I wrote a bunch of introductory posts, but I think I’m going to leave them hidden for now. Not sure I feel comfortable enough to spill my guts on all that at the moment. So the first post to this blog will be ranty and not very insightful.
I’ve been trying to improve myself since I had the twins, and I feel like I’ve hit a wall. After they were born, I lost about 40 lbs (most of that being baby weight and babies themselves), but all in all, I went from 200ish lbs pre-pregnancy to around 177 lbs right now. I’m rather tall, but that’s still overweight. I lost that weight mainly due to the extra calories burned from nursing two boys, and from all the stress involved therein. I lost most of that weight before I even started working out.
I’ve been working out daily for about 3 weeks now, and I was doing hot yoga twice a week for a few weeks (or a month?) before that. I’ve lost maybe a pound. Maybe. It fluctuates back and forth, so I’m gonna say not really.
I started on Supreme 90 for a week, but quickly realized that I can’t keep up with the hefty calorie requirements and diet plan, because of the boys. Between not eating enough and exercising too much, I started to make myself feel sick. So I changed my workout a bit to include 3 days of light running, 2 days of free weight training, and 2 days of hot yoga. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t feel like it’s done a damn thing.
My husband hasn’t remarked on me looking any better, except when I start to get depressed about it, so it feels like the token “of course you’re beautiful, baby” that a husband would throw a wife whose feeling down on herself. No one else has really said anything about it either. So I’m really feeling like there’s no point. If I sit on my ass and do nothing, I get the same results as working as hard as I can. So why????
Of course, this makes me feel absolutely horrible, after seeing how important physical fitness is for Red Pill women. And since I can see that my husband is having results. I’m being left behind.
The extra skin that I gained from the twins isn’t doing me any favor either.
I feel like I can’t really make any real dietary changes right now, either. If I eat too few calories, I feel like absolute hell. Eating healthy is hard to do when you need to bulk up on calories. It’s also hard to do when your dad is living with you and he’s doing most of the cooking, and when most of our grocery bill is going to feeding 6 people. (Long damn story. Long, exhausting, completely depressing story. I’m at Starbucks typing this right now, because I feel like I can’t be alone in my own fucking house.) Eating healthy is expensive, and I feel like we can’t really afford it right now. And really, I’ve read so much diet stuff that I’m overwhelmed. Low Carb, High Carb, Paleo, Vegetarian, blah blah blah… they all contradict each other, and say the other is horribly unhealthy for you. I don’t even know.
And during the week, to save my sanity, I *have* to get out of the house, and when I do, I eat crap. I’m almost to the point where I feel like I can’t eat at home during the day anymore, because 1) if I eat in front of my daughter, she pesters the shit out of me to give her some, and 2) if I get up and walk to the kitchen, the boys see that I’m gone and start crying. Dear God, I’m permanently attached to the couch, or I end up with a room full of crying children. My dad is glued to his computer all day, so helps minimally, with the exception of watching the kids while I go out to Walmart or wherever I can make an excuse to go for an hour a day, just to get out of the house to eat. And then I feel guilty that I made him watch them for that time.
I’m acutely aware that my looks are only getting worse as I age. The last couple of pictures of myself have looked disturbingly look like my mother, which scares the absolute shit out of me. I love my mother, but she is not a pretty woman.
I just don’t know what I can do to make it work right now, and I desperately want to. I probably just need to slow down and not worry about it, but that’s really hard not to do right now. And I’ve been having weekly freak outs about this and other things for a few weeks now. I hate not feeling comfortable in my own house.
