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jalopkoala Archive

View 1 posts and 452 comments by jalopkoala on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
9

jalopkoala/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 08:13 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
9

One of the hard parts of life for a lot of men is simply that no one ever asks us how we are. It isn’t annoying!
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 02:25 PM
2

I don’t want her to also steal my good memories. I keep them.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 01:17 AM
3

If she’s a narcissist she’s not capable of pissing her pants. They can never be wrong. And must always feel like they are the smartest in the room. So if she’s really a narcissist, you are wasting your energy. There is no shame in them. Things are never their fault. You will never get a moral victory over them unless it is the one in your own heart and mind. Don’t look for validation from them, ever. So given that, it seems like the only thing you are risking is messing up your oldest child. You…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 02:20 PM
9

Ok. Get snipped. It’s like a super power. Why are you posting this? Do you need one of us to tell you that it’s ok to feel this way? It’s ok to feel this way. Do what you want, dude.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/26 12:29 AM
2

I just am not a jealous person. If someone can bring my child joy when I’m not there, more love is more love. I’m sort of bummed my ex has never found her person(s). Like kid is already only with me half time. I want him to have all the people rooting for him and invested in him as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/26 03:26 AM
-10

Dad to dad. Why does it make your blood boil?
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/26 10:03 PM
1

Good women don’t think that. Don’t waste your time with someone that would think that. At the very least, I bet they are not giving in bed.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/26 03:41 PM
11

Being in your late 30s most places and NOT being divorced or NOT having a kid is a red flag. I don’t want to date 90% of women, anyway. For lots of reasons. So just keep your head up and you’ll find the people that are looking for same stuff you are looking for.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 11:01 PM
1

I have a couple buddies with this dynamic. I’d prefer it!
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/26 04:18 PM
2

How old is your daughter? It’s interesting you are disgusted with her and not her mother. Or simply compassionate that divorce is hard on kids and sometimes kids fuck up. There was no 50/50 parenting plan in place with an “amicable mediated divorce”? How did your child go no contact with you unless you allowed it to happen? You are the dad. You had a responsibility to make sure she had you in her life as a role model and give her double the people to trust and confide in. Some of us have to be t…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 12:04 AM
6

I didn’t say you were a dick. I said based on what you wrote I doubt that few women match you in brain power. That your reading comprehension interpreted that as me thinking you are a dick now further substantiates this.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 01:30 PM
9

“We got him”
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 01:29 PM
7

No. We can read what you wrote. It isn’t an assumption.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 01:27 PM
7

That sucks. The best in bed.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 01:13 PM
15

I highly doubt this based on your post and now this comment.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 01:13 PM
4

Intelligence differences go both ways. And it seems you are talking about intellect. There are lots of intelligences and look for people that compliment yours where you are lacking and vice versa. Will chime in to say dating women smarter than you is a real joy! I love cute smarties.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 01:03 PM
3

I always say “I’m so sorry. Congrats.”
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 02:56 PM
5

Like so many things here the answer is simply time. Get out there and have some good experiences with new people. Slowly it will fade. And you will find people that do things she could never do and it will be fun new feelings. It just takes time and adventure. And nothing wrong with a good wank to your ex. You had good times. It’s ok to remanence. Don’t let her take the good times from you, too. And it’s ok to angrily jerk it to someone. It is a fun energy.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/26 01:07 AM
1

Seems to be consensus!
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 01:57 AM
1

It seems like $850 a month and 73/27 camps and stuff is the best I’ll get.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 05:23 PM
2

I used the past tense word “thought”. It’s does suck! I’ll carry on with where I’m at.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 05:23 PM
2

We are both w-2 employees. Delightful that 50/50 parenting time still equals CS. Wonder if even if my CS goes up, the shared expenses being 50/50 will still be a net gain. Pretty insane out here. But at least we aren’t still married!
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 03:10 PM
4

This is a bummer to learn! It’s crazy to think I made out well…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 10:40 PM
2

That’s a bummer to hear. I thought it was both parties split contributions based on parenting time, so theoretically if it was equal parenting time and equal salaries it would net to $0. We are 50/50.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 10:39 PM
2

Yeah man. This has to go through New York Family court. I have to serve her to get those. You used the word “ask”.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 09:36 PM
4

Our settlement says nothing to this effect.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 09:23 PM
3

17% of the cap of $165k or so, split by income.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 09:22 PM
3

She was in a PhD program! That I supported her through 4 years of. Woo! I wish her nothing but success. Her success is my child’s success.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 08:51 PM
3

Any idea how many billable hours that runs? When I got divorced, my attorney was $475/hour and that was the middle-of-the-road attorney in terms of cost. Manhattan is crazy.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 08:24 PM
9

Yeah you can tell by the way you talk about her. /s
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 04:28 PM
36

This is the misogynist part of this sub I can’t stand. Just heal yourself and find happiness, my man. She’s your ex. If you have kids, want for her nothing but happiness so she’ll be a better mom to your kids. If you don’t have kids, who the fuck gives a shit what she’s doing with her life. And women can feel this energy. So you’ll attract crappier women. Then have more fuel to hate women with when it goes sideways, making you less happy and attracting worse women. And the cycle repeats until yo…
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 12:44 PM
13

You’re gonna get wildly different responses here. Because some of us are ugly. Some of us are bad at sex. Some of us are shy. Some of us are misogynists. Some of us are poor. Some of us live in urban areas where we set our radius to 1 mile and have more options that we could imagine. Some of us live in suburbs where you are driving 20 miles for a date. Some of us are old. Some of us are healed. And some of us are still broken. Get out there with honest intentions, done be afraid to be open and c…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 01:50 PM
2

When my kid asked a while ago about getting remarried I was like “could you imagine having to deal with a third opinion about dinner?”
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 07:11 PM
1

Well find the women that don’t lie if you want to find the ones good at sex and giving in life. And don’t lie yourself so you’re not a loser. Edit: a woman lying her number down and anyone liking that is inherently conservative.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 06:17 PM
2

lol. Sorry. That makes a lot of sense. I read it as “divorced woman” and would never have connected it with Reddit. Stay out of their space and we sort of push them away from here. And I’m totally down for that. Affinity spaces are useful and should be respected. I think, just like here, the men that come here are the ones that got really hurt or are struggling with hating women. Divorced men that had an easy time never need to stop by, the women over there are having their own struggles. Right …
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 02:23 PM
0

Yeah man my lived experience just isn’t the same. I live in Manhattan and I feel sorry for people that live more conservative lives. Not a life that is about a single monogamous parter, a life that is about judging women’s past or being possessive about how they love women. I am polyamorous and have two main partners. They know my kid. My kid likes them. One of them has her own kid. They have been here for me in medical emergencies, family emergencies, and all other kinds of support. I’ve been t…
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 02:18 PM
1

Wait was she like a friend? I’ve counseled three women friends through the divorce. One of them just got remarried (an insane choice, in my opinion but he seems perfect for her). One of them sadly passed away during her divorce. It was heartbreaking. Also would love to know more about how you were treated like a creeper. Good on you for trying to support your friend. Never stop trying that with people.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 12:32 PM
8

But you were also on the streets. This double standard is crazy. It was so empty that… you also did the behavior you judge women for? Enjoy and celebrate them. Or opt out and follow the same standard you expect of women.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 01:40 AM
1

Keep looking for people that shares your relationship style. You’ll find them. And this is good practice to figure out what you really want out of life. I am with two women and dedicated to both. And then I can still have new random partners when someone catches my eye. We all even do things together and my two main partners are friends with each other. And I with some of their partners. Very few people want what my crew wants. But I learn to find the right kind of open and loving people. I guar…
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 01:39 AM
3

Fair. But I think also we have to have some room for people to vent imperfectly here. Hopefully so we can more perfectly handle things at home.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 07:56 PM
6

I would push back hookups, friends with benefits, or even one night stands don’t have their own kind of emotional connection. It’s just a different one. People like different things.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 12:49 PM
1

Totally. It’s a slippery slope but pick and choose your battles.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 03:48 AM
3

How much money is it? I think about a lot of these things in terms of bottom line. Would I pay a couple hundred bucks to not have to talk to her about this. Absolutely.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 09:33 PM
1

Ok
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 11:30 PM
0

I mean push back against this idea that women are encouraged, rewarded, and supported while men are disposable. Who did you surround yourself that treated you like that. My divorce I did not feel disposable. So thankful for all of the people that stepped up. And I’ve continued to foster that and support in return in the intervening 10 years. People are awesome. Red pill people can go be sexless and lonely somewhere.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 03:47 PM
4

I will always push back against this. Surround yourself with men (and women) that encourage you, reward you, and support you no matter what. And you do the same to them. And you won’t have this problem.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 08:45 PM
10

All three of those things are available to you, sir! Go get them. You deserve them!
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 08:44 PM
14

When she was sick, I would sleep on the couch so she could get a good night’s sleep. When I was sick, I would sleep on the couch so she could get a good night’s sleep. If you are a giver, find a giver. Both of you will get joy from giving. Beware the takers.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 01:51 AM
2

I’m a divorced feminist. There are dozens of us! Dozens!
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 02:33 PM
2

You’re gonna see a lot of men here that were legitimately hurt by women and going this route after the divorce in order to protect themselves is the response of many of them. It’s unfortunate but it is what it is here.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 12:49 PM
5

I’ll chime in as a weird lefty here. Only because maybe your wife shares some of my views of “political” and it could help you. I, personally, do not make a distinction between political and personal. Politics is not “politics” like a game. It is decisions about whether or not people die from cancer, children get deported, we can put food on the table. When people here complain about the laws and judicial approaches that keep us from our kids or don’t penalize women for lying during a divorce, t…
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 12:48 PM
3

People end up on this particular sub because we have had rough divorces. The men that have had decent ends to their marriages don’t need to come here form support. So you’ll get a skewed perspective. I know two men that have great relationships with their ex wives. They do hang out as a family and call each other and hang out one-on-one sometimes. I have a friend I’ve known since college whose divorced parents have been friends ever since splitting and even double date together. So yeah, it’s po…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 01:32 AM
4

Do it. It’s a super power. You don’t want two coparents. Two kids is plenty. I had the same sense of unfairness. I could never have children that live with me full time and children that live part time. If you ever change your mind, adoption is a loving option. So I feel all the same feelings you are talking about if that helps. I’m 8 years out from a vasectomy and no regrets.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 02:16 AM
1

I did the same thing when she tried to do taxes so wrong and was double counting a bunch of stuff. I said screw it and filed married separately. We ended up refiling that year jointly as part of our settlement. But even that saved money over what she was trying to do. Such a waste of time and effort. Good on ya.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 01:36 AM
6

Dating ≠ marriage Take some time for yourself. Relationships can take a million forms. I have real friends where we also have benefits. I’m 42 and poly and have two very dear committed partners and we raise our kids separately and live apart. But forget the poly thing there will be women your age that want their independence or entanglement that aligns with what you want. Just get out there and make it clear what you are looking for once it is known. My partners dad is in his 70s and his girlfri…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 01:53 PM
1

On the flip side, this is place is a great resource if it all goes to shit. Just take the cover your ass advice and brotherhood you need, leave the misogyny and fatalism you don’t.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 05:20 PM
1

Partly, the people that are in this subreddit are the people that tried counseling and it didn’t work for us. So there is a selection bias in the experiences discussed here. The people that counseling helped never end up here, or only end up here for a second during the same moment in their lives that you are in. Go into counseling with an open heart and mind. Still talk to several lawyers to have a good one lined up.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 03:36 PM
1

No one petitioned it. The court did it to us cause our first judge moved to another part of the court of something. And then I don’t know what happened to second judge but we got moved back to first judge at the end. And at that point we had reached a settlement. 2nd judge had less patience for bullshit, it seemed. But I didn’t have a problem with either of them. Honestly it was the court lawyer who seemed to have the most power.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 02:47 PM
3

My ex would submit motion after motion of craziness. And it would freak me out. My lawyer would let me write notes in response. But then every one of the responses he filed was “this was false, we want a forensic psychiatrist”. These motions just continued to build up as dates would get canceled. We switched judges and then switched back just for dumb court reasons. And then I finally caught her it two lies with paper trails: lying about taking the kid to a shrink without my permission (I had be…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 02:25 PM
2

We need a sticky post or something for discussion of ChatGPT. Don’t trust it. Details will vary highly based on what country and local laws are for you but general advice: 1) Don’t leave the home until 50/50 is in place officially. That’s your leverage. 2) Get a lawyer now. If your goal is maximizing time with kids and lowering child support, don’t let anyone jerk you around. Get professional help, and interview several so you feel good about it and don’t get one that makes false promises or jus…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 04:31 AM
5

100 years ago, the only people that did any sort of physical fitness were considered weirdos (striped swim suits on boardwalks and handlebar mustaches). Now, if someone doesn’t have some kind of physical routine they are the weird ones. Even if that’s just taking regular walks, everyone knows we need to take care of our bodies. I think soon it will be the same with mental health. Why would you not take care of your mind. Everyone should have some sort of approach to keeping their mind healthy. T…
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 07:37 PM
1

Indeed!
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 05:39 AM
0

So, in this case, since, as a class, we seem to be struggling with analogies today. entitlement = disease (infection) cheating / sex as a weapon = symptom (boil) All you did was say my thing back to me using a different example, sir.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 09:17 PM
-2

This is it. Cheating is the boil that shows after an infection is already brewing.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 06:15 PM
0

Ok
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 06:13 PM
-1

Of course cheating is a symptom. It could be a symptom of someone not respecting you. It could be a symptom of someone unable to keep a promise. It could be a symptom of someone being untrustworthy. It could be a symptom of two people growing apart and not doing the work to stay close to the point it gets so bad someone cheats. It could be a symptom of a sexless partnership that someone just tried to power through until they lost it and cheated. If someone punches you in the face you should prob…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 04:16 PM
-12

Unless someone is some sort of monster serial cheater, cheating is a symptom, not the disease. Dig deep to figure out what’s going on if you want to reconcile. But agree about firm boundaries. People often point to the moment of cheating as the “reason”. Usually it is a breaking wave that started long ago. Distance? Did the sex stop a while ago? Not placing blame on one person or the other but don’t focus on the actual cheating part. Look deeper. I am also poly and don’t understand why anyone wo…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 01:57 PM
25

