A collection of responses to a Nigerian Christian young man struggling to assert himself and retain his faith within a toxic Matriarchal environment.
Readership: Christian Men
Theme: Level Up!
Note: Memes contributed by Tubal Cain.
Length: 5,200 words
Reading Time: 28 minutes
Intro
The previous 5 posts covered the main body of 3 lengthy emails I received from Eric, a young Christian man in Nigeria. Eric’s purpose for writing to me was to obtain some feedback from Christian men about his life circumstances. In short, he’s struggling against a devouring mother foremost, and secondly, he’s seeking to regularly attend a Bible-based church fellowship, and churches of this kind are all very far from his home. He’s also trying to find a job and build a career, and readers have pointed out that this is the most important issue to settle first.
I shared Eric’s email with Catacomb Resident, Deep Strength, Oscar, Red Pill Apostle, Surfdumb, and Thedeti, as he requested. Others responded via comments. Their responses are below. [Some comments are lightly edited for clarity and emphasis.]
Responses from Catacomb Resident / Tomb Refugee
Mercy, he wrote a small book. I could write a longer one in reply, as you well know, but this will take time. He has the basic truth but lacks the kind of moral approval to act on it. Well, we need to give him that approval.
His mother has a Controlling Spirit, a peculiar type of Nephilim that squelches faith in those around its host. The sooner he leaves that home, the better. Until he seizes his own faith and lives on his own, he is doomed to continue suffering. Everything else he proposes to do is just fine. I don’t know enough about the context in Nigeria to say much more than that.
I’d love to see this man’s life in his social context. I have no idea what is considered socially acceptable in his world, but my experience with Africans over the years tells me that matriarchy is a major problem for the whole continent. The good part is that this man is experiencing the urges of conviction. The bad thing is that it’s all he has.
It’s time to run away from home. I have to wonder if there would be anyone at his preferred church who would help him out. Again, I know too little of his social context.
I fear that he would virtually not be able to find any support from anyone he knows. While I’ve met Nigerians who didn’t suffer from matriarchy, it’s a big country with different regions and varying social structures. I suppose we can pray that he encounters someone who will prod him to move away from home.
I’m sure we all know that simple written words will not help this fellow. He needs to see for himself a man who handles bitchy manipulation like that. He needs to see the cold, silent stare of a man who refuses to be drawn into such arguments. He needs to see “don’t answer, just act” because no answer will suffice for a soul controlled by demons.
Responses from Deep Strength
I’m in agreement with Oscar that this is a devouring mother situation.
I’m reminded of one quote I heard one time from a pastor that stuck with me when responding to someone’s relationship problems.
“You are unique, but your situation is not unique.”
Human behavior across continents, cultures, and socioeconomic statuses is all the same. The Bible lays it out for all to see. Contentious wives are contentious wives.
If their home life is really that much of a net negative on them, both spiritually and mentally, that they really can’t get a job and build a life, then Eric and his brother need to move out and live their own lives.
Oscar is right. [See his input below.] This is more or less similar to physical or emotional abuse situations where all the counseling in the world isn’t going to help the person form good boundaries.
You can only form them once you leave the situation.
Leave or stay. There is no in between.
The only way you will grow is if you leave. Find the job and go.
The longer you stay, the more trapped in the web you will be. Failure to launch, as most people call it.
Response from Joe2
What I see missing is … exactly what he is doing now to earn some money? Yes, he is living at home, which cuts down on expenses, but he still needs money to pursue other goals, even just hobbies. Is he totally dependent on his parents for money? If he is, that’s not good.
Next, he found his time in the National Youth Service Corps rewarding. The young men he was around may or may not have been Christians. I think what he learned in the Pentecostal church provided an adequate foundation for him to interact with his peers, develop bonds, and not fall into sin. I think he should recognize that the Pentecostal church was of value to him [in this respect].
Finally, I see him trying to escape and live in a Christian bubble where everyone agrees with everyone else. The real world is different, and he needs to have the confidence that his Christian foundation is adequate to leave home.
