How women can maintain their looks as they age

A question to the studio audience: can women keep their looks as they get older?

Short answer: No. Mother Nature is a cruel and unforgiving bitch.

Long answer: No, but with proper lifestyle choices they can soften the aging process.

When it comes to sexual stimulation, men are visual creatures. This means that once a woman’s looks start fading into a morass of cellulite, crow’s feet, and cankles, she’s finished in the mating market. The aging process is in part determined by genetics, but there’s really no reason to make it worse through your own bad habits. Given that the female-dominated media insists on shoving horrible examples of old women we’re supposed to think are good looking but aren’t down our throats (see this list here, though I don’t recommend clicking on it if you have a weak stomach and/or have just eaten), I thought I’d be helpful and offer up some examples of older women who ARE still good looking as well as sharing their methods of keeping fit. Ladies, take notes; you’ll never be as hot as you were at 18 or even at 24, but these pointers will save you from a life of undignified cougardom and/or being ignored by your porn-addicted husband:

1) Meryl Streep.

I was originally inspired to write this post when I caught Streep being interviewed on the Tonight Show. She may well be the hottest 60-year old woman alive. Admittedly, that’s not saying much, and I wouldn’t bang her, but still, DAMN! Most ladies, even celebrities, are usually toast beauty-wise by age 35, so how does Meryl keep it together, especially considering she’s married and has had FOUR kids? She avoids the sun for one:

One of the reasons Streep’s very pale skin looks so naturally luminous is because she keeps out of the relentless California sun.

This is a factor in aging that many people overlook. Americans tend to forget that most of the continental U.S. is further south than Europe. New York City is one of America’s northernmost large cities, but it’s on the same latitude as northern Spain. If you’re white, your ancestors came from an environment where sunlight is less harsh. Even if you live in the North and don’t frequent beaches with a tanning mirror, there’s still enough sunlight to cause serious skin damage over the course of your life. If you have fair skin, you should avoid direct sunlight so that you don’t end up looking like a prune with nipples. That, and fair skinned white women simply look better then those with tans.

That and not drinking too much alcohol which she deliberately steers away from as a potential skin wrecker.

Drinking like a bum pissing on himself in the gutter has a way of prematurely aging people. Every heavy drinker I’ve known, regardless of their sex, looks like they fell out of the ugly tree and impaled themselves on one of the branches.

Not a great fan of high impact, intense cardio workouts, Meryl Streep’s low impact exercise of choice is swimming.  Last summer she admitted to swimming a mile every day.

Cardio exercise is hell if you’re looking to look good. Running and jogging are great ways to ruin your joints.

Meryl Streep is a wonderful role model for the ladies of America. If all women followed her methods of beautification, people could enjoy the company of older women without feeling like their eyeballs are being violated.

2) Laura Ingraham.

Radio show host and frequent O’Reilly Factor fill-in Laura Ingraham is 45 and, if not smoking, is still hot. She has an oddly mannish voice and she’s painfully stupid, but unlike a certain dried-out old shrew, Laura is still very much humpable. She maintains her figure by working out for one hour a day:

She would arrive around 8 and head to the gym in the basement of Heritage…Right around 8:58 Laura would come storming in, still wet from her after gym shower.

For women of any age who want to stay in shape, regular exercise is a requirement. (Starvation dieting also works, though you probably won’t enjoy it as much.)  If you don’t stay in shape, you could end up like this:

This is Meghan McCain, who had her “glandular problem” ruthlessly mocked by our pretty pundette:

Recently my not-size-0 body has come under fire again by the conservative pundit Laura Ingraham. On her radio show recently, she sarcastically commented that I was “too plus-sized to be a cast member on the television show The Real World” and needled me about my weight with a comment about Barbie’s 50th anniversary.

Meghan McCain is a perfect example of how fat destroys a woman’s beauty. The good Arizona senator’s loin-fruit has a 7 face, and most men would consider her attractive if she were of normal weight. However, she’s allowed herself to bloat to the size of a stadium blimp, burying her positive attributes in an ocean of blubber. And she’s only 24, so it’s only going to get worse from here.

Instead of intellectually debating our ideological differences about the future of the Republican Party, Ingraham resorted to making fun of my age and weight, in the fashion of the mean girls in high school.

It’s damned easy to make fun of fatties – they’re such big targets! I’ll bet I could roll Meghan’s fat ass down a hill like a boulder. And the “mean girls in high school” have the right idea – we should shame the overweight at every opportunity because its the most effective way to get them to slim down and stop polluting our visages.

I responded on Twitter by saying, “To all the curvy girls out there, don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your body. I love my curves and you should love yours too.”

You’re not curvy, Meghan, you’re fat, and no amount of “fat acceptance” campaigning and whinging will ever get normal humans to look at you as anything other than a disgusting pig. Thank you, Laura, for helping put the wildebeests in their place.

Ladies, you have a choice. You can be like Meghan McCain, and spend the rest of your existence bargaining for pity bangs from betas and crying into your bowl of Perry’s every night, or you can be like Laura Ingraham, and still be sexy enough in your 40’s to give men wood. You only get one life – why guarantee you’ll spend most of it with only the cats to keep you company?

3) Michelle Obama.

Before you start accusing me of repeating the MSM lies about Michelle Obama’s supposed beauty, let me state that I don’t think she’s particularly attractive. Her face is subpar, her butt is unremarkable by anyone’s standard, and her shoulders are disturbingly wide. Given how liberal women are now violating themselves to their fantasies of Barack, he has to be kicking himself for settling for the mediocre Michelle.

However, the 45-year old Michelle has aged quite well, especially considering that black women age much worse than any other type of female in the U.S. The average sista has usually transformed into a barely recognizable gelatinous blob before she hits forty. I imagine that middle-class black women do a better job of keeping their waistlines slim, but ghetto blacks – fuhgeddaboudit. The First Lady pulls off graceful aging by working out regularly:

Obama has said she exercises in 90-minute workout three times a week with a personal trainer. The first lady told People magazine that during an average day in the White House, she and the president get up at 5:30 a.m. and usually work out and have breakfast.

It’s unclear what kind of exercises Obama does to maintain her buff arms, but it appears to be both back and arm workouts, said Michele Vourliotis, author of “Amazing Arms: Get Toned Triceps, Beautiful Biceps, and Sexy Shoulders in Just Minutes a Day.”

“She may be working out on machine, dumbbells, bands or using her body weight,” Vourliotis said. Pick the option that seems most suitable to you, she advised.

Whatever her specific routine is, it works and can be done by anyone. Dumbbells and weight sets can be had for cheap from Walmart and using them is easy. My own dumbbells have served me faithfully for years.

But others were amazed, like 25-year-old Jessie Rosen. After seeing Obama at the speech Tuesday, she went to the Adidas store in New York and bought two five-pound dumbbells. “It was her arms being so toned in spite of her life,” she said.

“This woman is redecorating White House, trying to raise two children and backseat driving the nation,” Rosen said. “She seems to have time to keep her arms toned, so why can’t I?”

If the First Lady can inspire American women to get off their ever-expanding buttocks and exercise, it may be the best thing to come out of the Obama presidency.

Wives have an obligation to remain sexy for their husbands. Michelle Obama knows this. Do you?