Most men go around life socially blind.

They lose status, respect and attraction… And don’t even realize it.

Most people may refer to this as covert aggression, but it’s different.
At TPM, we’ve identified a more nuanced phenomenon: the Covert Power Move™. While covert aggression isn’t an obvious attack, even if covert, a power move is often disguised as a neutral interaction.

By the end of this article, you’ll see why ‘aggression’ is just the tip of the iceberg.

Covert Power Moves™ Defined (TPM Concept):
Behaviors or statements that appear neutral, friendly, or supportive, but subtly increase the actor’s power while disempowering the target. Unlike traditional aggression, covert aggression, or passive aggression, covert power moves can disguise themselves as compliments, encouragement, apologies, or neutral interactions, allowing the actor to ‘retreat under cover’ and deny ill intent. Covert power moves can disempower even when not intended to harm.

P.S.
Here’s what a student of ours said about this concept:

PU alumnus: Eye-opener (…) the subtle and hidden power moves totally mind-blowing (…) I feel so lucky (…) Thank you for teaching me the most valuable currency in life

By the end of this article, you will also learn the same.

Here are 3 common covert power moves:

1. “I Was Busy”

General rule:

⚖️ The more people are too busy for you, the more subservient to them you are.

Sub-communication:

📣 I was busy (with more important things) to take care of your (less important) thing

It’s even worse if the topic is personal or about meeting.
Then YOU are a low(er) priority

Even if they were genuinely busy it’s disempowering.

Think about it.
Would anyone be too busy for:

• The boss at the job they love/need
• The dream man they want to be forever with
• The friend they admire

Exactly.
It’s not about busyness, but about priorities.
“I’m too busy” 🟰 “you aren’t high enough a priority”.

Similar expressions are:

I didn’t have time

I had to take care of a few things

I meant to get back to you, but then a few things came up…

Case Study

Imagine:

You: Hi Gina, I wrote you the other day to schedule a coffee
Her: Yes, sorry I was crazy busy these days

It’s a terrible text because it thread-expands her non-reply.
Now, let’s analyze common responses:

Bad Responses

• What were you busy with? It thread-expands on the reasons to avoid you. If “busy” was an excuse, it forces her to lie
• OK, when are you free? Chases too soon. Sub-communicates you’re always free for her, while she’s not free for you

These also commit this huge exchange mistake:

⚠️ Don’t ask without leverage or you turn into a value-taker to avoid
Not being free for you = no leverage (yet). When you ask without leverage, you dig deeper into the value-hole. You become a value-taker to avoid.

Better Responses

Here’s how a more power-aware man could respond:

• “No worries, life happens“. You don’t dig deeper. But you’re still one-down
• “All good, sorry I didn’t follow up“. Implies you’re also busy. Good for business as well
• “All cool. I just got back in town and wanted to ping you“. Implies you weren’t waiting around for her and got your own life
  • + “How have you been“, great technique to move on fast after a power loss. And reminds her that she’s not traveling to cool places like you

And a real-life example:

Me: speaking of food, let’s do a coffee or a meal together one of these days
Her: Ok if I’m not busy
Me: LOL that sounds like game playing :D
Her: ahaha what do you mean?
Me: you know, like “I’m busy, I’m hard to get… Chase me” :D

1.2. “Sorry I didn’t reply”

Here are the possible responses ranked in terms of effectiveness:

👉🏼 The “power mover” overdoes it. It’s reactive, “power bean-counting”, and too high-investment

🦅 Handle It Eagle Style: Empathize Or Ignore

The most “un-needy” approach ignores or empathizes.

Something like:

You: all good, everyone’s so busy in this city :)

Leave it to her to show interest and re-initiate.
If not, on to new opportunities.

2. “I’m Sorry”

General rule:

⚖️ The more people are “sorry”, the more you’re framed as the victim

And, in general, the person who can hurt or harm the other the most has more power.
That’s why apologies often disempower you.

Imagine these situations:

Her: Honey, I’m sorry you felt hurt that me and Max spoke at the party

📣 Sub-communication: I’m sorry (that you’re so afraid of losing me)

And:

Coach: I’m sorry that I yelled at you in front of the team

📣 Sub-communication: “I’m sorry that I (can) yell at you (while you have to take it) in front of the team (and ruined your reputation… Because I can ruin your reputation).

And a video example:

Him: “I’m sorry for what happened (…)
I called you an asshole, I kicked you out, I called you a whore… I’m sorry “

He reminds her that he kicked her out (dominant) and that he made her feel bad (powerful).

👉🏼 🎓 Notice her reaction: completely ignores it, and moves on with her new frame.
Perfect.

The Made-Up Sorry 🐍

Some people invent reasons to say “sorry” just to disempower you.
A good way to both check it and downplay it at the same time:

Her: I’m sorry if I was rude to you
You: If you were rude, don’t do it anymore. But I didn’t even notice

Read more here.
⛏️ Another example here.

Case Study

In general:

• Display you weren’t too hurt or bothered
  • Minimize the time spent on the “sorry” to avoid expanding on a negative.
    🧠 Remember: you’re NOT the type of guy to be “sorry” for
• Focus on their mistake more than your hurt
• Focus on expectations & solutions to ensure it won’t happen again. Crucial in closer relationships

Examples

Valid approaches include:

• … <— Say nothing, nod or just say “OK”. Let them stew in the doubt of whether you accept or not
• All good, I’m doing great. Anyway, I’ve heard that…
• I forgive you <— A power move that shifts the power from them to you. YOU had the power to forgive or not, and decided to
• 🦅 It’s not about sorry or not sorry. I expect better <— This fantastic judge-style response shifts the focus to your high expectations, sub-communicating high-value

🔎 Example

If you have leverage and someone was inconsiderate, don’t be afraid of being assertive. For example:

Me: I don’t know what to do with your sorry. I’m looking for a woman who shows up

She did show up next time.
And she even quit playing the games she was playing. Still not enough to make for a great LTR, but still much better for as long as we dated.

