accusat…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 08:28 PM
5

Why are you seeking a relationship? Who told you that you needed one? Hopefully not anyone other than yourself. "What the fuck is the point?" -- Great question. Make sure you can answer it before you jump into another relationship. When I can think of a solid answer, maybe I'll start pursuing one. "Should I just live the rest of my life single?" -- Yet another great question that only you will be able to answer. I would keep an open mind and not think in absolutes. "Is seeking a relationship aga…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 07:04 PM
1

I would document your pick-up/dropoff and show that you are there and she is not. I would take your phone out and start recording before you get there and just keep it on to show that she is not dropping off according to the order. When you say "she's refusing to give the kids directly to you", what do you mean by that? Do you eventually get them for that custody time? If you don't do anything, her consequences of not following the order are nothing. You would need to prove that she is exhibitin…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 06:51 PM
2

This is completely normal. I met my attorney the first time for the consultation. I did not see or verbally speak with her again other than email until we actually went to court. Attorneys do not have time to talk their clients on the phone. It's also in their best interest to have a paper trail. Make sure that you get all of the paperwork related to your case and go do a consult with another (or more) attorney. I'm sure they will be able to pick up where you left off, but know that the way your…
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/25 04:27 PM
2

Hence why I’ve made zero effort to try this shit again. Why try to fix what isn’t broken?
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/25 02:17 AM
6

This guy is spot on. What they say they want isn't actually what they want, either. Watch what they do, not what they say.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 08:28 PM
2

So is it better for your daughter to continue seeing the dysfunctional relationship with your wife and normalize this behavior or know that you've done your best to thwart this behavior at least 50% of the time? You think of it as "leaving your daughter". I think you need to change your perspective to "saving your daughter". Mine pulled all the shit. She's still pulling all the shit. You can't control her or her actions. Not now, not ever. The only control you have is to remove yourself (and mor…
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 02:34 PM
2

I absolutely did and it was the best decision I ever made. You and your legal team should absolutely be driving that bus. My first lawyer was the “sit and wait” approach. She wasn’t quarantined to the basement of the house eating dinner in the fucking bathtub. If it’s in anyway not amicable then you need someone more assertive.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 01:21 AM
11

Good! I’d you didn’t, then you would have to have some sort of personality disorder. It will take time. I still have my days almost two years later. What I don’t have to worry about is coming home and wondering what thing I’m going to do or say that’s going to piss her off. What I don’t have to worry about is asking permission to go to the store, do laundry, go for a walk, etc. Every day feels like a weekend now because all of those eggshells are gone.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 01:14 AM
5

I wouldn’t say that you need to go in a shell, just don’t go out and date women because people say… “oh, you gotta go out and do that”. You don’t have to do shit. Listening to other people is what got me where I was. Listening to myself is what got me where I am.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 11:50 PM
7

And that’s why more than two years later I’m still in no hurry to get laid. Pretty sure mine started banging some dude right after the final custody order was decided. Take some time to find yourself again and take care of your kids. I just got done uncomplicating my life, why would I go and mess all that up?
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 11:44 PM
1

First rule of narcissism is that you never confront a narcissist. How do you know she is a narcissist and/or is in the cluster B spectrum? She can certainly have tendencies and you can vocalize the tendencies being similar, but unless she is diagnosed by a mental health professional then I wouldn’t go around accusing her of having a personality disorder. It sounds like you have already made your decision. If she truly is a narcissist, she is incapable of loving you (or anyone). Your goal isn’t t…
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 11:28 PM
3

I've found that I had lots of anxiety in my life when I was married and it seemed to be for no good reason in hindsight. On paper, I should have more stress and anxiety in my life now, but yet I don't. I was not a math major, but the common denominator seems to fit.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 09:06 PM
3

We all do. The important thing is that we embrace our childhood experiences, learn from the trauma and adjust accordingly. I’m guessing you’ve probably been exposed to conflict in a relationship to the point where you’ve normalized the behavior, so that’s what you think you want. You’ve got to break the cycle.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/25 08:52 PM
6

