Letâs say Iâm guilty of something really societally inappropriate, like Iâm an axe murderer.
One nice sunny day, youâre having coffee with me at a local coffee shop. During the conversation, you ask me, âSo, are you an axe murderer?â
Obviously, I donât want you to know Iâm an axe murderer. Thatâs not going to fly very well. If I say âyesâ to that question while glaring at you evilly, youâll scream and run out of there (assuming you believe me). I certainly donât want that, so answering with a flat âyesâ is probably not going to work.
Instead, I could and answer âno.â Thatâs the easiest option. If I did that, I would be lying. Lying means knowingly stating something you know is untrue. If Iâm an axe murderer and I answer ânoâ to that question, Iâm a liar.
Letâs change the scenario a little bit and say that Iâm a weird axe murderer with a moral code which states that I can never lie. I still donât want to flat out tell you Iâm an axe murderer; that would be too much for you to handle. I can simply refuse to answer the question. I could say something like âIâm not answering that question.â
Am I lying?
No.
Iâm refusing to answer the question. Refusing to answer questions is not lying. Itâs not even close to lying.
The argument against this is that Iâm not lying, but, I am being deceptive. Letâs address that.
Letâs say that when you ask me if Iâm an axe murderer, I donât answer the question, but instead put on an false act thatâs worthy of an Oscar. I react with innocent shock, saying something like, âWhat? Are you kidding? Why would you ever ask me something like that? I just…I just canât believe this! Iâm not even going to talk about this! This is crazy!â
Am I lying? No, Iâm still not lying. Yet one could make the argument Iâm being deceptive, and I would agree.
Now letâs say that Iâm an honest axe murderer, and not only do I not want to lie to you, but I donât want to deceive you in any way whatsoever. I actually do want to convey to you, somehow, that I actually murder people with axes.
The problem is that I need to break the news to you slowly and carefully, so you donât completely freak out, scream, and run away. I donât want to bluntly say it, but I also donât want to hide it, nor do I want to pretend Iâm not what I really am. If I just say, âYep, Iâm a fucking axe murderer,â thatâs going to be too much for you to handle, and I like you as a friend and donât want to cause you distress. So I need to come up with a way for you to assimilate this information more easily.
In that case, you ask me if Iâm an axe murderer, and I donât actually say anything. Instead, I just smile, lean back, relax, and very slowly, casually, like itâs no big deal, pull out a bloody axe and start picking at it. As Iâm doing it, I shrug. Then I casually, in a calm, friendly tone of voice, say something like, âEh. I donât really want to talk about it.â Then I give you a warm, friendly smile, wink, and slowly put the axe away again.
Am I lying?
No.
Am I being deceptive?
No. Youâd have a very tough time making that argument. Iâm clearly conveying Iâm an axe murderer to anyone with an IQ over 80. Just because Iâm not saying the words âI am an axe murdererâ doesnât mean Iâm not saying it.
Am I avoiding answering the question?
Yes.
Have I conveyed that itâs pretty clear Iâm an axe murderer?
Yes.
Letâs forget about this axe murderer stuff, and now letâs say youâre on a date with a woman. Maybe itâs a first or second date and you havenât had sex yet. Or, maybe itâs a woman youâve been dating and having sex with for a few weeks.
She asks you, âAre you still having sex with other women?â
If you really are having sex with other women, then just with the above, youâve got four options.
Option one is to do the radical honesty thing and bluntly state, âYes.â You can even go to an extreme and say something like, âOf course I am. What am I, some kind of pussy? Iâm always going to be banging chicks and if you donât like it you can get the fuck out.â
I have no problem with men doing that. Itâs honest, outcome independent, and Alpha. The problem is by saying something like that, youâre launching a direct, all-out nuclear assault on her Societal Programming, ASD, Disney, and Strong Independent Woman⢠brainwashing.
If itâs you against the SP and ASD and Disney and Strong Independent Woman⢠of a Western woman, youâre going to lose. I donât care how much of a badass Alpha / PUA / whatever you think you are. You may be able to keep her around for a few months, but thatâs about it.
If your goal is to have a string of short-term relationships, then fine; go for it. If your goal is, like mine, to have relationships that last years and years, this option is not going to work (unless you focus on non-Western women or if you encounter a very bizarre and rare exception to the rule).
