TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

UrAristotle Archive

View 3 posts and 504 comments by UrAristotle on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
Search in:
In subreddits:
More
Filter by year/month:
Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
73

Success StoriesUrAristotle/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 10:28 PM
8

Dating After DivorceUrAristotle/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 12:31 PM
3

Dealing with the Ex / STBXUrAristotle/r/Divorce_Men07/07/26 09:30 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
3

I had to gray rock She still wants to share more than I GAF about. I just ignore it and stick to logistical details. I think she’s figured it out.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/26 01:33 AM
3

I contemplated the same thing for the same reasons I won’t get a paternity test because the results would change nothing for me and everything for my son. I can’t see anything good coming out of me finding out I’m not his real father. I fully expect that later in his life he may choose to do some sort of test and may get bad news, but that’s something we can work through when he’s an adult.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 05:47 PM
2

Time for a new appraisal. The $400 you spend on that is going to save you thousands on the buyout. Sounds like it will be contentious, but it will be worth it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 11:54 AM
5

Get your own appraisal done and don’t sign the loan paperwork until it is. Did you just use comps to agree to the buyout? I had to refinance mine and the bank insisted on their own appraiser even though the comps showed the loan was only about 25% of the home’s value.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 11:27 AM
3

The house was technically hers at the time of the mischief. As it’s her property, I don’t think it’s criminal. Despicable, sure. But not criminal.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 11:25 AM
5

What if you have it appraised in its current condition? Agree on an appraiser ahead of time so she doesn’t contest it and demand her own. If a judge gets two appraisals, he likely just decides in the middle. Even that could work in your favor if it lowers the settlement value of your home. Is it too late for that? Is the divorce final?
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 11:11 AM
3

Let your kids talk to you about it when they’re ready. I will never tell my kids about their mother’s affair, especially who it was with (someone close to our family). I will never tell them their mom wanted the divorce. Maybe they’ll figure it out someday, and if they want to talk about it we will. I won’t hide the truth from them if they want to know, but I will also never put them in the middle of things. They’ve got their own battles they have to fight.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 10:59 AM
1

We do a 2-2-5-5 during the school year and alternating weeks during the summer. For the first 2 years it was more like 60/40 me, sometimes 70/30. She has started a new job that allows more schedule flexibility, so it’s more 50/50 for the last 3 months or so. They are with me Monday and Tuesday every week and 1st and 3rd weekends. We alternate 5th weekends. Pick up is after school. We only live a mile or so apart, so it’s easy to stop by her house or my house and get their things.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 11:37 PM
18

Married 2 years and no kids? Man, this is going to get better faster than you could believe. The biggest loss is the faith community. If you’re Baptist, probably not too hard to find a new church. Much harder for if you’re JW, but I can’t imagine you are something like that if she’s asking for a divorce. Get through this as fast and cheaply as you can. Wtf she pulled silver bullet with no kids is crazy. My guess is she’s cheating and needs to rally people to her side to keep that from being disc…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 10:24 PM
4

I’m 2x divorced at 56. I will not be 3x divorced because I will never be 3x married.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 12:11 AM
3

You start dating and realize that there are plenty of women out there
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/26 06:15 PM
2

Things no one prepares me for — Half the income, all the same bills plus dating, and I have more money — The pain of the emotional separation is immense, but it’s bearable — How much I do enjoy the times when I am on my own and it’s quiet — If you’re moderately fit and can carry on a conversation, you’ll be extremely popular with the ladies Things people told me that I didn’t believe but are true — You get better, you heal, it takes time, but it happens — The grief comes in waves and you often t…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/26 11:22 AM
2

If you’re not crazy, then you’re a dumbass for even considering getting married again. There is nothing you gain through marriage that can’t be gained by other less expensive legal means.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/26 11:17 AM
11

I spent 3 months in limbo while my adulterous ex decided if she wanted to be married any more. During that time, I opened a separate checking account and made sure it had funds to pay for an attorney, etc. When my ex found out I had done that, she was angry but there’s nothing she could do about it. I clearly declared it as a marital asset.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/26 06:13 PM
3

We’re men. Women say they want a man who is “emotionally available”. What they really want is someone they can complain to who affirms their complaints. They don’t want a nice guy. They want a strong man.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 04:23 PM
3

So sorry for you, man. That sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 03:51 PM
14

I find myself consistently surprised at how people react to my ex even when they know what she did. Still warm hugs and “How ya’ been?” I don’t know what I actually expect them to do, though. I know if I personally knew someone had decided to leave their family after their own affair because they just weren’t happy, I wouldn’t shun them but I also wouldn’t be over the top happy to see them when we did encounter each other. For those who know about her affair, I (probably incorrectly) assume she’…
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 02:55 PM
1

Walk away It’s not going to feel the way you hope it will feel This is from someone who is still battling plenty of resentment toward my ex. I don’t walk away for her or my kids’ benefit. It’s entirely because I know confrontation will not go the way I think it will and she is never going to take accountability for her decisions.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 06:37 PM
8

It’s not super comforting right now, but you’re going to end up much better off than she is. First, her affair partner will most likely not work out. The odds of a relationship working out are low to begin with. The odds of them working out with a partner who doesn’t respect marriages are infinitely lower. That’s going to leave her in her mid-30s or 40s competing with 20-something’s for the attention of the men she wants to date. That’s just not a game she’s going to win very often. Meanwhile, y…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 02:04 PM
5

You can make it. Now I’ll jump on the bandwagon so many other men have with you. Stop blaming yourself. Your STBX took a vow that said “for better or worse.” It didn’t say, “until you’re tired of him not trying” or “until you’re tired of putting up with him.” Maybe there were things you could have done differently. I doubt doing them differently would have changed the end result. It sounds like your family has plenty of stressors and your STBX is looking for greener pastures.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 05:28 PM
3

Embrace the suck for the sake of your 15 year old. Keep yourself in the moment as much as you can. When they’re up at bat or taking a free kick or whatever the sport is. Be present for them. In between games, find a good place for a cocktail and get away from the hotel. Nothing about it will be easy, but we’re men. We can handle things like this.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 05:16 PM
1

We’re human, so it’s always possible to recover and rebuild. Read “7 Principles that Make Marriage Work” especially the parts on what it takes to repair the marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/26 12:24 PM
3

I definitely struggle with my anger toward her
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/26 11:46 PM
0

It’s just another example of how they feel entitled to do what they want. Not sure where you got anywhere in that post that I’m putting lots of energy into it.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/26 11:01 PM
13

My ex got the last of her stuff out of my house yesterday. It’s so clear that the divorce she needed to be happy hasn’t provided her with happiness. I hope some day I’m over my bitterness. I don’t know when that day will be.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/26 08:22 AM
2

They’re not divorced. Dude is romanticizing what it could have been like.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 10:30 PM
2

In the words of Michael Scott, “No, no, no. God no!”
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 10:29 PM
4

If nothing else, hope it goes south so that other guy doesn’t waste his time.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 09:56 PM
1

Did you read the name of the sub?
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 01:15 AM
5

Start working out. Get fit if you’re not. Use the times when you’re tired or frustrated as inspiration. Put a defined time on your schedule. Do cardio and lift. Men in our age group have let themselves go. If you have good teeth and are fit, you’re already miles ahead. Hopefully you have all your hair, too. Rediscover old hobbies or discover new ones. You need something to occupy your time and can only work out so much. Do something where to accomplish a task. Learn to play guitar. Build things.…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/26 05:10 PM
6

Man, quit engaging with her. Idc about the hookups, etc., but you have to control that inner monologue. You’re grieving the loss of the future you thought you had. It takes time, and engaging with your ex just keeps stoking the flames of possibility.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/26 11:26 AM
9

Dude, start working out. Eat healthy. Get in shape if you’re not. You just found some new freedom.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/26 03:17 AM
10

I’ve said so many times in this thread: they create a narrative where they get to be the hero in the story. I wanted full custody until a therapist told me that the kids do better with 50/50 and my lawyer let me know that the courts would likely go 50/50 or primary for her. The only reason she wanted 50/50 was to avoid child support. She loves our kids, but she loves her alone time more.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/26 06:17 PM
6

56M here. Divorce was final a little over a year ago. I met an amazing woman a few months later and we dated for about a year. I actually ended it yesterday. It had nothing to do with her. It’s entirely me. After being in a relationship for 20 years and being blindsided by an unfaithful spouse, I don’t think I’ll ever be in a secure relationship again. It will take so much to build trust. I’m going to take a break from dating until the new year and see if my attitude doesn’t get better. Otherwis…
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/26 01:22 PM
4

Workout more I can’t imagine you’re getting full cardio and weights in in one hour. Cardio for an hour, lift for an hour. Get a dog. They’re the best. Find some hobbies where you learn something. Woodworking. Pottery making. Playing guitar.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 05:34 PM
10

I’m not sure why she’s the one considering divorce. It sounds like you should be hiring an attorney and filing.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 11:59 AM
8

I’m struggling with something similar. I’ve been seeing someone for almost a year. I’m going to break it off tomorrow. The weight of responsibility for my kids and my business I just don’t want to have to keep up with a relationship as well. I don’t want to be alone, but I also enjoy those times when I have no responsibilities.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 01:11 AM
2

Take comfort When she divorces him because she isn’t living the life she hoped and “I deserve to be happy,” her $500k in student debt will go with her. The other stuff, some lessons life has to teach.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/26 10:46 PM
3

We didn’t even mess with it. There were some things I didn’t want that she took with her and then we just zeroed out everything else.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/26 03:00 PM
7

“It’s the best day of my life” See you next Thursday
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/26 11:28 AM
3

Things you control Exercise - use the frustration to fuel your new workout routine. Get fit if you aren’t already. If you are, stay that way. Diet - keep eating right. Keep ingredients simple. Meal prep and freeze left overs. Keep alcohol in moderation. Gray rock - she will try to engage on things. Keep communication down to logistics related to your children. Anything concerning possessions, etc. can be discussed by attorneys. Your kids - keep them as the focus. Insist on 50/50 if possible. I w…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/26 03:05 AM
2

I (56M) have been dating an amazing woman for almost a year now. Between raising my kids and running a business, I don’t know that I have time to keep dating her. If we don’t make it, I don’t think I’ll bother again until my kids are older. I also can’t imagine that a 30-something year old woman who has never had kids could fathom the time commitment it takes to raise them.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 09:46 PM
3

Why would you even consider marriage again? A relationship, maybe. But marriage? Focus on taking care of your kids and setting them up for a great future. I’m finding focusing on that leaves little room for anything else.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 03:48 PM
7

Understand going in that you have nothing to gain through secular marriage. There is nothing that a marriage license provides you that you can’t gain through other legal means. Conversely, you are putting half of your assets at risk. For that reason, I would strongly recommend getting a pre-nuptial agreement. There is some research that says marriages with a pre-nup are statistically more successful than those without one. The biggest advantage is that it makes the dissolution simpler should it …
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/26 06:46 PM
4

Who are you talking to for help?
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/26 11:43 PM
13

First, don’t bail her out. This gets to be the start of problems she gets solve for herself. Second, it sounds like her brother and other family members should also be sitting in jail cells. They came into your house without your permission and kicked in your door? My man, stop giving any fucks about how her behavior affects her career. I promise she gives no fucks about how what she does affects you. Get an attorney. Start getting your shit together for the divorce. You’re in one of the worst s…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/26 11:40 PM
2

I second the idea of exercise When the mess first started, I used long walks as a way to fill the time. Now I can tell how my emotional state changes if I miss a workout day.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/26 11:02 AM
1

After we separated a couple of years ago, she was picking our kids up the evening of Father’s Day. She told me, “Happy Father’s Day.” I replied, “Happy Anniversary” because it was also our 17th anniversary. She goes, “Oh yeah.” Just one more reminder of how I really did mean nothing to her.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 07:27 PM
1

I’m assuming no kids involved I still make sure that my kids get something for their mom for holidays, etc. As for me getting her something, not a chance in hell.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 07:15 PM
3

Once a spouse has contemplated divorce, 90% of the work is done. Quit trying to salvage the marriage and start focusing on how to be the best you.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 01:48 PM
1

I’ve met a wonderful woman. Attractive. Intelligent. Stable. I’ve told her plainly that I won’t marry again and she’s told me plainly that she won’t live with someone to whom she isn’t married. We’re trying to figure out what that will mean for our relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 09:52 PM
1

I was replying to the scam comment, not the OP
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 09:50 PM
1

I think it’s rare. My kids’ mom would have given me full custody if it didn’t mean she had to pay child support.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 01:54 AM
1

We have a large home. For the year after their mom left, my kids slept in my room. Their rooms were mostly just for storage. It’s different now, but we could have made a studio apartment work if we had to and it meant I got my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 01:35 AM
1

Probably does up your chances of meeting a fit woman
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 11:57 PM
2

Why would they need their own rooms, necessarily? They just need a roof over their heads and good food to eat.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 11:27 PM
0

Orange Theory? Didn’t realize you divorced because you’re gay
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 11:27 PM
5

If you read my posts, I always say working out was my salvation. When things got tense, I went for a walk. Usually 90 minutes or so. That turned into lifting weights again. I’m down over 30 pounds and in fantastic shape. After that, I focused on hobbies to get me through the quiet times. NGL—there are going to be dark times some days you’ll need to tell yourself to just get through the day. Or the night. Or the morning. But you’ll get through it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 09:25 PM
2

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. If you don’t have your kids overnight, though, it seems like you could downsize. I would sell everything I have if it meant I could afford to have my kids with me. I realize my situation was much better than so many of the men in this sub, though.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 09:17 PM
1

Two words Pre nup
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 05:36 PM
2

Is there any way for you to downsize the place you’re renting? I know it sucks. I came very close to having to sell the home my kids have grown up in and was looking at the very real possibility of finding a 2-bedroom apartment in order to save money. I dodged that bullet, but the very idea was a blow to my psyche. Felt like one more failure stacked on top of everything else. And then I realized, the only real failure will be if I don’t show up for my kids. Everything else is survivable.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 04:38 PM
3

Money is fungible, dumbass If she’s getting child support, she’s able to use her income for other things. Nothing stipulates that the money be spent on the kids. It only stipulates how much you pay. Plenty of stories about women splurging on other things bc child support covers all of the children’s costs and then some.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 04:35 PM
1

I would love a 4-3 schedule where I had my kids every weekend.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 08:33 PM
3

It just takes time Another posted talked about contacting a suicide hotline as well as not telling anyone you know. He’s spot on with both of those pieces of advice. Early on I was struggling and my attorney told me, “if you indicate you’re going to hurt yourself, I need to let you know that I’m a mandatory reporter.” If I had suggested self harm it would have cost me my kids and I don’t know what else. Here’s how I got through it. Exercise. Dedicate yourself to it. There is no better way to bea…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 02:18 AM
5

I didn’t put this in the first reply, and it’s the first time I’m acknowledging out loud. I loved my ex wife and loved being married to her. I stopped finding her physically attractive a couple of years into our marriage. She did put on some pregnancy weight, but it was mostly her face. She eventually lost the pregnancy weight, but that wasn’t the problem. The nicest thing I can say is that I found it to be something like a clown face. The proportions never seemed right. And it was something abo…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 04:10 PM
3

Her trust isn’t your problem. Be consistent. Do what you say you’ll do. Manage your parenting time.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 03:23 PM
5

First, do NOT approach the woman in the trail about anything. If something comes up where you guys end up talking, great. But DON’T make that your first experience getting back into dating. I have a somewhat similar situation. My marriage wasn’t as long as yours and it started later in my life, but I was out of the dating scene over the 20 years where it completely changed. I was 55 when my divorce was final. If you get in the apps and build your profile thoughtfully, you’re going to have plenty…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 01:21 PM
3

