An introspective lesson based on a reader’s testimony.
Readership: Christians
Author’s Note: This post is based on an email I received from a reader who will remain anonymous. The content of his message carried nuances of the Red Pill rage that is common to those new to the ‘sphere. His story had some important points that we could all learn something from.
Reader’s Note: Some sections paraphrased for brevity. Quotes are lightly edited for clarity.
Length: 2,100 words
Reading Time: 7 minutes
Handling a Crisis Situation
“The [current economic situation] has hit me hard. I was laid off work a few months ago, and I’ve been struggling to make ends meet. About a month ago, I decided that instead of hunting and waiting for a job offer, I’d just start my own business.* I already have the training and tools, and my buddy at work who was also laid off has been working with me. All I’ve had to do is find customers and develop a reputation. We’re already getting regular calls coming in, and me and my partner are pretty close to matching our previous salaries. (We’re about ~70% there.)
My wife has not made things any easier. Me being out of work has made her feel much more insecure than usual, and her constant complaints and nagging are a continual reminder of this. We fight and argue about stupid little stuff every day.”
* His business is home remodeling, e.g. kitchen, bathroom, plumbing, and flooring. He mentioned that, in spite of the lockdown, some people are doing pretty well, and since they are spending more time at home, they want a nicer home environment.
Case Study 1 – Mismatched Priorities
As an example of the stupid little stuff he and his wife argue about, the reader shared this little story in his private email.
“My wife vacuums the floor and cooks a meal every day and she thinks that makes her the most fabulous wife on the planet. That’s great and all, but at the same time, she is always talking like I’m a 5-year-old slob! If I drop one crumb from the dinner table, or leave one hair in the shower stall, she is on my case like a school marm. Fact is, I don’t give a rat’s @$$ about crumbs or hairs, or meticulous floors, or even hot meals. The thing that would make me feel like she is a fabulous wife is if she would just take a break from the shame game and show a little more positivity, natural affection, and encouragement.”
I know how that feels. This is another example of a woman making a man out to be an immature boy. Deep Strength covered this dynamic in a comment.
“The issue is not maturity though. A woman’s preconceived notions of what they think is “mature” or not is their will manifesting as pride: they think they know what is better than the man they are with and are setting themselves up as the judge of that.”
Personally, I’ve made a habit of drawing a boundary between what I want, and what my wife wants, as a way of reminding her that she is not the only person living in the house. This approach works for the most part, except when she just doesn’t want to hear it.
Case Study 2 – He is not handy, but she is?!?
Case Study 1 compares closely to what Locustsplease shared here.
“When I was married I remodeled bathrooms, whole new flooring and shower, replaced roof, did major auto repairs, decking, graded the entire back yard… She replaced the kitchen cabinet knobs 1 time. Yet, she insisted until we split that I was not handy around the house, and that she was, and she even included this statement in the divorce manifesto docs!”
The myopic solipsism is absolutely amazing here. Like DS said, this is pride being manifested in her will.
Pride Goeth before a Fall
The letter continues.
“During this time, I had an epiphany. She actually has a purpose for being contentious. She thinks she is keeping me on my toes and preventing me from becoming lazy. Fact is, I would have a lot more time and a lot better mindset to deal with work if she would just take it easy.
The thing that really irks me is that she actually enjoys it.** My wife’s biggest problem is her pride, and since we’ve been married 15 years now, let me tell you a few things I’ve learned about her pride…”
- Her main prerogative is to protect her pride. If someone or something rubs her pride the wrong way, she gets angry, argumentative, and tries to shame that person into submission – all in an effort to protect her pride.
- This pride is why she is afraid to trust or depend on a man (me) in a time of crisis, be in debt, or owe anything to anyone.
- This pride is why she never wants to say sorry, even when she knows she’s wrong and feels guilty.
- This pride is why she puts on a show like she is careless about other’s needs (i.e. my need for regular sex and a peaceful home environment).
- This pride is why she wants to play with her cats and her smartphone during talk time, and talk during sex time.
- This pride is also why she denies her desire and acts like she is frigid in bed, even though she’s actually hot for a romp.
- This pride is what makes her particularly skilled in making my c0ck feel like it has to beg for her attention.
- This pride is why she can’t grow up.
“All because she is proud as hәll.
Whenever I’ve pointed this out to her in the past, she says I am proud!”
This defense mechanism is a combination of displacement and psychological projection.
** Wife is Asian, and I can confirm that some Asian women do take an extreme enjoyment in creating arguments and being contentious.
The Principle of Pride
He says one day his phone got smashed and he borrowed his wife’s phone for a few days.
“I was [very offended] when I happened upon a text message that my wife sent to one of her friends. She told her I was lazy because I had not found another job after 3 months, and that our pastor had to convince her to take a more positive view of me and the situation. I was glad that our pastor had set her straight, but it [offended me] because she obviously respects our pastor’s opinion more than she respects me in this time of difficulty.”