“How could I ever find a wife while I am under the influence of a controlling mother? And for all I know, my future wife might simply continue where she left off, or even conspire with my mother to hold me back and tear me down.”
To allay these fears, I think he needs to move on to the next stage of his involvement with the Reformed Baptist church that sponsored the conference and its sister churches in his region.
He needs to ascertain the best he can whether the young unmarried women in the church are supportive of patriarchy and submission. He could gain insight by speaking to other young men, reviewing the pastor’s sermons on this topic, socializing in mixed singles groups at church and conferences, attending mixed bible studies, having discussions with young married men, etc.
It would be unfortunate if he assumed that all the young women were on board, only to find out much later that it wasn’t true.
Let me assure you, Eric, that you are being wise by seeking the help of the men on this blog. They are providing truthful feedback even though it may be difficult to implement.
It all comes down to priorities. You need to establish your priorities and focus on those that are most important. Right now, your #1 priority should be finding a job and moving out. It is important that you don’t lose this focus and get sidetracked.
I don’t know your relationship with the men at the Pentecostal church, but I wouldn’t dismiss out of hand any assistance or insight they may have in helping you find a job. It’s not about religion; it’s about finding a job.
Response from Kevin Blackwell
If someone was interested in my advice, I would say, don’t ask your mother and don’t tell her anything. Even if she asks, just shrug. Ignore her complaints. That is how you keep the peace. She will never be content, no matter what you do. She will control everyone until they are destroyed and then blame them for failing.
Responses from Oscar
Boy, that sure sounds like a devouring mother situation.
- Overbearing wife
- Passive husband
- Daughters turned into girl-bosses
- Sons deliberately stunted
“You don’t have to do anything, but you can’t leave. She’s deeply, deeply, deeply terrified that if she helps that boy grow up, he will leave, and she’ll have nothing.”
Dr. Jordan B. Peterson
“To escape a devouring mother (or the effects of an absent or rejected father), a young man has to embrace masculinity and agency. He has to physically separate from his mother. Move out of her house. Get a job. Pay his own bills. Wash his own laundry. Do everything for himself that he can. Take responsibility for his own life. His plight is not his fault, but it’s in his lap. He can either take ownership of the situation and reach escape velocity, or he can remain stuck for life. It’s not fair, but those are his options.”
27 is very late to try and reach escape velocity. He needs to escape now! Inertia is real. A man at rest tends to stay at rest. A man in motion tends to stay in motion. A man who stays at rest for too long stays at rest permanently.
I see a lot of planning and thinking, but very little doing. That’s a bad sign.
In all labor there is profit, But idle chatter leads only to poverty.
Proverbs 14:23 (NKJV)
I see that he has no sense of urgency, when in fact, it very much is time to panic. There are certain milestones a man has to hit by a certain age in order to have a satisfying life. If he doesn’t hit those milestones, it becomes increasingly difficult to achieve what he wants the older he gets. Eventually, it becomes impossible.
Get moving. Now!
“On my own, I now spend time reading, learning, and watching things I wish I had been taught while growing up, topics I believe are either missing in Nigeria or not voiced loudly enough. One of those is masculinity.”
More passivity, very little activity.
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.
James 1:22 (NKJV)
Additionally, masculinity cannot be learned “on my own”. It’s good to learn the theory, but God designed us to learn best by observation and practice. That can only happen shoulder-to-shoulder with other men, preferably while doing something constructive.
It shouldn’t be surprising that the brightest point in this story so far was the National Youth Service Corps, where the young man was far from home, surrounded by fellow men, and doing something, as opposed to contemplating.
As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.
Proverbs 27:17 (NKJV)
Enough navel-gazing. Do something!
24 Therefore, whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: 25 and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.
Matthew 7:24-25 (NKJV)
“My mother opposes [my] Reformed beliefs…”
Don’t be fooled! She doesn’t give a damn about Reformed beliefs. She wants to maintain control over her son-husband, and the Reformed Baptist church just happens to be the thing that’s pulling him away from his devouring mother at the moment.