The only reason my kids’ mom didn’t give me primary custody was because she didn’t want to have to pay child support.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 11:15 PM
5

It sucks that this has happened, but you can survive it like so many of us have. Stop asking her to reconcile and fuck her for wanting a separation to stay in your insurance. Make grown up choices, get grown up consequences. If it’s 50/50 custody, child support should be minimal. Are you able to have your child(ren) 50% of the time.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 07:46 PM
19

Plenty of folks are going to tell you this The affair didn’t start when you separated Maybe it was the first time they fucked, but I would even doubt that Next, expect everything she’s saying right now to change when the reality of divorce hits. Maybe you’re the 10% of the time it does work, but 90% of the time, they have no memory of ever saying any of the things they’re saying now once it works to their advantage to have no memory of those things.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 02:19 AM
1

Idk We have no fault divorce and things are 50/50 for the most part. I do hear stories of shenanigans, still.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 12:23 AM
1

It’s California My understanding is it’s a state that allows alimony I’ve read some stories in this sub that made it sound rough Any chance you can convince her to move to Texas as a part of the downsizing and establish residency? (J/k)
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 10:05 PM
4

Don’t be “happy to let her” anything She isn’t going to respond well, and she’s going to go after you. Especially in California, from what I’ve heard. Lock in the attorney ASAP ETA I had to unwind an 18-year marriage. My kids are younger, so it was more complicated. She also initiated it. However, she is going to protect her lifestyle and feel she’s owed certain things. Fuck that shit. Do what is necessary by law and nothing more. You’re buying out a business partner at this point.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 10:00 PM
7

I would have several ducks in a row ahead of time. Know who you’ll use for a lawyer. Have an idea of you want to do mediation, collaborative, or litigation. Set up a bank account now that you’ll be able to access in your own. My wife initiated, but I had 3 months’ warning and had a couple of these things in place before she filed. So glad I did.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 09:50 PM
1

Keep the house out of your name until everything is settled. You could likely keep the house anyway, depending on the laws in your state, but it being in someone else’s name prevents a legal battle.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 08:45 PM
1

Do you mean 70/30 for custody? Don’t do 70/30 for the estate. Sure you feel guilty, but were the tables reversed at best she would do 50/50 and would probably go for more than that.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 06:42 PM
6

Just get the fuck out of this bullshit Your life will be so much better for it
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 04:59 PM
2

I don’t have those sort of needs, but thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/26 01:33 PM
2

“How do you guys cope with that” Exercise. Non-negotiable. Carve out a time in your schedule that is dedicated to something cardio and some kind of weight lifting. You’ll also lose weight and be more attractive which helps to attract women. Work. I’ve poured myself into my business. Divorced at 55, if I ever want to retire, it’s my only choice. Faith. Connect with your church or temple or mosque. Whatever place of worship is appropriate. That organization was built to help people when they need …
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/26 01:27 PM
11

They create stories where they get to be the hero. The over the top interaction with your child is trying to make herself feel like a great mom because she’s a terrible wife. Get your lawyer. If you own your home, do not leave until there are standing orders in place. And do not leave if you want to fight for the home, although it doesn’t sound like you do. Be there for your kid. They’re going to need you more than ever. There is a ton of evidence that shows things go sideways for a kid the mome…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/26 12:19 PM
2

GLP has an effect, but I think it’s more correlation than causation. Woman is unhappy with her life Woman takes GLP to lose weight Woman starts getting the attention she was missing Woman starts upgrading other parts of her life Woman decides to leave her marriage GLPs are more of a catalyst than anything else
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/26 07:57 PM
7

FWIW, it wasn’t GLP-1 I know that doesn’t help It’s the modern woman who decides “I deserve more” or “I deserve happiness” and takes zero accountability for what that selfishness does to her family
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/26 03:36 PM
2

But apparently fucking some other dude is just fine
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/26 01:48 AM
5

Trust your gut If she won’t tell you where she is and won’t share locations on her phone, it’s because she doesn’t want you to know that information. I know what I’d do if my girlfriend didn’t want me to know her location.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/26 11:59 PM
2

She has been thinking about the divorce for a while. This is her excuse. Give it to her.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/26 09:05 PM
2

On to your questions. You’re not giving up half your kids’ childhood. There will be quiet moments that you hate. My kids go back to their mom’s for a week (we alternate in the summer), and I hate it every week. I pour myself into my work to stay busy. But they’re going to have a ton of school and extra curricular events that you’ll see them out. I rarely go more than a couple of days without seeing my kids at something. If you haven’t built a consistent workout routine into your schedule, now’s …
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/26 07:25 PM
3

My brother, I go to standard possession with a court order that that piece of shit is NEVER around my kids. At this point, fuck her and what she wants.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/26 07:19 PM
9

I didn’t read all of your post If she hasn’t actually cheated, she’s thought about it seriously. The search query tells you that. But she’s probably actually cheated. Her blaming you for her violating her marriage vows is classic.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 08:44 PM
3

You’re 31. You can find plenty of childless 20-somethings to start your own family with. Take care of yourself. Stay disciplined, stay fit, and you’ll have plenty of options.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 01:30 PM
3

She’ll sometimes add things in text messages to try to start a conversation. I have no desire to engage. You’re the mother of my children. I’ll have to engage with you at their activities the next 5 years and major life events after that. Beyond that, you mean nothing to me.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 12:20 AM
5

I had to interact with her directly today to get something signed. Text message to coordinate, 0 verbal communication during the interaction. She no longer gets to tell me what I said in previous conversations or claim that something we discussed was never discussed.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 11:57 PM
19

The best thing I did was cut off all in-person communication. The only communication we have is through text message and then that has been entirely limited to logistics involving our children and a few tasks related to the divorce settlement. We now go days without communicating and my peace is slowly being restored.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 11:50 PM
5

I’ve read enough of this sub to know all of these are true. It’s normal to still have feelings for your STBX. It’s normal for it to take a different amount of time for you to get over your ex than others. It’s normal for you to grieve the loss of what you thought you had. And it’s normal for you to get through it as more time passes.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 02:25 AM
1

I’ve come to terms with that part of it. But I also can’t see how that gets prevented if I married a third time. No thank you. I’ll date, let relationships run their course, and meet someone new.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 04:00 PM
2

Whoever has possession of the dog has responsibility for its care. Her attempt to guilt you into paying half of the dog’s boarding for a trip she is taking with your child is par for the course. Be prepared for it to get worse.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 10:54 AM
10

My first marriage ended after I discovered a probable 2nd affair and some terrible deception on my ex-wife’s part. We were married 3 years, I chalked it up to marrying young. I never fully understood why she felt the need to lie and cheat. My second marriage ended after my ex told me she had been having an affair with someone close to our family. We had been married 16 years and had two wonderful children. She had been unhappy for a while and eventually decided she “deserved to be happy.” I cann…
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 02:41 AM
1

My man, you voluntarily decided to upend your family. Unless there was severe abuse, your kids deserved more. I would have done anything to have kept my marriage together.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 01:25 AM
2

I think the anger is normal. Finding an outlet is also great. For me it’s been working out. You’re still so young. I had my first kid at 43. Be discerning in your next partnership. That’s going to be the hardest part. My ex and I were together for 20 years, 19 before she committed adultery. She was unhappy well before that but just let it build up. I recommend to anyone who wants a long term relationship to read 7 Principles That Make Marriage Work. Had we been able to work through the things sh…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/26 07:36 PM
3

Damn that sounds familiar
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/26 05:29 PM
2

I don’t think Fight Club is the answer. It’s just time. My ex had an affair with someone close to our family and I spent 3 months trying to save my marriage and protect our kids from finding out what she did. At one point she told me, “I no longer feel guilt or shame for what I did.” That was only a few months after I found out and before she moved out. Divorce was final a little over a year ago, and I still feel plenty of rage over what she did. At the same time I recognize that the intensity i…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/26 04:56 PM
2

Out of curiosity, whose idea was the divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/26 09:17 PM
3

My situation was significantly different with actual adultery on her part. However, your description suggests your wife has already checked out. I fought like hell to keep my family in tact and recover from her betrayal. If she decided she wanted a divorce over a single text, she has probably been thinking about divorce for a while. My ex had certainly considered it before her affair, although she never mentioned it. She fell into the “is this all there is” spiral so many women seem to fall into…
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/26 01:46 PM
8

I coming to the realization that the rest of my life will probably be in relationships that vary in length. I’m going to keep myself to only dating one person at a time because I don’t think I have the bandwidth for more than that. In some cases it could be a few days. Other times it might be much longer. I met a wonderful person and we’ve been dating about a year. We have both been clear with the other. I won’t marry again and she won’t cohabitate with someone she’s not married to. I’m not sure…
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/26 03:03 AM
9

I can be happy alone, although I am still adjusting to how quiet my house is when my kids are with their mom. She’s working so hard to keep herself busy when the kids are with me and to keep up appearances that she’s “finally happy.” Bitch, we were together 19 years. I know when you’re not happy and I can see it on your face when you think no one is watching.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/26 01:07 AM
18

I regret not kicking her out the night she told me about her affair. I somehow thought I could salvage things. Never again.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 11:55 PM
6

I could see some situations where people who are starting families benefit from marriage as it relates to raising kids. It makes so many things related to them easier. At my age (56), I cannot think of anything I gain from a marriage. I can also promise that I will insist that my children have pre-nups.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 08:46 PM
6

I’m sure that’s total coincidence
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 07:10 PM
1

You give it time. That feeling that you can’t put in the effort tells you everything you need to know. You’re not obligated to date, and you can find other ways to hang out with people. Churches are full of groups for this very purpose. Join a team that plays your favorite sport. Or find a new sport like pickle ball to fill up the time. Restart hobbies you dropped or start new ones. Once you’re ready to put in the effort, the dating part will take care of itself. My experience was that there was…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/26 11:19 AM
9

Lol “Doesn’t care and may join the military” You know what you don’t get to do in Basic Training? Spend 5 hours a day on social media.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/26 12:46 AM
5

There are going to be some hard realizations for him in the next year or so. I help students with college admissions. It sounds like his GPA will be in the toilet. That is going to make it incredibly difficult to go to colleges that right now he thinks he’s going to go to. Feel free to DM me directly if you want some specific insight on that. You’ve nailed my biggest fear with my kids. Their mom told them a few weeks back that one of the cool things is that they will often have at least one hous…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/26 12:37 AM
7

It’s not over, yet. You have to both be willing to work on it, though. Marriage is a democracy, but the vote has to be unanimous. If you are willing to work on it, read 7 Principles That Make Marriage work. Had my ex wanted to stay together and been willing to work through that book we would have been fine. She was done. Your wife may be similarly done. But you have kids and for the sake of not disrupting their lives, or at least for the sake of knowing you tried absolutely everything, do that. …
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 09:41 PM
6

I have two exes. The first I had no kids with. She reached out about a year after everything was finalized trying to rekindle. I dodged that immediately. The second I have two kids with. If it weren’t for the kids, I’d go to similar no contact with her. As it is, I only discuss logistics related to the children, and I only discuss that via text message. She has shown time and again that she has no desire to stick to verbal agreements.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 04:05 PM
6

This Expect everything you talked about yesterday to evaporate as you go through this process
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 01:32 PM
1

I wondered if that was the case. I have a dog that my ex keeps from time to time. It’s slightly different. One thing I did to help avoid conflict was limit our communications to text messages and commit myself to only texting things relevant to our kids. My kids are younger than yours, so there’s more communication, but I see my girlfriend interacting with her ex in the same way as I do. She has one in college and one getting married. Your ex isn’t going to change, so the best action is to limit…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 11:41 AM
10

Why are you having conversations with your ex about anything other than logistics related to your children? Stop having those conversations and this problem solves itself. I’m sorry you’re having to pay alimony. Hopefully it has a window that closes eventually if not soon. Why are you watching her dog?
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 11:32 AM
3

Two things stood out in the multitude of incomprehensible things my ex did. During the 3 couples counseling sessions we did, the therapist recommended a book for us to read. She reads much faster than me, and when she finished her summary was, “I didn’t get a lot out of it. It just said a bunch of stuff we already know.” When I read it, it perfectly diagnosed the problem in our communication. It didn’t say what she wanted it to, so she just dismissed it. Towards the end when she was waffling on …
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 08:42 AM
2

Put some weight in a back pack and carry that along with your walk. Start as simple as 5 pounds and work your way up.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 01:00 AM
3

Dude, get a workout routine and get off the meds as soon as you can. 56M here. I work out almost every day. Run 15 miles a week and ruck another 15 or so. That plus lifting weights gets my testosterone up. My girlfriend (50F) can’t keep up. Cialis and viagra are great as well, but you can fix all of this with discipline.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 12:33 AM
4

My ex wife wants us to file jointly to save money on filing. “No. I didn’t want the divorce. The legal documents should reflect this was her choice.”
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 09:28 PM
4

Keep it that way as long as you can as you go ahead with positioning yourself to file for divorce. One of my regrets is giving my ex the opportunity to choose or refuse me because I was hoping she would choose our family. Someone else mentioned that you should expect her to make this your fault. She is going to get all sorts of support from the sisterhood. They’re going to tell her how brave she is being for choosing herself. It’s a fucked up aspect of our current culture. My ex sometimes told m…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 08:23 PM
4

Found out about her affair 2 1/2 years ago 3 months of “I don’t know what I want” while I treaded water 1 month of “I want a divorce/I don’t want a divorce” before I told her to just GTFO 1 year to get the actual divorce It’s been just over a year now The hardest part early on was when my kids were with her. That’s still hard, but really just hard for me. The kids are doing great because I always make them the priority. Idk if she does or not because I don’t discuss it with her. I figured out ea…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 04:25 AM
2

I gotta think OPs kids stop hoping mom and dad get back together when mom is hanging out with Carol from her softball team a lot.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 10:42 PM
5

I never had a friend who caused me financial devastation. Your social circle will grow when you get involved in things. Find things to get involved in when you don’t have your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 10:41 PM
2

Facebook pushed a picture into my feed the other day from just before my life went sideways. I’m wearing a polo untucked with that gap caused by my belly. It so unattractive. 35 pounds later, I’ve lost 6 inches in my waist and BMI is down to normal. I remember my doctor telling me I was healthy back then. Today I don’t know how that could have been.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 11:29 AM
2

Man, get a lawyer. You’re walking in off the street to fight in the UFC. You’re going to get killed. If nothing else, your lawyer would tell you that paying half the mortgage for a house you no longer live in is nuts. The day my ex moved out I took over all payments. It sounds like you’ve already gotten there, but don’t play nice about anything. This is an adversarial process and she’ll protect her own when she has to. You should, too.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 09:59 PM
1

It’s definitely one of the hardest parts of this. Remind yourself that if push came to shove she would defend what she thought was hers and throw you to the wolves.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 06:39 PM
2

Cut your conversation with her to only what is relevant to logistics for your children. You can’t control what she does with that, but when you stop engaging about anything else, she’ll move to somewhere that she gets that engagement. I took the attitude that if you didn’t want me as your husband you don’t get me as your friend. I never stated this to her but used it as my mindset when communicating with her.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 03:32 PM
2

We have 50/50 custody, so my situation is better than many others. I still hate it. I find hobbies and do a lot of work. I make sure to workout everyday. I spend time building something or I kill an hour or two playing guitar. Give my mind something to work on other than thinking about my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 12:37 PM
2

If “a part of me tells me to say no respectfully,” I’ve learned to listen to that part and say no respectfully.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 11:34 AM
6

