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digcycle Archive

View 0 posts and 177 comments by digcycle on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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3

Agreed. You’ll likely get a more reasonable settlement position just before trial. It’s unfortunate but sometimes it takes an imminent trial hearing for them to come to their senses and settle at 50/50. Avoid moving out before you get a settlement agreement as that hurts your bargaining position. You sound like you can easily document your involvement in raising the kids and she will also know that for trial and you should be in a good position. Start documenting all of that history. Even though…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 11:13 PM
1

I’ve been there and consider making your motto/daily mantra “stay calm and win your divorce.” That’s mine. It’s not fair that you will not get justice for her lies. Your goal is simply to win and get away from her and move on to live your best life. You will vigorously defend against her accusations for pfa but for divorce consider what gets you away as quickly as possible, not what punishes her for her bad choices. I know I won’t get justice for the 2 failed attempts against me. Winning your di…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/26 01:26 PM
2

I think the play is spend your line of credit it joint funds balance on a lawyer retainer 5-10k. You get reimbursed whatever you don’t use with your lawyer but you will probably use a good portion of it at a minimum. Better to have a fully paid lawyer than run out when you really need them. It’s a valid expense and they can complain all they want that they didn’t authorize it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 10:00 PM
6

It’s very scary and you will feel alone on an island in experiencing this but it can be beat but it’s a long game of endurance. You do it because you are fighting for your kids and your reputation even if it doesn’t seem like a fair fight. The good news is you weren’t kicked out and you get to stay on the family house. furnish the house again if you can. I recommend changing the locks and security codes and make sure she can’t come back or move back in. Overall, your high level strategy should b…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 10:49 AM
1

In most states, you can have a forensic accountant or AI chat bot write you a non marital tracing memo based on bank statements etc and that shows you used inheritance like funds for the purchase and where they came from. The problem is that Illinois courts often treat that contribution as donative intent if jointly titled, meaning a gift to the marital estate (cough, b.s.). Since you aren’t jointly titled that does not appear to show donative intent so you seem like you have a better chance tha…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 12:39 AM
3

Accept that it’s extremely uncomfortable( I’ve been there) and there is little to do about it besides setting (and reinforcing/holding) your boundaries on communication/ interaction with the ex. You’ll need to calmly remind them of boundaries 20x before they get you’re not going to be baited or talk in person with them. I’ve had to lock doors, leave room, leave house to reinforce my boundaries that I won’t accept abuse/ verbal conversations. Think about your long term goal and how staying may he…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 12:11 PM
1

Think of her draft of the parenting plan as you getting so many bites off the apple before you get to the core. She might not want to go back and forth forever. My attorney wanted to make as few changes to my exes draft as possible to avoid making it look like I want big dramatic changes. You can modify terms but think about doing it with as few word changes as possible to make them look minor. Pick your battles. Mine wanted no disparaging others religion. OK so what if it gets us across finish …
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/26 12:10 AM
1

Also, even in non high conflict divorces, many might want to appear to be the source of the ideas to validate that they made the suggestion. The other thing you keep in mind is making them feel they won. You might for example say you want something you really don’t want (or don’t care about), then concede it in negotiation and make them feel they won when you really wanted your 5 other additions they ignored. My recommendation is to not feel bad that she didn’t choose your document but that she …
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 11:39 AM
1

Too early to tell. I recently filed after many failed settlement attempts. Ex wouldn’t agree to a pure 50/50 parenting plan. Custody was disputed early on and way more contentious than preferred but my unyielding fight for 50/50 has paid off and she’s conceded. Property division should be similar as with a prenup because I had properties appraised at the time of marriage. Appraisals of assets at marriage is a good backup to a prenup to confirm the non marital assets brought to the marriage and c…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/26 06:52 PM
2

Great attitude and nice job fighting your way back toward 50/50. Fellow silver bullet survivor and Rooting for you!
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/26 03:22 PM
1

Sign up for Mail forwarding with USPS to your parents ASAP. Deal with changing the billing stuff later. Seems like you have your priorities wrong. Why hasn’t your lawyer advised you to file first and finalize divorce? You can also do mediation and possibly get it done uncontested relatively quickly. But buying a house instead? I don’t get it. Are you expecting to each have funds and you’ll be taking the equity in your new house in lieu of taking additional funds from her? I would focus on your d…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/26 02:53 PM
3

It’s my preference that we follow the court orders for the assumption of the mortgage. I think we agree that we want to finalize all of the details in the court orders without incurring additional cost of getting lawyers involved. Would you prefer to work together on this or shall I engage with your lawyer to obtain these remaining requested documents? Please let me know by end of day Friday. Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/26 10:40 AM
2

I don’t have any state specific experience and not a lawyer but recommend using chat bot to help you generate visual monthly calendar on each page showing your agreement days overlaid with your actual parenting days utilized and the monthly parent days plus percentage and total monthly parenting days plus percentage over a timeline you think appropriate. Or skip the overlay and just show actual parenting days. I think demonstrating actual status quo since separation should be most effective for …
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/26 02:51 PM
4

Mine was adamant against getting one even after I engaged a lawyer to begin that process. She assured me she’d never leave me as long as I was loyal. I was loyal but she did not hold up her end of the agreement and wanted out. I should have gotten one and been willing to walk away from the engagement if she wouldn’t agree to it. It could have saved me lots of legal fees by forcing us to have a civil pre negotiated approach to separation. It’s not only about protecting your assets but also how yo…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/26 02:00 PM
6

Casinos are key red flags for marital dissipation. Remember discovery will look back at bank statements 6 months or possibly more before filing to look for unscrupulous spending. But go get a steak dinner and do the home improvements or spa days and any other self care. Consider doing proactive maintenance on the car (tires, brakes).
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/26 05:31 PM
5

One theory is She’s out partying with him and asking to use his phone to snoop. If it’s just him, you don’t owe anyone an explanation or to fight her false narratives. Stick with your no contact and use that incident in your divorce to show you are afraid of her and she is not safe around the kids, then make her settle on your ideal terms and get out rather than prolong the divorce. She would use that against you if you were in her shoes. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/26 12:07 PM
1

There is no closure with confrontation. She’ll only gaslight you and insult you to make herself feel better and justify her decisions. You won’t feel better and she also won’t feel better. You’ll never get the authentic reason or apology you want to have for your closure purposes. The best thing to do is write your confrontation letter and add all of feelings in there that you would have said if you were with her in person then just file it away in your computer as a draft word doc. That’s more …
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 12:07 PM
1

I agree with this love bombing take. Going all out on dates and fancy getaways seem ephemeral and won’t prove your worth to her. If OP is looking for looking solutions, I would instead suggest couples counseling to hear her real thoughts on your relationship in a structured setting and talk through those and see if things are still viable. This is how you find real answers besides throwing darts on the wall with all out romantic attention.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/26 10:00 AM
4

I can relate to the routing minor co-parenting disagreements through attorneys like she can afford to pay the highest hourly rate personal assistant to draft email complaints for the rest of the kids childhood. You know what else would help with disagreements?, a fully signed parenting plan that could have been done on day one. Stay strong and get those kids back!
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/26 11:34 AM
12

The mental health issues you mentioned have no bearing on the case outcome and were just petty private issues that she chose to use to poke at your insecurities. Millions of Americans and dudes in this sub have tried antidepressants to cope with really hard circumstances. That’s not a failure, that’s getting help when you are having a tough time. You don’t owe anyone an explanation ever, including her. Focus on being proud of the life you provided your kids and the built in “nanny” that you fund…
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/26 10:36 AM
1