I met my ex-wife when she was my hot yoga instructor. Fool me twice…
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 03:10 AM
2

OP doesn’t have kids.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 12:28 AM
6

You’ve picked a niche way to live and looking for someone else in the niche. Just be patient. The demographics aren’t going to be in your favor. Just be patient.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 12:27 AM
2

Pre-teens is hard. Easier when they are like 3 or something. But sounds like you have some leads on what to do. Hope you have the most fabulous Xmas.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/25 05:28 PM
1

It’ll go great!
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/25 03:34 AM
3

Helps to know what kind of relationship you are looking for. Do you have kids? Do you want more kids? Do you want these women to eventually be a part of your child(ren)s life? I’m 8 years on. I’ve had nothing but interesting adventures. I’m poly in NYC and presently have a woman I’ve been seeing for three years and one I’ve been seeing for 18 months. Still friends (and even double date) with a woman I dated for five years. Both of my current partners have met and hang out with my kid but neither…
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 05:09 AM
2

How old are your kids and how many Christmases in are you? Agree it can suck but try to leave room in your heart for it to change. Establish new traditions - new dad only traditions.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 03:00 AM
6

It’s 50% time but 100% enjoyable and the kid gets to be 100% themself when with me. Vs It’s 100% time but 0% enjoyable and the kid hates it. Stop comparing against how could it could have been. And start comparing to how bad it could have been
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/25 03:41 AM
3

Kids? Years married? Where are you?
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/25 06:02 PM
1

Different therapies. Different psychiatrist. Different drugs.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 04:34 PM
1

It is time for therapist/psychiatrist/drugs. So many things are worth doing. It isn’t the things, it is you. And that’s ok. Shit’s hard right now. But it’s a perspective change, not the things around you.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 04:03 PM
3

I live in a world where I have woman friends that I also bang. But we hang out and don’t bang. And if we stopped we’d still be friends. Anytime someone drops “Chad” unironically I worry about them. Women, especially ones that are good at sex, like to have sex for fun just like us.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 04:02 PM
1

Your choice is make time or die on the vine in front of your kids. You can’t just live for work and kids. It’s a bad model. You can’t do this. An hour a week is something.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 02:07 PM
1

Mainly tabletop games. Warhammer, Battletech, Trench Crusade, Necromunda. And it’s fun that we have enough of a crew now (70 members) that people have enough other suckers to play more niche things like Gaslands or weird TTRPGs. We’re in Mid-Town manhattan if anyone is a local! https://discord.gg/ndyYsbQacx
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 02:06 PM
5

I do not consider friends with benefits transactional. They are friends. And one of the things that we do together is have sex.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 01:41 PM
1

I hit five years no sex at one point. I promise you folks are out there. Lead with things you want to do for yourself and you’ll attract people. What would be your dream hobby?
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 09:59 PM
1

Say more. What’s up?
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 08:50 PM
5

Excited for the holiday break starting next week. My 11-year-old is with me from this Wednesday until the 28th (except for Xmas eve with mom). I have a non-profit nerd gaming social club and this year we started leasing our own club space. We just had our fourth annual holiday party and both of my partners were able to join (though my kid was sick and had to skip). It’s been nice to get all of us together and integrate our lives more this year. This week I’m looking forward to decompressing from…
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 08:49 PM
1

I wish I knew. I with people approaches couples therapy they way many of us approach personal therapy: it isn’t just for a crisis - it is like working out for your body. Work on your mind just like your body. But most of us end up in couples therapy as a last resort. We first had a couples therapist that thought was really helping both of us understand the different ways we respond to anger, our family history, and how that which party attracted us to each other was a bad feedback loop when we h…
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 05:46 AM
-13

I’m polyamorous. I don’t know why anyone is monogamous. I have many married / cohabitating friends that are also polyamorous for many years. It doesn’t preclude commitment, love, and true partnership. It isn’t for everyone but highly recommend. It can be hard to start conversations but I recommend: -reading books about it. Polysecure is a good start. I haven’t read it but Opening Up comes highly recommended by traditionally partnered people. -understanding that women get laid super easy. The gro…
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/25 04:16 PM
1

Got it. Thanks!
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/25 05:14 PM
1

It’s not there. Maybe use ChatGPT to try to update it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/25 04:53 PM
1

What’s “the main topic”. I don’t see any top level comments with your prompt.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/25 04:19 PM
2

I’d like the know the prompts that generated this response. ChatGPT is just an auto-complete that wants to say what will make you give it the most kudos.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/25 02:12 PM
4

Sure. But why is nothing in United post about your kid? Isn’t your child stuck with the same hard life as her now? Are you doing anything to be there for the kid? You let her take the kids away from a, hopefully loving, dad?
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/25 06:47 PM
8

This sub I mainly for supporting men. But I’ll say I don’t believe in porn addiction. It is some sort of weirdly conservative sexual slant. Personally, I have a tug almost every day. I still have sex four times a week or more. Everyone is different but it’s just an example that lots of porn ≠ lack of IRL interest for all people. And I’m gonna keep it together if I have a romantic evening planned because I care about my partners and want them fulfilled. If he cared, he would show it by better act…
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 04:10 PM
4

I am always pro couples therapy even though people usually end up there as a last resort. I wish couples therapy was more like regular therapy: people did it even when it was just to make a good thing better. The most generous interpretation of her position is that she is uncomfortable and worried talking about things outside therapy won’t go well. The thing I am reading is that she doesn’t want to work on it and then will throw her hands up when therapy doesn’t work. Either way, don’t accuse he…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/25 01:59 PM
-9

Are you really here for help? Or are you just here to whine? What kind of childhood do you want for your kid? This is your home. No court is gonna be ok with an unsolicited or agreed upon tracker in your home. Take it out if it shows up. Tell her to stop sending it but if you are that worried about retaliation just take it out. Less whining and more standing up for yourself so you can model for your children what life they deserve.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/25 06:45 PM
7

Leave the tracker at home. Take the battery out when it shows up. It is your home.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/25 06:01 PM
14

Is this what you would want from your father? Insane.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 08:26 PM
2

Time to get out and work on yourself, friend. You don’t sound like a peach either but the universe starts today and you will have a great future. You need to ask yourself what life you want for your child. This woman sounds toxic as hell and, if I were you, I would be going for 50/50 so I know that my kid has at least of the time in the childhood someone that loves them unconditionally, doesn’t weaponized their relationship with the other parent, and give them a space to be themselves. Talk to y…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 12:35 PM
1

I think about these things in terms of the bottom line, not line items. You wanna poke a bear and pay a lawyer if she gets nasty? How much would that cost vs. splitting the nanny. How much would splitting the nanny cost vs. child support if she came for that? Child support seems easy to go back for an adjustment on since she has most parenting time. It sounds like you got off light. I would just do some of those maths and then decide if you want to say no. Or use it to leverage more parenting ti…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 01:45 PM
1

So the courts agreed to $0 child support when you have less than 50/50?
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 04:53 AM
3

Godspeed. As a divorced man, who I would say is living a much better life than when married, I am still “Team Reconciliation”. It can work. However, just some standard advice since there are kids: do not, under any circumstances, move out of the house without a custody order in place.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/25 02:22 PM
3

I’d also suggest talking to her if this is gonna be a more regular thing. Explain the situation, that she’s the first since divorce, that you’re excited but in your own head. A good one will understand and a great one will consider it a challenge she’s gonna win. I had my own hard time finishing until I got a vasectomy. The anxiety of accidentally ending up with two coparents, one of them a rando, was making it anxiety inducing.
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/25 06:04 AM
9

My opinion is this person took so much and caused such strife I’m not going to let her retroactively take the good memories as well. This good memories are mine. And I shall not let anything she does also steal THOSE from me. Deleting them is forever. I could never do it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/25 09:25 PM
6

The to me sounds like solo poly. Nothing wrong with any of this. Folks change. Maybe someone that wanted to get married in 20s now finds themselves wanting to bang it out in 40s. Folks change.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 08:27 PM
3

1000%. I had to play this same game for a year. Staying put is the only path to full or 50/50 custody.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 01:08 PM
5

I think in person meeting is coming back into the culture and as an 41 year old old guy I’m into it. Unfortunately for the polyamory thing, dating apps is a good way to not waste anyone’s time. Chatting up someone in the grocery store to then hope they are that small percentage of people that live like this isn’t gonna have high yield for me. And I don’t like to be anyone’s “first” or “teacher” on how to be ethically non-monogamous. I just don’t have the capacity at this moment.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 04:09 AM
6

Yeah I’m not into sex parties or “partnered” people with hierarchical open arrangements (like a married couple but they each date separately or swingers). It’s just too much for me and doesn’t elicit a lot of organic passion. Hinge and OK Cupid have good filters for non-monogamy. I specifically look for “solo poly” or “relationship anarchist” stated in their profiles. Those women tend to be most aligned with how I live and my values. I keep my radius 5 miles and have a “no Brooklyn” rule and I’v…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 03:57 AM
1

I don’t consider “getting back into relationships” and “finding a good wife” the same thing. Wives are not the goal for all. Meaningful, long term relationships without marriage ever being on the table are out there.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 03:49 AM
1

Because every 6 thinks he deserves a 9.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 03:47 AM
-1

A lot of women have made me “see the face of God” and none of them have been “super religious conservative girls”.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 03:46 AM
10

I never go on dates where we don’t split things and I just lean in to being polyamorous. Win/win for me. Less pressure to be someone’s “everything”. Less pressure to integrate families. Have now been seeing some people several years and they mean a lot. Incredible support, incredible fun, incredible sex, and incredible trust. It’s been great. (I’m in Manhattan and have been doing polyamory for about five years. Divorced in 2018.) I just don’t consider it a zero-sum game.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 03:44 AM
9

The kids came before the new wife. They didn’t choose to be here. You owe it to them to be there for them. Don’t move away. They’ll be dealing with the abandonment forever. When I make choices about my kid I often think “is this going to make this kid a worse parent to my grandchildren?”
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 04:44 PM
3

Good times are good times. I like looking at them every once and while. She tried to take a lot of stuff but I’m not gonna let her or me let her take my good memories, too.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/25 02:10 AM
5

I know an older couple (parents of a 50 year old friend) that divorced while she was in middle school and got back together after being divorced 10ish years or so. They’re now been together decades. She jokes she was real pissed because she had to live the childhood of a kid with toxic divorced parents and now they love each other. With billions of people, the most unlikely stuff will work from time to time. But don’t do it.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 11:53 AM
2

Wait which one is it. Is it “she thinks feminism is stupid”? Or is it “she’s a true feminist”? Sounds like she’s a feminist. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_true_Scotsman
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/25 12:20 AM
2

She sounds like a feminist but maybe she’s scared of the spooky word.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/25 12:14 AM
1

I would love to know how often people that think this are getting laid. Is it a lot? Is it good sex? I only date feminists. I’m poly and live in NYC. I go to sex parties (full of feminists), I have two regular girlfriends of multiple years (both feminists - we split every check), i have casual hookups with feminist after feminist. Unrelated: 10/10 username
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 10:49 PM
2

Was I unclear? I don’t think women are being discriminated against in divorce court. I think men are. My first sentence calls out “bias against men in courts”. And your comments about the differences between groups while allowing for the unique expression of individuals is exactly in line with my point. When the court system views men and women as classes only one way it is a net-negative for men. But I think men being persecuted in family courts is a weird side effect of a larger culture that i…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 10:47 PM
-1

This is a total “All Lives Matter” argument.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 10:25 PM
9

My hot take is that the bias against men in the courts is a byproduct of a misogynistic culture. When we collectively view women as less than, view parenting as “women’s work”, and make being a successful businesswoman more challenging than being a businessman (either through bias, assumptions about childcare responsibilities, and horrible paid family leave policies) then one side effect is good men that want to be involved in their children’s lives and don’t want to be robbed via alimony get f*…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 03:02 PM
3

I have two girlfriends and am spending it alone even though I adore them. Because Valentine’s Day is amateur hour and neither of them would want to do anything on a such a day anyway! Stay strong out there!
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 10:18 PM
2

I’m 41 and date age appropriate. All of us have battle scars. I can’t expect anyone not to have baggage or drama in their past. I just make sure to protect my kid from any of it. Crazy exes are a whole thing though!
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/25 04:20 PM
1

Nah. I’m a feminist. But I center my child feeling secure in their childhood. And I place that above the risk of putting them and other children through a potential second divorce/ loss of a beloved adult because I break up with someone. Kids and dating separate until they are adults.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/25 04:18 PM
1

Find like minded women to date. Be patient. You’ll find them. They will be awesome. If you are done having kids, get a vasectomy, bring it up early. Put no kids in your profile. Good moms won’t want a guy involved in their kids’ lives because they will follow the advice of OP as well. And who wants to date a bad mom? Women that don’t want children won’t want to be in your children’s life. You can still be intimate and have a meaningful thing without involving children. I am poly and currently ha…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/25 05:15 AM
2

I think one thing helpful is to think about the divorce, spousal/child support, % split of what you pay for things like insurance/activities, AND lawyer fees as a bottom line. Some of the line items are going to be unfair. But fighting them can also expensive. And getting hung up on them when the overall bottom line cost buys you your freedom is a path to resentment. So look for places you can win easily to keep the bottom line lower. And find a good lawyer that will efficiently push back agains…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 03:35 PM
6

The find yourself part, yeah. This for “no fault” divorce makes sense. I have several stay-at-home dad friends. And there is a reality to giving up career “for the family unit”. I wouldn’t want them to be trapped just like I don’t want anyone to be trapped. I just want it to apply equally to all genders. And not bankrupt the other person. There is a middle path here, but courts haven’t found it yet.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 03:32 PM
1

Good luck, man. You got this. Don’t know where you live but I’ll issue the standard advice for men who want to keep at least 50/50 much less go for more and that’s don’t move out until custody is in place with courts. It is your home, too. Gives up your leverage and looks to the courts like you don’t care about kids.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/24 12:00 PM
2

