Pandora Bracelets: It’s Not Slutty If It’s Expensive

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post “Hot Husband, Nervous Wife“:

I’m just wondering where all the average-looking (or, God forbid, homely) older women are going to be hanging out when they are dumped by their husbands of 25-30 years, who want a shot a the fountain of youth from a younger, average-looking woman?

It sounds like my question has a measure of bitterness in it; it does not. I am an average-looking 53 year old endomorph (ie, not skinny). I love love LOVE sex (in fact, my previous husband once determined that on average, I have a sexual thought every 8 minutes) but if monogamy depends on looks, I’m screwed (figuratively, not literally). While I can control my weight with an enormous amount of effort, without surgery I can’t control my wrinkles, and as I look at my aging parents (in their mid-70′s), I see a horny old woman and a man who wants nothing at all to do with sex. Is that my future, if I happen to find another love of my life? Is it true, what my male friend says, “Very Long Term Relationships with the same woman are the cause of the huge numbers of ED medication commercials on TV during sports presentations”.

Athol:  Well I have good news, I have awkward news and I have bad news.

The good news is that anyone getting into a relationship with you, is fairly unlikely to dump you for a hot young thing. The Auto-Dump programming, a.k.a. the Male Mid-Life Crisis, is directly related to the age of the man’s wife. So if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen when the wife is reaching the end of her fertility in the 35-42 age range. So the great news is that you’re far too old to be dumped for that reason! Sometimes science is just so reassuring isn’t it.

The awkward news is that the other half of the Male Mid-Life Crisis is the ability to actually attract a younger woman. For the most part, any man attracted to you, simply doesn’t have the ability to attract a young attractive fertile woman, or even a really worn out party girl who suddenly gets the baby rabies at age 37 and realizes what she really wants is a child, yoga lessons, better health insurance, a nice house, travel, Pandora bracelets and to really piss off the other moms on the PTA. Oh yeah and a husband.

However, should things suddenly change for the better for your new man, by say coming into possession of a sizable sum of money, then he might suddenly have the means to attract a younger woman. Perhaps a single mom tired of raising kids alone and hungry for a little romance (money) in her life. These women are easy pickings for anyone with the slightest ability at game. All one has to do is circle the local elementary school when the kids are getting out, and start looking for a very tired looking mom who is showing a combination of cleavage, dangling earrings and a muffin top. Once eye contact is established, all that needs to be done is to hold out a Pandora bracelet and gently jiggle it… they cannot resist.

The bad news is that you’re 53 and I’m sure you’re starting to get the sense that there’s slowly starting to be this paranoid feeling that there’s more women than men, and the pickings are starting to get slimmer and slimmer. That’s because there really are getting to be proportionally less and less available men the older you get. So you aren’t actually crazy to think the men are getting hard to find. Isn’t math reassuring?

So from here, your mission is fairly clear and just the same as everybody else. Make you be the most attractive version of you that you can be. Make sure that your partner has functional sexual organs and likes to use them. Then make a move.

Oh and have a little collection of Pandora bracelets. By age 53 everyone expects you would have the usual wear and tear on your vagina and some Pandora bracelets to show for it. Also if you do need to slip an older guy a Viagra pill, just push it into a piece of cheese and wrap it in bacon. Works every time.