The church’s emphasis on marriage does not support the Christian faith or lifestyle for those who are unmarried.
Readership: Christians
Theme: A Mini-Series on Church Policy and Sacramental Marriage
Length: 1,100 words
Reading Time: 5.5 minutes
The Defacto Primacy of Marriage within the Church
Anyone who has attended church for any length of time will know that it’s a subculture that favors and honors those who are married, and especially those who have children. This is true for all churches.
To some extent, this is entirely warranted. For one, churches that have many children and young people tend to have a healthier, livelier ambience and are more likely to be growing. Speaking of the married themselves, on average, those who are married with children are ostensibly more disciplined, mature, responsible, and self-controlled than their unmarried peers of a near equivalent age.* They also tend to be more physically attractive, more intelligent, and more financially stable too.*
On the other hand, the church’s high esteem for the married, as well as the church’s unfettered celebration of women and all things feminine, and the complementary disparagement and disrespect of men and masculinity that are often presented through a jovial delivery, are all discriminations that contravene the scriptures (e.g. Leviticus 19:15; Deuteronomy 1:17; James 2:1-13). Partiality, favoritism, and treating certain people as if they are of more inherent worth is inconsistent with faith in Christ, and causes one to violate God’s law of liberty. It also transforms the church into a married clique and a henhouse respectively, thereby attracting more of the same types and repelling the fair-minded faithful.
* Note: This comparison of married vs. unmarried is NOT made to disparage the unmarried, but to emphasize that the differences can be easily observed and are sometimes striking. I am a school teacher who interacts with such people on a regular basis. Whenever adult non-school-employees come to the school, I can visibly ascertain from their overall appearance and mannerisms whether they are a parent or a solicitor, and I can also tell which of the parents are married or unmarried. It’s rather obvious.
Setting the Primacy of Marriage is one of the Failures of the Church
The notion that “You cannot be truly married unless you are truly saved” that is implicitly understood concerning the Sacramental Marriage construct dovetails this fancy favoritism perfectly and buys right into it in practice. The problem with establishing such a policy is that it further divides people along the lines of the “Have’s” and the “Have Not’s”, thereby exacerbating these biases and modeling them to others as “Christian”.
There could be some variations of how this plays out for different individuals. The “Have’s” would include…
- Those who believe they are saved / baptized / etc. are interested in family / marriage / sexual purity, and are therefore drawn to the church (perhaps through a covenant).
- Those who are interested in family / marriage are drawn to the church (perhaps through covenant relationships with church-going family members, i.e. parents) because they believe they are saved / baptized / etc.
- Those who are interested in family / marriage and believe they are saved / baptized / etc. are therefore drawn to the church.
- Those who are drawn to the church (perhaps through a covenant) because they believe they are saved / baptized / etc. become more interested in family / marriage.
The “Have Not’s” would include…
- Those who do NOT believe they are saved / baptized / etc. are repelled from the church because are NOT interested in family / marriage.
- Those who are NOT interested in family / marriage (perhaps because of parental divorce, or a traumatic or despondently unhappy childhood) are repelled from the church because they are led to believe they are NOT saved / baptized / etc.
- Those who are NOT interested in family / marriage do NOT believe they are saved / baptized / etc. and are repelled from the church.
- Those who are repelled from the church because they do NOT believe they are saved / baptized / etc. become LESS interested in family / marriage.
In summary, it strongly aligns the ostentatious marriage club with church attendance and “salvation” — thereby segregating marriage minded believers from ostensibly single pagan revelers — all to the benefit of the married and to the church at large.
Singles are “welcomed” to attend, but will not be heartily accepted into the married church clique. Church Policy Helps the Church at Young Singles’ Expense
The Sacramental Marriage construct combined with the preening preferential treatment shown to the married sends the message that Church (and the public face of Christianity by association) is only or primarily for the married. But in fact, there is no such alignment / dichotomy. For instance, what about Christian incels? What about the average relatively decent person who is unsaved or unchurched but who wishes to improve his/her marriage and/or parenting abilities? In the past, these demographics were perceived to be a minor concern since the “Have Not’s” were mostly unbelievers and probably wouldn’t have attended a church anyway. However, these demographics have recently swelled in ranks. Assuming an association of “Salvation = Marriage = Respectability” sure doesn’t help any evangelistic efforts or build any interest in church — that is, UNTIL one is ready to marry or at least comes to see the eternal value of marriage.
All this might explain several things…
- Why there is a strong pressure to marry, even for those who have no calling / interest / opportunity to do so.
- Why converged churchianity and purity movements don’t cut the wedding cake for young people in the church.
- Why, as marriage is decreasing in popularity, so is the church losing favor.
- Why some churches endorse g@y marriage.
- Why Christians wash their hands of sexual morality.
- Why young people, especially the unchurched, postpone marriage.
- Why many young people leave church as single young adults and then return to the church later in life.
- Why women take an increased interest in church when they realize they need a man / husband, e.g. when the Wall approaches or after they become single mothers. (By then, a woman’s MMV has already been degraded / sullied.)
- Why many of them never come back.
Granted, all these problems have various causes / sources, ranging from the confusion that is prevalent in the young, to personal interests, to the influences of Progressive Feminism, to bad interpretations / applications of doctrine, to simple immaturity and laziness, but they are also exacerbated by the church’s policies / teachings and social environment regarding the spiritual elitist concept of marriage and the favoritism shown to the married.
Related
- Free Northerner: Why Young People Leave the Church (2015/6/28)
- Σ Frame (Jack): It was god’s will for her to be a stripper. (2021/1/22)
- Σ Frame (NovaSeeker): The Demise of the Christian Life Script (2021/3/10)
- Σ Frame (Jack): Only Hunky Monks can find a Sanctified Marriage (2022/8/26)
- Σ Frame (Jack): Comparing Carnal Chads and Churchian Cucks (2023/4/21)
- Matthew E. Cochran: The Sin of Partiality Explained (2023/4/27)
