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mehmench Archive

View 7 posts and 228 comments by mehmench on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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4

File first, find a good attorney and have a consult with as many of the other 'good' attorneys you can find. If it was yours before marriage then minus some equity you built during the marriage (unless you kept your funds separate and paid the mortgage from your own account) then you'll probably have to buy her out of a small amount of value but with a 3 year marriage - she's not going to be entitled to much. It's going to be a nice surprise for her too. Get a financial investigator to figure ou…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 09:33 PM
7

Separations are there so the person who cannot decide can keep one foot in each location. The other foot is totally fucking other people. You should have a conversation to clarify if you are having sex with other people and dating during the separation and what the actual goals of the separation are. If she doesn't agree to the same boundaries then it isn't' a separation - it's her fucking around and keeping you in the wings. Again, if she won't agree to your boundaries you should probably just …
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 08:11 PM
17

If you're paying for spousal support her getting married could mean that you are no longer obligated to do so. If you're not though - who cares.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/25 07:17 AM
3

I had put an inheritance in a joint savings account when I got it just a few months prior to starting to go through a divorce with my now ex-wife. It wasn't $6,000,000 - just under $50k. We hadn't touched it though and it just sat there. When it came to dividing up the assets - now mind you - we'd been married for 16 years - there were no accounts at this point that weren't joint accounts (at least not on my side of things - she was the cheater so who knows). I said that inheritance is mine and …
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/25 07:51 PM
2

Yep, it is. You're right. The question is - is this the hill to die on? Probably not. Ask the lender if they will do it, when they say no, relay the message. She gets her own mortgage. It took longer to post his question than it probably would to just ask the lender.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/25 12:50 AM
3

It's probable that she wants to do 'assumption' to maintain the interest rate you have. Why don't you want to play along and do it this way? Regardless of what the decree says, getting the loan assumed by her ends with the same result - it just means that she gets the rate you have now which probably better than anything she could get today. End result, mortgage is in her name and not yours. What's your attorney say? Of course you don't HAVE to do it but what's the harm in making the effort to d…
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/25 11:56 PM
6

The 'new, improved you' was always there - she was just to stuck on being angry at you and keeping you defending yourself or protecting yourself that you couldn't let that person out safely and she didn't want anything to do with him anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/25 05:22 AM
3

Child support is always modifiable. Always. What she says now, may not be true a month from now. If she decides she doesn't want it, that's fine. Plan for her wanting it anyway. Don't argue the point with her. It isn't mandatory if she says she doesn't want it then she doesn't have to take it. What's her attorney say? What's yours say? If she starts making more than you, it can absolutely flip to where she's paying you and not taking any from you now doesn't change that fact in the future. STOP …
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/25 12:19 AM
0

What the hell kind of question is this? How do you not get violent? You walk away well before you ever get there. You hire an attorney to handle the situation for you. You get therapy if your anger issues are so bad that you can't trust yourself. Common sense.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/25 12:40 AM
2

It depends on the laws where you are but inheritance isn’t a marital asset until it’s commingled with other marital assets. You probably do have a legal obligation to disclose (through your attorney) but she’s probably got not claim on that money.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 06:29 PM
6

I told mine that she was free to leave. I said I couldn't make her leave the house (She was cheating on me), hell I couldn't even tell her she couldn't sleep in her own bed but I wasn't going anywhere. I worked too hard for us to build this home and I wasn't going to leave it. She moved out of the bedroom for a few weeks and then moved out of the house once she found a place.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/24 08:57 PM
7

Dude, Lawyer. LAWYER.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/24 06:57 PM
10

No matter how hot she is, somebody, somewhere is sick of her shit.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 07:51 PM
3

Federally this is true but you need to check your state tax code. I thought because of the federal situation that the state would be the same but in California it is still deductible for the payor and the payee still needs to claim it as income. I resubmitted two years of taxes to correct it and this year got a few thousand back from the state. Waiting on the corrections to come my way is taking a while though.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 06:14 PM
1

Unless it's under the table you'd have to pay from even that.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 06:12 PM
1

To clarify what I'm asking - and I know it's likely that it's just not an event that will provide me any relief but I'm asking here because it's a community of folks in similar positions. Many of us are payees who get little to no relief. My ex hasn't done much of anything to increase her income since our divorce (which in California, she is supposed to be working to do as spousal support is intended to be rehabilitative and not lifetime). My spousal support isn't lifetime. My Child support will…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/24 09:43 PM
3

Yes, I'm the payee but her income is compared against mine to evaluate what I will pay to 'equalize' the situation basically.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/24 06:50 PM
2

It's enforceable enough to not agree to something like that.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 10:59 PM
3

Been there, done that, have the t-shirts. My ex is a CPA who when we were together would ALWAYS wait to pay any bill until the last possible moment. If it wasn't going to be considered late, it wouldn't get paid until the moment before. Now, of course anything related to reimbursing me for ANYTHING doesn't happen unless it absolutely has to. Since that's pretty rare in our arrangement - there's no real mechanism to hold her accountable, she will barely reimburse me for our kids expenses. I don't…
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/24 04:00 PM
5

In a 50/50 state you're entitled to a fair equity share of the house's value. You can sell it and split the proceeds once everything settled up or you can agree on a value and she can buy you out including getting a new mortgage in her name alone after the divorce is final. Take the spousal support if you're entitled to it. Don't be a martyr. You won't likely end up with permanent but probably 6-8 years worth. (not an attorney)
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/24 09:31 PM
14

don't take divorce advice from your soon to be ex. Talk to an attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/24 09:27 PM
24

Dude, you're on the same app. Swipe left.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/24 08:25 PM
10

why is this something you care about?
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/24 08:34 AM
2

Wont there be enough people there that you don't have to spend time with or around her? That's what I find happens for me.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/23 10:44 PM
2

They are old enough to know the truth and it’ll come out anyway. ‘I filed for divorce because I couldn’t stay in a relationship that wasn’t monogamous.’ I statement, it’s about you. That’s as simple as it gets.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/23 08:19 PM
1

Just let it go man and do what you have to do to through the court without actually serving her directly. It's not worth the hassle.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/23 10:25 PM
1

Who wants to be with someone who doesn't want them? You already know the answer, it's not a complete certainty that you'd lose your kids. They might be mad at you but if you do the right things in the divorce, take the high road and don't try to screw this woman out of what the law says she's entitled to (but also stand your own ground firmly) then - sure they might be angry about the split but are they going to stop loving you? Are you a bad dad? Staying together for the kids is rarely the righ…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/23 11:47 PM
3

Seems like the OP is the low earner at the moment so he should be asking for support. Find an attorney. File for divorce and make a request for temporary child and spousal support while you are in the divorce process. It's normal.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/23 04:31 PM
1

Not really. It means lifetime is possible in certain situations but it isn't guaranteed. California Spousal Support laws favor the supported partner working towards supporting themselves and not getting lifetime support. I was married 16 years, I am paying support for 8. If the marriage is longer and the parties are closer to retirement age you might get it but if you're already retired the situation might just be a split. Research the Gavron Warning for more concise data.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/23 04:26 PM
1

Why don't you get to split the kids for the tax filing if there is more than one?
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/23 10:40 PM
1

If a woman does this and doesn't accept that you can do it as well then she's saved you the time associated with trying to get to know her anyway. Women can be safety issues too - I absolutely had one go nuts on me when I tried to break it off. I almost filed a restraining order.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/23 09:48 PM
3

