Know thine adversary! Is it your self?

Readership: Men; Married Men;
Theme: The Integrity and Fidelity of Marriage
Note: This post explores the basic arguments between Red Pill Apostle’s comment, and Oscar’s comments (1 and 2) under a previous post, Dating in the Lion’s Den: Relying on Faith when the options are daunting (2021-12-13).
Length: 3,000 words
Reading Time: 10 minutes

Definitions

First, I’ll offer some definitions of Dread Game vs. Married Dread Game.

PUA Dread Game

The classical definition of PUA style Dread Game is acting on a mindset of outcome independence and considering alternative options.

PUA Dread Game is usually expressed in only one way.

  • He gives the woman the idea that he’s going to cheat on her or leave her. It doesn’t really matter whether or not this is a real threat, it is effective as long as she believes it is.

The effect is that it humbles the woman by throwing her into an existential crisis concerning the relationship. It forces her into a decision to either make some action to preserve the relationship, or else fold and bow out. If she responds by cheating or even talking about cheating with serious intentions, then she is essentially bowing out.

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Married Dread Game

The whole premise of Dread Game in a Christian marriage is leaving her behind as he pursues life and his God ordained purpose in life. She’s welcome to come with him or else sit and wallow in whatever she’s doing, but he’s moving forward regardless.

“This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none…”

1 Corinthians 7:29 (ESV)

Married dread game can be expressed in many ways.

  • Withdrawing attention. For most men, this is the primary go-to with immediately effective results.
  • Disregarding his wife’s demands and expectations, either stated or assumed.
  • Refusing to respond to the wife’s antics, even if that means walking out the door and staying away from home for a few hours if/when her behavior goes over the top.
  • Refusing to let the wifeapotomus suck the joy out of his life anymore, because her contentious refusal to be obedient to scripture can do just that if he lets it.
  • Enforcing interpersonal boundaries, defending boundaries of space and personal property, and setting limits on his time.
  • Spending more time with male friends and/or pursuing masculine interests (e.g. hobbies, hunting, sports, etc.).
  • Being himself with everyone. That means talking and joking with men and women both, like he did when he was single.
  • Talking, flirting, teasing, and playing social games with other women.
  • Getting in shape again, which tends to increase his SMV and attract more attention from other women.

Oscar noted that certain methods are ineffectual with certain women, such as withdrawing attention from a woman who never cares about looking her best for her husband. Also, wily wives will try to twist and coopt some of these methods to use against the husband, rather than take the lesson to heart. For example, if he flirts with other women, she’ll accuse him of cheating. Or if he spends more time with his buddies or working on hobbies, then she’ll accuse him of neglecting his family. However, wives are certainly not immune to the competitive aspect of mating, even after marriage. It’s a part of human nature, as I described in the post, Sexual competition continues after marriage (2021-02-19). This is the reason why spouses often scoff at their partner’s attempts to improve themselves – they don’t want to look bad to others, they don’t want to feel ashamed or embarrassed, they don’t want the competition, and they don’t want to be left behind.

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Similarities

Both types of Dread Game have the following traits.

  • The man is considered to be the prize and the woman should be grateful to have him.
  • The man exerts frame by adopting a mindset that is both independent and outcome independent, and expresses this somehow.
  • The way Dread Game is commonly expressed in both forms is that the man withdraws access to his time and his attention, and perhaps his resources as well, which are then redistributed elsewhere.
  • It delivers a clear message that the woman is not in control, of neither the man nor the relationship.
  • It imposes a clear choice to the partner: “My way or the highway!”  This choice delivers an implied demand for the woman to either shape up or else lose out.
  • The man has to come to the point where he is willing to lose the relationship, in the event that she chooses the highway. If the woman decides to end the marriage, that is her own decision, not that of the man’s. But if she doesn’t, then he can realize a much tighter grip of control over the relationship.
  • At its root, Dread Game is a humbling wake-up call for the woman to recognize the value of having this man, and it’s a siren call for her to be thankful for this blessing.

Σ Frame Maxim 27: Inducing humility and thankfulness alone can do wondrous miracles for a relationship.

Differences

Married Dread Game and PUA-style Dread Game are different in the following ways.