Right now you only have her gaslighting and biased opinion of yourself in your head and you are letting yourself believe it. Try to change that voice in your head to reflect reality. Get a therapist if possible and work on that with them. If you can’t do that, I suggest you call a domestic abuse crisis hotline and talk to them for emotional support. You are a victim of her abuse and tactics and deserve help just to talk with someone and vent. You are dad and that is good enough. My mantra that I…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/26 04:07 PM
2

It’s normal for families with parents working full time to require child support like school after care/ before care. You are allowed to use school/camp after care options, nanny, or family members without feeling shame or any disadvantage from a custody perspective. Note that an example 50/50 can be 2-2-5 schedule where one parent gets Mon Tues, other Weds Thurs and then alternate Friday-Sunday weekends. So you can choose your custody days on those that you work from home and might not be in su…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/26 07:02 PM
2

Don’t post any more details here, this is discoverable. Get that letter to your attorney now, it directly undercuts her timeline. The fact this surfaced right after the custody petition isn’t lost on judges, retaliatory allegations after filing are a recognized pattern. But stop characterizing anything as ‘self defense’ or true in any way until your attorney has walked you through it. Talk to your lawyer before you say anything else, anywhere.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/26 06:43 PM
2

Apologizing validates her behavior and gives her reason to continue in the future. It seems like a good idea in the short term to get her to stop riding you but it hurts you long term. Setting boundaries like I will not let you talk to me like that or leave the room/house if she does not stop is more effective. Consider she also wants you to move out and this might be a campaign to get you to do that. Also check out this book that has techniques you can use with your stbx as you navigate having …
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/26 11:21 AM
3

The longer you give her space to avoid having to make hard decisions, the less likely she is to come to the table quickly to resolve. Yes, living together is extremely hard but also you’re staying put so you can get the best custody agreement and parenting plan possible and wrapping this up. If you moved out, you know she would ask for you to pay for her housing costs, ask for full custody and then exclusive use of the house. You want to get those terms mapped out and signed before you agree to …
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/26 07:53 PM
1

Yes. I had this experience and I suspect she has borderline personality or other high conflict personality traits. The splitting you as all bad or all good and doing false allegations is a good sign she is a high conflict personality. The love bombing might be what you are seeing as she is fearing abandonment and regretting her prior choices and just trying to prolong the attachment. It’s not for your benefit, it’s for hers. Pay no mind to her apparent change of heart. It’s not genuine. Stop wal…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 08:23 PM
9

Document the damage to the door frame and showing that the damage was inward where you were trying to retreat to your bedroom where you keep your clothes and sleep during the separation. Be prepared to call her mom as a witness. You can still go to Court House on Monday and request a protective order to have her removed from the house. This is just a civil order and doesn’t get her in trouble criminally. You don’t need to have a police report to kick off that process. You don’t have to be forced…
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/26 11:47 AM
1

The size of your new place doesn’t matter as much as getting agreement on your terms before you choose to move out. You can make and sign a parenting and custody plan before you or she moves out. That’s the best plan because you don’t have to be worried about what she will consider after you leave. Further, I agree that keeping the house is the best play if finances allow. Don’t worry about being kind or deferential to your ex. That relationship is over. Further, you’re protecting your future wi…
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 01:34 PM
2

I did misread that but then I also saw the way she is alienating you by saying that daddy left mommy and clearly feeling abandoned instead of acting appropriate and say you two have adult problems and decided to live apart. Bpd folks have major anxiety and fear of abandonment. Maybe page through the chapters and see if the behavior resonates.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 03:10 PM
1

Stop walking on eggshells is a good book to learn more about your stbx’s borderline personality or simply high conflict personality disorder. There is a copy posted here: https://www.friendlysolutionstherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/book-4.pdf There is also a weekly virtual support group for partners of bpd people that you can join here: https://groups.io/g/MovingForward (Zoom link can be found in the calendar section after being approved for email subscription) The author also wrote the b…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 01:48 PM
4

I’m totally with you on wanting to avoid conflict. But know that some ex partners bank on their exes being worn down or will act high conflict regardless of whether they are paying child support or not. So avoidance might work in marriage but reconsider it for divorce. At the very least don’t give her concessions unless she gives you something in return. Otherwise your concession is just to avoid conflict and that’s not looking after yourself. I’m going through it and I know that regardless of t…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 11:17 PM
5

That could be leverage you know. You can reopen child support negotiation and say you will take that off the table again in exchange for her paying her fair share. Use all bargaining chips to get this locked down. You need to show her that the consequence of fighting this will put her in an even worse position. She’ll pay at least 10k fighting not to pay for 13k plus she’ll then owe child support for x years on top. Your carrot of passivity was not working so stick it is.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 10:57 PM
2

Are you sure the court order is for her to move out, not a specific place to move? I don’t know if they will care where she ends up as long as the place is habitable for the kids. I don’t think they will see the location being as important as the moving out of the marital home on the promised deadline which she did. Yes there is an emotional impact on you and the kids but dating or moving in with someone is usually a morality clause issue and rarely enforced by courts even if you did have specif…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 03:09 PM
2

But can you prove that she’s an inherent danger to the kids? Moving in with another dude Is bout something the court cares about unless he’s a felon or danger to the kids. A GAL won’t give you justice you think you deserve just because she’s acting selfish. If you can prove you have a greater schedule with the kids and that she is not exercising her schedule, then that’s something you can go off.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 02:16 PM
1

Congrats on preempting her silver bullet! Sorry you are still at it but glad it’s over a day of the week for her supervised visits rather than her doing so from a position of leverage / advantage. You need stability and consistent time of day for the kids so your truth should prevail.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 01:30 PM
2

I only want to recommend two books you should read as you navigate the current relationship and future ones. You need to learn more about bpd to help give you techniques and mental fortitude to deal with divorce. For example, if you think she is difficult now, just imagine she will be with the stress and escalation of emotions with divorce. Bpd folks primary fear and anxiety is abandonment so they will go into a super irrational mode in divorce. “Splitting” covers Bpd and other high conflict peo…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 12:05 PM
6

It’s very common for the best deal making to occur right before trial. Yes it sucks she didn’t compromise a year ago but now you have the leverage of a deadline. You are free to start trading your offers and see which you might accept. Do you legally owe spousal support or is it just an ask? If not say no. And then do 50/50 on the property and see what they say? I would pretend like the personal property is a bargaining chip but be prepared to give it away in exchange for what you really want. D…
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/26 06:46 PM
4

You got this! Idea. Use ai Chatbot to create x year old friendly meal ideas with quick prep and few ingredients for x nights and this will generate shopping list based on the proposed meals and recipe for each meal. Involve them in dinner prep and make them your sous chef. Create your own special menu for dad’s house that he looks forward to. Anything else you aren’t comfortable with use the chat bot for inspiration. Over time you will become more comfortable being a kick ass single dad.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/26 04:19 PM
1

Only make concessions in exchange for another concession on her side. Don’t make concessions before you even enter mediation. For example, start with equal decision making period full stop. Then equal decision making and tiebreaker goes to designated expert applicable to the topic. Then come up with list of experts you would consult. Maybe you would consider tie breaking for ex as a last resort for a concession on her side. This way you can end up with 50/50 by stepping down from the very beginn…
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 08:16 PM
2

This article explains it well: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/reel-therapy/201403/the-temporary-psychosis-divorce
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 02:41 PM
4