Yeah, totally fine (same on the cybersecurity occupation). All of this stuff is incredibly trivial except for the paid for background check (which I wouldn't go that far). But most of this I can look up for free from my phone in minutes. Searching my county's court records costs $1. when I was on the apps briefly, if I got a phone number - I would be able to tell if you were real or a likely a bot very quickly. What she shouldn't have done was EVER say what she said to you. Following you closely…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/23 06:24 PM
1

It sounds like you have some self esteem issues that you could probably work with a therapist on. And you take the dating over 40 sub too seriously.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 09:40 PM
7

Your first mistake is believing you are in an amicable situation. If you're going to agree not to geolock her - what is she going to give you in return? She's in the fog of her affair, limerence - it is unlikely to last. How will you do 50/50 with a child who is 6 hours away between you? Will you do week on/week off? Since they aren't in school that's possible but you'd be paying for daycare in two places? If that's how she wants to do it - I say sure - do it but what happens when the kid starts…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/23 01:04 AM
1

Both of those arguments may hold weight in your negotiation. You need more out of the buyout because though there is a value today, the value will appreciate and since you want the house as well (but can you afford the buyout) if she wants if vs you getting it then she should give you a higher buyout value. She could give you more of another asset as well (say retirement accounts). The problem with this is that she could easily flip it on you and say 'No, actually you take the house but I'll tak…
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/23 08:03 PM
1

Why are you working for a non-profit with the degree you have? Is it for credit to get your student loans forgiven? If so, you should note that. It may be possible that if the student loan debt was accumulated during the marriage it could be part of the community property's death (I really don't know about student loan debt but any other debt accumulated during the marriage is considered community debt) and so she'd be on the hook for some of that. It would be in her best interest to let you con…
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/23 07:41 PM
2

This isn't really an unreasonable ask but what does your judgment say about how the QDRO will be drawn up? If you can, hire your own accountant to review the situation so that you know what's going on. You can offer them your accountant's review. They will propose someone do this and it'll be a few thousand $$$s and they will track the gains and losses based on the investments that are premarital vs community. Lets say you have $50k invested before you get married - you can break down what that …
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/23 07:41 PM
5

It’s a bit of a game of chicken. What’s your attorney say? What state?
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/23 03:32 AM
3

If she can't stand it, tell her to move out. Let her do the work. Why is it always on you?
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/23 05:24 PM
2

GET AN ATTORNEY. You don't have a lot of assets really - there isn't much to split here outside of the house. How old are you? You probably should say 'lets sell the house and split the proceeds.' If you both contributed equally to it then there shouldn't be a problem with that but even if one of you contributed more - it's all likely community property unless it was purchased before you married. So, sell it and split the money. Keeping it has too much risk. Then agree to split the cash 50% and …
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/23 09:19 PM
1

Good grief. With the trouble my ex and her attorney is giving me there is a small part of me that hope the plan rejects it because then I could rewrite it without the concession of some of my value. That would draw things out tremendously I'm sure and the larger part of me would rather be done and move on but I also don't believe she will ever let me move on.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/23 03:39 PM
1

Process here is the QDRO is written and it's a legal document, it's signed by both parties and submitted to the courts to be entered into the record and signed by a judge. Then it's sent to the plan and if they decide it is 'qualified' and meets their requirements they execute it. If they determine something is wrong with it then it is 'unqualified' and they reject it.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/23 02:51 PM
3

Do you want to be with someone who tolerates your existence but prefers you're not there or someone who wants you and enjoys your company? The choice is yours. Tell her that if she wants it the way it is, she has to get a job. I bet that will change her tune one way or the other. Either she'll go nuclear on you and file for divorce herself and try to take you to the cleaners or maybe she does the respectable thing and GETS A JOB. She's using you. She's all but said she's using you. All you stayi…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/23 06:23 AM
8

She sounds like a monster, you don't have to take legal advice from your abuser. You've done enough. File for divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/23 08:29 PM
3

But your family home sounds like a prison. It sounds fake, made up - it doesn't actually exist and one day your kids are going to realize that if they haven't all ready. I did. My own kids did far before I thought they were capable of it.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/23 04:33 PM
1

With the way she's acting now, what makes you think she's all of a sudden going to become 'reasonable' once you start making more than her? You're projecting YOUR way onto her and the way you are is clearly not the same.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/23 04:00 PM
3

In California you can request an income & expense declaration every year including tax returns.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/23 03:58 PM
2

A narcissist's accusation is really a confession. It's unlikely that any of it is actionable. Learn to take the high road as much as you can especially with your children. The high road has the best views. Does that mean you don't do what's best for you? No it does not. It means don't do what she does when you know what she's doing is wrong.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/23 04:39 AM
0

Uh 'trying to throw off your routine' sounds incredibly self centered. It's clearly WAY bigger than just throwing off your routine man. Not to empathize with her really because I'm sure there is more than an 'ounce' of 'she's terrible' but 'she had to put you on child support' isn't a spiteful thing, it's the right thing that should have been the case from Day 0. You support your child. It just seems like you're making it an awful lot about you and not very worried about how your child might fee…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/23 04:22 PM
2

You've only been married a few years, your exposure to spousal support is low and short (18 months really) so you're going to spend more money negotiation about it than you'll likely pay. It's not worth it. Just file for divorce and make her a lump sum buy out offer.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/23 11:59 PM
1

That’s new info! He isn’t even divorced? Houston, we have a red flag. 😂
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/23 02:22 PM
1

They have children together. It changes things.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/23 02:22 PM
3

If you aren't threatened then why did you post the question? Why does it matter if he has a functional relationship with the mother of his children? Most of the men on this forum do not have that, myself included. That being said I sure wish I did - not necessarily a 'friendship' where we talk daily or even weekly but one where we don't mind or even enjoyed being in the same room together and our children weren't burdened with the fear of us being within earshot of one another would be great. If…
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/23 01:17 AM
3

The 'I'm not an ass' comment had a LOT of attitude in it which leads me to believe you may in fact be 'an ass.' If they have a friendship that they have cultivated over their years of marriage and parenting - well again - not a red flag. You did not address what about this threatens you so much.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/23 12:01 AM
2

It really depends on the relationship between them. Just because they still talk about their kids - doesn't mean they are still in love. It just means they love their children and are hopefully GOOD parents and not controlling narcissistic parents. If he's got good relationships with his kids and a good relationship with his ex - that's a GREEN flag. If it's fighting though - that's a RED - especially if the kids are adults. How does he treat you? What about this makes you feel threatened?
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/23 08:22 PM
1

All you're doing is validating that her strategy is a successful strategy. She wants you to hurt. She doesn't care about the children. If her attorney has put it in writing that they intend to bankrupt you then that might actually be actionable because it's unethical behavior. Talk to your own attorney about that situation because you can ask for sanctions against her for using the legal system inappropriately.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/23 10:16 PM
-1

Whatever the law details.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/22 10:40 PM
3

Financial infidelity is a thing.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/22 08:07 PM
12

Review the guideline: https://www.mass.gov/info-details/child-support-guidelines Speak to an attorney. Don't take legal advice from your ex.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/22 05:48 PM
9

You live in a fantasy world. You'll never be happy until you address your own internal issues and what has made you the untrustworthy person you are today. Nobody's love will ever be enough because you don't even love yourself. I feel sorry for your wife.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/22 08:16 PM
3

Okay, so my math is wrong but the question still remains. If she's going to marry this person then you need to figure it out. Is there anything wrong with her? Are you just super over protective? Is the remainder of the coparenting relationship fine? Is this person a convicted felon or anything like that or is she just not YOU? If my ex were to suggest that her affair partner were going to watch or hang out with our kids I would NOT be happy about it. Can I do anything about it though? Nope. I c…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/22 09:02 PM
3

