TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

dasfoo Archive

View 5 posts and 65 comments by dasfoo on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
Search in:
In subreddits:
More
Filter by year/month:
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
2

I think a lot of factors came crashing together, but the essence is that she was an insecure 22 year old when we met and she wanted to get married and have kids. I was the lucky dope who showed interest, and she thought I would be a good dad, so she grabbed the opportunity. A few years in, she regretted her lack of other options, but stuck in for another 15+ years so she could secretly torture me with her growing loveless resentments.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 06:23 PM
3

The Match app.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 06:14 PM
3

I hinted at them today as they were relevant to the conversation. To be more confrontational about politics might suggest that I’m presuming intolerance on their part or daring them with it in some way.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 01:57 AM
3

Yep. Five years earlier I seriously considered divorce and played out the scenarios in my head. I decided that I couldn't do it to my kids or her or myself -- that whatever issues "we" had were fixable or more tolerable than destroying our lives. She made no such considerations. In retrospect, I can see she was trying to self-destruct her life a in a few different ways that I caught and mitigated (moving out of state, quitting her good job working for our friend), leaving her with only one final…
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 12:14 AM
5

My ex did the same thing. I came to bed a couple hours after her, laid my head on my pillow, and touched her arm. She said "I don't want to be married to you anymore." It took me a week to process, and then resist, and then another week to realize it was a lost cause, at which point I accelerated it to get out of there ASAP. It was easier for us probably, because all of our kids are older. She moved into the guest room and then we just mostly avoided each other for another six weeks until we fil…
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 12:06 AM
2

> She was not there in any way to fulfill my needs And when she did, because she had to do so to keep her needs met, she built resentment upon resentment. It's monstrous.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 10:19 PM
2

Yeah, the very idea of staying in a marriage with someone you barely like (apparently) for 25 years is absurd to me. Not only, how could a person do that to themselves, but how can they disassociate the fact that there's another human being involved who is being deceived for half of their life? It's sociopathic AND masochistic to a staggering degree. Whatever hell she lives in in her own mind doesn't need to be a part of my world for another second.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 10:16 PM
5

One mental shift that helped for me was realizing that I wasn't being hurt by the divorce, I was being hurt during the marriage. I didn't really know I was being hurt, but I was. It's a huge paradigm shift, but the divorce was a positive step toward belatedly ending what was hurting me.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 06:12 PM
12

You have a form of (or something similar to) Stockholm Syndrome: You have developed empathy for someone to whom you are simply an object to be manipulated for their gain. It may be hard, but it will feel healthy for you when you shut off that empathy and cut her out of your life. As soon as I realized that with my ex, it was very easy to make a clean break. For me, someone who was not very lucky in love prior to meeting her, one of the most attractive things about her was that she was -- or so I…
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 06:04 PM
10

I have wondered if when I start dating divorced women my age I will have too much empathy for their ex-husbands. If you treated a man who loved you like I treated my wife who divorced me, I would have second, third, fourth and fifth thoughts about validating you in any way.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 06:52 AM
11

No, but men are responsible for being aware of and handling the ugly impulses that come from our powerful hormones, and women should be just as aware of and responsible for theirs. In my case, I can’t say whether my ex’s menopause-life-crisis was the primary cause of our divorce or just what broke the dam and washed away her restraints. It doesn’t make any difference to me one way the other.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 06:46 AM
19

Perimenopause + Midlife Crisis. 400%.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 04:34 AM
2

When she stressed that the marriage couldn’t be saved, I could not get that thing off my finger fast enough. Our marriage didn’t deserve me.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/24 09:23 AM
2

I only proactively announced it to people who would be affected immediately: close family, and then the friends with whom we both socialized regularly. Otherwise, it gets broached as it comes up in conversation with those who are more peripheral. I don’t give any specific details, but I also don’t try to disguise what happened: my wife surprised me with a request for divorce that I did not see coming and with which I did not agree. If that doesn’t suffice, I will add: Once she expressed that cou…
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 10:47 PM
5

I had lunch earlier this week with a friend who I don't see often. I told him the story of my whirlwind divorce --which happened in its entirety between us getting back in touch a few months ago and finally scheduling a lunch. He told me that he knows of two other guys in situations very similar to mine who have relocated to Thailand for precisely this reason. Both were going for post-divorce no-strings-sex vacations that became permanent relocations just because they like the women there so muc…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 08:21 PM
2

You do you, but any female dating profile I look at which evinces any kind of social media savvy at selfie-taking or look-curating is huge NO for me. I don't understand why any man would want to be involved with any woman who has devoted so much time to cultivating her online presence. You will always be in a relationship with her audience, and will always come second to that group of drooling strangers, if not farther back in the queue. And she will try to cultivate you into something fake for …
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 06:54 PM
12

