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psychcaptain Archive

View 3 posts and 85 comments by psychcaptain on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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4

Well, you could remind him that he is not the problem. Or at least not all of it. That there was a failure to communicate and the other person should have been more upfront. Also, go out running with him. Or to a bar. Don't let him doing anything too self destructive. Remind him that he has friends and family or to focus on his kids. Tell him you love him and that he is lovable.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 01:31 PM
1

I have a 30/70 split right now, because I drive over 2 hours a day for work. I just can't be there for the kids and the mornings or afternoons, and I have zero family in country. I have requested medical accomodations, and I hope to move to a 50/50 split with 2/2/3. Maybe 40/60 of 2/4/2, if I can't get my full accomodations.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 06:07 PM
8

Yeah, she started an emotional affair, decided to pull the plug. The good news is, her affair will fizzle out after about a year or so. This means nothing to you, because you will have rebuilt yourself and maybe started realizing that there are better people out there.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 11:12 AM
2

Nope. Here is the thing, if you confront her,.you will get one chance to get all the information you can, while she is confused and defensive. After that, she will buckle down and lock down. Also, if you make wild claims, many people will reveal lesser truths to defend themselves. I remember when I confront my wife about her dating. I got it into my head she was on tinder (she was not) but she was so defensive to admitted to when and where she was texting her AP, as if to rationalize everything.…
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/26 04:42 PM
3

It's also not what people are saying. Teenagers are wired to stay up later than young children or adults, and have trouble waking up timely. Schools that implemented a later start time found the teens do better in class, on tests and pretty much everything. Once you stop fighting nature and evolution, the kids start to flourish.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/26 05:08 PM
3

Nothing in life is objective, but ignoring that, I can dislike the person my wife has become and still appreciate who she was when we were married. Our time together wasn't a waste, and her failures should not diminish the life that I had.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 04:11 PM
2

Pleasure? No, my comment was more about me realizing how little intimacy we had in our marriage. How guarded she always was. Not that nudes are necessary to establish or be emotionally intimate. It's not, but it is an example of a willingness to be vulnerable with your partner. Anyway, I am keeping my pictures. Through my grief, I have earned the right to keep them and to hold on to those Memories fondly despite being discarded by her.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 02:28 PM
4

Sad about the purge...what a waste of good memories. I kept all of my pictures. This is an unwanted divorce, the woman that is pushing this divorce is not the one I married. So, I will retain the pictures because those Memories were good. Sadly, no nudes.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 10:44 AM
-1

I just can't get 50/50 at all. Fucking Donald Trump is making me drive 2.5 hours a day and I live in a town and country with almost zero connections. I have no way of picking up my 4 year old at pre school with me working so far away from town. So, I have a 30/70 split where I have them every Sunday and Monday and every other Friday and Saturday. If Donald Trump dies and his illegal executive order gets resinded before the divorce is finalized, I will jump on 50/50 split. Having Telework back wo…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 02:39 AM
4

Indeed, that is a good answer. For me, I realized that I also fell in love with who I thought she could be.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 12:29 PM
1

What part isn't? No one cares about the crap present or card, but it's about the kids getting to show that they care. You know that gifting giving is about the joy of giving something to someone you care about, right?
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 01:24 PM
0

It's not about you. It's about the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 01:19 PM
1

Sadly, I had only 1, and she had me delete it years before.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/26 02:26 AM
20

I am keeping them all. The woman I married might be gone now, but she existed, and those years were meaningful to me. As I see it, the woman in those pictures is not the woman who asked for a divorce and I won't confuse the two.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 11:01 AM
2

They like it, except that they have to take a different bus to school on Mondays. Anyway, I need to help them personalize their rooms more.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 07:33 PM
8

I hate to say this, but she won't come back and you don't want her to come back. What you want is a version of her that didn't discard you and will treat you well and that version may never exist. But, if it were to exist, I would probably not be for years from now, so in the mean time. Grow as a person, experience life and figure out what makes you happy. If life pulls you two together, it will be as two different people starting a new and healthier relationship in which both of you can thrive.…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 02:44 PM
3