You're trying to control this at 4 months old? You have at least 17 years 8 months to continue this level of control...you have that kind of energy?
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/22 08:50 PM
5

Having been through something similar I can tell you that I feel better having moved on from the marriage and divorced. I can also tell you that due to her possible BPD/NPD diagnosis (one therapist has diagnosed her with BPD so it's not my armchair diagnosis) the divorce will be HARD and the aftermath will be ongoing and equally HARD on both you and your children. You will have practice being the model of patience and grace and just let her do her thing to show everyone who she is. I lost a rela…
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/22 07:08 PM
1

You've only been married for 5 years, you're spousal support risk is low (2-3years). You might even be able to buy her out of it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/22 04:27 PM
5

Child support is an equalizer of homes. It helps keep my children's living conditions in both places close to the same. It keeps her literally in the same neighborhood as me (sounds terrible but I never run into her) and my kids are walking distance between homes. My youngest comes to the house EVERY day pretty much but on the days he's at his mom's he just goes home around the time she's getting home from work.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/22 05:01 PM
1

I kept the house, bought her out of it.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/22 04:59 PM
4

It really depends on the income gap. My ex makes over $100k/year but because my income is usually 3x her I would say the child support I pay is *NOT* symbolic. :)
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/22 04:20 PM
2

This, I did this. I'm sitting in it right now.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/22 04:18 PM
4

Child support is a formula and as much as you think you're going to be nice - as the PAYOR you will always be a target for her. She can always file for a modification, she can abuse the system to make your life rocky. (I live in CA too, my ex has done it to me). You should have your attorney work to validate her income as much as possible, worst case scenario - she should have her income imputed to 40 hours per week at minimum wage. THEN calculate child and spousal support. Spousal support isn't…
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/22 04:16 PM
8

If there is contention then you'll just be wasting money. Mediation is probably mandatory where you live so you'll probably at least have to do a session with a court appointed mediator. They suck though and in my experience don't really do much (one meeting). Just because you have the money to waste, doesn't mean you should. Just because you think the other parent is a terrible person, doesn't mean it's against the law to be a bad parent or person. Going for full custody with no legal basis for…
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/22 11:04 PM
5

You are after a fantasy. Watch the movie High Fidelity for further description of what you're experiencing. Maybe you're not happy, whatever.
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/22 07:04 PM
2

$300 in Socal is run of the mill I think. I pay twice that for my attorney (same region).
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/22 10:44 PM
7

Yes. Why wouldn't you take them 50/50?
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/22 10:31 PM
2

What do you guys think on if she'll be able to get half that home, even though it was bought all cash from my parents. If you have a good paper trail documenting all the financials you should be able to unwind it from being commingled as long as the marriage isn't really benefiting (making some sort of profit). You might have to take it to trial to get the right thing to happen. What an absolutely terrible person. My ex-wife was similarly terrible, though at a smaller scale. I had a small inheri…
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/22 06:06 PM
5

As a Betrayed Spouse - I found this book to be very helpful in figuring out what I needed from my wayward spouse to figure out if we could make it or not: https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/006304529X/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1 It's called 'After the Affair' by Janis Spring. It was really helpful in showing a bit of both sides, you made a lot of little choices to do what you were doing. Your willingness to look at yourself is really important and I commend you for putting y…
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/22 10:45 PM
2

You do what your judgement says and give a little grace to make you look like the good guy if you ever end up in front of a judge. What does your judgement say?
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/22 10:28 PM
1

In California you can request financial information (income and expense disclosures - FL-150) every 12 months I think (might be more). It depends on how your child support is being taken out. If it's being done by the local child support services department, you can file for a modification through them at any time I believe. If you think she has a new job and is making more money then it makes sense to ask for an income and expense declaration at minimum. If you aren't doing it through an agency…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/22 10:27 PM
1

No idea, ask your attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/22 01:25 AM
2

You mention things being amicable but if they were amicable she wouldn't be hassling you about staying in the house. They are not amicable. She is not your friend. You need to protect yourself. There is nothing wrong with children getting therapy. Just be careful about getting them a qualified therapist who isn't going to take a side, not yours and not hers but instead be there for the kids. I would carry a personal recording device and just leave it on when you're home. For me, this practice ha…
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/22 06:26 PM
4

You are being abused. If she's threatening you over reasonable behavior - one of you isn't being reasonable. If she makes more than you, she should be paying child support to you. File for it along with adjusting the custody to be officially 50/50. Use a parenting app to communicate.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/22 02:21 AM
2

Best bet is to file for a custody modification that states the 50/50 you're doing now. Don't let her take them, that won't help you or your kids. The food situation with adderall is normal, talk to the Dr. about how to handle that. There are also plenty of ADHD support groups for parents that can help guide (but be wary of the nutjobs). I've dealt with this myself, your best offense is being in your children's lives. If your state has Individualized Education Plans or 504 plans for children with…
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/22 02:19 AM
1

Expecting her to do what you would do is likely delusional if all evidence to the contrary.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/22 05:10 PM
2

It really depends on the situation. The less amicable the situation between you and your ex wife are the more likely you are delusional. I have no desire for my girlfriend to interact with my ex-wife. None. Zero. Absolutely not. My girlfriend and my son are around each other all the time and I'm perfectly fine with it. My ex has zero respect for me, I show her as much respect as I can without compromising myself or putting the ball in her court for my life decisions. She is a child and she is co…
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/22 04:47 PM
2

Are you paying Child support now based on her income without the extra jobs? I don't want to set her back but if the shoe were on the other foot where you were getting another job to support your efforts to reduce debt - that income would surely be fair game for child and spousal support calculations. Child support and spousal support calculations come FIRST then she can service her debt. Have the kid move in with you so you can have your time with him.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/22 06:31 PM
1

I believe that's standard operating procedure. I did the same thing. After the date of separation is established, any contributions after that are usually considered hers anyway. Mine are definitely considered mine. Nothing to see here, move along.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/22 04:31 PM
19

Yeah, my ex who was cheating didn't want to give her sidepiece up or me up. I still filed for divorce. She's STILL pissed and it's been years.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/22 05:55 PM
3

The cost benefit analysis just doesn't work out. Taking her to court with an attorney is about a $7000 day that I'm not going to get back in any way, shape or form. She might get admonished but it's unlikely that when I ask for Section 271 sanctions that I would get it because she probably wouldn't have the ability to pay it. So I might 'win' but it'll cost me $10-30k to 'win.' It's fucking ridiculous.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/22 03:21 PM
10

Your child support covers those items. Start saying 'Child support covers those expenses, you don't need anything else from me to pay them.' That being said, I've fought this battle and 'lost' because I'm the 'Payor.' She's said 'fine, I'll just file for a modification.' It may not even be warranted but she can still file for it just to cause me to incur the attorney's expenses (which costs her too but she doesn't seem to care). So I said 'no' to about $500 worth of expenses I hadn't agreed to b…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/22 10:24 PM
3

I did a bit of reading last night and it IS possible for spousal support to rise after child support ends because SS is calculated after child support is calculated. Brace yourselves. When more money is available because of lower child support, spousal support can go up. It isn't something you can't fight though since spousal support isn't 'guideline' like child support there is always a negotiation. There are also key phrases to include in a judgement to make sure this doesn't happen: Phrases l…
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/22 04:13 PM
2