“I know if I try to go to church next week, my mother will complain.”
You can’t hear her complain if you’re living somewhere else.
For your own sake, stop explaining and arguing with people who don’t care about what you think, and only want to control you. Get a job — any job that’ll support you — and move out. The longer you stay, the harder it’ll be to leave. You’re 27. You’re a grown man. Start taking responsibility for your own life.
Or, stay, and stop complaining.
Your choice.
I understand that everyone here has good intentions, but trying to teach this young man how to deal with his devouring mother is a waste of his time, his energy, and his life, so stop it.
There is no dealing with, or handling a devouring mother. There is no reasoning with, or arguing with, or explaining anything to a devouring mother. There is no “agree and amplify” or “calling out behavior” with a devouring mother.
A devoured son has exactly two viable options.
- Submit to his devouring mother.
- Leave his devouring mother.
That’s it. There are no other viable options.
This young man is 27. He should’ve left 5 years ago. He’s wasting precious years of his life. Every minute that he wastes trying to argue with, reason with, explain to, “agree and amplify” or “call out behavior” with his devouring mother hurts him and does nothing to change her, so stop it.
Worse, if he musters up the courage to leave, it’ll take him years of growing into masculinity before he’ll be able to attract a woman who isn’t a younger version of his devouring mother. Giving him the false, futile hope that he can “agree and amplify” his mother into better behavior delays that process even further, so stop it.
If this young man wants to have a fulfilling life, he needs to leave now.
Stop arguing, stop explaining, stop trying to reason.
Run!
Run like your life depends on it, because it does.
Or, choose comfort over independence, submit to your devouring mother, and stop complaining about it.
Either way, make your choice, and live with it.
Response from Red Pill Apostle
The first suggestion that I would have is that he needs to avoid getting lost in the details and contemplate the core issue or issues. I read what Eric wrote to you very quickly because of the length and because many of the details are not absolutely pertinent to getting advice. In fact, the extra detail most likely hinders advice. [Jack: That is why I rewrote his email in 5 posts.]
Here is what I think the issues are. He lives on a continent with a history of leaning towards matriarchy. Like Feminism in the West, matriarchy is baked into the [African] culture to the point where people living there don’t recognize it. His mother is what we’d call a controlling helicopter parent. We don’t need to know why she is this way to be able to suggest that he continue to create healthy boundaries by deciding for himself what he wants to do in life and then pursuing those goals. He should love his mother and do so by having healthy boundaries for what he will and will not accept from her. Those boundaries need to be presented for what they are: his enforcement of the space required for the relationship to be loving as it should be.
Some separation from parents is necessary, especially for men who are to go out into the world and conquer their little piece of it.
One of the telltale signs of the problems he is experiencing is linked to how parents nurture. Mothers nurture inwardly, protecting kids from the boo-boos the outside world inflicts. Fathers nurture outwardly, preparing their children to go out into the world equipped to thrive. Kids need both, but it appears that Eric has had more of the former and less of the latter.
Lots of the things that he should consider doing are dependent on his ability to support himself. Can he get a job that will give him the necessary income to be independent? If not, can he get one? If he can’t get one, what training or education does he need to be able to be gainfully employed?
Eric needs the confidence that comes from self-determination, and that won’t happen until he’s created a life that will allow him to be free of his parents’ purse strings. The goal is independence, and the means is income/money. The specific steps he needs to take depend on where he wants to be and what he needs to do to get there.
Response from SurfDumb
Thank you for forwarding this, and I’m very glad you are getting rewarded with such requests.
Let’s get to the obvious that others will probably stress — a fitness program can help increase boldness and job usefulness. Pushups, pull-ups, and squats with water jugs are house-bound options.
Here’s another obvious point that others will write more about. Eric has a mother issue to resolve. But we only know this because of him pointing it out, so I want to go gently there. I can relate. I’m also the youngest and had a hovering mother, and stayed home much longer than my sister and brother.