That is the goal. And in the last 7 or 8 months, my relationship with them has improved significantly. At the same time, I have reached out to friends and it made me realize that I had a good sized network of people that liked me. Not just for what I can provide, but like me as a person outside of my marriage and kids. That was really eye opening and made me realize just how little self esteem I had. Anyway, April, I finally moved out because co habitating was just too much for me. I have a plac…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 12:08 PM
5

It's tough coming to terms with your own faults, but remember, it takes two and everyone plays a part. For me, I was way to hands off with the kids. I realize that I was undermined a lot by my wife and just withdrew, like my own father did, from being active in family life. I played the role of provider and I would be part of what was going on, but I never put myself forward for fear of messing up. My wife had unresolved trauma that made her a people pleaser and unable to communicate clearly her…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 11:37 AM
3

I am glad to hear that. I had a Whatsapp chat set up for both my MIL and Mom and my wife. I keep using it to post pictures of the kids. My MIL uses it as well. So far, my MIL seems to still like me, but she keeps her distance while we are in the middle of all of this.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 01:53 AM
5

She is for the streets now buddy. In truth, it sounds like you should ask her to leave, if you can afford to live on your own.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 10:29 PM
3

I would go through with the separation and find time to work on yourself. And if she works on herself, maybe leave the door open to start a brand new relationship with her. This relationship is dead. A new one might work. It might now.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 08:50 PM
4

I would have to. My kids are just too important to screw up
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 02:36 PM
11

The person you married is not the person you are divorcing. Honor the person you married by remembering her fondly as you move on.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/26 09:52 PM
1

In what state? In PA, if the gift came after the date of separation, it would not be a marital property. But both parties would need to agree on the date of separation.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 01:54 PM
1

Well said.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 10:54 AM
2

Sometimes that is all you can do. Keep doing the good work.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/26 09:22 PM
5

That is so sad for her. Great for you, and she probably gets what she deserves, but still... I hate when people make bad decisions.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/26 03:29 PM
5

Give it 2 years. But dont expect it to lead to anything.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 11:25 AM
1

Get a pair of cats!
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 10:04 PM
8

You did well buddy!
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 11:36 AM
1

That is tough. I don't have an answer because it depends on where you both are emotionally.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 05:32 PM
15

So, since this is so fresh, I want to tell you advice that helped me during this period of time. Even if you want to save your marriage, you can't. Something was wrong and she never communicated it to you. And that is her fault. Not yours, because you would have changed if you knew. So, here is the advice I got. Whether you wish you could reconnect with her, or just go your own way, the steps you should take are exactly the same. You are going to start investing hard into those kids of yours. Yo…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 05:17 PM
10

My understanding is that it does happen...in 4-6% of divorces. But that success seems to depend on both of you torching your current marriage to the ground and starting from scratch. Which means both of you need to have moved on, healed and been ready to love other people...it just happens to be that those other people are the healed versions of yourself that did not exist in the marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 05:43 PM
0

Might be best to get her involved early and keep the both of you steady. Nothing like a little conspiracy to help get you both through this.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 05:40 PM
1

I appreciate that. And I 100% do agree with you that if you are at that stage, it's over.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 02:07 PM
1

No, it's not a contradiction. It's nuance. The act of begging isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of love and should be seen as such. But it is a sign that the love is one sided and that the relationship is over. Basically, I am stating you are wrong about what begging means, but I am agreeing with you about what the outcome of begging is.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 11:16 AM
5

You should tell his wife. She deserves to know.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 11:11 AM
1

Counter point.... I think there is nothing wrong with begging your wife to stay with you. Begging shows that there is more love than pride in your heart. That being said, I agree that it can shift the power dynamics, and honestly, it's probably for the best that you don't get back together. The woman that needs to be begged to stay is not a woman that you can count on. So, although I have no problem with any spouse begining their significant other to stay and work on the relationship, I do think…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 10:52 AM
2

Remember, those kids are yours and that is winning in every way that counts. But, yeah, this sucks. You will have to deal with the feelings and emotions, but remember that what she is doing is more of a reflection of who she is now, not who you are, or what the marriage used to mean. She isn't the person you married.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 11:34 AM
1