This is definitely something that stems from your childhood. Your inability to set boundaries (amongst other issues most likely) makes you attracted to women with Cluster B tendencies.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/25 04:23 PM
7

So let me get this straight… Your wife does all the shit around the house and raises the kids while you go sleep with your coworker because “you were constantly seeking other woman’s attention when you were going out and your wife never came along” I mean this in the most loving of ways….how the fuck do you think this looks?
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/25 11:58 PM
4

Yea. They do this. It's got to be someone's fault and it ain't hers. You eventually get to a point where you don't care. You can't control her or what she says and does. You also have no idea what those moms are actually thinking or saying, you're going based on what your wife said. Even that post she showed you could have been posted just so that your wife sees that mom is on her side. She wants you out of that house because it was your fault. It doesn't matter how big it is or who it can and c…
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 07:55 PM
6

Yes. Absolutely not. I assume you don't have children, so this process will be so much easier for you.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 07:38 PM
12

Every time that you sleep with her she views you as less of a man. And yes, she wants something. It’s a classic hoover. Maintain your boundaries and only communicate about the children. If it becomes about anything else then exit the conversation immediately.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 04:54 PM
9

Mine never took it. In fact, she wanted to change our child’s last name to her last name during the separation process. Then again, she wanted a lot of things she didn’t get.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 12:13 AM
5

You set the timeline, which you want to be as fast as humanly possible.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 12:03 AM
1

Visited the in-laws (and vice versa) all the time. Father-in-law never had a problem. First time I saw mother-in-law since she testified against me in court and did more harm to her daughter than good. We never had a problem either until her daughter did. I did not throw any babies out of any baths, I merely did what I do in all interactions with her and avoid conflict, especially around our child. She is going to do whatever she can to be the victim, draw a reaction and then point the finger an…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 04:56 AM
1

Man, you’ve been through some shit too. Hindsight is crazy, isn’t it? You become so jaded and/or isolated that you normalize the abnormal. The important part is that you are free. And, for better or worse, so is she.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 04:22 AM
5

You need to keep emotions out of it and forget about her cheating. Who gives a shit at this point? One thing in the way of your happiness is worrying about some woman who clearly doesn’t give a shit about you. Communicate only about your boy and nothing else and only when you need to. It sounds like talking on the phone might also be triggering. If that’s the case, then keep it to electronic communication. I would just buy a separate games console and keep it at my house just so I didn’t have to…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 02:45 AM
2

“Why aren’t you?”
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/25 10:23 PM
4

You probably do, and most likely for good reason, but that’s not going to do you any good. Just be the chill and forget about her victimhood (and yours). We are all victims of life, how much we focus on that determines our ability to move on. Saturday night my dinner was Cabernet and bacon. I’m living my best life.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/25 01:01 AM
6

I’ve been pretty content with my hand so far. Maybe one day I’ll forget all the bullshit I went through and complicate my life again.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/25 02:35 AM
5

This. Be the chill. Don’t bring your kids into adult stuff. She may be, but that doesn’t mean you have to or should.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/25 05:27 PM
3

It would seem as if both of you are about the same asset-wise. She buys you out of the house or you sell and split the proceeds. I don’t see this as an alimony situation, but it is absolutely a child support situation. I have 50/50 but I still have to pay her support because I make a little bit more than her. You should use whatever formula your state uses based on your incomes. If “squeezing money out of her” is using the state guidelines for child support, then so be it. When I was going throu…
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/25 03:24 PM
7

I will have to respectively disagree with you. I think at least part of it is generational. My favorite part of visiting my in-laws was talking with my father-in-law. My father is no longer with us.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/25 03:09 AM
2

I would highly advise you start recording all interactions with her. It’s better to have and hopefully not need. Regarding the texts, look if a response is even needed. Her venting about how she feels and how you fucked everything up, etc. is irrelevant. Then when and if you find an actual question to answer, unless it’s urgent, sit on your response for a day. You don’t want your response to ever be emotional. The most important thing for me to learn was to respond and not react. This is probabl…
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/25 01:06 AM
3

