Help please

upvotersfortruth · 2026-03-14T08:56:24+00:00

Take a deep breath. Play it cool. Make a few appointments with lawyers. Sounds like she’s cheating - at the minimum emotionally.

SaaSWriters · 2026-03-14T04:15:28+00:00

She owns the house

It might just be that you both own the house. A lawyer will explain to you.

Since that isn't my situation,

You don't yet know your situation. Her lawyers have probable advised her to allege abuse since that's the most effective way to seperate your from your children. And that separation ensures she gets paid till they are adults.

who do I talk to get ready for the divorce?

My best advice is talk to at least 25 lawyers - many do offer free initial consultations. If you can pay for some, do that.

You will have people tell you that it's an overkill. Don't put yourself in a situation where you'll wish you did do that. First of all, you have been blindsided once but that's just the beginning.

The more you know, the more likely you will have a good outcome.

One of my associates has excellent resources online for fathers who live in the US. He fought for years and eventually won full custode. I live in the UK and I help fathers through this process (so I have a small network of people who work with fathers.) Again, don't wait till you experience the negative effects till you learn how fathers are treated in family courts.

Il_Valentino · 2026-03-13T23:14:39+00:00

Realize romantic love is a temporary biological mechanism. There was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

Realize building your life on a modern marriage is like building on sand, learn from your mistake and don't fall for the same trap again.

Lawyer up to protect yourself. Do not trust her words, only watch her actions and react accordingly. Also get out of the house ASAP, she could make up accusations while you are still living there.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-03-13T22:20:32+00:00

This will get you started:

You can't "save" your marriage. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ra1kzy/fundamentals_marriage_counseling_does_not_work/

You need to retain an attorney ASAP. Here's why and how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/

Don't move out of your home until the divorce is final. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/

Once you read through those, ask any questions here.

PostTrenchesDad · 2026-03-13T21:01:38+00:00

Last night. Man, I'm sorry. That empty feeling sitting across from your kids trying to act normal - I remember that clearly.

First - breathe. You don't need to have everything figured out today.

On the practical side - Even though it's amicable now, talk to a lawyer. Not to fight her, but to understand your rights and what to expect. Oregon has specific custody laws for kids this young. You need to know what 50/50 custody actually looks like, what financial obligations exist, how child support works.

Most family lawyers offer free consultations. Find one who specializes in fathers' rights or collaborative divorce. Get the information now while things are civil.

On telling the girls - Don't do it until you and your wife have a plan you both agree on. What are you telling them? Where is everyone living? What does their schedule look like? Five-year-olds need concrete answers, not vague "mommy and daddy are separating."

Work that out with her first. Then tell them together if possible.

On the empty feeling - It's going to be there for a while. You can still be an amazing dad even when you feel empty inside. The twins won't remember if you were a little quieter for a few weeks. They'll remember that you showed up.

Give yourself permission to not be okay right now. You just found out last night.

One day at a time. Get through today. Talk to a lawyer this week. Figure out the next step with your wife. Don't try to plan the whole divorce in 24 hours.

It gets less heavy. Not fast, but it does.

Fuck is right.

team_starfox3 · 2026-03-13T19:43:18+00:00

12 yrs and only 1 married.

Yeah women get bored after 10yrs, they think they need to be wildly in love like.when you first meet.

If you really want tk stay with her and continue it, quietly keep trying snd work on yourself and try to dig a bit to get down to what the real problem is to work on it. Don't move out until things end, but just focus on being a better person, man father.

Youll almost need to carry on with the idea that youll get things turned around, but At the same time, you have to have a plan for when/if does

OchoZeroCinco · 2026-03-13T19:41:54+00:00

Suggest to her to each take a twin, and switch them every month. While this is a bad idea in so many ways, it will effectively make her head spin. Goal achieved to make her think deep and realize that her decision is not that easy.. and is way more complex. This puts you at an advantage, imo

lurk1ng · 2026-03-13T18:57:49+00:00

Married last year?? At least a man will get half of the woman's house for a change.

You'll be ok. This will make you stronger. Focus on bettering yourself and the kids. Telling them will be tough. Mine were 7, 10 and 12 when we told them, and it was gut wrenching.

You didn't ask, but be the better person when things get nasty (and they will), never involve the kids in the drama. My ex and her boyfriend try to make my kids hate me (unsuccessfully), so I had to add a disparagement clause into the parenting agreement, and another so she doesn't reach out to my family or partners. Had to file harassment lawsuit, etc. and it started off amicably.. once the love fades, you see who they really are.