Only way to enforce it is with actual proof and then filing to have her held in contempt. You don't need a lawyer to do that usually but all it does is up the ante on the conflict. It's a stupid, nearly unenforceable provision. If I had proof, I think the best course of action would be consult your attorney and see if they will send a letter reminding her of the provision she insisted on. Morality clauses are stupid and unenforceable. My ex agreed that we would simply inform each other before in…
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/22 03:15 PM
1

Seems like the assets are pretty commingled with your marital property. That being said, a trade in her letting you take more of the marital assets (like your 401k, etc) might help you to walk away and leave her with her inherited, family property. Were it me, I wouldn't want to be the dude taking someone's inheritance. I had a small inheritance right before my divorce was filed for and my ex was an absolute turd about it. Don't be a turd but at the same time - it really does sound like those in…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/22 11:38 PM
3

Just because it might be normal doesn't mean you have to be okay with it. Your privacy about your homelife is a thing and she should respect that. I suspect it's rare for you to bitch about your wife to her friend's husbands outside of generalities that things might not be going well. It's cool to have someone to confide in in your friend group that person has to be trustworthy and be able to keep things to themselves. If it's a group, that's not what is happening. For me it's a red flag. When m…
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/22 10:36 PM
1

When this came up in my life, I like you felt I had just as much right to stay in our home as she did. I told her that I couldn't make her leave the house, I couldn't even make her leave this room but that I was absolutely not moving out. Ultimately I have kept the house through most of this, I think she's still doing everything she can to cause me to have to sell it but so far I've avoided that. Our divorce was final a bit ago but I haven't completed the buyout because she's prevented me from c…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/22 02:47 PM
4

So far, I've been lucky and this hasn't happened to me. If she did try to come back...oh hell no.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/22 10:28 PM
3

If you're dealing with a narcissist please also remember that anything you put in there to hold her accountable will absolutely be used to hold you accountable as well. It'll be HER interpretation so I would be careful to try to nail things down too much, she's going to ignore it anyway for her but then completely use it against you. That's what mine does.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/22 03:17 PM
2

Projection. A narcissist’s accusation is really a confession.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/22 02:56 PM
1

Your ex-wife played you. Do you have a dispute resolution process in your divorce judgement and if so what does it say? If there is one then before she can file for a modification, you usually have to go to mediation first. Even if she does file for child-support she may be required to go to mediation first. Get an attorney and file for 50/50 custody. Period. Don't accept anything less. Go into debt if you have to. Get it. Your kids need it. In mediation your ex will try to work you over. Do not…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/22 10:17 PM
-1

There's nothing wrong with your ex painting their nails. I know plenty of perfectly straight dudes that do it. It's just a form of personal expression and were it me - I wouldn't even react to it other than to say 'cool.' When I was 16 I wanted to get a rise out of my dad so I got my ear pierced. He said 'cool' and I was literally, actually completely disappointed that I didn't get a rise out of him and I took it out that day. Seriously. It was completely conscious. I knew what I was doing. Your…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/22 05:59 PM
5

It's all part of the negotiation - you're so hung up on the alimony part but the reality is it is all negotiation - what are you willing to give her to have her give up her claim to spousal support? That's what you need to figure out. Can she even work? Does she have any skills? Education? Etc?
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/22 12:07 AM
-3

That might not work either, at least not in the short term. Seems like you're intent on weaseling out of what she's owed. You're in California man - you're going to pay something. She doesn't have an income and even if you retire, you still have SOME income and assets and assets CAN be considered in the way support is calculated or they can force a liquidation so that you can pay support if you're retiring earlier than your mid-60s. You have a partnership, she owns part of that partnership. It d…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/22 11:44 PM
3

if she isn't willing to come to the table you just don't have a lot of choices. Wait for the court date, stop trying so hard and get your ducks in a row with what you want to offer before the court date with your attorney. An upcoming court date is a really good motivator to come to an agreement but if she is avoidant - well that is a method of control. Stop letting her control the situation by chasing her for a deal. Instead work out what's acceptable to you in different layers, optimal, accept…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/22 10:25 PM
3

Alimony (Spousal support) isn't guarunteed in the state of California, especially lifetime support but what you describe is not a situation where I think you'd be able to get out of it 100% unless you could establish your wife's actual income at equal to yours. Is the divorce amicable? If so, perhaps you can work out a buy out or trade in the property OR actually make her an employee for the work she's doing to manage the properties and pay her the wage you mention she would be earning. If she h…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/22 08:42 PM
6

I see a lot of us piling on with the kudos but I want to be more careful than that. You mention that you routinely use the threat of divorce. Frankly, that's abusive and we complain about women doing it all the time. If you're routinely bluffing about filing for divorce - dude that's all kinds of toxic and that's on YOU. You can't control how she acts but you can control how YOU act and now that you're in the process of divorce you really need to learn how to do that, you've set yourself up for …
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/22 06:17 PM
6

Your marriage was 2 years, you might have to pay her something for a year. Make a buyout offer and then go work on your personal issues. She's lucky she caught you this early in the marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/22 12:13 AM
1

If you don't file a domestic violence report it probably won't amount to much in your divorce. It needs to be the line that you draw. It is a terrible place to be wishing your spouse would just hit you because that's the boundary you have decided is the one you're going to walk on. As I sat there waiting for her to hit me with that metal coffee mug as she berated me in front of our youngest child when he was 10 years old though, that's where I found myself for the third time. I hadn't yet filed …
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/22 02:08 PM
2

Start recording EVERYTHING and never, ever even raise your voice.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/22 04:59 PM
14

At those ages, it's time to stop forcing them to do things and only put yourself through the effort on things that they want to do. Just say no, let her spin out - it's going to play out the way it is going to play out. If she starts (or already is) badmouthing you to the children - take it up with your attorney. Get her to start using a parenting app to communicate with you so you have evidence. Make it a habit of answering her questions in the shortest, most direct way possible to give her as …
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/22 01:21 AM
2

My ex had a car that was paid off and my truck wasn't but was worth more than was owed. When the mediator suggested we each 'buy each other out of our respective vehicles' I suggested that she take the truck and buy me out of it and I'll take her old beat up Prius (which was incredibly reliable but still a POS). She said 'nevermind' and we didn't worry about the 'equity in vehicles' conversation again. Good grief it's ridiculous sometimes.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/22 06:07 PM
5

You are living the dream. I have at least 4 more years of child support...
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/22 06:24 AM
3

When we were together I always insisted that she keep her CPA credential alive so that she could go back to work. I never really wanted her to stop working in the first place. I stated from the beginning of our marriage that I never wanted to be the single source of income.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/22 04:15 PM
3

My ex was a SAHM, when I discovered her affair the first thing I had her do was get a job.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/22 06:00 AM
2

Not the rule, I am not paying lifetime spousal support after 16 years of marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 07:17 PM
2

I don't agree with this assertion. I think you should fight the TRO by addressing her false claims as perjury (which they are) so that she can be held accountable for that perjury. Ask for a Restraining order from her because she's already proven she will lie and use the justice system against you in illegal ways and in that scenario - you maintain custody of the house and the children stay with you until she establishes her own residence where they can live and you can start a 50/50 custody pla…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 08:31 PM
1

It's really a function of economics honestly but let me tell you it went down pretty dramatically - the problem isn't that she makes 6 figures - it's that she makes 6 figures, has zero debt to speak of and because of the economy still can't afford to buy a home. Then there's the fact that I make about 3-4x more than she does. It's fine, it'll dwindle with time and I expect it'll be nearly zero within the next 5 years but at 6 it'll go away entirely.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/22 05:00 PM
4