Option two is to do the standard Alpha Male 1.0 technique of deny, deny, deny. In other words, to lie. To say âno.â
As Iâve discussed many times, lying doesnât eliminate drama, lying only delays drama. If you tell a woman youâre not hooking up with other girls and you are, sheâs going to eventually find out, and then youâre in for a mountain of drama, even if you keep denying it. Frankly, youâll get more drama than the honesty guy above. Heâll get some drama too, but while his drama will be few snorts, head-tosses, and complaints, youâll get a fucking avalanche of drama when she finds out youâre banging women on the side when all this time you said you werenât.
If youâre one of those higher-drama Alpha 1.0s who kinda like drama a little, then great. Lie to women all you like, and enjoy your distrust, arguments, sneaking around, drama, and bullshit. But, if your goal is, like mine, to live a life of long-term consistent happiness, that option is not going to work.
Option three is to refuse to answer the question, but be cleverly deceptive about it. So you put on your Oscar-worthy performance and say, âWhat? Me??? Why would you ever think that? I love you baby. Stop being silly!â
If youâre a good actor, she calms down and takes your word for it. Then you pat yourself on the back for not lying. Then you take her out to dinner and treat her like a monogamous girlfriend even though she isnât.
True, youâre not technically lying, but youâre being deceptive as hell. And guess what? Youâre in for the same amount of drama as the radical honesty guy above. The only difference is as sheâs screaming at you, youâll take the logical and moral high ground by stating that you never actually said you werenât fucking other women. The problem is, thatâs logic. Logic doesnât work on women in romantic relationships, you dumbass. You start logically explaining objective realities to her and she throws a frying pan at your face. Her SP and ASD is far more powerful than your logic, and always will be.
Itâs actually worse than that. Not only are you being deceptive, but youâre also being wildly incongruent, a topic Iâve talked about a lot here over the years and one men still screw up on. While avoiding answering the question, youâre taking her out on dates, seeing her more than once a week, spending money on her, texting her every day, and doing all kinds of things to her that say, âIâm your monogamous boyfriend.â Youâre doing all of this while still having sex with other women. Bad, bad, bad. No wonder youâre in for drama. And when she gets pissed off at you, Iâm going to agree with her.
Again, if you kinda like drama, then go for it. But if you want to be long-term happy, you need another option.
This brings us to option four. Under this option, youâve been following all the open/poly relationship rules. Youâve been making her cum every time you have sex, youâve only been seeing her once a week, youâve been keeping the amount of contact between you very infrequent, youâre not spending money on her or taking her out on fancy dates, youâre not talking about the relationship in any way, youâve maintained a strong Alpha (and not boyfriendish) frame, and on and on.
This usually means that, often unlike with the above three guys, when she asks you the question, she already knows the answer. Thatâs why sheâs asking it.
Regardless, you donât verbally answer the question, but do so in a way thatâs not deceptive. Maybe you grin and say nothing. Or maybe you give a sarcastic answer like, âOh hell yeah. Iâve got seven different girlfriendsâ or âYeah, I just nailed a cheerleader this morning,â and put a big, silly smile on your face. Or maybe you say something like, âHeh. Youâre so cute. So needy and concerned,â and then slap her ass or squeeze one of her boobs. Or maybe you give her a confused look, and ask, âWhat? Are we getting married now?â
Being a woman, her intuition is much more advanced than a manâs. Sheâs also accustomed to indirect communication which is her style, unlike the direct, masculine communication of a man. Even though you didnât verbally answer the question, you did answer it. Your answer was, âOf course Iâm having sex with other women, but Iâm not talking about it.â She hears it loud and clear (unless sheâs retarded or deranged).
She still may not like that answer, but youâre not answering the question, youâre not lying, and youâre not being deceptive. Youâre also avoiding the shock to her SP and ASD, at least as much as possible. You arenât (likely) going to get any drama about it, now or later. This will result in a long, low-drama, nonmonogamous relationship that will likely last many years (provided you donât screw up).
Like with soft nexting, this is often hard for men to understand if theyâve never actually done it. I have used Option Four on countless women over many years. Once I got good at it, not once, and I mean this now, not once has a woman been shocked, surprised, angry, or given me drama when I said it, or later when I actually verbalized the nonmonogamy. Itâs worked on women of all ages (18-19, 20s, 30s, and 40s), races, nationalities, and personality types. Itâs not lying. Itâs not being deceptive provided you do it correctly as I outline above.
It works.