🎗️ Calibration

Note: This is a high-pressure response.
Use it only when the other person has shown a strong disregard for you or your time. In a healthy relationship, this would be over-assertiveness (Value-Taking).

Please don’t think ALL apologies are bad:

Apologizing is often a good sign

Due apologies are green flags of good character.
To recognize good apologies VS bad ones, see Power University.

“Sorry” Re-Empowers You If:

• Repeated and/or heartfelt
• Accompanied by fear of losing you
• Accompanied by concrete actions and reparations
• Costly, through effort or their own disempowerment
  Ie.:
  • Public apologies
  • Traveling to meet you
• From higher-power people who aren’t expected to apologize to lower-ranks

🔎 Example:
A high-ranking legal expert in our business yelled at anyone.
She did it to me, too. But she came to my table to apologize while I was at lunch with a colleague. That was a meaningful apology because she was much higher rank than I was.

3. “Well Done”

How does this LinkedIn post feel to you?

Him: She has done an amazing job (…) For that reason, we are giving her an opportunity to work in Brazil for the next 3 months

This is patronizing.
It puts off high-power men.

📣 Sub-communication: I’m the judge of her work and becuase she made me happy, we give her this little, time-limited reward (but if I judged her job poorly, she wouldn’t get anything)

The power is all on him.

It’s like a dog’s treat.

The gift is conditional on you executing his tasks the way he likes.
Stop doing the job the way he likes, and you’re out of treats.

How about Alex finds her job in Brazil for as long as she likes?

💪🏼 Your approval first
It’s OK to feel emotionally validated by awards and rewards.
But remember: you’re bigger than any employer. And the approval that matters the most is your own.

📝 Case Study

Think about it, and we’ll review it in the case studies lesson in Power University.

4. “You Can Do It”

Such as:

• You can do it
• I believe in you
• Go there and smash it

📣 Sub-communication:

1. Their encouragement is helpful. It empowers them, not you
2. You need their encouragement. It disempowers you
3. They’re above you, or more advanced because people below don’t encourage superiors
4. The end result is crucial: often a disempowering mindset (see “Ultimate Power”)

Even worse are encouragements like:

• Be confident / strong / cool

Which sub-communicates you are not confident / strong / cool enough.

A colleague once told me before a sales call:

Him: Don’t be afraid, remember that he shits and farts just like anyone else

Superficially supportive and encouraging.
But opened the mentally disempowering “fear” thread. And implied I likely was afraid, disempowering me to everyone in earshot.

Case Study

1. Don’t say “yes I will be” because that confirms that their encouragement was, at least, fair to give
2. Careful denying you’re not worried, especially if you are. Denials still expand negative threads and seed doubt. Better to avoid altogether
3. Ignore / make little of it. A very detached “thanks”, without looking at them, can do

Or:

4. Make fun of the uselessness of the “encouragement”. Ie.: “Yes, I was actually planning on going there scared sh*tless, but thanks for reminding not to“.

4.2. “Keep Up The Great Work”

The speaker:

• Self-frames as judge of your work
• Self-frames as experts to judge
• Places you below them, or at least not above them since lower-status people don’t usually judge superiors

However, since it’s a stock sentence, don’t necessarily make too much out of it.

More techniques in PU.

Understanding Covert Power Moves

In simpler words, a covert power move is…

Anything that disempowers you, but that on the surface seems neutral, apologetic, or even friendly.

Some power moves are obvious, and anyone can recognize them as attempts at asserting dominance.

But cover power moves are more hidden.
Sometimes they’re “jokes”, tests, or hide behind conventions or truthful sounding statements.

Because they’re covert, many men miss them.

It’s in the sub-communication that you lose status, respect, and attraction

Most men don’t even understand the basics of power dynamics and social power dynamics, after all.
Let alone if they can understand the more advanced stuff.

But, as they say, life doesn’t care about your ignorance.
You still lose power, status, and attraction.
And fail to assess characters.

Covert aggression is convenient for the attacker

Although not all covert power moves are aggressive, some can be.

Covert aggression is convenient for the attacker because it can be highly damaging, with little risks and costs.

Quoting from The Oxford Handbook of Evolutionary Psychology and Romantic Relationships:

Compared to direct tactics of overt aggression, third parties can more easily dispute as to whether indirect, covert tactics were intentionally meant to harm
(…)
are less likely to open aggressors up to revenge and third-party retaliation, making them ideal for actors aiming to avoid costly injury (Bjorkqvist, 1994; Krems, 2016; Vaillancourt, 2013)

Ie.:

• Indirect attackers can deny the attack, or deny ill-intent
• Indirect attackers face less revenge or retaliation, often because the victim didn’t even realize the attack

They disempower you, even without ill intent

The covert power moves we focus on harm you.

However, people aren’t always ill-intentioned.

Some people project their disempowering mindsets onto you.
Or they may be clueless and don’t even realize they’re disempowering.

So don’t conclude that every covert power move is a red flag.

Also, many covert power moves are both honest, and disempowering.

Calibration and smoothness are key

Handling covert power moves requires slightly more advanced skills.

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