  • Married Dread Game has a goal of achieving Headship, and thereby improving and stabilizing the marriage, whereas the goal of PUA Game is to incite jealousy and instigate a feral sex competition for the purpose of arousing her desire and keeping a steady supply of muff on tap.
  • Married Dread Game recognizes the permanency of marriage, whereas PUA Dread Game views the relationship as expendable, as a “(growth) experience”, or as a stepping stone to another one that is presumed to be better than the last.
  • Married Dread Game is commonly expressed as a withdrawal from wife-centered living and a renewed focus on God-centered living, whereas, PUA Dread Game is commonly expressed as a withdrawal from one woman and a concentrated focus on other women who are available as a replacement.
  • PUA Dread Game allows the woman to consider the possibility of what her life would be like without the man. But Married Dread Game allows the woman to consider the possibilities of what her life would be like if she can no longer control him or predict his behavior.
  • The two types of Dread Games arouse different types of fears in the woman. In PUA Dread Game her fear is of losing the man and losing her sense of security in the relationship. But in Married Dread Game, her fear is that she will no longer be pedestalized and obeyed, and that she will lose her control over him. Thus, Married Dread Game forces the wife to face the Curse of Eve within her heart.
  • Married Dread Game accesses the power of God to renew and transform the union and the individuals involved, whereas PUA Dread Game relies almost exclusively on SMV traits (in addition to other Game techniques) to exert sexual authority.
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Married Dread Game with respect to Marital Vows

Oscar went so far as to say that Married Dread Game is a lie. So let’s consider what he has to say about this.

“As for “married dread game”; it’s a lie. I’m not saying it won’t work. I’m saying that, whether it works or not, it’s still a lie.

Did you say “forsaking all others”, and “till death do us part” when you got married? If so, then did you mean it? If you meant it, then you won’t cheat on her, or leave her. If she knows you meant it, then it doesn’t matter how much “dread game” you play on her, because she knows you won’t cheat on her, or leave her.

If you didn’t mean it, then you’re a liar.

So, were you lying when you said, “forsaking all others”, and “till death do us part”, or are you lying now that you’re threatening her with “dread game”, when in fact you won’t cheat on her or leave her? Either way, you can’t get away from the fact that you lied.

Now, if you’re cool with that, you’re free to play all the games you want. No one will stop you. But, understand that you’re a liar.”

Basically, Oscar is staking out two scenarios.

  1. The man is serious about forsaking the marriage, either by abandonment, divorce, or having an affair. In the case that he follows through on any one, his marital vows will become a lie.
  2. The man is not serious about forsaking the marriage or picking up a side chick, and is pretending like he is. In this case, he is lying about the premise of his intentions.

With all due respect to brother Oscar, this is a poor frame to play off of for the following reasons.

First of all, Oscar is viewing both PUA Dread Game and Married Dread Game as essentially the same thing. They are not, as I described above.

In the first scenario, Oscar is assuming that the man is actually looking to abandon, divorce, or cheat on her. This is not consistent with Married Dread Game. (Go back to the top and read what Married Dread Game is.) PUA Dread Game OTOH considers this option to be an actionable possibility, maybe even a real goal, and definitely one if her overall influence is sufficiently reprehensible, but not Married Dread Game. Again, if the wife decides to end the marriage, that is her own decision, not that of the man’s.

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In the second scenario, Oscar is looking at the situation from the woman’s perspective. Although it is proper and loving for the man to be sensitive to the wife’s weaknesses, the challenge of Married Dread Game is to revise this ingrained habit to be less like the Curse of Adam and to think more along the lines of God’s prerogatives.

Also in the second scenario, Oscar is assuming that the man can pretend well enough to convince the wife that he’s got options. Not only is this incongruent with the purpose of Married Dread Game, it is also unrealistic. If the man truly has what it takes to step out (LAMPS, charisma, detachment, outcome independence, and game), or at least enough to be convincing that he could, then the wife already knows it. If he doesn’t have it, and tries to pretend like he does, then he’s just making a fool of himself in her eyes. He has to actually make progress in self-improvement to get to that point. I suppose there might be some women who would be ignorant of this, but the grand majority of women have extremely well-honed skills in testing men and sniffing out what they’re made of. But again, this is only a concern for a man practicing PUA Dread Game.

In both scenarios, Oscar is assuming that the man has real options to engage in polygyny, etc., and of course, this would have to be necessary for a man to actually cheat, etc., but cheating is not congruent with Married Dread Game. In the case of Married Dread Game, the man is not lying or pretending about who he is, he is merely allowing his wife to consider the possibilities of what her life would be like if she can no longer control him or predict his behavior (which doesn’t take much at all). It is not a lie or a sin to place God first, and Married Dread Game does not require a man to actually participate in extramarital sex. Whether he actually does so or not is another matter.