Would love that! Thanks for the support. So far love and time seem to working… but things work until they don’t. Kid does have a shrink I like. I have been doing my own work with a shrink for about 13 years. Thank god I had him during this whole thing.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 02:05 PM
2

We’ve reached a detente. There is no coparenting. Just parallel parenting 50/50. If we fill two pages of communication a year I’d be shocked. She had not healed at all. It makes it challenging for my ten-year old to process the reality of being with me vs. the presentation of my by mom as a monster. He is starting to figure it out. Recently he told me that mom “says he is a narcissist that only is nice to her when he wants to get something”, that “I just think he’s a good person” but I don’t rea…
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 01:59 PM
5

I married my yoga teacher and now we’re divorced and the divorce and coparenting has been freaking rough. So YMMV on yoga instructors lol
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 12:46 AM
3

Ah, sorry. I missed that you had a kid in this post. You got this.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/24 09:50 PM
5

Just because it doesn’t end in death doesn’t mean it was a failure. And you should be damn proud of how hard you were willing to work for her, you, and “the marriage”. It isn’t a failure to have cared so much. But also, life is long. What a fun new beginning. And a “clean” break as much as it can be with no kids or grandkids in the picture. Some of us will be linked the rest of our lives through our children.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/24 08:41 PM
1

Why do you even need to understand? If you can’t think how the definitions could apply then I say move on. You have bigger problems. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/24 03:45 PM
1

That’s not knowable without more info. Forget you ever heard the term (but understanding it is one google search away). It’s a stupid label. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/24 02:20 AM
3

You can’t get kicked out of the house unless she tries to frame you and get a restraining order. Dads need to stay in the home until their lawyer says it is ok and a parenting schedule is in place with the court / lawyers saying ok. It is your only leverage. Do not look for work in anticipation of this divorce. You are the stay at home parent. You should be getting child support, courts may make you get a job later and also you should for your own health, but don’t change the finances now. Edit …
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/24 10:04 PM
5

If I am in a bad mood, I can always channel the joy I felt any time I heard her keys in the door. For years I was just so excited for her to come home. That moment is palpable in my memory. What a bummer that sound later turned into “oh shit, better be on best behavior so I don’t fuck this up and make her mad”. But I’m not going to let that take away the joy of that memory.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/24 06:19 PM
2

You need to get into the sex party / poly / kink community. I don’t know you live, but here in NYC there are lots of private sex party groups and it is easier for single women to get into them. Steer towards ones that are queer welcoming and you’ll avoid more toxicity. People at these things are basically fucking nerds but their hobby is amazing sex. Most of them have an orientation and consent agreement. I personally, don’t really dig the everyone watching part, however, it is usually at its co…
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/24 03:28 PM
2

I don’t know how to check but we filled one of these out in 2018 with alternate tastes listed until 2024 https://www.irs.gov/forms-pubs/about-form-8332
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/24 02:06 AM
2

It depends on the woman, but moving away from your kid(s) may also be a red flag for potential new women. Not that I try to be a good dad to get laid, but I know my parenting is one of the things people I date see as a green flag. Independent on whether or not that’s the best choice for your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/24 08:24 PM
2

I haven’t had an issue so far. I understand they design an inferior experience to cajole me into paying. I appreciate the serendipity of it. Paying to push a like to a woman (who can already see all of her likes if she herself is paying) just isn’t something I want to do and is also just queuing up with a bunch of other men doing the same. If she likes me organically and then we match, it’s on. Disclaimer that may color the experience of my numbers game: I’m in Manhattan. I have no idea what thi…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/24 07:35 PM
3

Focusing on women my age or older has definitely made for a better time.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/24 06:45 PM
5

My ex and I are not friendly. It was bloody and I’m lucky I pulled off 50/50 much less staying out jail. That being said, the happier and more successful she is, the better mom she is to my kid and the better his childhood is going. I’m incapable of being jealous.l because she has something I don’t have. When I don’t have enough of what I need or want, I’m bummed, but it is entirely independent of her. I echo some advice here which is find some hobbies and things you enjoy absent trying to find …
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/24 06:43 PM
3

Meh, if someone likes me they’ll like me on their own.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/24 06:39 PM
3

This is great and good for you. It’s important to realize that for most women that are fun to spend time with, regardless of how attractive they themselves are, they really don’t care what we look like. (Shallow women of course do… and same thing for money.) I find more they just want us to look like we take care of ourselves, actually do healthy things, and then it is 95% our personality.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/24 06:39 PM
3

It reduces the risk, especially if paired with being aware of outbreaks and not doing anything with someone if you are having a flare up. It won’t make the risk zero. But the context is a person on the drug, aware they are carrying, and aware of there outbreaks is in many ways safer than all the people out there who don’t even know they are having an outbreak or spreading it without symptoms.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 12:49 PM
4

While all that sucks, one in six Americans (not sure if you are American, but I am) have herpes. Talk to a dermatologist and get on an Rx. I dated a lady with herpes for five years and she was on Valtrex. She disclosed to me before we slept with each other and I actually had a chat my dermatologist. His position was it was safer to be with her than randos who have it and are spreading it, but don’t know they have it and sometimes don’t even have symptoms. Obviously, none of that matters given so…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 12:27 AM
1

She might be equally unhappy. Monogamish companionate marriages are a thing. You can open things up without it being about rejecting each other. Why people are monogamist I’ll never understand. People can “stay married for the kids” without resenting each other and without denying their physical needs. I’d do this under the tutelage of a therapist with experience in it. Don’t be surprised if it is hard for you to get laid while your wife drowns in dick. It’s part of it. It may also reinvigorate …
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/24 06:02 PM
1

To me, the math is just: is my kid going to have a better life with more of me in it or less of me in it? Is my kid going to be a better person with more of me in it or less of me in it? Sounds like leaving your kid solely to her is gonna be worse than the kid than the unfair and horrible 8 days a month. After being what I would consider the primary day in/day out caregiver, my wife was going for supervised visits of my three year old at the time. I had to fight tooth and nail, eventually we cau…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 11:24 PM
9

Absolutely. 6 years divorced. Happened maybe 2-3 years ago. I went from staying alive to living. For me, it was like a death, so I’ll always have my moments of grief and joy from remembering good times. But that doesn’t mean I’m not healed. Now I constantly feel like if I was still married, I’d be missing out on this amazing life. Fun and fulfilling romantic partnerships, single parenting 50/50 is way more fulfilling to do it 100% on my own terms with full days off to recharge, and looking at my…
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/23 03:37 PM
6

It’s a toughy. Unless you think your absence will change her, or unless you think being in her and her child’s life will drain you (emotionally, financially, etc.), I imagine your daughter and grandchild will have a better life with all that shit + you than just all that shit. Hang in there dude.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/23 11:51 PM
6

Hinge where I live is full of women in their 30s who needed to get married YESTERDAY and that’s their own mission. I also haven’t had great luck except for one real winner.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/23 04:16 AM
15

I’m 39, in Manhattan (this changes numbers a lot), and divorced six years ago with 50/50 parenting time. I’m poly and have been dating two women long term plus whatever dates. I’ve been seeing one I met on OK Cupid for five years and one I met on Hinge for about year. OK Cupid is my favorite. 1) Answer hundreds of the OK Cupid questions. Just do a few a day until you get there. They match you based on your question preferences. 2) If someone is 90% match, swipe right. Don’t even look at the prof…
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/23 04:14 AM
22

1) lawyer up regardless. Protection is just being smart. My lawyer told me he has had many clients that reconcile after the point of hiring him and he hasn’t seen them again (who knows if still together) 1) reality: probably doesn’t matter. Relationships should never include “do whatever they want”. If that’s her starting point, Godspeed.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/23 05:25 PM
0

Gonna second the other commenter here. You are young. Focus on opening your mind and improving yourself and you’ll do great and find happiness. Don’t get married to punch a checkbox. It doesn’t have to be marriage and it doesn’t even have to be one long term partner.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/23 02:12 PM
6

Amazing and thanks all for the support here
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/23 11:19 PM
5

I’m amazed why people just hop back into the same LTR paradigm? I divorces five years ago and I live in NYC with 50/50 custody of my 9 year old. I am poly. I have two steady women I date. One of them we’ve been dating 4 years. Another about a year (this one I truly have “love” feelings for. Both of them have their own other partners and their own lives. We know cohabitation is never on the table. It affords me 100% focus on my kid when I’m in dad mode. And my favorite part about people who do th…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/23 05:41 PM
5

Fuck. Hugs man.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/23 04:10 PM
4

I am poly so this doesn’t quite apply. But back when monogamous I had a saying “you should never decide if you like someone unless you are already getting laid regularly somewhere else”. This advice applies to all genders and sexualities. It is very easy to confuse sexual intimacy after a long dry spell for someone actually being a good match. Better to already be satisfied and then you can see if you really like the person. Plus there is no reason to rush at that point… (this is all above board…
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/23 11:23 PM
9

I think it is 100% ok for her to ask this. And 100% ok for you to nope the fuck out of there because you find it unreasonable. That’s the joy of consent. My advice is move on. Can do it politely, and compliment filled, stating that even though she’s amazing that’s not what you are looking for. If that ever changes on your end you’ll look her up. And vice versa.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/23 05:38 PM
2

This is a false dichotomy. The choice is not binary solitude vs. a wife. Also, it is crazy heteronormative (though most of us here are here because of pretty standard man v. woman divorces) and assumes monogamy. This might be 100% true for you given who you are, but I would never make a blanket statement like this. And make sure to not sell yourself short.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/23 03:19 PM
1

Leaving is the number one way to lose 50/50 of your kid. Do not leave until 50/50 is in place in writing and courts approve.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/23 09:36 PM
2

Nope. And this isn’t even my final form.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/23 08:49 PM
1

Also, if she is a friend of a friend, wouldn’t your friend have hipped her to your status? She probably already knows. Or you could ask your mutual friend if she already knows.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/23 08:21 PM
1

Year 1 after divorce it felt like disclosing I was gay or something. Year 5 after divorce I mention it like I mention I’m from Missouri. Who cares. If she cares, not worth your time. If someone was in a 10 year relationship, but not married, I wouldn’t expect them to “disclose” that. It would just come up in our getting to know each other. It would impact who she is. It would impact how she treats new partners. Same with my divorce. Divorce isn’t a black stain. I’m 39. If you are out here dating…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/23 06:19 PM
3

Lots of us are here because our exes made up a bunch of BS about domestic abuse and violence… what sucks is the women who have chosen to lie about it really hurt the women who actually have suffered from it. I would be a millionaire if every time I was able to make a bet on the gender of the killer in a domestic violence murder, I bet man. Not gonna win every bet, of course - we should probably be googling, too. “Eight in ten murderers who killed a family member were male. Males were 83% of spou…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/23 09:41 PM
2

Godspeed. I also meant to add I probably view 200+ profiles before I get a match. Message response rate is maybe 30%. First date maybe 1 in 2,000 profiles? That’s why until a match I’m barely looking at them. Truly a numbers game if you are doing online dating. Don’t get hung up on anybody before it becomes a real thing. Best real world approach is find events where you’d meet people who are into similar stuff. Rock climbing and university talks for me.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 02:50 PM
1

I’m 39 in Manhattan. Will never be monogamous again and consider myself solo-poly or a “relationship anarchist”. That being said, the connections are deeper with some people than many married men I know. One person I’ve been seeing for four years and she’s amazing - but she is also poly, we will never cohabitate, she has no interest (nor I) in meeting my kid… If you want to date me, I already have a bunch of “red flags”: divorced, has a kid, doesn’t want more kids, non-monogamy, will never get m…
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 12:28 PM
2

Sounds like you are doing everything right. Hang in there. Took 9 months fighting this kind of nonsense to get a temporary 50/50 parenting schedule ordered so I could move out. Hang in there. Such a shame and a waste.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 04:37 AM
10

Pot, meet kettle.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 04:33 AM
2

regular companionship ≠ marriage
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/23 08:42 PM
2

In NYC I pay $1k a month child support even though 50/50 parenting time. I’ve been told by multiple lawyers I “got off light”. It isn’t a good system if wife wants to go for blood. But better than losing my kid!
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/23 05:58 PM
1

Never ever ever move out without court agreement in place. She can say 50/50 all she wants now. And then after moving out she can go for full custody, or file a protection order. Speak to several lawyers before you do anything. She can leave the kids with you if she wants space.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/23 05:57 PM
5

If you need to be dating other people to feel a spark for life, you aren’t ready to make good choices in that domain or have something to give the people you are dating. There are other types of connections out there: friends, hobbies, family. 6 months is not a long time. Divorce battle 2017-2018. Finalized 2018. 2022 one of my greatest years, but 2018-2020 barely felt like living. I also strongly suggest therapy. It’s amazing. Going to the gym for your spirit and mind. This may actually be depr…
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/23 03:17 PM
1

Good for you for hanging in there for yourself and your kids!
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/23 09:47 PM
2

This 100% of kids are involved. Best advice I ever received and only reason I ended up with 50/50 despite hijinks.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/23 09:46 PM
1

Trying to get a new home so she can take it from you.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/23 09:45 PM
2

A vasectomy really helped me. Took away the fear of an oopsie.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/23 12:55 AM
5

Hear hear
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/22 12:10 AM
2

Here for it
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/22 02:42 PM
2

I think living in Manhattan helps. In the type of women available and just the numbers game. I can be specific for what I’m looking for because there are so many people.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/22 04:03 PM
3

38 NYC. I’ve found many great women to date. I have been dating one person for four years. Non-monogamous, will never cohabitate, and she isn’t gonna meet my kid until he is way older. She’s been an amazing friend. See each other about 1x a week. I also have a steady friends with benefits situation with a person I’ve known 20 years who lives out of state. And then random dates from time to time. Don’t really have the capacity for something more serious. If you research polyamory the practice inc…
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/22 03:53 PM
5

1) No kids. No matter what, don’t make kids. 2) your feelings are 100% valid and not your fault. 3) it sounds like you may have lost yourself a bit in service of her. Some people give more than is asked for. If you are well off, do you really need to be working 60+ hours a week, and running, and date nights, and chores. When do you sleep? What are YOUR passions and YOUR hobbies and YOUR goals. If you wife is as great as she says, she would want to help you with these. You denying yourself them w…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/22 10:06 PM
5

