Have you ever heard the term enabler used to describe a family member or friend that helps someone with an addiction problem get their fix. It could even be someone in an abusive relationship that makes excuses for the person who is abusing them. In many ways it does appear that an enabler has a sick symbiotic relationship with the person that is making their life hell. They take responsibility for the actions of the abuser or addict when in reality they are not responsible. They will often believe their enabling behavior is actually helping the addict when in reality all it is doing is perpetuating the problem.
There is a more insidious type of enabling behavior that has little to do with addiction or abuse. What type of behavior is that, you ask? It’s the type of enabling behavior that allows women to demand equality while also demanding special treatment. It is the majority of men who don’t call out women for this kind of behavior. These are men that when asked will strongly support the equality of men and women, and then jump through hoops for a gal when she bats her eyes and says she just can’t do something. Never seeing the obvious contradiction in their behavior.
But the rot goes even deeper than that. It is also the parents of these little princesses that feed this entitled behavior in their daughters. The mothers that pamper their daughters and get the fathers to do the heavy lifting. The fathers who tell their sons to ‘take care of it’ when their daughters claim they just can’t do it. Always inconveniencing the sons to make the lives of their daughters easier, and just like one sees in abusive relationships, the cycle of female entitlement enablers continues.
A couple of weeks ago my mother called me on a Thursday afternoon asking me to drop all of my weekend plans to help my sister move a bunch of her junk to storage. Mind you, this task was hardly necessary, but for some reason, my sister felt it had to be done immediately. My father had already been roped in for the entire weekend and now it was my turn. I flat out refused to change my weekend plans to accommodate my sister. The LTR was pleased.
The LTR and I were over at my parents place recently to have dinner and see them one last time before they left on vacation. My sister is currently living at my parents place while they are out of town. My parents went through a list of items, things like mow the lawn once a week, gather the mail, drive the cars, etc. that they asked my sister to do while they were gone. My sister balked at a couple of items. She asked my parents why I couldn’t come over every week while they are gone (for a month) to perform these tasks that she claims she doesn’t know how to do or cannot do. My parents, of course, told her to not worry about it and that I would take care of it.
I didn’t hear this conversation, the LTR did. Funny enough, it was the LTR who informed me as we were driving home of the conversation between my sister and parents. The LTR was doing quite of good job of covering up her anger at my sister and parents. My reply, ‘so much for equality.’ I asked the LTR if she was surprised by the outcome of the conversation. She replied in the negative. The LTR explained that she was pissed off because my sister was volunteering my time and my parents were agreeing to it without asked me or considering both the LTR’s and my feelings. The LTR doesn’t get to see my much during the week, so she considers the weekends our ‘quality’ time.
The thing is my parents are enabling my sister to continue playing the helpless lamb. If she claims she can’t do something, she’s never challenged to try. If she says she doesn’t feel comfortable doing something, she’s not told to suck it up and give it a shot. ‘Oh, that’s ok, don’t worry about it.’ How could anyone ever expect her to discover and expand her abilities? All of this coddling allows my sister to continue to play the helpless victim. While I love my sister, there are some behavior patterns that I find quite grating. Sadly, given the chance, I would warn most solid dependable men away from becoming involved with her.
