Sexy Move: Make The Bed Squeak

A few days ago I mentioned that most women like dirty talk in bed. Adding on to that, they just like bedroom noise in general. She wants to believe that you’re totally into her and breathless and out of control with lust for her.

One very simple tactic to make her think she’s being completely pounded into a pool of her own juices, is to find the right rhythm that makes the bed squeak. We have a pretty sturdy King Size wooden framed thing that took a awful lot of effort to get into the house and put together. It’s really solid. However when I’m on top of Jennifer there is a just right level of my movement I can do to make it start oscillating just a little and the whole thing starts making a five decibels above discreet squeaking noise. It’s kind of the same principle that high winds can rip a badly designed bridge apart by getting it slowly wobbling more and more. (See this is why you should have paid more attention in physics class)

It’s really not anything hugely rough that’s going on, it’s firm to be sure, but it’s not even as rough as it could be. It’s about 87.3% of maximum roughness. It just sounds like she’s getting the shit fucked out of her. If you were standing outside our bedroom door you’d be touching yourself.

Bonus points if you can bang the headboard against the wall. That’s like hotel sex. Women love hotel sex. Half the reason women have affairs is just to be in a hotel I think. They will say it’s because it’s romantic…  ”romantic” being the girl talk word for “costs money”.

Pro Tip: Some beds can be made more squeaky by the use of a screwdriver and the loosening of a few screws. No one ever got divorced because they broke the bed by fucking. However I am not buying you a new bed.

Warning: Make sure the banging sound is not her head against the headboard. Women detest that.