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1

realnullvibes/r/Divorce_Men05/06/25 12:41 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
2

From yesterday's Proverb (13): 3 "He who watches over his mouth guards his being, but he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin." I wish I had started reading the Proverbs earlier in life. The wisdom is pure gold. Even if you're not religious, I'd highly recommend reading just one for each day. (There's 31.) You may be surprised at how well it reads your mail.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/25 11:39 AM
2

Video is to show the police, not the court. If recording video in your own home was illegal, everyone would be in jail the day after a major holiday, and America's Funniest Home Videos would be used in court.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/25 11:17 PM
1

This. ☝️
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/25 11:13 PM
–

My opinion; get at least one camera recording you in the room you're living in, and consider some audio recorders to have on-hand for interactions (check the laws in your state.) This is NOT for court; it's to show police in the event they're called for a DV report. Record your innocence now, or risk going to jail on false charges.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/25 11:08 PM
2

🏆
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 12:54 PM
1

Sounds like it's all up to Nathan now. Someone should warn him.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 12:21 AM
3

This documentation advice (point #2) ranks 13/10 🏆; best possible course of action and is routinely used by police officers during questioning. Get the suspect to write (admit) the events in their own words. This is a slam-dunk in any court system, and can protect you should she go crazy in some other manner.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/25 12:19 AM
1

Phew... That camping thing is equal parts weird and crazy. What a mess.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/25 11:49 AM
1

This feedback is 100% gold. Read and heed, gentlemen.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 10:34 AM
1

Chin up... You're not the first, and many others are going through a similar experience right alongside you. Sounds like hell, but the situation may be better than you think. (Things are always worse in our own minds.) Find a good lawyer. Pay the consulting fee, and interview a couple. Ask specifically about experience with BPD on opposing side, and how to handle this situation. Be smart on how to pay for this consultation. A credit card charge to the firm would be the wrong way (visible), unles…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 11:27 AM
1

1... 100%.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 03:01 PM
1

100%. Without a doubt.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 12:11 PM
1

Yikes.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 12:08 PM
1

Consider anything recorded outside the public domain to be inadmissible in family court, however, record anyway to protect yourself if a false DV+ claim is made. When police arrive to the scene, that scene will not be the court, so you can show them evidence of your innocence. Have multiple copies or store in the cloud to prevent a "oops, we accidentally lost/destroyed the only copy of your innocence" situation.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 12:05 PM
1

I'm thinking the answer is a big 'it depends' based on jurisdiction, circumstances, and how hungry your lawyer is to get this addressed. I'm not a lawyer, but it seems like imputing minimum wage to the unemployed/underemployed spouse is a Day 1 effort, in order to properly calculate child/spousal support.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 05:01 PM
1

Not sure if I'm following your question, however, my point is that one should never assume what the judge will/will-not, can/cannot order (especially if you piss them off.) The court can get away with a great deal, until counsel successfully argues otherwise. It sounds like your next move is your lawyer teeing up a court date to discuss your current financial hardship. My heart goes out to you in the meantime. It sounds like a genuine struggle. Best of luck.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 04:44 PM
3

The split of your TSP may help with those fees. Or, use TSP as a lump-sum offer to take something else off the table. Sure, she'll just bank it all, but who cares. Let's keep you out of crippling debt. Also, there needs to be a motion to compel her employment to at least minimum wage. This can change the financial statement you'll be required to file, and ease some of that burden. I'm in nearly the same situation. 'Problems don't get better with age.' Your situation is likely to continue eroding…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 11:51 AM
3

🏆
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 11:43 AM
2

+1000
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 11:40 AM
1

Did the court compel her to work at least minimum wage? That alone could shift payment responsibilities. Talk to your lawyer about it.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 11:37 AM
1

No lawyer on Earth would recommend this as a legal strategy. You would forfeit everything and likely still be compelled to pay everyone, after serving your jail sentence. A court can compel you to do whatever the judge wants. Period. If the court operates outside legal/ethical boundaries in doing so, that is another legal process.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 11:33 AM
1

It's time to realize the ugly truth, and stop trying to convince an irrational person to be rational. You are wasting time & energy better applied elsewhere. They WANT to live in their emotions, and will NOT be convinced otherwise. Period.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/25 12:39 PM
2

🏆 Truth.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/25 02:52 PM
12

100%. Sounds like OP may have a big heart and it'll be exploited to the fullest.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/25 11:40 AM
3