The ups and downs will come naturally through this process as you grieve the loss of the future you were hoping for. I’m two years out from separation and one year post divorce. The ups last longer, but there are still downs. You’ll get there, little by little.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 10:56 AM
23

I read somewhere that when we were kids college was the first thing we did as adults. For today’s generation, it’s the last thing they do as children. Seems that has made it into the legal system.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 03:56 AM
8

If she wants a divorce, she ceases to be your wife. At best, she’s an undesirable business partner you have to buy out. At worst, she has become your adversary. In that case, expect her to try to manipulate everything to her advantage and plan to do likewise. I realize you say she’s contemplating divorce. In my experience that just means she’s lining things up to be ready for when she files.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 03:54 AM
2

I can tell you that I went through the exact same thing early on. The idea of “courting” a woman seemed exhausting given everything else I had going on.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 02:51 PM
9

First, if you don’t understand why she’s doing it, I’m not sure any of the men in the sub can help you with the reasoning. Honestly, we all probably hoped you could tell us. But just know that straight women did the same thing. My ex was grabbing at everything to try to justify her decision. I made some mistakes early in our marriage. Never infidelity, but I did break her trust. Busted my ass for years to try to repair it. During the process she told me she wished she would have divorced me then…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 01:35 PM
3

As your ex-wife showed you, there aren’t really any rules. It doesn’t mean you aren’t moving on if you don’t find yourself interested in seeing someone. It just means you’re more interested in protecting yourself and your peace right now. Perfectly normal.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 01:27 PM
11

Word will definitely get out I thought we kept my wife’s affair pretty quiet for the sake of my kids, then circumstances beyond my control caused it to blow up a little bit 2 years later. As for her agreeing to the 70%, expect that to change when reality sets in. Tuck that $15k away for legal bills later on.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/26 02:17 PM
4

My ex was enough of a cunt to me during the process that it wasn’t a problem.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/26 11:39 AM
3

I’m just not a fan of long term therapy. I’ve worked with a couple who helped deal with short term problems, but I don’t see it as an ongoing solution.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/26 01:33 AM
4

Brother, you were way past time to contact an attorney. You’ve probably been through plenty of ups and downs already. They’re going to keep coming. Look at it now as severing ties with a bad business partner. Don’t do anything “to be nice” or because you want her to be okay. Now it’s time to protect yourself and your kids if you have any. Get as much custody as you can from the start. Once kids start school, they need their fathers more than they need their mothers. Sure they need nurturing, but…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/26 05:22 PM
2

You have your answer. Get an attorney and get out.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/26 12:48 PM
7

I have 50/50 custody of my kids. My ex and I had roughly the same 60/40 division you’ve mentioned. I kept the house and have about $3000 each month left over in my budget. When we were together, we weren’t able to save. Her debit card was a wand that made money magically disappear.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/26 12:46 PM
1

It’s the least of the indicators of what’s going on. The new car. The boredom. It sounds like you have a good woman. I would work hard to see if I could make that work.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 12:13 PM
5

It didn’t sound like you and your wife are fighting, bickering, or being nasty. The idea that staying together for the kids is worse than divorce is some serious cope. As long as you keep things stable for your 13 year old, she’ll be okay. But she needs you in her life, maybe more than she needs her mom at this point. Going to be a tough example you set for her in how a man will treat her when she gets married. That he stays with her until he thinks it’s time to trade up.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/26 10:36 PM
6

It sounds like a classic midlife crisis. Down to wanting to be called “Davey” (whatever your equivalent is). If there are no kids involved, etc., I guess it’s just a matter of dissolving a business. If you have kids, that “living my best life” becomes unequivocally selfish. It sort of already is, but that’s not hurting anyone who doesn’t have agency. Mostly sounds like you’re tired of this wife and want to trade her in for a newer model like you did for your Volvo.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/26 10:33 PM
2

Bring him into the process of picking what he wants for his room. Does he want a loft bed? A race car bed? What does he want to put on the walls?
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/26 04:57 PM
3

My in-laws told me that they’d always consider me their son. 5 months after she moved out my FIL called me to tell me how disappointed he was in me over a mistake I made. These days they won’t even speak to me at the few events I see them at. They have to believe their daughter. She’s the one who will continue to be with them and she’s the one they’re responsible for.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/26 03:11 PM
2

They have to weave a story where they get to look like the good guy. My ex started a new job so my kids and I brainstormed some gifts for her relative to that. I took them to pick out a card for her because they’re old enough that they don’t want to make the cards. I made sure everything was packaged and ready for when she picked them up ahead of the day. I didn’t expect a thank you from her, although it would have been nice. To my knowledge she hasn’t made up that I didn’t do anything. But I th…
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/26 03:05 PM
1

lol You came to my personal profile to write this? Also not how you attract an emotionally mature and intelligent man.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 12:44 PM
4

As a general rule, start with more than you want and work your way to a compromise. I wanted standard possession. Keep my kids in their home as much as possible. We negotiated to a 50/50 situation and I only accepted because a therapist assured me that was best for my kids. My kids are doing great, so everything indicates it’s working out. We still have a ways to go, so we’ll see how it works out. But that philosophy goes for everything in the process. Don’t think, “I’ll be the good guy on this”…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 03:12 AM
1

Why can’t you go to the pool where you’re a member on your own?
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 09:59 PM
6

The day she told me for sure she wanted a divorce. I had lost 30 pounds in the 3 months of back and forth that led up to her decision, so it was sort of falling off my hand already.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 11:52 AM
2

I’m struggling with what I will tell my own boys when the time comes. They will 💯 have pre-nups.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/26 05:57 PM
17

Man, I wish it worked that way. You’ve been separated for 2 years. She knew where you (and her stuff) were. Quit holding out hope for some fairy tale happy ending and start planning what your new future is going to be.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/26 09:43 PM
7

Consult an attorney now. Maybe a couple of them. Not because you’re contemplating divorce, but because you need to know the legal circumstances in your unique jurisdiction. Standing orders that will go into effect. Any advice he can give you right now. Stop having sex with her. Even if she’s having sex with just one other person, you have no idea who that person is having sex with. And it’s not like you can explain why you want to start wearing a condom. The next few months will be tough. If you…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/26 03:06 AM
2

You’re not hiding anything. They’re right. But you are making sure she doesn’t drain the account then go blow it on stupid shit. You’ll have to disclose the account, etc. Deception isn’t the purpose. Damage control is.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 02:18 PM
2

You start by setting up a separate checking account that only you control and you move all of the money except what it takes to run the household into that account. You make certain that only you have access to retirement, investments, etc. The purpose isn’t to be deceptive. It’s to make sure she doesn’t drain accounts and then you have to spend even more to get it back.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 02:15 PM
5

First, this guy isn’t your friend. Cut him out of your life. Sure it’s hard, but do it. At the very least your STBX is having an emotional affair with him and he is facilitating it. He crossed boundaries a long time ago. Second, you’re going to have to man up about a lot of things. You’re going to lose a ton of people, some of whom you thought you could rely on. The only person you can rely on is yourself. There are going to be rough times, but this sub is full of men who have worked through it.…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 11:59 AM
1

I’m at the point that it’s on my calendar so that other things are scheduled around it.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/26 06:49 PM
7

Do you work out? Do you have hobbies? Both of those things have saved me when my house is empty.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/26 04:29 PM
0

Consult a lawyer. See what you can do to get primary custody (called standard possession in my state) or 50/50. Be prepared for a drawn out fight especially where international law is concerned.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 10:32 PM
2

My kids slept in my room every night after their mom left for over a year. We had a routine. I got them new beds earlier this year and turned their rooms into a safer space for them that they enjoy now, but the younger one still comes downstairs from time to time.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 09:21 PM
2

I woke up this morning to discover my younger kid in bed with me. Not something he does regularly, but it’s always a pleasant surprise. He couldn’t fall asleep last night, so he came downstairs and got him my bed with me and the dogs. Something he never does at his mother’s. Maybe it’s because at his mom’s he and his brother have bunk beds, so he’s not in his own room. But also maybe because he feels safer in my room. I don’t know, but I know that in the 2 years since they’re mom moved out of th…
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 08:57 PM
2

One of the hard things in all of this is reconciling that there are questions you’re never going to have answered. Don’t ask the questions. You can never trust her response. I got the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” after 17 years of marriage and 19 years together. I got the “maybe I never loved you” and “maybe you were the safe choice.” At the same time she told others that she didn’t feel emotionally safe with me or that I had hid financial things, which was never true. She’s going t…
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 08:06 PM
6

Let it go Stay focused on your daughter and make sure she is okay Her decision is made and you want it to go in your favor as much as you can. The system is already stacked against you. Confronting her is only going to make things worse.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 09:45 PM
1

“When do I say fuck it, throw the gloves, become destination dad quality over quantity and show them how awesome I can be?” Never It sucks. And you’re right: they’re going to grow up and go their own way. However, every piece of research shows that you can trace back the moment a kid’s life went sideways to the moment they had less of their dad around. It’s the sacrifice we agreed to when we decided to have sex knowing we could get her pregnant, married or not. Your kids clearly need you. Not ju…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 09:28 PM
1

My biggest thing was definitely my kids. I sort of watched for other things. How she talked about her ex, how she took accountability for things. I don’t know that I had a hard and fast list.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 08:39 PM
6

I don’t think I can say this clearly enough Fuck that shit She doesn’t “deserve” shit. None of us do. She wants that nicer house work harder or suck Chad and Tyrone’s dicks better. She may be the mother of your children, but she is no longer your concern. She can do what everyone else should do and get the house she can afford. Your kids will have a roof over their heads when they’re with her.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 05:49 PM
1

My kids have been my anchor through everything. You’ve got a healthy son who is doing well. Stay focused on that. And maybe get another dog when you’re ready. Not a puppy. They’re too much work. But adopt one from a local animal shelter. They can be the best companions.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 11:53 AM
6

I wish I could say it would stop. Just when you think everything has to be done, something else will add to the load. The good news is, you can make it through this. This sub has tons of men who have been where you are and who can help. You’ve definitely been handed a tough few months. But you said one key thing: your finances are fine. I would add that in addition to finances being fine, you are probably relatively healthy other than the eye problem. You didn’t mention kids. If you have them, h…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 11:43 AM
9

It’s your job to show up It’s not your job to explain why she doesn’t He’ll figure out who he can rely on
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 12:22 AM
3

100% Dodged.a.bullet. That’s crazy. My ex kept my last name “for professional reasons,” but she definitely doesn’t pretend we’re still married.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 09:40 PM
3

The kid was the ultimate dealbreaker. The other things are trivial. wtf is up with the yacht? Don’t believe what they say about the ex-husband. Imagine what your ex-wife tells people about you.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 09:33 PM
1

You can do this. Not sure where you live. Fortunately in my state, everything was pretty straightforward. No real room for games. You definitely need a reset, but your kids need you. Whoever is telling you to give up on them is nuts. It’s not right for them, and it’s completely impossible. How can you get that reset and keep giving to your kids?
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 07:01 PM
3

Best TED Talk ever
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 06:08 PM
17

It’s what they do. She’s going to tell all your mutual friends how much happier she is because she has to be happier for all these terrible choices to make any sense.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 05:11 PM
3

Yep Try to get it done as soon as possible if you can. Most likely someone is going to get in her ear and tell her that she needs to be sure she’s getting her fair share. We had mediation ready to go. Oh, but wait, “I talked to an attorney and she said we should probably do collaborative.” Then that attorney really encouraged her to do a full business valuation “just to be sure.” Easily ended up cost an extra $40,000. And I’m pretty sure I got off cheap.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 02:25 PM
0

Your behavior aside, if she hasn’t cheated with this coworker yet, it’s only because she hasn’t had the opportunity to. At some point she would have tested the boundary for a kiss and it would have gone on. Your marriage was destroyed when you had your one night stand. You tried to rebuild, but clearly she has found comfort with something else. Find a good attorney now and start being very careful in your interactions with her. Keep your kids as your main focus. It’s definitely going to suck, bu…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 12:21 PM
12

There’s this thing going around social media, and therefore our culture, depicting how “women carry the mental load” of the household. I’ve seen some videos that show the wife mopping or doing dishes, etc. while the man plays a video game or gets in round of golf. I want to kick the guys in those videos in the nuts for allowing the video to be made. I used to wonder if my marriage would have worked out if I did more. During one of the “you’re not doing enough” talks, I suggested we write down ev…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 12:12 PM
10

She is writing a narrative where she gets to be the hero so she feels okay about herself when she looks in the mirror. My ex did the exact same thing. This isn’t your to process. It’s just one of many things she’s going to do that make no sense to you. Focus on your kids and what you can control.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 10:19 AM
4

Your STBX has mental problems and you’re going to let her have your kids 50% of the time. FTS. I would be pressing for standard possession and she can deal with her shit on her own.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 02:18 AM
10

lol You want accountability from today’s women? It just doesn’t happen Wait until she thinks she should be getting more support, more in the settlement, more of anything despite what she has already agreed to Buckle up, buttercup
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 01:17 AM
29

I made a settlement offer 8 or 10 months before we settled. You take X. I take Y. Let’s be done. Her lawyer talked her into insisting on a business valuation. It resulted in her getting about $26k more than she would have with my offer. It cost her about $40k in lawyer fees to get it. Great job, you stupid whore.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 09:15 PM
5

No. I do talk with my kids in advance about what they want to get her. I make sure the gift is wrapped and ready for the exchange before. I’m suing it to model how to do things right, even though I owe her nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 08:26 PM
5

Just one more example of how “let’s keep this simple” turns into “I gotta get mine” once the dollar signs kick in.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 05:53 PM
1

From what I could tell in what he said, it was affecting his mother more than me. I think he already senses which home will be more stable/safer down the road.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 03:59 PM
2

I’m not sure where in the world you are. Here in the US, it’s Sunday morning. Go to a church. There will be a pastor there right now who can help you work through what you’re dealing with.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 01:31 PM
3

Hang on. You’ll get through this. Gray rock her immediately. Limit communication to written (text and email) as much as possible and only discuss things related to logistics for your kids. Attorneys can handle communication about the divorce. That might seem like the more expensive option, but it’s much less expensive that bail when she accuses you of harassment or DV. Get an attorney. You’re going to have to wait until tomorrow, but you’ve got to do this if you haven’t.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 01:22 PM
10

If she’s like my ex, she wants to seem like it. I’ve found out through some mutual friends that she’s lonely and pretty miserable, which is what I thought would happen. Whereever you go, there you are. Keep working through your stuff and you’ll be better off on the other side. She wasn’t a person you could have relied on when things actually got hard.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 01:14 PM
3

A couple of weeks ago my younger son told me that he didn’t think he and his brother should share the things they do at one house with the other. That’s how he worded it. I hate that he feels he has to silo things. We also had a talk about how that policy if fine for “fun” things if he’s worried about the other parent feeling bad or something and that I’m never going to “feel bad” hearing about something fun he does with mom. However, he needs to know that if something big or heavy happens, he n…
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 01:02 PM
6

So many of the men in this sub have been exactly where you are. And we’re still here. You can get through this, too. First, your kids need you. When things got dark for me, understanding what committing suicide would do to my kids for the rest of their lives kept me fighting. They don’t deserve that. You love them and you will leave them wondering for the rest of their lives why they weren’t good enough for you to stick around. Next, dark times are going to come. Nights that your kids are with t…
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 12:45 PM
2

At least she’s doing it while they’re separated. My ex started while we were still married. Except she probably didn’t wait until they were separated.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 12:32 PM
3

