[Editor: the following is a very familiar account to those of us who have been through a contested custody case. Readers who want to confirm this need only sit in on family law hearings for a morning or afternoon to see how routine these accusations are. Pugs had a very good outcome, and there is one very important factor that almost certainly helped him a great deal in the case. In the initial separation agreement, his wife shared time with him equally, and then only later changed her tune. If a man can get equal or more custody during the pre-divorce separation, his chances of obtaining primary custody in the final order are astronomically higher. If not, he should probably cut his losses and concede primary custody instead of wasting all that he has on a futile fight. Of course, you should ask a lawyer about this, but men must always go into these situations with realistic expectations.]
By Pugs Fugly
An hour ago, I was sitting in a detective’s office, poring over the details of my ex-wife’s ridiculous statement regarding the “terroristic threat” I had supposedly made, which she felt was a direct attempt on her life. The threat? A two year-old photo I’d posted on Facebook, fourteen months before we’d even separated. The photo was a joke “to-do-list” with her name at the top, crossed-out with a big red “X.” She had already used this photo as the basis for a Protective Order against me, claiming in a sworn affidavit that she had never seen the photo before six weeks ago. Unfortunately for her, she’d commented on the photo the day it was posted, and something two years old can’t magically become a threat just because a bitter, angry woman decides to start grasping at straws.
Yesterday afternoon, I was sitting in a CPS investigator’s office, poring over the details of my ex-wife’s completely groundless accusations that I’d been hurting my four year-old daughter. These were based on some minor medical issues my daughter had, all of which had occurred during the time she spent with her mother. A quick trip to the doctor’s office and a couple of chart copies proved this.
The day before yesterday, I was sitting in court, grinding my teeth and attempting to not show my disdain while my ex-wife spent an hour testifying, every word out of her mouth a complete fabrication. One lie after another. Imagine hearing the details of your marriage as a work of fiction. I found out, for the first time, that I’d been a raging, violent drunk the entire time she’d known me. That I’d physically assaulted her on several occasions, and that I held some extremely radical political and religious views that she felt would be a detriment to my daughter’s mental and emotional well-being, were I allowed any access to her.
The detective laughed once he saw the original post, and told me that he sees this sort of thing all the time; that a disturbingly high percentage of the work he does is processing false claims. The CPS investigator told me they weren’t even going to bother with an investigation, because after interviewing my daughter, it was clear that my ex-wife was making everything up. He also told me that roughly 80% of the cases he has to take the time to investigate and process are false, and they almost always have to do with a custody dispute. My lawyer would go on to deftly knock a dozen holes in my ex-wife’s testimony, and one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was keep from laughing out loud while she verbally stumbled and back-tracked, trying to come up with new lies to cover up the old ones.
I got to say most of what I wanted to while on the stand, though the surreality of the situation has my memory fogged, even if it was only two days ago. If you’ve been in that situation, then you know that afterward, you go over and over it in your head, and eventually get to a point where you can’t tell the difference between what was said and what you wish you had said. You come up with infinitely better responses after the fact. At the very least, I know I frustrated the hell out of my ex-wife’s lawyer, especially given that her entire case was based on a poorly-written fantasy. I’d like to say I feel bad for her, but I don’t. My ex-wife lied to her, not me.
I left and filed for divorce just over a year ago. I could write another three thousand words about all of the things I’ve done during that time to make this process easier for her. I’ve paid bills that weren’t mine, moved an entire apartment full of her furniture by myself, dealt with completely over-blown ambivalence from the in-laws, and lost countless hours of my life that I’ll never get back, listening to the old familiar cry and cuss and moan.
Both feet were planted firmly on the high road the entire time. We had agreed to split time with my daughter and expenses evenly, and we kept that arrangement for the year it took to get to court. I was even happy to shell out a few grand for the legal severance, not wanting her to be out any money when we had agreed on everything. The divorce, while ultimately inevitable (we’d tried everything from marriage couseling to her going to A.A.) was my idea, and I felt a responsiblity to shoulder the burden. The first few months were actually rather pleasant. We’d meet for dinner someplace public to exchange our daughter, so she’d get time with the two us, and see us getting along. We’d talk or text regularly, sharing updates (a lot happens very quickly with a toddler) and each of us letting the other call to say goodnight. I was even allowed to continue seeing my two step-children every weekend.
