Lovers and providers represent different male roles and strategies for dating and relationships.

In simple terms, lovers pertain to short-term dating and uncommitted intimacy, while providers focus on long-term, committed relationships.

In this post, we will explore what are lovers and providers, what’s a provider mindset, and how you can pick your best strategy.

INTRO: The Science

While terms like “lovers vs providers” have been popularized by online dating communities, those concepts are rooted firmly in evolutionary psychology.

A first milestone for this concept can be set at the Sexual Strategies Theory (Buss and Schmitt, 1993), claiming that men and women evolved different adaptations for short and long-term mating.

Shortly afterward, Gangestad & Simpson‘s strategic pluralism theorized that women evaluate men in two different ways: genetic qualities for short-term flings, and parental investment for long-term relationships.

Lovers and providers are the male archetypes that ‘specialize’ in these two categories, each appealing to very different female preferences.
Sexy lovers seduce for fast and uncommitted sex, while dependable providers court for long-term provisioning.

Several subsequent studies confirmed the validity of this theory.
For example, Gorelik writes in the latest Cambridge Handbook of Evolutionary Perspectives:

the picture that is emerging is that women employ a dual mating strategy marked by a preference for (a) dominant and physically attractive men on the one hand and (b) committed providers and carers who are invested in them and their offspring on the other hand

And later:

Men may likewise employ a dual mating strategy (…) by shifting between competition for access to mating opportunities and direct paternal care within the context of a pair-bond.

Cashdan’s reseach also found that both men and women approach dating according to these two main strategies.

But please note that:

• These strategies aren’t mutually exclusive, and one man may be a provider in a relationship, while trying to be a lover outside of it
• Mate value influences but doesn’t determine the strategy, since a high value man may prefer a committed relationship, while a lower value man may still avoid relationships

However, mate value influences the strategy because only higher value men can be successful lovers.

Finally, lovers and providers’ strategies have also been linked to early childhood experience (life history strategies), and they come with very different psychological profiles.
Read here for more:

Psychological profile of lovers

From Science to Pickup Advice

As a broad generalization:

• Mainstream dating advice targets providers
• PUA and red pill communities target lovers (and sometimes scoff at the provider)

Lovers are sometimes referred to as alpha males, while providers are scorned as beta males, also encapsulated in the maxim alpha fucks, beta bucks.

However, the truth is more nuanced than that, and each approach also comes down to life phases, personal preferences, and… Contextual effectiveness.

Lover vs Provider Mindsets

Although lovers tend to pursue short-term strategies and providers lean toward long-term ones, both approaches can sometimes be applied across both modalities.

See a matrix here:

Short-term dating with a provider role, in red, is the most exploitative strategy. 

Let’s learn more now, bridging science, experience, and advice that works:

Lover Strategy

Definition:

A lover seeks sexual intercourse with a woman without committment, and little investment

Low investment includes little or no financial support, emotional support, or time together outside of intimacy.

These are the characteristics of a lover strategy:

• Focus on the physical and sexual aspects of seduction
• Search for the quickest path to sex
• Rejection of long courtships
  • Avoidance of investments of time and resources (unless we’re talking about a highly manipulative approach)
• Potentially active disqualification as a long-term provider (ie.: presenting himself as a traveler, a player, or saying he doesn’t do relationships)
  • Potentially playing down any indicators of commitment
• Avoiding commitment and keeping the relationship “sex only”

The lover strategy is superior for short-term dating and casual sex, including speed to sex from first meeting.

It efficiently screens for sexually available women, it requires less investment, and women are more likely to move fast with a good lover type.

The major caveat, of course, is that for the man to successfully use a lover strategy, he must be at least somewhat attractive to the woman she wants.

Lover First, Provider Later

The lover can also eventually “pivot” from casual to a “real” relationship.

There are some advantages to starting out as a lover, including:

Quicker Sex

Why so?

Because women are not screening lovers for resources and commitment, and may not seek to look like good girls (Madonnas in the Madonna-whore dichotomy).

So since women are not auditioning lovers for a long-term role in their lives, they only need “attractive enough” or “fun enough” to enjoy the sex or the adventure.

Potentially More Attractive and Higher Power

Women don’t take just about anyone as lovers.

To be a lover, one needs to reach a minimum level of skills and/or attractiveness.

So entering relationships as a lover gains stronger attraction and leverage for a possible future relationship.

Why?

First, because she will compare him with other men she’s been with.
And subconsciously, she will rationalize that if the lover was faster, then he must be more successful with other women (and women like sexually successful men).

And second, because entering a relationship as a non-providing lover adds a “double-bind” attraction. First, she picked him for his sexiness. And now she even gets the resources?

Wow, what a win!

Little caveat first: the “lover advantage” is mostly vis-a-vis average providers.
Higher-quality men who date more as providers also enter relationships with high power.

Now back to our lover style.
Of course, there is no “all-season perfect strategy”, and the lover role comes with its risks and shortcomings.