Jojothereader · 2026-03-13T18:55:21+00:00

You still need an attorney. Don’t leave the home

No_Breakfast_1543 · 2026-03-13T18:23:02+00:00

Well, she’s already fucking someone. Rarely do women exit without another dick

probebeta · 2026-03-13T18:02:23+00:00

Absolutely get a lawyer. You need him by your side even if you won't need to use him. Once finances are discussed things get ugly pretty fast. The fact that you make a little more than her and not a lot more is good news. Go for 50/50, work on what suits you for parenting plan. Hang in there as this gets better but yes the beginning will suck. Do gym and things that improve you, stay off alcohol, stay calm with her you don't want any escalation. Good luck

P.s. women don't go to convent when they ask for divorce. She's probably f** someone else. The sooner you're able to digest this the faster you'll be able to move on with life. Maybe it's her fault, maybe yours too, but it doesn't matter it's a wrap now.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-03-13T17:58:22+00:00

Get a lawyer. Fees come out of marital proceeds. There are advantages to you for filing so consider being the one to do it.

She may “own” the house, but any equity and appreciation during the marriage is divisible.

If this was truly a surprise, then she’s either a WAWW or she’s having an affair. In either case, you are dealing with someone who is not grounded in reality. Buckle in.

TheOfficeoholic · 2026-03-13T17:37:59+00:00

Focus and you and your kids.

That’s it. You don’t have to be an ass, but putting all your energy into that instead of trying to fix your relationship with your soon to be ex, will be the best for all parties.

psychcaptain · 2026-03-13T17:17:21+00:00

So, since this is so fresh, I want to tell you advice that helped me during this period of time.

Even if you want to save your marriage, you can't.
Something was wrong and she never communicated it to you. And that is her fault. Not yours, because you would have changed if you knew.

So, here is the advice I got. Whether you wish you could reconnect with her, or just go your own way, the steps you should take are exactly the same.

You are going to start investing hard into those kids of yours. You are going to do things with them solo.

You are going to start connecting with friends, dads groups and mom groups and get involved to the extent you are able.

You are going to figure out doctors and teachers, get connected with portals and email chains.

You are going to do some sort of physical exercise because when the anger and grief is too much, you will need some sort of relief.

You are going to set boundaries. You will take the master bedroom and make it your own because she is the one that wants a divorce. You will ask her to respect your room.

You will grow from this and be a better father.

Oh, and you will get a lawyer!.

Now, in a year or 2, you will be in a better place. And it's likely she will have regrets. And that won't win her back, but it will help you realize that you matter to the kids and to the world.

UnknownUsername113 · 2026-03-13T17:12:22+00:00

Sorry to hear that man. There’s likely more to it than what she’s willing to tell you. Women don’t tend to leave a comfortable situation involving kids unless they have a backup plan. That usually involves someone else.

Talk to a lawyer. No matter how well you think you can handle it, you can’t. It will get nasty when it comes to “who gets what” and the kids.

Before you make any decisions, sleep on it. Don’t react to anything until you’ve digested it. Men get screwed when they show their passion and it’s mistaken as anger.

Take the advice you’ve already seen. Work out, pick up some old or new hobbies, hang out with friends/family. Understand that she is no longer your confidant. If you tell her something, she can use it against you.

Good luck brother.

tonyway7293 · 2026-03-13T17:11:35+00:00

I unwelcome you to the club….. because I hate to see another man bamboozled by the typical female narcissist (bla bla “they weren’t diagnosed” bla bla)….. she is most likely cheating too.

Sorry brother

ImplementNo2413 · 2026-03-13T17:05:20+00:00

I felt that way initially. I started spending more time with kids and working out. I started to feel great, and my relationship with my kids and myself has improved! I even dabble with some other women here and there. She sees me doing great and spirals every couple of weeks. It's a great feeling considering she's left me. Give her the gray rock treatment.

Additionally, I record every time she's spiraling. Giving me more ammo for the trial. I have an Apple Watch and there's a one-press record function that's been a great tool. The things they say in the heat of the moment will truly surprise you. These are things that will derail their narrative.

SeaweedWeird7705 · 2026-03-13T16:40:38+00:00

You should insist on 50-50 shared custody. This is pretty standard, so it shouldn't be difficult to get. Since you earn slightly more money, you may have to pay a small amount of child support.

Marital assets (assets purchased during marriage) are typically divided 50-50. If she purchased the house before the marriage, and only her name is on the deed, then the house is likely hers alone.

Go see a family law attorney and discuss your options.

Olderbutnotdead619 · 2026-03-13T16:39:17+00:00

Get a lawyer.

UrAristotle · 2026-03-13T16:35:23+00:00

Lawyer up. Now.

Push for 50/50 custody if at all possible. It’s better for your kids to have both parents.