I didn’t know my ex got remarried… Lawyer Record and don’t stop When she starts doing that shit, leave. Just go for a walk. Grey rock the shit out of her if you have to be around her.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/25 07:06 PM
1

Nothing is wrong with you. You are normal. The only questioning you should be doing is if you didn’t feel that way.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 07:29 PM
5

Yep
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 06:02 PM
3

Response — “ok” You don’t need someone in your life that can spout that much bullshit. Welcome to your new life.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 05:57 PM
6

Nice! Similar to her ask, my outcome and lawyer fees. You can always get money back, you can't get time with your kids back.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 02:06 AM
4

I took about 5 years off of my life doing a 6 month in-house separation. But now I am actually living.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 01:51 AM
1

All of my limited relationships happened when I wasn't looking for one. Ironic because I felt as though I was always looking for one. I wasn't against it, they just happened, life happened and I learned and moved on. Marriage, a child and an extremely shitty divorce definitely requires a lot more learning and moving on. Regardless, I did and I do. During that/this process, I asked myself....do I really NEED a partner? Just remember to do it for you, not because someone said you were supposed to.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 03:49 AM
14

If she did that shit to you, she will do that shit to him. Keep your blinders on when it comes to her and do your thing. The world is your oyster now, man. Shuck it up!
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 03:23 AM
11

Most likely for nefarious reasons based on how you've described your relationship with her (which sounds very much like mine). The career advancement/take you to court for more child support seems very plausible. And furthermore, what possible good can come from this if you accepted the request? That's what I would be asking myself.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 11:34 PM
6

I like this. Walk. When you think you’ve walked enough, walk more.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/25 10:26 PM
2

You are absolutely right. It's not good for your daughter at all. But, you're not letting it go, you're being honest with yourself and the fact that there's nothing you can do to control her or her behavior and stop ruminating about it so that you can preserve your own sanity. It's hard. I know. I'm sure she was insistent about lots of things when you started the divorce process. Unless they benefit her, I assure you all of those things are out the window.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/25 08:07 PM
2

I guess what I'm saying is that pretty much every interaction that I have (only via email) turns into some sort of conflict if I don't see, think or do things exactly the way that she does. I will never be a good father in her eyes. The whole point of going separate ways is to stop the bleeding and end the conflict. If it's affecting you negatively and affecting your emotions then it is most assuredly affecting your child as they will pick up on that. You absolutely need to coordinate with your …
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/25 07:14 PM
3

Give it a shot. But know that most couples go in there hoping that the therapist will take "their side" and want the other person to change. Usually by the time it gets to this point, it's too late anyway. You want someone who hasn't met either of you try to change who one or both of you are to make it work.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/25 06:53 PM
1

Everything that she does is to try to assert control. If you fall in line then everything will be fine. Until the goal post moves (which it will). The only winning move is not to play.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/25 12:59 PM
6

So...you can't stop this. I mean, I saw what mine did IN my presence so I cannot imagine what happens when I'm not around. She's going to do what she's going to do. You can try to show cause it, but you're probably just going to waste your time and money. Unless either of you do something completely and grossly negligent...repeatedly....you will be 50/50. I don't know your exact situation, but based on what you've said, she's not going to accept any blame and she will always be the victim. You a…
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/25 09:24 PM
1

Definitely not, but thanks for the downvotes. A question was asked and I gave an answer. Of course she fucking did.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/25 03:25 AM
3

And you will. Just give it time. Let all the feelings out though. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like screaming, scream. It’s all part of the process.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 03:40 PM
5

I spent about 2-3 months with an attorney that just seemed to want to “let it ride” Then I started looking on more local message board sites about attorneys. Saw a decent rec, paid for the consultation and was so upset I didn’t go to her to begin with. Also….get a female attorney. You and your male attorney are “ganging up on her” otherwise. Also, women know how women can be. They get it all. Dudes think they get it, but they really don’t.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 04:30 AM
17