To be fair, economics also used to be a major incentive for western women — that’s the dynamic upon which the more “traditional” relationships that many of us yearn for was based. A woman’s well-being was centered around picking a good husband and taking care of him.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 04:02 PM
3

A picked up a time-consuming hobby about 10 years ago, partly as diversion from frustrations with my marriage. I wondered if it was a coincidence that my recent D-Day happened during the one month of every year during which I devote more time to it than usual. But, like you, post-divorce my interest in it has sagged. I haven’t worked out if there’s a direct causality or if I’m just temporarily distracted, but the correlation has not been lost on me.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 10:38 PM
3

I realize I am fortunate that she was not trying to inflict further pain with any difficult demands. She wanted it over and made it as easy as possible for me in the divorce/custody agreement. It still sucked royally, so I can’t even imagine what some of you have had to through with your contentious litigation. But it’s been a shock to the system, for sure, for it all to happen in less than 8 weeks.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 05:16 PM
4

It took about two weeks from her announcement and explanation of why she wanted a divorce for me to realize she had zero respect for me and that counseling — which I initially wanted — was pointless, at which point I wanted it over with ASAP. Her initial idea was that we keep it secret until the new year, but that limbo would’ve been torture for me.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 05:11 PM
19

Amen. This is what my wife pulled. I did not let her enjoy any of that fantasy. I stopped doing the chores I usually do -- she doesn't want me here, so, logically, she must want to do those chores -- and while I am civil with her about logistical matters, I do not hide my feelings about her and express them frankly. In the next week or so our papers will be filed and I will move out, after which point she is dead to me except for when we need to coordinate for the kids. She does not want me in h…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 07:14 AM
2

Sure, if you're trying to woo a woman, feed them whatever bullshit you think they want to hear. But this question wasn't exclusive to trying to get laid. I tell our friends and family, when they ask, that she's a faithless quitter who never wanted us to succeed, because it's true.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 03:27 AM
3

I disagree with the framing as mutual, if it wasn't. That's what my wife wants people to think: "We grew apart." The truth in my case is that she wanted us to grow apart, got annoyed when I tried to get closer, and would not work on her feelings that we should grow apart. I tell people we had some common issues and tried to work on them for years, but she never really worked at it because she didn't really want to fix it, so it was a lopsided and losing battle. She gave up pretending that she wa…
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 09:52 PM
13

Same here, but not as bad as you -- she put in some effort every few months to build up extra resentment towards me -- and the funny thing is, this is both extremely embarrassing to admit and yet also exceedingly common. It's like admitting that you shit or jerk off: everyone does it and no one wants to talk about it. A lot of women become frigid at some point, feelings that are maybe exclusive to their husband, and are OK with it. They will blame you for wanting to maintain a physical relations…
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 09:45 PM
4

We're mid-divorce and my wife seems insistent on hosting, as we usually do. I've told her I won't be there. I have some offers to hang out with friends and/or my family (who presumably won't be attending if I'm not there). If all goes well, I will be moving out the weekend before. If this casts a pall over the Thanksgiving at my current house, and it should, I hope she feels it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 04:29 AM
-1

I also have some anxiety about this for when it eventually happens. Does she know your situation/the context of this encounter, and is she sympathetic to it? This may not be the type of turn-on an alpha male might provide, but women also like to fix broken men, so maybe approaching her with complete honesty can take the pressure off: "I'm essentially new at this after years of neglect, so this might suck for both of us, but it will get better and I will make sure you're satisfied even if it take…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 03:46 PM
2

> could post partum depression be at play? Encourage marriage counseling Not the OP, but I am almost certain now that it was some form of post-partum depression or something like it after the birth of our second child 18 years ago when our problems started leading to our current divorce. I wish I had been aware enough to have insisted on marriage counseling at the time rather than trying to "fix" her distance myself. I think I would almost recommend that all couples get counseling during the 6-1…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 03:33 PM
1

> We had just moved into a house, but it’s a lease. A 2 year lease… Why she would allow that if she was apparently so close to leaving me for so long is beyond me but that’s a different story. My wife almost did this to me. We seriously considered moving to a different state a few years ago, at her urging. I eventually resisted because we have family and good friends where we live now, and the business I own has been thriving as a locally focused service. If we moved we would only have each othe…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 03:29 PM
2

She wanted the divorce. Its in her interest that it happens smoothly and quickly. The only money is in the house, of which we each own half. She can’t afford to stay in the house by herself, and any damage to the house cuts into both of our shares. She also not the type to break things / throw tantrums. I can borrow money from my dad against the future sale of our house, if needed, but the divorce agreement is that once I move out she is solely responsible for the house payments. She can’t susta…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 08:21 AM
1

She was married once, but only for about seven years. She's been single since then, with two now-adult children from that marriage. I'm in my early 50s.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 03:56 AM
2