Knowing the law and following the law are two different things. She is human too and can be victim to divorce psychosis. She’s being guided by her emotional facts and the logical brain is not always in charge. So now you expect the unreasonable and will act accordingly. You may need to wait until closer to trial for her to show reasonable demands. Right after discovery many are still in the I want everything mentality and think they have the leverage or can still demand those things to avoid tri…
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 02:12 PM
1

I second 2-2-5. The constantly changing days of the week would be hard on me to track and the kids don’t have predictability as well. She’s already showing conflict with this schedule perhaps intentionally. When you go to temporary hearing or are in settlement, push for 2-2-5. And push for school exchanges so you don’t have to interact. Push for parenting app communication only and only text or phone for emergency. She’s pretending to play hardball by communicating through her lawyer only but th…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/26 10:15 PM
5

That’s some mental gymnastics to say the dog was your idea but is now in her possession and oh by the way is also our son’s dog so you need to continue to support it. Do you know what also was a joint commitment and was broken? Marriage. She’s applying marriage commitments to post-marriage life which she’ll learn soon. Good opportunity to draw boundaries at this point.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/26 10:37 AM
2

I can’t DM you. Feel free to DM me to talk further.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 06:54 PM
1

I would start documenting all of these patterns of denied access and providing the examples and full evidence to the gal. No one has access to these better than you can. You have 6 hours but are they specified further? Of course she wants a supervisor that would write positive things about you to be removed. That would make it harder for her to justify how terrible you are. Document that and just make the new one also like you and see how well you work with the kids. Can you focus on a few speci…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 05:27 PM
5

I got that same flooding of emotional reasons why she was leaving and think that they reach back into their memory bank and look for all of the negative memories to justify an irrational decision they already made in the present. It’s just gaslighting but also to make themselves feel better about leaving. It’s a strange way to self sooth.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 11:15 AM
3

Denial, shame, an unwavering sense of loyalty come to mind on reasons why many don’t do it sooner. Many think about the commitments made and think things will get better or this is just the hard season with young kids and supposed to be hard. The wife doesn’t always see the season being hard but might wrongly pinpoint the husband as the target of blame or abandon during a tough period.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 10:58 AM
10

This YouTube video by Gregory adams on the marriage wheel has a plausible perspective on why women leave. I think the suggestion is that women treat marriage like a business for men to give them support and babies and when the guy no longer suits them or has given them those things, they terminate the business. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_yB-ixMQzJk
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 10:50 AM
7

Sorry for your tough news. You seem to be accepting the inevitability of the divorce and not trying to bargain with her or salvage the marriage so that’s a positive start since you want to avoid those things. I recommend you consult with an attorney and start taking those plans seriously. She seems to be trying to time the divorce around her schedule, but guess what, she doesn’t want to be married anymore so she’s not in charge of the family timeline. The divorce is not a family cruise she gets …
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 10:37 AM
1

Don’t do it because you think it’s going to make you more desirable or because a prospective gf will want your babies. That’s making yet another decision for someone else and not your own priorities. Consider that being sterilized is a convenient excuse to tell prospects to avoid being pulled into yet another relationship where they just want your kids and then potentially emotionally discard you later. Now all prospects have to want a relationship with you and not seeking a business arrangement…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 01:44 PM
2

I agree with everything here. Lawyer consultation is free and you should interview several and ask lots of questions. Ask if you can file and request suit money from your ex to pay your fees. If your lawyer says it’s possible, put the retainer on a credit card And then pay it off when you get your suit money. Use your exes health insurance to start therapy. You shouldn’t do this on your own. Psychology today has a database of therapists that you can filter by insurance accepted or you can call h…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 01:05 PM
2

Stay the course. Just because she wants you out in 30 days doesn’t mean that’s your problem to solve for her. Propose mediation to get settlement discussions started that may include “someone” moving out. Staying put is your leverage. If not willing to do mediation as part of an uncontested divorce, you proceed with lawyer consultations to discuss your options. I wouldn’t agree to anything without it being part of a bigger written agreement covering other terms. What’s your current plan out of c…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 12:11 PM
5

What country? Check if they have mental heath abuse crisis lines to talk to someone anonymously. In the United States each state has an abuse crisis line and you can talk to them as long as you like. You are being emotionally abused and qualify as if you were physically abused. You can call different states and just say you are from the state. Hope you find the help you need!!!
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 05:32 PM
2

I suggest staying in the house, filing first and protecting yourself in the house. This will protect your custody outcome the most. Also if you file first, any protective orders that she might try to follow after look like retaliatory actions. They still need to be taken seriously, but some judges ask if there is an existing divorce case in progress and if this can’t be superseded with that case instead. Be prepared for the same if not worse toxic behavior but at least you’ll have a deadline of …
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 05:14 PM
2

I did not file but I did receive major emotional abuse after she decided she was done with the relationship and sought to divorce however she did not file and tried to get me to move out. A toxic environment is not ok but many times it might not rise to the level of unsafe in the eyes of the court. The outcome you are seeking is to have her removed from the house for fear of your safety. That’s a high bar to prove and can’t just be hearsay. Alternatively you can file for divorce tomorrow, wait a…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 04:09 PM
1

Most agents require a listing agreement from all owners so if you do see the house listed without your agreement, you can easily call the agent and shut down the listing. Further the title companies usually require photo ID and in person notary so it’s not as simple as forging a signature on sale documents. She’s unlikely to get away with any sale without your say so.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/26 11:17 PM
2

It sounds like she has a lawyer and you don’t. An agreement is only one if both people sign. The alternative is a lawyer negotiated settlement where yours goes to bat for you and fights for more reasonable terms. You probably have an agreement her lawyer drafted and is asking for the moon and hoping you just sign it. Alternatively you can take it to trial and take your chances with or without a lawyer. Most people tend to settle on more reasonable terms the closer you get to the trial so you mig…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/26 10:45 PM
1

You can also frame it as a judge won’t allow making one of the parties pay all of the carrying costs while the other waits for additional equity down the line. They will either have to share those carrying costs voluntarily, one of them buys the other out, or the judge will order the house be sold. It has to be addressed as part of the divorce. So she can address it now or later in court and you prefer the collaborative approach.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/26 07:20 PM
1

You may need to frame it less emotionally and more practically. Waiting for more equity still means someone is paying the mortgage, taxes, insurance, maintenance, and other carrying costs in the meantime. If you’re effectively separated and living separate lives, it may not be realistic for one person to shoulder all of that indefinitely while both parties hope to benefit from future appreciation.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/26 07:07 PM
2

I didn’t hear a no from her on selling the house, just a “I don’t like how you went about it.” I would write an email out and present 3 realtor choices and the benefits to each. Maybe say that there might be some equity leftover for both of you to split to help you both move on to your new living arrangements. Ask her to pick one, then engage them together and see if she agrees to proceed in getting a proposal from them with marketing plan and what the sale would bring at closing. Then see if sh…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/26 06:45 PM
1

I think a therapist can help him regain his self confidence and sense of self and help process the divorce. If he has insurance or work eap, he should be able to get access to free or copay sessions. Psychology today lets you filter your search for therapist by insurance accepted and most do telemedicine and just need to be in your state. You’re a good friend but can’t be his sounding board forever and don’t have all tools for him. Also have him lookup divorce care support group and join an upco…
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 11:53 AM
1

