There’s been some discussion in comments about what men would do if their daughters divorce, and for those who have adult daughters it’s an important issue. In fact, if your daughter marries, there’s a 50-50 chance she will divorce, and she’ll probably be the one to initiate it. So, as a father, what should you do?
I can only speak as someone who had to deal with former in-laws as the divorcing husband, but that’s a pretty close perspective. First, I should say that I have entirely written those people off, and could care less about what happens to them. As far as I’m concerned, they mean less than a ditch-digger in Calcutta does to me. This is because they got intimately involved in the divorce, and did their best to wreck my life, with some success. My former mother-in-law had a lot of lesbian, feminist friends, which should have been a major red flag. But of course I was totally unconcerned with feminism and these issues before they kicked me right in the teeth. My former father-in-law hated his own father, which was another issue. The happiest I ever saw him was after his father’s funeral — he obviously had a problem with other men. But to be honest, I didn’t really know them all that well before I got married, and like most young men, was very naïve.
Although there were problems on both sides of the marriage, my ex and I being fundamentally incompatible, her parents’ partisanship raised the stakes considerably, and helped create a very hostile environment in which there was little hope of dialog and compromise when it broke down. Her feminist mother urged her to call the police on me in an attempt to jail me before our first hearing (which nearly ended very badly), smeared me in court both personally and through proxies, and generally acted as though it was a “war” (her words). Her father derived some perverse satisfaction in bullying me and withholding my kids from me. At one point he ordered me out of my house under threat, after which he and his daughter removed whatever property they saw fit. As I see it, the man was engaged in robbery.
For the next couple years, my ex’s mother and father continued to back her in her assault, providing her free lodging and childcare as well as hands-on legal work. They were very loyal to their daughter and acted as her protectors and my persecutors throughout the process. In the meanwhile, my mother, stepfather and father offered me moral and financial support at critical junctures, but never got directly involved, and held me responsible throughout. As far as my folks were concerned, it was between the two of us. They cared about me and the children, but ultimately they recognized that both my ex and I had made individual, adult decisions to get married, and that the dissolution of the marriage was between us.
What was the result? Well, I got pretty well wrecked, as is the norm for husbands, but my parents managed to keep themselves out of the worst of it, and because they never tried to take control they’ve maintained a pretty normal relationship with me and their grandkids. Additionally, they never impugned the children’s mother, and she has no particular grudge against them (although, of course, she doesn’t really give a damn about them either).
So what’s up with my ex and her parents? Well, she took their support, but chafed under her mother’s authority, and moved the kids away against her wishes, partially motivated by the desire to get out from under her smothering wing. Her father is the same as he ever was, but as he grows older his influence and intimidation capacity is fading to insignificance. The kids may have less time overall with me than their mother, but most of their vacation time is spent with me and my parents. We take them skiing, camping and on trips across the West, and I’m looking forward to taking them to San Francisco on spring break to visit grandma and grandpa. My folks really made out OK — they’ve got a great relationship with their grandkids. The parents who fought hard for their daughter and against her husband – the ones who turned it into a vindictive feud – make do with a couple weekends a year if their daughter bothers to bring them down from Canada to see them. Her new husband, the adulterous older man who dumped his perfectly decent wife for a much younger married woman with another man’s small children, doesn’t like the in-laws much himself.
In my experience, fighting dirty for your daughter is likely to do little besides guarantee that you will incur significant expense, and may well alienate you from your grandkids. The kind of woman who runs off on her husband isn’t generally the kind who has much in the way of filial loyalty. I saw this in my parents’ generation as well. It is the women who sacrifice for their family who tend to think of their parents, and the women who run off to “fulfill” themselves simply aren’t those types.
It really doesn’t matter much whether it is a son or daughter; the kind of person who pulls the trigger on a marriage because they are “unhappy” is likely to do the same concerning filial responsibilities. However, due to policy and incentives, women deliberately wrecking their marriages outnumber men by some 9 to 1 at this point, so it’s far more likely that your daughter will do it than your son. If it happens, I’d simply suggest saying “you chose to get married — you deal with the divorce.” That way, at least you won’t alienate the other spouse, and at least you won’t end up wasting enormous effort only to get shafted like your child’s ex. We really ought to be honest with each other here: the kind of person who screws over their spouse is exactly the same kind of person who screws over their parents.
When your son or daughter gets married, you “give them up.” Getting involved in their divorce doesn’t bring them back. Quite the contrary. So, unless you fancy yourself a Hatfield or McCoy, i.e. trash, stay out of it.