The Risks of Being a Lover

Some of the risks include:

• It might not be her type of sexy: If he doesn’t pull off “sexy enough” or if he’s not her type, then he has no value to her.
• If sex doesn’t happen quickly, he’s out: Lovers are supposed to be skilled and make it happen. If he doesn’t, he’s no lover, so he’s out.
• Flawless seduction or nothing: A small blunder and he’s out because he’s not much of a lover if he mucks it up.
• She may turn cold and disappear if you make her feel ashamed for having been ‘too easy’ or ‘slutty’ (‘anti-slut defense). She will blame it on you, and avoid you

Here is a good texting example:

The lover frame was set, she was digging it, we moved to discuss logistics and we agreed on the date… And then she suddenly unmatched me.
She likely felt she was being too easy, too slutty… And she cut the interaction.

• Works less well with low-sex drive women: You have less sexual drive to leverage. Same goes for women with more hang-ups about sex.
• Buyer’s remorse risk (post-sex anti-slut defenses)

Sometimes anti-slut defenses kick in after sex has happened, and even then… It’s over.

No biggies if you only cared about sex, but if you wanted to see her again, then it’s on you to manage her slut-feelings (more on it later).

The risk is especially high with conservative women, or she wasn’t 100% sure and convinced.
She may even resent sex if it feels like ‘your win’ but not hers (and for good reasons. That’s why we highly recommend win-win and collaborative frames here, especially during escalations and LMRs).

As Miller says in “What Women Want”:

Even a woman who is really just cruising for some hot sex will enjoy you more and feel less vulnerable to slut-shaming if she can fantasize about you being a great boyfriend.

This happened several times to me.
Here is one example:

• Risk of being branded as “not relationship material”

Some women slot lovers as the “guy for fun only”.

The risk is present even if she likes you a lot, and sometimes especially if she likes you a lot.

One of my biggest heartbreaks was the woman who disappeared on me saying she “needed to protect herself”.
That was the equivalent of saying “you’re not the kind of guy I can trust, you will not form any pair bonding”.

And that’s one of the reasons why I disagree with the advice of never telling women you like them (see AMS). That’s low-level, fearful game.

• You misdiagnose her personality (and fall for the bait and switch)

As a general rule, the more she likes you, the more power you have.

The problem with dating high-power is that… You only get to know the people you’re dealing with when they are high power.

Up until the power is on your side, her focus is to lock you down and present the best version of herself.

But things will change as the relationship develops and she accrues more power. For example, after marriage, or after kids.
Then the lovers really get to see the “real” her, and it can be a big surprise.

• You might not get the type of girl you like

Some women you will rarely get with a lover’s strategy.
It might be a minority, but women who never wanted sex outside of a relationship do exist.
Women looking for a relationship might also be more closed off to men dating with a lover strategy.

Overall, the lover strategy tends to work less well with certain types of women, and better with girls who are libertine, unrestricted, high-sex drive, closeted high sex drive, sexually curious, etc.

You date below your full potential

This is possibly the biggest drawback of the lover dating strategy.

When you date purely as a lover, you are taking important assets off the negotiation table: resources, committment, emotional support, and a future together.

No matter how sexy you are, a sexy man who also adds those traits is inherently higher value.

Keep this in mind: at parity of sexual market value, the boyfriend candidate is superior to the lover candidate, because the boyfriend candidate, who is most often a provider, is the full package.

That means that dating with the lover role you may harm your chances with higher quality women.
After all, as research found out ‘attractive women want it all’: both lover qualities, and investment (Buss and Shackelford’s, 2008).
Women who might have otherwise dated you, had you chosen the provider route.

Look at this chart:

A lover who is a 4 and removes all of the “provider stuff” can hardly date a 9.

But a provider who is a skilled dater and who adds all the provider stuff can more easily get a woman who is above his sexual market value.

Provider Strategy

Let’s define the provider strategy:

A provider seeks sexual access with a ‘package’ that includes mutual commitment, emotional support, and financial support.

Some men are providers at heart, and most men date as providers most of the time.
Most “serious relationships” often see the man in a provider role. 

Presenting oneself as a provider with less sexual edge is slower but, on average and for most people, safer.
As PUA Richard La Ruina says in “Soulmate Sequence“:

To proceed at a slow burning pace is just playing easier.
Going immediately from strangers to lover is a pretty hard challenge.

Wining and dining might be in the cards, but he is allowed more room for mistakes.
Part of the reason might not be very encouraging, and in part it’s because most providers are held to a lower sexual standard than lovers.

However, most is not all, and if you’re reading here, chances are that you’re not “most” guys.
And a sexy man can also date as a provider. 

Indeed, there are different layers of being a provider.
The low-quality way is to pitch one’s resources and commitment in exchange for sexual access.

