I recently read Buzzfeed’s exposé on Paul Elam, and frankly I think it fell flat. For the same reason, I might add, that I think Elam’s brand of MRA falls flat for a lot of younger guys today.
Essentially, it’s a rehash of the same old mutual recriminations so popular in the 80s and 90s. A lot of old feminists will feel vindicated by the article, and a lot of older MRAs will be angry about it. But the problems younger men face are of an entirely different nature, the destruction of traditional family being a fait accomplit for some time now, so I don’t think this changes anything.
What the article boils down to is this: Paul Elam is an asshole.
OK, well, that isn’t exactly news to anyone who has dealt with him personally, or read his articles for that matter. But he’s an asshole who has made salient points about gender issues during the very important transitional period during the 1980s.
Elam’s experience proves, for example, that telling your wife and kids to screw off when your marriage goes bad is a better strategy if you’re concerned about yourself than trying to be a niceguy. What could be a more damning indictment of feminism than that?
Furthermore, it proves that being an asshole doesn’t torpedo one’s prospects with women. Quite the opposite, in fact: Paul’s many walks down the aisle are testament to the fact that there’s something about the guy that contemporary women find appealing. Elam’s a major hit with women to this day. And I don’t write this out of envy; on the contrary, I think his popularity with women has probably been his biggest problem in life (Futrelle wouldn’t understand).
However, the part about his daughter is truly sad. From what I know personally of Paul Elam, he actually likes his daughter, and has affectionate feelings toward her. I’d go so far as to say there’s some love there. I think being estranged from her truly hurts him. I bet it hurts her, too.
So I hope Bonnie – if that’s her real name – can eventually come to love her dad for who he is without taking it personally. I learned to do that despite having a problematic father myself, but it requires a philosophical acceptance that is rarely encouraged these days. Of course, as I am also an imperfect father, I hope my kids can forgive my failings and find it within themselves to love me flaws and all.
When considering Paul’s life after his first marriage, it’s important to keep in mind that the man was faced with the loss of his children no matter what he did, and if he chose self-preservation it was only because the alternative was martyrdom, and men shouldn’t have to face that choice just to be fathers.
So if feminists were to say to me that Paul Elam proves that MRAs are terrible people, I’d respond by saying “he’s the product of your philosophy, not mine.”