THIS. Don't get emotional about her demands. She can request anything she wants, but neither she, nor her lawyer, make the final decisions. Lawyers aren't judges, they are counselors. The low-ball offer is just an offer. Unless you accept it, you're still negotiating. Keep your head up.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/25 11:27 AM
2

Do not fight this pro se, brother. Do whatever you need to do to secure a lawyer. Yes, a judge can compel the non-working spouse to work, however, you really want a good attorney to lay out the aggravating factors to a judge for this decision. There are likely many considerations you're not even aware of. Hire a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/25 03:10 PM
10

Yeah... OP isn't getting his wife back, which is probably in her best interest. There's a great deal of self-work required before this guy will be long-term partner material. Just my 2 cents.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/25 01:07 PM
2

Please, talk to an attorney before outing information like this publicly. Depending on the circumstances (the resulting damages), you may open yourself up to a civil lawsuit for libel/slander, and that can cost you much more than the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 06:37 PM
1

An agreement can be drafted for any number of terms. The question is, what terms become signed agreements...
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 06:24 PM
6

There seems to be a great deal of misunderstanding about court proceedings, (for me included.) Think of it as a serious play; there are serious defined procedures juxtaposed by the silly friction/drama of the story. The lies, emotion, etc. are all the storyline. When a person flips out over perceived slander, they only add to the drama (and reinforce the negative characterization.) Try to learn about civil procedure. They get their turn, and you'll have yours. Every man here should be writing no…
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/25 11:35 AM
3

Don't do this pro se, OP. While you may enjoy some leniency from the judge, the odds that you make a significant mistake and sink your case are very high. You simply don't know what you don't know. Divorce law is an entire career path, not something you should just wing, or will learn overnight via YT. Take a gander at the lawyer subs for insight on pro se litigants. Find another attorney, and discuss their payment options. (There are ALWAYS payment options.). Good luck, OP.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 11:11 AM
6

Proverbs hammers on this topic, too. The first time I read that "a contentious woman is like a constant drip of water" I knew that there was real wisdom that I had missed. Lol.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 02:35 AM
1

You certainly know her better than anyone on the Internet, so we'll defer to you for final consideration. In my case, we also talked about being a SAHM for the first few years, until the kids were in the school routine. Those years came and went. I asked about going back to work, and it was all smiles/nods, then delays, then more+ delays, and excuses ad nauseam, until the day came where she told me to "...just get over it." ...All while happily spending every dime I made, and restricting any eff…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 11:36 PM
7

So here's what happened... She made the decision to divorce a long time ago, and began making you a party to her plans at the first mention of 'taking some time off work'. What she was really doing was reducing her income to demonstrate a greater disparity, for a higher alimony award. Sadly, this is a classic move, however, time is a factor. My recommendation is for you to interview lawyers ASAP. It may be difficult, but pay the consult fee; it's worth it. You'll want to discuss how this played …
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 11:01 AM
2

Yeah, it would appear that the rules of evidentiary and civil procedure are different based on gender, in many jurisdictions. That's why I refer to 'Family Court' as "Women's Court". If you get a reasonable outcome as a man, consider it the Griswold Bonus. (It could be the Jelly-of-the-Month club next year... Lol.)
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 03:45 PM
8

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, OP, but good news; you're not alone. Many men, myself included, have been there. Welcome. You didn't mention kids, which makes things much simpler. Sounds like counseling was a bust (which is no surprise.) If there's no reconciliation, you need to ask yourself how many more years you want to live like this. Start documenting everything, keep your day-to-day receipts, and consider audio/video recording (based on the laws in your state) your interactions. Re…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 10:48 AM
2

Good on you for taking ownership of your conduct. Agreed; we can't take back our poor actions, but we can learn from them. On that note, please understand the distinction between what really happens, and what she 'says' happened to anyone that may give her the attention she seeks. What you think happened doesn't matter. Period. On the extreme side: All it takes is for her to make an allegation, and you'll find yourself in police custody without charges (as a precaution) while an automatic TRO ge…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 10:53 PM
3

IMO, "...makes me uncomfortable" in a failing marriage is the warning sign towards "...I don't feel safe" and just down the road from Accusations & TROs. Pay the consultation-fee and talk to a lawyer. Listen for any statements she makes to others, especially if she makes inferences regarding your children. These are indicators to begin recording interactions, not for family court (inadmissible in some states), but for law enforcement review BEFORE being taken into custody. If you think this post…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 07:47 PM
2

