Perhaps the most bizarre thing about these custody hearings is that they are so predictable. I sat down with an attorney about six weeks ago, and he told me pretty much exactly what would happen, and it did.
Fortunately, it isn’t as bad as it used to be, but it’s no picnic. Here in Washington, when presented with a relocation petition and revised parenting plan by a custodial parent, the non-custodial parent has a month to respond, otherwise the proposed move and accompanying parenting plan goes through.
So, the non-custodial parent has to come up with two parenting plans, one of which proposes change of custody (hardly ever granted), and another which proposes a revised plan in case the move is approved, which is likely to happen. I looked over the terrible parenting plan my ex proposed, which would have stripped me of legal custody of my kids and about 60% of my parenting time, and drew up a new one. My plan in the event of a move included much more extensive vacation time, video conferencing, continuing legal custody, and the opportunity to visit the kids when I want in Canada (which is about three hours away) plus a weekend here a month, so it all worked out to roughly the same amount of time with the kids that I have now. I basically reversed it in the event that custody would be changed.
Commissioner Leonid Ponormarchuk went down the list of factors that determine whether relocation would be permitted, then reminded everyone that there is the presumption of an approval, and proceeded to tick off which ones were pro and which con. It was essentially a wash, so presumption won the day, which I expected, although I was hoping he’d delay the move to give me some time for negotiation.
However, although I was disappointed by losing a substantial amount of leverage, the commissioner chose the parenting plan I proposed, in which I keep legal custody and roughly the same amount of time with the kids, right on the spot. Given that my proposed parenting plan prevailed, the end result will likely be that my time with the kids will be contained in more discrete blocks of time, and during the large majority of vacation days.
I can’t say I’m thrilled about the outcome, but given the circumstances and the reality in family law, it wasn’t half bad. Aside from the fact that my kids will be fairly far away much of the time, what bothers me most is the idea of having to drive an extra 5-10 hours a month during the school year. It could have been a lot worse; it’s actually better in some ways than my current situation, in that I’ll have more quality, stress-free time with the kids, and they’ll have more time with the extended family here in Seattle.
Now, for those who have never been through this, here’s the lesson:
If you put effort into staying with your kids and stick to your guns, you can usually do it. Yes, the deck is still stacked against men, and it’s a pain in the rear, but the days of sole maternal custody and discretion are drawing to an end. Furthermore, many of the presumptions that favor mothers run up against the emerging consensus that fathers and children do, in fact, have the right to substantial time with each other, and create logistical problems that make unilateral decisions on the part of mothers less attractive — women are now having to bear some of the costs of their choices as well.
I certainly can’t claim to have “won,” but I didn’t walk out of the courtroom feeling like I’d lost either. We’ve still got a lot of work to do, but finally some light is emerging at the end of the tunnel.
