Americans are raised on a plethora of proverbs like "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." Persistence is valued as a great virtue. Of course, we've all experienced too much of a good thing, as anyone who's had a stalker can tell you. W.C. Fields said, " If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."
Recently, I learned of a guy who's been interested in a young woman for a while. Only recently has he become emboldened enough to pursue her. Trouble is, she's sorta kinda still got lots of drama with an ex, and isn't really available in the way he would like. Plus, she is not attracted to him. This has all become clear to him as he has witnessed her out with her ex, heard that they're still fighting/hooking up, and confronted her, only to be rejected outright.
His response to this situation as described over beers with a mutual friend?
"I'm not giving up, I'm going to keep trying. I'll get her."
When is persistence a bad thing, a creepy thing, a thing that makes you look and act like a tool?
I was only eight when the Beatles exploded onto the U.S. scene. I played their records on my tiny phonograph and dreamed about Paul. That summer I organized a neighborhood karaoke contest (yes, I was an attention whore even then). I chose to perform the B side of She Loves You, a 1963 song called I'll Get You that remains one of my favorite Beatles songs, even though it was never a hit.
Oh yeh, oh yeh.
Imagine, I'm in love with you,
It's easy 'cos I know,
I've imagined, I'm in love with you,
Many, many, many times before.
It's not like me to pretend,
But I'll get you in the end,
Yes I will, I'll get you in the end, oh yeh, oh yeh.
I think about you night and day,
I need you 'cos it's true.
When I think about you, I can say,
I'm never, never, never, never blue.
So I'm telling you, my friend,
That I'll get you, I'll get you in the end,
Yes I will, I'll get you in the end, oh yeh, oh yeh.
Well, there's gonna be a time,
Well I'm gonna change your mind.
So you might as well resign yourself to me, oh yeh.
Charming, even noble, but is it good advice?
Eric Barker wrote about persistence, and throwing in the towel in Can Being a Quitter Pay Off?
"The notion that persistence is essential for success and happiness is deeply embedded in popular and scientific writings. However, when people are faced with situations in which they cannot realize a key life goal, the most adaptive response for mental and physical health may be to disengage from that goal."
Scientists followed 90 adolescents for a year, and kept track of the physiological effects of unattainable goals. Kids who refused to quit had higher concentrations of an inflammatory molecule C-reactive protein (CRP), which is linked to bad stuff like obesity, smoking and depression.
Don't make yourself sick longing for something you will never have.