How many of those couples do you think are truly happy? Like, not telling themselves they are even though they’re not because society decided to frown on divorced and single people? 50% of any of them that get or are married will eventually not be married. I’ve learned to embrace solitude. It can be kind of amazing.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 03:45 AM
1

Do you have an attorney yet? These are all things that should be going through attorneys. If you don’t have one, get one. Unless you have legal background in the family court system, you should not be talking directly to her attorney ever. Her attorney is going to ask for the fucking world. It’s all about how much they can get regardless of whether it’s “fair” or “normally granted”. It’s like when they ask for a record of every single text message that you sent to everyone ever in the past 5 yea…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 03:14 AM
-1

To answer your question in the purest fashion… No.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 03:08 AM
6

I mean….as a society we made up marriage. We also made up monogamy. What did we really expect?
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 09:53 PM
7

So it sounds like you feel like you need/want to date someone because your ex did? Don’t do that. Your goal is to simplify your life now, not make it more complicated and forcing something that seems like a lot of work for you. Focus on yourself and your daughter for right now. That’s how you move forward.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 09:49 PM
1

Ahhhh. The accusations. Are you still living in the same house together? That should all come out in the end. I would atart recording 24/7. It always amazes me how they can claim how afraid they are of you, but then they yell as if they are a dictator in a third world country. “I’m afraid of him” “Then why don’t you leave?” “i have to go to work (or the kids have to go to school….whatever)” “so going to work is more important than your physical safety? i thought this was a terrible monster that …
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/25 10:25 PM
1

Unless there are recent arrests, that angle probably won’t get you anywhere. What is her basis for obtaining sole custody? That’s pretty hard to do in any state now without some really, really damning evidence.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/25 05:57 PM
3

It doesn’t. You will spend more money on trying to prove she was a home wrecker from your lawsuit than you will get out of it. Just save your money and move on.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 11:42 PM
2

Much of this sounds familiar. Unfortunately it is too late now, you didn’t set the boundaries when you should have and here you are. The whole process you go through will be really shitty, but then one day you realize how free you are and how controlled you were. Just wait until you get to do whatever you want with your kids. That is the best. Although she should feel better, she won’t. She can’t elicit control over everything. She’ll try. That’s where your boundaries and grey rocking come in. I…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 01:59 AM
5

I looked outward, but realized my mistake was not looking inward. Why did I choose the person I did? Why did I not set boundaries? Why did I stay that long? Why did I ignore all of the red flags? That was on me and my unresolved issues. I think the nuclear family as we know it will die soon. We’ve outdone ourselves as a society and women don’t need men and men don’t need women except for procreation. How many couples are TRULY HAPPY when they are married? The percentage has to be in the single d…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 10:56 PM
1

Yes, nothing will come of that. So did mine. I’m sure she denies the recordings. I must have falsified those. Thousands of hours. You speak in truths and she speaks in excuses. The best is when you get to the point where you don’t care if everyone else knows the truth anyway. You do, and that’s all that matters.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/25 11:27 PM
3

This reminds me of why I am an atheist. Notwithstanding, even if I was to forgive her for her ridiculous accusations during the separation and divorce, she continues all of it post divorce. It is a game. The only winning option is not to play.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/25 08:31 PM
1

Four things that don’t exist… Santa Claus Easter Bunny Tooth Fairy Amicable Divorces I would love to continue my relationship with the in-laws but realize that is impossible. Everything you say (and don’t say) will be used against you for the rest of your life.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/25 06:12 PM
1

And…i say this with love….hopefully you don’t hit that cap after all the lies she makes up after you tell the truth.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/25 11:37 PM
2

I know what Texas says they recognize. Let me tell you how adultery plays out in the real world. It doesn’t. In any state….it will be a total non-issue other than why she wanted out of the marriage. Regardless of what the “laws” say. I could go into a story about my buddy whose wife cheated on him, had a kid with the other guy and he still ends up paying child support and alimony, but i digress….
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/25 11:25 PM
4