Quite honestly the sooner you start the process the better. It might not be as bad as you think, it depends on how old your children are. If they are older teens then they do deserve to know the truth in the kindest possible way. I told mine 'I decided I couldn't stay in the relationship that wasn't monogamous and so I filed for divorce.' Their mom was pissed for sure but it didn't alienate anyone from anyone else. She does need to get a job and if you own a house you'll probably have to sell it…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/22 09:34 PM
12

Just to be clear - a rub and tug *IS* cheating if she says it is. It absolutely is.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/22 06:34 PM
24

Helps to have some idea of Jurisdiction but she's out of her mind more or less. Get an attorney, propose 50/50 with the appropriate child support. You can deviate in most places but I wouldn't count on that ever from someone who starts in this place. Don't stay on the mortgage, if she can't buy you out and refinance then she has to sell. It's just math. Both of you are stressed by this, she's not making it easier by being stupid.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/22 05:28 PM
1

Yeah, that's bullshit.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/22 11:44 PM
5

If you're being accused of criminal activities then you should get a criminal defense attorney. If she's filing and making false statements about you that are causing you to be treated like a criminal AND causing you the loss of contact with your children it's very likely that were you to prevail in criminally defending yourself that she would then have hell to pay for all the lies and shenanigans against you that she made when she made it into family court.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/22 11:22 PM
9

Been there, done that. Still doing it to some extent. They are very skilled at being the victim. Triangulation, Hoovering, projection, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/22 07:28 PM
1

It's nothing I can control so it isn't anything I spend my time noodling about.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/22 04:04 PM
1

You should get an attorney simply to help you understand what your entitled to and what you aren't. Understanding will help you not get taken advantage of AND help you understand what being 'settlement orientated' means.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/22 12:36 AM
1

I have 50/50. Join physical and legal, meaning 50/50 doesn't make you a weekend dad - it means you have your kid 50% of the time. That can be a number of schedules (2-2-3, 7-7, 3-4-4, etc).
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 10:32 PM
3

She was a Stay at home mom - working a little part time here and there but at the time I discovered her affair she wasn't working. The FIRST Thing I said to her in the conversation was "You are getting a job." I literally sent her back to work, she has an accounting degree and is a CPA. Has plenty of years of experience, including management. As much as I'm in a no fault state - I wanted to pay her as little as possible and I know she is capable of making something close to what I make. After a …
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 07:06 PM
7

Her Lawyer's 'worst scenario' is his problem, not yours. 50/50 is the goal and in the best interests of your children. What does YOUR lawyer say? What reasons that are legitimate are there for you not to have 50/50 shared, legal custody of your children? What reasons are there that mom gets power of your parenting if you get less than 50/50 custody? The only reason to deviate are logistical first, abusive issues which might dictate something other than shared custody. Let's assume there is no ab…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 05:48 PM
4

50/50 custody time does not equal $0 child support. If incomes are not also similar then the higher earning parent will pay some amount of child support.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 05:43 PM
2

Ask for a court date, include in your ask her to pay your legal fees because she's not being settlement orientated.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 09:07 PM
2

Just imagine because if he lost his job for a legitimate reason beyond his control his support payments would be reduced and she would just have to accept it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 06:24 PM
2

Why is there even a hearing if everything is agreed upon and set in stone? It should just pass over the judge's desk for a signature and be done. What jurisdiction are you in? Hard to answer any questions about what you should expect without knowing where you are and what laws apply.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 05:38 PM
5

Yep, it's a special skill they have to sit on things and just wait for the issue to be forced.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/22 08:30 PM
1

Nope.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/22 03:17 PM
2

Take a high conflict coparenting class and learn not to react to their issues. Or just keep avoiding your part (like you just did). They obviously didn't feel like they could safely tell you the truth. The question is why didn't they? It could be a lot of reasons and some probably have nothing to do with you but you and your ex are involving your children in your shit. Stop it.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 05:53 PM
4

You made a parenting decision about your children unilaterally and gave them the choice on custody instead of a voice. You can't take that choice you gave them away. You involved them in super adult situations at a very young age. You're entitled to your feelings but you aren't really entitled to avoid your part in this tragedy. You should have been more collaborative with your coparent regardless of your feelings for them. You should not have talked to your children as adults in the fight for t…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 05:27 PM
2

I saw that one too - I didn't read it as gold digger though. I read it as someone who wanted a life and now it was gone. That's fine, I wanted a particular life too. Maybe there is some gold digger in there - not sure. Sounds like she might have been entitled to some spousal support that she isn't getting. My feedback to her would be 'why did you divorce in the first place?' If that hasn't changed then the 1.6m house isn't going to change it for you.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 03:52 PM
4

My last sentence was 'Find an Attorney who will fight for it.'
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/22 10:42 PM
2

Why did she lose her job and how long has she been working? Why can't she find another job? Just like if you lost your job, your previous income and ability to earn would be considered in any spousal support/child support situation. So just because she isn't working, doesn't mean her income won't be imputed at or near her previous earning level. You need to find an attorney who will fight for that.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/22 09:46 PM
3

Two wrongs do not make a right. This will only make things worse for everyone.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/22 04:08 PM
3

If you were in California, her cohabitation would be enough to re-evaluate it to lower it. You would have to be able to prove she was cohabitating with a romantic partner.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 03:55 PM
6

Honestly - you'll get many formerly married men who say 'Never do it again.' I'm not saying I'm not in that boat. Red flags for yourself first though - if you are unable to articulate or too scared to share your needs with someone - you should not marry them. If you're afraid to tell them the truth about how you feel about wanting kids, financial futures, etc.. you should not marry them. If your gut feels off. You should not marry them. If they ever deny your reality, do not marry them. Sit down…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 03:24 PM
1

She should get a job, then your income can be compared to see if alimony/spousal support is in order. Do not do anything that is not backed up by law and not anything that isn't supported by documentation. Anything you do out of the kindness of your heart will be used against you. Follow your attorney's advice. Be nice, but don't give anything she isn't entitled to unless you're getting something in return. At the income level you sound like you're at - I doubt alimony or spousal support are goi…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 12:26 AM
2

You're past mediation if you're having to call the cops man. You need a litigator. The mediating attorney wants to de-escalate things so that mediation has a chance but that really isn't up to you or the mediator if the person escalating things is the STBX. You can WANT mediation all day long but if the other side wants to fight, you're just throwing money away on mediation. Get a litigator and get a court date set ASAP.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 07:11 PM
2

The value you take out could be used as amounts you owe in the final accounting and asset division based on the date of separation. Do what you have to do though, if she's abusive and you can prove it you're likely to end up paying her less depending on your jurisdiction but you have to have the proof of domestic abuse there. Stalking is abuse so any acts like what you have mentioned should be reported. Charges need to be filed in appropriate instances of abuse where you have had to contact the …
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 07:10 PM
6

Permanent Alimony in CA is rare - you have to have a very long term marriage, no ability to return to work and support yourself and the money has to be there to actually support that level of 'spousal support.' My marriage was 16+ years, ex got a little over 8 years of spousal support. We negotiated that at 8 years it goes to ZERO but doesn't terminate. She has to show a reason for it not to be ZERO and then it terminates at 10 years. Even with that at retirement I believe spousal support can be…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/22 05:38 PM
3

I don't know how to vote honestly. We did it and she manipulated every therapist we came in contact with into focusing on how I interact with her and we never, ever talked about how she interacts and treats me. To this day I don't know how the focus was always on how I work better with her vs her having some fucking regard for me. It was fucking stupid. In my individual therapy I was able to work on understanding myself and my needs. I suspect that the better path is individual therapy first so …
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/22 06:20 PM
1