Her words: "I'm tired and done." Which is weird, because I'm probably the lowest maintenance person on the planet. I am largely self-amused. I can cook, I do the dishes, I do my own laundry. I'm self employed and could spend all day on work+hobbies, but I take breaks to spend time with her (apparently the worst parts of her day). The only thing I ask of her is affection, which is a bridge too far. I now realize that she checked out almost 2 decades ago and has been building up resentment since t…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 03:04 AM
4

I've accepted it. Some things she said when I was trying to steer her toward counseling were so direspectful and contemptuous of our 25 years together, I don't know how I could take her back if she begged me (she won't; she despises me even if she doesn't think of it That way). Now I try to focus on what I need to do: stay social with my friends, work out (15 of 25 lbs left to lose), and find out where I'm going to be living. I have bad days when I dwell on the rage I feel, but I'm generally a p…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 02:53 AM
2

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1g4t8tx/what_to_say_about_your_divorce/
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 02:35 AM
1

I have been considering a verrrrry sloooowwww move. I also work at home, so I could move my office first, gradually taking other things over, and then my bed last, over the course of a couple of weeks.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 02:27 AM
6

Even though we are filing our papers next week, and I’m still living in the house (creating so much tension she’s having to stay at a friend’s this weekend), she is insisting that we host Thanksgiving this year for our families like we always do. 30-ish people. I told her I won’t be there and she was shocked. I have a few invitations and I might go to one for dinner and another for dessert. It blows my mind that she insists she needs me out of her life and is then bewildered when I take her seri…
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/24 05:48 PM
3

This is just me. It might be different for you. Sounds like what I noticed in my wife 18 years ago. It never got better -- because she silently decided then that she never wanted it to get better and did no work on it -- and now we're getting divorced. IDK if I would have preferred getting divorced back then. I at least wish that she had been more honest with me back then so I would've been operating with full information. I might have stayed for the kids, but I also wouldn't have been fooled in…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 07:54 AM
1

Wyld elderberry has worked for me under similar circumstances. I do feel a bit foggy the next day, though, so I don’t do it if I have to be somewhere in the morning. Helps that I work from home.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 04:59 PM
4

My stbx likes to say it’s because of “a lot of little things.” I think that’s wrong. Little things are manageable. It’s always a big thing, like not caring enough to work on the little things.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 03:52 PM
13

Some of those things have been around for years. Yes, she put up a wall, stopped enjoying the things we did together, found fault in everything I did, and didn't like it when I touched her -- and then blamed me for being withdrawn. Like I can't read the room? Truthfully, she wanted me to be withdrawn, and the problems would get worse if I would try to get closer to her. At some point in her mind, she decided I was the lowest priority, there was no work worth addressing the lowest priority, and e…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 09:10 PM
2

Oof. So sorry about that double-loss in such a short span.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 09:00 PM
8

I'm dreading this. Just over a week ago, I thought we could save the marriage, but she's been like a suicide bomber ever since demanding a divorce. I feel like she has done so much damage in the last 10 days that I can never trust her again. I still yearn for turning back the clock three weeks and going back to normal. Today a mutual friend told me not to give up and to fight for her. I'd like to have that sense of hope, but whatever I'd be fighting for is not what I thought we had but a heap of…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 07:45 PM
0

How do the fights start? Is it his overreactions that blow up minor arguments? Something is triggering him; maybe the fight triggers him? Did his parents fighting cause him emotional trauma and now he sees himself caught in the same dynamic?
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 04:02 AM
1

Could the depression play a stealth role in precipitating the fight, but you only notice it during the aftermath?
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 03:48 AM
2

Sounds like clinical depression. It isn't always present, could be manic. He needs treatment.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 01:46 AM
13

I’m struggling with this right now as someone who is just starting to go through the trauma of divorce with a woman who, up until about three weeks ago, I thought loved me deep down and wanted to work through what I thought were some pretty cliche and manageable banal surface issues. As I contemplate going back into dating for the first time in 27 years (married her for 25 years after dating for two), the thought struck me that it’s likely I will be dating divorced women who did to the their hus…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 03:02 PM
1

I asked my STBX who she had talked to about our marriage issues prior to asking for divorce, so I would know if our common friends knew private things. She told me the two people she talked to about it, and they were the only two people in her life who would not challenge her on it. She sought out the advice she wanted. If she had called her sister or a couple of other friends they all would have stressed the need for counseling and communication.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 12:18 AM
4

Yep. Very similar to me (the OP; my case is far less dramatic than yours). The way I see it there were three switches that flipped in my STBX: The first switch is the originating cause of all the underlying problems. In my scenario, I'm pretty sure it happened 17-18 years ago, shortly after the birth of our son. It's the first time I noticed a change in her demeanor toward me, and I tried off-and-on for the next two decades to fix it. Little did I know, from that point she did not want to fix it…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/24 11:29 PM
1