Others have already posted, but if you’ve gotten to a separation, you’re headed for divorce. Maybe at the start she was telling herself it was a trial, but the energy it takes to unsettle the inertia of a 25-year marriage has a way of carrying itself forward.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 12:30 PM
2

Enjoy the single life for a while. Be careful and it will be fun.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 11:09 AM
2

You have no kids? This isn’t going to be nearly as bad as you think it is. If you’re nearly as extroverted as you say, you’re going to find plenty of women open to you exercising that libido. Slow down to recognize your own patterns so you don’t fall into the same situation.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 11:01 AM
3

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I got the “I love you but I’m not in love with you speech” and after 3 marriage counseling sessions she was done. Our kids were 11 and 9 and I was worried how it would affect them. I tucked them in every night. We read together and had our routines. We’re now 2 years after telling them and her moving out, 1 year since the divorce was final. My kids are doing great. We don’t live far apart right now, and they’re able to go between houses pretty easily. …
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 02:41 PM
10

When my ex moved out, I ceased to celebrate her. I do make certain that my kids have a gift to give her for every holiday. I look at it as an opportunity to model for them how to think through getting a gift for someone else. But from me, nothing. The first Father’s Day after she moved out, she said, “Happy Father’s Day,” when she picked up the boys. Mind you, I hadn’t received anything, not that dads ever do. I replied, “Happy anniversary,” because it happened to be our 18th anniversary as well…
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 07:00 PM
5

You get through whatever chunks of time you can one at a time. I’ve been divorced over a year, separated over 2 years, and this morning I found myself just needing 30 minutes to be still. That’s the first time that’s happened in a few months, though. Some days you’ll just want to get through the day. Or the morning. Or maybe the next hour. Get through that and focus on the next one. You’re mourning the loss of the future you thought you had. It’s normal. Take it a little at a time. In between, f…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 08:00 PM
10

Can you possibly get an annulment and not a divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 05:32 PM
3

Expect that everything she says right now will change once the reality of the divorce starts to become clear. She is going to have 0 problems finding other dicks to suck later on. She’s going to have a much bigger problem finding ones to suck attached to men who want to be exclusive. But that’s just one element. If you have kids, she could start seeing the dollar signs of child support. Or spousal support. She could start seeing how much money she can get despite what she said before, and sudden…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 12:02 PM
13

Her deciding that her reasoning was the only logical reasoning even when presented with reasons her reasoning made no sense.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 03:56 PM
3

Late in my divorce, it occurred to me that what I was really doing was buying out a business partner. Once I took that approach, I was able to take emotion out of the proceedings. If you can make a nice side income where you weren’t, charge her a premium price for your services and bank it. Any other action seems like you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 12:40 PM
19

“What if I meet someone?” “Bitch, that hasn’t stopped you up ‘til now.” My ex-wife was so put off because when she signed her lease for her new place I went ahead and started a Tinder account. I figured wtf—you were screwing your affair partner all of last year. They are delusional.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 09:40 PM
16

She is creating a story where she gets to be the noble protagonist and you’re the villain. My ex wife told people whatever she thought they needed to hear to make her the victim and justify her choices. Told her father she didn’t feel safe with me. Told friends I hid things from her about finances (100% not true). Told me that she only married me because I was the safe choice and she wasn’t sure if she ever really loved me. She is crafting a narrative in her head that makes her okay looking at h…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 04:17 PM
2

Give yourself some grace and some time. You’re mourning the loss of the future you had planned. It’s normal. Limit communication with her to only things involved in the logistics for your children. Talking to a therapist can help in the short term. You’re already doing the biggest things right.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 11:57 AM
2

Stay calm and stick to the facts. Remember that no commitments made tomorrow are legally binding for either of you. It’s very likely she will say things tomorrow and make reassurances that evaporate when the reality of her situation sets in.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 11:35 AM
7

My first comment to you is going to be very unsatisfactory. Get used to not having answers to all your questions. There are so many things in this process that you’re never going to get an answer to and the answers you get will often leave you wondering if they are the truth. For now, focus on being the best dad you can be to those kids. Then focus on yourself. Holy shit you are young. You have so many great things in front of you. There are plenty of women out there looking for a stable, honora…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 03:34 AM
1

Oh man, you’re going to be fine. I know it won’t always feel that way right now, but you will. Focus on getting in shape and having a solid work out routine to maintain it. Think it through. You’re 36. Your dating demo is probably 25 to 30-something. I think the bigger problem for you will be blending families than it is finding someone who is okay with you having kids.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/26 05:38 PM
1

She loves it. Attends a lot of their functions. Games, performances, etc. She understood from the start that they are the priority. Of course, they are in middle school, so they’re also self-sufficient in a lot of ways. She has actually helped out when logistics got tough. School pick ups, practice drop offs, etc. We were together about 3 months before I introduced her to my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/26 04:20 PM
1

Alone nights are a little easier. I mostly stack up work during the week on Wednesdays and Thursdays so I don’t get home until late. And when I get home I do housework until I go to bed. I started dating someone exclusively about a year ago. That plus my kids’ events helps fill up the weekends they’re with their mom. Before I met my girlfriend, my dogs provided a lot of comfort.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/26 04:12 PM
1

A fucking miracle We had a good rapport, but I could never trust her again.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/26 12:04 AM
4

It’s a part of their playbook Send her back to the streets and be glad you don’t have kids so you won’t have to see her again
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 10:29 PM
10

If you don’t have kids, contact a lawyer now and get out. I found out my ex was meeting her affair partner mostly at public parks where she got his truck to fuck him. Super classy. Your wife isn’t going to change and at some point you’re going to get the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” speech. Get ahead of it.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 08:22 PM
2

Do.not.leave. Move to another room in the house. Lawyer up. Document everything. Be prepared to record your conversations with her in case she tries to accuse you of DV.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 01:58 PM
3

I struggled with this for the first year of our separation. The thoughts still creep in from time to time when the responsibilities get heavy. I have to remind myself that these are thoughts I’m generating myself. That if I let my mind spiral it will take me to a place I don’t need to be. When I recognize it happening, I find some time to be still. The thoughts typically come when I’m alone—not having to produce at work or parent my kids. It’s definitely not a coincidence. So when it happens, I …
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 01:50 PM
3

We ended up hiring an appraiser. Cost maybe $350.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 01:27 PM
4

She’s cheating. If you don’t have kids, just get out of it as cleanly as possible and move on. She won’t change.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 01:25 PM
1

That makes sense. I was trying to reconcile the office with all of that. Point 4 should probably be amended. It does still sound like he would rather not upset the status quo with a divorce instead of getting out of a relationship with established patterns.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 05:33 PM
7

So many things There’s someone she wants to fuck on this work trip. If she has the chance, she’s going to fuck him. You don’t have kids and it doesn’t sound like significant possessions to resolve. Get a divorce and find something better. Your relationship has a pattern, and without counseling to recognize and interrupt that pattern, it will continue. This part is hard. Stop being a pussy. No one “deserves to be happy.” Thats a bullshit fairy tale that social media serves up. “No one cares. Work…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 04:34 PM
2

Always remember No matter how hot she is somewhere someone is sick of her shit
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 03:19 PM
6

She’s not “interested” in a new guy. She’s fucking the new guy. Focus on your kids right now. Help them through the transition. She’s not going to be any happier with this guy than she was with you. It’ll take time, but the problem wasn’t you. This resentment thing is so ridiculous. I’m starting to think it’s a sign of low IQ. It’s definitely the result of being driven by emotions instead of logic.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 03:25 AM
1

My ex threw away a 17-year relationship. The only redemption is the two amazing kids we have. They’ve kept me going when things were toughest.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 01:46 AM
3

Just pay it forward. Two years from now you’re going to be on this sub and someone is going to be in the situation you’re in now. And I mean it when I say I was in almost the exact same situation you are in. I had tried everything to keep my marriage for the sake of my kids but she wasn’t interested. I made some mistakes a long time ago, but I had owned them and never made them again. She made her own, more recent ones that she never owned.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 09:55 PM
5

Okay man, I was EXACTLY where you are 2 years ago. Almost to the day. And I came close a couple of times. For me it was the knowledge of what killing myself would do to my boys that kept me here. It’s not going to be easy. I wish I could tell you differently. Right now, find a therapist. If you’re a person of faith, lean on that. I’m not a fan of long term therapy, but having someone who can help you work through the next few months will be critical. Then find a routine. For me it was working ou…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 09:48 PM
8

You take the kids, kick her out, and wish her well. She has made herself clear to you. You need to make yourself clear to her. If you’re doing everything in the house and everything for the kids, she can go on. But she doesn’t also get to stay in the home and benefit from that.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 01:15 PM
4

Take some deep breaths Remind yourself that she is no longer your concern. As long as your kids are safe, that’s all that matters. (That is definitely a bigger concern for us given that our exes are bringing men into their homes with our children, but that’s a different conversation.) Do whatever you have to to feel good about yourself and what is going on for you. Workout regularly. Get laid or don’t get laid. Go on a date. Rekindle a hobby. It’s not easy to adjust, but you do, eventually.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/26 03:48 PM
5

We divorced after 17 years. She had an affair. I wanted to see if we could rebuild. She wasn’t interested and has since told me that she’s “really happy right now” (yes, it stings). However, I also know that romance had left our lives years before our kids came along. It was probably never coming back. I’ve met a wonderful woman and am seeing what we can build together. If it works out for years, fantastic. If it doesn’t, I’ve grown pragmatic about the likelihood of long term relationships.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/26 06:15 PM
4

First, no one deserves anything. That’s such a bullshit bag of magic beans our society has constructed. Stop trying to say “she deserves someone who can love her” or that you “deserve someone” you get along with. That’s TikTok cope. You’re going to struggle with the guilt if you decide to end your marriage. The signs were there long before as you’ve pointed out. But it’s doable. I realized a decade ahead of my divorce that I didn’t “love” my ex-wife in that fairy tale way Disney sells. But I rec…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 01:01 PM
5

Yep. Later get ready for useless additional comments in text messages if you’re dealing with logistical things for your kids. Shit that just doesn’t matter at all. In my case, it isn’t because she’s trying to hurt me. She’s just fucking stupid.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 03:38 PM
8

Stack wins. No matter how small they are, stack them. You’re already doing a few of them. Working out is huge. Take one item on that list and start working on it. Just one. Stack the win. The work never stops, so you have to help your self talk by recognizing what you’re doing well.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 12:06 PM
2

You’ve been in relationships for 1/3 of your life and pretty much the entire time you could drive. You’ll date when you’re ready, but my brother, go slow this time and enjoy yourself before you try to lock it down again.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/26 10:43 AM
4

There is a lot on the process that you’re never going to know for sure. You have to get comfortable with that fact.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 06:02 PM
10

Yes, she was fucking him No, you don’t have any proof You never will But, she wasn’t where she said she would be doing what she said she would be doing. She definitely lied about that. Htf is this still dragging on for 4 months? If she isn’t working on the marriage, she’s looking at her options. Go ahead and eliminate yourself as one of those options.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 05:25 PM
1

I don’t doubt she knows the amount. When the temptation of what she thinks she could achieve hits, maybe in a moment of sobriety, expect things to change. Like someone else said, stay away from her as much as you can and see if you can document the alcohol consumption. Maybe she’ll do you a favor and really screw something up, as long as your kids are safe.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 09:28 PM
1

She can try to change her position on you as a father, but these current statements will be evidence for you that a judge is likely to listen to. Expect her to change her opinion, though. At some point she’ll do a calculation about how much child support she could get if she had “standard possession,” and she’ll decide that’s the at to go.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 09:23 PM
1

They’ll get better for you, too
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 08:37 PM
2

Reading the stories from other men in this sub, my divorce definitely wasn’t the worst of the worse. We were married for a total of 17 years. Together to 19. 2 kids. Other than struggles to get pregnant, never really had any hard time. No infidelity on my side. She had a 10-month affair with someone close to our family. I still wanted to try to keep our family in tact. She spent 3 months deciding how she was going to go ahead and jump. Then another 3 weeks going back and forth until I finally ju…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 07:39 PM
1

For your son’s sake, hold on. Get through today. Or this morning. Or the next hour. He needs you in ways you can never anticipate. And making a permanent choice will leave him with questions and damage for the rest of his life. You can’t do that to him.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 03:55 PM
3

I wouldn’t even do that. In my state she could make the case for common law marriage at that point.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 05:38 PM
6

wtf are you thinking about getting married again? You stand to lose plenty and you gain nothing. There is no advantage to being married that can not be taken care of with other civil procedures that do not put half of your assets at risk and cost you tens of thousands of dollars to resolve. It’s not a fun conversation, but you have to have it with her. “I love you, but I am not getting married again.” She’ll decide to do with that information what she wants.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 04:40 PM
1

My ex wife drove to a public park and crawled into the back seat of my kid’s soccer coach’s pick up to suck his dick. They hooked up like this for 10 months. No one had a clue until his wife found some incriminating texts on his phone.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 03:00 AM
10

I’m glad you’re 100% sure she’s not cheating. I am also 100% sure she is cheating. She’s writing a narrative that lets her be the hero in the story. Whether she’s actually cheating or not, she has checked out of your marriage. Even if you opt to continue in a sexless marriage, she is going to monkey branch at some point. Maybe not with another guy, but when she feels she can do it comfortably.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 02:37 PM
2

I offered my ex a settlement where we both walked away with specific assets. Her expensive lawyer convinced her she should try to get more. 8 months and $32,000 later, she got $26,000 more than what I offered. So fucking stupid.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 10:48 PM
2

She won’t take it bc she thinks she’ll get more. She won’t, but it’s going to cost him tens of thousands in legal fees. Hoping she doesn’t have rich parents to fund her delusion.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 09:53 PM
6

Lawyer up. She can want half of whatever she wants half of. Most likely the law will let you keep anything that was yours before the marriage. And if she wasn’t working, she probably isn’t entitled to much equity in the house. Even if she is entitled to half of the appreciation over the last 3 years you can find an appraiser to give you a good appraisal. You’re going to be delighted with how little she is going to get. Expect her to get nasty about it. You don’t mention kids, so I’m hoping you d…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 09:02 PM
2

It did my mind a lot of good when I started looking at the situation as buying out a business partner rather than the dissolution of my marriage. I had to remind myself of that often, but it did help.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 02:42 PM
3

It’s not the first reversal you’re going to have in this process. The good thing is now you know the signs. Learn to recognize it for what it is at the time. As frustrating as the next one will be, you’ll be better equipped to handle it.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 01:46 PM
3

The best advice is to control what you control. Get a workout routine. Put it on your calendar. Stay disciplined with it. And when you are frustrated or down, work out some more. Find a hobby you like or gave up. Learn to play guitar. Cook. Bake. Whatever it is that will occupy your mind when you’re on your own in your apartment. If you’re a person of faith, lean on that. Go to/get back to those basics. Take things one day, one morning, one hour at a time. You’re going to go back and forth. You’…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 12:51 PM
3

It sounds like your situation is very much like mine was except no step kids. We have our two children. It also sounds like you’re hoping that she’ll change her mind. She won’t. When she’s alone, she’s doom scrolling social media and getting all sorts of “you go girl” and “boss babe” cheerleading. She’s getting affirmation that she “has to put on her oxygen mask first.” Take care of you and yours.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 11:59 AM
8

Don’t give her things she can use to keep your children away from you. While in the moment you think it’s the right thing to do or say, you’re giving her ammunition. The courts don’t care about infidelity. They will care that your children have a safe home with you. Stay civil for their sakes.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 11:56 AM
2

Then you have to take care of you. I’ll pray for you to have strength as you get through this.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 11:50 AM
2