I was just giving him the benefit of the doubt on that bit.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/22 04:27 PM
3

Your marriage is short but anything that was purchased or earned by either of you during the term of the marriage is likely considered community property. That means it's 50% yours too. You aren't likely entitled for Spousal support for very long but you are entitled to it. I would start out asking for 3 years of support since you moved with her to Florida and haven't been able to find employment (or something like that). They will negotiate you down from there and it would usually be 1/2 to 2/3…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/22 01:24 AM
6

It's a mistake. I stayed, my kids suffered.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/22 07:00 PM
2

As a parent who has a coparent who plays our oldest son's angst well I'm torn. I'm sure what you say about mom is true. My oldest says I'm abusive. I'm not, I have boundaries. Skipping school or hiding in the bathroom to miss class, not doing your school work, not helping around the house, self harm, drugs, alcohol use, things like that go against my boundaries. Walking around the house constantly in a rage so that everyone else in the house has to walk on eggshells, punching holes in walls - al…
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/22 03:34 PM
1

Also, if your at 49/51 in income I can't imagine you're actually paying very much are you?
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/22 11:11 PM
1

You can only control what you can control but I would also talk to your attorney about her parents contribution to her income and how it impacts her ability to support herself. If she's getting the benefit of a rich relative then sometimes that can be taken into consideration in the support calculation against the receiving parent. If their living expenses are being paid for by someone else (mortgage/rent) then you shouldn't have to pay at the same level. A good attorney can really be very benef…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/22 11:10 PM
2

It's tough when you look at it that way but the money is to provide for your children's standard of living in both homes. It's supposed to provide for similar living circumstances so that one home isn't a mansion while the other is a 1br apartment for 3 people situation. If you're incomes are relatively equal then you shouldn't be paying anything but when your career starts rising then it's almost a disincentive or a tax on success because now you have to provide to the other parent (who may or …
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/22 05:46 PM
1

Link?
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/22 02:34 AM
7

Just because you have 50/50 custody does not mean you will not have child support. Child support is based on the difference in income & the timeshare. If your timeshare was less previously then I'm sure it'll go down but unless your incomes are similar it probably won't go away.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/22 10:36 PM
4

This is likely against Zelle's terms and conditions (like it specifically states you shouldn't use it for Child and Spousal Support payments).
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 10:14 PM
4

This is answer. If it doesn't look like progress is going to be made then let them know you would prefer not to waste your time and money in these meetings. First place to start on alimony is each of your incomes. She should be working full time, you may have to provide evidence that she can work full time and isn't. You may need to pay for an income study. The study should be funded by both of you to be neutral however and not just by one party. Our mediator just kept us going and going and her…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 09:57 PM
5

Unlikely to get that! You don't mention where you're at so it's hard to comment on the local laws you might be subject to.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 09:52 PM
1

I think HR will care about an employee creating a hostile work environment for another employee. This guy works with you and fucked your wife. How is that not creating a hostile work environment? It's a shit thing to do in your personal life and it's absolutely affecting your professional life. I think that if you have evidence it isn't out of the realm of possibility to out him. I would see if there were a quiet way to do it so that it couldn't be linked to you directly. Perhaps an anonymous ti…
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/22 03:04 PM
1

If you aren't paying spousal support then her ability to work or not doesn't matter. It isn't your obligation to support HER it's your obligation to support your child. Child support is designed to (fleece you) make sure both homes are somewhere near equal but in the event you're on the richer side it doesn't make sense to have you pay for a mansion for her just because you happen to be rich. Your child isn't a windfall... Your attorney should be helping you defend against this.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 03:12 AM
4

Dude needs to walk away if it is affecting him this way. He's basically proven the 'he is abusive and violent' case for his potentially soon to be ex-wife.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 02:56 AM
3

Well, then you're not doing it without a lawyer. Get a lawyer and file for divorce and get a court date. Don't make any financial changes until your date of separation is set. Take half your money out of the community bank accounts and setup your own new accounts, that sort of thing. Yeah, you could get screwed so get an attorney and follow their advice.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/22 05:38 PM
1

You need to talk to an attorney - it's a tough sell but maybe not impossible. It also would depend a bit on how willing your ex were to go along with this. Amicable? Maybe. Adversarial? Why would she? It's not an unreasonable ask really - she likely knows you intended to do this when you were married. A good attorney will help but it's a hard sell honestly.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/22 05:13 PM
2

start with a google of true people search to see if you can find his mailing address, hire a PI.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/22 12:49 AM
3

You need her to get a job. Period. When I discovered my sahm ex wife was having an affair the first thing I did was get her working back in her field of expertise. Within 18 months she was back to making over $100k. What she’s pissed about now is that I don’t pay her much in the way of spousal support.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/22 04:48 AM
3

Get an attorney to advise you on your actual rights and what you're entitled to. You can go to mediation without them but already prepared with what you're willing to accept. If she isn't willing to 'deal' then just end the mediation and tell her you're willing to let a judge decide.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 09:06 PM
3

We all fantasize a bit. I could never go back to my wife but I find myself wondering about her often enough. I know I could never go back. I still wonder. Those two things can coexist. It gets better with time of course.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/22 06:30 AM
2

What was the original discussion around who would contribute what when you got married? What expectation was set then? If she's not following through with it then sure, if you have changed your mind about what you want - well that's also valid. I had told my ex when we bought our home in the high cost of living area we bought in - 'If we buy this and have children, you have to keep working. I don't want to be the only one supporting us, I can't do it by myself.' She ended up quitting her job aft…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/22 04:41 PM
3

Stocks get weird if you don't straight up own them. Pre-IPO stocks don't exist. Having worked in CA for a private company with IPO stocks promised and then had the company not actually IPO I can tell you it's not real until the company goes public. She should get zero amount of something that doesn't actually exist. It only exists if the company goes public before your date of separation, then she has a claim on community property. After the date of separation she has a claim on profits you make…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/22 11:43 PM
2

So far my oldest is a little over 2 months. It sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/22 03:31 PM
4

Oh that's sweet.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/22 02:09 AM
2

For 10 years I would expect to pay some form of spousal support for 6-7 years. I wouldn't expect it to be tremendous and the longer you wait the longer you'll pay. You might not even have to pay at all depending on the circumstances and perhaps giving her a larger share of the assets during the split will allow you to move on alimony free. Will you get screwed? Yes, both of you will. Will you be better off in the long run leaving sooner than later if leaving is the right thing to do? Yes. Get a …
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/22 01:07 AM
3

Have your attorney ask for attorney's fees as part of your filing because the expectation that 50/50 doesn't include the overnight is completely bonkers. Having the kids come home to her at 7pm every night except every other weekend is not 50/50 at all and her attorney should have corrected her. Asking for attorney's fees will have her asking questions to her attorney. You won't get it but you can ask for it because she's not being settlement minded.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/22 12:43 AM
6

50-50 means they sleep at your place 50% of the time, not that they go to her place at 7pm. She's out of her damned mind and her attorney should correct her expectation. There isn't anything you can do about it though.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/22 11:03 PM
3

You need to take a high conflict coparenting class. I'm not saying don't fight - I'm just saying there is a way that you can do so without hurting your kids. Showing up with the cops to enforce the order with COVID testing uncertain (heck I wonder if they would even do that considering the circumstances) isn't the way that's going to make you look like the 'good guy.' Making a villain out of their mother (who is half of them) isn't going to make you look like the good guy or a great Dad in their…
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/22 10:43 PM
2