Geez... My heart goes out to you, brother.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 04:44 PM
5

Very common.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 11:47 AM
4

100%. Martyr Syndrome / Victim Olympics. Be prepared for false claims/charges, OP. Document and/or record as much as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 11:46 AM
6

Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Pay the consulting fee; it's worth it. Some states legally recognize in-home separation. Depending on your circumstances, that may push the separation date back to the date she first moved out, and protect any assets accrued after that date. 50/50 child-custody is the norm, barring extenuating circumstances (ex. violence.) The house is just a house. Split it and be done. You and the kids CAN absolutely bounce back from this. If you have a financial counselor friend, speak …
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 11:37 AM
1

Don't expect her to show up to mediation, unless compelled by the Court. If she does, it's a bonus (expense.)
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 11:47 PM
1

"Every martyr loves a good sword." -Thomas Jefferson, probably
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 11:45 PM
2

I've always heard it said "You never really know your wife until divorce."...
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 11:42 PM
3

Yikes. Not a lawyer, but it sounds like nothing is likely to move without the PL hearing. All the back & forth with your lawyer is just going to drain finances. I'm not sure what would be stopping you from filing at this point, as it sounds like you've been living in a nightmare. I wish the best for you and the kids, OP.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 06:14 PM
3

Not to be the Debbie Downer here, but this sounds like a self-correcting problem. Sounds like she may not have a lot of time left; may want to consult a few doctors before lawyers.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 12:21 PM
10

Please, stop the drinking, brother. I've been down that same pit. Alcohol will 100% make your situation worse.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 11:42 AM
9

I think you made a good point about the distinction between how the divorce process was initiated. For those who've been increasingly treated like human garbage for years in our own marriages, we've had time to process all the raw and complex emotions prior to filing ourselves. For those that were blindsided, my heart goes out to you. Your process started later, and will probably take a few years. I can't say it enough; stay away from drugs and alcohol, especially during this time. As hard as it…
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 11:39 AM
3

This. Same story here. Here's some quotes that have resonated with me while trying to survive. I'm sure it'll be down-voted into oblivion, but Proverbs really tried to warn us. Wish I read it a decade earlier... "Luxuries, once tasted, [quickly] become necessities." Alex Berenson "A capable wife is the crown of her husband, but one causing shame is like rottenness in his bones." Proverbs 12:4 "...And the contentions of a wife are a continual dripping." Proverbs 19:13 "It is better to dwell in a …
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 01:14 PM
2

Separated, and still working through the process. Every man has his limits, and it's different for each. I learned the hard way that there are women that want to be mothers, but not wives. They want to lock-down benefactors to control, and fund the construction of whatever picture of life they imagine. As long as the cash keeps flowing, you can stay her puppet or die for all she cares. Search "female covert narcissism". It's real, and IMO an epidemic in the U.S.. Her behavior eroded to toxic lev…
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 07:43 PM
6

It's a classic okie-doke, that also bit me. Working spouse turns SAHM, lies about going back to work, and now you're stuck in a broken marriage with kids, and have to continue funding everyone's entire lives, while you yourself get alienated. Let there be no confusion; these women know exactly what they're doing.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 11:27 AM
6

Dude, it sounds like you're doing all the right things in a difficult situation. That's where Resilience is born and refined. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. She's going to jerk your chain, to gain a sense of power over you; give her no response. Don't feed the beast. This, too, shall pass.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 01:59 AM
3

Think about the situation from the Enemy's perspective... If you're doing all the right things, being communicative, showing up, putting in the work, that effort is very likely visible. So where's the best place to kick you in the nuts? Right where you're feeling good about your efforts. Her response about an issue, isn't at all about the issue. Keep showing up, and putting-out. You're doing great.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 01:05 AM
2

Yikes.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 06:27 PM
7

Op, this is 100% my life, too. You're not alone. However, you know as well as I do, that nothing will change unless YOU take action. (Why would she change anything, when we work, pay all the bills, plan for future financial stability, and still cover-down on the myriad of unexpected issues that arrive?) Once these women get settled in the situation they want, nothing will change. Your health, welfare, blood, sweat, and tears are not a factor. Good Luck.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 04:33 PM
9