Finally, we see that in either scenario, Oscar is assuming that by employing Married Dread Game, the husband is riding hard on the wife’s fears that he will leave or have an affair. Playing her fears like a banjo is not the express intention of Married Dread Game as it might be in PUA Dread Game, but arousing her fears is a probable outcome. Here it should be noted that the two types of Dread Games arouse different types of fears in the woman, as described earlier, and that it is necessary for the woman to face the Curse of Eve within herself if she is to grow spiritually.

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Breaking out of One’s Comfort Zone and Overcoming One’s Fears

Moreover, I feel that Oscar’s contention is largely one of conscience. I struggled with this for a long time myself. It just doesn’t feel right to stop obsessing over the wife’s head games, opinions, and whims, often only for the sake of a tentative peace, and to put God first. It feels irresponsible, like a betrayal of sorts, and in a way it is. Your god used to be the pretty p00n on a bedpost pedestal, and you’re forsaking that and embracing God’s covenant order of Headship. I won’t deny that it’s hard to dive headfirst into the drama and make this shift. But once you’ve made this break, it also feels wrong to look back as well.

Granted, one of the similarities between these two kinds of Dread Game is that the man has to come to the point where he is willing to lose the relationship in the event that she chooses the highway. But this isn’t the goal of Married Dread Game. No, it is little more than an internal frame adjustment. It is counting the cost of being obedient to God, of putting Him first, rather than the wife.

26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.  27 Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.  28 For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?  29 Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, 30 saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’

Luke 14:26-30 (ESV)

Married Dread Game doesn’t necessitate a man to break his marital vows to be effective. It just forces a man to face his fears that his wife might do so if he should choose to be spiritually obedient and his wife rebels in response.

I suspect that believing Married Dread Game is a lie, or a sin, or even a transgression, may be an apparition of fear and false guilt that prevents a man from doing what it takes to get his house in order.

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Epilogue

For the husband, embarking on the warpath of Married Dread Game can be a deeply introspective journey towards overcoming a number of issues.

  • Gridlock in the marriage.
  • Poor self-confidence.
  • Blind spots of self-awareness and self-development, for both partners.
  • His fears of his wife’s possible reactions, spiritual infidelities, and possibly sexual incontinence.
  • His fears over the possibility of his own failure.
  • Discovering the meaning of masculinity, and the overall purpose of marriage.
  • Apprehending the practical application of Headship and getting his house in order.

As Red Pill Apostle noted [emphasis mine],

“Now, for hypothetical purposes, say that soft dread tactics that are perfectly OK in a Christian marriage aren’t enough. Does the husband who has been tricked into becoming a rancher with a single livestock animal have to suck it up and accept his fate? Not necessarily. A man still has leverage over his time, his attention, and if this is something she cares about, the appearance of the ideal marriage. This is why a man will have to contemplate deeply what is most important to him, because at this point, his wife has stopped being his helpmeet and is now just another problem he has to figure out how to best handle.”

Σ Frame Axiom 18: If you keep doing what you’ve always done, then you’ll get the same results you’ve always had. It is unreasonable to expect God to work a miracle when you’re not even willing to change your tune.

The challenge of this approach can bear positive fruits all of its own.

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On the other hand, Dread Game is not the “do all, end all” for fixing a broken relationship. As Oscar wisely noted…

“…people are not automatons. People have free will. Even God Himself didn’t keep Adam and Eve – who lived in literal paradise – from using their free will destructively.

A husband can do everything right, and his wife can still turn into a fat, soul crushing, life draining succubus.

A wife can do everything right, and her husband can still turn into a beer-swilling, porn-addicted pervert.

A parent can do everything right, and his/her child can still turn into a drug-abusing dirtbag.

We can influence people in our lives, but ultimately, that’s all we can do – influence. We can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. We can’t change other people. We can’t make anyone do anything they really don’t want to do (unless you’re willing to use the kind of force that goes way beyond the realm of acceptable Christian behavior).”

Yes, Dread Game of both sorts is all about influence. What does it take to draw closer to God? What does it take to induce humility and thankfulness in a wife?  When love doesn’t do it, when living with them in an understanding way doesn’t cut it, when kindness, patience, sacrifice, and suffering all have no effect, then what?  When all else fails to make a dent, Dread Game might be what it takes to move the mountain of stubborn pride and marital intransigence that would otherwise ruin the marriage (and the children) if left unchecked. At the very least, it will bring the issue to a head where a clear decision can be made, for better or for worse.

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