If you haven’t been reading Mrs. Yes’s blog I will never say no in 2012, it’s worth a read. In summary, her New Year’s resolution was to never turn her husband down for sex, and in return she’s learned a lot of things about herself and how she interacts with him. It’s really a beautiful read, and an eye opener.
I recently told my husband that I was doing the same. He didn’t really respond at first, and when I asked him about it, he said he didn’t know how to respond. My motivation is simple: I feel guilty because he missed out on 24-30 year old me. Insanely guilty. Throw-myself-on-my-sword guilty. I feel like it’s the least I can do.
I know it’s best not to dwell on the horrible past, but jeez. It’s so hard to look at EVERYTHING in my past and not see blue pill failure. I see it in how our marriage was, obviously, but also in all my previous relationships. I was Queen of the Long Term Relationship throughout high school, and every, EVERY relationship ended in a burst of flames after a year or two. I treated some of those guys like absolute shit and felt like I started to hate them, and I had no idea why at the time, but it’s so clear that I hammered them all down into sad little beta puppies, then got angry when they were sad little beta puppies. I almost want to hunt all of them down on Facebook and apologize to them for being that way (no way in hell I would, don’t worry). I really thought it was something wrong with me, that I couldn’t love a guy more than a couple of years. I thought that was why my marriage was so crappy, because I was defective.
I really should stop dwelling in the past, but it’s so hard when I know that Mr. RedPill was in so much pain. He usually reminds me at this point that a lot of it was his fault, because he was unattractive. And it’s still hard for me to agree with that! I’d still rather turn a blind eye to it and put all the blame on myself, but he’s right. Blue pill habits are hard to break.
This morning, he said he didn’t want me to say yes even if I didn’t want to have sex, because he didn’t want to have sex with a woman that wasn’t attracted to him. I’m still determined to acquiesce as often as I can though. I’m terrified of falling into a rut again. I fought tooth and nail against the idea that sex was a pillar of a good marriage, and wondered why our relationship was one one huge argument when we weren’t intimate. Now I plan to use that to our advantage. If more sex means we get a happier, calmer household, then bring it.