Her "loss" of sense of smell after COVID, and how she can only smell "bad" things (ie. highly subjective.) Constant passive-aggressive complaints about how every product I use, (from soaps, unscented shaving cream, to nothing at all) was a bother so terrible that it made it difficult for her to breathe. She closes every door behind me and opens windows in exaggerated fashion. (Context: I'm a veteran with multiple TBIs and lost the majority of my smell/taste during 20 years of service, and the to…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 12:15 PM
1

100%. If there are no police reports, then prepare to have all of her incidents excused-away.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/25 07:51 PM
1

My STBX is doing something similar. She's even on the part-time payroll now as a substitute teacher (and calls herself a teacher) for P.E. and in the library, despite not having a degree nor teaching certificate by the state. It's all to build her case that she's somehow a "better" parent, because she dominates their time/attention. Helps to "excuse" herself from employment during the Summer months, too. It's a level of co-dependency, and serves as more manipulation, but will be tackled in due t…
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/25 07:41 PM
1

...and just for the sake of thoroughness, when (not if) she cracks because you're not feeding her narcissism, she's going to up the ante somehow. She's going to say/do something over-the-top to provoke a (over)reaction. Maybe she'll even record the moment to use it against you in court. Be ready for this tactic. Stay silent, stay cool. Gray f-ing rock. 🪨
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/25 07:20 PM
2

Women like this will take everything you're willing to give, until you f-ing die. Period. Learn the lesson and get out now.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/25 05:50 PM
3

Give the wife some time/space to process everything. She'll probably come around and be okay. Our primary mission as Fathers is to provide for, and protect, the family. It's not "happy wife, happy life". Support your daughter. Period. Pregnancy can be crazy and there's no telling what's in-store. You are now The Rock. Get the new father inline with your expectations. He should have already had a home ready prior to the pregnancy. (Generational thinking.) Helping him, helps your daughter, and gra…
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/25 03:00 PM
14

Just my 2 cents... Unless you are a deeply religious couple, both *truly* want to reconcile, and are willing to put in a TON of work, your marriage is over. I'd highly recommend seeking both a lawyer and therapist to begin working through all this; it's probably going to get rough. I'm willing to bet staying in that sexless (loveless?) marriage is going to be far more miserable for everyone involved than working through a divorce though.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/25 12:50 PM
9

I've been there, too. Best advice: Pay the consultation fee and talk to a lawyer ASAP, just to get advice on the situation and help you understand what "separation" is legally in your state. As an example, some states recognize in-home separation, but there may be certain steps required to solidify the status in the eyes of the court. This could shield you from certain (bad) decisions as a result of advice from other suburban wine-moms. In my case, she ran up $30k in credit-card debt in an attem…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/25 04:57 PM
1

>four years on that crazy bitch still never misses an opportunity to insult, degrade, and guilt me. Man, I feel that one... Same here. NEVER misses an opportunity. Her ability to twist any situation/topic into a way of passive-aggressively tear me down in front of kids is uncanny. Each of us is coming to this topic from different experiences/partners, some more toxic/crazy than others. I'm happy that some dudes can have adult conversations with their ex's, or even a friendly scenario, but sadly …
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/25 03:03 PM
9

It sounds like you need someone to tell you this: STOP! Pour out the booze, flush the pills down the toilet, and stop with the escorts! *YOU HAVEN'T HIT ROCK BOTTOM YET!* You did just open the door to pissing your life away though. Please, get into an AA/NA meeting TODAY, even if it's just a one-on-one. Then, pay the consult fee and talk to a lawyer ASAP. You need grown-up intervention, NOW.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/25 01:31 PM
1

Talk to your lawyer, get advice, and have them proofread before sending. You are pending litigation!
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 03:08 PM
3

Anything you agree to now sets a precedent for the judge to simply maintain. Don't put yourself in a costly position to have to claw back your own choices.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/25 01:43 PM
10

"...[she] doesn't want to change anything." That's your answer. Once some of these women get the situation they want, (you work, you pay the bills, while they "SAHM"), they'll say/do anything to maintain the status quo. They enjoy the leverage you've freely handed over to them.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/25 01:20 PM
1

Call her bluff. ...Or carry on doing what you’re doing and watch how nothing changes. More men need to hear this. 100% accurate.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/25 12:14 PM
6

This... 100%. 🏆
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/25 02:12 PM
1