A step above that is to use this frame: 

Here is me, here are my qualities, here are my resources, and if we get along I might join forces with you and commit them or a part of them to you

Some ways in which men show their willingness to provide include:

• Picking her up
• Taking her to dinner
• Paying for her
• Showing up well dressed and clean for her
• Caring about her
• Defending her and taking her side

The Advantages of Adding Provider Traits

Advantages of provider-type of dating include:

• Works best for most men (by definition most men are not super sexy)
• Higher batting average for most men (at parity of SMV, at least)
• Easier, doesn’t require the lover’s smoothness

Take the example of nutritionist Layne Norton.
Layne admitted in an interview he’s only been with two women in his life, both of whom became his wives.
Certainly not a player, and not much experience. Yet, as a high-quality provider, the lack of some experience was no issue in marrying a very high-quality, attractive, and popular woman:

• Some women avoid pure lovers (especially the ones looking for a relationship)
• Relationships with a provider tend to be stronger
• Some men are more fulfilled as providers: Bruce Bryan says that the right woman will make you want to be a provider.
• It allows men to get higher quality women who wouldn’t otherwise sleep with him right away

The last one is the most crucial, as we’ve seen.
That’s the main reason why I would not advise most men to date as lovers unless I knew their goals and preferences beforehand. For men looking for a relationship, I would definitely advise a high-quality provider.

The Risks of Being a Provider

The risks of being a provider include:

• If they get into a relationship, he might start the relationship with less power
• He needs to share his resources
• He might end up moving too slow and attraction might dissipate
• If he’s boring and showing off too much wealth, it might seem more like a transaction
• If he’s not good at truly making people open up, she might present him with the mask of what he wishes to see

As you can see, there are risks associated with being a provider as well.

How to Effectively Date As Provider

See “Seduction University”.

Provider Mindset

In dating contexts, the provider mindset is a psychological orientation where a man prioritizes the well-being, security, and support of her woman—financially, emotionally, or physically—as a core identity trait.

It emphasizes:

• Responsibility, including financially
• Pair bonding, securely attached when healthy, anxious when less healthy
• Future-oriented planning, potentially for a family
• Cooperativeness, with a win-win midnset and the belief that cooperation makes the pie bigger for all

Men with a provider mindset tend to be high in agreeableness and conscientiousness, and low in dark triad traits.

Blending Roles: The Lovider

The ‘dream man’ blends the roles.

A rich provider can be sex and move fast, while a poorer but sexy man can still add provider’s traits.

Everything is in the execution.
Look at this example from “The Saint”:

Lover: (orders and pays for two wine bottles of $500 each)

Van Kilmer plays the stereotypical artist-type lover.
Yet, her attraction spikes higher when he shows he also has high-flyer type of money and he’s inviting her for the drinks.

This is a peculiar example, but the general rule is exactly that:

Top-quality men combine qualities from both providers and lovers.

And that’s why, I invite you to look less at the roles, and focus more on overall quality.

Should You Date as Lover or Provider?

For effectiveness, proper calibration to the context and woman is paramount.

And for quality of life, your preference reigns supreme.

Here are a few questions to help you decide what’s best suited for you:

Q.: Are you around average or handsome?

– If you’re average or below, provider might be more suited
– If you’re handsome, lover will come more easily to you

Q.: Are you in a conservative or libertine culture?

– If you live in a conservative culture, provider might be more suited
– If you live in a libertine culture, lovers have an easier time

Q.: Do you live in a big city or countryside?

– If you’re in the countryside, the lover is much more challenging
– If you’re in a big city, the environment better supports a lover strategy

Q.: What priority do you assign to women?

– If you have many competing interests, learning to be a lover might suck up lots of your time
– If women are important to you you crave experience, then you should develop the lover’s skills

Q.: What type of places do you like?

– The lover style tends to work better in bars and clubs
– The provider strategy fares comparatively better when you meet women outside of bars and clubs

Q.: What age bracket are you dealing with?

– The lover style tends to work better with both younger and older women
– The provider strategy fares better with women in “settling down age”

Q.: What type of relationships do you prefer?

– If you’re more into relationships, then you don’t lose anything going for provider
– If you’re into casual sex, then you the lover is more effective

Many men (and women) are not sure.
If you are not sure, that can create issues within yourself, so think it through.
If you are not sure and want to find out, here is a quiz for you to take (subscribers only).

Q.: What type of girls do you prefer?

– Low sex drive, more conservative women respond better to a provider
– High sex drive and more libertine respond better to a lover, especially when they’re not yet in “settle down mode”

If I had to pick one way to choose, I would recommend you to pick based on your preferences and the types of girls you like.
For all the rest, you can find ways around it.

Be Like Water, My Friend

Finally, it’s always best not to constrain yourself into a role.

Slow down if one day you meet a conservative woman who doesn’t trust you yet.

Or strike the iron while it’s hot if you see signs of strong attraction.

Think fluidly, and you will always be more successful.
Fluid minds always beat inflexible ones.

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