You’re not being petty. You’re struggling to accept a future you didn’t want. Is there a way you can put the step kids’ needs at the front for the next few weeks? You say you love them dearly, so if you’re wanting a relationship with them in the future, maybe you can lay that groundwork the next few weeks. I would say that an ongoing relationship with them is unlikely for practical reasons, but it will be impossible if you shut them out the next few weeks.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 11:45 AM
8

Go back to the lunch spot. You didn’t send dick pics or anything in appropriate. Don’t let any woman’s behavior dictate your preferences.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 03:48 AM
2

You can try the amicable separation Things most likely will cease to be amicable when she realizes she’s losing benefits no matter how hard you try to keep it that way
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 07:29 PM
8

My ex-wife had an affair. I wanted to work on the marriage and stay together. She decided she wanted a divorce. I am sure there were things I could have done better. I’m also confident that I did my best.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 09:29 PM
3

I dated during my separation. I definitely made it clear that I was separated and not divorced when we matched. I waited for the right time in our conversations to bring it up. Only once did I meet someone for coffee who didn’t realize my divorce wasn’t final. I’m not sure how that happened, but we also would not have been a match for a host of other reasons. Plenty of women aren’t going to care.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 10:21 AM
2

I’m working through something similar. My divorce wasn’t quite as amicable as yours. I would have stayed in the marriage to keep things stable for my kids. (They’re doing fine so far, so it seems that concern is assuaged.) The thing I’m struggling with now isn’t whether or not I can be in love. I have been dating someone exclusively for over 8 months. I struggle with the question of permanence. We’re talking about the future and making plans, but I find myself guarded because I feel it could unr…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 10:12 AM
2

Be there for him when this all comes crashing down. And look up tattoo removal options on his behalf.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 02:47 PM
4

I went into dating thinking “whatever happens, happens” I filtered pretty hard for first dates as well as second dates. The woman I’m seeing now is the first one who got past a 4th date, and there was only 1 who got to a 4th date. I’ve kept my standards pretty high and accepted that I don’t control anything else. We’ll see what happens.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 02:15 PM
11

You’re not alone. My ex-wife blew up a 16-year marriage for a 10-month affair. But I am seeing someone exclusively now, and we’re talking about the future. The difficulty now is trusting the possibility and trying to build on a solid foundation. We’ve been dating for a little over 8 months, and her words and actions are 100% consistent with each other. I’m slowly building trust again, although I doubt that I’ll ever feel completely secure in a relationship again.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 12:45 PM
5

I do still do this. My children and I come up with ideas and I try to use it as a time to “coach” them about how to look at the world from another person’s perspective. What is something she’s interested in? Something she could use?
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 10:18 PM
5

Mostly—get more money
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 02:48 PM
10

I’ve been married twice. I’m not interested in getting married a third time. While I am in a relationship now, I am also aware of how the odds are stacked against the relationship lasting long term. I’m committed, just like I was committed to both of my marriages, but I’ve learned that my commitment is only half of the equation. So if it works out, awesome. If it doesn’t, I won’t be entangled again.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 02:40 PM
3

I’ve been where you are now. I got very close. The thing that kept me from harming myself was the realization of the irreparable harm it would do to my children. I did not want to leave them with a lifetime of wondering why they weren’t enough for me to keep going. Wondering what they might have done that caused it. If somehow it was their fault. Tell yourself you’re going to get through today. Or this morning. Or the next hour. Or the next 15 minutes. Once you get through that space, set the ne…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 11:29 AM
4

I’ve been married twice. First one was 3 years. No kids. She cheated. I kicked her out. Second one was 18 years. 2 kids. She cheated. I tried to keep the marriage to not disrupt my children’s life. She left anyway. I’m not interested in a 3rd marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 11:24 AM
1

Are you religious? You can turn to your faith. Do you have hobbies? Find groups who do the same things. Do you work out? (If no, get started now.) You can join a gym. Find a routine that helps you create a new normal. The quiet house can still be unsettling, but it helps your mind stay focused.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 10:40 AM
5

I’m sorry you’re having to go through what so many of us on here have dealt with. I hope the best promise anyone can make is that you can get through it just like we did. Everything you’ve described you’re going through is 100% normal. That doesn’t make it suck less, but you need to know that. The pain will start to lessen and it will eventually get close to zero. Never to zero, but close.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 10:32 AM
1

Marriage is a democracy, but the vote has to be unanimous.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 03:35 AM
2

I am going to be kind. First, there is no way you tell your wife this without hurting her. Give up on that. Second, expect to lose most of your time with your daughter over this. You already said your wife controls the parenting. That will not dial down. There could be lots of reasons, but that will be the reality. Third, prepare yourself for the guilt of the damage this will do to your daughter. For that reason alone, try to give her as stable a life as you can.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 02:34 PM
3

How often did/do you talk to your dad once you left home and built your own life? It’s the way of it. Parent-child relationships are very much one-way streets. Our hope is that what we give them they pay forward to their children.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 02:29 PM
1

Dude, you are not going to have a problem dating. If you decide to do OLD, don’t post fish pics or bathroom/car selfies. Figure out a way to get a few pictures of yourself out there being active. Be respectful and engaging when you chat, and you’ll be fine. Now, finding someone you want to date long term will be trickier. But take your time and enjoy yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 12:47 PM
11

She’s been thinking about this for a while. She may have second thoughts, but prepare yourself for her to commit to this decision. You’re getting a reset. You’re going to find plenty of 30-somethings interested in starting families. I’m 56 with an 11 year old and 13 year old. You’ve got plenty of time.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 12:03 PM
7

You wanted advice You posted in this group that tends to be a little hard edged Did you want “take time and do the work” advice? Probably the wrong forum. And it’s your damn headline ffs.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/26 06:15 PM
1

Learn to spell Juliet And GTFO it You know how that story ended, right?
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/26 04:41 PM
9

I mean, you’re committed at this point, I guess. I won’t be getting married again. First marriage was 3 years. Divorced because of her infidelity and lying. Met my 2nd wife 4 years later. Married after two years of dating. Divorced after 18 years because of her infidelity and lying. I hope it works out for you. I do not see an upside for men to marry. No one yet has been able to tell me something we get from marriage that can not be provided without marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/26 12:47 PM
8

She would sometimes have to rewash dishes after I hand washed them Probably my favorite
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/26 10:06 PM
4

Fuck being greedy You’re owed what you’re owed according to the law From what you’ve listed you have about £300k in equity and £120k in savings. At a minimum, you should be getting £60k from savings. Your legal jurisdiction will dictate what happens to the equity. You didn’t say how much they put down. Given that you’re early into the mortgage and have that much equity, it’s probably substantial. You could probably make a case that it was a gift to the marital home and unless stipulated otherwis…
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/26 04:46 PM
7

If you want this to stop, you need clear boundaries. You’re allowing her to share her personal life with you. That’s what friends do. If you want to be friends, continue to allow her to talk to you about her social life, etc Personally, I made the decision early on that the only conversations I would have with my ex would be related to logistics for our children. If she didn’t want me as a partner, she didn’t get me as a friend.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/26 12:38 PM
2

It’s rough right now, but the next few weeks will be the toughest it will get. You’ll start to adjust to the new normal. Everything you’re going through right is normal. You’ve worded it very well. Stay focused on you and being there for your kids. They are the most important thing. Do you have any hobbies that can turn help? I threw myself into woodworking and playing guitar. Also worked on my barbecuing skills.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/26 12:45 PM
2

I had exactly the same dread that you did. My older child was the same age as yours now when we separated. He's doing great. I'm hoping that you're getting 50/50 custody. I wanted to push for standard custody for myself, but a family therapist told me that 50/50 would be better for the children. It's the only reason I agreed.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 10:48 PM
9

The "ladies spend money getting made up and dressed up" is such bullshit. Okay, men spend money on the vehicle they pick her up in. Men have to go to the gym to stay fit. It's such a stupid argument. I've been dating a woman for 8 months. We've never discussed money. We're building a life together, so if someone else needs something, we get it for them. A while back she needed a new carrier for her cat. I could go pick it up at PetSmart easier than she could, so I grabbed it. Last weekend I was …
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 10:45 PM
2

Model strength for your son. It’s okay to let him know you miss him, but show him the strength and discipline that can come with that. I had the same concern for my children. I tucked them into bed every night, often fell asleep beside them. But between school and extracurricular events, I probably see them 50% of the days they’re with their mom during the school year. And they both have phones, so we text often. In addition, our time together is a little more special. This year we took a trip a…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 09:51 PM
1

I bet you’re super fun at parties
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 08:31 PM
2

I posted this a couple of months ago about how I stayed centered when everything blew up. https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/s/HvggD2cHIF My immediate reactions. Get back to your faith if you are a believer. Go to church. Turn to God. Set a routine. Make working out a key part of it. Non-negotiable. Keep your daughter first in the process. Since being in a two-parent home is no longer the option, what is the next best thing? Lawyer up. She is no longer your friend or your partner. Don’t give h…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 04:12 PM
6

Lawyer up. Now!
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/26 08:21 PM
17

“Hey, would you like to grab coffee sometime?” She says yes and you know. She says no and you blow it off and keep being friendly. We’re too old for this to be tricky.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/26 06:04 PM
1

You sound exhausted If you do decide to more standard possession than 50/50, be prepared for her to make those times miserable as well I have 50/50 custody and hate when they’re with their mom and my house is empty; however, that’s about me, not necessarily what is best for them. If you’re at their events, involved in their lives, stating in contact, I can see where it would work out okay. But be prepared for her to take up your limited time with them.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 04:58 PM
1

Yep She needed those three months to come up with the narrative that we’d grown too far apart, that I had kept things from her (I had not), that she only chose me because I was the safe choice She tried out a lot of different stories to justify her choices
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 04:51 PM
4

Still trying to figure out what that means, though. Do all of the other girls “make her feel special” all day so she doesn’t have to do anything? Is it a lesbian orgy? Are the parading a bunch of dudes through Lilly Phillips style and cheering her on? The modern woman is such a fucked up culture.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 02:20 PM
3

I’ve got bad news for you, man She’s already cheating. It’s a crazy assumption, but that’s what it sounds like. If she isn’t actively doing it, she’s definitely thinking about it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 02:19 PM
2

wtf does “pretend to be the hen” even mean?
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 02:16 PM
3

When she told me she wanted a divorce. I was committed to trying to make things work. She took 3 months after telling me about her affair and giving me the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” talk to decide she was a victim and had only picked me because I was the safe choice. I still struggle with whether I should have kicked her out the day she told me. Not because it would have changed anything, but i wonder about my own pride as a man having her cuckold me in that way and then trying t…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 11:58 AM
6

I don’t have advice. I can tell you that it gets better. I’m almost 1 year divorced and 2 years separated. I viscerally hated her for several months even though I knew it didn’t matter to her. These days I am mostly at peace with the knowledge that she is fundamentally an unpleasant person and my life is better with her in it as little as possible. I still have moments where I’m angry with her. The other bad news is that just when you think everything is done, something unexpected will come up.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 07:31 PM
2

Get ready for her to decide that mediation isn’t working and you have to do something else when that divorced friend convinces her she isnt getting enough.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 02:23 PM
3

So much there I feel bad for you man And then your therapist tells you to put fiancé and her kids first? Fire that therapist. But now the honest question—wtf are you even thinking about marriage?
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 02:21 PM
3

Why be depressed? Go get some of that sweet sweet over 40 divorcee loving for yourself. You already had what your STBX offered.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 10:21 PM
1

I hope you find the catharsis you seek
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 06:22 PM
16

I hate that you’re hurting to this point But stop being a pussy and wallowing in the grief I’ve been there. Most of the men in this sub have been there. But none of what you say is true if you don’t want it to be. If you want to find someone to fuck, you can find someone to fuck. The apps are full of them. And women who say they are dating with intention are also full of shit. If you want to go out and have fun, go out and have fun. You’re in control of how you feel. Whenever you start to “feel …
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 05:44 PM
3

100% my same situation. She needs to be the life of the party and in the middle of things while somehow also trying to be above it all. She needs to make sure everyone knows how well she’s doing since she finally found her peace without me in her life and around her children half the time she used to be. I focus on controlling what I can control. I have my routine and I take care of myself and my kids. As infuriating as her behavior is, I’m starting to see that people also see it for the cope it…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 03:34 PM
1

I know that feels good to think about, but it isn’t going to work out the way you think it will. When my ex-wife told me she wanted a divorce, she cited a new raise she was getting as a sign to her that this was what she needed to do. She needed to blow up her family and throw my unconditional support because she wasn’t happy and would be happier divorced. A few months ago she was up for the promotion she’d been waiting on for years. She got passed over twice. This weekend she told my kids and m…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 03:31 PM
17

Good for you. And stop doing things to make her life better. That’s not your concern and clearly she won’t appreciate it.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 03:48 AM
6

I realized 6 or 7 years in that I wasn’t in love with my wife. I was committed to the marriage and once we had kids I honored her and respected her. Never cheated. But I wasn’t in love with her. I loved her and would protect and provide. But that spark/chemistry was long gone. Much of that was due to how she treated me. She had no interest in things I did but expected me to be highly engaged with what was happening in her life. I resented her for that and she resented me for what she perceived a…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 03:00 AM
10

The reality of needing to work more got replaced by the possibility of receiving child support.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 11:53 AM
1

The only current good in your story is helping me see how much worse my situation could have been. Praying for you, brother.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/26 06:57 PM
1

Go in with no expectations. Stay in the moment as much as possible. Let whatever happens happen. You’re both 40-something adults with a whole lot of life behind you. You’ve both solved more difficult problems already.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/26 06:10 PM
7

First, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s seems to be the modern trend where women look around, ask themselves if this is it, and then decide it has to be better elsewhere. Second, while you’re not okay right now, you will be. You probably have a pretty long road to recover your health. Make that your focus for now. If you’re overweight, get that right. Diet and exercise. You’re 46. You still have plenty of time; however, you owe it to those kids you want to have to be around as long as…
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 04:48 PM
3

If you like the dogs, keep the dogs. One of our dogs was actually the only real thing we argued over during the process. It also speaks to how self-absorbed she’s become that she only wanted one of the dogs and only wants him when it’s convenient for her I don’t think you’re setting any sort of precedent about “giving in.” You’re doing what’s right for these animals.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 04:32 PM
5

Limerance = evil Any new woman is 💯capable of everything the previous woman was capable of
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 12:14 AM
16

I was talking with a friend yesterday and he seemed shocked that I would never be able to trust a partner again. However, I’ve come to the realization that the way I was blindsided by my ex-wife means that I will never feel 100% secure in a relationship. My current partner is wonderful. Says all the right things. Actions align with her words. But it was the same with my ex-wife until it wasn’t.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 12:42 PM
2

It’s a hard truth. You can get over her, but it starts with setting a firm boundary. With her and with yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 12:54 PM
9

Your ex wife or an ex girlfriend? Ex girlfriend: smash and dash. Do not get emotionally entangled. There’s a reason she’s your ex that you’ve forgotten. Ex wife: wtf are you excited?
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 11:00 PM
1

If it helps, I put this together a month or so ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/s/xf0O2UXHu3
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 07:17 PM
1

Also, what a complete POS that guy is.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 06:47 PM
1

Stay focused on your kids. My divorce was final about a year ago. Their mom moved out almost 2 years ago. In fact, Monday is 2 years since she told me she wanted the divorce. My kids are thriving. I’m headed on a trip with them tomorrow. I’ve met someone and we’re working out how to blend families. As long as your kids are your focus and you’re involved in their lives, they’ll come through this as unscathed as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 06:42 PM
6