In another text message she had with a friend who consulted her for dating advice, he was flabbergasted to find that his wife told her friend about her “principle”. She wrote…
“Men start quickly, but they learn slowly.”
I don’t say, “I can do all the things for the boys” [I see it in the message], because having a soft heart will become a tool for boys to use.”
“To respect each other [Translation: to establish my own power as dominant], the degree of cooperation is very important. The mastership lies in whether the attitude of performance is firm. I don’t easily change what I said. I will not tell the boys my principles. But the ruler in my own heart will naturally make the boys know that they can’t offend me!”
“Boys who are pressing for intimacy always want to give and hear a lot of sweet talk, so when you use your principle to embarrass [Translation: shame] them, they will always respect you.” [See translation of “respect” above.]
“Just take a look at the princess who just took it all away [referring to herself], and it will be easier to get closer to what you want.”
So he’s dealing with a woman who will shame him mercilessly if he ever happens to cross her egotistical pride. (This is a particularly Asian approach for dealing with men.)
Notice how she refers to men, including her husband, as “the boys“. He’s right… her pride is unbearable!
When he pointed out this message to his wife and asked her to explain, she fell into a silent, bitter mood. Her cool contempt was heartbreaking. He writes,
“I was so angry that I took a shower to cool off. After this, she refused to share any more of her messages with me and she locked her phone. What you [Jack] wrote about trust came to my mind here.”
I’m not sure exactly what he is referring to here, but I’ll guess that he’s referring to this.
“Men are taught, “a man’s word is his honor”, and they generally adhere to their natural bent towards logic and reason. But they make the mistake of allowing these hallmarks of masculinity to dictate their interactions with a woman. Women are naturally gifted at coopting these traits of man to their own purposes. Thus, men who naively believe that being honest, reasonable, and altruistic will increase their bonding with a woman are surprised when the woman hijacks the Head Trust, takes the driver’s seat in the relationship, and then fails to appreciate his “goodness”. Thus, if men do not become sufficiently self-aware of their own nature, they will continue on this path towards absconding their God given power and authority, thereby leading to the destruction of the union.”
Σ Frame: Creating and Maintaining Heart Trust (2019-04-28)
Later in the day, she complained about how he was always so unresponsive to her questions. He asked her if she was aware of the fact that he had just asked her a question not 10 minutes earlier as they were sitting there, and she totally ignored his question and started her rant. Then she changed the subject by comparing their relationship to that of another couple they knew, saying, “they seemed like a real couple last night at dinner, sharing food and ideas”, but she didn’t feel that they were the same way. There was obviously some fundamental differences in basic values. She complained about him some more, and when he shut her down, then she wanted to argue about whether he should accept investors for his new business. She went on like this for something like 20 minutes. At first, he just sat quietly and let her rant, thinking that she might have something important to say about the business. But after he found that her argument had no substance, and that she was just inciting more conflict, he excused himself and left the room.
She just won’t shut up with the proud mouthed tongue lashing! It’s better to just walk away.
Introspection and Resolution
This whole situation really p!ssed him off, and he didn’t know what to do about it. He decided to pray about it, hoping that God might give him some ideas. During his prayer, he remembered another post, The Greatest Archetype, and he got the idea that women (i.e. his wife) treat him the same way he treats God. When this idea hit him, he asked God about it very specifically,
“Do I treat You like these women treat me?”
God answered him and said,
“You used to, not too many years ago. You didn’t want to listen. You complained a lot. You demanded to have a wife and regular sex. You jumped the gun on marriage. You took matters into your own hands, and I could not work in your life. But now you’re all right. You’re in a place where I can work with you. Now it’s your wife’s turn to learn this.”
It is a fascinating question. Did he simply get what he deserved? “Like attracts like“, and all that?
“I had to ask God to forgive me for being that way.”
The question in my mind is, what will this forgiveness look like?
“The next morning, I decided to wear a watch my father had given me as a wedding present, just so I would be reminded of my father’s example, to stay patient, and not take my wife’s squabbles too seriously. Somehow, this gave me a lot of confidence.”
I assume that he hadn’t wanted to wear his watch to work in the past because the work involved chemicals and adhesives.
“Me and my business associate had a prayer together, and we mentioned a few of our clients, contractors, and suppliers by name. God answered my prayers, telling me that things would be OK, and I got a supreme sense of peace for the rest of the day.”
Yes, sometimes the best thing (and perhaps the only thing) a man can do is to step back, take a deep breath, and keep busy doing what he knows he needs to do.
I will guess that “forgiveness” in this case will be the success of his new business and a refinement of his character, but it’s hard to say how it will go with the wife.
A woman’s selfish pride is a tough nut to crack.
Exit Questions
- How does pride affect our relationships with God and with a spouse?
- Does your wife treat you the way you treat God?
- Does God treat you the way you treat your wife?
Related
- Σ Frame: Only noble born men are qualified to do housework for unicorns (2020 August 24)
- Σ Frame: Redefining Manhood as Boyish Immaturity (2021 June 14)
- Σ Frame: Do men need talk therapy? (2021 June 16)
