…is a powerful way that men install boundaries.

Readership: Married Men; Marriage Minded Men; Domain Minded Men;
Theme: Feminine Submission
Author’s Note: This post is based on a conversation between Jack, Red Pill Apostle, Oscar, and Femmy under No More Mrs. Hot Mess! (2021/11/29). Links to the original comments are contained in the initial words.
Length: 1,900 words
Reading Time: Possibly the most important 10 minutes of your marriage!

Laying out Expectations

In yesterday’s post, Laying out Boundaries (2022/10/19), Red Pill Apostle made reference to the blessed peace and order that results from establishing boundaries within a relationship. Men, especially married men, may now be wondering, “What are boundaries?” “How can I go about creating boundaries in my own relationship?”

RPA tells us that one way to do this is by clearly stating your expectations for her and the relationship.

“What I should have done differently many years ago was to lay out specific expectations of behavior from her. It may not have fixed things, but she would have had a standard against which to judge her own actions and that may have been enough to let her know where she stood with me.”

A couple years into his marriage, Jack laid out very specific expectations for his wife. Here are a few of them.

  • I expect you to show respect to me at all times, no matter what I’ve done or how you’re feeling.
  • I expect you to seek out my opinion, and value it once it is given, even if you disagree with it.
  • Whenever I am talking, I expect you to listen carefully and without interruption.
  • I expect you to consider my interests above anyone else’s, including your own.
  • I expect you to be able to give an account for any money that you might spend.
  • I expect you to ask my permission for any expenditure over $100.
  • Whenever you need to wake me up, I expect you to do so with a tender touch instead of words.
  • I expect that you will not make loud noises or have busy activities before 10:00 am.
  • I expect that when I come home from work you will greet me at the door with a passionate kiss and you will allow me half an hour of quiet time to rest before you present your concerns of the day to me.
  • I expect you to stay under 55 kg.
  • I expect that you will never cut your hair shorter than shoulder length.
  • I expect you to dress appropriately and attractively whenever we go out in public.
  • I expect you to wear something sexy or nothing at all while we are at home (alone).
  • I expect you to be ready to have sex with me any time I get an erection, and that you will have sex with me at least once every day.

For a long time, Jack’s wife complained about these expectations, saying that he was too controlling and demanding. Mrs. Apostle was the same way. This is normal. Most women would look at Jack’s list and would scoff at it. But within a period of time (about 8 months for RPA’s wife, and one year for Jack’s wife), they complied.

img-1783683462-6a50d986a062c7.81521429.jpgJack’s Home: “I expect you to wear something sexy or nothing at all…”

Derek (Ramman3000) had it a little easier, because from the onset, his wife agreed with his list of expectations in marriage, given as follows.

  • We would first and foremost have a devout Christian home, with regular and active church attendance.
  • We would be united as one flesh. Decisions would be made together in unity of purpose. We would always communicate. There would be no prioritization of “his” or “her”, for one cannot separate what has been cleaved together as one.
  • We would never lie to one another or keep secrets. Complete trust was required. We would keep things in common (finances, email, etc.) because there could be no secrets.
  • Our friendship would always be of critical importance.
  • Divorce was condemned (and thus, no prenups allowed).
  • We would have a minimum of one child, with the expectation (but not requirement) of two. When one person felt it was time to have children, then the other partner could not refuse. To do so would be cheating the spouse and grounds for annulment of the marriage (which was never going to actually happen).
  • We would not go to bed angry.
  • We would never contradict one another in front of the children. If we had a disagreement, we would discuss it without the children present.
  • We would both finish school, get jobs, and do international travel.
  • She could wear makeup, but only rarely for special occasions. Jewelry must be modest. Hair should be at least shoulder-length.
  • We would never have extra-marital sex.
  • We had few other expectations regarding physical intimacy other than that when two people meet intimately for the first time, they must grow together physically however they see fit, adapting together to each person’s needs. We agreed that the details would never be shared with anyone else, and it never has been.

Derek concluded,

“We’ve been married two decades. This list has served us well. I would not change the relationship’s focus on unity, trust, and friendship for anything in the world.”

img-1783681483-6a50d1cbe0dc85.16991121.jpgDerek’s Home: “Our friendship would always be of critical importance.”

A man’s clearly stated expectations establishes the wife’s spiritual boundaries

Wives may not do all that their husband expects, but they will usually come pretty close.

We might wonder, why do wives eventually conform to their husband’s expectations, but only after a year or so, and then only loosely?