I only date people casually (even if long term casually and they become dear friends), I’m polyamorous, and I’m snipped. Advantages of single moms under this paradigm: -They are also super busy, so they understand that I am also busy, and that when we hang we are gonna fucking make it count. -They are fun to talk to about parenting because they get it. Non-parents I don’t really talk about my kid much but honestly my kid is the most fun and interesting part of my life. Non-parents indulge me whe…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/22 07:30 PM
2

That’s wonderful. My one advice would be even if it is amicable, it should be in writing, maybe through a mediator and then signed off by a judge. An honest person will always sign a contract in addition to a handshake. A lot of people are here because it was friendly at the start and then something happened that made the ex start going back on what she originally said. Maybe she had drinks with the wrong girlfriend who made her feel entitied, maybe three years later you get a new girlfriend and…
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/22 05:52 AM
1

Does this mean you aren’t going to be in your son’s life? Securing the access to your son would be paramount to me. There is no real “starting over” when you have the responsibilities of being a father. A child who has two good parents deserves both of them. If you willingly aren’t in his life that’s going to mess him up, his future relationships, and his possible future kids.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/22 01:44 AM
3

That you did/do the hard work of having a therapist in your corner puts your miles ahead. Gonna be hard but you got this.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/22 11:33 PM
1

Pro move
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/22 01:18 AM
0

We were in couples therapy. For context I identify as white and my ex-wife identifies as black. I can’t remember what I had said in therapy that preceded this, and wish I did, but the following exchange went as such: Ex-wife: of course you’d think that, you’re racist and sexist. Me: what? What if I said that about my blonde white wife? Ex-wife: Then it’s just sexist. Me: What if I said it about my gay husband? Ex-wife: then you’d just be an asshole. At that moment I knew we were past ever findin…
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/22 11:31 PM
5

Just in case you didn’t get the message-Don’t leave until custody agreement is signed off in court. Sometimes things are amicable until they aren’t… hope for the best and plan for the worst. Plenty of posts here proving that out. Hoping it stays amicable the whole time and into your future coparenting relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/22 02:19 AM
7

I’m divorced 50/50 custody. Highly contentious. I don’t expect that from my ex and any new partner. I would never think she was owed meeting any of my new partners or people I introduce to my child. I think I’m a good dad and good coparent. So just a reminder “right thing to do” is subjective. Though I do not share your opinion that one should expect to meet new partners before they meet my kid, I would not be frustrated if my ex-wife asked for this. Sometimes the best way to get what you want t…
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/22 12:20 PM
2

Good job prioritizing your kid. So sad to hear. You got this. I think the way to convince the kid it isn’t their fault is partially to just keep loving them unconditionally and make sure however this ends up you are in their life 50/50 at least. Older kid might get a bit more of a say in who they stay with. But the mindfuck of unconditionally loving a parent when that parent is being vindictive is hard on a kid. We are programmed to love our parent (there is a horrible video of a young kid who w…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/22 01:59 PM
2

Nothing is “always”. Every person is different. I will say that you two are children. Maybe in Louisiana this is the age people start marrying and pairing off. But for someone to become a “stay-at-home” girlfriend at 21? No. Absolutely not. Both of you need your own lives in order to have a good life together. Too young to be thinking about these choices. You may think your life has started or hit some sort of stride, but it is just beginning. 25 year old you will be radically different than 21.…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/22 12:40 PM
3

I’ve been seeing the same therapist for 10 years. He’s pretty quiet about himself, of course, but I’ve put a biography together. He’s for sure in his 80s. Age 0-20ish - Born and raised in Kansas/Missouri Age 20-50ish - Raised four kids in Vermont Age 50-65ish - Lived in Nepal as an expat Age 65-now - moved to NYC to be an artist on the side If we take care of ourselves and enjoy it, life can be long. Soon, your former marriage will just have been one of many phases of your life. Don’t let it def…
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/22 07:16 PM
1

Broad generalizations are dangerous. I would say for me: pre-marriage, during marriage, and post-marriage some of my very best friends have been and remain women. Romantically, not only is marriage not for me, monogamy isn’t for me. Polyamory seems to attract interesting people. And the communication skills required man the connections are deeper, even if sometimes difficult or fleeting.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/22 11:29 PM
2

One thing I wish wasn’t in the settlement: too many explicitly named holidays for special parenting time. I think it was just boilerplate but I don’t like having to accommodate a bunch of little holidays (Columbus Day, MLK Day, etc.) I would rather that just be whomever is already getting parenting time that day. I also wish the holiday weekends were included instead of the day. Meaning Memorial Day Weekend Friday to Monday. Not just Memorial Day itself.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/22 04:17 PM
1

I live in NYC. My kid goes to a $60k school on scholarship. Even at $120k for their two kinds they would have a combined $100k+ after taxes to live on.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/22 02:15 PM
7

You lawyer up before you tell her anything. That’s step 1.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/22 12:49 AM
2

Therapy and then pills. I find it useful when my talk therapist is also my psychiatrist so I have a single point of care. Without anti-anxiety meds and then anti-depressants I don’t think I would have been able to make it. It softened all the edges, allowed the racing thoughts to stop so I could sleep, and freed up just enough emotional energy to actually be a functioning human being. Divorce was initiated 2017 and finalized in 2018. Coparenting has been very contentious and CPS nonsense was sti…
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/22 11:40 AM
1

That all sounds like you wanted to know how she got into the chat. Use words better. If you don’t want people chiming in on something you post on a public forum, use DM.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/22 01:24 PM
1

You asked how it panned out. Does that not mean how she ended up in the chat?
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/22 01:14 PM
5

It’s obvious it bothers you and the feeling is valid. You can just say no without explanation. You don’t owe anyone that. If you explain your reasoning, get ready for her to change the relationship with the guy so that he checks new boxes and “qualifies”. You may trigger an escalation oh his involvement in your kids’ lives you didn’t want. You should also wonder if this guy is gonna be around for 10 years if you wanna start the quad coparenting with a contentious interaction. You made the choice…
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/22 12:45 PM
3

The question was why you current wife ended up in the chat at all? Who initiated adding her? Why would your exes new partner logically be any different? Seems you set up a precedent.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/22 11:39 AM
3

I think logically if your wife is in the chat then you’ve lost a bit of reason to argue against her partner being in the chat. You could go back to just you and ex. How and why did you end up with a three person chat to begin with? While I would never want a group chat, I will say this about my sister who has a four-person group chat going with her ex and the new partners: Her ex-husbands new wife being in the chat keeps the ex-husband from being an asshole. He has to keep up appearances and tha…
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/22 11:38 AM
10

The percentage of salary is what matters to me. I’m not crying a river for people making $250k paying $60k. I’m sad for our brothers making $30k paying $10k.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/22 08:28 PM
0

The percentage of salary is what matters to me. I’m not crying a river for people making $250k paying $60k. I’m sad for our brothers making $30m paying $10.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/22 08:27 PM
-3

Good luck with this and you are a good dad.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/22 11:28 PM
5

If you are balking at $150 for a consult, you aren’t ready for this. A bad lawyer will cost you more by the time this is done.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/22 04:30 PM
1

I guess it’s a verbiage issue. I consider both parties agreeing to a settlement “middle ground”. Not “fair”. We agree.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/22 03:40 AM
3

You got this. Some people have wonderful mediation stories. Most of us are here because our divorces sucked, so a lot of us had mediation break down after months of work and it put a sour taste in our mouths. Thankfully my ex was out for blood from day one so I didn’t have to mess with mediation… And don’t think that type of language NOT being in the agreement will spare you from harassment. If your ex decides to go nuts she can just call anonymously to Child Services every few months saying she…
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/22 09:06 PM
3

Realize anything you say can just be used against you, not for you. Mediation is finding a middle ground of what each party wants. If she wants to “discuss” drug use, then the response is “what are you proposing to put in the agreement”? And then the mediator or she can write it up and you can say yes or no to that proposal. This isn’t therapy.
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/22 07:43 PM
16

5-6 years out myself. The first couple of years for me were darker and more depressing than my failing marriage. Depression hole on the couch any time I didn’t have the kid with me. The most recent two years are brighter and more fulfilling than 99% of my marriage. And the other 1% was just naïveté and being high on young love. You’ll get there. It won’t be easy and, unfortunately, the most important ingredient is time. Which we have no control over. You got this.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/22 03:11 PM
15

So sorry about your son. Have to stay strong with the boundaries. Especially if his time left is limited. You didn’t mention age, but stability is what kids need. Not the illusion that parents will get back together. Don’t get her pregnant.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/22 01:51 AM
13

You have to get back in the house tomorrow. If this is how she is starting the divorce, she will make it worse and worse. Comb the sub here. You’ll see staying in the home, documentation, and legal recording is essential. She’s trying to to start parental alienate tactics on day one. You got this. It’s a mind fuck, but you got this.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/22 12:33 AM
1

Can you hip me to what “LLW” and “HLM” mean?
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/22 10:55 PM
1

I think lots of people happy with their marriage have hit 8 months no sex after a baby and it still turned around. That being said… the last time I had sex with my ex-wife was before she tested pregnant. Sexless marriage from that point forward. Finalized the divorce and I slept with someone new just before the 5-year no sex mark. Five years is a long time. Don’t get trapped hoping it will turn around.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/22 08:35 PM
1

Postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis are real. Not easy to get a person to acknowledge it and get the help they need, but it’s possible. I have a friend who suffered from postpartum psychosis and her stories are terrifying. That being said, my own relationship with my ex-wife started to fall apart post baby and it was not postpartum. I am glad I tried to explore options to make it work, but also wish I had realized it was hopeless 18 months sooner.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/22 08:09 PM
1

I consider alcoholism a desease. One where one of the inherent symptoms is not wanting to get treatment. No different than mental health issue… …however, just like any other mental health issue there are limits to how much you can let it destroy your own life. Do you want children? Do you want them with an alcoholic? I wouldn’t want them with someone cursed with PBD or schizophrenia. I wouldn’t “abandon” them without first seeing if we could get them in treatment and on a path where we have a fu…
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/22 12:58 AM
1

No.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/22 04:32 PM
6

When I was struggling early on in divorce my therapist (who’s a psychiatrist) prescribed sleeping pills. I would use them on nights my child wasn’t with me. The brain needs a rest. Later, we went on a couple other of anti-anxiety meds instead of sleeping pills. Taking the edge off eliminated the need for a sleep aid. Now that I’m on the other side, I’m completely off meds. Not everyone views pharmaceuticals positively, but I think they are an amazing achievement. I’m going to use every tool avai…
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/22 01:04 PM
3

I know her stealing your half is $33k and it seems like a lot, but is is closer to $0 than real money. Don’t give the lawyers (especially hers) more money to get it back. Writing it off will cost you less overall. Just get freedom. Focus on limiting the long term alimony and making sure it is based on her potential earnings. 3.5% unemployment. Fuck that lady.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/22 06:50 PM
2

Talk with your lawyer but the timing might be important when getting the ball rolling. May be problematic to file stuff when you are living out of state.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/22 07:31 PM
2

Hell yeah!!
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/22 07:30 PM
3

You have to play chess, not checkers. You got this. Patience.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/22 01:16 PM
7

She’s “calculating” as well. Free money for zero cost to her. I get wanted to spend it while here. If it really is just math based then some of the math just starts with these variables to explain to her: -date you want to retire -years left to live -amount you want to spend each year This will give you how much you need to save up. Basically 25x your annual spending. If she is spending 100% of that then you are screwed. This seems salvageable maybe.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/22 02:24 PM
47

If you are already spending everything that comes in at $440k a year, then the problem would still be happening if you made $660k a year. And the math is the same if you make only $44k a year. More money isn’t always the answer. Spending less than you make is the answer. In what way could you possible be “restrictive” if you are already letting her spend every penny you make? That means “less restrictive” means going into debt even though you make (and already have in assets) what many people wo…
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/22 01:19 PM
3

Most of us will always have a big or little part of us that still love our exes. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. But don’t fall for it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/22 08:37 PM
4

These are always great to hear!
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/22 04:53 PM
36

The therapist will help, but the progress will be like lifting weights. It won’t be obvious week to week, but it will be obvious when you compare yourself in two years to yourself now. If you can find a lawyer you trust, you can get luck and get this stuff overturned. Not only does she not miss you, she’ll never miss you. This is reality. But what is ALSO reality is the next 10 years of your life are going to be better than if you had stayed together. Just these first couple years are gonna be f…
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/22 08:28 PM
5

Shut the fuck up. I’m sorry. I cannot believe the amount of suffering people are willing to put others through during a divorce. Not to mention your damn kids. Hope things are on turning around
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 08:51 PM
42

Could you ever imagine a world where 10 years from now you think back and go “Remember that time I asked a divorce support forum if my entitled, negative, controlling, and jealous girlfriend was worth it? I’m glad I stuck it out and now she’s the most loving person in the world!”? Fantasy land. Dump her and date the other person. You are gonna put up with all this nonsense because you think “great looking” is that much better than “good looking”? Let me tell ya man, when the mortgage is due, the…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 05:27 PM
1

Do you have kids? Because if so, the “relationship” isn’t over with this person. Don’t kick the hornets nest and get her to do more nonsense to affect your kids’ health or your access to them. Otherwise, while this doesn’t seem like it would actually be healing, go nuts man.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 03:49 PM
6

The biggest advice you’ll get here is do not move out of that house until a settlement regarding parenting time / custody is agreed upon. Leaving before things are settled will appear as abandonment and establish a “new normal” of just seeing dad on the weekends. It is also your only leverage to get a fair settlement. gotta hang in there. You got this.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 03:27 AM
4

I have a couple of friends who used mediators to great success. A lawyer needs to be involved in some way though. Most of us on this sub have had horrible experiences with our exes. We came here because the ex was out for blood and the system isn’t fair.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/22 05:35 AM
2

If you don’t have major assets then whatever amount you are frustrated about isn’t going to be worth it. Move on and heal. Congrats!
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/22 04:52 AM
16

