What girl game isn’t

I’ve written on the deficiencies of women’s dating advice before, but never have I ever come across something so flat-out retarded and deluded as this post at College Candy entitled “I Got Game. You Want Game?“:

I’m gonna make a bold statement right now:

I got some serious game.

Are you married or in a long-term relationship? Then no, you don’t have game.

I know that sounds incredibly cocky, but it’s actually quite the opposite. You see, until about two years ago I was the girl who sat on the sidelines and watched as all my friends flirted with and won over the very boys I wanted for myself. I was essentially the hook-up water boy, holding everyone’s cocktails when they went to the bathroom and checking to make sure no one had anything in their teeth.  I accepted my role and went on with my life thinking I wasn’t pretty or skinny or perfect enough to be seen as anything more than the girl best friend.

If this broad was being ignored, there are three possible reasons:

1) She’s too hot, meaning guys, who are usually looking for a sure thing, stuck to hitting on her Plain Jane girlfriends.

2) She’s too ugly, possessing the sort of hideousness that would require a barrel of Keystone Light piss water to get a guy interested.

3) She was making herself too inaccessible in relation to her looks. Hint: playing hard to get doesn’t work unless you’re super fine, and even then its utility is questionable at best.

But then something happened. I had a one-night stand with a boy who everyone wanted and – like that – everything changed.

My god, you got a cock in your snatch for one whole night? I am so…unimpressed.

I started walking with a little swagger in my step, approaching anyone and everyone I wanted and suddenly I had developed my game winning moves.

A woman being proud of getting laid is like an alcoholic proud of getting drunk.

So, after luring in my own men and playing professional wingman to all of my friends (I advise them on making a move and they pay me back with vodka-on-the-rocks), someone who has benefited from my work countless times finally convinced me to share my secrets with the world. If you can master these few little tips, you can win over any guy, any time.

Unless your advice begins and ends with something along the lines of “walk up to him and force your tongue into his mouth,” it’s not going to help anyone.

[Now, just so you know, playing the game isn't just for ladies looking for some late night nookie. It's for those of you crushing on a guy and looking for something longer term, too.]

A college chick gets a horny dude to lay pipe to her for one night and she thinks she’s qualified to give relationship advice? Man, she’s got more chutzpah then Ellen Fein.

To begin with, I just want to say that no one is going to fall in love with you if you don’t show them there’s something to love. And I’m not talking about your nipples, honey. I’m talking about your confidence. If you sit back or do the wallflower thing, you will not lure in the hottie from Chem. But if you do whatever it is you do that makes you feel really good/hot/confident (for me it’s black eyeliner, straight hair and a great pair of jeans) and approach a guy with ease, he will be like putty in your hands.

What was that nine-letter word that describes women to a tee, as exemplified in the above paragraph…oh right, solipsism. Unlike you specimens of the female race, we men do not find confidence in and of itself attractive. We generally prefer you to be somewhat confident, if only because it means you’ll know well enough not to bother us when you shouldn’t – like when we’re hanging out with the guys, playing video games, or sequestered away in the Mancave writing the next great American novel – but it doesn’t give us erections, and it doesn’t make existing erections harder. When guys see you wearing “black eyeliner, straight hair and a great pair of jeans,” they’re not attracted to any confidence you might have, they’re attracted to your cute face, pert boobs, and rockin’ butt.

Yeah, you have to approach him. Or you could wait for him to notice you in your group of 12 friends, think of a way to bust open the circle you guys are standing in and come up with something to say to you. Seriously, just think of something witty and walk over there.

This only works if the guy is already attracted to you. Warpigs and other fuglies need not apply. For elaboration, here’s a post from 11minutes explaining a fundamental difference in how sexual attraction works for men and women:

As stage two put it – a woman posing a provocative question is not just sassy. It is a magic weapon. The man can be Brad Pitt in person – if he falters, reacts emotionally or even just in the socially accepted (expected) way to her test, she will lose attraction. The result is that women can turn any attractive member of the opposite sex into an unattractive person in an instant. It is like turning a hot 9 into an ugly fat chick with the snap of a finger.

For women, attraction is like a thermometer (think PUA terms like “buying temperature“). For men, attraction is like an on-off switch. Shoving yourself onto a guy will get you banged, but it won’t be because he respects your ballsiness, it’s because he’s a horny bugger and you’re offering yourself up as a sacrifice to his dick.

Ok, so you’re standing next to him. Now what do you say?
I have a few tried-and-true lines that get the conversation flowing every. single. time.

- “Whatcha drinkin?” – Easiest line in the book. (Hm, maybe I should write a book!) He’ll tell you, he’ll ask you what you’re drinking, you’ll start some conversation about how the bar always waters down their drinks, soon your drinks will be empty and he’ll be buying you a new one. Boom.

- [Squeeze in next to him at the bar while you battle for drinks] “I think we should work together. How about you try and lure the girl bartender and I’ll use my cleavage to try and get the dude.” Not only are you being cute and openly flirty, but you got him to notice your sex appeal without really asking for it. Plus, teamwork always fosters flirtation and witty banter will follow. I promise you that.

- Bring up something relevant. So, if he’s standing against the wall at a party, say something cute like, “You know the party is more fun if you actually talk to people.” If he’s on the dance floor gettin’ his groove on, compliment his moves. If you run into him at the party store, comment on what he’s buying and ask him where the party’s at. Yes, it all seems cheesy, but these lines get the convo started without making you look dumb/desperate/cliche.

Here’s a better idea – just say you want him to fuck you. Since he’s already attracted to you and you’ve already done the hard work of approaching for him, what you say is utterly meaningless. Unless you seriously repulse him in some way (like mentioning how many STDs you have), you will be going home with him that night.

And that is that. All you need is a little self-love, a few witty lines (which, by the way, I use over and over again. The guys won’t know how many times you’ve tried them before!) and you’re good to go.

“The guys” don’t give a shit about your “pickup lines.” All they care about is whether your breasts are real and if you do anal.

Once you try these out a few times you’ll see how easy picking up a guy can be.

Of course it’s easy, you stupid twat – the normal order of things is that “males display and females choose.” What you’re proposing is that the lamb should knock on the lion’s front door, saving him the trouble of the chase.

Just don’t spit this game in any bar or party I frequent. That’s my territory, ladies.

Actually, ladies, you should “spit this game” everywhere you go. If all of you did this stuff, I and other dudes could get our nuts busted by just walking out the front door. Every man a player!

The sort of thinking on display in this article just amuses the mother-loving crap out of me. Here we have a young woman so utterly clueless about how the other half thinks that she believes that the mere act of getting a penis in her vagina is a great accomplishment. To paraphrase Tyler Durden, she tries to seduce men by being confident and aggressive, as if she was seducing a CHICK. Too bad she doesn’t know that men are fundamentally unchoosy and will stick their dicks in just about anything warm and wet, and that all she’s doing is making it easier for guys to get pussy. Which is cool with me, but bad for the girls who get suckered in by this nonsense.

No, honey, the ability to get a man to fuck you is not “game.” Getting said man to stick around and fall in love after fucking you is. For female readers interested in the latter, you know where to go.