Do what's best to support your kids through this COVID thing. It's not 'normal' stuff. Showing up with the cops is just going to make things worse.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/22 10:08 PM
5

Yeah, My ex has my oldest following her version of making me the villain. Not much I can do about it - fighting it only plays into their narrative. Our youngest is much more mature and remains neutral as much as he can at this point. He does however, even if it's his mom's week, spend at least some of nearly every day with me. He comes here a few days a week to work on homework after school before his mother returns home from work.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/22 09:46 PM
5

You are not her slave, do not agree to her terms. Talk to an attorney and file for divorce. How long have you been married, where are you located? Laws vary depending on location.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/22 04:15 PM
3

First step is to work with your attorney to understand what you're entitled to and what you aren't. What you are entitled to, ask for and don't back down on unless the other party is giving something equitable in return. What you aren't entitled to - be ready to deal on. If you're going for primary custody of your children you better have an iron clad reason to do so otherwise you're just wasting money. By Iron clad I mean - criminal charges could be filed. Otherwise the court isn't going to wan…
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/22 01:49 AM
5

Family court isn't about fair. Equitable doesn't mean fair. It sucks. Still, with a short marriage of 4.5 years you will likely not pay support for very long if you have to. Usually half the term of the marriage. Divorce is expensive because it's worth it. If paying will get it done quicker - pay. Don't give any more actual money until the thing is finalized though. Hold all payments until the divorce is finalized to encourage her to stop being so avoidant (like my ex was/is).
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/22 09:03 PM
1

What the hell man, why would you give up what you're entitled to? If you're entitled to support, both spousal and child support TAKE IT. Giving it up does nothing but HURT you and your kids. You're entitled to it. At least negotiate spousal support for half the duration of your marriage and take child support at the guidelines for your state. All things being equal in a no fault divorce - then all things should be as close to EQUAL as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/22 07:51 PM
19

Why in the would would you even do it? I'm in a similar situation and I can't imagine a scenario where I would have to meet this guy or at least have to meet him an 'acknowledge' that he's more than scenery. I'll acknowledge his existence if I ever have to and then I'll just move right along to the next person. He's nothing and nobody and I don't want to give him the impression that he's anything but my ex-wife's childhood trauma defined in "human" being.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/22 04:59 AM
1

It depends on where you live. In California any change in circumstances can have an affect on both child and spousal support. Now you can't quit your job and expect to pay less. If she's a stay at home mom with her new partner and they aren't married - even in California cohabitation can impact spousal support. If she weren't working then it might be possible to count her partner's income if he's supporting her, especially if he is wealthy. If you have had a change in income that is lower by rea…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/22 07:16 AM
8

Check her post history, she's a serial Affair Partner it looks like (Hey, if I'm wrong just let me know). I think when she says 'the way you love is different' I believe she means that people don't understand extramarital affairs. Whatever. I appreciate the sentiment but cheating isn't misunderstood. It's abuse.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/22 10:32 PM
1

Dude, if your current attorney won't listen to you. Get a different one.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/21 06:02 AM
1

Yeah, I did read that a little wrong so it seemed a little fresher but it's still a thing honestly and depending on the state and how she approaches things it could impact your settlement.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/21 11:25 PM
2

It also will depend on the state your in and if it's a no fault state or if it's a fault state. Your affair in a fault state could have significant impact on the asset division. Having been cheated on myself, I hope she is able to get what she is entitled to from you. I live and divorced in a no fault state and now pay THOUSANDS monthly to my lying, cheating, manipulating, abusive ex-wife. My advice to you, for your children's sake is to worry less about the money - it will work out the way it i…
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/21 05:46 PM
1

Right, retroactivity is hard to establish and it's only able to really be done if you're waiting for an adjustment AND have filed with the court for a change of circumstances. I'm trying to get my ex to agree to an adjustment and because our divorce wasn't finalized it's been complicated and she's done every single thing she can do to delay and continue getting more money than she's entitled to. It's frustrating as hell. She's made it clear she intends to make everything as difficult as possible…
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/21 05:07 PM
1

Why would it be considered a gift though? I don't understand, I do pay voluntarily while I wait for our judgement to be signed off on. Our agreement states that there are no arrears owed, etc. I'm supposed to pay this month's support by today but I haven't because she's been dragging her feet for months on adjusting child support based on her new income. I'll probably hand her the checks with the old amounts on them tonight but fuck I don't know what the consequences are if I don't pay this mont…
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/21 01:00 AM
2

Keep that text and any other communication like it showing she intends to obstruct the divorce process. Then GO DIRECTLY TO YOUR ATTORNEY and have them file ASAP AND ASK FOR ATTORNEY'S FEES FROM HER because she's obstructing and doing everything she can to delay. It's a game of 'how much is it going to cost to fight' constantly. Look at what it's going to go cost you to fight for something and then decide if it is worth it or not. My ex fights over EVERYTHING. she delays EVERYTHING. She got a ne…
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/21 07:52 PM
3

You agreed to a shitty contract that you probably didn't understand at the time was in fact just a contract. A contract on all your earnings. A contract on all your property. It's essentially a lien on all your earnings and a debt you will have to repay for the time she spent with you. Problem is, you agreed to it. You weren't fully appraised of your rights before hand but you can't really claim that in court. 'I didn't know' isn't a defense here. It isn't 'fair' but you know what they say, why …
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/21 09:28 PM
2

If she's doing this after the date of separation it'll be her debt. Make sure your date of separation if not already set gets set to BEFORE she started running up the debt.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/21 06:37 PM
3

So far, nothing honestly. I was/am the petitioner and she just gets to delay delay delay. If you aren't getting anywhere in 3 or so mediation sessions, set a court date.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/21 01:19 AM
3

Separations rarely work. If you're not in some sort of couples and individual therapy with goals to figure out how to get back together then there just isn't any purpose to it unless it is somehow saving you or her on support. What exactly do you get out of moving out? What are your 'rules of engagement'? Are you staying monogamous? If the last one is 'no' then I would lean towards just filing for divorce. You can always get back together if that's in the cards (it usually isn't). You're looking…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/21 05:37 PM
1

No problem
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/21 08:39 AM
8

I do not mind if a woman I’m interested in hasn’t been married or has never had kids. You have to understand that I am unlikely to ‘marry’ again but I am interested in a long term relationship - just not mixing finances legally again because I can’t afford to lose it all again.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/21 08:23 AM
7

It can be freeing in a way to realize the demise of your marriage really had very little to do with you but instead was about her and whatever is going on inside her heart and mind. When someone cheats - it's about THEM, not their significant other. I was working so hard at our marriage. When I found out about her affair I was destroyed and I desperately tried to recover our marriage. After a while though, with therapy and some reading and re-reading my own journaling of previous stuff I realize…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/21 04:53 PM
1

You deserve a lot of ire but you seem to have remorse. Remorse in my book gets a more equitable deal. If my STBX had any remorse this would be a very different conversation...
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/21 11:55 PM
6

moot.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/21 10:26 PM
3

You have predicted my future here I suspect.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/21 03:21 PM
5

Thanks for sharing. It helps a little.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/21 09:51 PM
4

Stop looking for the truth from someone who is lying to themselves.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/21 08:44 PM
2

If she makes more than you there is a good chance she will have to pay you child support (assuming 50/50 custody) and perhaps spousal support. It depends on where you're located. Get a good lawyer who focuses on mediation and not litigation. Find a mediator to work with between the two of you. Don't leave the marital home. Don't do anything rash like empty the bank accounts, even taking 'your half' can be considered rash by the other party but you are entitled to that. Many folks say assets are …
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/21 02:59 PM
5