He’s going to either learn the hard way or you can suggest he read some books to hopefully figure it out sooner. Stop walking on eggshells is a good one: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1684036895 If anything you need to help him learn that his relationship is over and to prepare for that outcome with the right legal and mental health team, divorce support group etc. he’ll need all of that to help process the tough situation. She thinks she’s in charge and…
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 03:16 AM
2

Can you add a request in your plan for kids to be offered video call whenever they request? What term would help you get kids faster when you are attending a family funeral? That sounds like a swap negotiation. Are those stipulations on how swaps or emergency or bereavement schedule changes clear? Figure out how these all tie into your existing parenting plan, how she violated those, and what new terms you would want to add that reduce this conflict in future. Use chat bot to help draft some ide…
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 12:36 PM
1

Hello divorce will do diy for 400. They generate the forms and you file them. I imagine they will provide instructions. Disclosure: never used it and wish mine was that cheap. Only works for uncontested.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 11:48 PM
2

The girls at this stage are still thinking about their biological clocks, having babies and getting married for the first time and other societal pressures. Their friends are clearly reinforcing that societal pressure. You’ve been divorced and a dad for 10 years. Be clear with your position and maybe you introduce her at 6 months or maybe 12 months. Also be clear About if you even want more kids. And it might be ok to let her go if she can’t support your timelines or values at your current chapt…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 03:11 PM
1

This is considered a factor in parental alienation where one parent talks trash/ divorce issues in front of the kids. The book “divorce poison” talks about these and other issues and how to respond to them with your kids. So you document these in your organized notes for your legal case and share with lawyer to show a pattern of parental alienation. You also can read the book so you can learn how to deal with them with your kids as you don’t want to stoop down to her level for example and say it…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 12:51 PM
1

Slow your roll. Is she allowed to be proactive in reaching out to clients? Yes. Does she have discretion in billing for said outreach. Also yes. Client can and often has discretion to challenge the billable hours if they feel they didn’t get value from those activities. I was able to not be billed for an entire motion filed with the court because they missed asking for it while we were in a hearing and missed that opportunity to get something they ordered in writing. I think the lesson here is a…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 03:26 PM
3

I think you should proactively research property management companies in your area, provide her with 3 choices and a top recommendation, then suggest she reach out by June 1 to sign a management agreement with them. They will do all of the work to reach out to tenant to transition the relationship. Tell her you will only be available during May for transition activities and won’t be able to accept rent for June 1. The 150-200/month pm income is not enough for the privilege of having to continue …
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 01:08 PM
3

What were the circumstances that led to you getting full custody? Her lack of involvement or obstinance on settling?
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 09:56 PM
1

All in all, your continuing to be married didn’t stop her before that mediation session so why bother making a stand there? You had a zinger in the hopper and probably was better you didn’t use it anyway. Did you conclude on anything else besides delay until next year? What are the tax benefits? Filing joint? Didn’t last years filing deadline happen 2 weeks ago? Seems like the same outcome except she has a year to devise nefarious plans and put you at a disadvantage. I would look toward sooner a…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 09:33 PM
1

Know that she did it to maximize your level of emotional distress. Know that she’ll continue to do anything after the protective order is lifted to cause emotional pain. Your job will be to put up boundaries limiting to kid logistics and start finding ways to come to peace with this expectation and build skills on how to not let it get to you. Create mantras to recite regularly with chat bot help on her predictable behavior I.e. she’s setting me up or she wants me to get mad and lose it so she c…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 04:03 PM
2

Nice job getting settlement and parenting plan signed before she did the false allegations stuff! I assume the parenting plan is 50/50 once the order expires in a few months? Your story seems focused on her dating and her own motives. She filed for divorce. You no longer control her dating decisions. The things you get to control now are being a great dad and whatever future relationships you want to make with new women and friends. Focus on that. Also, remove her from your social media and try …
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 11:25 AM
1

Check out these two podcast episodes for ideas on how to prepare for custody evaluation: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/been-there-got-out-podcast/id1638999264?i=1000585419325 And https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/been-there-got-out-podcast/id1638999264?i=1000748450059 Lots of other good episodes available from that podcast.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 12:13 PM
2

Yes, you can bring evidence to mediation, but keep in mind the mediator's goal is to help you reach an agreement, not to rule on who's right. So use your evidence to frame your story clearly and calmly, not to "win" points. Your 6-year 50/50 history, your work flexibility, her pattern of bringing the kids to open houses, and the kids' deep roots in CA are all strong arguments in your favor. Document every false claim in her Declaration with a direct counter and keep it factual rather than emotio…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 11:28 AM
1

Also all of the friends he has locally and sports teams and community groups he participated in to show how these connections would be lost if moved so far away. Ditto on making ex be responsible for pickup and drop off on exchange days if that is even possible with such a distance. Focus on consistency for the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 02:23 PM
2

I hear many anecdotes on people who took their cheating partner back that wish they did it the first time and didn’t prolong the misery further and ultimately ended up in the same place years later to their regret.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 12:54 PM
2

I can relate to your journey. That’s wild that you are a lawyer and she was able to succeed in the way she did in filing the courts. I know it’s a long journey for you but keep up the discipline as you get to 50/50. Eventually hopefully you can do school exchange and never have to interact with her on a regular basis.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 12:51 PM
3

Those are stories you can keep and be proud of making a difference in someone’s life. Unfortunately you don’t get to keep the person. Same as if you were a sports coach, teacher, financial consultant. You made an impact on her but you’re both in a different chapter of your lives now. Time to move onto your next chapter.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 12:34 PM
1

Agree. File for divorce and understand that 90% settle before trial. But understand that you might not otherwise get to a settlement unless you have a deadline of Trial looming. And that settlement might still occur the day before trial. But always be settling where possible. Neither of you want a trial. She just wants to dodge making hard decisions right now and nothing you say will affect that. I wanted an uncontested divorce as well but it takes two for that to work. Good luck!!!
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 02:01 AM
3

Mediation is not for validation. Its for coming to agreement on the key parts of your divorce/separation. She can spout off all the lies you want but your goal is to get the mediator stay focused on the key objectives a) finalize the parenting plan and b) anything else you need to come to agreement on and finalize. Anything else is fluff and for her own emotional validation. If she brings it up in mediation, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I want to remain focused on the parenting plan as we h…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 02:20 PM
1

understood. Ignore my legal suggestions and just consult with you lawyer to on next steps now that she is not amendable to signing or editing your parenting plan. One idea is to offer for her to counter your parenting plan but note that the 50/50 schedule is non-negotiable. This is not unusual for the unreasonable party to threaten/be aggressive/ intimidate and make false allegations. Their identity as a mom is under threat and they may assume they could do the same things they did in your relat…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 02:14 PM
2

This is more common than you think that they behave this way and mask comes off and they change topic to the relationship or avoid making decisions on the parenting plan. One suggestion is using an attorney mediator with experience in family law and have them focus on the parenting plan and they can also help with all other aspects of divorce and may take 3-8 sessions to cover all aspects and help you write up an agreement. Another is to do a collaborative divorce where you have two attorneys bu…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 01:46 PM
2

I would take a step further and steel yourself for the next three days. Any inference of aggression might result in her calling police and making false accusations. This happens more often than you think. You want to protect yourself and try to make yourself scarce and try to put yourself in places where there could be witness or alibi for you being away from the house. People change in divorce and don’t let your guard down.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 12:12 PM
2

They need to start taking on loans for future semesters. You can get them started on those applications now. While they need loans now, you can help pay them off in the future when you are in a position to do so. Also, they could transfer to an in state tuition school to lower their own loan costs next year. They will still get the education they need to be successful. Also you can help them explore getting academic scholarships at current or transfer schools if at all possible to keep costs dow…
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 03:50 PM
1