I was in nearly the exact same situation, OP. Sadly, you're up against a mountain of opposing "guidance" in today's feminist culture. Without a doubt, try to save the marriage. Offer counseling. Work earnestly on the relationship. Carefully convey the importance of respect to men. Do NOT leave the bedroom! If it works, great. If it doesn't work, don't let the resentment lead you to making stupid mistakes. Once respect is lost, however, it's gone, and the situation will erode as far and nasty as …
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 10:20 PM
1

She's likely not thinking that far ahead. I fully expect my wife to have to sell the house, or she'll do something stupid and burns it all down. "Emotions don't prevent house fires, dummy." -Smokey the Divorced Bear
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 08:11 PM
2

Same boat here. The financial situation is still scary, but I can't imagine the hell that regular dudes are going through. The flip-side being that their alimony will likely end at some point, while I expect to pay until I'm dead. She didn't even have the time-in to warrant a lifetime benefit, but here we are.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 08:05 PM
7

We need to do a better job of educating young men about predatory women. While I thought it was the toll of pregnancy that altered my wife, I now understand that there were several red-flags that I missed while we were dating, including her family environment growing up, her goals in life, and the biggie: her actions Vs words. Raised by grandparents, in a matriarchal structure, multi-child environment, she was the youngest (spoiled) Idolizes SAH grandmother (matriarch) Grandmother had children b…
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 05:06 PM
1

🏆
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 04:25 PM
5

My ex flipped one of my oldest, and best friends to be a source (of information) for her. Admittedly, I was making mistakes and doing things I shouldn't have been, but this move cut me to my very core. It's been several years and I haven't spoken to him since I connected the dots, despite him reaching out every now and then to re-connect. I'm only now seeing grace as an option. For the other guys here, consider some grace for those friends that were sucked into an awkward (at-best) situation, an…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/25 08:14 PM
3

This divorce thing is a marathon, not a sprint. This is a relative “win” for her that really doesn’t cost you anything to keep some semblance of good will This is the correct answer... 🏆
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/25 06:52 PM
2

Ask this question “What can I do to protect myself at this point”. This question is extremely important. THIS!
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/25 04:49 PM
1

At a minimum, get a free consultation with a lawyer! You can likely still file while you're waiting the 1 year. The point of filing is to freeze the state of assets/liabilities/etc., to prevent either one of you from doing anything crazy/stupid in an attack against the other party. My ex *immediately* ran up $30k of cc debt after "the talk", and I'm on the hook for half because I didn't file beforehand. There are so many pitfalls...
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/25 04:47 PM
1

Don't say a word until you and your lawyer have a solid plan. You will regret it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/25 04:41 PM
1

Due Diligence, OP! Do some free consultations with a few different lawyers before saying ANYTHING. Once you say you want a divorce, there's no going back! You both will be forever changed. You will see the REAL person your wife is, for better (not likely) or worse (highly probable). There is a laundry list of things to consider before uttering a word, and many-many pitfalls. *I did everything WRONG, and made my situation 100x worse!* DO NOT expect to deal with a rational adult. Outcomes will dep…
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/25 04:38 PM
2

And then she turned you — and you let her — into a simp … in a decades-long, subconscious campaign of testing your backbone…. whining and cold-shouldering to get what she thought she wanted, but never really did. Over and over, probably over 500 times… you traded away short term conflict, with its respect, hobbies, personal time, good sex, and an intact family … all for short term peace —along with its lackluster infrequent sex, disrespect, and eventually a broken family. THIS. A years-long camp…
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/25 02:38 PM
5

Try to assess who your wife *really* is before having that conversation. At a minimum, have a free consult with a lawyer first. After the words are said, they can't be taken back, and you should prepare yourself. You *will* see a completely different person; manipulation that you could not have imagined, and a rage that cannot/will-not be quenched. Prepare for EVERYTHING to be used as a weapon against you; money, kids, religion, medical issues, vehicles, house, friends, family, ev-er-y-thing. Sh…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/25 01:52 PM
1

...and she doesn't have to show up to mediation, unless compelled by the court. My stbx was a no-show.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/25 10:12 PM
1

I'll bet there's a pattern, too. I'm sure she's real nice/flirty/manipulative the day after...
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/25 10:05 PM
1

100%. OP, you're being manipulated. Period. Post above is spot on; when you show that her tactics no longer work, BUCKLE UP. The mask will slip, and you're going to see the true ugly underneath. This is also the season for STBX's to play games with taxes. Watch yourselves! (Ask me how I know... 🙄)
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/25 10:02 PM
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