Game Doesn’t Work For The Morbidly Obese

This is part of a longer exchange with a reader, so there is no one question I’m answering. The short version is crappy sex life, she’s moody and on anti-depressants. Here’s a few snippets and responses.

Hi there, some of this is going to read as very harsh, I’m just trying to be utterly realistic.

My immediate reaction is that she was dumped by the other guy, but told you she dumped him. Your role was being her Beta Orbiter and emotional shoulder to cry on. She was turned on by wrestling guy but whatever happened there didn’t work out.

“On the sex front, it never has been something she has seemed super interested in.  In fact in some of our conversations in the last several months she has said it’s just not a big deal for her.  Bummer for me, as that has left me rejected and hurt after many failed attempts to initiate sex throughout our relationship, which has caused a lot of the resentment I spoke of.  I now am starting to see my role in it as well, so it’s not an “all her fault” thing.”

She might very well be interested in sex, just she’s not attracted to you, so she says she “isn’t interested in sex very much.” because she doesn’t feel sexually turned on around you.

 

“As far as sex rank goes, I would have to put her at a 7. She would likely rank herself a 5.  If she were at the top of her game I could see and 8, even possibly a 9.  If I rank myself I would go for a 5.  My guess is she might rank me higher but I really don’t know.  She’s 5’4″ and ~160lbs.  I am 6’1″ and ~290lbs.”

A female 7 just doesn’t want to have sex with a male 5. If she’s a potential 8 or 9, she’s likely depressed because she’s even in a relationship with you. Family factors play a role too, but it’s likely just her default setting to head to if things aren’t the greatest in her life.

In terms of the anti-depressants, they very likely aren’t helping her sex drive at all, but the good news is that having her sex drive nerfed is very likely what is helping her stay in a relationship with you. If she was feeling horny and sexy, she’d dress up nice to an 8 and very likely be going out to bars and/or just straight up cheating on you.

Right now the number one thing you need to do is get control of your physical fitness and health. 290lbs is very heavy and repulsing her sexually from you. She may not be able to consciously think that, or admit it to herself, but it’s true. You can try all manner of Game and whatever at 290 lbs and very little of it will work. Doing the exact same stuff once you are at 200-220lbs will have very different results.

You’re in a deep hole to dig yourself out of if you are 2 points of Sex Rank below her. In all seriousness, give yourself two years to work yourself up to being on par with her. All you have to do the first year is loose weight and get fitter, seriously, that’s your #1 goal and action step right there.

“It is just very difficult to maintain any consistency when she has these severe ups and downs.  Today is a big down day, and she’s just going to be pissed, nothing more about it.  It makes my job much harder, because trying to run the show sends her into a tirade, however standing back and waiting for her to come up with an idea pisses her off too.  And when this happens the poor kids are often stuck right in the middle.  She thinks I treat them too harshly but when she gets like she is today she is way worse.  So, how do you “swat her on the ass” to get her to back off in a way where she doesn’t swing around and kill you with her laser eyes?  I’d like to gain insight on how I can start working those situations in order to avoid the loose-loose.  As Kirk would say, “I don’t believe in a no-win scenario,”  I just haven’t learned how to reprogram the simulation yet.  Yes!  Two Star Trek references in the same sentence!”

You can’t control her behavior. Her good day or bad day isn’t = to you having a good day or a bad day. Define your own good or bad day as to whether or not you got your exercise (or planned rest days) in appropriately.

“Speaking of Alpha and Beta, it is strange enough trying to employ these traits in proper balance when she is stable, but doing it when she’s not stable is something I am having a great deal of difficulty working with.  I have a hard time not just coming off as an asshole all the time.”

Right now your Sex Rank is below hers, so you don’t really get to make many demands in the relationship. The entire Alpha Beta thing is going to be very ineffective with you at 290 lbs, but increasingly effective as you get into shape. As an example, swatting her on the ass now would probably anger her, but when you’re 200-220lbs or so, it might turn her on.

So yeah I’m a broken record… lose the weight, lose the weight, lose the weight.

your motivations to exercise are many…

(1)  Your health.

(2)  Your kids are growing up in a family setting that can be improved.

(3)  Your sex life.

(4)  By focusing on her depression rather than your needs, you are empowering her depressive behaviors and weakening yourself. It’s a lose-lose outcome.

(5)  You have a random time limit to get this done. She may simply decide to reach for the divorce option and be done with it. That could be next month, or five years from now. The standard red flag that this is starting to come close is her getting interested in being physically in shape.

I don’t have any carrots bigger than those. There’s really nothing much to talk about, or think about over much for a while on this one. There are other factors at work here and things you can do to solve them, but trying to will be ineffective now. Just hit the weights and get into action.