You burning out won't help anyone. You need to set boundaries and let her know that you won't do XYZ. Don't get into the why or fairness or anything. Just start carving out time that she is going to be responsible for the kids. And let her know it is up to her to arrange child care. It hurts but you have to. The kids... Well, they will be hurt, but you need to carve out your time as well.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 07:37 PM
1

OP, just stop being so giving. I know the kids come first, but she has a role to play. When in doubt... Call her parents and asked them to help out.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 07:35 PM
4

I feel like my wife wanted to do that. But I caught on to the emotional affair guy in January. I think it broke her world and what she wanted, although I doubt she would have moved quickly because her reputation was important to her. Anyway, there is a lot of research on affairs partnerships and how long they will last. You will heal and grow from this. She won't.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/26 01:38 PM
5

I don't know if it's women. It seems to be true in my case, but that is a very small sample and our pick sample is definitely not random. I will say, I recently joined Instagram, and there are a lot of posts of women living there best lives after divorce. So, there is a lot of glamorizing of divorce. Anyway, my understanding is that for some people, divorce is hard, but it can be made more acceptable to individual by rationalizing the divorce. This means focusing on everything wrong to justify t…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 12:01 PM
5

Not so much revenge as I want justice and to have my pain and heartache seen and felt by my ex. My understanding is that the pain she caused will catch up to her. It will take a while and I won't be there to see it, but regret shows up especially with how she ended it. (Note, that is not saying anyone wants to get back together, just that there will be regret).
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 09:56 AM
8

I am worried that she is realizing she is not prepared to live on her own and might be procrastinating to stay on our insurance and keep me financially involved. She wanted this divorce since July and only filed in January. I think what spooked her is that I found out about the emotional affair and that it turned physical in January. I felt much more at fault for the divorce before I discovered that and have been far less generous to her. She can figure it out. We will do 30/70 split and she can…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 02:52 PM
3

I am so glad that my wife is so worried about her reputation as a good mom that she only posts the most mundane things on Facebook and Instagram
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 09:34 PM
1

Here is the thing. It may be that the marriage as you know it is gone. That doesn't mean a new relationship can't be possible, but I feel like it won't take root until this one is let go. That being said, I was hopefully like you, but it turns out, right before the separation started, she had started an emotional affair with someone else. And I didn't find out about it until months later when it seemed to have turned physical. This helped me set up boundaries which made her lean in more to me...…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 11:54 AM
1

Yeah, it sounds like you aren't communicating at all effectively. Well, that is that. But, I would always suggest having a conversation letting her know what direction you are going. Be fair, honest and vulnerable. And allow her to respond without getting defensive. Because that is a natural reaction and you should be prepared for it with openness and compassion. Sometimes, people need an awakening. Of course, short term changes is not the same as long term changes so be open about what you need…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 08:18 PM
5

Couples Therapy and probably divorce. But couples therapy first.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 08:04 PM
2

Indeed. Him and his mother in law can set firm boundaries and expect her to take responsibility for her time with her kids.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 02:48 PM
9

She did love you. She just dropped and now is trying to rewrite history to make it easier on herself. This is all a defense mechanism to make her decision less uncomfortable for herself
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 01:58 AM
2

Dogs are great, but I have always been a cat person. And I have 2.5 hours of commute, and no dog should have to deal with me being away so long. But a bonded pair of cats, they should have a great time. That being said, my Union keeps fighting to get telework back, but you know how awful the current administration is.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 10:24 AM
3

I plan to get 2 cats when I move out. I figure it is safer than whiskey.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 02:02 AM
3

Early 40s with 3 kids Yeah, I think I am just a few months behind you. Same rollercoaster.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 03:52 AM
2

I have found some. I have been told that my grief was/is deep because I loved deeply. More deeply than she could love me. Knowing that I am capable makes me hopefully in the future. Also, I know her complaints, and although they do not tell anywhere near a full story, I have made myself accountable for them but I also know that I can't change it and she never communicated it effectively. I have forgiving myself. And finally, most affair relationships fail after a year or two and maybe one day sh…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 12:54 AM
3