You are divorcing. Start practicing your gray rock now. For context, he probably didn’t reach out to her. She probably reached out to him in some manner first for some sort of monkey branch security. It doesn’t matter, though. What she does now is no more your concern than what she does after you divorce will be. It’s a tough adjustment, but it’s one you’ll have to make at some point. Practice doing so now.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 06:13 PM
1

I posted this a month or so ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/s/MXq81HDY0a
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 02:20 AM
1

Buy cheap shit. That’s why God created IKEA.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 09:44 PM
1

The actual value of the furniture, etc. is probably pretty low. It’ll be market value not replacement. I kept the house. She took some of the furniture that I didn’t want, but we never argued over the value of any of that.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 09:31 PM
11

Lawyer up. Now. Push for 50/50 custody if at all possible. It’s better for your kids to have both parents. The rest of the possessions are just possessions. You’ll sort that out and courts in no fault divorced are just going to divide things in half. Don’t play nice thinking that will make things better. You can play nice, be neutral, or play dirty and your STBXW is going to end up treating you the same. Play however you have to make sure you are getting screwed over. After that will be the emot…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 04:35 PM
2

Yes. Dude is saying he’d start with hookers and work on hook ups. I’m saying he’ll pick up some new diseases.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 02:00 PM
1

Any chance it’s where you live?
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 01:51 PM
2

My man, I get that your experience is telling you otherwise, but I can tell you that, as someone with exactly the same profile, I had no problem finding women to date. I’m average to below-average looking. Average height. Workout regularly. Very unexciting job, but financially stable. 50/50 custody of two kids. You’ve probably got me in the professional dress category because my wardrobe is blue jeans and a non-descript polo. I do everything I can in public to not be noticed. I’m also like you i…
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 01:45 PM
1

I’m genuinely curious what those factors are.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 01:22 PM
2

Make sure your health insurance is solid because you’re probably going to need some antibiotics at a minimum.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 01:20 PM
2

Have you evaluated why that might be and what you might do about it? Or are you resigned that this is what it will be?
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 01:19 PM
5

Figure out what you want to say and use the AI platform you prefer to help you wordsmith it.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 12:55 PM
3

I posted this a few weeks ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/s/YSMnw7POnF The pain is going to come and go. Next week is 2 years since she told me she wanted a divorce, and I still have so many unanswered questions. Your response is to focus on you right now. If your kids are still at home, be the best dad you can be for them. Stay fit or get fit. Build a routine. Revive your hobbies.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 12:29 AM
8

That confirms it. Those posts are pure cope. She needs people to think she’s doing great. That all her plans are working out the way she hoped. But they’re not. Mine has been pretending to be mom of the year since she moved out. Meanwhile, she has yet to have her kids for a single night this month and she missed a soccer game last night because she wasn’t feeling well. I don’t control what she does or how people see her. But my kids 100% know which one of us they can count on.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 06:22 PM
14

She has created a story where she’s the hero and this lets her signal to her “you’re so brave” supporters that she’s doing well. Shrug it off. Get in the gym. Lift harder. Run farther. Focus on you.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 06:14 PM
3

The market for used sex toys is so disappointing. Not the sort of item that does well on FB Marketplace.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 11:49 AM
6

Does your MSA have a provision for reimbursement of legal fees should a judgment be decided against the other party?
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 03:37 AM
13

Gray rock that shit. Pity the other guy that he’s going to put up with her shit because 💯she hasn’t changed what she’s going to do.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 07:59 PM
8

My first one was childless and I thought a fluke. Learned my lesson this time.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/26 11:04 PM
11

I’m so sorry we were right. I’m 0 for 2 and both ended with infidelity from my spouse. I will not be 0 for 3.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/26 10:49 PM
2

Many people will say it was too soon. My ex and I separated in April of 2024. The divorce was final in April of 2025. I met my current partner in July of 2025 and we had an instant connection. We agreed to exclusivity almost immediately. We’ve worked on building since then.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/26 09:23 PM
2

It’s the result of the “happy wife, happy life” nonsense. We’ve spent 3 generations telling women to be boss babes and that they shouldn’t settle. I’m not sure how we can be surprised.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/26 07:20 PM
1

I don’t think it’s going to matter. By definition a mediator’s job is to stay balanced. The best measurement is probably whether both parties are unhappy with the mediator. If at all possible, get it done through mediation. Collaborative and litigation are exponentially more expensive.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/26 07:09 PM
1

I read a post in a FB post from a woman asking for advice about a divorce attorney. In the same post she complained that her husband was lazy and never did anything to help with the kids’ activities and that she was always worried that he would miss taking them to an activity because he was working late. It seems hard for him to both be lazy AND get caught up working late. Seems more like she wants a divorce and wants to justify it.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/26 07:06 PM
5

I definitely find it difficult to open up too much about things with the woman I’m seeing now. I find myself wondering when she’ll decide she isn’t happy and just walk away. I’m not unpleasant and I love my time with her, but I loved my time with my ex-wife. We never fought and have two amazing kids. But after 17 years she decided she’d had enough and wanted to try something else. Realizing that it all started well before 17 years doesn’t help. When I say there were no signs, there were no signs…
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/26 02:41 PM
3

You’re mostly mourning the loss of the future you thought you would have. This will come and go in waves over the next many months. And just when you think you’re past it, it’ll happen again. Be there for your kids. Be their rock. They’ll need every minute you can give them.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 08:53 PM
12

I once told my ex-wife that if anything happened to our kids I’m not sure how I would go on. She was offended. The modern woman is a shit show.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 07:54 PM
2

Classic gaslighting.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 12:48 PM
13

Stop caring now. Immediately. Not your monkeys, not your circus. The sooner you start gray rocking this sort of thing, the sooner you'll get to the new you.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 01:32 AM
5

Best title on Reddit
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 12:10 AM
3

Sadly, my dating circle is very low on billionaires
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 08:53 PM
13

I’m good with another relationship. I will never get married again. I see no advantage for me doing so.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 08:03 PM
9

Kind of like when some obese woman posts a bathing suit picture and other women tell her how brave she is.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 04:30 PM
1

Sure, but that post made it sound like he specifically doesn’t want that.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 03:38 PM
2

Is there a reason you’re going with standard possession instead of 50/50?
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 03:09 PM
1

They’ll do a consultation for free so they can determine what you need. That’s your starting point. After that, start working extra hours on the days you don’t have your kids and see what you can borrow from family.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 01:41 AM
8

Start by stop GAF. Don’t try to be nice. Don’t try to be cordial. You don’t have to be cruel, but you have to stop engaging in anything that doesn’t deal with logistics related to the divorce. If you don’t have children, then those logistics will disappear as soon as all of the conditions of the divorce are met. After that, everything about her goes in the that category of “not your problem.” Right now just about everything related to her life goes into that category as well. The sooner you do t…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 09:59 PM
5

It gets easier each day that you do it. You’re undoing years of muscle memory. She was the first person you wanted to share things with. You have to adjust to not grabbing your phone when you think of something you think she’d like to hear. It’s a tough habit to change, but it gets easier.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 08:50 PM
10

I fought to keep my marriage together and my family in tact. I am still working through the bitterness over her choices. We were married 17 years and together 19 with two kids. The best thing I did was set hard boundaries. When she wants to tell me about her job, I nod without reaction and disengage. When we text, it is strictly related to logistics related to the children. She believed she would find a better life without me. I’m working to get from hoping she’s miserable to not caring if she d…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 12:29 AM
7

Because marriage is a democracy but the vote has to be unanimous.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/26 04:07 AM
3

You still have to help establish boundaries and routines. It would be great to be the cool parent, but you have to help them build adult skills. I say this the day before a 5:45 am wake up for a soccer (football) game tomorrow. I’ll be making sure my boys are in bed early tonight.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 08:07 PM
16

Hey buddy, Dave isn’t new. He’s just new to you. And the friend she’s going to hang out with has known about Dave for quite some time. As you move on, move past that friend as well.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 11:55 AM
8

If you do tell him, it isn’t going to go the way you expect. You probably should tell him, but as others have said, wait until your divorce is final. Get your stuff in order and don’t give her a reason to make things uglier than they are. If you tell him, she is going to play the victim in so many ways, and he will likely rationalize what has happened. She’ll tell him how she has fallen in love with him in ways she didn’t think she could feel again. Blah, blah, blah. She’ll tell him the same sto…
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 11:36 AM
1

That you’re a lucky man.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 12:54 PM
13

No matter how hot any woman is, somewhere someone is sick of her shit.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 04:02 AM
11

Some hard truths for you. The sooner you get comfortable with them, the sooner you heal. First, what she and her new STBXH talk about isn’t in your control. When you find your mind going there, shut it down. It’s just leading you into a spiral guaranteed to make you unhappy. And the same goes for knowing things will catch up to her someday. They will, and most likely you’ll never even know it happened. For all of the outside world, she’ll keep right on putting on the show that everything is wond…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 03:23 PM
10

There were a bunch Like the day she told me she no longer felt guilt or shame about what she had done Or the uncountable times she has played the victim Or the uncountable times that she has “retold” what happened to friend while leaving out every detail that makes her look like the complete piece of shit human she is
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 12:17 AM
4

It sounds legitimately terrible. You’re going to provide for the kids 75% of the time (meals, weekends, etc.) and still be in the hook for child support? More importantly, it sounds destabilizing for the kids. My kids’ mom and I do a 2-2-5-5 during the school year and alternating weeks during the summer. The kids seem to like it and all indications are they’re doing well with it.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 10:01 PM
5

We have school age kids so I see my ex at all the events. She was never conventionally beautiful. I found her attractive because of her personality. Truly. She was my type. Until she wasn’t. The divorce definitely did that. Now I can’t stand her and wonder why I put up with so much for so long.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 07:30 PM
5

You’ve been separated for 2 years and they don’t see it as odd? We told our boys when they were 9 and 11 and they have done just fine with it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 09:06 PM
11

So much of my identity was wrapped up in being a family man. Dad. Husband. Model family with two fantastic kids. She stripped me of that, and it's an anger I am still struggling with. But I am building a new life with an amazing woman.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 07:26 PM
12

At some level this feels like you’re getting some revenge on your ex for the divorce you didn’t want. But the only people it really hurts are those boys. If there isn’t an opportunity cost to you for watching them, what a great opportunity. Emphasis on “if there is no opportunity cost.” If this is a time when you will have your own child as well and the $100 rate seems right for the childcare, it seems like a win-win-win. You make an extra couple hundred a week at no real additional cost to your…
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/26 05:37 AM
6

It will happen. I wish I could tell you that it will happen before you know it. I’m not sure that’s what is happening for us. I can tell you that I’m much clearer on what I’m looking for in a partner now that I’ve been through the last 2 years. You’ll get there. Someday I will too.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/26 05:03 AM
18

I know you already know this Most of what your mourning right now is the loss of the future you had envisioned. I went through the same process. And every day that I think I’m doing better, every day that I think about the incredible woman I’m seeing now and contemplating a future with now, that very same day some event seems to happen where my kids’ mom and I have to interact and where she puts on that face that she is living her best life now that she’s shed of me. And I feel like I’m back at …
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/26 04:47 AM
1

I handled the uncertainty by getting through it a little at a time. I started dating not long after we separated, but I was always clear with the other person that we were separated. I also wasn’t particularly interested in anything long term. It was mostly about good company. I never developed feelings for any of those women and none of the encounters lasted more than 4 dates. I have boys, and I’m sure it hits them differently. This was very much their mother’s choice, which I haven’t shared wi…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 02:37 AM
1

But that’s a different situation, and I sensed that it might be something else involved. I’m 0 for 2 in marriages, but I ended my first one for many of the same reasons you’re describing. We also had no kids and her behavior made me question her fitness as a mother. It sounds like your wife wants to reconcile for safety, not for the sake of a quality partnership. In that case you have two crappy situations and have to take the less crappy of the two. Sending you positive thoughts.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 11:07 PM
9

My divorce sucked…. And then I read these stories and realize how easy it actually was Still sucked, just not as much as it could have. More of a Dyson hand vac compared to these universe-ending black holes so many of you post
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 10:50 PM
2

I made this post in this sub about 2 weeks ago. These four concepts have helped me stay grounded. https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/s/SWKGq2AiRW
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 09:39 PM
4

This isn’t something you control, so it isn’t something you should be discussing with your 15 year old daughter, either. Right now it feels novel to your daughter because she’s being let into a world of adult relationships. At some point she might realize how inappropriate it was for her mom to do that. Or she might never come to that realization. Either way, your role is to be her rock and her foundation. It’ll be hard when your daughter mentions something mom and Chad did last weekend, but you…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 09:22 PM
2

Take it day-by-day right now. Sometimes hour-by-hour. You don’t need a gym. Get on the AI platform of your choice. Tell it to be a personal trainer. Give it your stats like age, height, weight, etc and tell it to create a program for you with just body weight exercises. And carve out a time in your day to dedicate to it. You’ll see results in just a few weeks.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 09:06 PM
1

I did the same. Now the trick is keeping it off. Eat fresh food. Learn to enjoy the quiet. I still hate my quiet house, but I’m learning to appreciate the time to myself. What hobbies did you pick up?
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 07:12 PM
6

You have to separate what she does and who she does it with. It’s the toughest thing, but it’s no longer your concern. You’re mourning the loss of the future you thought you had. You need to wrestle with the fact that she wasn’t going to be the woman you could have that future with. Commit to your kids if you have them then yourself next. Get to your faith. Get in the gym. Lose that 15 or 40 pounds and treat yourself to so slim cut clothes that show off the work. Get some hobbies where you build…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 07:08 PM
1

Stay strong man. For your kids and your dignity.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 09:54 PM
19

I’m not wishing you strength to do this to your family. You have a partner who wants reconciliation. You have children who will do better in a 2-parent home. What has happened that you are turning your back on that?
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 08:05 PM
5

Obviously, all of this depends on what your divorce decree stipulates. However, this isn’t your expense any more than if you sent your kids to stay with your parents. If the divorce decree doesn’t specifically say you should pay half, then it’s her bill to pay.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 01:41 PM
5

So many people asking you this. Why would you want to involve the government in your relationship again? Such a giant mistake.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 01:05 PM
1

If ever there was a time to gray rock, this is it. Pre-game for yourself by mentally rehearsing what will happen and imagining your reactions to it. Picture yourself controlled and disciplined, so when it happens you’ve already walked through it.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 12:45 PM
2

His ex got the house and her AP moved in. That should end well.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 11:30 AM
4

Please start a blog and share it so we can live vicariously.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 11:25 AM
2

It’s BS. I (56M) met someone (50F) about 7 months ago and we’re perfectly happy. I don’t think we’re the exception. 20-something women are going to come with 20-something problems. It isn’t what all or even most 40-something men are wanting. They don’t want to make social references they have to explain. They’re usually not interested in going to the club. And you probably don’t want the 40-something men who want those things. It sorts itself out. Dating isn’t all that different than it used to …
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 09:20 PM
6

Gray rock whatever she is doing. It’s difficult, but it’s no longer your concern. Get on the apps. You’re going to have 0 problem finding women happy to engage on whatever level you want to engage on. Take your time. Don’t rush replacing one relationship with another.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 05:09 PM
4

It sucks that you’re in this same situation that so many men are finding themselves in. It sucks that our society is working hard to erase the sort of accountability that would make marriage last. However, it does get easier, and you have so many positives out of this. First, you’re so very young. You have a solid 50 years ahead of you. Take the next 3 to 5 years to build who you are before you even begin to think about settling into a new relationship. Second, you didn’t have kids. Maybe that’s…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 12:49 PM
1