Ah. So the hearing for making that permanent is paused until the amicus can gather the evidence or stories and present their case. It’s strange that you have to meditate even if abuse is substantiated by the amicus but I’m just a guy on the internet. Sorry you have to wait for your justice. Hopefully you can deal with the restraining order case soonest to create space through kick out and then do the mediation to handle the custody and marriage dissolution. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/26 03:27 PM
1

So was the permanent restraining order denied? Were you not able to prove your case? Usually in my jurisdiction you have a second hearing to prove whether to make the temporary one permanent and make them leave the house for an extended period like a year.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/26 12:05 PM
1

You’re proposing that a birthday being treated like a week long spring break which kinda extreme. Is your regular schedule week on week off already? If you don’t add this, one parent gets before and the other after. Doesn’t that sound more fair? If it’s on a Monday, then you have to wait 2 weeks to celebrate with them on the weekend. You can also agree to invite each other to public birthday parties not hosted at the house. That gets both parents celebrating birthday if they want to. Not obligat…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 05:31 PM
6

Agreed. They feel good when they know they are pressing your buttons and it might be even her strategy to annoy OP to move out faster.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 10:42 AM
1

I’ve been there. Very uncomfortable. Try to continue to stay in the home until you can begin working on a draft parenting plan between lawyers or get a temporary custody hearing. Lawyer negotiated settlement can always be happening throughout the divorce so hopefully you two can go through a few drafts of the parenting plan and sign. Even then, it may be worth sticking around to ensure you do the financial settlement agreement if there are terms you need and you want it wrapped up quickly. Just …
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 02:14 AM
1

It’s also a lawyer playbook to say my client wants full custody and the settlement offer that follows is much less intense. The words are lawyer written words and not ex written words so brace yourself and shrug it off. They just need to reserve their right to ask the court for the moon even though they have no intention to litigate that in court. 90% of divorces settle out of court. And no one seeks exactly what is in the petition.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 02:05 AM
2

It’s never too late for either mediation or lawyer negotiated settlement to include parenting plan. Both parties lose if you have to wait until court but, the good news is she set a deadline for you both to arrive at a settlement agreement. So be prepared for what you want your settlement terms to have from a custody and financial perspective. Good luck and while it feels like war, know that you can still win with soft power. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 12:53 AM
2

Next time let your wife get a hotel if she needs space. It’s not universally the husband’s responsibility to move away to give her space. If she wants permanent space, you know what to do and talk to your lawyer on next steps.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 02:03 PM
2

You can do two things. You can work with Doctor to adjust your dose if appropriate. You can also try switching to something else like Lexapro. It also can’t hurt to start weekly therapy. That can have similar therapeutic benefit to ssri type drugs. Your general practitioner may offer virtual visits so you can discuss and try other things with their guidance. You can find in network therapists for your insurance at psychology today. Many do virtual appointments and easy to fit in your day.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/26 11:52 PM
4

That’s a bad and exhausting schedule for you and the kids and your ex even if you seriously consider it. But do real 50/50. No teenager will go along with that parenting plan. It already is bad and ages even worse when they are older.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 10:04 PM
2

Sorry for your tough streak. Probably would have been better to have her leave with the kids than her to ask you to leave. I refused to leave and still got major abuse and false allegations but so far she hasn’t been able take advantage of her plan to force me to leave and then deploy the usual demands that come with the husband leaving.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 10:46 PM
2

You will get blamed for the divorce they wanted. That’s just how they validate or avoid accepting responsibility for their own actions. Accept that the new normal will be having the kids half the time and a court mandated babysitter. You’ll have time for self care and a new partner if you want one and be able to support the kids on your custody time. There are generations of kids before you that turned out fine after divorce and you will also thrive in due time. The app is for your protection. I…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 06:29 PM
2

First recommendation is get a lawyer ASAP and have them represent you in this trial. Put it in a credit card or do what you have to do to get them on your team. Then start reading the affidavit and what are their exact accusations. Be ready to speak to the incident in question in the affidavit and how you will refute her argument. Begin going back and looking at texts and emails on her threatening you or fighting custody or anything that can show her state of mind is not on the allegations but o…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 02:47 PM
1

I’m just a guy on the internet but I observe two things: 1) talk to your therapist about this anxiety you feel about the uncertain future. 2) consider getting help reducing or stopping the weed because it could be amplifying the anxiety you are feeling daily and going against your best interests. You can also journal about what you expect in the new future and what are the likely outcomes and find they are not so bad. Check out other Reddit posts about other dads worrying about 50/50 feeling lou…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 12:42 AM
2

Your capital is tied up in your primary regardless. Force the sale of your house or have her buy you out by refinancing. Then you’ll have capital and time to work on the family house purchase. Expect negotiation to take time with that. You might offer to have it appraised in exchange for them selling to you for that price. Both of these will take months to a year to execute. Expect that you might fail anyway despite your best efforts. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 12:26 AM
3

Thanks for the clarification. So provisional like a temporary orders? Reset the status quo to 50/50 by moving out and following those orders. It will be easy to finalize as permanent when divorce is finalized and you are following the new temp schedule. What’s actually stopping you from buying the house besides family objections? If that’s too high to overcome, just rent and revisit the house purchase next year if the stars align. You got 2 weeks. You’re not going to close on a house in that tim…
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 11:52 PM
2

Totally valid. I recommend any combination of exercise, antidepressants, therapy, and getting laid ( or leaning on social network), friends to overcome the trauma of divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 11:47 PM
1

You can always hire a cleaning service to avoid having to interact with her. Just go back to take out the things you still need before house is sold. Consider having a trash out service empty the rest of house after sold. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 11:43 PM
2

There are 10 different variations that people try out if the first thing didn’t work. It’s not a one and done approach. Lexapro Wellbutrin etc for example. They say therapy can work as well as antidepressants but not everyone can afford to see a therapist. So offering tools in the toolbox helps. We all love light beer but it’s not a long term panacea.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 11:34 PM
1

Can you clarify if you have a written parenting plan that states 50/50 and has a set schedule? If so then your best plan is moving out and then following your parenting plan. If she doesn’t adhere to the plan, then you can talk to a lawyer about enforcing your written plan through the courts. Your remaining in the house seems to be giving her more control over the schedule and trampling your boundaries right now. After you move out, work on setting communication boundaries and making sure you re…
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 11:23 PM
1

You can (and should) hire a current or retired family law attorney as a mediator. They have all of the experience and tools that a litigious divorce process would use only in more real-time and you only have to pay one person to facilitate that process. Always have a personal attorney review any agreements finalized through mediation before you sign them and proceed to filing. Mediation is non binding and you can always do litigation or lawyer negotiated settlement if you can’t work it out using…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 06:24 PM
3

You’ll spend more money on legal fees arguing line by line trying to get your stuff back than going out and buying a new replacement. I would try estimating the total furnishings at 15k fair market value and if she gets the house she just has to give you a credit and you go buy more things. If you can’t decide, sell the house and make her deal with cleaning out the items but you’ll ask for the credit regardless. Just ideas
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 05:26 PM
1

Go on psychology today and review therapists in your area that accept your insurance so you only have to do copay. Then try out the virtual sessions. The only difference is you’ll burn out in commuting to their office. Otherwise you can check out headway or Alma for options. Good luck. Great idea to start now. Better late than never.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 11:56 PM
1