Get a lawyer, don’t cheap out - not the kind of thing you want the cheapest of. You’re lucking out it is only five years and no kids - no child support and probably no alimony. This will be painless compared to most divorces in this sub. Don’t get caught up in “line items” think about the bottom line. Don’t get litigious over the dog or over a percentage of retirement - think about the total cost of the whole thing (assets and lawyer fees) and minimize that total cost. You got this!
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 10:38 PM
2

Fucking crazy. Hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/22 11:40 AM
1

Good points. Stuck in it.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/22 03:27 AM
1

That’s hard.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/22 07:40 PM
3

What’s the percentage of your income? That’s the metric I’m interested in.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/22 04:06 PM
2

Oof yeah we need that percentage. What happened? That sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/22 04:05 PM
3

The dollar amount is meaningless. It is the %. My gross is $150k/year and I pay $10,200. 6.8%. To paraphrase Chris Rock: If you make $20M and you have to pay her half, you’re doing alright. If you make $30k and she wants 15, you may have to kill her. https://youtu.be/XAmeW8bq08k Unless your royally screwed up, if your child support is $5k a month, at the end of the day you have a lot more money to take care of yourself and your kids than a lot of men on here.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/22 04:04 PM
8

You aren’t wrecking her. You will be a better father if after this you have the means to continue caring for your kid. You need to go for custody, 50/50 parenting time, child support, alimony, and 50% of all assets including retirement counts. That’s what is fair. You got this. Get a lawyer yesterday. Meet with at least three, more if you can swing it. A critical decision.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/22 02:15 PM
9

I think the “in front of the kid” part is the only part they’ll care about. Hopefully you have documentation of that. Good job fighting the good fight! Sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 04:47 PM
1

I'm a big fan of OK Cupid. The clutch is that you answer all of these questions about your own opinions and the opinions you are looking for in the other person. Answer hundreds of them. They then match you. I don't care what a person looks like, I'm not swiping "yes" on you unless you are a 99% match. And honestly, even if I don't think you are super cute, I'll still swipe "yes" if you are a 99% match. Because you are probably cool. The questions can be anything from "I like playing video games…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 04:14 PM
5

The waiting game can be the hardest part. Just try not to lose your shit so it can’t be used against you. Total nonsense and sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 03:51 PM
2

Hang in there man. My lawyer successfully fought off multiple attempts at protective orders and her crazy claims in the motions she would file. It was too much for me to take, but he had an answer for everything and we got them all dismissed. Do you have a lawyer? Usually there is a court date to see if the order is valid. In my experience that happened within a week of it being issued. Until then I don’t think there is anything you can do. And in the room, I don’t think I could have represented…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 03:46 PM
2

Agree - women I date don’t want me to only pay for dinner or anything. We swap or go Dutch.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 01:18 PM
3

I love that you used the word “strange”. I’m 38 and definitely didn’t think about the age component. Good point. I’m also in Manhattan - where many women in their thirties and forties are still childless and career driven. Almost every first time parent in my kid’s grade is 10-15 years older than me. I remember when my ex-wife and I had our kid when I was 30 and she was 33 people looked at us like we were teenagers that had a condom break. I think the demographics and population makes it easier …
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 01:15 PM
9

It can come out of nowhere and be 100% made up. There seems to be no consequences for women lying. I’m not trying to scare you. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 12:37 AM
1

I wish. I think men just sell themselves short. Fun women are out there!!
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 12:08 AM
12

Domestics violence. A lot of times women say they want to be amicable until it becomes clear they aren’t going to get 100% what they want. Then they start making up things to punish you and keep you away from your kids. It can get crazy. A lot of men here have stories where the truth didn’t save them. So possible it will be amicable, but plan for her to try hijinks to keep you away from the kids and get you ordered out of the house.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 12:06 AM
17

If you move out she’ll be able to use it with the courts to keep you away from her kids if she decides to go nuclear. You have to just ride our cohabitation until you get a court order. Get a lawyer lined up ASAP. No reason not to get the ball rolling. You got this.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 12:04 AM
3

Every woman has their problems. To paraphrase Dan Savage, there is no “the one” for anybody. We find a 0.67 and round them up. But that doesn’t mean we need to let them actively cause us suffering. It saddens me that she is doing two things at the same time: isolating you and spending more time with other people without you. Successful relationship > divorce but divorce > shitty relationship. Are each of you in therapy? I’d suggest that for yourself regardless of what she is doing. Can help you …
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/22 07:12 PM
9

This is 10x cheaper than a wife but it sounds more expensive than just casual dating and friends with benefits. I’m in Manhattan and my “dating” budget is $250 a month and between my regular partners get laid one to two times a week. Lots of women like having casual sex, too. This just seems really expensive to do!
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/22 03:08 PM
1

I’ll also say, there is never any justice for women making false accusations. There seems to be only upside.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/22 07:41 PM
1

I can’t speak to legal fees. In terms of arguments, my lawyer basically met everything with “this is a frivolous claim, there is no proof”. My ex wife would say these wild stories in her motions and in her attempts to get protective orders. And it would really emotionally affect me. And I would write up all of these responses as to what really happened and what what was false. My lawyer basically said “you can send me this stuff if makes you feel better”. But he wouldn’t use any of it. In respon…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/22 07:41 PM
1

I’ll say everything leveled at me eventually got dismissed. But I had to field this nonsense on mutiple fronts. Cops randomly at the door on fake calls. Got called down to talk to an SVU detective once. Child protective services “anonymous” reports. Nonsense police reports filed. I hate having to trust a lawyer who could bleed you dry… but my lawyer was very reassuring and got everything dismissed whenever it came up in court. We prepared counter motions challenging her fitness to parent for the…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/22 05:24 PM
4

Yeah I blocked this guy a while ago. Ban him please.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/22 05:13 PM
3

None of us would choose to have a failed marriage. But divorced when my kid was 3. Now my kid is 8. Seems like 3 was better than what my kid was like at 3, 5, 6, 7, and 8. My own parents divorced when I was 22. They separated for a few months when I was 6 and then got back together. I wanted them to get a divorce my whole childhood. While not preferable to two parents who work together in their marriage, divorce would have been preferable to what I had to deal with as a child. Divorce is plan B.…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/22 05:12 PM
3

I think every human should take advantage of therapy if they can afford it. If you were a person who lifted weights or exercised in 1920, you’d be a weirdo. Now if you don’t some sort of exercise you are a weirdo. I think mental health is the same. Do it if you can. Congratulations on raising your daughters! You got this! It’ll take a few years to figure out what you really want. No rush.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/22 10:45 PM
1

Almost sounds like there are a million different divorces and situations. Mind blown!
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/22 04:26 PM
2

I don’t know what this YellowFever dudes anti blue state nonsense is about. I got divorced in Manhattan. My ex-wife was extremely litigious, we had fake cop calls, child services was involved, case workers, false police reports, it was a nightmare… but what worked out fine was 50/50 custody, no alimony, and what I consider fair child support all things considered ($850 a month- ultimately cheaper than continuing legal battles). The reality in any state, however, is that things go well until they…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/22 12:30 PM
4

Alright money but what’s her justification gonna be?
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/22 10:19 PM
7

Would love to know for what!!
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/22 08:20 PM
3

No side affects. It felt like I gained a super power. Make sure to get tested after. Supposedly many gentlemen never get their fertility checked and they don’t know that the vasectomy failed.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/22 01:20 AM
9

I currently have two long term casual arrangements. Both people are aware of the other. All of us date other people. They are definitely more than friends and less than partners. One is a divorced mom friend that goes way back. She has her own logistics and doesn’t want a partner either, much less one out of town. She lives out of town and we meet up every once in a while. Text and phone call when in different states. Even chat about our dates and stuff. We’ve known each other 20 years. One was …
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/22 11:24 PM
5

This is the way. Not marriage or long term relationship #2. It can still be real. Can still be fulfilling. Doesn’t need to “build” anything like OP. Not everyone has it in them to live like this though.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/22 09:40 PM
17

The trauma is real. I have no interest is a “partner”. I have lots of friends with benefits I have real connections with. But I don’t structure my life around them. And they aren’t involved with my kid or larger life plans in any way.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/22 09:38 PM
1

Do not send. Lawyer first. Lawyer will tell you how to communicate. This can only backfire.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/22 02:34 PM
2

100% must file before sending.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/22 02:34 PM
2

Your life is currency as well. But you don’t know how much of it you have left. You may only have a month left. Or a decade. Maybe 50 years if lucky.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/22 07:48 PM
4

If you have kids the advice here is always never move out until a court order schedule is in place. That can be put in place long before a divorce is finalized. It is the only leverage you have over your wife to get her to be fair about custody and leaving will open you up to losing custody of your kid(s). If shit goes sideways you aren’t going to say “good thing I saved $5k on a lawyer”. A lawyer is an investment that pays for itself in the faces of your children you’ll get to see grow up and t…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/22 09:07 PM
1

That’s fucking hilarious, sad, and lonely. You hang in there man. At least I’m sure no women are missing out in not having you as a friend.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 06:36 PM
3

I think the way to be “besties” again, if even possible, would be to get some distance.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 02:54 AM
1

Just because always worried our boys here aren’t listening. Don’t. Move. Out.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/22 09:02 PM
1

Got for 50/50. And then make your life match the schedule. No other way. It will also help with your child support
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 09:17 PM
2

Talk to a lawyer before moving out. It can be seen as abandonment by the courts. And while the fact you have a signed agreement complicates thing, the status quo of living with your child this time might work in your favor. I’d talk to a lawyer before doing any moves. And don’t tell you ex wife anything about any of these thoughts. Don’t let her sabatoge you.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 04:06 PM
5

Then she is in contempt of court. No option but to follow whatever your settlement says in that case. Ours is 1) certified letter and 10 days to correct the issue 2) go to court 3) if someone is found in contempt then they have to pay the other person’s lawyer fees for making the issue need to go to court
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/22 09:10 PM
4

What do you mean if we don’t agree? If we don’t agree she pays for it herself if it’s something she wants for the kid. What do you want the agreement to do? Compel me to pay for something I don’t want my kid to do? What’s weak about my not having to pay for nonsense I don’t agree with? No agreement works for anyone. I suggest NOT putting this in your agreement if you want to do something different. GTFO
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/22 09:08 PM
14

Our divorce agreement states a split on shared expenses that we agree on. I’m obligated to pay child support. I’m obligated to pay a portion of in-network medical care out of pocket expenses. I’m obligated to carry health insurance for the kid. We have a set percentage split of extracurriculars… but only on what we agree on. She can put the kid in an expensive thing on her nights all she wants. She can’t compel me to do anything on my nights or pay for anything on her nights I don’t agree to. Do…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/22 08:53 PM
1

I will agree here with some people just talking about thinking of the bottom line. Lawyers and time and vindictive ex may eat up any gains from fairly refilling taxes. I will say this for people about to divorce: my ex wife tried some nonsense the last year we were filing as married that led in ME filing separately. I wasn’t gonna be responsible for the liability she created. But ultimately that $6k did become part of our settlement. The settlement included my refilling the taxes jointly and spl…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/22 04:19 PM
6

Oh man. I think we need a list of the red flags you missed for future reference!
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/22 04:15 PM
10

Do not engage.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/22 09:32 PM
8

Sadly the insane is routine on this sub. The path people have successfully walked is clear. Protect yourself, protect your kid. You got this!
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/22 11:36 PM
10

Forget reconciling, and forget her ever apologizing or changing… That being said, if part of you always loves her, I think that’s fine and it’s ok to enjoy those feelings and the memories. I think some men on here, as a survival strategy, take a “poison pill” and cast everything their wife ever did as bad and fake. This woman took 1/2 my kid’s childhood away from me, sent me into bankruptcy, made me fight child protective services… I’m not ALSO going to let her take away years of good memories. …
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 10:12 PM
1

If you get a bad lawyer you will be looking back on that $750 for years and years regretting that it was worth every penny and then some. Do consults with several lawyers. It sucks. The whole thing sucks. But think about everything as a bottom line cost. Don’t get caught up in line items. If $20k on a lawyer instead of $10k on a lawyer saves you $2k a year on child support then you just MADE money by having a more expensive lawyer. You also spoke about child support. I don’t know what you want i…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 01:13 AM
4

Exactly don’t establish a status quo
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/22 11:04 PM
2

I’m 38. The internet was a mistake. Look in the real world. If you do use an app I’m going to recommend OK Cupid answer 100+ of the questions honestly. And then don’t even look at peoples photos. Only swipe yes on someone who is a 98%+ match. I’ve been in a casual but super caring monogam-ish situation with a woman for three years now. Important to meet my criteria that I’m not looking for a partner, and not looking for a step-mom for my kid, but I DO want a real connection. My dating experience…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 02:04 PM
13

I have found that in my life there are relationships ships I’ve had for years because the other person is the one who makes the effort to reach out to me. And there are relationships where I’m the one reaching out to make sure we maintain the relationship. I think especially with the demand on time wives place on their husbands, I’ve found myself being the person maintaining the relationship with my still married friends. And while that’s sometimes a bummer, I think they are all worth my effort.…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 04:08 AM
1

I will say marriage counseling didn’t help our marriage, but it did help ME. I think the counselors (she fired the first one for “ganging up on abusing her) really helped me understand the reality of the situation. I’ve carried that with me in my own multi-year “deprogramming”.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/22 11:13 PM
6

I think you need to compartmentalize what “trust” means and forget the binary idea of “marriage”. You can trust a person with your heart without trusting them with your money. You can have an adult partner you care about while keeping them separate from cohabitation or introducing a new parent role to your children. If you remove the stakes of marriage and step-parent from your potential relationships with women, the stakes become way lower. (At least remove that for now, but for me logic says i…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 05:05 PM
2

I didn’t. I’m not going to let her take the good memories along with everything else she took.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/22 07:41 PM
1

Finding A lady is boring and monotonous. Why introduce a long term person into your life that could disrupt your emotional state or the emotional state of your children only a year(?) or two post divorce? They already survived a divorce. Why introduce someone that could leave you high and dry in a couple years? Look for casual arrangements with women. Friendly, caring, but not long term. First, if you can’t can’t find the happiness in yourself, you’ll never be able to give that happiness to your…
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/22 10:42 PM
1

