O.K., I am going to weigh into something. I just read some bad advice regarding finding out your partner has cheated.
I am going to give you the blunt, ugly truth as I see it, and it works for both sides, men and women.
Understand the following things before we get started.
My personal view is that if your spouse cheats, get the fuck out, but let’s assume that you don’t want to do that.
Fine.
That is the first thing you need to decide. Do you want to stay.
You need to evaluate whether you can handle being with a person that broke their vows with you.
Often there are children to consider.
There’s your own emotional well-being to consider, and if you are in a death spiral in your relationship and you stay and you’re doing it for the children, well that is probably a mistake.
If you’re out, your out.
If you’re in, then you better be committed because it ain’t going to be easy and not in the way you probably think, but I’m jumping ahead.
One piece of warning, if you stay in the relationship and you think you have it fixed and your beloved lying cheating whore of a spouse does it again (and odds are they will) the pain you are feeling right now is going to be ten times worse.
Second, even if you want to salvage it, your spouse may decide its time to leave.
Alright, what to do?
Counseling?
That never works. It has fail all over it. I know you’re going to want someone else to fix things. It ain’t happening. If it’s the woman who cheated, it’s going to turn into what you did wrong as a guy that led to the cheating and that is only going to make her cheat more.
If it’s the guy that’s cheated, again the counseling will focus on his failings. The guy is going to resent it and you are pushing him into his lover.
Either way it’s worthless and money going down the drain. Money better spent elsewhere.
Edicts?
Forget about it. You’re in a position of weakness and telling someone that they can’t see the other person is going to make it exciting all over again. This is a bad idea.
They may go along with it, they may even say they’re ending it. They’re lying.
They may do the reverse and say that you can’t control them and then you’ve just emasculated yourself, you dumb ass.
So that’s out.
It is also likely that she will try and kick you out of the home. Do not give in to this. Also get a small hand held recording device and keep it with you to record interactions that you’re concerned about. You may have to notify her you are doing this to avoid some privacy laws depending on the state you are in.
Enlisting friends and family? Her friends and family?
O.k., here’s the skinny . . . they already know. If the woman is cheating, you will get no help, if it’s the husband you’ll get sympathy but no help.
It’s a “private matter” and “they don’t want to get involved” at worst they will blame you and punish you for it.
Revenge?
Tempting as that is, it will backfire on you. It makes you look petty, it makes you look weak and she’ll go to him.
If it’s over, go ahead, fuck him or her over if you can, but that stuff gets messy fast and you got to be prepared for the fallout.
So what to do?
Starting to see where this is headed?
If you really want to stay and you want your marriage, there is only one thing you can do:
Seduce.
GAME HER.
That’s right. It won’t feel good to do it, it won’t even pleasant and in a perverse way you are rewarding bad behavior, but if you want that person back, if you want them to pick you, you’re in a competition, you need to seduce her away from her lover.
At the point where you have gamed her sufficiently that you are a strong a pull as he is for her (and yes she will being running off to go fuck him while you are doing this she might even get flagrant about it because its “out” now).
Then you need to instill the fear of loss. You need to get out of the picture. Separate and by this I mean you withdraw as completely as you can. No interactions except if you have children and then you better make sure you have an agreement that you have the kids half the time, or this could backfire in a big way and cost you everything.
At some point her lover may dump her, often that happens.
Your loving spouse will come back to you, but she will not hate him for it. She will hate you for it, you are the fall back, the loser she had no choice to get back with. This is not a win. Be aware.
If you think she’s magically going to fall out of love with him and find that she loved you all the time . . . you are dreaming.
If he dumps her, she will have feelings for him until the day she dies.
So now you know what you have to do, and it still might not work.
You have to game her, you have to make her love you again. You have to make her choose you.
Go back to the first question, do you really want to stay married?