She’ll get it retroactively from the time you moved out don’t worry. Fight or accept more time with the kids then finalize it in a written agreement as quickly as possible. She might not be as agreeable if she realizes she might lose more support as she planned. Your relationship with the kids is important as well.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 07:46 PM
1

Agreed. Protect your kids. She Is physically abusive with you and she admitted to her therapist she had thoughts about hurting the kids. She refuses to seek help or medication. She won’t listen to you or the police when asked to de-escalate. Time to make tough decisions. Her parents may or may not help you but let the lawyers sort it out. You might get child support that might help you with daycare and other costs. Also you can seek resources for spousal abuse cases and are eligible for their ho…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 05:45 PM
2

Start organizing a Dropbox folder and document all the things you want it expect: parenting plan, financial asset split, child support ( not much you can change here). Use chat bots to help create these drafts. I spent alot of time iterating on the parenting plan and adding new sections when I thought of something new. It takes time to think about these things and be in a position to be ready when negotiations start. I even used it to draft negotiation strategy and talking points for each docume…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 05:02 PM
2

It’s just part of a state created child support calculator that dictates what you owe. Just add the prompt into the chat bot you use and the state and it will help you calculate rough numbers. She can spout off all she wants. If it’s not part of a signed agreement it doesn’t matter. There will be two households regardless. The kids will come to one of the households 50% of the time. Use the other time to get hobbies and recharge and prepare for your parenting time. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 04:48 PM
2

Therapy is not a penalty and it’s not only for broken people. It’s an opportunity for self improvement and self assessment. Even therapists do therapy. Do not be ashamed. Embrace the support and be willing to dig deep and talk about difficult issues. Also you are building your team!
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 03:41 PM
1

Remember you owe child support as soon as you move out, paid sometimes retroactively. So you want to have a parenting plan and financial agreement on who pays for the marital home when the other person moves out or you might be on the hook for paying for both and child support back payments. So no rash decisions on moving out or offering to do it first until you consult with your lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 03:38 PM
1

Work eap you can call today to talk to a licensed mental health person on a short term basis. They are always helpful. Psychology today website if you need more leads on counselors that accept your insurance if you don’t want to wait. The first appointment is intake and usually not meant for getting into the details so don’t expect a big relief from first session. Telehealth is the most convenient appointment option. If you see hints of nice or friendly gestures, know it’s her wanting something …
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 03:23 PM
5

Time to change your attitude. Figure out why you don’t like yourself and make meaningful steps to change that. Start seeing a therapist weekly ASAP both for emotional processing and to help you figure out how to deal with not liking yourself as a person because you need that at a minimum to be happy by yourself let alone with a future partner. It no longer matters what she is feeling and why. She is done and you need to start preparing for that reality now. Consult a lawyer and try to do mediati…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 12:34 PM
1

I totally appreciate your anecdote and agree the pressure of an imminent hearing will work the same at bringing two parties to the table either via mediation or lawyer negotiated settlement agreement. But if there was a possibility and willingness by parties to go to mediation without court mandate and months sooner than what court might offer or require, then by all means I recommend that. We all deserve to move on to our next chapter and make divorce as painless and short as possible as mine s…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 05:43 PM
1

Oh I do realize I left out have each party have their own attorney review the agreements before signing but the recommendation for mediation still stands. You can be represented by an attorney and still do mediation. You can be in a high conflict divorce situation and still do mediation. Mediation is simply something that many people including my ex did not know about before they hired a lawyer because that’s what they know about divorce. And you don’t need to pay lawyers the work to do things i…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 04:58 PM
1

Or, you can offer to arrange mediation with a neutral family law attorney (interview several together) and get the parenting plan drafted and all other details including financial sorted. This is less expensive than an adversarial situation with lawyers involved. Very easy to split costs. Some are retired lawyers and don’t charge as much as an active family law practice would. And you want to do this and get things like parenting plan signed ASAP when things are civil and you have cooperation. W…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 03:49 PM
6

Great job and outcome! I love how they think they are the arbiter of who is allowed visitation rights. We are dad, and that is good enough.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 01:33 PM
3

I have something to say about needing to set boundaries during your divorce. In marriage, we take their crap to avoid conflict and happy wife happy love yada yada. Once they hit the eject button, you are not their husband anymore. You are able to set firm boundaries to include choosing not to take their berating. “I’m willing to discuss kid logistics, but if you insult or berate me, I’ll hang up/ walk away.” Then do it every time. You’ll need to re train them and believe me they will fight it an…
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 01:09 PM
2

The blame and would’ve should’ve could’ve always comes out as gaslighting during divorce. Mine said similar things like she was suggesting mediation all along when I was the first person to suggest it and never heard her suggest it once. They were never going to suggest mediation but want it to seem like it was always their idea and you were being the unreasonable one. Stay the course. She’ll settle and you’ll both wrap this up soonest. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 12:32 AM
6

Don’t operate out of a fear of losing the kids. You can always discuss with lawyer, file and then continue to live in the house until you finalize your parenting plan that covers custody. Another reason to stay put is making sure you don’t have to pay temporary child support and pay for 2 households before all permanent financial considerations are agreed in the settlement agreement. There will be months of discomfort of having to live together and her possible threats to take the kids but their…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 01:26 PM
1

So consider picking just the son up early when you can and force her to have to resolve the issue with a formal plan. She’ll learn the every parent for themselves approach won’t work long term. Agreed you avoid conflict and just go home if she is there already for pickup. Avoid escalation at all cost even if it’s unfair.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 12:02 AM
1

There is no order so can’t you just pick them up at school? When you get to the parenting plan stage, you’ll make sure to do exchanges at school to avoid this type of BS and conflict at exchanges.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 09:24 PM
1

Kids under 6 are major burn out territory especially if you don’t have a village. Note that child care obligations are state calculated through standard calculators and when you decide to walk away, you still have to pay your share of that joint obligation. You chose to have kids and are responsible for their care until they are 18. You can walk away but you’ll have to pay your share. You can fight for 50/50, see what she has to pay you and see if you can use that to augment with a part time eve…
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 03:43 PM
1

You can always have a buddy on video call as a witness to show a peaceful entry. If tension flares you can always just ask if your buddy can hear you to remind them there is a witness.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 07:52 PM
1

They know your state laws and your county court nuances that Reddit won’t and can advise you on a customized action plan. Lawyer initial consults are free. Take advantage of more than one if you would like to find the right fit and to ask plenty of questions. My retainer was 5k and that’s just to start work so they are not cheap. You can offer mediation anytime to reduce legal costs and they can guide you both to possible agreement that your lawyers can draft up for the court. Always a worthwhil…
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 04:53 PM
2

You’re being too focused on your wife’s financial and emotional needs and none of your own. When your wife remarries, do you think the new husband will let you hang out in the house 7-430 m-f? Definitely not and not sustainable as a long term parenting plan until they turn 18. You need to think of a sustainable parenting plan and be prepared to adjust it as the kids get older and new relationships develop. If you don’t do that now, expect to have very little time with the kids. Also, if you star…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 09:21 PM
5

She betrayed you and gave up on the relationship that you tried to save. Now that we got that out of the way, it’s time to start working on moving forward and processing all of difficult emotions that come up with this tough break up. While she’s distracted by tinder flames, you’ll be focusing on your divorce strategy and next steps you need to take today like calling a lawyer and discussing your options. Build your checklist of things you need to do tomorrow (see this thread for ideas) https://…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/25 01:28 AM
2