Ha. Are those the only two options?
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/22 10:34 PM
3

You don’t need marriage to feel love. You don’t need marriage to be partners. You don’t need marriage to have children. You don’t need marriage to grow old together. Not being married ≠ being lonely.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/22 07:51 PM
2

You have to read your own situation. My ex-wife surprised me with papers. And then I wanted to continuing some kind of counseling because we would need to have good communication to coparent. She said no to all of that. It instantly went to false police reports, child protective services investigations, and protective orders (I beat every single one). Some people on this sub have had their ex-wife move with the kids out of state as soon as she caught wind of divorce, but before anyone filed, so …
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/22 10:18 PM
3

1) listen to your attorney 2) under NO circumstances do you move out (since you seem a man of means, don’t even secure alternative living arrangements for the future). Moving out is best way to lose custody of your kids. It also eliminates the only leverage you may have to get your wife to agree to fair terms. 3) make sure the school, the dance classes, etc. know you and know you are a presence in your kids’ lives. 4) talk to your lawyer about how to protect your assets and what is or isn’t allo…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/22 10:01 PM
4

Agreed. They already crossed the rubicon. Guy can’t start to heal until he gets out.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/22 07:32 PM
3

This may be good as she can’t leverage things like alimony and shared property in order to get custody. But all the rules still apply. Don’t move out no matter what. Talk to a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/22 01:10 AM
9

I ended up with 50/50 in Manhattan. Wife tried everything in the playbook: lied to doctors, multiple anonymous calls to child protective services and investigations, fake police reports, protective orders, and police showing up to the apartment our dog the blue while we would just be eating dinner and playing. (“why don’t you tell me why you were yelling and pushing your wife”…umm like dude I’m just eating dinner man.) I’m 18 months out of Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Worth every penny. Follow the advi…
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/22 01:07 AM
1

Yes. It is a super power. Takes a lot of anxiety out of dating both casually and seriously.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/22 06:56 PM
3

Year one, two, maybe three… that’s a sad anniversary. But soon it will be a celebration every year. Give time to heal.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/22 12:16 AM
19

You give her too much time, she realizes it’s hard, she decides to come for your money, and best way to do that is to come for your time with your kids. Here’s what you need if you look through history of this sub: 1) do not move out. No matter what. You do not move out until a court has your parenting plan in writing. An honest person doesn’t mind putting something in writing. 2) having a lawyer doesn’t mean you can’t do mediation. Doesn’t mean you can’t be civil. Talk to multiple lawyers. Good…
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/22 12:14 AM
1

This is a fine gap
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/22 12:55 PM
5

The number one advice you’ll see here is never move our. Ever. Even if you moved out, move back in. It is still the marital property. Moving out is how you lose custody of your kids. Moving out also is sometimes the only leverage you have in getting a fair agreement. In these exchanges the men usually have to be perfect in order to just work up from getting nothing, to getting what is fair. And the women have to royally screw up in order work down from everything (full custody/child support/alim…
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/22 04:36 PM
7

Get that thing finalized before you have words with this new guy. You don’t want him to change her mind about the agreement. Good luck. Gotta be a hard moment.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/22 03:57 AM
4

I get the feeling you are all people who think they are clean and hit the bowl 100% of the time, but actually you have to wipe dried piss drops of the rim of the bowl but don’t consider that missing and don’t notice the smell. You just think your clean. Like how we all think we’re friendly but obviously not everyone who thinks they are friendly is friendly.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/22 01:06 AM
3

You both deserve a cookie for sure!
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/22 10:09 PM
2

Its fairness only matters to you. I’d say the exchange for no alimony makes for a cleaner break. I’m not sure how old your kids are since you are 52, but no alimony means your life is intertwined with her for a shorter amount of time. That alimony check for 9 years will hurt.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/22 06:10 PM
8

Not ashamed to say I think anyone who doesn’t sit down when they go pee is a troglodyte. I don’t want to clean up my own piss drops, let alone those of anyone else. My 8 year old sits down to pee, too, thank god. His aim sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/22 05:57 PM
1

Good work!!
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/22 06:52 PM
1

As an introvert this post befuddles me. At a restaurant alone! In peace!? Jackpot. Good luck on your adventure tonight. Update with what you ended up doing.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/22 11:46 PM
3

Definitely. I also take many more risks on smaller pictures and have been pleasantly surprised. The only cost is my time.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 08:58 PM
8

I saw a post on daddit the other day about a guy taking 10 minutes to take out the trash so he can have some alone time. And everyone thought it was so funny and “same!” One blessing of divorce is to have that me time. I’m back in grad school which is fun. I have a long term dating situation (very clear to her we are not on path towards cohabitation or being a step-mom). And pre pandemic spent a lot of time in the gym and with the unlimited AMC pass.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 05:12 PM
12

18 months out of bankruptcy and just finagled a promotion. I’m screwed because my 8 year old started expressing interest in Warhammer 40k and we’ve been playing with my 20 year old army. I can’t even afford Lego, but I’m gonna go with it. Gonna lean into this midlife crisis resurrection of my teen hobby. Spent the weekend 3D printing and assembling terrain together!
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/22 11:29 PM
19

Besides just being old and hating things like discord… my one counterpoint would be a lot of us found this sub in a really tough part of our lives and seeing stories here helped us know we were alone. If we take the sub private, what about the man who finds himself in our position tomorrow?
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/22 06:16 PM
11

Her not being able to afford is her responsibility, not yours. She wants to end it, not you. Once a custody order in is place make sure YOU can provide a home for the kids during the time they are with you. If she can’t do the same, then I don’t think she deserves to be with the kids. She has to stop using you and take care of herself.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/22 01:27 PM
3

Hang in there dude. It is ok for you to lean on your mates for one thing while they lean on you for another. That’s the whole point. This divorce includes kids. Do not move out under any circumstances until a court order for custody is in place. It’s the number one advice here and the only way I personally got 50/50 custody.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/22 01:26 PM
3

Hang in there dude. It is ok to interview other therapists if you have the means. Stay in contact with current therapist until then. And have the two doctors/counselors conned before you switch. I’m 15 years younger and my marriage was 1/2 as long. But for me it was around the 3 year mark that I stopped playing defense and felt like I had a future. Bankruptcy was actually the turning point for me. I don’t think you can “hobby” yourself out of depression. But I do think starting something NEW whe…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/22 09:50 PM
2

This place has great advice but always have to cut through 30% of the advice being incredibly toxic.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/22 01:14 PM
3

My lawyer usually does bill me for small questions like clarifying our agreement or I what my wife is doing breaks the agreement. I always include the settlement as an attachment so he doesn’t need to look it up and copy the specific language in question into the email. My dad died leaving my mom without life insurance he agreed to carry. I resent him for many reasons, but this is one of them. The insurance policy is just that, if you have to pay your lawyer for an hour to put her in her place w…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/22 01:13 PM
1

So many people I know think I’m crazy for wanting to. Just little consumers, they are.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/22 09:56 PM
2

One of the things I’m most angry at “boomers” about is that they created an economy where two adults in a family need to work. The economy should function so that one median income can support a family of 4+. Not banker salary, shoe salesman salary. So a childless couple with no kids should be flush and a professional living alone should be rolling in it. Instead we have families with two college educated parents who can’t dig their way out of student loans enough to buy a starter home. You can’…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/22 02:49 PM
2

Yeah this is a whole other level. I need more info from OP. Yours is a clear cut case.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/22 02:34 PM
10

Do you need more money for your family? Are you trying to retire early? Do you wish you worked less? What are you hoping to gain from her working more? It sounds like it is just a “tit-for-tat” issue for you. Don’t get her pregnant. Continue to keep finances separate.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/22 01:14 PM
2

Context is key. If we became friends for years beforehand, look out for me in the beginning. If you met my wife and me together, different story.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/22 03:32 AM
12

Don’t hate. My best friend is a woman. My friend group has always been and remains an even split. Now… for partnership/marriage… fool me once, shame on you.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/22 01:42 AM
2

Agreed. Care about me enough to say something at the time when I could use the info.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/22 01:40 AM
7

That's a lot. But mainly I'm just jealous you were still having sex every two weeks.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/22 09:39 PM
5

She was not. She was, and is, incredibly accomplished. While there were some red flags in retrospect, there was definitely a switch that flipped when our kid was born and then gradually got worse and worse. Spent a lot of time trying to determine if it was some kind of postpartum depression or psychosis or something. Once she went from "we have this problem" to "you have this problem" we were kinda screwed. Also when her explanation of any of my behavior was that I was "abusing" or "manipulating…
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/22 09:36 PM
10

It got so rough. I think the most insidious part of many divorces, mine included, is that if I made a list of my Top 10 memories, she’s in every one. I’m not sure if we reran the experiment of our marriage over again and again it would turn out the same or different. But, gentlemen, don’t run the risk. Don’t. Get. Married.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/22 06:54 PM
14

I was served out of the blue at my office. A friend of mine called me a few days prior to warn me. We were in counseling and had just talked the last month about how we weren’t giving up. But the moment I always remember as the “last moment any of this made sense” was months prior. My two year old knocked the salad spinner on the floor. We had too much farm share lettuce to begin with, so I threw the lettuce that ended up on the floor into the garbage. I told my ex-wife I threw away the lettuce.…
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/22 04:34 PM
6

Agreed. Sometimes the calculation is based on the other spouses potential earning. Don’t give her an incentive to not get the degree.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/22 08:02 PM
3

It sucks to feel like you have to survive every attack. My ex-wife’s attempts at removing my 50/50 parenting plan stopped when my lawyer filed a motion for full custody based on her false claims. She withdrew her motion after that and so did it (perversely, once she withdrew her motion, mine didn’t make any sense because now I couldn’t claim her motion was alienation). Never say never, still think every knock on the door is me being served or child protective services. It sucks to feel like you …
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/22 01:25 AM
6

Always speak to multiple lawyers.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/22 12:34 AM
3

We have who claims what each year in our settlement. We have to give the IRS a form every five or so years we both sign stating which years we will be claiming. https://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/f8332.pdf I think absent an agreement, IRS says whoever the kid spent more time with that year. You may be out of luck unless you have a written agreement. https://www.irs.gov/faqs/filing-requirements-status-dependents/dependents/dependents-3
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/22 05:51 PM
2

While I hate many things about online dating, one thing I do like is that you can explicitly state your intentions (don’t lead with them, but include them in your bio). I Star I’m divorced, have a kid, not looking for a partner, just casual, etc. I’ve been dating the same woman three years now who is very much on board. Doesn’t want to be a step mom. Never wants to live with me. We see each other when we see each other, the sex is great, we did truly care for one another. I have a friend who is …
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/22 04:51 PM
8

She already told you her intentions: 100% with visitation. You won’t be doing this without lawyers. If you really think your girlfriend is not suitable to be a mother and you love your kids, then the true answer in your heart should be 100% custody for you and visitation for her. Now, knowing reality that isn’t gonna happen unless you can prove some crazy shit. A lot of men make this mistake: STARTING from what they actually want (50/50) and trying to negotiate from there. Nope, she’s unfit so y…
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/22 12:42 AM
1

I’m super hippie, so I agree with the philosophy of long term breast feeding… but my ex wife was trying to argue to the judge that our kid who was THREE at the time shouldn’t have overnights with me because of breast feeding. It didn’t go over, but it did add another senseless motion being filed, waiting around for court, etc. don’t assume the other side will be logical.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/22 07:05 PM
2

If you can agree amongst yourselves and do mediation instead of going to trial, course that would be better. But I still wouldn’t move out until that agreement is approved by the court and there is a court order in place stating the parties agreed to 50/50. But this sub is littered with people whose ex-wife agreed to 50/50 until she didn’t. And then it was too late, he already moved out and assumed it would go friendly and she changed her mind. You move out, she goes “now I think we should do we…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/22 06:11 PM
1

You tell her about the divorce in therapy or in front of some other third party. You then communicate only in writing. If she say some shit in person, you text her “just confirming I’m picking the kid up at 4pm from school”. If legal in your state, you audio record yourself any time you are home. You just let her yell at you and give her nothing in return. Nothing that she can try to twist. In fact, if you catch her yelling at you and bad mouthing you in front of your children, that could be bad…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/22 05:08 PM
1

If you want shared custody of kids the number one thing lawyers and people here will tell you you cannot leave the home UNTIL you get the 50/50 agreed to in court. It is also your only leverage to get to 50/50. So whether you bide your time during the next year or two so you can be there with your kid, either way need to stay in that home.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/22 05:03 PM
7

Definitely sounds like you’ve been through the shit. But I’ll say this. I think these terms have been weaponized by some women to absolve themselves of responsibility: verbal abuse, gaslighting, and narcissist. Those are real things. But once accused of them, you just can’t shake them. It is like denying you are a communist in the 50s. “Of course you say you aren’t a communist, that’s exactly what a communist would say.” “Of course you don’t think you did anything wrong, you are a narcissist.” T…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/22 12:05 AM
9

Sounds like it did all you could. The hard part is 50/50 IS the compromise. So men often put that as the starting point. And women put “100% custody, eat my shit if you even want to see your kid” as the starting point.” What got my ex to settle for 50/50 was when I started going for full custody. We couldn’t make that move until we had her in some confirmable lies in email about kid’s behavior at school and with therapist. After all the money. All the time. All the tears, ended up at what I aske…
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/22 10:37 PM
2

Good luck!! Update the post after
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/22 05:10 PM
1

Why are you responding to me with this? I said there was no advantage. I said if a marriage works it is just luck.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/22 06:34 PM
2

He’s gonna show her this thread and she is going to convince him that he’s the problem for posing the question.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/22 06:33 PM
6

Standard advice: -talk to multiple lawyer immediately -move all conversations to writing (don’t give her the excuse like you did with your argument) -don’t move out under any circumstances More specific questions: child support and alimony are two different and entirely separate items. Alimony is for the divorced person, and usually just calculation based on income. Child support is for the children. Every state is different, but generally more parenting time means less child support. If you wan…
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/22 05:54 PM
5

Love is a hell of a drug.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/22 04:29 PM
3