It started as an emotional affair that gave her the confidence to want a separation. And continued while we were cohabitating and I was trying to keep our marriage together. How often or when it became physical are things I do not need to know. Next month I am moving out and hopefully the divorce will be finalized soon after (my attorney complains that her attorney is very slow).
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 05:47 PM
2

If it wasn't for the affair, I would have more hope for us. Now it's just me.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 04:14 PM
4

You are allowed to set boundaries. You are allowed to say, no, I am not watching the kids for X hours at this time. Find alternative care. You are about to delve into co parenting, and part of that is clear communications. My cohabitating STBXW wanted to go on a weekend get away on the 28th after I agreed to watch the kids on the 28rh for the Philly Flower Show. I told her no...she asked several times, and I said that down the sake of stability of the children, she could not take a 3 day weekend…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 08:15 AM
2

You don't have to live the lie. You shouldn't tell your kids. But anyone that comes over can learn about it.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 09:44 PM
2

Repair should come right now.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 03:38 PM
2

You can tell her that while you are cohabitating under the same roof, it would make you feel uncomfortable if she pursued intimacy under your roof (especially if you are paying any or all of it). She can move out if she wants to get her jollies off. Anyway, I assume she is moving her emotional affair to a physical one if she has not already.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 10:08 PM
1

I get that. But trust me, having a Kind and Considerate person just be okay with cheating on you stings in its only special hellish way. But, despite her being nice, the origin is the same. Your wife has flipped a switch. She is making a major decision that is harmful to both of you. So to protect herself, she is completely focused on every wrong thing you have committed. So, keep in mind, she is not being fair to you at all because to be fair would be to accept some responsibility and doing tha…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 09:26 PM
2

Oh. My wife tried to do that briefly when I discovered her affair. Tried to minimize her lying and affair. Tried to say I invaded her privacy, tried to make me the offender. She.dropped it very quickly and spent the night throwing up because of what I discovered. I think the shame was too much. She has since returned to her normal 'pleasant' ways. But, I am much less giving during this divorce and working on boundaries while we cohabitate. Anyway, I haven't heard too much about it since. I am hy…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 06:02 PM
1

It might. But at this point I feel like working on yourself and keeping low contact will give you back your dignity. My problem is that my wife continues to try to be kind and helpful. And I worry it's because she is just trying to manage my emotions (she is very anxious).
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 05:59 PM
1

What is DARVO?
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 02:31 PM
5

Emotional affairs can happen online. It's what happened to me when my wife wanted a divorce after 17 years together and 3 years. I think it's a combination of an Aviodant attachment person and having Stay At Home Mom be your biggest ambition.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 01:47 PM
5

You have to just set up good boundaries. And it might help to think of the woman in your house as someone different and new. The woman you love is gone. She is your past and you love her. This woman is not her, sadly. And is probably finding an emotional connection with someone else. So, its time to find therapy, rediscover hold hobbies and exercise. One thing I was always jealous of was all the oils and creams my wife used as part of her rituals. I have great skin and I don't need much, but I w…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 12:48 PM
2

Go into couples counseling. Ask the hard questions of each other. See where you are both missing your connections.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 12:14 AM
2

I wish it could be that simple.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 08:13 PM
7

If you are a father, you are always a father!
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 06:35 PM
3

Since the goal of my wife is to get out from being a Mother at least some of the time and my parents are willing to bank roll me for a while, I have more Faith in my wife. Except she is a cheating adulteress.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 12:36 AM
1

??? It sounds like you are referring to me, but I have never seen anything from the therapist. I will say, her new found courage did help her pull the trigger. I am looking back at my relationship, and I see all the times she has failed to put me first. To make space for me without the kids. I became a co-parent, not a partner. In some ways, the divorce has shown me what I lacked or was just good enough for our relationship. If it weren't for the cheating, I honestly could have gone out with jus…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/26 06:29 PM
2