The rest of the possessions are just possessions. You’ll sort that out and courts in no fault divorced are just going to divide things in half.

Don’t play nice thinking that will make things better. You can play nice, be neutral, or play dirty and your STBXW is going to end up treating you the same. Play however you have to make sure you are getting screwed over.

After that will be the emotional side. For about a decade I wrapped myself in the story of being a good dad and a good husband. The divorce blindsided me. It’s blindsided a lot of guys in this sub.

But we’re all coming out on the other side. There will be dark moments and you will have pain. You’re going to screw something up as you get to your new normal.

But you will get to your new normal. My kids are doing great. I think it would be the same if their mom and I were still together, so I better understand that my concerns about them coming through the divorce have been calmed. You’ll get there for your girls, too.

StatisticianEven6354 · 2026-03-13T16:32:50+00:00

There is likely someone else in the picture.

The next few months are going to be the hardest of your life. But you'll make it out to the other side, and better for it. This I can promise.

UrbanPewer · 2026-03-13T16:30:16+00:00

Sorry Brother.

Ok-Cause1108 · 2026-03-13T16:24:19+00:00

Fellow divorcee from Oregon. If this is an amicable divorce and you both agree on the division of assets and custody (do not accept less than 50/50) then file yourselves. It will cost $300 for filing fees and you will be divorced in less than 2 weeks. No court appearance necessary, you both just need to do the state mandated parenting classes. Go down to your county courthouse and the clerk will give you the forms and walk you through everything if you need help. It is really not complicated, I'd put it on par with filing your own taxes.

Doing it yourself with save a bunch of time, money and drama. Your co-parent relationship will be so much better for it as well.

When women walk away and are not interested in counseling or attempting to repair the marriage typically there is another guy already involved on her end. Most of the time it is a co-worker that started off as an emotional affair once she checked out of the marriage 12-18 months ago. No amount of begging or negotiating will get her to change her mind. It is over. It is brutal for the guy in the moment but in a few years you'll be thanking her for setting you free.

Congrats on the 2 girls. Daughters are the best and are a man's true ride or die, and you have two you lucky dog! Make sure your wife is there when you tell them. They won't actually care that much, they will be more excited about their new rooms. As long as you two are respectful and flexible they will be just fine. My advice on the decree put down every other week for parenting time just so you have something in writing in case one or both of you go off the rails. Over the years parenting time will change dramatically based on the kids needs. If you are flexible with your co-parent this will be a breeze to work out. In the beginning you may do every other day, or every 2 days etc. The time in the decree is for backup in case things implode with the co-parent relationship.

Gym, individual counseling, and a divorce recovery group are mandatory for a quick and healthy recovery. If you find yourself lonely when your kiddos are with Mom get yourself a dog.

Zenyquyen · 2026-03-13T16:19:48+00:00

You'll want to mount a rescue operation, save a relationship that no longer exists , beg /plead/ negotiate. But nothing will work , especially long term because the person you want back simply changed into someone else and you're one of the last to know. Reinvest and reinvent yourself and walk away with dignity even if you have to fake it. You're a father first and last now everything else is less necessary. GL OP, and I'm very sorry

curiouszm · 2026-03-13T16:17:02+00:00

This doesn't hit well the first time you hear it. I was there a couple of months ago and we'll be finalising the divorce this May. It's gonna suck, but you'll have to stay strong for the kids. You'll be struck by sadness a couple of times, cry it out if you need to but with time it gets better and you'll probably feel like thanking her for leaving you. Take care and don't fall into any substance use, I wish you well.

MonarchistExtreme · 2026-03-13T16:15:34+00:00

Investigate and find out why this is happening. There is a reason and most likely it's another man

Sock_Eating_Golden · 2026-03-13T16:12:42+00:00

Do not move out of the house!

Contact a lawyer immediately.

She is no longer your wife or friend.

Candidate_Worldly · 2026-03-13T16:11:34+00:00

'She owns the house (paid off) '

You both own the house if you're married.

BloodstainedBearRug · 2026-03-13T16:09:27+00:00

Sounds like mine after I found her cheating on me. Still in the process and she still has been amicable.. i guess.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2026-03-13T16:08:06+00:00

She most like is fucking another dude. Sad but most likely true.

Lawyer up immediately. She's not your wife or friend anymore.

dystinct · 2026-03-13T16:06:29+00:00

The best thing you can do now is to work through a mediator with your wife. Everything should be split even. Assets, debt, and parenting time.

Title	Help please
Author	TonTonRamen
Upvotes	46
Comments	56
Date	March 13, 2026 4:02 PM UTC (4 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1rsrd06/help_please/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/help-please.1575410 https://theredarchive.com/post/1575410

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