I don’t think of of us on this sub could come up with an advantage. And if a marriage was amazing, it is like winning a lottery. Hard work is required for a marriage to work, but hard work doesn’t guarantee a marriage will work.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/22 04:07 PM
5

Hahaha. Nope. It will be you.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/22 04:06 PM
19

If you don’t want kids, don’t get married. I firmly believe that staying unmarried partners makes people continually rededicate themselves to each other because they don’t take it for granted. They continue to keep their bodies healthy and keep themselves together in order to show the other person they still care. Don’t do it. Any possible benefit to marriage is not work the risk of divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/22 04:05 PM
2

Take your time man and enjoy keeping it casual with dating. Be upfront and you’ll find like minded people who just want casual dating or friends with benefits. What I’ve seen a few times among friends and family is that they start new relationships without ever processing their last one or finding out who they really are alone. Then I’ve seen all the same issues from the last relationship appear in the new one. And they suffer all over again. If you are fortunate enough that your health insuranc…
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/22 01:06 PM
1

Divorced in NYC. The New York City bar had free legal nights that I went to for a 30 minute sit down. And then provided me with a list of lawyers who did a free first consult. Not sure if other cities or the state bar have the same thing. I think 7 years was the milestone for alimony to be a thing. I agree settlement is the better option. But you can also make defensive moves that protect you without instigating retaliation. I also think NYS is a no fault divorce. We settled on that after 18 mon…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/22 11:38 PM
13

If you want equal parenting rights, moving out is the best way to lose them. You can’t move out and let the future ex wife keep you from the kid. Many men end up just being weekend parents during the divorce (for the sake of the kids to avoid conflict) but don’t realize 1) they just established for the court that parenting wasn’t important for them and 2) the just gave up the leverage they have in the divorce to get a fair settlement. Don’t move is the top advice given out on this sub. You don’t…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/22 11:18 PM
3

I only have one kid to deal with. Two seems exponentially more wild than one. Now she 7, but we went for a two day backpacking when kid was 5. And done a cross country train trip and a few flights home to see family. But my favorite is we will take the train or rent a car and go camping at a beach or stay in an air bnb. I give these examples because I like “lazy” vacations. Pack light. And go do something where you don’t have to trudge around a city from museum to museum or something. Find somew…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/22 07:09 PM
4

Sometimes confirming you have a grasp on reality is useful. That’s what I could imagine. Your wife and people in your life telling you you are crazy, but here have a bit of reality confirmed. I wouldn’t confront though. Don’t give her the satisfaction or create an argument she can lie about later.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/22 05:29 PM
5

Best advice in thread
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/22 01:44 PM
1

Regardless if you ultimately work it out or not, I think it is useful to game out some worst case scenarios in your head and be prepared. Make sure you have some money socked away that she cannot get access to. Not “hiding assets”, but you don’t want to wake up one morning and she’s transferred your savings to an account you can’t access, served you papers, and now you need an attorney immediately to get that money back (if you even can)… but now you don’t have the $5k for a retainer. This happe…
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/22 03:11 AM
3

Every miscarriage of justice matters.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/22 10:51 PM
11

For me, my vows were so important. I couldn’t in good conscious renew them unless I was REALLY ready to try to give it another go. Doesn’t sound like you are there. Also, to echo someone else in here, you are now playing the very high stakes and dangerous game of “don’t end up with a baby”.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/22 05:24 PM
6

The red flags of suicide threats and physicality are a good red flag for expecting this to go smoothly.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/22 01:33 AM
4

Gotta ride it out I’m sorry. Had to do a similar charade for 9 months before got a 50/50 temporary order in place. Places like this are here to scream into so you don’t scream at your wife or your kid. Things are friendly until they aren’t. Hope for the best. Bust plan for the worse. Women can weaponized access to the kid. Women can lie about verbal abuse and physical abuse. The only defense against that is to stay in the marital home no matter what. Move as much communication about the child to…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/22 03:58 PM
3

Your mileage may vary. But I filed singly on the last year we were married. If you do it first, she can’t compel you to file jointly. Now… they way this ultimately shook out for me was she was pissed and when we finally agreed on a settlement part of it was we refiled that year as a joint return and split the difference on everything. Re: adding an edit - I also claimed the kid on my single return because had been with me more than 1/2 the year.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/22 01:40 AM
3

Lawyer first. Don’t move out no matter what without custody in place.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/22 06:47 PM
10

It’s like a death. Something died. It is hard. And it will heal but will always come back in little flashes a few years later. There is a scene in the movie Ghost Story where a woman comes home from a funeral and just collapses and cries in her kitchen. That scene is one that always resonated with me of “what it felt like”. I think feeling the feelings, acknowledging them, and letting them pass will bring healing faster than pushing them aside to get on with your day. Good luck on your journey.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/22 02:19 PM
2

Some people will push back “it’s just three days”. But it isn’t. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/22 10:49 PM
5

Let’s say your oldest is five. That’s 13 more years of childhood. 3 days you are missing out on a month is 36 days a year. 540 days total by the time they turn 18. That’s an additional 1.5 years of the kid’s childhood missed. In addition to the 1/2 of the remaining childhood you will already miss because of the divorce. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/22 10:38 PM
18

This sub should be required reading before the state grants you a license.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/22 02:19 PM
1

You should get 1/2 the retirement. I wonder if arguing for the additional 12 hours of work will go anywhere as I assume $100k is much more than median for Missouri. Part of what I consider child support for is shit like taking the kid to the doctor. If she is part time and has time on her days, that could be useful. Unless she is toxic as fuck I also think the more time kids can spend with parents the better in general. But definitely get that $325k you deserve. Thats years of early retirement. …
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/22 03:50 PM
1

Damn. Good for you. You rock. Inspiration.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/21 11:44 PM
5

Lawyer first. Tell her second. Serving her in counseling might be a good move because you have a witness.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/21 01:19 AM
6

This is the most justice OP can hope for. No real justice. Happy for you and your kids!
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/21 04:50 PM
2

Gotcha. Preaching to the choir!
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/21 07:55 PM
2

I know. Doesn’t mean I’m going to stop fighting for equal rights for all, though.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/21 07:49 PM
3

The stories that hurt most on here are “second divorce”
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/21 06:03 PM
3

I look for some information on why people are against it! I’m sure there would be unintended consequences. But at this point I’m up all ideas. So much of how our society functions is not tenable.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/21 05:31 PM
4

I wonder if we had ratified the equal rights amendment then men would have had some recourse to sue their state over their treatment in family court and get the case up to the Supreme Court. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equal_Rights_Amendment
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/21 04:56 PM
3

Good for you for doing therapy. I think everyone should be in therapy if they have the means. Just like we all need to exercise to keep our body healthy, we all need to do the work to keep our mind healthy. Good luck with this. That was quite a read!
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/21 06:00 PM
3

Replying to myself: My advice would be say no in writing and include the text of the order. Let her call the cops. Have the order on hand to show them. Call her bluff. Serious.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/21 02:44 PM
4

It is still your weekend. Holidays lay on top of the regular schedule.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/21 02:42 PM
2

You should start therapy if you haven’t already. What you are showing here is YOU feeling bad because you caught someone else actually doing something bad and you are making yourself the bad guy. It is gonna take a lot of work to realize the truth is the other way around. You didn’t do anything wrong. You are going to need to internalize that before you can heal and move on. I promise you that after that work, the life you will have will be better than the imaginary one in your head with her.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/21 04:56 PM
3

I can’t believe people do this to other people. That sucks man
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/21 04:54 PM
1

Valid
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/21 03:55 PM
3

No. Not for these families. Now I happily argue that no human should even be able to HAVE $750 million dollars. But I’m not angry because I believe Sheik Al-Maktoum was treated unfairly by the courts. I don’t believe that to be the case. These people are literal royalty. They have a $400M yacht. $5M dresses. Their children are in danger of being kidnapped in general, and during the divorce the fear was they would be kidnapped and whisked away to UAE where the mom would have no legal right to pur…
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/21 03:50 AM
3

Then that’s our point of disagreement. I don’t see this $750M as winning a lottery ticket.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/21 01:13 AM
1

If the disloyalty is her stepping out, I always consider that the symptom, not the disease. Maybe this guy dehumanized her for 15 years and on year 13 a bodyguard finally treated her with kindness so she cheated. We don’t know what their dynamics were. We don’t know what he did. Or what she did. (Other than what is public.) This is not a normal divorce case. Part of this ordeal involved her actually seeking political asylum not to have her and her kids sent back to Dubai so she would not be “dis…
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/21 01:09 AM
2

I think you make some good points and thanks for taking the time to respond so much!
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/21 01:03 AM
0

Dude she’s literally the princess of a country and the court has records of him threatening her life and being able to find her and the kids no matter where they hide. Part of the agreement is the incredible security expenses she and the kids have. The guy spent $2M just on a vacation to pick blueberries one summer. We talk a lot here about the crazy power dynamic when women in courts have this unearned power over men. This cases power dynamic is bonkers. When one divorced partner has crazy fina…
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/21 01:02 AM
0

My point is that nothing about this story I’ve seen indicates the courts were unfair. Seems the only thing that is raising alarm bells is the $750M. I’m glad we all take each other at our word on this sub with our stories of mistreatment by the system and supporting each other. Nothing about this story indicates it is a data point for incompetent or unfair courts. Public records seem to indicate it was actually the opposite. Nothing about this guy’s personal situation indicates he is suffering. …
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/21 10:42 PM
2

That sounds hard and she sounds amazing. Every case is different and should be treated with care and intention by the system. Divorces where both parents actually do it with grace and with care for the children don’t end up in the system to begin with. We’re always going to end up with systems to decide disagreements. I wish we didn’t need them but we do. “Things were hard for me so they should be hard for someone else” isn’t really how I roll. That woman deserved better.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/21 09:48 PM
5

I get where you are coming from. Alimony absolutely destroys some men. And a lot of undeserving women get free rides. I understand the impulse to think that government staying out of it would be the fairest solution. I agree elements of life are a gamble, but just like I don't want a society where the breadwinner gets hit by a bus and the survivor has nothing, I also don't want a society where divorce destroys either party financially - be that by unfair alimony, or be that by being left out to …
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/21 09:15 PM
9

I’m here to to support men who have been falsely accused, mistreated by the system, are facing depression or financial ruin, and This billionaire doesn’t qualify for my sympathy. I don’t know if the courts ruled wrongly in the claims of his illegal wiretapping, his child abduction, and his death threats but since he isn’t here asking for moral support, I’m going to take the findings at their word. The settlement includes money specifically for bullet proof transportation and security based on hi…
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/21 03:58 PM
4

My fix to that is that the man should be treated fairly, not that this woman should be treated as unfairly as we are treated. I don’t think anyone should lose access to kids, get alimony/lose alimony, or get child support/lose child support based on someone having an affair. For both men and women. I don’t think she should have. And I don’t think any men should. Fairness means treating men and women with the same due process and skepticism about their claims during divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/21 03:50 PM
15

This dude doesn’t seem like he’s getting the short end of the stick the way some other victims here have gotten. I don’t have enough information to say he is guilty or innocent of the allegations. $750M is nothing to this guy. According the article they spent over $2M on picking strawberries one summer. He was rich when he got married and he’ll stay rich. Eat the rich. I’ll reserve my sympathy for our fellows here who make $60k and the court says they have to pay $30k.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/21 03:11 PM
3

F me. I don’t have words. It never got to criminal charges, but I had the cops called on me many times. Police reports filed. Talked to cops and detectives and never actually got arrested. Once she tried to blame a bump the kid got at camp on me but I had a text from camp. My Ed would also put a litany of crazy stories into her court motions and I would feel so hurt and feel the need to respond in our filing. And my lawyer would just respond with “this isn’t true, we want a forensics investigati…
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/21 01:58 PM
5

Oof. I had reducing gender to black and white like this… but this hit hard. Thanks for this. Gonna do some googling.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/21 01:48 PM
7

The gaslight and narcissist label is unshakable one applied. I hate how common this blaming has become. And incredible disrespectful to people who actually deal with it from their partners.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/21 11:39 PM
2

This is actually the most important advice to internalize. If you want shared custody of your kids, do not move our under any circumstance until custody order. If concerned with child support, shared custody of kids will also help with that.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/21 10:15 PM
4

I would be worried about buying a house and then losing it in the divorce. I wouldn’t lock up any cash or make any long term commitments until divorce settlement has been signed. Things are amicable until they aren’t. Wish for amicable, prepare for war.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/21 12:45 AM
2

Damn. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/21 09:14 PM
1

Take marriage off the table from the start. Take cohabitation off the table from the start. Get a vasectomy and be upfront about it. You’ll attract women more aligned with what you want, assuming it is real friendship and good sex.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/21 06:09 PM
1

I’m purely making an anecdotal statement for sure. No idea the actual statistics so shouldn’t speak so broadly. Edit: Also, infidelity doesn’t bother me personally. Would happily be in open relationships. I think gay men might be onto something. I think putting so much on one other person (parent, lover, friend, partner) kills love.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/21 02:25 PM
1

I’d rephrase this to say what benefits does “marriage” bring to your life. There are many reasons heterosexual marriage seems to go sideways. All of it I think cultural. And, given the current culture, I don’t think I’ll sign up again. But do I love my women friends? Absolutely. Do I have gay and lesbian friends with amazing marriages (or so it seems)? Absolutely. Do I know a lot of straight men and straight women happy with marriage? No I do not…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/21 10:36 PM
1

I know friends where everything has been totally fair and respectful. Hope for that. But plan for the worse.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/21 02:03 PM
9

Good luck. If you want to be in the kids’ lives do not leave the marital home until a custody order is in place. Moving out is considered abandonment and sets the precedent for weekends/summer only and high child support. You have to ride it out until judge gives a custody order. Do not leave the home under any circumstances. I stayed in the apartment 9 months because my ex wife wouldn’t agree to 50/50. Finally caught her in a lie about the kid on paper, and suddenly she wanted to settle. So sor…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/21 01:17 PM
3

Definitely at this point needs his own lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/21 04:16 PM
2