Another one, others will say: Explore other jobs. I’m partial to infrastructure, and I train and test water operators and know that there are a lot of satisfying jobs in drinking water, wastewater, electrical, and road work. Some jobs are hard physical work, and some jobs are rather routine and relatively easier, such as a lab worker.
Here are my takes.
- God bless you [Eric] for giving you a spiritual hunger and understanding to keep going spiritually and not be satisfied in Pentecostalism. That’s amazing. I’d say, as you are moving from a static life to a dynamic life and start developing new habits and a new life, set aside some time to continue practicing gratitude and the prayer life that I’m guessing you already have. God did such amazing things. In other words, new good actions will have great results, as it should happen in a growth process; however, the temptation might be to overly rely on yourself and forget that God did so much for you as a mostly home-bound guy. Getting out and doing things will open up so much and put meat on your faith. After you have separated from your parents, you’ll be better able to see your Mom correctly. There is a saying that describes this growth process: “A moving ship is easier to steer than a stopped one.” Getting a job and looking for a place to live will help make the porn temptation smaller, too.
- Yes, the Mom is toxic. I’ve been to charismatic churches, but ended up also hearing R.C. Sproul and went that way. Regarding your Mother’s hearing from God, you are right, that’s spiritual rubbish. However, there is evidence and reasoning for that, and a good resource for that is the podcasts at StandtoReason.Org. Greg Koukl runs that and takes calls, and spends time on situations like yours.
- I’m not sure how much you need an overseas mentor, considering how well you are doing. I could see a friend being more useful than an advice-giver. (Go see your computer colleague Mike more often and witness to him.) But I’m saying that because it sounds like you have a promising start with a new church. If you didn’t have that, then it would be different.
- Other growth takes time, and that’s where a friend and a good church will help. You may get so much advice from here as to be overwhelmed, so I’m for him focusing on attending a good church, finding a job, and moving out as actionable steps. Once you get going on those, you can have more specific prayer requests about each of those.
- I need to up my prayers for him getting a job and moving out of the house.
Response from Thedeti
I agree with Oscar: Eric has 2 choices. Submit to his mother and do what she demands; or leave the household and live his own life. Either way, he needs to make a choice and start walking out that choice.
You’re 27 years old. If you stay and submit, accept this as your life and make the best of it. If you leave, accept this as your life and make the best of it.
If you leave your devouring mother (as Oscar accurately described her), prepare yourself for a sh!tstorm of bad blood and angry reaction. This is how devouring mothers respond to their children leaving their mothers’ spheres of influence. You will have to set very hard boundaries with her and limit her involvement in your life. That will be difficult and will feel very, very uncomfortable for a while.
Your parents might cut you off financially, emotionally, and socially. You need to get financially self sufficient as soon as you can, and move out. You need to get ready to live poor. You need to be able to live “in a shoebox at the side of the road”, as they say. Whatever you earn, you need to find a way to make it on that.
Good luck.
Response from Thnking
In response to Part 4, arguing with female family, no matter what you actually said, they will respond as though you said, “I don’t care”, and “You’re wrong”.
So, if you want to not be exhausted every time your mom makes a dustup, just go straight to that perspective as soon as things kick off.
Pray for God to put right words in your mouth, and practice the mindset to speak truth without needing to think about it. Say things in the mirror, or while driving, to set them firmly in your heart.
Look at Incident 3 [in Part 4] as an example:
“I tried to explain my position using scripture, but she just resorted to insults (. . .)”
Nothing of what you said even registered with her. Nothing of what you said registered with any of your sisters. Don’t bother presenting your chain of logic over and over to be ignored.
The only argument she and they had was “You’re mean and stupid”. The only argument they will listen to is “You’re wrong, and I’m right because God says so”.
Don’t bother citing references for them to ignore, just declare the conclusion.
A few months ago, I had a similar argument with my own mom. She says, “You’re a sexist!” I say, “God’s a sexist, I’m in good company”, and she sputtered insults and ill will until Dad broke it up. It has not come up since. My situation is plainly not as bad as yours, but the basic principle should be applicable anywhere.
