An analogy of Headship.

Targeted Readership: Men
Theme: Headship
Author’s Note: This essay contains many readers’ comments.  Links to the original comments are given in the initial words.
Length: 1,800 words
Reading Time: 9 minutes

The Captain and First Mate Analogy

NaturallyAspirated mentioned this interesting tidbit from ye olde Manosphere, The Captain and First Mate analogy, presumably originating from Athol Kay.  This analogy is quite informative about the marital relationship.

The Captain and First Mate analogy is essentially this:  The man is the “Captain” in the relationship, and the woman is the “First Mate.”  So the man is in charge, and the woman must follow his lead and do what he says.  The man navigates their course in life, and the woman role is to help him do what is necessary to reach their itinerant goals and fulfill their purposes.

If the Captain needs to stand at the helm to steer the ship through a storm, then he’ll need a First Mate to coordinate the crew’s labor in the maelstrom.  If the First Mate argues with the Captain about who should be steering and who should be battening down the hatches, maintaining the sails, etc., then chaos and possibly disaster will quickly ensue.  In fact, anything the First Mate does against the Captain’s wishes poses risks of varying degrees to the entire crew.

Likewise, if the husband needs to go out and fight the world, then having a peaceful home is essential.  Anything she does to upset this is working against him.  Ditto goes for how the kids are to be raised and what he wants for his family.

A First Mate exercising agency means that he/she takes “orders” / requests without a lot of hassle and faithfully carries out his/her duties to the best of his/her ability.  A “good” First Mate is one who carries out his duties well and with few errors, such that the journey can be made safely and securely.

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According to this analogy, a daughter or wife exercising agency means that she is respectful, submissive, and obedient without a lot of turbulence and faithfully carries out her duties to the best of her ability.  A “good” daughter or wife is one who carries out her duties well and with few errors, such that the husband and family can enjoy the many benefits of having a warm, well ordered home.

Customs and Courtesies

Another characteristic of intersexual dynamics that is preserved in the Captain and First Mate analogy is the importance of customs, courtesies, and formal appearances.  The Captain and First Mate must appear united in the eyes of the crew or else morale and respect will be lost. The Captain and First Mate must express appreciation and respect for the position and role of the other at all times.

However, in marriage, this is not limited to the norms of interaction within the relationship (which are often neglected).  It extends to include the image of the husband and wife within their wider social circle.

Naturally Aspirated referred to this idea in his comment,

“I can’t overstate how important it is for a functioning marriage that other women see you as a good Captain, and constantly let your wife know that there are plenty of good First Mates out there who would line up for you if you were available.

Scott’s wife seeing IOIs from 30 year olds when they are out together is incredible glue.  It’s like that rhino horn aphrodisiac you dip yourself in every morning in her eyes.”

Yes, sexual competition continues after marriage, and staying ahead of the competition requires a man to keep an edge on his Game.

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“So when men lift, look good with their shirt off, have interesting hobbies, set clear boundaries, protect the household, provide reliable resources… then women properly respond.  They don’t choose to care about all this, it’s how they are wired.  It’s said they are “the oldest teenager in the house”, and they need the structure provided above, or they act out.”

Of course, proper appearances and a formal interaction is not constantly maintained, especially in very close, warm relationships, however if this mutual recognition of the authority structure is not firmly established, the relationship cannot settle into a state of intimate congeniality, and if it is not expressed and reinforced from time to time, the authority structure will slowly degrade.

Derelict by Default

Of course, it is always possible for the Captain to make a bad or misinformed decision.  However, infighting amongst the crew over the effectiveness or validity of his decision does not help matters in the slightest.  Order must come first and foremost, through thick and thin.  The First Mate and Crew must trust in the Captain’s leadership, and the Captain must trust himself and God with the outcome.

Other than poor decision making and a failure to trust, the greatest weakness in this structure lies in human weaknesses.  On this, Naturally Aspirated commented,

“I cut my teeth on the Red Pill on the reddit “Married Red Pill” forum.  There was a lot of “owning your own sh!t” bantered about, with the idea that if you are the proper Captain, your First Mate will be content.  Drunken Captains are the main issue, and then the First Mate has to do a bunch of sh!t she isn’t trained for, wired for, or really has any interest in doing.  (She’s not particularly good at it either.)  Then she starts to resent the Captain, the respect is lost, and it’s all downhill from there.”