So what are you planning to accomplish? You say you are amicable now. Let’s keep it that way until it’s official at least (hopefully you can keep it that way permanently) I would say you need to accept the fact that she’s going to get dick from someone else, and it’s in your best interest(s) not to poke the bear given the way your genitalia factors into the family legal system. I will also say this. If you have the ability to expose her and you don’t (she’s always going to be paranoid and think …
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/25 11:13 PM
6

Sweet. You are right where you need to be.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/25 01:54 AM
5

Once you head to counseling, you’re already done. You’re both being your authentic selves and can’t stand each other. Then you go to someone who doesn’t even know either of you to change who one or both of you are to make everything better. I just can’t get down with it.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/25 01:46 AM
7

Those are my favorite. The good thing about minimizing contact with people like this in your life is that you don't even have to respond. Not this time. Not next time. Not ever. I'm sure you would be king asshole if you overstepped such a boundary with her. But you wouldn't, because why would you ever want to?
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/25 03:30 AM
3

Love this advice. Also know that they are always going to take her side. She could have blown half of your head off and there would be some justifiable reason. Why do you think you would you lose respect because you didn’t tell them? What you’ll learn throughout this process is that saying less is better….especially to someone supporting her. You have to stop caring about how she feels. She sure as fuck didn’t care about your feelings. What justice are you looking for? I don’t think you’re going…
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/25 12:09 AM
3

I rented a 2bd/2ba condo for a year (about 1200 sqft), as the money from our house was tied up and the mortgage was on my credit. I furnished it as I went. I incorporated most of what I had there into the house that I bought at the end of the lease. Had a house not been available, I would have stayed another year. If I had to do it again, I would totally do it this way. The fact that you don't have young children makes it even easier. I've also learned to live as minimally as I can (as much as o…
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/25 05:17 PM
16

Honest? Been living on my own for almost two years now. Haven’t even touched a woman in well over that. Have I been trying? No. Do I really want to try at this point? Not Really. If some hot woman showed up on my doorstep on the week my child wasn’t in my custody? I’d absolutely hit it. Is the ex banging some dude? God, I hope so and it will chill her the fuck out.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 07:14 PM
3

Wow. It’s like a parallel universe! But yea, went through the same thing and have the same sentiment. Your child one say…. “Why did you get divorced?” You… “Do you really want to know?” I really encourage people to record when it gets to this. My mantra is that if you aren’t doing anything wrong, there’s absolutely no reason you should have a problem with anyone recording you 24/7 anyway. She is probably going to resent you forever for protecting yourself and your child, and so be it.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 04:17 PM
6

Judges look at the recordings in two ways: You baited the other person to get the reaction you wanted and recorded them. You knew you were recording so you were on your best behavior and it’s not an actual representation of who you are or how you act. When I came to court with thousands of hours in recordings because i recorded every single interaction from start to finish for the entire separation period, the sheer duration made the above irrelevant.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 01:02 PM
8

So, yea, it seems that many of us were married to this woman. You know what’s way better than being married to that woman? Not being married to that woman. If not for yourself, get out of this marriage for your child. He will begin to normalize this behavior and probably already has to some degree. He will begin to think that relationships are supposed to be abusive and never learn to set proper boundaries. She thrives on conflict while you walk on eggshells. You’re hoping that it will get bette…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/25 09:45 PM
2

Was wondering the same. Mine used to yell at me for being too friendly with people and stood there with her RBF before our separation at our child’s events. All of a sudden she’s a suburban soccer mom that chats it up with everybody at our child’s events. She needs to keep up that image that she’s the better parent. And a victim. And so on. Let her do it. Will the other parents think she’s a better parent? Maybe…but who gives a shit? You know the parent that you are and need to be. You don’t nee…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 02:06 AM
2

Just some dude that is SPOT ON. “Coparenting” for her is doing whatever she says and wants. Everything you say can and will be used against you, so stop oversharing. Everything you don’t say (including the lies and alternate reality she makes up) will be used against you as well, but you can’t control that, so don’t worry about that. She’s not going to change. The courts can’t stop her from being an asshole. Nothing illegal about people being assholes. Anytime that the conversation erupts in con…
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/25 11:03 PM
3