The important thing is, women don’t think or argue like men. If you try to debate or to cite sources, it’s a waste of time.
Oscar has the right of it here. Get out or drown, those are your options.
Response from Jack
I don’t know the situation on the ground where Eric lives, but there are news reports of Christian genocide in Nigeria. If this is a real threat where Eric lives, or if there is a lot of crime or street gang activities in the area, then perhaps his parents have had a good reason to keep him indoors and chauffeur him around everywhere.
However, Eric’s situation of having a controlling, devouring mother is undeniable, regardless of the wider social context, and I believe this dynamic is much more prevalent in Nigeria, and probably all of Africa, than he, or anyone, might imagine. From what I have read about Nigerian culture, I surmise that a matriarchal social structure might even be a cultural norm there. If I am correct, there are probably hundreds of thousands, or even millions of young men in Nigeria who are caught in the very same predicament that Eric conveyed.
I believe Eric has rejected Pentecostalism, not so much because of its doctrine or the church itself, but because of his mother’s domineering control over the family, including all the men (Eric, Brian, and especially their father), and how she has deceptively co-opted certain doctrines of Pentecostalism to unrighteously exert her authority and all her fastidious scruples over the family. The way I understand the situation, she is essentially using God’s name in vain — a major sin that causes others to blaspheme and/or reject God’s authority.
It is just as St. Paul wrote to Titus almost 2,000 years ago [emphasis mine].
1 But as for you, speak the things which are proper for sound doctrine: 2 that the older men be sober, reverent, temperate, sound in faith, in love, in patience; 3 the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things — 4 that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.
Titus 2:1-5 (NKJV)
Eric’s mother displays none of these qualities, quite the opposite in fact. But to his credit, instead of blaspheming God’s Word, or Christians, or the church, which would’ve been most people’s knee-jerk reaction, Eric studied the scriptures more closely, with the help of Reformed pastors and teachers he found online, and found that his mother’s faith was misinformed, perhaps a reflection of her particular church’s doctrines or else the wider culture.
Eric attempted to correct his mother several times, but due to her incorrigibility, he eventually gave up and left her to her own beliefs. Perhaps more significantly, the Pentecostal church had done nothing to correct her, but rather had encouraged such behaviors. Alternatively, it could be that others at that church had modeled this bad, foolish, pagan-like behavior so much for so long that it has become the norm there. Or perhaps the church is mirroring the wider culture, just as Complementarianism does in the West, or so I might guess.
Nevertheless, I agree with Joe2, that attending the Pentecostal church (yeah, even his mother’s church) may very well put him into contact with men who might help him secure a paying job. So Eric should not reject the idea of attending the Pentecostal church from time to time, keeping in mind that his purpose there is not to feed his spiritual needs, but rather to network with other men and find employment.
Furthermore, Eric’s mother’s behavior is so destructive and devouring that it has destroyed their whole family, and perhaps even ended their family line due to no grandchildren (as of yet), despite her having 7 children. I don’t understand how Eric’s father could have tolerated her controlling ploys, her opprobrious Gaslighting, and her ridiculous emotional fits for so many years. I might even guess that her behavior is what subconsciously motivated him to have that affair years ago. (Not justifying it, just saying, that’s how the cookie crumbles. When women behave this way, it literally pushes their men into the arms of other, more feminine, more submissive women. It is very difficult for men to resist this temptation if it is available to them.)
IMO, Eric’s mother’s behavior borders on Jezebel-like behavior, or even Athalia, who killed her own children in her own ambitions. (Note the similarities in undermining the men, destroying the children, and ending the family line, as I mentioned above.) I’ll stop short of calling Eric’s mother a Jezebel outright, out of respect to Eric, and besides, I can’t know that for sure. But I encourage Eric to read through the posts I wrote about Jezebel listed below, and think and decide for himself. And I know that you’re already well aware of the fact that she’s your mother, so you still need to honor her, although you may not always want to obey her.