Can’t overstate trying to do meditation to achieve a non contested divorce. Tell her it’s faster and cheaper than litigation. You can both interview a family lawyer that is a mediator and start it out. They can guide you through the entire process. Keep in mind she does not work but will have to start working after divorce. So there might be some tension there but it’s not something that is negotiable. Meditation is just as fair and accountable as divorce court but both parties ultimately have t…
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/25 11:25 PM
1

Put anything you want to keep or see again into your apartment or into a storage unit. Assume you won’t ever see the stuff again if you leave it. Pack up all important papers and documents. Consider having movers take care of it before you are out so you just get it done all at once. She might sell it or toss it and you will have no recourse. You won’t spend 10k taking her to court for throwing out your 500 suit for an example of what I mean. Consider just selling all of your stuff of value now …
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/25 11:16 PM
2

Two additional ideas. Request a police civil standby to show up when you go back home. Show them a copy of your orders at the station and schedule it for the next day maybe. Or skip and just have a friend on FaceTime when you go back in and have them witness a civil move in process. Just so I understand you were out a year but only because of the domestic order that she initiated and then withdrew? Her lawyer is not your lawyer and she will saying anything to discourage you from moving back in a…
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/25 10:54 PM
2

Good to know. Just counter with alimony that you are entitled to if she wants this term added. Her choice to accept or escalate and inevitably lose.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/25 04:18 PM
1

It feels good to scorch earth but less painful and less expensive to settle. Definitely use the alimony as leverage to get her to accept this current deal or it goes back in if you have to go back to court to finalize this. She’s been warned and you are giving her carrot stick before she escalates.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/25 04:17 PM
2

Another idea. Then counter her to accept her proposal but add alimony back in as you are entitled by the court. Or you can keep things the same. Let her choose.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/25 04:13 PM
4

Tell her IRS deems what she is asking is fraud and your lawyers won’t be able to put that in writing as they are forbidden from enabling fraud. You can only put kids as dependents if you have them more than 50% if the year. You have full custody so irs might even reject her filing if she tried. Ask her for a different non fraudulent proposal or accept the proposal as is if there is nothing else.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/25 04:09 PM
2

So the lesson learned is if you swing too hard in either direction, divorce! Lol! It’s impossible to do right by your spouse these days.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 04:02 PM
1

Don’t give up your fight. Worry about finances later. Her goal is to wear you down but fight for what you deserve. You are a good parent and you deserve equal time with your kids. In 20 years you won’t regret the money you spent fighting but you will regret the lost relationships and influence with your kids. Mediation works for cooperative parents but when that breaks down, you have fewer low cost choices to assert your rights.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 12:59 PM
2

Ask them to recommend a mediator or begin researching ones on your own who have experience in family law. The ones you look for are either usually active family law attorneys or retired and are exclusively mediators now. Then use them to draft your terms and then have each of your lawyers review the agreements before signing and filing. It will take several sessions but they will guide you through all of the parts that they need to cover for divorce. Research your preferred terms and proposals a…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/25 02:55 PM
4

Just be sure your wife doesn’t know your Reddit handle. People can lookup your posting in your post history in your profile if they know it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 05:26 PM
3

I would offer to jointly interview several people and go to mediation. Have the mediator help you to come to agreement on all of the parts of the divorce including the parenting plan. Then have a lawyer for each of you sign off on it and one of you file ( looks like it’s gonna be you to take the lead). The mediation route is the most collaborative and least adversarial option for divorce. The alternative is much more expensive stressful and time consuming. I’m told it takes 4-8 sessions to addre…
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 04:57 PM
1

Your preaching to the choir. All she sees is you giving less to her, not it going to the kids instead. How much does 2 extra days a month add to child support when you are both equal income? Is that worth the legal fees involved? You could just let her keep those funds if they are negligible.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 04:45 PM
1

Ah, so you have your answer. Have a strong proposal for the court, show how you do that and more today and then wait for the judge to rule. She’s stuck because she wants the financial outcome. Your only alternative right now is to offer the same child support split she has today exchange for her accepting 50/50. If you can’t afford that then court may be your best option even though that too costs money.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 04:15 PM
1

Got it. You have weekday flexibility and she has weekend flexibility. So why can’t you offer a schedule based on those strengths like Schedule Proposal: • I have the kids Monday through Thursday every week. • We alternate Fridays. • The other parent has every Saturday. • Sundays alternate. ChatGPT can come up with other permutations to make it 50/50 on a monthly basis. Then just add in that the plan can be modified as needed if agreed and signed by both parents. That way you can update it as nee…
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 03:57 PM
1

What about looking into financing a gently used car after lease is up? You can eventually pay off the car and drop the note payment. Obviously not an immediate cashflow solution however. Outside of doing an audit of your expenses you can try for a second source of income on your non custody days as a worst case idea. Upwork remote ideas like consulting or bookkeeping or leveraging your current strengths and can do them when your schedule allows. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 03:41 PM
1

I’m still cohabitating and have no temporary orders. What led to the temporary orders giving her 2 extra days? Your best bet seems to show that she’s not fully using those 2 extra days and the times you are covering on her designated time. Document those days and times on a spreadsheet to show the pattern from month to month and then present that. Some people just want to be listed as primary or are too ashamed to accept 50/50 as a type of loss or in your case child support advantage. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 03:05 PM
2

You need to show and Map out how flexible you can be with your work schedule to demonstrate you can do it. How can you use before and after care to care for kids before and after workday. Do you already use that? If you only need to show 2 days a week, show how you can make it work on those two days. Does your employer allow you to work longer days for rest of week and shorter on custody days? Show how workplace flexibility allows you to make that happen or ask for it if you don’t have it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 02:59 PM
2

That’s just using the language and criteria the courts use for weighing these decisions without actually explaining why it would be in the kids best interest to be with one parent. It’s not an argument but just an opinion without evidence. Just know that the burden is on the accusing parent to show that you aren’t fit and that bar is unbelievably high. Being a bad dad, having a temper, using a non preferred parenting style all are not grounds for giving the other parent more shared time. Those a…
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 02:49 PM
2

I’m going through the same and already had one unsuccessful mediation session solely on custody. I stuck with process over content and didn’t take the bait on blame and accusations. I calmly stated how the schedule we follow today already models 50/50 and explained what that schedule was and then proposed how the parenting schedule I wanted 2-2-5, closely resembled what we already did today and continuing that and maintaining the strong bond with the kids is in their best interest. Show how you …
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 02:41 PM
1

Do you have your parenting plan in writing and signed by the both of you? If not, get that started ASAP. Better yet, by a lawyer? Check out https://hellodivorce.com as it might be something affordable to check out. ( No experience or affiliation with that service)
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/25 01:29 AM
0

Cheaper and faster to work it out in mediation than in court. Anyone should try it out before filing for divorce because it’s always better to settle within reason than to duke it out in court to the detriment of both parties.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/25 12:36 PM
2

Mediators aren’t judges so they do need to help you come to an agreement. That said they can tell her what a judge would do if you don’t come to an agreement and that might help her see the light. But she will have a hard time moving back and undoing her decision so court may need to be an option you consider if she can’t get there in mediation. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/25 03:07 AM
1

You can be as mean or nice as you wish. That is the beauty of life. We live it how we please. You can even act nice if it achieves a goal for you like avoiding conflict. But don’t assume nice small talk will lead to reconciliation.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 09:55 PM
1

When you are ready, ask away! LOL
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 09:47 PM
1