The reason is because if she disregards these expectations, then she is not only casually disobeying and/or actively rebelling against her husband, she is also sinning by breaking God’s instruction to wives (1 Peter 3:1-6, Ephesians 5:22-33, and Colossians 3:18).

You see, once these expectations/boundaries are in place and are shown to be sufficiently rigid, women can feel those boundaries, and it affects their consciences if they cross them. They do not respond immediately because it takes a while for wives to realize in their hearts that these boundaries are not merely their husband’s preferences, nor are these boundaries limited to the home nor even their marriage, but in fact, these boundaries envelop her whole social and spiritual identity.

Case Study 1 — Weight no more!

img-1783683463-6a50d987e14ef5.35830018.jpg

For example, if Jack’s wife really wanted to please him, then she would stay under 55 kg. as he stated. But she’ll stay around 58 kg., not because she is lazy or wants to test Jack’s boundaries, but because she feels guilty or ashamed to go over 60 kg. After she became familiar with this reality enough for her to take responsibility for it (which took about 4 years), she decided to become a vegetarian who occasionally indulges in playfully stealing shrimp and chicken nuggets from Jack.

Of course, it would be much harder for a man to state such an expectation when his wife weighs twice what she should, and it would take longer for her to fall in line and reduce her dress size. But by faith in the power of God, I believe the results would be very similar. It is not really the wife’s fault either. The husband can only blame himself for neglecting to exercise his God given authority and letting the bulge grow out of hand for so long.

Case Study 2 — The Glorious Covering of Hairship

Here’s another example. One time, Jack’s wife cut her hair shorter than shoulder length. She argued that having long hair required work and sacrifice, i.e. she has to spend more time to wash and care for her hair each day, and she has to endure criticism from other women who are envious of her long hair. Jack expressed strong disapproval, and this made her angry, and then they had a cold war for a couple weeks. But she never did that again, and it’s because she felt guilty for not loving herself more, not because Jack said it made her less beautiful. After a while, the hamster caught up to ground speed, and she began to recognize the importance of submitting to Jack’s requests to present herself as a beautiful woman.

Conclusions

A man can build a house, but a wife makes it into a home. Wives cannot build, nor can husbands feather the nest.

When a husband tells his wife his expectations, he paints a detailed portrait of a glorified life together. Metaphorically, he shows her the blueprint of a house and plants a seed of hope in her heart.

Once a wife gets into the practice of fitting into her husband’s expectations, she begins to form a new life for herself within the boundaries proscribed by her husband. When she catches his vision of a Life shared together, she carries the hope of realizing that. This hope is bolstered as she sees progress in building the house and she is inspired to feather it into a home. At this point, she takes joy in her husband’s covering hedge, because she knows how to do well and how to please God within her domain. Her joy then spreads throughout the home and the family.

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So you see, the reason why wives conform to their husband’s expectations is not simply because he asked her to do so, nor does it need to be her motivation to please him. The reason she never quite matches his expectations is because it is not her purpose to do so. Her goal is to feather the nest and her purpose is to achieve the dream he imparted to her conscious awareness. She is thereby motivated to cooperate with him towards fulfilling this hope. If she gets too far away from the vision her husband gave to her through his expectations, then she will feel ashamed, guilty, and/or regretful.

The things most men don’t understand are that…

  • They need to have a vision of a blessed and glorified Life to share with the wife (and family).
  • They need to continually reinforce the wife’s understanding of this vision.
  • The husband’s word carries spiritual force over his wife and home.
  • God has granted Men this spiritual authority over their wives and homes.
  • Wives can actually feel in their hearts that disregarding their husband’s boundaries is sin.
  • Wives get confused and become disobedient when the husband’s expectations are not congruent and/or do not contribute towards the vision of a blessed Life together.
  • Wives feel motivated to avoid the guilt and shame brought on from moving too far away from her husband’s expectations / vision. This internal conviction in the wife is enforced not by the husband’s character, discipline, nor love for his wife, but by the power of God.

Moreover, stating expectations is an important part of the feedback that women need, which I’ve described in the following posts:

It’s also important for fathers to state expectations and give feedback to daughters too, and this needs to be done before they start to adopt the false hopes and dreams offered by the world.

Men need to teach those within their domain of influence (e.g. male friends, children, and those we mentor) to become comfortable stating their expectations clearly, specifically, and confidently. It’s better to break up before marriage because the couple’s expectations / values / visions diverge intolerably, than to get divorced for the same reason, or to be stuck in a miserable marriage for that reason (AKA incompatible differences).

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