I pushed my wife... She did Girls on the Run and felt empowered working with the kids. She started therapy and quickly discovered she didn't love me. And she started getting noticed by a 3rd party. And when 2024 election happened and shit became hard at home for me and at work, she decided that we needed to separate. So, I am just saying, therapy might not have saved anything. It might have just pushed her further on a journey without you.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/26 02:55 PM
2

Mine Monkey Branched, supposedly after she said she wanted to separate, but since it's a guy from over 15 years ago, I think they had an online affair for a while. We are cohabitating for 7 month, but I found out when she forgot to log out of Chrome a few weeks ago. She had been sharing her location with the guy for a while, and some of those natural products to make sex better. I confronted her a few days later after finding sexy panties in the laundry. I think the guilt may have fucked her up …
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/26 12:59 PM
1

I think I did a lot of honest soul searching in those months and came out a better parent (also, ironically, a better spouse in some ways). I am looking forward to applying it without her
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 08:57 AM
2

Thank you! I appreciate it. The kids can help to.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 08:55 AM
1

Oh that is amazing. I will be moving into a smaller space (with 3 bedrooms) for the first year or so, while I figure out me. After that, I plan to look for a place to settle.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 07:12 PM
3

Oh god. That hot wife strikes for me as well. And hot in an elegant way. Too bad my wife is super avoidant and just decided to focus her entire energy into being a mom. Now she has finally 'found' herself and there is no we (but there is some other guy). So, now while we are cohabitating, I am looking for a place relatively close by that the kids can stay at on weekends. I hope to have 40/50 custody next year, after the fires are put out, but for now she will stay in our home and keep the kids g…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 01:53 AM
1

I know that pain. You have to deal with it but it does hurt. Keep in mind, you will come out of this the other side and you will be with your son and that is the most important thing to latch on to. Get therapy, start a journal of the ups and downs, talk to a Large Language Model (they have a lot of resources and are good at reviewing actions). Keep in mind, you will be working on yourself for your kid. You will review your actual faults, not the overblown ones that protect her narrative, and fi…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 04:15 PM
2

Well, for my wife it's more that I learned that she is avoidant. That she constantly tries to avoid confrontation or bad outcomes, so we never really talked about what the problems of our relationship were, except in brief conversations. For myself, it was the need to be chosen by my wife. That she was that person that I constantly felt was my person 100% and that I felt I needed that, whether in life, or on Facebook posts. So, I am learning to choose myself. I am learning that I miss what she r…
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 11:54 AM
7

It's man made, but unlike me, it has access to information about attachment styles, flight or fight responses, books and papers written by psychologists of all manor of specialties. Honestly, the literature on the subject is vast and my own divorce situation isn't all that unique no matter how kind my wife is/was. Honestly, it has helped me move into grieving what I am losing, not the wife I have.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 03:07 AM
7

She did love you once. But, what she thought she was communicating wasn't getting to you. At this point, having gone through the same thing, I don't think there is a lot you can do but survive and stay super calm and respectful. And keep in mind, right now she is hyper focused on what you did wrong. This is a defense mechanism for her, because divorce is scary for everyone and usually a net negative. What she is telling you is her narrative at this moment. It will be months, if not years before …
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 02:43 AM
2

Remember, you have 6 years of being inside each other's orbits, in each other's lives. There are a lot of reflexes and conditioning that you have to unlearn. After you have, you might have a chance at finding something special, either with someone else, or even her again. I am going through that right now, but we are forced to cohabitate because of children and finances. In a few months, I will move out and hopefully build a home that my children can visit on weekends (week days if we can ever g…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 11:28 AM
1

I am starting on that route, also with 3 young kids and all that jazz. I heard her complaints, and they were real, but by the time she said something, she had already checked out. My understanding is she found someone else from her past, and has connected with him.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 10:46 PM
6

God, you are smart man. I spent several months cohabitating, trying to be the man she wanted, and only found out recently she was seeing someone else. Even now, I miss 'her' or at least what she represented. Co Habituating makes it harder. I think I will eventually be okay, but I need to leave the small town where we made our home.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 09:19 PM
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