OK fine. How about asking her to remove you from lease And agreement to resolve divorce terms in mediation in exchange for you leaving? This way you have a plan to mediate and finalize and also not responsible for lease payments going forward. Get it in writing and both sign it and have someone witness or notarize.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 09:39 PM
1

Any kids involved? Do you own the house together? You want to negotiate those things as well as house disposition plan and who is responsible for house expenses like mortgage before you leave and put it in writing in a separation agreement through a lawyer and not leave until they say so. Otherwise you could be at risk of having to pay for her house and your new accommodation at the same time due to lack of agreement beforehand. Also you can ask for relocation credit in exchange for moving out t…
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 09:34 PM
3

Your staying put is your leverage. You want to have 50/50? Don’t move out until it’s in writing in a separation agreement with full parenting schedule. She already telegraphed what she did with her last ex to you with every other weekend. She’s going up act out and throw tantrums in unusual ways. If she brings it up, calmly redirect her to schedule mediation where you go over all of the aspects of the parenting plan, then have your lawyer review approve and finalize and only when lawyer says to,…
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 07:37 PM
1

You can always try for a collaborative divorce through a family law attorney that is a mediator. They will take 4-8 sessions to go through the different parts together and then at the end they can draft the agreement and you can each hire a lawyer to review approve and then file. Try to offer mediation first and if that doesn’t work you can go attorney to attorney and file. But know that will feel more adversarial and the filing might have some language that puts each other on defensive unnecess…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/25 03:59 PM
1

Do you want to have shared or equal custody? If so, consider not moving out until you have a separation agreement agreeing in custody terms. You should consult with an attorney for free at least to gather intel on your options. I know retainer will be expensive and you can’t afford that but just know what you are getting into by moving out instead of saving up for a lawyer. That might be the right priority if you want to avoid having to pay two households, child support back pay and more by leav…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 09:37 PM
4

Here is one that shows limitations of current studies on coparenting quality and type. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6072620/ There are so many variables like conflict and level of support, work, community that make it hard to measure it at scale. Instead focus on what you can do to make your situation the best possible and read a few books on coparenting from the library. Remember you are going to be able to have a healthy relationship with someone else and save your kids from enduri…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 12:39 AM
2

You should walk every day if you can. That is a great mind clearing activity and just makes you feel better. Also check out this resource: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/cordell-cordell-mens-divorce-podcast/id1026144439?i=1000674766325
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/25 07:42 PM
3

Therapists can help you with social anxiety and to process your situation. Those are great goals to set and tackle with them. Look on psychology today for a list of therapists near you that accept your insurance. You only have to pay your copay if they are in network. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/25 11:31 PM
1

Sometimes you need to talk to a few to find one that is a good fit. Definitely worth doing individual therapy. It also takes time to get comfortable with sharing with someone so it’s ok to not see big progress in the first few sessions. You’ll need it as this is a tough time for you and they help you process the hard emotions and also reframe the situation as an opportunity to assess and improve yourself for future relationships so your next one can be that much more successful. You can find the…
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/25 12:22 AM
1

Check out this podcast to rethink your need for validation from your wife/ future relationship: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/no-more-mr-nice-guy-dr-robert-glover/id1536077981?i=1000684682348 If you like it, Google no more Mr nice guy and PDF on Google and read the book. It might help you.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/25 12:05 PM
2

When I say terms, I mean content written on the agreement that her lawyer, her advocate, is writing. This is not a deck of cards, it’s a $2000+ piece of paper that you are agreeing to have drafted that you already know you won’t like or agree to. You’re just wasting your own time and the shared pot of your own money. Even if she owes you, that’s 2000 less going into the assets to split. Your lawyer isn’t collecting the documents, they are interacting with the other attorney to influence the fina…
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/25 12:24 PM
2

Why wait for an entire document to be drafted at 400/hr+ when you already know the terms favor her? Why not ask what’s the custody terms and high level time share schedule? If those are not acceptable, why havehave them do the entire doc? Also this is not poker where you can just have another hand, it’s a negotiation where the first offer sets the tone and then now you have to negotiate off of that instead of stating your non negotiable terms up front. You’re automatically at a weaker position b…
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/25 11:51 AM
2

You are waiting for them to draft the entire agreement for you to sign and you don’t even know what terms they are offering? There are phases of this negotiation to include custody, parenting plan, asset division, child support etc. if it’s written by their lawyer, who do you think they are writing the terms for? You? Good luck with that! Get a lawyer and get ahead of the terms negotiations.
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/25 11:28 AM
3

Talk to your solicitor and see how you can protect your funds from the divorce. You can try delaying receiving the funds until the divorce is complete or putting them in the appropriate account advised by your solicitor.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/25 11:54 AM
1

This helped me change my perspective that there were benefits for this to happen and it wasn’t all about having to start over : https://medium.com/@cmattice07/7-divine-reasons-your-divorce-was-never-a-mistake-752c612105cb
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/25 07:10 PM
1

Why don’t you see your kids? You live in the family home right? Hire or consult with a lawyer to demand your custody back. 3 weeks is enough time to start filing court orders to get your kids back or at least get equal custody. Fight for them. It’s not too late. Don’t rely on the kindness of your wife to give you back your custody. Longer your wait the more the status quo gets maintained with her having the kids. When you get your custody back, she’s just a court ordered babysitter that sees you…
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/25 11:47 AM
2

They build that into divorce agreements now that non custody parent can attend games and other extracurricular activities to avoid this type of shenanigans. Sounds like a good idea for anyone negotiating right now.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/25 04:56 PM
2

Yep. Still In the thick of it. She’ll figure it out eventually when things don’t go the way she anticipated.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/25 12:11 AM
8

My wife was similar with a part time job and doing more of the household work. I had a full time job and managed additional real estate investment business to generate additional income. She wanted her cake and to eat it too with me to be around all of the time and also generate that extra income. Such unrealistic expectations and then abandoning you when you were in a really tough place because of your decision to sacrifice your personal care for the family. Looks like that was not sustainable …
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/25 12:37 PM
1

I would move back in when no one is home and stay there if it’s been less than a week. You will hurt your custody outcome if you move out with a custody agreement. She can’t evict you or change the locks on you. I would live on your own room or take one of the kids rooms and make that kid sleep with your wife. You need to fight for your custody and you have equal rights to live in your house until a separation agreement is made. Hire a lawyer ASAP as well and listen to them.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/25 11:54 PM
3

Child support is what you owe to take care of basic kids needs and will be calculated according to the state and based on custody split. Alimony means what you owe the wife. If you’ve been married less than 10 years your chance you owe that part is lower. You may need to pay a transition alimony into she can get a job but hopefully not long term. Ultimately she needs to get a job based on her education and sustain herself. After divorce she is no longer your concern to sustain unless court order…
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/25 03:43 PM
3

Use that to your advantage! Fight for your custody. Follow your lawyer advice and you will prevail. Gather evidence about the cheating and when you confronted her and share that with your lawyer. Get your timeline documented. It will take more time but you will be cleared of these BS claims over time. The money spent now will secure your future with your kids in the long run. Stay strong!
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/25 02:15 PM
4

Make sure she can’t draw any more on the heloc or close it out to future draws. Sometimes they lower the interest if you close the line of credit and just plan to pay off the balance. Worth calling to ask. Pull her off your card balance. The debt will be split but you want to minimize the damage until divorce is filed. Sell the toys and pay down the debt now. Try to keep the truck or get something less expensive if needed.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/25 01:25 AM
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