Everything she is “saying” move to written communication. Keeping you from speaking to doctors and school is a no no. Get her to admit what she is doing in writing. Otherwise her word or your. Cc her on any communications with school. Or with a doctor. From this point out, with her, there is no “gotcha”. You don’t let he know what you are doing or why. Just keep it documented in case you need it in court. You have to sadly let her behavior speak for itself. Be the nicest you’ve ever been to her.…
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/21 04:15 PM
3

This is what I hope for as well. I ascribe to the “takes a village” idea. I am afraid it will go like this: she finds a great guy (as she’s amazing on paper), he is a great husband and great step-dad, and then she slowly destroys him. But now, instead of my kid watching it ages 0-3, my kid gets to really be traumatized it watching it at an older age (currently age 7).
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/21 03:06 PM
7

“15 years of abuse.” Real abuse does happen. But what also happens is people put on the “abuse” lens and use that to view all conflict and once that happens it seems to be over. -you treat her well… “ah, that’s him manipulating me to get what he wants” -you express your anger… “ah, see I was right all along, he is out of control” -you deny being the abuse… “of course he does, every abuser denies being an abuser” -you read some books or see a therapist and realize she was emotionally abusing/mani…
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/21 08:25 PM
4

What I hate about all experts from plumbers to surgeons to lawyers is there is no way to know if you have a good one until after the fact.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/21 02:01 AM
5

Tall guy grabbed short guy’s gun, so I think that’s it. Self defense. I wish we lived in a world where: 1) you felt threatened 2) you went into the home where it was safer 3) you came back out… now you just moved yourself from safer to less safe 4) no longer self defense Is it possible that without short getting his gun that tall could have beat short to death? Sure. But probably not. Call me crazy but I would take my getting my ass kicked and us both living over the other guy dying. I understan…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/21 01:21 AM
3

If there are kids involved - lawyer all the way. The stakes are just so high.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/21 09:23 PM
1

Oh man. Good luck tomorrow! Maybe the food will be good?? Don’t drink. ;) Edit : food, not god, I can tell I’m aging by my inability to type on my phone
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/21 12:35 AM
1

That’s great! Unsolicited advice: When it comes to dating, keep it super casual for a few years. No rush. Don’t confuse someone treating you “normal” compared to your ex as someone treating you “good”. Casual parenting relationship. Don’t stir the pot for a while, and establish the baseline of this arrangement, but the problem with casual arrangement (doesn’t want child support/court) is that they can change and end at any time. Maybe she gets wind that you are dating? Maybe her work schedule ch…
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/21 03:57 PM
3

Do you have kids?
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/21 03:41 PM
1

Sure! I needed at least 50/50 custody of my kid. As soon as my ex/wife surprised me with papers she went from not doing any of the home stuff (dinners, naps, baths, bedtime) to trying to do all of it. She started whisking my kid away every weekend to her moms. She wanted to give me weekends. When a dad leaves the marital home, it can be construed as “abandonment”. Dad leaves home to give mom space and spare kids from stress. Dad starts seeing kids on weekend for stability during the transition. …
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/21 03:21 PM
1

All the legal advice I was given was simply do not move out until a custody order is in place. She can say “fine, move here, let’s do 50/50”. But none of that matters if six months from now things get heater or she got some bad advice and now it goes “the kids should stay with me because of school.” Now you are getting a lawyer and filing motions to get her to “let you” see the kids 50/50. You end up going to a judge and the judges response will be “if seeing your kids 50/50was so important, why…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/21 06:36 PM
5

I’m in NYC. Lawyer was $400/hour at the time. Was middle of the road (figured this wasn’t the time to go with the cheapest option). I did a combination of two $20k loans, $5k from family I’m still paying back, and he actually took credit cards, too. Perversely, the more debt I took on, the more they would give me. Loans is where I would go first. I was about $100k in debt after the whole thing starting from basically no debt. I’m 18 months out now from Chapter 7 bankruptcy. It was all written of…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/21 03:56 PM
7

If it isn’t a trial, really what you should expect is a lot of sitting and then more sitting. And then your lawyer going to talk to the court lawyer and the wife’s lawyer in another room. Then more sitting. Then called in and things will happen very fast. In my experience, the only hard part is getting dressed, and being able to breathe through it all. The rest happens TO you. Anything you could have done to change it up to this point, you’ve already done. Nothing you are going to be asked to do…
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/21 12:10 AM
1

I’m 18 months out of Chapter 7 and feel like it was my first step in building towards making a life in the future instead of trying to patch up the damage of the divorce. I make low six figures but an in Manhattan so was able to somehow qualify for Chapter 7 even though I fail the means test. I’d consult a few attorneys and see what they say. Be careful of Chapter 13. Works for some, but is at least a five year road. And if you get a raise, guess what, bankruptcy trustee gets it to pay off your …
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/21 11:33 PM
1

Sounds like she is starting a war. Echo what people say about moving back in. She can’t make you move out. Move back in. Keep your cool and be honest and patient with whatever child protective services is asking for. They have to go through it even if everything is BS and even if there is a new lie each week. Fight every protective order. I thought of it like an invasion. She just needs one attack to work, you need EVERY attack to fail. An older kid should help. Yes, rigged against men. The love…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/21 06:31 PM
1

I’m much more risk averse when it comes to putting myself or my child through another failed long term relationship than to the idea of dying alone. I try to mitigate the fear of being “old and alone” by: - taking care of my body so I can help avoid pain in my later years (I’m… not great at this, still over eat) - daily meditation practice to halo recognize whatever I have and whatever I don’t have doesn’t really make a difference - advocating for increased universal healthcare, hospice access, …
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/21 01:18 AM
1

My god! Good luck. The courts are so wrongheaded so often.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/21 12:24 AM
2

Hang in there. We have a similar arrangement in NYC but I mandated it. No more than 1 hour by google transit directions from each other’s home or kids school. Ex moved almost exactly one hour away from both, giving the kid an atrocious commute. And hard to navigate careless during when Covid started and none of us knew if the subway was safe. My fear is one day she will go to court saying she got a job in Phoenix or something and sue to move away with the kid. I’m aware of at least one horror st…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/21 12:06 AM
11

Good for you! Just know on this sub there are people starting over after 10-20-30 years. Two years of dating and less than a year of marriage with no kids sounds like a huge bullet dodged. It’s a lot harder to restart dealing with parenting, custody battles, and the fact that she will always be in your life through your kids and even your grandkids.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/21 04:58 PM
2

We do parallel parenting, and I think parallel parenting has a lot of pitfalls (and that's what we do... unilaterally decided by my coparent). ​ Examples of attacks, all to get me out of the apartment because I wouldn't leave without 50/50 guaranteed parenting time: -I'm feeding my kid dinner. The wife walks into the kitchen and says "someone's at the door for you". I walk out and there are two police officers who go "what don't you tell us what's going on here". Cops showed up randomly multiple…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/21 05:06 PM
10

This is going to be a long war for the good of your child. The analogy I always used was that I was the “castle” and she was the “attacker”. Every police officer who showed up, every fake police report, the three child protective services cases that were opened… as the castle I had to stop EVERY attack. As the attacker, she only need ONE to work. Despite the odds, it never worked. It took 18 months and a post-divorce bankruptcy, but we have 50/50 and it was worth every tear and every dollar. And…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/21 03:32 AM
2

This may depend on your state. No fault. Also, if you have kids please talk to a lawyer and no matter what do not move out of the marital home or give up any time with the kids. That will stick with you and work against you.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/21 03:12 AM
3

You should definitely brace for WW3, and I think a lot of what brings us to this sub is that we had crazy experiences. But so many people I know did not. A competent lawyer can help ease the pain. A lot of what my ex put in her petitions seemed like she was going nuclear, and my lawyer would tell me the courts wouldn’t care about it and take her word. I would write these responses countering every crazy claim. And then he would basically tell me thank you, but in our response would just say “non…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/21 03:11 AM
3

The worst. Sending good vibes.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/21 02:10 AM
7

My hot take is that misogyny is perversely part of the reason we got here. When society default to assuming women are just “caretakers” and men are just “providers”, when it comes to the courts men just get fucked. So I counter intuitively believe that more equality for women in areas outside of the courts will lead to more equality for men in the courts. And we need a lot of old judges to retire or die (including a generation of women judges who unfairly judge men).
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/21 02:10 AM
3

You need to talk to several lawyers. It will make you feel better. I had many fears that every lawyer I spoke to put to rest. And they were right.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/21 02:52 AM
5

Good luck. Don’t leave the marital home. Don’t establish any routine with parenting time that you wouldn’t want to become permanent. (E.g. moving to apartment and seeing the kids just on weekends “to give her space”) Start interviewing attorneys. You can meet with attorneys, even file divorce, and ultimately turn the ship around. Honestly just communicate in writing as much as possible about anything kids or divorce related. Let’s say some by some ungodly horror she takes half of $300k you still…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/21 02:51 AM
3

I second OK Cupid. I have had two medium length casual-ish relationships from it. 9 months and now one going on 2.5 years. I find their questions and % match approach super useful. Answer the questions honestly (especially what matters to you in the other person) and trust people’s answers. I love looking through other people’s answers.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/21 03:31 AM
2

In addition to what people said, no more verbal communication. Only texting and email. Don’t lose your cool and put something in writing you don’t want showing up later. But the flip side is: wife saying “Fuck you, you’ll never see this kid again unless I say so.” doesn’t matter… but her sending that in an email can matter a lot to a judge.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/21 05:44 PM
3

Good for you for fighting for it. Such a shame. Plan A: a happy marriage Plan B: an okay marriage where we can still respect each other and work together Plan C: two co-parents working together to help our kid and each other Plan D: whatever the hell this it I hope everyone a Plan C or better!
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/21 02:39 AM
4

I commented a full diatribe elsewhere, but I also thought I was going to have to go to trial. Then, one day, I caught my wife in two lies in a motion she was submitting to the court. I had emails from the school and doctor contradicting her. My lawyer included that in the response to the motion. Suddenly she wanted to withdraw her motions and settle. It was not the smallest thing, but also not the biggest, but with so little evidence it proved she was a liar. So maybe you’ll get lucky and mediat…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/21 11:37 PM
3

So many threads are scary about bad lawyers. I was very lucky with my lawyer. I wish that it wasn’t up to that. How does one pick the right lawyer? My attorney told me not to worry, even though my ex-wife made up fake police reports, called caseworkers on me, filed for orders of protection. My lawyer was right. He made it work. Have faith for now! 50/50 was really important to me as well. Partly for the selfish joy of being with my child and partly to provide them with a safe haven from my ex (I…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/21 11:34 PM
2

You think a group of cops who don’t stop another cop from doing something illegal aren’t in the wrong? You think the group of women gleefully devouring a story of a woman lying about abuse to get her way aren’t in the wrong? Just like how stories (and too many videos) of a cop doing something illegal and “good cops” aren’t doing anything about it makes it hard for me to trust all cops, stories about “good women” not speaking up about a woman in the wrong makes me hard to trust all women. That’s …
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/21 11:55 AM
3

My own interest in my child was considered “weird” during my divorce. Perversely, my hot take is that men suffer in the court system because of sexism against women. In internalizing that women can’t be career oriented and disinterested in children, people/courts assume that they must de facto be the better parents than men, even when so often they are not.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/21 11:45 PM
3

Horrible. This is the “no good cops” argument. There isn’t ONE sociopaths, there is a group of them watching and listening approvingly.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/21 11:43 PM
3

I was the primary caregiver for my kid and my ex tried a lot of shenanigans to keep them from me. She filed fake police reports. She lied to caseworkers. She sabotaged visits. It was obvious to me hat she wasn’t following her own lawyers advice. From being served to settlement it took 18 months. I think a he settled because I finally caught her in a lie on paper. We ended up 50/50. And we’ve been in court after the settlement for similar shenanigans. I don’t think my ex is a totally horrible mot…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/21 02:50 PM
1

That’s a lot. Hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/21 04:12 AM
1

Oof
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/21 03:57 AM
1

You can do it! I was supporting my ex during her PhD as well (though she got a small stipend). It is rough to support a person during their education and then get the rug pulled out from under you right as they near the end. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/21 03:48 AM
2

Oh man. I love how the you being a the stay home parent suddenly doesn’t matter once the divorce starts. Good on you. We both worked, but I made every meal, packed every lunch, gave every bath, read every bedtime book, washed every piece of clothing… and as soon as wife filed for divorce NOW she showed interest in doing any of that and tried to challenge my fitness to parent in court.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/21 03:47 AM
1

I had to stay in our apartment for 9 months after my wife filed divorce because I needed 50/50 for our kid’s sake. I would have moved out day 1 if she had agreed to it. My lawyer said what happens pre-divorce can set a precedent. So a lot of women say “move out and let’s do weekends with dad but I promise we’ll do 50/50 later”. But that weekend routine sets a precedent and later the judge might not want to change it. Or will say “if 50/50 was so important to you, why did you do every other weeke…
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/21 03:44 AM
1

It’s sucks to spend money on “nothing but lawyers”… but a good lawyer who understands what your really want out the whole thing can put the kibosh on her trying to one-up you. Lawyers know what is or isn’t allowed. And in my divorce, I ultimately was so THANKFUL my ex-wife had a lawyer because her lawyer was a sane person in her corner. Without her lawyer my wife would have done much more dangerous and bonkers things. Also, not my favorite and not what I would have chosen, but ex insists on “par…
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/21 06:56 PM
3

Such a similar story (but ended up with 50/50). The parenting work load was 80% dad and 20% mom but suddenly she wants all of it. Hang in there!
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/21 06:54 PM
2

Many things can happen at this point but I also know of people who have gone all the way to moving out and talking to lawyers who worked it out and recommitted to each other. Sadly it can go lots of different ways from here on out! Maybe the key phrase is “trust, but verify”. Good luck with everything!
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/21 10:01 PM
2

This is all “normal” and sucks. You can do it and there is another side! I have known people where things are civil... until they aren’t. Communicate in writing only for important things. NEVER lose your temper. Vent your anger somewhere that isn’t towards her. Just like someone who is an honest businessperson will never balk at having something in writing, the same thing applies here. Even if you are planning on going though mediation I suggest you talk to some lawyers on your own as well. Beha…
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/21 09:15 PM
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