I thought there was 2-way love underneath the intimacy dysfunction. I learned this week that there was intimacy dysfunction because there was never reciprocal love.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 12:04 PM
1

A good portion of those decades involved me trying to find ways to conquer her sexual disinterest that was eating away at our emotional connection. Turns out it was always emotional disinterest at the core. The only nice thing she has said to me since asking for divorce is that I was a good coparent. That’s been the totality of my worth to her. I wanted really one thing from marriage: an emotional affectionate relationship; and it’s the one thing she was never interested in providing.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 11:55 AM
4

Very similar situation here except our kids are nearly all grown. AFAIKnew she was frigid, suffering from hormonal changes brought on by pregnancy/motherhood and that it was my job to faithfully struggle with the lack of a physical relationship. I knew she loved me but that part was broken. Turns out, maybe she was just indifferent to me but found me useful as a sperm donor and co-parent until the kids were mostly self-sufficient. The idea of her wanting to have sex with someone else is a killer…
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 11:47 AM
1

First she asked for divorce, and then after about a week of processing it, I suggested counseling, and she agreed to try it. I found one I thought she would like, but my STBX said she couldn't start until November due to her work schedule, which was a little dispiriting. In a discussion later that day, she revealed that she wasn't open to changing her mind or working on our issues; that the therapist, in her mind, was to help me get used to the idea of divorce -- and then she dropped that she pr…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 06:17 PM
1

We haven’t started couple sessions. My STBX has never spoken to her. We were going to start in November, but it has since been expressed to me that our marriage is a lost cause, period, so I am going see the therapist as an individual rather than as a couple.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 02:25 PM
1

The marriage counselor I had lined up for us is going to see me as an individual instead. It starts Tuesday.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 01:00 PM
1

Why not both? :) In the last week I have been working out almost every day, but also drank quite a bit Tuesday as I told a friend about all of this at a whiskey bar. My day is busy half-working and half-dealing with deadening divorce shit. I don’t do any drugs, but considered getting hold of some kind of gummies earlier when I started to feel a panic attack coming on. I have a dumb hobby that culminates every October when it gets very time consuming and I had to nuke it last night because of the…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 12:58 PM
2

I will be easier in a way in a few days. We’re telling the kids tonight — it’s going to be brutal; we’re the happy intact family — and then we can start letting everyone else know what’s happening and most of them will be shocked and supportive. The last two weeks has been like living inside a horrible secret.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 10:16 AM
1

Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 10:12 AM
2

My vas has already been ectomied after kid #3, so one step ahead. Thank you for the useful advice!
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 12:27 PM
1

Similar age, and terrified of dating again. Please share tips & tricks! :)
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 08:59 AM
1

I think it’s enlightening to read some of the divorce-related comments in the menopause sub. It sounds like a lot of women who maybe had hormone imbalances to begin with can get smacked by a hormone shift during perimenopause that completely obliterates their feelings of affection for the man in their life. There are tons of comments from women saying, “my husband was a good man, I just couldn’t stand to have him anywhere near me, everything he said and did was like fingernail on a chalkboard.” …
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 06:28 AM
3

The way my marriage has dissolved slowly over the last 15 years (if not longer), I feel 14 years past this advice already. Yes, the hurt of finally ending is tough, but the next step has been banging me in the shins forever already. My kids -- who are almost all grown -- don't need to know anything other than it's important to be able to move on from a rough situation rather than to wallow in it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 08:57 PM
2

House equity far exceeds paltry retirement accounts. Her family doesn't have money, but it has crossed my mind that my dad would be able to buy her half of the house so that she can go elsewhere, but he can be a hard sell.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 08:46 PM
1

Yes, and well covered in Breaking Bad.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 10:04 PM
1

No, the house is the main asset. As for the kids, I glossed over the details in the OP: we have a younger one with a few years of high school left and then probably a couple years of figuring shit out. Of the two older kids, both out of high school, one is out and one is looking for a job that will enable him to move out. I guess waiting 5 years was too long for my wife. I would’ve held out, personally. I’m stubborn.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 11:07 AM
3

I get the cynicism and I'm aware of the pitfalls. My sense is that she has not really thought through anything yet and just blurted out an idea that struck her during a pre-menopausal hormone deficit. I did a lot of 'considering divorce' about 5 years ago and came to the conclusion that it would be far more painful and financially difficult than any benefit I would derive from it, so I tried some other tactics (personal distractions, a lot of Covid lockdown drinking, thinking about moving across…
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 07:04 AM
1

It seems like it should be possible for one of us to use their equity in the house to buy out the other party, but I’m a dummy about these things. There’s also a slim possibility we can talk my dad into buying her half of the house from her, but we have not broken the news to anyone yet and that’s not a conversation I am anxious to have.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 06:32 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2026. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter