Reader Story: Husband Finally Gets It

Hi Athol,

I’ve never emailed a stranger before, but I wanted to tell you how much I love your blog. I happened to click on your blog from demandingjoy. I don’t even read demandingjoy, but a friend of mine refered me to the post on things we need to stop teaching girls. Anyway, I am still in the midst of catching up on all your past posts, but I couldn’t wait to tell you how genius I think it is. Hey, everyone likes compliments, right?

I guess I should give you a little background…I have been married for over 10 years. My husband and I were pretty well matched as far as sex rank goes when we got together, but he has gained about 80 pounds since he put a ring on my finger. Naturally, my sexual attraction for him faded. We have four kids, and I have gotten my body back into shape after each one. I work out at least 5 days a week, and I have a great body. For years, I have tried everything I could possibly think of to get him to lose weight, and it was all met with empty promises and excuses on his part or turning it around on me that I’m so shallow, love what’s on the inside, blah, blah, blah. So, in addition to feeling like I’m not sexually attracted to my husband, I felt terribly guilty for feeling this way.

We were both virgins until the wedding day. (BTW-I totally agree with you on the virginity thing…there were so many reasons why I decided to wait, and none of them happen to be that I was or am sexually inhibited, or that I didn’t have opportunity). Anyway, although I never thought I would be a person who cheated, I had started to think about it more and more. I felt like I had already been cheated out of having a hot husband, why not do it? The Rationalization Hamster had gone to work in a big way.

Oh, I guess I should also give your the background that not only do I keep my body in shape, but I’m a great wife in many other ways…I am smart and educated, I cook, clean, bake (from scratch, of course), I take care of our kids, I don’t nag him to come home from work (he works late) or call him at work much, I work part-time to be able to bring money home to the pot, I am adventurous and uninhibited in bed (I still kept having sex 2-4 times per month because I did feel like it was a wifely obligation, but he always begged for more-super turn-off, btw). I was feeling like, WTF, I do all this for him, and he can’t even work out? I might as well go find another hot body to f**k.

I was totally going down that road. Then, 2 things happened: 1. we found out a very close female friend of ours was cheating, and it rocked both of us. 2. I found your blog. I emailed my husband the post on why your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you. He started working out the next day. That was 3 weeks ago, and so far, he has maintained a workout regimen. We had a huge talk about everything. I even told him I had considered cheating, and instead of telling me I was some sort of whore, he apologized!! He said he finally realizes how much he has let me down. Now, obviously it will take time for him to get into shape, but just the effort that he has been putting into it has been a turn-on for me. We have had more sex in the last 3 weeks than in the previous 3 months. If you want, I can keep you updated.