You know what they say, the reason divorce is so expensive is because it is worth it. You're looking at redefining the next decade or two of your financial future. You don't mention the circumstances of your divorce so no idea if there are things that can make it tense like infidelity or anything like that. Your Wife is a SAHM which means she doesn't have any income right now likely - how old are you? Young kids, is your intention to continue supporting her or does she need to get a job? Does sh…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/21 05:15 PM
13

I find dating to be fun honestly. At this point in life I'm pretty satisfied with myself and figure if someone likes me for me then great - if they don't - that's fine too. I'm not changing for anyone else (not that I'm against change and personal growth - change is the only constant). When I go out with someone I intend to get to know them and see what kind of connection we might have. Perhaps it is friendship but perhaps it is more, perhaps there is strong chemistry (I Fricking LOVE THAT) but …
/r/seduction28/11/20 08:56 PM
1

Or simply don’t enter into a legal marriage contract.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/20 12:55 AM
1

Really depends a bit on your location. If you're in the US - you're outlook will be looked upon as EXTREMELY backwards and old-school. Most states I think are coming to the point where the person at a disadvantage is the high earner for obvious reasons. Sex frequency isn't really considered in the law at all and unless any abuse is EXTREMELY well documented or physical it won't be considered if you're the man. If you're the woman you just have to say you're abused and the court believes you basi…
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/20 10:56 PM
1

If the state is a community property state I'm not sure it matters who is on the title or mortgage.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/20 10:38 PM
2

None of the attorneys and none of the documentation on spousal support indicate that just because you make it to to 10 years mean you must pay lifetime support. It’s supposed to be rehabilitative. Unless your older and approaching retirement or your wife has never worked and always stayed home then you will probably pay for at least half the length of your marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/20 06:50 AM
1

It absolutely does.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/20 04:08 AM
3

She can make the argument of course but it's totally traceable and hasn't been spent. The account had a lot of cash in it already. The amount of money in the account never went below the amount of this inheritance. In fact the account has barely been touched in the time since it was deposited. It's very traceable as my inheritance. My attorney felt confident it was mine and told me I should protect it by moving it. The will from my family member regarding this is also specific that it is for ME …
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/20 11:46 PM
1

Attorney validated much of the situation but she also did something critical to my well being. She VALIDATED my feelings of how absolutely shitty this situation is. The mediator and my STBX have been invalidating me and I've been allowing that. I'm no longer going to accept them telling me I am wrong. I'm not. This is fucking lame that I and our children are paying for her selfish acts. It just is. She is entitled to all of this from me. It is lame. I am entitled to my fears. I had some other qu…
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/20 12:11 AM
2

Yeah, if it goes down like that it'll be pretty bad for my mental health, my job performance is already suffering. The stress level of all of this is extremely high and I have no intention of being her slave or giving her the control of my well being any longer.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/20 06:09 PM
1

To my knowledge she does not have a lawyer yet. I filed and she should be receiving the acknowledgement paperwork within the next week or two.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/20 06:05 PM
1

I absolutely want to avoid the nuclear option if possible. I will fight for my children's home if I have to but I she has been saying all along that she doesn't want them to lose it. I am pissed about the affair but we are in California and folks can have as many affairs as they want here (eyeroll). Her AP is married and lives in another state, she isn't moving in with him any time soon unless he's leaving his wife (which they say she is mentally ill so that's why it's okay for him to have an af…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/20 04:10 PM
2

The short term disomaster was ridiculous too. I wouldn't be able to afford the place SHE is in at the moment with those numbers and they are so high when my commissions are in the usual range I end up taking home as much as $750 less than if the commissions weren't even there until they hit a threshold of being OVER $4200. That's a really decent month - not the best but really good. The usual is in the $2500-3500 range and in those cases with commissions - I net quite a bit less money. He asked …
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/20 06:00 AM
1

What a bullshit system. I just put a spreadsheet together based on the 18% number for my base pay and then using that same number to take out of my commissions. My income gets destroyed to the point where I might not be able to afford to keep the house as she wants me to. It bring my remaining income after housing expenses (not including day to day type stuff) to just under $800 a month on average. Sure some months might be better than others but I don't have any money to actually DO anything. I…
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/20 09:37 PM
2

It's hard to find out how the Smith-Ostler percentages might change as my income increases. If I just use a fixed percentage based on the standard Child Support + Spousal Support that's 18% (Before taxes of course). Sometimes my commissions are a bit on the high side like right after the fiscal year closes and they are catching up with the final payments. At those times it is bitter sweet in that I get KILLED by taxes. So now I'm going to get more KILLED by this and if the percentages either sta…
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/20 08:16 PM
2

Fucking exactly brother.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/20 08:10 PM
1

We have the initial guideline minus the commissions part.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/20 07:05 PM
2

Yeah, I saw that which is why I referenced the cap idea. I'm still reading about it but I honestly think getting a good lawyer (I feel Like I have one but haven't been using them to respect the mediation process) to help me craft an offer might be a good way to go.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/20 06:02 PM
1

In mediation what the question was is what was my 401k balance when we married in 2003. If mine is commingled and we are going to have to assume that she is entitled to half then shouldn’t hers be as well even though she contributed less due to staying home with the kids? This is a question for the lawyers obviously but in mediation we can ‘agree’ on anything regardless of what a judge might decide. Honestly I suspect it’s less than $30k so I would lose $15k if I can’t ‘prove’ the amount.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/20 12:24 AM
3

Bummer
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/20 05:49 PM
2

Are your accounts co-mingled or not? Is your state a community property state? Is your state a no-fault state?
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/20 05:27 PM
1

I don’t think I’m most states child support is negotiable.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/20 06:54 PM
3

6 years isn't long enough to get her lifetime support. In California she would likely get 3 years of support based on my understanding (not a lawyer but short term marriages are noted to usually get support for HALF the length of the marriage). If you have already given her money I would talk to your lawyer and get some actual advice and then if the relationship is so toxic perhaps offer her a mediation option (where you don't have to be in the room with her) and if she doesn't go for that get a…
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/20 12:34 AM
2

They have to 'like' you back to be able to message them right?
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/20 06:33 PM
1

The heck you say! Nobody likes you captain obvious (Kidding). :) I'm 46 too, my soon to be ex is 53 but I have always thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Still do really. It's tough. I put a profile out there too - it's lame. I didn't expect much and don't really need much. I got one like. That felt alright and she was attractive enough really (I didn't need a supermodel) but I haven't messaged her back. I'm still cohabitation and really didn't intend to meet with anyone un…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/20 05:53 PM
2

Honestly man - do you have some close friends? There were times when things were the worst when my best friends were the best and they gave me great hugs. I called my mother and cried, I called my former scoutmaster (who happens to be my Stepdad now - long story - sounds sordid but isn't) and he has really helped. My father and I aren't on great terms. Friends give good hugs, it's not the same as a lover or a wife but it is what it is. You don't have that now. It's a tough adjustment. As patheti…
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/20 06:02 PM
15

I know I will be okay, I know I will be there for my children. I don't know if we are getting a divorce but the way it looks now it's a pretty good chance. I hope not, still - after everything I'm hoping we can do a dive and catch but she's struggling with a lot of mental health issues, self esteem, being able to support herself (though she was sure I could support us?). I know I'm a good dad. I know I am a good husband who is willing to be better. I know I made mistakes. I don't know if it is t…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/20 10:11 PM
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