Even if you had proof she slept with another dude, it will most likely mean nothing. What is your proof with the drugs? Unless you have arrests or something really concrete and repetitive, probably not going to amount to anything either. What is the proof that she cannot take care of your child? What is “heavy drinking” and what is your proof of that? I’m not trying to be a dick, it’s just that most of the stuff you are referencing is not really going to help you per se. I know dudes that got ch…
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/25 08:15 PM
3

Yes. Yes. Correct. Couldn’t have explained it better myself. I couldn’t either. You don’t need to suck anything up. You know what you need to do. It’s best for all of you.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/25 03:39 AM
6

The wound is always going to be there for her. You need to decide if you want to deal with that for the rest of your life or not. It’s just how it is at this point. Your relationship will never be where it was. If you can be amicable about its demise now, it will be much better than what happens later. You can’t live in the past or the future.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/25 03:07 AM
2

Mine tried this. A lot of them seem to try this. The problem for her becomes "why would you never say anything to anyone about it?" Are you recording yet? You should be if you're in a one party state. It can be proven pretty quickly that she's not afraid of you by the way she speaks (and/or yells) at you. In the mean time, the grey rock will be your friend and keep your kids away from the toxicity the best you can. But like the others have said, you need to file and PL exclusive use so you can g…
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/25 05:46 PM
1

Mine just decided to enroll without my consent, so watch out for that. For reasons below it would have been a waste of time and money to even try to fight it. I think that you (and your kids) are in pretty good shape. You not only own, but you own the former marital home in a neighborhood/school that the kids are already familiar with. I assume 10 miles is the same county? Based on what I was told, I don’t think any judge is going to want to adjudicate on the sole (or maybe any) basis that one s…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 03:47 AM
5

“Let’s X Dad out of our lives?” I know that one. And many more. The smile is to solicit a reaction, and you are doing a great job not obliging.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 12:01 AM
8

Still happens to me a year and a half later. I haven't even made eye contact with her since then, but still get all of these feelings. The worst is the nervous shits. I don't know your exact situation, but after what I went through, I want/need everything in writing. Depending on what trauma you went through (that she put you through or otherwise), it's going to take awhile. The alternative would be subjecting our child to a toxic household for the rest of their childhood. It's only a few times …
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 08:20 PM
3

Forget about the reason you’re not together anymore and try to set blame aside. You (and your ex and your kids) are better off now whether it seems like it now or not. Coming to terms with emotional bullshit/trauma from childhood is a big step forward. I don’t know your exact situation, but the decisions that you make (and don’t make) in life are subconsciously influenced by your childhood immensely. I think you’re taking all the right steps and it just takes time. Try to see the good in all of …
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 01:03 PM
1

Just remember that she’s the victim, it’s your fault and you must be punished. She’s not going to change the way she acts, but you can change the way you react.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 11:32 PM
2

There would have been no agreement because as soon as we started talking about it, she would just move the goal post. Her ultimate goal was (and still is) to be in constant conflict, she was just baiting me. We went to two different mediators. They basically told her that unless there was something grossly wrong with either parent that most courts around here are going to go 50/50. She didn’t like/believe that….so journal i kept, record i did and to trial we went.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 04:39 AM
2

So….you have a TCO for full sole custody? She doesn’t want to talk to you? This sounds awesome! I wouldn’t call that noney down the drain. Clearly if she kidnapped the kids then we know whose best interests she’s looking out for. You aren’t going to get anywhere talking to her anyway, unless “anywhere” is complete and utter frustration talking in circles.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/25 11:37 PM
4

You could, but it’s probably not worth it. Just more stuff to disagree about. The most important things to me were just a few things that my child would remember and make our new home comfortable and familiar. Say you both have attorneys and you’re paying 300/400 an hour….each. just two quick hours hours of them going back and forth puts you well into four figures about stuff that’s going to cost you four figures. It’s not about what’s right anymore, it’s about what makes sense.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/25 08:32 PM
3