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“This seemed to make sense, and it explained things I had witnessed and experienced, and opened my eyes (“swallowed the red pill”).  It assumed that women are fundamentally reactive, that they want to settle into your frame and leadership, and when they don’t have that security blanket, they start to malfunction.”

Often this course of events shows up with a woman being “perpetually unhappy”.  The misguided man errs when he tries to make her happy and his acts of actually loving her reinforce in her mind that he is inferior to her because he’s appeasing her bad behavior.

“Maybe they need to have the introspection to know that they work best as a First Mate and not be afraid to articulate it.  (Although they hate when they have to tell men how to act.  They want men who have it as the default setting, not pretenders who have to work at it.)  Maybe they just have to react as they are wired and not overthink it.”

This would certainly help.  But the larger problem is wives getting the notion that the Captain is derelict or incompetent, and thinking they could be a better Captain themselves — a subtle mutiny.  And as Dalrock elucidated, this problem is amplified when the church feeds women the same narratives that feminist secular culture does, thereby encouraging mutiny on a mass scale.

Not to keep kicking the dead horse, but this situation is not just a problem with the church or even society.  It runs deeper than that.  It is the embodiment of God’s curse on Adam and Eve.  He wants to kick back and take it easy.  She wants control and is subtle and manipulative in procuring it for herself.  He becomes annoyed and bitter about her wranglings. She is then turned off by a man who is too weak or incompetent to catch on to her schemes.  He throws up his hands and lets things crumble.  She’s put herself (and him) in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. Finally, she alights herself adrift and the Captain goes down with the ship.

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Ignoring the Call of Duty

This analogy is strongly criticized by liberals because of the inherent inequality of the relationship.  Proponents of this analogy are ridiculed by progressives because of the implied claim that a Captain and First Mate relationship is superior to all others because of this power dynamic.  They fail to recognize that this dynamic is what allows God to be glorified in the relationship, and that it also satisfies the needs of both the man and woman, leading to a very efficient, productive, and sanctifying union.

Furthermore, the level of competency for accepted Captainship among First Mates has gone up with feminism.  Women expect more and offer less in return. What used to keep a woman “happy” was a Captain operating at the 50th percentile or higher.  Now, you need to be an 80th percentile Captain to keep her “happy”. In addition, the waters have become rougher. Feminism run amok, wokeism, social media, online dating apps, and an increasingly secularized culture (among many other things) have made captainship harder. Reprimands for violations are not tolerated and are sometimes retaliated with a vengeance. Together, all this makes mutiny statistically more likely.

More “fitness tests” is another way to look at it.  Feminism is one gigantic fitness test.

Men are increasingly realizing the juice is not worth the squeeze, thus MGTOW continues to grow.

This is why Men need to think about women as “the most responsible teenager in the house”.  If we agree that women are reactive, and the oldest teenager in the house, how do we view their agency?

With kids we don’t, or at least we shouldn’t, let them create scenarios where our leniency on boundaries causes them to hurt the family or themselves.  With wives the same applies.  A man’s purpose should be the focus and anything she does to detract from his efforts should be corrected.

Once a man’s eyes are opened to the truth, knowing what needs to be done to make one’s marriage better is a matter of logic.  What gets hard is the will to implement the steps.

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Summary

Here’s what the Captain and First Mate Analogy gets right.

  1. The structure of authority is spot on.
  2. The First Mate / Wife is regarded as a companion and helper.
  3. The sense of mission and purpose is preserved in the analogy.
  4. Customs and courtesies are an important part of the interaction.
  5. The strength or weakness of the structure of authority lies in the loyalty of the second in command (i.e. the wife).
  6. If your First Mate / Wife behaves like a bombastic teenager, it’s going to be rough sailing, or worse.

Here’s where the Captain and First Mate Analogy goes awry.

  1. When applied to intersexual relationships (i.e. marriage), the First Mate is a woman, and is therefore statistically less able, less responsible, and less reliable to carry out her duties than a male First Mate on a ship.  Some allowances or additional measures must be made here (which leads to the next point).
  2. Husbands are commanded to love their wives (Ephesians 5:25).  There is no such expectation from a Captain, although it certainly helps if the Captain and First mate have a tight comradery.
  3. It doesn’t take into account that there are nearby ships with other Captains.  It’s easy for her to scuttle the ship and just a short swim for her to jump on board a nearby freighter.
  4. These days, a small number of pseudo-Captains have several First Mates at their beck and call, while many other Captains don’t even have a ship.
  5. Most men don’t even know they are (or could be) a Captain.

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