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elganmas Archive

View 4 posts and 20 comments by elganmas on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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4

I've been in the same headspace as you. Pouring all the blame on my own shoulders. My ex left via an affair with a friend. It was all my fault according to her, and look, both you and I can see there is truth to it. But time away from being her husband, which you are still in, made me realise I had needs that were not met, I felt unseen and unwanted, and what a few other people have said, she's going for fairy tail butterflies after 20 years still. She may have had more awareness of it but I can…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/26 09:22 AM
2

Not sure I'd say I have skillz! But I'm an ok looking guy who is maybe lowering his standards a bit to get some. I've had fun, actually some really fun dates, and honestly some of the best sex I've had in a long time. It feels great at the time, but certainly has zero effect on actually processing anything, just complicates things if anything.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 08:48 PM
3

Yep that's the brutal reality, rather than actually talk to me so I understand and not just have vague irregular conversations about feeling a bit unfulfilled and then doing nothing herself to actually change anything, she instead built up silent resentment past a point of no return, which built to an affair. Again, I'm not blameless, I should have been more aware, but it just feels like a waste, we had built such an amazing life, I guess she gets to keep most of it!
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 08:35 PM
1

That's an interesting question that I can't think of an immediate response to. There's still part of me that wishes I could wake up and realise it was a dream. I'd just like to feel "normal" again, even for just a day, but I suspect that's a way off. I currently have to take the "normal" couple of hours, which will eventually turn into half a day, then a day, then a week etc.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 05:57 PM
2

Yep I'd say this is probable, but if she just carries on powering through she'll never feel it. Ultimately it doesn't matter, whether she regrets it or not doesn't change my life now. The alternative is I'm a fool and blind that I was in a dead marriage...
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 05:53 PM
1

I'm avoiding knowing anything about her as much as possible but that means when I do get snippets from the kids or whatever it hits even harder. Also her apparent absolute indifference hits me. But yeah, it's over and my only good energy is focusing on my future.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 05:51 PM
1

No that's really good to hear, the comparison trap is real and hard to avoid sometimes. Your time analogy is good too. I know I'm going to come out of this a better person but when the loops come they take over.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 05:48 PM
1

Yep all great stuff thanks. The good eating and movement went into overdrive initially but slipped back into habits. I'm actually trying to get back into it now but make it more sustainable.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 05:46 PM
2

Yep hobbies are already underway, all related to fitness and community too. I guess it's just planting the seeds of my new life at this point and waiting for them to grow.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 05:43 PM
3

Thanks man, you raise points I know are true regarding the self blame. When you've been with someone so long you take their word as absolute, so when she tells me all this stuff I can't help but internalise it all. But I'm also aware she had to devalue me completely to live with her actions. So the hard part is figuring out what is real and I need to take away from this and what is guilt from her. She's buying me out of the house yeah, so it's not like I can't rebuild, but my life is currently u…
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 03:17 PM
2

Yeah, honestly I can now go for days and be in a good place, doing things I'm really proud of, but then a trigger will hit or something and I could be in the loops again for a couple of days. I think it's just stacked, discard, betrayal, compete life reset. I've also got a new demanding job. We'll get there and I'll be an even better person than I know I was before. And it'll be clean, no guilt being buried down like she's having to do. The road looks long though!
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 03:00 PM
3

Ha ha she hasn't trickled anything, I've had to find out all of myself. She basically wants to pretend it didn't happen, she's not actually even talked to me about it, just "I hope we can be friends".
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 02:56 PM
3

I'm pretty sure they hadn't slept together before I caught them, they'd definitely kissed, it's not impossible I guess. I think in her mind she had to be "separated" so she was "clean" to sleep with him. Obviously ridiculous outside of the affair fog but that's what I think happened and why she moved so quickly. We're talking a week or so after here.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 02:42 PM
10

In my opinion "being friends" is for years down the line if one person wants the divorce and one doesn't. Being friends comes when you feel as indifferent as she does currently. You need to step back from anything other than logistics because you're torturing yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 09:43 PM
3

This is what I'm feeling, I feel like I've been jolted out of it. I thought it would be this slow slow acceptance but it's like a wave has just come over me and the attachment has broken. I just don't want to crash again by putting the attention too much in other places.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 11:00 AM
3

Ok, but what do you actually mean here? I fully intend to get to know myself more, build my independent life more, broaden my social life. Are you saying not to engage with women unless it is 100% clear one night stand territory??
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 10:51 AM
4

Wow, that hit home with me, especially the assumption we were worth more than not even trying anything. I guess in their heads they've tried all they can, but sure didn't seem that way to me.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 06:55 PM
1

That really resonates and it's pretty much the conclusions I was coming to. Still a lot of work for me to do.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 08:41 PM
4

You made me smile there, doesn't happen so much currently due to my own 40 year old, perimenopausal, troubled childhood soon to be ex wife!
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 07:56 PM
2

I literally tonight managed to get the far away look from her! She was adamant we'd agreed something regarding the house splitting cost and I showed her where we'd written down what we agreed which was different. Not going to lie being able to actually shut her up for 3 seconds felt good. Quickly back into the blame it all on me narrative though...
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/26 11:04 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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