Then she re-connected with an old boyfriend online, and everything changed. Literally overnight.
Pleasantry was out, acrimony was in. Gone were public meetings for dinner; now we met at the local police station. Gone were the updates, the phone calls, the texts to tell me what amazing new, adorable thing my daughter had done. Also gone was the legal agreement. The old flame had done very well for himself, and this hapless beau was all too happy to cover her lawyer’s exorbitant fees.
Trouble was, he lived 2,000 miles away. Nevertheless, my ex-wife was fully committed to moving there, with my daughter. As court approached, it became clear that she was willing to say and do whatever was necessary to make that happen. She filed a report with the police, and CPS. She showed up to court with a list of accusations so heinous that I spent the morning nauseas and dizzy. She insisted her lawyer grill me on the most trivial, assinine aspects of my life, going back to years before she and I had even met. She would precede all of this by keeping my daughter past the exchange date and filing a completely fraudulent Protective Order against me to justify her actions.
In the end, everything she brought would be laughed out of court. The death knell was her admittance that she was happy to leave her older two children here, living with their dad. Her primary motivation was taking my daughter away from me, and replacing me with the new guy, all to get back at me for leaving her.
I would get primary custody, the right to choose my daughter’s residence, and control over educational decisions. I’ll also be getting several thousand extra dollars a year in child support, which I would have forgone if she hadn’t gone out of her way to make things so difficult. I earn more than enough to cover expenses. The court was simply unwilling to move my daughter away from everything she knew just to facilitate my ex-wife’s new romance. You might say that Not All Judges Are Like That.
I know that my story is as familar as the outcome is unusual. We’ve all heard this before, but the ending is different.
It happened to me because when I met this woman years ago, I didn’t know what I know now. I would discover The Spearhead (and Dalrock, et al) a few months before I finally decided it was time to leave. It was absolutely incredible how quickly and completely life began imitating art. I knew nothing of hypergamous solipsism; which is to say that I’d seen it time and again, but couldn’t explain it. I knew, after years with my ex-wife, that she could rationalize away any behavior (from cuckholdry to adultery, and back again) but I didn’t know why. I’d heard of false accusations, and I’d read about the lengths some women will go to so they can get what they want, but I never thought I’d be caught in the cross-hairs, staring down the barrel of losing both my daughter and my freedom.
This is what you’re in for, gentlemen. This is marriage 2.0. The same woman who tells you today that she will love you until you are dead; that were your relationship to end, there’d be no animosity, will likely prove herself to be a liar, whether you scorn her or not.
I won, and I’m immeasurably thankful for that, but most men lose. Most men in my exact same situation are shackled not only with limited contact with their children, but also a lifetime of debt and meager living, all to finance their ex’s new life. Most men wind up broken, one way or another. I was fully prepared for this, and ultimately, was completely suprised by the judge’s decision. I still haven’t wrapped my mind around the fact that I’m actually going to get to raise my daughter, by myself, and that my ex, at best, will get one weekend a month.
I was honestly prepared to start spending all of my time in the dark, with a bottle of whiskey. Indefinitely.
I wanted to tell this story both as a positive score for men and fathers everywhere, and also to show anyone out there who might feel trapped in a miserable situation that they’re only trapped if they want to be. I’ve had every kind of argument with a woman there is (and even invented a few) and I know that where children are involved, the minute you suggest ending the relationship or divorce, they unload their salvo of “If you leave, you’re never gonna see your child, etc.” What I learned through all of this is that they have exactly the amount of power you choose to give them.
You may be broke. You may be lonely. You may be attempting to cram a month’s worth of time with your children into every other weekend. But in the end, you’ll be happier. Come to terms with the potential loss, and the idea of sticking it out when you dread even coming home from work every day will no longer be appealing. The sound of my ex-wife’s voice induces hives. I’ve been all the way to bottom of the pit, and I came out swinging. You can, too.
At the same time, however, the moral high ground has room for the both of you. If you’re standing up there alone, you may want to re-evaluate why you’re being so nice. If you have the virtue of wanting to do right by people; if you’re compelled to do the right thing, no matter what, then believe me, she knows this and will us it against you.
Your children won’t always be young. If the spouse you’re up against is anything like mine, they will grow to see her as such. They will still love her (she is their mother) but they will love you, too, and more, for being the better person. Right is right, regardless of any legal provision. Know that you are right, and your children will, too.
