Don’t Move Out Just Because She Told You To

I’ve realized I missed mentioning one of the most important things NOT to do, in part because the reader I had been emailing had done it correctly. I also had a couple emails addressing it as well. (Thank you to those who did so.)

The most important thing to NOT do is leave when she asks you to. Just utterly refuse to go. If you just put your tail between your legs and slink away because she told you to, you have just completely framed her as the dominant / Alpha of the relationship. It’s all but impossible to regain that frame and it will markedly reduce her interest in you even further. This is in essence nothing more than a very very serious shit test.

Same with sleeping on the couch. Just don’t go. Same reasons as above.

The correct frame is “if you want to break up this family without even trying, you’re the one walking out the door.”

Importantly also is that by leaving the family home you are setting the stage for the future where should divorce happen you’ve established that (1) you left and (2) she’s performed 99% of all the child care and has possession of the house. Even assuming a magical 100% perfectly fair family court, possession is nine tenths of the law and the court will likely just roll with the current set up and some visitation and child support siphoning for you.

Also once you are out of the house, all she has to do is change the locks and you can’t even gain access to your own house without some sort of major incident. If the cops arrive as you’re banging on the front door and yelling at your wife to open up, you’re toast.

Plus if you were wrong about the “no one else involved” thing and you move out, the secret boyfriend can move right in, or just have a far easier time of finding a comfy bed to have sex with her in. Plus he can just take your lawn mower if she lets him.

If you’re moved out, you have minimal ability to effect a positive change on the relationship by incidental moments of interaction together. Mostly you’re just giving her time to adapt to you not being there, after a while her mood will return to it’s baseline normal happiness and she’ll believe that’s she’s happier without you.

Any and all of this can go down before she’s even filed for a divorce.

This may of course turn into a very difficult discussion when she tells you leave and you refuse to go. Normally I’d expect some increased screaming and verbal threats. This you continue to verbalize understanding that yes indeed things are very bad right now and you are willing to work with her on changing things, but you do not agree to leaving or quit the relationship.

What I’m suggesting here is a form of passive resistance aka Gandhi / Martin Luther King / Boston Tea Party where you simply refuse to take part in implementing your own oppression. It really shouldn’t lead to violence on her part, but should things escalate beyond merely verbal, you may have to get police involvement. If so, make absolutely sure that you are the one that calls not her. Call 911 and follow their instructions. Even using force in self-defense can come back to haunt you. There’s no real perfect solution at this level of conflict.