Case studies towards examining the cause.

Readership: Married Men; Marriage Minded Men; Domain Minded Men;
Theme: Feminine Submission
Author’s Note: The contents of this post are the gleanings of an email string between me and Jack. Jack helped organize and compile the content and added images. Names have been changed to pseudonyms.
Length: 1,000 words
Reading Time: 6 minutes

Introduction

As Jack stated in his post, Not Trusting women is Deep Inner Game (2021-12-15), Proverbs 31:11 plainly states that the husband’s heart trusts the virtuous wife (which is about 1 out of 1,000 women), but even so, it does not say that he trusts her with every emotion or thought that he has. But as men, we very much want to read this meaning into the passage. So this made me wonder, if the husband is not extending full transparent trust to his wife carte blanche, then what kind of relationship does this Proverbs 31 couple have?

So let’s explore this ideal relationship a little further, as described in Proverbs 31:10-31. Verse 12 says she does him good and not evil, and then the rest of the chapter is dominated by references to making his family respected through the work she does and how she represents him in the community.

As men, do we have this kind of relationship with our wives?

To get us thinking about real life examples, I’ll relay three case studies here.

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Case Study 1 – Red Pill Apostle and his admin assistant

I would liken this to the working relationship I have with my admin, Tasha.  I know that if I direct her to do something that she will follow my instructions and the task will be completed.  I know that the standards I set for managing my clientele will be met.  I don’t instruct her on the specific means of accomplishing every task because she has developed systems for herself that make it easier for her to follow my bigger picture instructions.  This is the trust the husband has in the wife to do good to him in verse 11, not a trust that she can handle his innermost doubts, fears or thoughts and then not change towards him in light of that knowledge.

Case Study 2 – Red Pill Apostle and Mrs. Apostle

How I see this applying in my own marriage is that I give my wife what she needs from me as her head, and what she needs is to feel like I don’t keep parts of my life from her.  What this looks like is talking with her about many things at a level I would consider superficial, but is enough for her to feel we’ve “connected”.  If I’ve had a rough day at work we may talk about what happened and why it happened and conclude with a platitude such as, “It is what it is and it will work out.”  What she needs to feel is that I’m working on a fix and that I have confidence that I will find a way to make it OK.

What I will not do is say anything that would shake her confidence because she doesn’t handle that well.  In the past, she’s gone full control freak and my observation is that this is due in large part to her personality paired with the combination of poor theological foundation and a lack of faith in God’s sovereignty.  The results of control freak wife are contentiousness and a struggle against headship.

Case Study 3 – Jack and Jill

My wife is also my secretary. A usual day for us is to go to campus together and she works in my office while I am teaching all day. She answers the phone, and helps me process orders and finish paperwork that is in Chinese, since she can do it much faster than I can and with fewer errors.

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I’ve been in the habit of harnessing my wife’s thoughts early in the day – before she can think herself into one of her moods. One day (2021-12-16), she had been in a bad mood for the past couple days, so in the morning, I wrote down two questions on her notepad.

  1. What brings you joy?
  2. What brings hubby joy?

Right away, she wanted to lecture me about what I should do to make her happy. I told her, “Not now, I need to go teach my class. Think about it while you’re working, and we’ll talk about it later today.”

By the time lunch rolled around, she was in a calmer mood. Several pages of her notepad were filled with her scribblings. She said, “Oh! I have a big conclusion from the questions you posed!”  Then she told me some things she realized about herself from thinking over the first question. (Just as I expected, she only delved into the first question, and never got around to the second, but I let it pass for the time being.) While she was talking, she got so emotional that she started crying. I just sat quietly and listened to her talk. She was very contented with herself after this, and she quickly got over her issues from the previous day.

For more on this technique, see The Question Apology Game (2019-1-6)

Concluding Statements

If we were to get into the habit of thinking of ourselves as our wives’ supervisors or mentors, and focusing on the ways their behaviors line up with this structure, and being thankful for this, then it might take us further down the road towards sanctification and the Proverbs 31 experience in marriage.

Even single men could avail of adopting this general mindset towards women who are regularly within their vicinity. Conveying a Command Presence resonates with women and Displaying High Value invites respect and deference from women. It will also flush out those women with latent feminist values whom you should be aware of and wary of. Proceed confidently, but with caution.

Exit Question: How does your marriage line up with Proverbs 31?

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