Heartiste recently wrote a post on your best option when things go wrong in your love life. He went so far as to call his advice the most important he has ever given:
I’m about to give the best piece of advice you’ll ever hear on this subject. Advice that’s worked for me when I most needed it. Here it is. When you feel that sinking feeling:
Leave.
I’ve recommended the same before, and although I agree that it’s very hard to do, it’s the most important and effective option men have at their disposal.
I can’t stress enough how much trouble this can save men faced with an impending breakup. Heartiste framed it in a different manner. He holds that it’s one of the best ways to get her back and salvage the initiative, whereas I hold it’s the best way to save yourself.
For married men with children, however, this may not seem like an option, but I’d like to elaborate and explain why it’s actually an even better option for them in many circumstances.
First, if you can’t save yourself, you can’t do a thing for your children. Remember that if being a good father is your priority. This is what I’d repeat to any fool who demands you “suck it up” or “take it like a man.” Ask these people what good a broken man is to his children.
When your wife wants to get rid of you in America, she has all the tools in the world to force you out and to take all domestic property by fiat. If you resist leaving, the police will remove you for her, giving you only a few minutes to remove essentials such as a few items of clothing and personal effects like your toothbrush and razor. It’s far better to preempt this and leave of your own accord. At least that way you have more time to take what you need to get by, and there’s no opportunity for manufactured “incidents” that you’ll have to pay an attorney to explain away in court.
Furthermore, if you disappear for a while she can’t serve you with anything. This will buy you time. Maybe you can go stay with a friend, or even camp in some state park if you must (I’d recommend avoiding your parents — they will sell you out for the grandkids). Even better, take a leave of absence and flee the country for a while. While gone, she can allege whatever she wants against you, but it has no standing in court if you haven’t been given the chance to defend yourself. Even protection orders are worthless if they aren’t properly served. And if you’re the one who ran for it, she can’t accuse you of stalking or harassment, which is practically standard these days.
You might think this will hurt your chances for getting equal custody with your kids, but guess what: you won’t get it anyway. Being absent will simply make it easier to avoid accusations of abuse. The courts don’t really care how much time you spent with your kids before separation — the idea is simply to make the man pay taxes and court fees to support the process and all the parasites involved in it. So long as you haven’t had to run the gauntlet of social workers you’ll get standard visitation if you ask for it.
If you stay away long enough, your ex will start to really understand just how much she’s been relying on you to handle necessities for her, even if that’s exactly what made her feel so much contempt for you in the first place. When she gets a real taste of what it’s like to be a single mother, she’ll be begging you to come back and help her out again. But here’s where you have to be strong. Don’t let sentimentality get the better of you. Make her cut a deal before you resurface IRL.
In most cases, discretion is the better part of valor. In today’s world, what that means for men is that they should be the ones to take the initiative and bail out when there’s smoke in the cabin and the warning alarms are blaring.
It often pays to listen to the old foxes who have been in the game for decades, even if they’ve never been married or had children. Our complacency as family men is our greatest weakness, and a little awareness can go a long way.