I applaud Eric for his faith, fortitude, and patience in all this, and I pray that this testing may contribute to his eternal glory as a saint. Yes, it shall, if he endures to the end and does not give up.
Eric, here is the moral approval to act on your convictions that Catacomb Resident spoke of. I’ll even go so far to say that the comments offered here by all of us are the literal Word of the Lord concerning this young man’s life.
There comes a time in a young man’s life when he must begin to make decisions for himself and to take responsibility for those decisions. That’s part of what it means to be a man. In some situations in which parents are not acting Biblically, like in Eric’s case, that means that he must disobey his parents, and/or leave their house and authority. This is NOT a sin, but simply a difficult and messy step of developing masculine maturity, and also, in some cases, like Eric’s, securing one’s faith.
It might help if you can talk to your parents about this and tell them that you love them and you appreciate what they have done for you in the past, but that now you’re a grown man, and you have to make your own way in life — with or without their support. Yes, they will be hurt, but they should understand that it’s something that you must do. Even if they don’t understand, you must do it anyway. Even if they fight you, Gaslight you, shame you, and try to hamstring you (as you have described), you must do it anyway. That persecution and suffering are part of the cost that you must pay to obtain your Spiritual Freedom in the Lord. I pray that you may be counted worthy of these sufferings. If it is any consolation, every Christian man has gone through similar sufferings, but in different contexts. Following the Lord and one’s faith convictions is not easy. But that’s what makes us real men of faith.
That said, I agree with the others that it’s long past time for Eric and his brother Brian to move out of the house. Maybe the two of them could pool their resources and establish a place for themselves outside the home. Eric should also invite his brother Brian to come to church with him and introduce him to people there, especially people who might be able to help them find a job. I urge you to lean heavily on the church and tell them that your situation is dire, that you can no longer live at home and still cling to the faith with a good conscience. Tell them you will be living on the street unless they can help (and you must be ready to actually do this for a time, if necessary). Put your foot down and show them your determination, your willingness to endure hardship under the weight of your convictions, and I believe they’ll come through for you. They’ll think you’re a bother and a headache, but they’ll silently respect you for it. But remember, it is not these people that you’re putting your trust in; it is the Lord who will come through for you, through them. But even if your help does not come from them, then your deliverance will certainly come through other means. Trust in the Lord to do this for you, and He will.
This is a real test of manhood for Eric — to do whatever it takes to fulfill his purpose — even if his purpose is only to assert his determination to be independent, financially and otherwise, and self-willed in life. This is NOT selfish. It is HARD! It is an act of FAITH! I believe that if Eric begins with this purpose and sticks with it for a time, he’ll soon find his larger purpose in life, whatever that may be. Step by step, the journey of a thousand kilometers begins with a single step. You do not know the way, but you do know your destination — in Spirit, even if not IRL. You can envision it clearly with the eyes of faith.
In closing, Eric, you should know that I, Jack, and others here are praying for you and will continue to do so. Please keep me/us informed of how you are doing from time to time.
Related
- Σ Frame (Jack): The Spirit of Jezebel (2023/11/15)
- Σ Frame (Jack): The Spirit of Athaliah (2023/11/16)
- Σ Frame (Anonymous Contributor): More on the Spirits of Jezebel and Athaliah (2023/11/17)
- Σ Frame (Jack): Where Shame Tactics become Witchcraft (2023/11/28)
- Σ Frame (Jack): How to Identify and Deal with the Jezebel Spirit / Witchcraft (2023/12/21)
- Σ Frame (Jack): Christian Headship Authority (2024/1/10)
- Σ Frame (Jack): The Manosphere Blogger’s Prayer (2024/6/15)
- Σ Frame (Oscar): Son-Husbands and Devouring Mothers (2025/1/10)
- Cooper Stuff: Cooper Stuff Ep. 227 – Christian Genocide in Nigeria w/ Mike Arnold (2025/11/17)
- Fox News: Nigeria named epicenter of global killings of Christians over faith in 2025, report says (2026/1/13)
