Maximize your positives and identify ways that you could provide value to a man’s life.

Readership: Women over 30
Length: 1,200 words
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Examine Yourself

There are a lot of older women, and by that I mean, 30+ years old, who are looking for a marriage. The numbers of older women seeking marriage keep growing every year. What can these women do in their situation?

Let me start off by saying, I think it’s important to be attracted to the person you marry. Let’s be realistic. Generally, only Alphas (top SMV males) generate intense passion in women, and even that declines with familiarity and availability.

My advice to women in their 30’s who are looking to marry…

  1. Give more men a chance.
  2. Honestly assess your own MMV desirability.
  3. Be happy with moderate or even mild chemistry.

This will expand your acceptance filter enough for you to be able to find possible candidates, and if the man is a good match, then the sexual chemistry will very likely grow.

These are very easy steps (but perhaps very hard to swallow):

  1. Learn what a “male orbiter” is.
  2. Identify your orbiters.
  3. Evaluate them, and eliminate the bottom 1/3 or so as possibilities
  4. Come to the realization that you now know your Marriage Market Value.
  5. Make a very careful decision about whether you want to marry a man of the same MMV as you. If you do not, then it might be wiser for you not to marry.

If you do decide that you want to pursue marriage, then here are some things that may help:

  1. Date with intentionality. You are screening for husbands, not out to have fun for fun’s sake. Have fun, but keep your goal in mind.
  2. Let your prospective mates know this early. Although the timing and manner of your marriage-hunting disclosure must be finessed (baby rabies are scary), men who are also serious about getting married will not be easily frightened away.
  3. Perhaps I’m old school, but in general I think the man should be older than the woman. It’s just better that way. This custom feeds the natural predilections of both men (who generally want youth and fertility) and women (who generally want resources). This also means that for women in their late 20’s or 30’s, if the dating pool of men near your own age has dried up, then the fellows you will be most interested in will probably be pushing 40.
  4. A lot of, maybe even most men in their MMV prime (mid-30’s) already have children and have been through a divorce. Are you open to dating a recycle? Some of them have been divorced for a good reason, while some others are perfectly good guys who were profoundly unlucky. Some divorced men might have a combination of these two. Most divorced men will have emotional scars. An older man will be very thankful if you can be willing to accept the baggage he brings with him (kids and an unfriendly ex).
  5. Be nice. You would be surprised at how grumpy women are these days, and how much that turns guys off. Joyfulness and gratefulness is a very attractive quality.
  6. Assess your own baggage and how it affects your own MMV. How emotionally mature are you? Do you have lots of debt? Are you previously divorced? Do you have kids? Have you had lots of sex partners?
  7. Make a list of what you’re looking for in a guy. Only the top one or two should be deal-breakers, for example, being a serious Christian Believer, or wanting children. Pretty much everything else can be negotiable to an extent. Holding out for your list of must-haves might just be keeping you priced out of the marriage market.
  8. Speaking of religion, if either of you will not be equally yoked, don’t go there. No missionary dating, and no missionary marriages. You need to have as much certainty as possible about the future potential of a marriage partner.

You will probably not be able to marry a man that is equal to the most attractive man you could date. That’s just how it is. Forget the nonsense about “settling”. The idea is to get someone who matches you well. (I’m not saying you should marry one of your beta orbiters, but you will get someone at that same level.)

Once you find a potential Mr. Right, you should consider what you are bringing into the relationship. If you have the habit of dumping all your problems and lofty expectations on him, then he will be much less interested in marrying into that kind of relationship. If he is willing to tolerate all your tests and can handle all your problems and needs, then he probably really does love you. But in that case, you need to be honest about your vulnerabilities, sincere about your needs, trust his leadership, submit to his authority, and be gracious for the trouble he goes through for you. If you argue too much, resist him, or do not display gratitude frequently, he will eventually come to the conclusion that he is unable to handle your problems and needs, and he will give up on you and go looking for another woman. While it is true that true love endures, you also have to consider his needs for love and fulfillment as well. In other words, true love goes both ways!

Reality Check

If you have dated too much from the alpha tree, or even if you have not, but have spent all your time under the alpha tree hoping for some fruit to fall, you JUST MIGHT have damaged your ability to have realistic expectations.

The reality on the ground for marriage minded people is very different than the lofty fantasy world of college-age dating. Your dreams WILL NOT COME TRUE – most likely because you have dreamed fantasies, not realities.

Perhaps you should refrain from seeking marriage until you can reformat your expectations such that you could marry a good, average guy and actually be grateful to have him.

Check the Influence of Your Peers

Look carefully at the company you keep. Your best friends may well be your worst enemies. If they’re hostile to the average nice guy, if they are bitter towards men, if they encourage you to make stupid decisions like slutting it up, or if you feel like any of your life decisions need their approval… then get rid of them. Find new friends, or even just tell them you need time to “find yourself”, by which you mean, “get in touch with the good sense that you need to find a decent man.”

Many females, girls as young as 12, and as old as 40, always have a circle of hell-hens who make it their life’s mission to see that no other woman ever becomes more happy than they are, and never makes an independent decision, no matter what the cost. But what is less apparent to them, is that these women are motivated by insecurities and envy, and are not likely to help you achieve the best in life. If you are fortunate enough to have real, supportive, well-grounded female friends, keep them close and ask them to help you stay on the straight and narrow. If you have the clucking hens, ditch them by any means necessary.

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