I’m not saying that dude is going to be waist deep in women, but he will definitely find some late 20-somethings who are interested in dating. They might even be realistic and not delusional.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 11:38 PM
1

Everything is realistic. It may not be the first one you match with, but plenty of 20 year olds happy to date 30 year olds.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 10:05 PM
2

You will have 0 problems Most of the women in your dating pool are also divorced. And if they’re 30-something and never married, they don’t tend to be judgmental. It also won’t bother 20-somethings.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 09:37 PM
4

Stay strong. Get through the next hour. And then the morning. And then the rest of the day. Stack those small wins.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 01:23 PM
9

Absolutely not. I regret not kicking her out when she revealed her affair. She has said and done things that, even if she were contrite, there is no way I could trust her again.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 11:38 AM
3

No kids? It sucks, but you’re young and you’ll be fine. Spend the next few years establishing who you are so when you do meet someone and have kids, you can enjoy that new role.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 01:56 PM
2

Shame is a powerful force. Unfortunately, our society in general moves away from that sort of accountability.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 05:37 PM
5

I’ve committed to my children, my work, and my health. I’ve recommitted to my faith. My kids’ events take priority in my life. I have a set time to work out every day that works around that, and I build my work schedule through it all. I take time throughout the day to pray and reflect. Part of me wishes I would have ended it when she told me about her affair. I would be interested to see how things went differently. For the sake of my kids and the life I thought we built, I tried to hang on. Th…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 04:58 PM
1

It will be. And it will be a slow process. You’ll also have set backs. But you’ll get there.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 04:08 PM
4

She had wanted out for some time and has just been working her way to this. It’s why you feel blindsided. She now thinks she has her justification. There’s nothing you can do. Hire an attorney. Try to get as much custody as you can because your kids need their dad. Try to get through it as cheaply as you can because the only ones who profit from a divorce are the attorneys.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 04:00 PM
2

Take it day by day, sometimes just through the morning or the afternoon or the night. Sometimes just through the next hour. Little by little you’ll get to a new normal.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 03:49 PM
2

That’s just it, though. You’ll feel better in the moment and then you’ll just get frustrated again by things not turning out the way you thought. It’s better just to let it go, cheating and all. It isn’t your job to be the bearer of this news.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 02:00 PM
1

FWIW, I have a 2-2-5-5 agreement which has worked out very well for my kids. It ends up being more of a 3-2-4-5 arrangement because they’re with me every Sunday night during the school year. Their mom and I agreed to that separate from the decree.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 01:41 PM
12

My ex-wife has told several of our friends about her affair. I’ve shared it with a couple of close friends. It has surprised me that all of them continue to socialize with her. None of it has made her a pariah. I think something similar would happen here. You have this picture in your head that it would make them hurt as much as you are hurting. But it won’t. You have to get over the hatred and desire for revenge. It will never work out the way you hoped.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 11:39 AM
8

Marriage is a democracy and the vote has to be unanimous. Do a pre-nup. Sure it sounds antithetical to the “happily ever after” vibe, but it is needed.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 12:48 PM
2

Two things I’ve done that have helped a ton. I have my groceries delivered. I use Kroger. They have an annual membership for $70 full pay but offer early renewals. I got this year’s membership for $40. It comes with no delivery fees on next day deliveries and a ton of extra fuel points. On fuel points alone I’ve make back the annual fee in just a month. My early concerns like quality of produce, etc. haven’t been a problem. Plus I can scan things in the app as I need them to build that week’s de…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 02:31 PM
6

Please know that my comments came from having been in EXACTLY your situation about 18 months ago. I had information that I wanted to use mostly to get back at her. Your ex is a POS human being. She isn’t the woman you married 16 years ago. The sooner you can get things settled, the better. Your anger is 100% justified, but what you gain will not be worth the cost. You don’t have a lot of leverage anyway since the infidelity happened after the petition was filed. I’m not an attorney, but the soon…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 01:43 PM
17

This is going to be harsh, and it might need to be. Get over it. I’m not trying to start a fight. I’m telling you from experience that it isn’t going to matter. Treat yourself to something you’ve wanted with that $2000 instead. There are only a few states where adultery can have a financial impact on the divorce settlement, and since this was provably post-filing, it’s going to cost you a lot more than $2000 to get to that settlement. The lemon isn’t worth the squeeze. Your anger is justified. I…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 12:34 PM
3

I hope it works out as she discussed. Be prepared for things to change if she talks to an attorney. Me ex went from where your STBX is now to “I gotta get what I deserve” overnight.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 04:53 AM
1

As others have said, this was also not my (56M) experience. You learn to recognize the fake profiles pretty quickly. Stay in your age range and know your type. I’ve met a wonderful woman and we’re seeing what we can build together.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 08:14 PM
4

I don’t know if it’s “normal,” but I can tell you I do the exact same thing. Most of our exchanges are on school pick ups, so we don’t interact. When I take the kids by her house to get stuff, I stay outside and she does not come to the door. During the divorce there were a couple of times she tried to draw me into things and I gray rocked her. That probably worked to make the feelings mutual. When we text, I keep it limited to logistics.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 04:25 PM
2

I really wasn’t trying to be a dick about it. I just wasn’t 100% and, for obvious reasons, didn’t want to make an assumption.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 12:11 AM
1

That’s what I assumed, but I wanted to be sure
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 12:03 AM
2

You can't control your behavior?
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 11:54 PM
3

I stopped talking to my ex wife without someone else present because the few times it happened early on she had a very different version of the conversation when we met with attorneys. I decided I needed to have everything in writing. Another thing that helped me stay in control.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 11:40 PM
2

You’ll get there. I’m also a survivor. So many of these situations are the same. There has to be some centralized playbook these women are reading from.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 10:06 PM
3

One other thing the OP has to put his arms around is that she is no longer your problem or your responsibility. Take care of your kids. Build a wall around them as much as you can. She’s threatening self harm. Get it documented. She isn’t working, so use that as leverage. Take care of your kids and get as much custody as you can.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 07:45 PM
3

The court is not going to make you leave the house. Here in Texas there were immediate standing orders once the petition is filed. I imagine Georgia is the same. Those orders will stipulate child custody, residency, estate status, etc. She should not be able to take your kids out of state without your consent during the petition phase. You’ll be able to iron out the parenting plan during the proceedings.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 07:26 PM
2

I own my own business, one I started during our marriage. We had to do a business valuation and that number went into the calculation of the assets. Everything was added up and the total divided in half. I ended up paying her a lump sum. It’s also why I’ll never marry again.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 04:27 PM
3

It happens. I’m almost 2 years post separation, almost a full year since the divorce was final, and I can feel it happening. I still grieve for the life I thought we had, but I understand better that it is gone. You’ll have ups and downs, but the ups will last longer and you’ll learn to recognize the downs for what they are.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 01:10 PM
4

Nights like last night you have to tell yourself you’re going to do whatever it takes to get through the next few hours. Maybe even the next few minutes. Worry about what you control. You don’t control what she says to other people and you don’t control whether they choose to believe her even though what they’re being told isn’t consistent with what they know about you. It’s a part of this process. You can be thankful that those people are showing you who they really are. Keep documenting. She s…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 01:07 PM
2

If you’re not worried about the money, the adjunct professor is perfect for you.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 11:58 PM
1

You’re welcome to go for it, but….. You should know that most teaching roles these days are incredibly low-paying adjunct jobs. To land the tenure track, you need to have some solid research and maybe be bringing in some grant money.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 10:56 PM
7

She has created a story where she can be the hero. Maybe it’s valid because you cheated or something, but it doesn’t sound like it. It sounds more like she went with that epidemic of “I’m not happy” divorces, same as my ex-wife. With my ex, she either makes herself the victim or the hero so she can live with the choices she has made. All of us do that to some extent, but not all of us take it to a delusional level and then feel the need to share it with our children. In her mind, telling the kid…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 12:15 PM
5

This is going to sound patronizing, and it probably is. You’re so young and have so much life in front of you. Take your time so you can get the next one right. Or maybe the one after that. You’ve got so much life left to live. Oh, and probably stop fucking every woman you date. Or don’t. But be careful.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 03:17 AM
2

Just keep being present for your son. He’ll make it through. My kids are what has kept me going. If you can get her to mediate, it will be the least expensive way. As soon as lawyers get involved, they start working on billable hours. My divorce could have been done 9 months sooner than it was. It ended up costing about $40,000 more for my ex to find out she was getting exactly what I said I had originally. The only folks who did well on that were the lawyers.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 06:08 PM
2

You sound like you’re in the exact situation I was in. I didn’t want a divorce even after everything she did and said. I was willing to try to make the marriage work. FWIW, it’ll be better. Those words feel so hollow when you’re going through it. I’ve met a wonderful woman and we’re seeing what we can build together. My kids are doing just as well as they did when we were married. My ex and I only talk about logistics. I’m not interested with engaging with her on anything else.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 05:55 PM
4

Today I got a “cash back” card from a utility company. It’s not a huge amount, but it’s a nice dinner out plus a little. I’d never seen this before. I’m still getting utilities moved into my name, and her name is on the card. I asked her about it. “That’s a cash back refund we got every year.” Now, I’ve been able to cut my electric bill by 1/3 since she left. So that means every year for 13 years, she’s got a nice little $100+ gift card and she just pocketed it for a “treat yo’ self” moment. I l…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 05:18 PM
3

Didn’t go broke. Gave up more than I felt I should, but we did supposedly 50-50. Attorneys were the most sunk costs. Once she was gone, I found out how much money we were just straight wasting. On my one salary I can now put plenty of money away.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 04:50 PM
1

FWIW, I went through the same thing last weekend when a storm blew through here. One of my favorite memories was when we got snowed in a few years back and I took my kids sledding on a hill with makeshift sleds we fashioned out of stuff we had in the house. They had the best time and it was incredible watching them. They were with their mom last weekend. When they were with me, they did tell me about the fun things they did at her place. I was happy they got to make memories, but I’m also dealin…
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/26 09:04 AM
24

When a woman tells me her ex was a narcissist and the relationship was toxic, I know to walk away. She’s done way too much of her “work” doom scrolling social media and now has a narrative that absolves her of responsibility.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/26 08:37 AM
3

I’m definitely getting there. Divorce was final about 9 months ago. I met an amazing woman about 6 months ago. The 50/50 parenting schedule has worked out for me to have a majority of the time with my kids, and when they’re not with me I’ve got work or hobbies to keep me focused on other things. There are still bad days and plenty of question marks, but I can see that things can get better.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 02:31 PM
2

B*tches be crazy?
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 10:23 PM
1

You need to consult some sort of expert to objectively analyze the situation your daughter is in. Here’s my ultimate concern. Your STBXW has shown terrible judgement. When she does start a relationship with someone else, how well does she vet that person’s access to your daughter? But the fact is that the legal system won’t act on what could happen, only on what has happened. I still don’t think you have a case that gets you primary custody. But you do need to consult an expert and keep a carefu…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/26 04:03 PM
1

Okay, that probably crosses a line. Did you get the actual video or screenshots from the conversations? That sort of behavior seems like a slippery slope.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/26 03:46 PM
2

I’ve replied separately. If your children were put in a harmful situation you have to do something. This does sound like it might be as much a way to embarrass your STBXW as much as anything. That definitely isn’t worth the attorney fees and unpredictability blowing things up would cost you.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/26 01:51 PM
3

I had some ammunition in my pocket that I held back in case I ever needed leverage. I didn’t need it. My ex had a months long affair and at one point left my 11 year old in a situation that would have drawn her parenting into question. Ultimately, he was safe and nothing happened at that point. In reality, she doesn’t put my children in danger. It would just have been a way for me to get primary custody and a little bit to get back at her. I wanted full custody, but a therapist let me know that …
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/26 01:49 PM
2

First, it’s going to get better. I was where you are right now about 2 years ago. People told me that then and I couldn’t believe them. I could see how life would ever be good again. So here’s some things that helped me On days when it’s dark, tell yourself you are going to make it through the day, through the morning, through the next hour. Maybe the next 15 minutes. Whatever it takes. Your kids need their dad as much as they can get him. Fight through any darkness for their sakes. Next, find t…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/26 08:39 PM
2

One of our dogs was the actual agenda item for 2 separate meetings because she agreed to one thing then changed her mind. Our divorce actually stipulates that she can request the dog the Friday before the weekends where she has our children. Otherwise he is with me. We had two dogs and two cats. The cats went with her and she didn’t care about the other dog.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/26 07:37 PM
8

This strikes me as one of those things that you just let lie, but you watch the interactions with this new man carefully. If mom is trying to control things because her new boyfriend gets angry about anything, that hits me as a red flag. Soon enough you child is going to make it clear that he prefers to be at your house and not around the new man.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/26 05:38 PM
3

ESH I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but if there was ever an “it’s not me, it’s you” situation, this is it. My man, you’re drinking multiple bottles of wine in a night? Idc how big you are or how well you handle the day after. That’s a problem you openly deny. And you’re smoking pot daily? This isn’t her being on a health kick. This is you being unhealthy. At that height and weight, you’re overweight. Not obese, but not healthy. What is your work out routine? Your body fat percentage? Your w…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/26 11:48 AM
3

And the one who is wanting out is doing it so they can say, “We tried couples therapy.”
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 01:32 PM
1

We met on Hinge
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 01:43 PM
12

I’m 56. Was married 18 years, together 20. 2 kids still at home for a few more years. Divorce was final last April. Took about a year. I met a wonderful woman in July and we’ve being seeing what we can build over the last 6 months. Yes, there is hope.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 02:06 AM
1

Another thing to consider…. If her parents buy you out, she is still going to need to refinance the loan in order to get you off that note so you can buy a home for yourself, if that’s what you choose to do. At the very least, you want your name off that note so that you’re no longer liable for it should she default. You mentioned a loan assumption. I can tell you from first hand experience that those are not as easy or frequent as people are going to lead you to believe. She is either going to …
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 06:43 PM
1

If she doesn’t have the ability to buy you out, it’s unlikely she’s going to be able to assume the loan. Source: I just went through this
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 06:41 PM
14

She’s using her therapy to get what she wants. That’s why it’s working for her and yours isn’t working for you. She’s building a narrative that gets her the outcome she hopes for and still lets her look in the mirror and think what she did was right. None of that is a judgement. It sounds like you guys don’t have any kids or a lot of entanglements. Get out now and move on with your life.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 10:00 PM
3

Props on wanting to wait until your youngest turned 18. Any chance that happens in the next 60-90 days? It will take at least that long for everything to process, if not longer.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 08:03 PM
3

Seriously though, don’t do it
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 02:54 AM
1

If punching him in the mouth is worth not seeing your kids at all, then go for it. But that is exactly what’s going to happen at a minimum. You’re also likely to spend a night in jail and have to deal with those consequences. You don’t have to sit and take it. You can talk shit back. Or sit with enough space that you don’t interact.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 08:20 PM
3

I assume the court had a transcriber recording the proceedings. If so, yes the agreement in the courtroom is just as binding. If not, it’s probably just as binding.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 08:05 PM
8

I (56M) lost about 40 pounds and have maintained a solid workout routine. BMI hovers around 25, body fat down to low 20s, 6 inches off my waist. Cholesterol is in the normal range for the first time in my life. Sex drive is what it was in my 20s. I want to get another 15-20 pounds down, but I feel better in every way.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 02:01 PM
3

Start with the idea that the alcohol isn’t helping. You’re still having dark thoughts and are in pain. Find something that is positive. A hobby is great. Beef up your grill game and share with neighbors. Build things. Learn guitar. Anything that keeps you away from booze. Remind yourself that hating her is like swallowing poison and expecting her to die. She.does.not.care. I can’t say that loud enough. You have to take care of you. Then learn to filter so you don’t make the same mistakes in choo…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 03:41 PM
2

