The important role of others in finding, building, and maintaining a good marital relationship / family / community.

Readership: All
Targeted Readership: Men
Theme: Community
Author’s Note: This post is a summary of an email exchange between Red Pill Apostle, Thedeti, Oscar, Caterpillar345, and Jack on 2023/8/29.  Coauthored with Oscar.
Length: 1,700 words
Reading Time: 9 minutes

Intro

In our review of IOIs and Vetting back in September and October of 2023, it became apparent that the involvement of family and community (Part I) is an important part of marriage and the process of choosing a mate. The only way vetting can reliably work is if there is a small community of caring individuals involved.  Ideally, the two families will have known each other for years, farts, warts, quirks, and all.  In the past, Christians often met one another through church or a tight Christian community, but this is not very common anymore.

So let’s examine a few aspects of culture, community, and family in view of how women’s behavior in the mating dance is affected.

The Atomized MMP

The way dating in general, including Christian dating works these days is that a couple meets on their own, perhaps at a school function, or through a group of friends, or by going away to college, or (increasingly) online…  but NEVER through family. These couples purposefully avoid social scrutiny, and become privatized rather quickly. As a result, young couples have no guidance or oversight that would encourage them to have a serious mindset about their relationship. Science geeks might draw an analogy to “negative phototropism” — when budding organisms grow away from light. This context breeds fornication and relationships that invariably turn out to be short-term. Couples hardly ever meet each other’s families until she’s at the point where she’s ready to “settle down” (usually after a long ride) and he’s already heavily invested in her.  Furthermore, her family will be on their best behavior when she brings him home.  Good luck convincing him to heed the red flags then, if he can even see them.

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The Influence of Feminist Churchianity

Western culture treats boys like they’re defective girls, and men like they’re defective women.  In the church, young women are considered to be Proverbs 31 Princesses, and adults think that girls are just better people than boys are.  Current evangelical church theology assumes that women just develop better character on their own, and are better at it than boys.  Women’s solitary weakness is assumed to be “a Lack of Self-Esteem”.*

Dalrock pointed out that one of the main reasons women DON’T develop moral character is because parents do not think they need to teach such things to girls.

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Nowadays, thanks to Dalrock et al., we recognize all this as classic gynocentrism.

If you know the woman in question grew up in this kind of church environment, then you can expect her to behave like a bridled and muzzled feminist. Worse, certain traits harmful to marriage longevity, such as entitlement and hypoagency, are fully encouraged as virtues using false interpretations of scripture.  That’s an automatic Red Flag in vetting, no matter how well she knows the Bible.

The Importance of Family Life and Upbringing

Fathers play a major role in helping their daughters work on character development.

Thus, marital success is strongly predicted by whether a girl is on good terms with her father, a proxy for God Himself. Likewise, this characteristic is also a very important qualifier for her worthiness of marriage.

In terms of vetting, given the relative importance of interpreting IOIs within the proper context of the woman’s character and history, the first observation a man should make of a woman who is displaying IOIs is to observe the girl’s relationship with her father, and watch how both her and her mother interact with her father.  What he sees going on in her own family dynamics is what the man is in for if he marries her.  Even if she does have decent character, if she has a mercenary mother, then rest assured, there are some latent nasties just waiting for the ripe conditions of marriage to emerge.

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A man who is already married to it might be able to change these patterns, but not without years of diligent hard work, vigilant prayer, and faith in the grace of God. NOT recommended. Paging Red Pill Apostle and Thedeti.

* Jack’s take on women’s “lack of self-esteem” is picked apart in No More Mrs. Hot Mess! (2021/11/29).

The Importance of a Moral Community

This article from Aaron Renn speaks of the influence that a moral community can have.

“Even without a tipping point, moral communities can still be powerful. The Quakers are a Christian example I’ve mentioned before. In 19th century England, which was the land of shady dealers and “caveat emptor”, people sought out Quakers to do business with because they were known to be trustworthy. They didn’t lie, steal, or sell products they knew were dodgy. They were, as one person put it, a “moral mafia.”

But for the minority rule to even plausibly come into play, that requires that you actually have a unified minority that functions as a moral community.”

Aaron Renn: The End of Moral Standards (2023/9/28)
img-1783679548-6a50ca3ce564c3.36483642.jpgEarly 20th century Quakers.

Oscar has stated that he is a member of such a community, saying,

“We already have that where I live. Don’t think that means everyone will love you. The World will hate you, just as it hates Christ, and as your community becomes more effective, they’ll hate you more.

Regardless, this is how we win, through simple Christian living and obedience to God.”

On what men can do to achieve this, Catacomb Resident wrote,

“You cannot extend your covenant covering over anyone outside your tribe who does not at least temporarily submit to your authority from God.”

“You cannot bless anyone who does not submit to your personal dominion in terms of the covenant law code.”

“You should learn to reject all the manipulative pleas for charity that do not assume a priori your feudal authority in the Lord. The sense of false guilt is a lie from Hell. Random Americans have no claim on you, much less foreigners. The only question is what response will most clearly glorify the Lord, given that they have no clue about covenants. The point is that you should learn to discount any false sense of moral obligation. There is none outside the Covenant.”

Catacomb Resident: Peace Not Possible (2023/9/29)
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Vetting is Inadequate if it doesn’t Consider the Outliers

So far, these observations lend support to Oscar’s Female Virtue Theory, namely that women need to make some progress in developing character before men can take them seriously.

However, a couple of case studies* have shown that just because a man is pursuing his purpose and is on top of his Game, or just because the woman is displaying strong consistent IOIs to him, or even just because the woman is a true virgin, none of this guarantees a successful LTR / marriage.  Of course, it is much more likely to happen, especially if all three of these conditions are present.  Still, there’s always that small pesky possibility that hard hitters could bunt or swing south on the next inning — and those odd outliers are exactly what we need to be careful of in vetting.

And then there’s the occasional odd situation** in which a Blue Pilled man strikes cold gold in the way of a wife, thinking all is peachy keen, and then, women’s base nature and the eviscerating conditions of marriage lead him to take the Red Pill.

* E.g., Soup Sandwich’s first marriage, and Adriana Lima.
** E.g., Red Pill Apostle’s marriage.

img-1783679551-6a50ca3f97e518.76446587.jpgAdriana Lima married young as a virgin, and then left her husband for fame, fortune, and fast times.

Conclusions

We don’t have a Patriarchal social structure, but this doesn’t mean all hope is lost. The only way out of this mess is to resurrect a culture that is truly Christian, even if it is only a small local one within our church or community.  The reason is because, in spite of laws and technology, and as independent as women like to think themselves to be, they are still herd creatures who need a home, hearth, and family. They are still dependent on government, society, and men. Thus, they will only observe sexual morality when it is taught, enforced, and policed by the herd, especially other women in the herd.  They won’t do it because men prefer it, or because of moral scruples, or because it is the right thing to do.  The only chance that they might do it is if they’re shamed by other women for NOT doing it.

The only way vetting can reliably work for single men seeking a spouse is if they pay attention to the larger picture — her family and the interactive nature of their relationship. There has to be is a small community of caring, invested individuals involved.  Ideally, the two families will have known each other for years, farts, warts, quirks, and all.

The only place all this can happen is in a tight Christian community. If you don’t have one, then find one, or else find some like-minded Christian men and form one.

The Anabaptists did it. The Quakers did it. The Amish are still doing it. We can do it again.

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