If you end up in court and she is who you say she is, you will have no need. She will put in her own work, especially on the cross. Just be chill and let her lie. Let your lawyer do the work since you’re paying them anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/25 08:11 PM
5

This is the way!
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/25 03:30 PM
2

Funny, I don’t know how I got here either. But here I am. Sometimes life’s just wild, man.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 04:50 PM
4

No. No, no and no. I think MAYBE I could have gotten over the false mental/physical abuse and drug allegations during the divorce. And all of the attempts at alienation. Maybe. The post divorce sexual abuse allegations (and continuing bullshit) make this impossible.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/24 01:57 AM
2

Nothing. The answer to your last question is that you don’t. Your boys are more important than the money. You choose who you do and stay as long as you do based on your life experience(s). Even with less money, you will be happier. You may not think so in the beginning, but pretty sure you will get there.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 03:13 AM
6

No, but as I look at things now, that finalized divorce is a winning lottery ticket. You won your life back. Can’t put a price on that.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 01:26 AM
3

Agreed….as long as she doesn’t think that’s a rule. I’ve had “offers” as well, but I’m not going to shit where I eat. Most of them have had red flags anyway, and ignoring those is why I am where I am. So to answer your questions: Yes Almost You should always be glad if someone wants to jump your bones and pretty sure that would make you normal, not weird and with what you most likely went through you are just being cautious (subconscious or not) Remember that she was most likely ready to date ne…
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 01:18 AM
9

Like the others have said, you’ve got to just do your own thing. She is going to use the kids to continue to try control you. It’s textbook DARVO. She’s absolutely right, she does not have to tell you anything. But the same goes for you. “Coparenting” for her is doing everything that she wants to. I’d you disagree then you’re not “coparenting”. Your opinion is irrelevant. Just realize that hers is just as irrelevant. For my Christmas gift from my child this year, I was given a gift bag with a ho…
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/24 08:54 PM
1

I know of at least one.... I would say that this sub is very similar and as helpful, though
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/24 02:11 AM
6

I've embraced how beneficial alone time is. I've learned to use that time to build emotional intimacy with myself and work on that first. You're most likely trying too hard to be where you think you need to be rather than stepping back and taking a look at where you are.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/24 01:55 AM
1

If it is a toxic relationship and the kids are exposed to it, it doesn't matter how you get divorced, the cumulative impact of staying married will be far worse. In the meantime, don't engage and if things do get heated for whatever reason. Disengage and/or leave the room or the house until things have deescalated.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 08:31 PM
1

I agree with the others, as a blunt answer to your question...you don't. I usually ask myself...."What am I going to accomplish by doing this? What is the outcome going to be?" You are absolutely going to feed the beast and she will enjoy it. She just wants the attention and/or conflict. That's where she thrives. You need to morph the thinking of "biting your lip" into "more time to enjoy life"
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 07:33 PM
1

Stoicism and the art of Happiness
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 05:57 PM
1

Thirded
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 05:55 PM
1

It sounds like she is just trying to keep the kids from you because she knows it will hurt you. I would say that if you do not have a legal agreement yet, but if you have the opportunity, just take the kids and do whatever you want on the weekends. Pick them up from school before she does so as not to cause a confrontation in front of them. She can call the cops all she wants, but just because she is the mother does not mean that she automatically gets more access to the children than you. This …
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 05:13 PM
1

Know that it’s probably not going to get any better. No one’s situation is the same, but if she’s blowing you up like that then she’s probably just seeking attention and control, neither of which are possible anymore for her. The whole thing couldn’t possibly be her fault, so it has to be yours. Sounds like she’s not going to accept the fact that it just didn’t work out and that you both need to move on with your lives. Those issues from your marriage will never be resolved in her mind until you…
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/24 11:50 PM
1

I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it will get so much better. Even after everything was settled and i had my own place, etc., I still cried every night. Emotional wounds take a very long time to heal and unlike physical wounds, the progress isn’t always apparent. I don’t know your exact situation, but generally whatever you are going through really, really sucks right now. The end result is so much better for you, your STBX and most importantly your children. No one should live their life or f…
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/24 11:24 PM
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