Stop saying bullshit like “feeling chosen.” Leave that TikTok therapy crap to the 20-somethings. You’re an adult. You’re making an adult decision about what is best for you. But get ready, because she is most likely going to make this a tough process. It sounds like you have young children. Be prepared to go to one night a week and 1st and 3rd weekends. Provided she doesn’t decide it’ll be more. Be prepared to pay child support. Slicing it any way you want, but you are risking your children’s st…
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/26 10:34 PM
2

I had the exact same thought. She’s not going to hear any of it after the first line.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/26 10:30 PM
6

How soon can you meet with a lawyer? She’s doing some underhanded stuff and you need to get covered asap.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/26 08:31 PM
7

Do not move out of the house until you talk to a lawyer. And probably don’t move out of the house then.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 08:52 PM
1

I’m not sure there was a final straw. I think she had thought through the possibility several time before she finally acted, and I mean several time before she told me about the affair and probably even before she had her affair. After she told me about her affair, I spent 3 months in limbo as she decided whether or not she wanted to stay married. I was committed to trying to make it work for the sake of my kids. She spent the next month going back and forth between, yes divorcing and no divorci…
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 07:19 PM
3

You deserve so much better. At this point, you’re basically in a FWB relationship with your wife. You can find that in the wild without the emotional whiplash. And you can find so much better.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 03:22 PM
7

Something you should know that I realized a few months into the process. Given what you’ve described, it’s very likely your wife has started thinking about divorce. It’s entirely possible that she’s a good woman committed to her marriage and her family, but it’s equally possible that she’s started envisioning life without being married to you. I only mention this because I think it’s what blindsides most men. Their wives work through that emotional disconnection months ahead of them. To save you…
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 08:26 AM
3

I don’t know your ongoing saga. What’s the best case scenario? You go to court and the judge gives her X days to turn over the disputed items? What are the chances your evidence is iron clad? Compared to the $10-14k, how much will this cost you? And it’s not like you’re going to sell the firearms. So you’re still out the attorney fees. What’s the worst case scenario? You go to court and they find in her favor? What are the objective chances of this happening? Now you’ve gained nothing and still …
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 12:59 AM
16

My MIL and FIL told me how much they loved me and how they would always think of me as their son. 6 months later my FIL was telling me how disappointed he was in me over something incredibly trivial. I haven’t spoken to my MIL since I told my ex it was time for her to leave. She’s their daughter. Expect things to change.
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/26 05:53 PM
2

Breaking it the first time will be hard. Once you establish a routine, it’s much easier to maintain everything
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/26 05:26 PM
7

You know what to fix. You need to fix it. Get a work out routine. Block it out on your calendar. When you don’t want to work out, tell yourself whatever you have to to make yourself do it. (Personally, I tell myself to quit being a bitch and get it done.) Eat right. Fresh fruit and vegetables. Home cooked meals you make yourself. Fuel yourself with clean food. Find a positive hobby. Learn to play an instrument or get better at one you know. Have something on the side that makes you feel good abo…
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/26 05:20 PM
5

You’re welcome. More important—you matter
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/26 02:48 AM
10

It sounds hollow when you hear it, but it gets better. Your kids need you. The damage that losing a parent to self deletion can never be undone. For their sake, hold on. Tell yourself you’re going to sit still for 15 minutes to let it pass. Someone else said to tell yourself you’re going to make it through today. Sometimes it will be until lunch. Maybe just the next hour. The darkness will pass. I’m 9 months out from the divorce being final, 18 months out from kicking her out, a little over 2 ye…
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/26 02:24 AM
5

“I appreciate this is going to be really hard for her.” Fuck her. This is her choice. She’s making grown up choices, she deals with grown up problems. I can appreciate how it will be hard for your stepson and hope you’re able to maintain that relationship for his sake. But fuck her. Your friends are right. She has moved on. You have to, too. My wife of 17 years did this same thing, in almost the same way, a couple of years ago. Restart hobbies. Exercise like crazy. Get fit and get on the apps an…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/26 07:24 PM
1

Okay, that makes sense. What if you positioned it as helping? “While you’re still arranging transportation, would it help if the kids were with me an additional night each week?”
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/26 04:24 PM
1

How is that related to having the kids an extra night?
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/26 04:03 PM
1

Who has the car and who doesn’t? Why would it create the reason for an extra night?
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/26 03:37 PM
0

Your entire screed reads like so much cope to me. So many buzzwords. “Aliveness,” “mutuality.” We just don’t see the choices in the same way, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I definitely have my own levels of cope.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 11:51 PM
2

It’s an interesting agreement. I think it makes sense overall. It seems like you’ll have slightly more time with the kids and that’s being balanced out by an extra Saturday in odd-numbered months. I’m curious about the 8:00 pm exchange. My kids are typically getting ready for bed about that time. My kids’ mom and I have a 2-2-5-5 agreement during the school year which works out to be more of a 3-2-5-4 sort thing because they’re always with me Sunday nights. We agreed to that on our own. The nice…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 08:03 PM
7

I keep all of my conversations with my kids’ mom relative to logistics about the children or anything relevant to things related to our divorce decree. Nothing else with her is of substance. She has tried a time or two to normalize our conversations to something like they were before, but at this point I’m not interested. Moreover, I can tell that she only wants to have those conversations on her terms. I’m not interested in indulging that behavior any more.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 06:14 PM
1

I’m at the point that if I go a day or two without working out it affects my mood overall.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 06:10 PM
3

It’s what keeps me holding on when there are dark days. Thankfully, there are fewer and fewer of those.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 04:56 PM
12

I remind myself of what that would do to my kids. I read somewhere that children of parents who ended things are left with a gaping hole wondering why they weren’t good enough for the parent to hold on. I won’t take the chance that could happen to them.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 04:43 PM
0

It’s a fundamental collision of world views. I see terms like “avoidant” and recognize them as just the latest psychobabble TikTok fashion to go around. It’s selling lots of books, so people are buying it. It’s the same reason every woman has to “escape a toxic relationship with a narcissist.” We need justifications for what we do so we can like the person we look at in the mirror. You have your justifications. I have mine. I believe people choose their reactions. You can choose to find joy in y…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 04:25 PM
1

There are going to be dark times. 18 months out and I still hate it when my kids aren’t with me and count down the days until they’re back. People would tell me that it gets better and I would dismiss it as “what else are they going to say.” It does get better. Get through the divorce. Get your routine down. Get your kids settled. Then start dating. You’ll find someone wonderful.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 04:19 PM
0

I get it. We are adults and can make our decisions. But dressing up what is a selfish decision as something noble “for the children” is baloney. What I am seeing so far for my own children is that as long as they know their parents love them, they’re good. They give literally zero fucks about their parents’ intimacy. We have to tell ourselves stories that make us believe our decisions are the right thing. “For the kids” here is one of those stories. Will your kids be okay? With enough work, sure…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 02:01 PM
0

Except he’s not in a toxic relationship. He just isn’t getting any.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 01:35 PM
1

I’m going to be blunt. That is so much bullshit. You’re blowing up your kids’ lives because your wife isn’t intimate with you? All that other stuff like “living a life fulfilled” and your kids thinking a life without intimacy was a script they’d follow. HTF would your kids know whether or not you and your wife were intimate. You said yourself that you both love each other. You just aren’t getting physical affection. We as men have got to stop buying into the bullshit that society is putting out …
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 01:34 PM
1

It’s something I take 60-90 minutes before bed if I can. A lot of days I take it right before bed, but I can feel when it kicks in about 30 minutes later. I like it because I don’t have the after effects when I wake up. I read somewhere else in the thread that you’re also having trouble working out. Exercise was my outlet when we were going through things. I would go for 1-2 hour walks to get away from her. I still find it’s essential and have cardio and weight training blocked on my calendar so…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 01:26 PM
1

I was trying melatonin and hated it. I don’t ever like taking a supplement that my body is supposed to create on its own. It always feels like that will train my body to produce less. I take magnesium glycinate these days and it helps me fall asleep so much better. Still get the 4:00 am wake ups, and at 56 I have to pee a couple of times, but it definitely helps.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 01:14 PM
4

I would say what you’re dealing with is completely normal. I wish I had good news. I’m at over 2 years since she told me she had been having an affair and didn’t love me any more. The first three months were definitely the worst with multiple sleepless nights. These days I probably average a little less that 7 hours a night, so it gets better. Some days I’ll get to sleep in, but most days it’s about 6 hours, and it’s broken up. I’m not a huge fan of long term therapy, but it did help me early on…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 01:10 PM
3

You need to consult a lawyer ASAP. I’m in Texas. A friend of mine in Massachusetts went through a divorce, and I was constantly surprised by what he was having to do. If you make 2x her income, you’re probably looking at some sort of spousal support. If you can’t come to a 50/50 custody agreement, the courts will likely give her primary custody, which will also mean child support. My kids’ mom and I did a collaborative divorce that allowed us to determine the custody schedule. You need something…
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 04:01 PM
6

I lost so much weight during the 3 months that we were trying to work things out that my ring literally didn’t fit any more and would fall off on its own. In hindsight, it seems like quite a metaphor. I took mine off for good after she officially filed.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 03:56 PM
2

Sorry, I should have said 3-2-4-5. It isn’t the official plan. I have my kids Sunday through Tuesday nights every week during the school year. They’re with their mom Wednesday and Thursday nights. So 1st and 3rd weekends is Friday through Tuesday nights.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 11:10 AM
1

Sorry, I should have said 3-2-4-5. It isn’t the official plan. I have my kids Sunday through Tuesday nights every week during the school year. They’re with their mom Wednesday and Thursday nights. So 1st and 3rd weekends is Friday through Tuesday nights.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 11:09 AM
2

We’re on a 2-2-5-5 schedule that actually runs more like a 3-2-4-6 because of their mom’s work schedule. It’s worked out to where I get about 2/3 of the time with them. I still hate nights when they’re not in the house, but in the beginning we asked them if they would prefer that or a week-by-week schedule and they didn’t want to go a full week not seeing one of us. We do alternate weeks in the summers with a hand off on Sundays. A couple of other provisions added in to keep balance. I definitel…
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 03:09 AM
2

I should have included her age. She 50 and nearing the end of menopause. Libido is definitely not an issue for her. One of the tough things is that this has been some of the best sex of my life both in what she does and how long I can last.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 02:53 PM
2

She definitely changed what I told her to fit what she wants. Somehow “I don’t see myself getting married again. Maybe I could do a ceremony, but I’d have to look into that.” Became, “he’d be okay with a ceremony.”
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 01:14 PM
2

To be clear, she hasn’t pushed for marriage. She has asked about my plans and I was honest. We have also talked about what the future looks like. She has some major life milestones to get through over the next year before we realistically talk about blending households and what that looks like. Plenty of time to show her true colors, although also still plenty of room to keep them masked.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 12:56 PM
2

That’s what I’m thinking. It’s so hard because she is a wonderful person. But she needs someone aligned with what she wants the same way I do. In fact, she deserves it. I do know that she’s okay with a pre-nup, but that doesn’t solve the underlying problem. This is going to suck.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 12:47 PM
3

So the problem there is where I live the Common Law Marriage rules will apply regardless. Once she’s presented to friends and family as my wife, she is my wife.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 12:45 PM
7

We never shared any information about who wanted to divorce and who wanted to work things out. I’ve mentioned in other posts in this sub that I am not going to do anything to harm my children’s relationship with their mom. She’ll do that just fine on her own. Our language was that we had grown apart and were getting divorced. She did later ask that we file mutually, which I refused. If my children do decide they want to see who chose what, they can see that I was steadfast in my vows.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 09:50 AM
1

Does the AP’s ex know about your ex’s affair with her ex? If she does, this could be one of a couple of things. Most likely it’s because they don’t want an awkward explanation for your daughter when she finds out that all of her friends were invited to this friend’s party and she wasn’t. There is some chance that the friend’s mom is either trying to offer an olive branch of normalcy. There is an even more remote, but still real, chance that she is a psychotic c*nt trying to hurt your ex through …
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 06:42 AM
2

I can see a lot of complications with that, and it’s something an attorney would have to answer.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 03:47 AM
10

I just dealt with this. The business was the single biggest sticking point and delayed things for about 8 months. We had to do a valuation and that counted as a part of the estate. I ended up buying her out. Sucks, but that was the reality.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 11:23 PM
3

The affair was 10 or so years ago? As good as it might feel in the short term, I don’t see how this works out well in the long term. Your kids are in their 20s. They probably know who their mom is. If she’s treated you like this, she has also probably treated them conditionally. Revealing something that happened a decade ago doesn’t accomplish anything. Same for her affair partner. How does causing him the pain of a divorce help you? And that is assuming that his partner doesn’t know or will bel…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 07:10 AM
5

Take up guitar and woodworking. You can get a good used guitar for very little and learning an instrument is so good for your brain. For woodworking, you can also find used tools on Facebook marketplace. You don’t need much. You could get started with a circular saw. If you’re wanting to fill time, the fewer power tools the better. For both, you’ll find tons of “how to” videos on YouTube.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 06:52 AM
3

Thanks for this. You captured what I struggle with. It sounds like many of us do.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 10:18 PM
6

Stop giving her money for support. Document how much time you have the kids. Don’t give her a nickel beyond what is court ordered.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 10:10 PM
1

How old is he? From what I’ve read, some of what he’s dealing with could be the result of low testosterone. It could be that simple. I have some friends who swear that after a couple of treatments everything turned around for them. He does need to get to the root cause of his depression and address that. It could be through therapy or it could be through hormone treatments or both. Or something else. Acupuncture. Voodoo. Shamanic rituals. Until he addresses that, it’s going to be tough to expect…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 07:03 PM
1

My reply was a lot harsher. I’m curious. Why do you think he needs to tell his spouse and her spouse if they could end the affair assuming there are no diseases to be transmitted and no paternity to be tested.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 06:45 PM
2

Stop the affair. Stop making excuses. What you’re doing is wrong. It’s wrong for your family and it’s wrong for her family. Quit trying to justify it. Now I’ll break down your bullshit step by step. “⁠I’m emotionally attached and genuinely in love with her” At some point you were also this way with your wife. Regardless of the story you’re telling yourself now. You made a commitment to your current wife. You’ve violated that commitment. “⁠Our physical connection is very intense, which makes it h…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 06:43 PM
2

The most important thing is you recognize it so you can avoid doing it again.
/r/TheRedPill08/10/25 03:33 PM
1

Something dawned on me. Do you think you were pedestalizing her a little which led to the mistake?
/r/TheRedPill08/10/25 02:25 PM
3

NGL, you f*cked up when you lost frame. It’s ironic. You really wanted to build something with her and you did the thing that you knew would most likely make that impossible. It doesn’t sound like you did it intentionally, though. Like you’re falling into a pattern of self-sabotage. You recognize what you did and presumably will work to not do that next time. It’s something we all do. I do think her not texting you after a male friend drove her home is a good sign that it wasn’t going to work ou…
/r/TheRedPill08/10/25 08:27 AM
2

There isn’t a way to salvage things, and even if you could restart the relationship, you’ve lost frame to the degree that you can’t regain it. Fortunately, you know this. You know what you did wrong. You also know what she did wrong (male friend driving her home and no acknowledgment - sounds like a shit test). There will be other women who meet what you’re looking for. The key will be not to send that “I thought we agree” text or any vn’s. If you can maintain frame through that, you’ll have gai…
/r/TheRedPill08/10/25 08:01 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2026. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter